so guys ?

[u/murano0]

[u/a_model_citizen_]

You do not have to do something (like getting married by xx age. or at all) or stop doing someting (like a hobby, ie gaming, etc) because of societal pressure.

[u/cmdr_scotty → u/a_model_citizen_]

I grew up seeing people my parents age looking like everything that was enjoyable was sucked right out of them while they'd say "I'm too old for x"

So I refused to do that growing up.

I'm almost 40, and I'll get excited over something for 10 year olds because I'm practically an uncle to all my friends kids.

"You got a new Lego set? Heck yeah let's go!"

Meanwhile when I was 10, I'd hear "huh, new legos? And how is that going to prepare you for life? When I was your age I was working three jobs already."

[u/cslack30 → u/cmdr_scotty]

I saw something similar going up. Anytime you expressed joy or being excited about something someone would start the god damn suffering Olympics. Drove me nuts, and it still happens even now. Suffering for sufferings sake is stupid.

[u/Meocross → u/cslack30]

My Dad is a champion at this, "nail polish is for 10 year olds, at your age you should be having 3 kids already". Alright then who is going to feed the kids? You want them to all turn into criminals in this dangerous economy?

[u/No_Ladder6669 → u/Meocross]

My dad is an "at your age" champion too, meanwhile i'm subtly trying to tell his ass to do something else than work his health away and watch tv on the sofa. Hhhhhhh °_• each to their own •_°

I love that human being and look up to him but ffs live a little or something, now i sound just like him in a way lol..

[u/cmdr_scotty → u/No_Ladder6669]

My father in law also like that.

I love my inlaws, they're awesome! But he's the guy where you could tell him "I just got hired at XYZ place!" And his only response is "so when are they making you CEO?"

🫠 He's also the one that believes still you can walk into a place, give the manager a FIRM handshake, hand him your resume, and that will and you a job immediately.

[u/ThumpTacks → u/cmdr_scotty]

My wife describes this exact behavior as her favorite aspect of my personality. She says she loves seeing me get exited like a kid for the things which bring me joy or for which I am passionate.

I, too, refuse to have joy sucked out of me because the generations before mine had the idea that “you’re too old for x” beaten into them.

My father tells a story about being younger and enjoying to draw. Some of his peers mocked that and he stopped drawing. My father is a very creative person who was never allowed to develop that skill, because someone predetermined that that’s not what was age appropriate.

If my joy for the little things offends someone, I politely remind them that they have a choice— they don’t need to be around me, if they don’t like how I behave.

[u/WheresMyMule → u/cmdr_scotty]

When I was in my mid 20's I got up early to line up for Grateful Dead tickets at the local record store/ticketmaster outlet. I got really good seats and came home with a huge smile on my face. My mom said something like "when are you going to grow up and get tired of these concerts?" and I said "when was the last time something made you so happy you jumped up & down? why would I stop doing that?"

And at 55, I still get happy enough to jump up & down when I score good seats for a show 😄

[u/Inevitable_Effect_69 → u/cmdr_scotty]

https://youtube.com/shorts/PwaNLlX0En0?si=Fet7Zag8Tr9YzmbH

[u/Alarming_Procedure75 → u/cmdr_scotty]

Yeah when I was growing up I thought you had to be an alcoholic to enjoy your life because the only time I saw adults seeming to enjoy anything is when they were drinking. Now im 33 and hardly ever drink alcohol because I learned that being hungover sucks and I dont need to drink to have fun. Life lesson learned.

[u/stanleythedog → u/a_model_citizen_]

The trouble is when you have an overwhelming urge to "make the right choice" at all times and don't know what that choice is, and don't know what you really do "have to do" and what you don't, then you get stuck in indecision and shame over every single thing.

Cue a wasted 20's.

I felt and feel shame over everything. Lack of achievements, lack of personality, lack of relationships (both friends and romantic, never dated), ugly, shame over doing things, shame over not doing those same things... And none of it came from others in my life (almost). It's all self-reinforced and at the same time feels insurmountable.

[u/bobombpom → u/stanleythedog]

Idk, I think realizing that those things weren't critical to me was a real turning point.

I'm not interested in what my second cousin's dog did, so I don't need to interact with the people who can only talk about stuff like that.

I don't enjoy noisy places with flashing lights, so I don't need to interact with the people who only enjoy going to bars and shows.

I can be happy doing my own thing, or finding the few people that I vibe with. It's not a personal, moral failing to enjoy being alone.

[u/Waltzing_Methusalah → u/a_model_citizen_]

Absolutely this. I went to college, chose a major and got married young because it was what I thought I should do. The major didn’t work out and neither did the marriage. Even today, I still have to think about whether I am doing something because I want to or because I feel I should.

[u/FunPartyGuy69 → u/Waltzing_Methusalah]

I just wanted to add to this topic that I agree with the societal pressure part, but there's also a biological urgency that stresses me out.

I want kid(s), but if I don't find the partner I want to make a family with in the next 8 or so years – biology starts to make it increasingly difficult to have a child (with a partner of a reasonable age gap)...

[u/Dandy_Guy7]

If you have even the slightest sense that you're being manipulated or taken advantage of get out and run. Don't wait around for things to get better because they won't.

[u/Gelby4 → u/Dandy_Guy7]

Sometimes it takes a while to realize, and then you feel stuck.

But it's always worth saving your mental/emotional health

[u/dermanus → u/Dandy_Guy7]

This is great advice. There will be people in your life who try and take advantage of you. Learning to say no, forcefully if necessary, is an important life skill. You see advice in women's threads along the lines of "trust your gut, if something feels off get out".

This is entirely correct, and does not apply only to women. The dangers you'll face as a man are different, but they're just as real.

[u/metametta → u/Dandy_Guy7]

If you wait for a smoking gun, it's often too late, the damage is done.

[u/Glad_Brick_3956 → u/Dandy_Guy7]

Learn to recognize the snakes... Don't always point them out though can cause a lot of issues. I've made enemies pointing out tactics and even letting a manager know exactly what the person is going to attempt soon. 

