This is a big lesson I finally realized, had a ex friend who was bipolar, I tried to help him as much as I could, but he would just use me as his personal therapist, I work in IT I do not deal with the brain and I’d find him free solutions to help him and he would just always find an excuse to lean on me instead, said “free therapy will reject me I make too much.” “Group will just be a bunch of people who know more than me and pretend I’m an idiot.” He was someone who would always look for the negative in life, and I was always trying to help him, finally after setting my boundaries multiple times with him I just called it. It sucks but you can only do so much until you just can’t stay with it anymore, and it eats at you; so much more free now.
I'm gonna get downvoted, but why do we justify not showing up for our friends in the name of boundaries? Disrespect would be him insulting you or betraying you or gossiping about you. I hope I never have friends that think talking to me when I'm at my worst is too draining of a task. I'd rather die alone.
Friendships are supposed to include reciprocation. If you have a friend who only ever seems to need your help, and over-relies on you with their burdens to the point that you end up not just helping them, but carrying their emotional weight, are you their friend or their doormat?
I mean there’s a lot to it, but there was a lot of him insulting me, and him talking behind my back. Not to mentioned the his wife was someone who held a knife to my throat when we were younger, the event was unprovoked I was at a party and just hanging out didn’t even talk to this person or fully acknowledged them. Then she came up behind me and held a knife to my throat. I just remember talking to some friends and them having a scared look on their face and next thing there’s the cold blade on my throat and a whole party calming someone down. It was a major factor for making me afraid of sharp objects. When I brought up to him in the past how uncomfortable I am about him dating her of her being around me because of the event, his response was always “your making a big deal out of nothing! You are such a wimp it was just one event.” It still affects me, so like…I don’t think my reasoning is unjustified. Him not respecting my boundaries was a big factor and it was draining dealing with his constant down talking. I’m normally fine with my friends having low moments and helping them, but this guy was just toxic, and a lot of my friends who interacted with him told me when they found out I ended the friendship with a lot of “dude took you long enough he’s kind of a terrible human, regardless of what he might be dealing with mentally.” I’m just giving perspective that there was a lot and eventually I hit my wall and I couldn’t do it anymore, it just what the original comment here was a big reminder of that factor was part of it, but trust me, he was just a toxic person who would insult me first rather than take my advice/offering to help. I gave him references of places that would offer free therapy that I did IT work for and he would lie to me saying “I called them and they told me no.” Only for me to talk to them the next day and say “no we never received a call from someone with that name.” And I kind of trust the place who has to track all their calls and who they talk to.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Yes you're right about staying until you can. You are a human being at the end of the day and you have your own feelings and emotions too 😊
I didn’t have time to fix his life while figuring out my divorce and working full time. He just used me as a crutch I did my best because he had bipolar and I knew some of his actions weren’t in his control, but honestly when I took a step back I realized that I shouldn’t put up with that, if he wasn’t willing to get the help I offer go on the meds he needs and say “they are too expensive.” Then turn around and tell me about the stuff he was spending his money on, that’s then not about him seeking help but him just wanting sympathy. You can only hear “I’m going to kill myself the world is better with me gone.” From someone you considered a best friend who disregards his own wife, and other shared friends you have. Yes it sucks I’m not going to sit here and pretend I don’t miss him, but I feel like the version of him I miss was the one who was more carefree and was very much an chill dude, that changed. I’m sure we will bump into each other again, we still have shared friends, but I’ll let future me cross that bridge when it happens, right now I’m finally enjoying my life the way I should and finally finding my peace and happiness I’ve been needing.
So here's something weird. I am, and have been, the kind of person you're describing. I've done a lot of work to be less that way, and I know there will always be more to do. But even as the person *doing* those things... it sucks. It's not like you want to. I hope you understand that no one(probably) is doing that to you intentionally or maliciously. If you need to distance yourself from people like that, I think it's completely valid and justified, and I think either they understand, or they will in time. Just try not to hate them for it, you know. And sometimes, may not a lot of the time, but sometimes, people do get better.
Honestly if he gives me a reason and shows me results he has worked on himself and I don’t expect perfection, but at least commitment, therapy, getting on the meds he needs and taking them, I’d gladly welcome him back with open arms in my life. I know it’s not intentional my current girlfriend is a social worker and explained that what I did is normal, but I’m someone who knows this isn’t him. I know it’s something else, but being able to put in the work even if you hate doing it shows you are aware of your shortcomings. I’m glad you put in the work you did, and I’m sure you have moments where you struggle, but I’m still proud you can self reflect and do what’s right. It’s not easy I’m sure but never sell what you do for yourself short, you’re a lot stronger than most people will be.
Yes. I have a block button on my phone and I know how to use it. I don’t care that you are 96 years old and related to me. Disrespect and invalidation are real, and I’m not going to let you run roughshod over me any longer.
I don't like this one too much. Don't be nice to someone expecting that it will oblige them to do something for you or treat you a certain way. Be nice to people because you want to be a nice person and you value people who do nice things. The last part is essential for me for this. If I don't act like a nice person I cannot possibly respect myself (nor would I expect anyone else to).
How the other person acts is on them and often isn't a reflection on you.
I am polite but not “nice” to those who disrespect me. Just a very basic level of politeness shown to anyone, but I keep my communication to such people very brief.
It seems to. I worked with a guy who was a dick to me from the moment he met me. I said only a brief hello to him most days, and kinda rolled my eyes when he would say that I never communicated. Of course, this was when he was not around.
I think this only applies if you are in a situation where you have to keep interacting them. Just because someone is an ass to you doesn't mean you should be an ass back, but for the most part you also don't have to keep interacting with toxic people.
208
u/Reasonable_Owl_9180 13h ago
Dont be nice to someone who disrespected you especially if you have been nice to them. Your self respect comes first.