[u/richtoferfn → u/Dandy_Guy7]

Man my situation is fucked though. I don't have anywhere to run too. It's like I'm on a sinking boat in the middle of the ocean, and I'm not a good swimmer

[u/scratchie29 → u/Dandy_Guy7]

I’m not a guy but the biggest lesson I’ve learned in my adult life is that time is the most precious resource! When you enter a scenario it’s better to say no it not for me or it’s not worthwhile or won’t work a waste of time the longer you stay harder to get out ! Many people have so many regrets because time is something we can’t really control ! I used to lie to myself saying a person or situation is worth it but it’s not and because you’ve been there for long harder to get out why people can stay in situations for a long time!

[u/PwrCpl4Fun123 → u/Dandy_Guy7]

There is absolutely no reason to stay at that point. Escape before the damage completely crushes you and you are an empty husk.

[u/OviliskTwo → u/Dandy_Guy7]

As hard as it is to say, some family can be the worst people to you. You can wake up to it in your 30s and 40s. Much better to respect yourself now. You're really worth it.

[u/Mammoth-Cherry-2995]

Take an active role in your own life - I spent my 20s blowing around on the wind; letting my partners make the big decisions, following them for their career opportunities, and generally just being a rolling stone. I was so directionless and ultimately both of those relationships broke down, and left me even more adrift. It was terrible for my self esteem and took me a long time to recover from. It wasn’t until I got my shit together at 28 and took the reins of what I wanted to do with my life that I started to feel in control of my own destiny.

[u/phast_man → u/Mammoth-Cherry-2995]

It’s hard to go from school - where everyone tells you what to do, to real life - where you have to decide what to do.

[u/Mammoth-Cherry-2995 → u/phast_man]

Especially when what you actually want to do falls outside of the usual career choices - my school essentially told me I was being ridiculous when I said I wanted to work in the music industry. Fast forward 22 years and I run my own music PR agency :)

[u/Hosh_Tikoloshe → u/Mammoth-Cherry-2995]

People have asked me how I got to where I am. I have gone from the bottom and I have reach a fairly senior level because I am constantly asking myself what do I need to learn or change to be better than I was yesterday. When I was 20 I managed to land a steady job at a large company as an apprentice. I foolishly trusted and thought that they would have development plans for us. I realised in my early 20's that the 'performance review' were just that, a performance for HR. No one else was going to push me to be better, it was all on me. Since then I have actively worked on my own development. I have completed 2 degrees and am working on my third, not because anyone told me to, I wanted to. I took short courses on professional writing, excel, communication, finance etc. because those were areas where I recognized my own short comings to my own metrics and acted to correct those. Many people are waiting for someone else to tell them what they need to change or develop. Many people are waiting for someone else to identify growth opportunities. Too many people hand control of their future and happiness to someone else.

[u/hemanstarfox]

Stop viewing women as the pathway to your having your emotional wounds healed

[u/DookiesNCream → u/hemanstarfox]

Big one. Every other day I see a post from a man saying “M25 I’m never going to find someone” and their post goes on to imply that their happiness is fully dependent on finding a woman. I get it, it’s an irreplaceable feeling to be loved and have someone to share your life with. But relying on that as the sole reason for your happiness is setting your whole life up for failure. There’s so much more to life and you have to do at least SOME work to heal your emotional wounds yourself before dating or else no one will even want to date you.

I say this as someone who felt like finding a girlfriend would be the only thing that could change things for me back when I was a depressed teen. Community and purpose helped me a lot in my early 20s, even if I fell
Back into dark times a few years later. I love my partner but putting all that on her to be my crutch would be unfair. She’s supportive but I learned it’s not on the people I date to heal me

[u/hemanstarfox → u/DookiesNCream]

Well said, I wasn't a bad guy or anything. I had a hard childhood. I dealt with a lot of physical and emotional neglect. I also have a physical disability from birth. Many adults in my life told me that one day I would get a girlfriend and people would be jealous of how my life would be. It set up this mythos that my worth would be dictated by the women I attract. I ruined some of the most meaningful relationships in my life and it's by being so concerned that I would lose them and become worthless.

The really destructive part about this frame of thinking is that it objectifies women into not fully human and their purpose being centered around my need. Women are not on this planet to make men feel secure.

[u/Ok_Solid55 → u/DookiesNCream]

Yeah, you will eventually hate each other if this is the path you choose. I see it happen constantly, with both people looking for that validation from the other when the reality is whatever they’re looking for is inside of them.

Whatever wounds you carry need to be understood by you, before you attach to another person.

[u/bumpersnatch12 → u/hemanstarfox]

Seriously bro, a lot of people say they need a woman when they really need a cat or something. I was guilty of seeking "emotional support women", which isn't fair to her or me. Now I'm taking time working on myself with cats and idk why I ever tried to seek out unfulfilling relationships to lean on.

[u/hemanstarfox → u/bumpersnatch12]

Way to go, dude. Self-reflection will do you well. You don't have to be a perfect person to have love. However, you can't love a person as a whole person if you view them as a means to your end. Working on yourself will free more capacity for you to be loved and give love.

[u/say_waattt → u/hemanstarfox]

This is the best advice. Admit your faults and work on them. Women are people too.

[u/Kind_Inside931 → u/hemanstarfox]

Exactly. They are not captive therapists. You gotta have that work done before a woman is in the picture. They are also not captive nurses or caretakers either. Hire professionals instead.

[u/hemanstarfox → u/Kind_Inside931]

Agreed, women's emotional and physical labor is often constructed as something men are entitled to.

[u/AncestorsDontLook]

You are not special. And you have to accept that it is absolutely ok. You do not have to be the best, the funniest, the most successful - your achievements do not validate your worth, your failures do not invalidate your capability.

Being a big part of someone's small life is better than being unimportant to many people.

Community, wherever you find it, is foundational to self-satisfacrion.

[u/DreamOfDays → u/AncestorsDontLook]

A better way to put it is: If only the best person at any one thing could be happy, there’d only be a thousand happy people in the world. Since there’s more than that, it means being the best at something isn’t a pass to happiness.

[u/2morereps → u/DreamOfDays]

Damn I had to pause my music to make sure i was reading this right

[u/MopitWithaMuppet → u/AncestorsDontLook]

"You are not special. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else." -Tyler Durden

[u/DamarMurry → u/AncestorsDontLook]

“Being a big part of someone's small life is better than being unimportant to many people.”

 This hit deep.

[u/SudoSubSilence → u/AncestorsDontLook]

Better to start small and branch out like a tree, than to be as large as Atlas with nothing left to gain and everything to lose.

[u/1717289 → u/AncestorsDontLook]

Came to say approximately this, he is right!

One’s successes or failures are not who someone is

[u/Equivalent-Bar6487]

Buy and pay off a Toyota.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Tax6168 → u/Equivalent-Bar6487]

I’ll add to this by simply saying once said Toyota is paid off then don’t sell it and repeat the process.

[u/murano0 → u/Equivalent-Bar6487]

additionnaly; don't buy a german when you're young just to flex.

[u/Melodic-Pool7240 → u/murano0]

As a former Audi employee, this is a huge one.

Id tack on that if it seems like a good deal, its probably not.

[u/VanFkingHalen → u/murano0]

This right here. One of my most expensive life mistakes lol.

[u/22demerathd → u/Equivalent-Bar6487]

True, my Prius has had a check engine light for 5 years, everyone tells me the cracked head is unrepairable and I NEED a new engine (more than the car is worth), reddit told me to use stop head leak (20$ fix), I have to do it again every year, and I have to buy more coolant twice a year, but the car has outlasted its terminal diagnostic by half a decade. I’ll drive that thing until it one day fails, I thought that would be like 4.5 years ago, but here we are, who knows? Maybe it will last another 5 years.

[u/RedditMuser → u/Equivalent-Bar6487]

Finally something in this thread I’ve accomplished.

[u/WhenIntegralsAttack2]

Staying with a girlfriend who was unsure about me. If someone is unsure about you, leave them and find someone who is all-in for you.

Also, for fuck’s sake men we should not just date the most attractive women who will have us. There are many other more important qualities in a partner.

[u/PwrCpl4Fun123 → u/WhenIntegralsAttack2]

100% and enthusiasm goes a long long way. That person who wants you, wants to be with you, they will make life so much more enjoyable than someone who barely tolerates you.

[u/Daddy_bear71]

Never break your word. If you say your going to do something make sure you do it.

[u/Glad_Brick_3956 → u/Daddy_bear71]

And be More intentional when giving your word

[u/WoodenCrow6024]

Appreciate a good woman. When your young its easy to think you can always find better. By your mid to late 30s most of the great women are gone. 

Thanks for the awards. Just trying to be helpful.

[u/DigitalBagel8899 → u/WoodenCrow6024]

And on the flip side, don't settle for and stay with a bad one. Sunk cost fallacy is real, and being alone sucks, but you'll be doing yourself a huge favor and save a lot of wasted time and be one step closer to being happy if you just cut out someone that you're not happy with.

[u/Commercial-Builder76 → u/DigitalBagel8899]

There is a quote I really like that pertains to this subject of staying in a bad relationship.

"Getting on the wrong train is fine.. it happens. But.. the longer you stay on that train the more expensive it is to get back home" - IDK

[u/Conscious_Way_6973 → u/DigitalBagel8899]

My friend said he wants a specific age, race, demographic, and born from only a certain part of the world while also isolating some women because culturally they’re not what he looks for. With this mindset he then skips a lot of potential datable women, saves him time. I think he’s crazy but it’s his choice, I want to know what others think.

[u/Possible_Proposal447 → u/Conscious_Way_6973]

He's doing all the women around him a favor by not wasting their time. I'm a guy btw so if I can notice he's guaranteed the worst person I know, I imagine his reputation around town is pretty bad.

[u/TextuallyAttractive → u/Conscious_Way_6973]

Wanting someone who wants the same things as you and the same culture is alright. But when it starts to get too vain and like.. a specific region?

I mean he's welcome to try. But it seems like hes likely not considering the fact that such a woman must also want him and having such a shallow list of requirements is not ideal.

It's one thing to want a partner who does or does not want kids, and has the same religious views, ect.

Same cultural identity even I can understand. Even age range. But it depends on his approach as to why he wants these things I think.

[u/LackWooden392 → u/Conscious_Way_6973]

Your friend is highly questionable. I'd keep an eye on him.

[u/nondevemorire → u/Conscious_Way_6973]

And on another side too, don't be obsessed to be with a woman, to find a woman, to f**k a woman. Sometimes it's good to be alone, don't struggle to find a woman, born a baby, make a family, have someone always there. It's nice to build something but you can also do it by your own

[u/elcryptoking47 → u/Conscious_Way_6973]

Friend would be preventing himself from finding "The One" here in the United States. Other than that... His preferences and his choices! 🤷‍♂️

[u/Megzasaurusrex → u/DigitalBagel8899]

To add on don't settle for someone who isn't bad but not who you really enjoy being with. And also not someone who if their body changes you lose all attraction for them. Bodies change over time, especially women's, especially with kids. Be sure it is someone you love and enjoy so much, that doesn't matter.

[u/Nameless_301 → u/WoodenCrow6024]

And also understand no matter how great a person is they have flaws. Just because someone has flaws doesn't preclude them from being great. Everyone has flaws.

[u/Lover_boi4 → u/WoodenCrow6024]

Still think about her and what could’ve been. Maybe in the next life.

[u/ThatOneGuy216440 → u/Lover_boi4]

Same dude.

[u/CRYPTONITE4 → u/ThatOneGuy216440]

Me too, man. Me too.

[u/Tyler622 → u/CRYPTONITE4]

Same here 😔

[u/Accomplished_Ad_7665 → u/Lover_boi4]

Yeah,maybe in the next life I won't be such a dumbass...even though I still think about her, the best I can do is wish her well and that she can be happy.

[u/j____b____ → u/WoodenCrow6024]

We all have a million “soul mates.” Just find someone you enjoy spending time with. You need a best friend. 

[u/SurlyJugest → u/WoodenCrow6024]

Every woman I ever went on a date with was a good woman. I truly believe that. But that doesn't mean we would be good together long-term. It's more important to know exactly what you want and to be crystal clear in communicating that to the people you date or might date. Understand what your deal breakers are and never compromise on them, but be flexible on everything else that is not a deal breaker.

[u/Singletracksamurai → u/WoodenCrow6024]

This 100% I pushed away so many good women that I could have been perfectly happy with. Now here I am at 54 living alone haha. Jokes on me.

[u/UndeadVoid07 → u/WoodenCrow6024]

Are they really gone by that age?

[u/zaxo666 → u/UndeadVoid07]

They come back in their early forties when their divorces happen.

[u/twayevrynmeistkn → u/zaxo666]

Nah the divorces are early to mid thirties. Im currently in this bubble. Constantly surprised by the emotional maturity and independence of single women I meet.

[u/faates → u/UndeadVoid07]

If not earlier yeah, people looking for a partner tend to find one quickly younger and those that are left tend to want just more casual stuff

[u/cribsheet88 → u/UndeadVoid07]

Same with men... all the good ones are married or gay.

[u/Walfy07 → u/UndeadVoid07]

probably a really big cliff around late 20's to early 30s

[u/badluck_bryan77 → u/Walfy07]

Dating in early thirties is AWESOME for guys in my personal experience.

There are always losers but a lot of women know what they want and know how to get it. They don’t play games and it’s just a much smoother experience communication wise than having to guess what is going on or where you stand.

Also the sex is ASTRONOMICALLY better (and frankly more frequent) than it was in my early 20’s.

[u/MercuryQuick → u/badluck_bryan77]

Amen brother. Amen. And I have money now!

[u/badluck_bryan77 → u/MercuryQuick]

There is also that lol.

[u/BreathingLover11 → u/WoodenCrow6024]

100%.

[u/SubstantialWelcome94 → u/WoodenCrow6024]

They return to the dating pool in their late 30's, 40's, after the divorce. You're good bruh

[u/No_Code_3756 → u/WoodenCrow6024]

Usually don’t appreciate a good woman until it’s too late.

[u/UndeadVoid07]

Never stop working out

[u/j____b____ → u/UndeadVoid07]

As an old man who exercises regularly, I don’t complain about my body nearly as often as my friends. Don’t forget to focus on flexibility and core strength for balance. Stretch!

[u/FirmWeather5374 → u/UndeadVoid07]

To add to this:
Learn proper postures and techniques in different exercises. Repetitive motions being done the wrong way will give wear and tear and lead to injuries. I was on my way to a bicep rupture and in my late 20’s, my back started getting messed up. Doctor and physical therapist saw how I was working out and explained why I was injured. I’m much better now in my 40’s. .

[u/DelMundoOOoo]

Don't give too much time into work. Focus on yourself, your hobbies, family, friends...

[u/hlessi_newt]

Staying in your comfort zone is slow death. You're growing, or you're dieing. Take that scary job, try that new hobby, tell that lady at the Thai joint down the street that you want level 5 spice.

[u/82selenium → u/hlessi_newt]

Keeping entropy at bay requires energy

[u/___NowYouKnow___]

On day 1 of working , max out your 401k , S&P 500 index low cost fund , any other money, also s&p 500; stay away from wealth managers. It’s not that they steal from you or will do a bad job, it’s just that their fees typically don’t make much sense and very rarely beat the market.

[u/Atomic_Maxwell → u/___NowYouKnow___]

This right here. Started my Roth 401k wayyy late in life, but better late than never. Not making enough to comfortably max it yet unfortunately, but increasing it a little every year.

[u/22demerathd → u/___NowYouKnow___]

I’m 23 right now, working full time, and my free time is just recovering from working. I don’t have a social life, and no time to date, or work on personal projects. I’m struggling to decide whether or not to go part time, I’ve calculated that I can barely scrape by if I reduce my working hours to just three days a week, but then I’m not saving anything.

Everyone around me says I’m doing the right thing, because I’m putting away a good amount into my savings and investments, but I wonder if I’ll regret it later. I wonder if I’ll regret trading my youth for an early retirement…

[u/karl4319 → u/22demerathd]

You need hobbies and a little bit of a social life just to stay sane. Retiring at 45 a multimillionaire sounds amazing, but if you never developed social skills as an adult or know what you love in life, what's the point? Better to delay that to 50 or 55 and enjoy life a bit more.

[u/MindfulMewtwo989]

Stop avoiding things you want to do because of anxiety. Panic attacks and anxiety about social outings is not normal; It is not who you are and is a completely treatable condition

[u/Sleepy_Samurai101 → u/MindfulMewtwo989]

How do you approach this issue? What treatable methods besides medication works? It seems it’s gotten worse with more people over time.

[u/AmbitiousEducation49 → u/Sleepy_Samurai101]

Recognize that anxiety is an over protective maladaptive evolution. Our brain and thoughts evolved to ultimately lead us to stay alive and anxiety is a way to shield us from doing something potentially dangerous but this can misfire in our modern society. So, recognize the characteristics of that panic, accept it as a natural process, and learn to act beyond that thought process. Meditation is an exercise that can help you tap into existing in a thoughtless state that can then be tapped into during those experiences.

[u/Suitable-Gazelle-646 → u/Sleepy_Samurai101]

Train it like a muscle. I got a job where I was forced to interact with people and it totally ripped me out of my shell

[u/Hevens-assassin → u/Suitable-Gazelle-646]

For some things this works. For others, it does not. Anxiety is often treated like exposure therapy will help it. As someone who has exposed himself to most things that induce anxiety, and despite being able to center myself in those moments, I still have debilitating anxiety attacks at random moments. It's gotten to the point that even music concerts, something I've been to dozens of, and have all enjoyed (ok, maybe I didn't like 1 or 2, but I enjoyed the crowd) give me panic attacks that I cannot explain.

Exposure therapy can help with a lot of things, but sometimes it's the anxiety of anxiety that starts to take root, and for that you need more than just showing up.

[u/Responsible_Ad1600 → u/MindfulMewtwo989]

Ehhhhhhhhhh there’s like a lot to unpack here.

First, social anxiety has a whole fucking book about causes. They can be social, economic, chemical, physical, cultural, religious, political, governments, upbringing, trauma, experience, power dynamics I think I could go on but I am not smart enough.

Treatment for these could be, relocation, medicine, therapy, time, practice, support groups, support systems, etc.

ALSO some people really neither need or want interaction with others beyond what is necessary to be a member of society. Which is fine! Well… so as long as they don’t become psychotic and start hurting themselves or others… but I digress.

TLDR; it’s not that simple

[u/Reasonable_Owl_9180]

Dont be nice to someone who disrespected you especially if you have been nice to them. Your self respect comes first.

[u/j____b____ → u/Reasonable_Owl_9180]

You don’t have to give people second chances to show you who they are. 

[u/Reasonable_Owl_9180 → u/j____b____]

Yes 😊

[u/Royal_Needleworker91 → u/Reasonable_Owl_9180]

Even if they are family

[u/FEARoach → u/Royal_Needleworker91]

Especially if they're using a biological relationship to treat you like trash.

[u/Kimball-Man → u/Reasonable_Owl_9180]

This is a big lesson I finally realized, had a ex friend who was bipolar, I tried to help him as much as I could, but he would just use me as his personal therapist, I work in IT I do not deal with the brain and I’d find him free solutions to help him and he would just always find an excuse to lean on me instead, said “free therapy will reject me I make too much.” “Group will just be a bunch of people who know more than me and pretend I’m an idiot.” He was someone who would always look for the negative in life, and I was always trying to help him, finally after setting my boundaries multiple times with him I just called it. It sucks but you can only do so much until you just can’t stay with it anymore, and it eats at you; so much more free now.

[u/silentsake_96]

Stop trying to prove yourself to others. It will drain you and cause you to lose the people who truly look up to you. Don’t let your insecurities take control of your life as soon possible

[u/AwarenessForsaken568]

Be more social in highschool and college. I grew up poor and in a bad environment, so I sorta withdrew into myself during those years. Those are the prime years to make friends, relationships, and make mistakes. I'm in a decent spot in life all things considered, but I'm still suffering the consequences of not being social during those years to this day.

[u/kendricklamartin]

People who are doing well in life don’t get in physical fights. If you fight someone to prove you are a man, the vast majority of people in society don’t see you as tough, they see you as trashy and low class. If you grew up around people who fight regularly, I’m sorry but you are surrounded by people with low emotional intelligence. It’s a hard truth to swallow about the male role models in your life.

When meeting a girl, you should look at her as a potential friend, not a potential hookup. If you treat her like a real person upon meeting, a genuine connection can form (and it might even increase your chances of a romance to follow if you end up liking each other!)

Figure out your moral code and stick to it. You need to be able to answer the question What does it mean to you to lead a “good” life? Figure that out and then spend every day making choices that align with your code of ethics.

Lead a curious minded life. Be investigative, be interested, be involved.

[u/Sharp-Yellow-242 → u/kendricklamartin]

I second this because my dad is the sort thay believes violence and threats will solve anything in his life , including dealing with me. After living with his for like 28 years I came to realize that he is someone with very low iq

[u/JayReyd]

Do not have children with the wrong person.

[u/Equivalent-Dig7259]

Be nice to people, even those that disrespected you. Kindness comes first.

[u/Why_Though-_- → u/Equivalent-Dig7259]

I would change this to be polite" instead of *nice. Being nice means not telling someone to fuck off. Being polite means you just use better words and a calm demeanor to say the same thing.

Politeness will get you far, being an asshole or a doormat will not.

[u/CuriosityDriven0101 → u/Equivalent-Dig7259]

Seconding this, and never give in to bitterness or a bad situation. Rainy seasons come and go.

Accept everything as it is, appreciate what you have.

[u/itsirk09 → u/Equivalent-Dig7259]

Nice to people who disrespect you? Worst advice ever, good way to ending up being a doormat.

[u/brekksplut → u/itsirk09]

You can be kind and still set boundaries. Being kind is not the same as being a pushover.

[u/Cybernut93088]

Don't hesitate after high school. Figure out what you want to do and go for it! It will seem like you have all the time in the world but you don't. You will blink and be in your 30s.

[u/CatoLiberius → u/Cybernut93088]

As Rush put it so eloquently, if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

Don't let analysis paralysis stop you from moving forward. You can always change plans later if things aren't working, but if you don't commit to anything, you'll never get there at all.

[u/killahfrost]

Wear a condom

[u/Sea2Chi → u/killahfrost]

If she says you don't need to use a condom, you absolutely have to use a condom.

You're not the fist guy she's told that to and she clearly doesn't take her sexual heath seriously.

[u/FalopianTubeSwimTeam]

It’s okay to say no, and it’s okay to walk away.

[u/BeaulieuA]

Take care of your teeth. Move everyday, even for 20 minutes. Diversify your nutrition.

[u/Which-Membership144]

If your parents are 65 and you only see them a couple times a year you maybe have 10 more visits before they die. Only 10 more visits to eat moms food or talk shit with dad. Cherish it.

[u/Traditional_Month429]

Don't try to be perfect. optimizing your life and everything in it is not worth it. it will bring you Joy in a that moment, but it will not bring you lasting joy.

Don't listen to influencers. they are just the new late night pitchman. they are the supplement dealing version of the ShamWow guy.

Stop worrying about seeming manly, or super macho. the whole alpha scene is bs to sell you products. all that does is make you repressed angry. wolves don't do the alpha male thing, humans seem to be the only one. just be yourself and if anyone doesn't like that they can leave you alone. don't waste time on them.

your job does not define you. it just pays the bills. don't spend hours working for something that somebody else benefits from more. put your day in go home. live your life.

and the best pickup line, no matter who you're trying to go for is hello and a joke. if they don't share or tolerate or enjoy your sense of humor, you will not last in a relationship with them.

[u/Popular_Stock2255]

Max out Roth Don't do drugs Thats really all there is

[u/TemporaryElephant574 → u/Popular_Stock2255]

Maybe some drugs...preferably ones that come from the ground. Don't want to be bored.

Just dont be an asshole about it, and it'll probably be fine.

[u/momo76g]

Ignoring your gfs red flags because she's overwhelmingly attractive. Is not worth it move along.

[u/Primary_Trade5561]

Live beneath your means. Don't live paycheck-to-paycheck. Avoid debt whenever you can. If you have debts, pay as much as you possibly can on them until they are gone.

[u/kyew]

You don't need to preorder Spore.

[u/TriangleOnTheEye → u/kyew]

wait spore aint that... old.....

[u/Rafiks1]

Save as much money as you can. Have an emergency fund. Living with your parents while you work or go to school to save money is not a bad idea if you have a good relationship with your parents. Take advantage of any opportunity to place yourself in a position to NOT fail in the future. The balance with social life is hard at an early age but the sooner you master it the better.

[u/PaGaNfUn818]

Drinking may be a symptom of the problem, not the actual problem

[u/OldTownUli]

Dont let fear keep you from taking any action. For so much of my life, I sat and waited. For job opportunities, for friendships, whatever it was. Even for my own internal growth. I had a parent who constantly told me “good things come to those who wait” and I feel that couldn’t be further from the truth. Good things come to those who make things happen for themselves. 

[u/Hadley_333]

If you don't want kids, don't force it. If you dont want a marriage, don't force it. As soon as you can, invest in your retirement no matter how little it may look like. If you start young there it will really compound and you will thank yourself later.

[u/SudoSubSilence]

Don't take yourself or the world too seriously. Ego isn't worth protecting if it stops you from laughing at yourself and learning from yesterday's mistakes. So have fun failing, help your fellow humans out when they too are having fun and eventually, you'll get there!

[u/Melodic-Author1317]

the only true mistakes are the ones you don’t learn from.
and don’t keep doing something expecting to be rewarded for it someday. if you aren’t getting what you want, change what you’re doing.
and learn to wield words. guns and swords don’t change hearts, but words can touch souls.

[u/Hot_Flower_6381]

Don't make a baby before stabilizing your financial situation.

[u/Poster_Nutbag207]

You don’t have any secret special knowledge about the world that others don’t. Yes there are things that need to be changed but just complaining about how bad everything is and how unfair the world is, isn’t going to help anyone

[u/Knowledge_Apart → u/Poster_Nutbag207]

Needed to hear this, any pointer on how to get out of the mindset of bitching about the world and not doing anything to make things better for yourself?

[u/nomad5926]

When a girl asks for your phone so she can add her number. Do not ask why with obvious confusion.

Also if a girl tries to giver her number do not try and memorize it to seem cool. Write that shit down so you don't misremember it.

[u/Ecstatic_Cicada7748]

Having kids is one of the best things in life but having them before you’re financially and emotionally stable is bad news for all involved.

[u/EqualOk4907]

Youre not always right. If your partner is uncomfortable with something,  it's not your place to convince they shouldn't be.  Respect them and stop doing what they don't like  

[u/AlertMistake7738]

I'm 27. I simultaneously feel like I don't know anything and also like I've come to understand some deep truths. Maybe they're just personal truths, I don't know. First of all, there's more to life than women. So many men are chasing women or parteners in general. And for what? A lot of people my age have ended up in situations they aren't emotionally prepared for and then they get stuck. Living with another person and being emotionally available and compatible with that person is a lot of work. And if your primary motivation is just to get your rocks off, I think you'll be terribly disappointed. The other truth I feel like I've discovered is that there are a lot of "childish" things that I love. I recently put those little star sticker things that glow in the dark all over the ceiling of one of the rooms in my condo. I'm planning to paint the walls like a grassy meadow with flowers and then fill the room with beanbag chairs. I don't know, when I talk to other people about it, they don't always get it. It sounds like a playroom. Because that's exactly what it is. And it brings me immense joy.

[u/BirdBrother]

Don’t watch porn

[u/jodead01 → u/BirdBrother]

Facts watching porn ruined my sex life though it has been getting better lately

[u/calycocalypso → u/BirdBrother]

Don't watch porn excessively.

Being shameful about sex does no one any good.

[u/Electronic_Sleep_659 → u/calycocalypso]

The problem with this is the idea of “excessive” is relative and often rationalized to a point where addiction goes unnoticed until it’s too late. It’s not just about “shame” as there is now science to back the negative impacts on young men. There’s a difference between shaming and educating.

[u/DreamOfDays → u/BirdBrother]

If you do, recognize it as something like alcohol and tobacco. Everyone drinks sometimes, some even drink every night. It’s a problem when you’re doing it multiple times a day, especially at work, school, or in public.

[u/Optimus_Prime_2026]

1.Didn’t realize the value of money, investments and savings. (My advice, save save save, invest, invest, invest)
2. Spent too much time outside with friends and strangers reducing the time with family. (My advice, keep family and friends together if you can, if not make sure you wholeheartedly dedicate time for family, watch movies, eat together, go for shopping etc)
3. Never tattoo anyone’s name on your body when they are alive( most foolish thing one can do )
4.invest in yourself, up skill, learn as much as you can, not just academics, trades, music instruments, life skills.
5. Nooooooo Alcohol, especially when you are sad or depressed. If you still want to drink , drink when you are happy. Have a target, something like( I will drink only for 20 times and once you reach your milestone, never ever touch it again)
6.Travel if you can, a lot, just out of your city, state, if you have money a country. Nope, not with friends, solo trip.
7. Never ever share your personal stuffs at work. Nobody is your friend, be polite and humble but be a pristine professional keep boundaries.
8. Spend some time with nature

[u/Spiritual_Word_4566]

It’s ok to cry, it’s ok to show emotion. Don’t let people tell you to just get over things. Take time to heal, do what makes you happy.

[u/prutprit]

u/Equivalent-Dig7259 says that I should be nice to everybody, even those that disrespect me.

But u/Resonable_Owl_9180 says that I shouldn't be nice to those that disrespect me.

WHAT DO I DO

[u/Useful-Effect-4963]

letting nostalgia ruin your future decisions

[u/Winter_Physics_716]

Spent way too much time playing video games and not enough time reading actual physical books. My earnings have doubled in 5 years since I started reading regularly.

[u/EfficientPainter9735]

Save some of your money while you are young. Your early investments will be your most profitable and they will set you up for the future.

[u/PwrCpl4Fun123]

Take the SATs and go to college. Any college. Keep yourself on the learning path. Even if it's just a small junior college. Even if it's the local community college. Be a student for 4 more years. Yeah, you might not know what you want to be when you grow up. You will figure it out. Your parents might sacrifice just a little bit more than they have your entire 18 years. But those 4 years of college they would have sacrificed would have had outcomes that paid them 6 times otherwise.

Do that. Don't join the military. Don't take a full time job. Go to college.

It would have made my life dramatically different. My life isn't bad. But it could have been so much better.

[u/darkwater_throwaway]

At the end of the day, you have to work on building a good sense of self to have good relationships with other people, romantic or otherwise. To work on your emotional regulation, communication, etc is extremely important.

For instance if you have low self-esteem, a relationship where you constantly feel inferior to the other person is doomed to failure. You cannot have a healthy or lasting relationship if you put the other person on a pedestal and ignore obvious problems that exist because of it. Sooner or later the bill will come due (often them leaving you, because you arent healthy to be around).

"You have to love yourself first" may sound like a trite cliché for people and difficult to achieve for many who struggle with anxiety, self-esteem, trauma etc but the reality is that you can't escape you. You will bring yourself to every relationship you have, romantic or otherwise, and you will be forced to confront who you are whether you like it or not.

[u/Storm_Spirit99]

Don't be obedient. Doing your job the way it's supposed to, yes, but don't say yes or do whatever a company or whatever tells you too if you cant or dont think its right. Do it too long it becomes a habit, a bad one at that

[u/tadsagtasgde]

Make the mistake now. You’re going to live a life full of them. They will make you who you are.

Save crack till you’re 80 or in a wheelchair though.

[u/zodiac9094]

Money comes, and money goes. When you're making big money, save it; don't blow it (or smoke it).

[u/Just_Date_3264]

Your parents can see you as an extension of themselves and not let you be who you want to be.

Do what feels right to you, not to someone else, just because it makes them happy.

(Explanation - I lost 6 years of my life due to going to school/career my parents forced me to)

[u/SummerKnlght]

Whatever shit you're dealing with, alcohol won't make it easier. AT BEST you feel better for a few hours, but then you rebound and feel even worse than before.

If you drink at all, do it to make the good times better, not to cope with the bad times

[u/northofwall]

Don’t share private info on social media

[u/OneBill9177]

stand up for yourself and also remember to love yourself.

don’t look for yourself in others.

accept that people truly are built different and take pride in what you can contribute but also mindful of your worth.

[u/cowboii7]

Don't stick in crazy

[u/Rain_Bear]

everyone is everything you are in a seperate body, treat them as such and do your best to connect. We are bodies made up of cells working together, thats how we live. Society is similar but we are in conflict, we need to do better to connect with those that are good people and work as a group to form a body to move through the world and time.

Also fuck work for the sake of work, its propaganda from jackals trying to convince you its good you're being exploited. In fact these folks would say, you should willingly allow yourself to be exploited more and be proud of it.

[u/GobbyPlsNo]

Sport. Do some kind of sport regulary and eat healthy. Dont get fat.

[u/saluzcion]

Learn to let go.

[u/Disastrous_Ad_5574]

1. Don’t trust the man.
   
2. Keep you money in your front pocket (take care of your things)
   
3. Don’t do crazy (your self or others)

I’ve had the hardest time following 3.

[u/Crazy_Swing5923]

Never miss your bro’s wedding. I repeat NEVER!

[u/Cute_Position_7369]

Keep your anger in check. Blowing up will never improve your situation.

[u/CKtheFourth]

FOMO is nothing. Being cringe is being free.

Brush your teeth. Go to the doctor.

[u/SkiddyGuggs → u/CKtheFourth]

"being cringe is being free" I love this so much you have no idea. Thank you for saying it haha

[u/Few_Cartoonist_7982]

Don’t wait until 25 to date, or generally don’t wait to do things you want to do.

[u/Substantial-Skirt278 → u/Few_Cartoonist_7982]

Single at 37 and pretty much accepted that I'm going to be alone forever 

[u/Sea2Chi]

Hot women are fun to date at first, but if all she's bringing to the table is looks, then after a while you get used to it and you forget why you wanted them in the first place.

Guys who treat landing a very attractive woman as their primary goal are basically setting themselves up for disappointment.

I dated a gorgeous woman in my early 20s who was also a sweet and kind person. Except she hated learning. Anything even slightly educational was a hard no from her. No museums, no watching the news, no talking about current events, or history, or really anything other than gossip, fashion and partying. She bragged about not having read a book since middle school because in high school she was popular and people let her cheat off them. If I used bigger words she wouldn't ask me what it meant, she would ask me to "tone it down for the slow kid."

At the time I was studying for a journalism degree and I've always been a big history nerd.

To quote Tom Petty, "They had one thing in common, they were good in bed"

Despite her being ridiculously good looking we only lasted about a month before I had to break it off.

I just couldn't be with someone who I couldn't talk to about things I felt were important.

Looks are great, but there has to be more there.

[u/phast_man → u/Sea2Chi]

You spend a lot more time in a relationship talking than having sex. Need someone around your level of intelligence who can hold a conversation.

[u/tie-guy-23 → u/Sea2Chi]

any tips to be better in bed?

[u/Sea2Chi → u/tie-guy-23]

Assuming you're already to the point that the woman wants to have sex with you, just talk to them.

Literally, that's the biggest key.

Every woman is different. Some basically need a jackhammer on their clit to get off, others will snap their legs shut like a bear trip if a slight breeze blows across it. Most can't finish from penetration alone, so even during sex, don't neglect the clit assuming she's into that. Vibrators and toys are your allies in getting her off, not your competition, don't be afraid of them, use them. Or have her use a vibrator on herself while you're fucking her. Getting her across the finish line is the goal, it doesn't really matter to her how you get her there so don't let your ego get in the way of that.

So you ask what they like and then pay attention to their non-verbal cues while doing it.

One of the things I would do is have my hand between her legs, put her hand on top of mine, and ask her to show me how she likes being played with. That gives you a really good idea of the pressure and speed she's looking for.

For a lot of women, they need you to do the same thing consistently to orgasm. Changing up your speed or position too often makes it hard to build up a good head of steam. That's not to say you only do one position, but if she tells you to keep going, don't go faster, don't go slower, don't change positions, keep doing exactly what you're doing because she is actively telling you what you are doing is working.

Foreplay is also a huge thing some guys tend to neglect because they're so excited to stick it in. I look at foreplay as the excitement generator. By the time we're done, I want her to be sopping wet and begging for sex.

Talk about kinks and what you both like. Some women are vanilla and that's perfectly fine. They would absolutely hate to be choked, degraded or slapped and if you do so without asking they're going to rightfully be upset. Other woman want you to choke the shit out of them while calling them names that would make a drill instructor blush. Most women are somewhere in the middle, but you never know if they like being spanked on the ass, but are super opposed to being choked, or they like being called slut, but hate the word whore. Never try kinky stuff without asking.

Porn isn't an instruction manual. Porn is to sex what pro-wrestling is to a fight outside a gas station. If you try to do a high flying wrestling move against some dude who knows how to fight, you're either going to jail for manslaughter or more likely going to get the shit kicked out of you. Porn is a manufactured product where the goal is to titillate and entertain.

So again, everyone is different and there's no one size fits all solution. So you have to talk to them and find out what does it for them specifically. Ideally, you will have already shown that you're a safe person they can trust with that kind of normally private information. If you're too emberassed to talk about sex, you're not really ready for sex. Communication is key.

Physically speaking, you also need to do some cardio, pushups and crunches. Good sex is a workout. You don't have to be ripped or anything like that, but if you can't go up a flight of stairs without breathing hard, vigorous sex is going to be more of a challenge.

[u/The-Boy-Wonder38]

Thinking achieving success will automatically heal feeling like a broken mess due to one’s fucked up past. The ghosts come with you.

“It was like uh oh. This didn’t fix what’s inside me. This didn’t do what I thought it was gonna do.”

• Matthew Perry

[u/Big-Rush-3707]

I didn't heal myself before I got married to my first wife.

[u/blood4lonewolf]

Just ask him/her/them out. It's healthier to move on from a no than to dwell on what if.

[u/Mundane-Ice-7685]

One piece of advice from a 43-year-old: save some money whenever you can. Live below your means and learn to be frugal. Life has a funny way of throwing unexpected shit at you, and when it does, you’ll be glad you spent less when you could and have more when you need it. 💯💯
And remember, you probably already have more than you need to be happy. A lot of what we think we want comes from watching how others live and what society tells us we should have. Learn to recognise the difference between what genuinely makes you happy and what you’ve been conditioned to want.

[u/Accurate-Couple6104]

Not socializing. Fucked that up so hard I have literally no one. To the point where if a doctor requires me to put down the number of an emergency contact, I can't write one down.

[u/nowdoingthisatwork]

Don't stay in a relationship that doesn't feel right.

[u/Autistic_Chiken]

Forgive people. Forgiveness is for yourself not for them. You’re not doing yourself any good by holding onto grudges and hating people because they did you wrong. Forgive but don’t forget, allow that stress to be taken off your shoulders.

[u/smitza]

If someone does not give you the same energy back, do not waste yours on trying to win them over. While I mainly mean for dating, this applies to most relationships. Dating wise, i wasted a lot of time pining after women I thought I could eventually win them over, and it just allowed me to be a doormat with some very cringy rationalizations for why it was okay

[u/somanyquestions32]

Don't participate in over-giving. Others will perceive your generous nature as a lack of self-worth, yet others still will take advantage of you and exploit you. 

Same thing applies for conflict-avoidance because you want to preserve peace and a calm environment without weeding out incompatible interpersonal dynamics.

[u/LowQualitySexLube → u/somanyquestions32]

this is solid, i used to pick up bar tabs for many people because i could. come covid and jobless - only person who helped me was myself.

[u/Pale-Practice-7688]

No one is coming to save you. You have to find the will and reason to do it for yourself.

[u/beatle42 → u/Pale-Practice-7688]

No one is going to come do it for you, but there are also always people willing to help if you're willing to let them. It''s often hard to ask for help than to give, so finding the will to get the help you need can be very difficult, but there are nearly always people willing to help someone who is trying to make their life better.

[u/TreeTopBlvd]

Dont stop learning or getting better. This doesnt have to be some anime trope like training every day but take time to read, learn new skills, and take care of yourself. More often than not you should get quality sleep, stretch, exercise (any way you see fit), eat quality foods, amd spend more time with people you care about.

[u/N46L3]

DRUGS. The drug culture at least in the US was once seedy worst and a party at Best. These days it's an unforgiving... and fatal and it's only getting worse. Just don't go there.

[u/jery007]

Turning down offered help. Even if I don't necessarily need it, it always leads to meeting someone new or a nice exchange

[u/saltwater98380]

Alcohol. Sober 8 years.

[u/Proper_Class_2436]

its not selfish to put yourself first... if you fill up your cup first, you have more to share...

[u/the_millenial_falcon]

Do NOT use shampoo for lonly time.

[u/Different_Cat_3578]

Never OPEN A BUSSINES WITH FRIENDS OR RELATIVES

[u/CandidField113]

Hard choices now, easy life later. Easy choices now, hard life later.

[u/DaddysCumminHome]

Stop watching porn