And on the flip side, don't settle for and stay with a bad one. Sunk cost fallacy is real, and being alone sucks, but you'll be doing yourself a huge favor and save a lot of wasted time and be one step closer to being happy if you just cut out someone that you're not happy with.
My friend said he wants a specific age, race, demographic, and born from only a certain part of the world while also isolating some women because culturally they’re not what he looks for. With this mindset he then skips a lot of potential datable women, saves him time. I think he’s crazy but it’s his choice, I want to know what others think.
He's doing all the women around him a favor by not wasting their time. I'm a guy btw so if I can notice he's guaranteed the worst person I know, I imagine his reputation around town is pretty bad.
Wanting someone who wants the same things as you and the same culture is alright. But when it starts to get too vain and like.. a specific region?
I mean he's welcome to try. But it seems like hes likely not considering the fact that such a woman must also want him and having such a shallow list of requirements is not ideal.
It's one thing to want a partner who does or does not want kids, and has the same religious views, ect.
Same cultural identity even I can understand. Even age range. But it depends on his approach as to why he wants these things I think.
And on another side too, don't be obsessed to be with a woman, to find a woman, to f**k a woman. Sometimes it's good to be alone, don't struggle to find a woman, born a baby, make a family, have someone always there. It's nice to build something but you can also do it by your own
It depends where those wants come from. After I divorced, I had a hard look inside and discovered I had chosen poorly; now my criteria is much more refined, and I have experience to back up my preferences and my dealbreakers.
I feel like dating apps have perpetuated this. People think they know exactly what and could never settle for anything else. You see the same with houses. Suddenly you realise you like someone who doesn't tick all those boxes but, look at that, you actually like them and they're a joy to be around and make you a better person.
I’d rather that than someone who won’t really love the person they choose. Like they are “settling”. Trust me though, if someone who doesn’t match that description makes his heart beat, he will fall just the same. And so long as he’s not forcing anyone I don’t see anything wrong with it, like it shows he can be alone and doesn’t need a relationship to complete him. The way I see it. And if he does find his perfect ideal then more power to him go actually find someone that hits all his wants.
Your friend sounds like the kind of jabroni who always orders a cheeseburger--even in the town's best Chinese restaurant. There's a time and a place for delicious burgers, but the Imperial Palace ain't it.
I suspect your friend is setting an impossible bar just so he can avoid dating a real woman. If he were serious, he'd work on figuring out how to meet ladies he likes. If he's never finding anyone because he's too damn picky, then that might be the whole point.
If he's satisfied with being single until or if the one appears, if he doesn't take it out on our judge women not this type as inferior, it's fine I guess.
That said, his chances are super low, and part of the fun of dating is encountering and experiencing different kinds of people. The more flexible those superficial kinds of standards, but the higher the emotional and personality standards is the way to go.
To add on don't settle for someone who isn't bad but not who you really enjoy being with. And also not someone who if their body changes you lose all attraction for them. Bodies change over time, especially women's, especially with kids. Be sure it is someone you love and enjoy so much, that doesn't matter.
That's just called being "Shallow". Indeed, Don't be Shallow. Surface level attraction will get the motor running but you need a deeper understanding and appreciation for the long haul.
That is the one that got me good. Wasted so much damn time by remaining committed to making my high-school relationship work into college when it was obvious we were not right for eachother.
What if she's nice, pretty, asocial, but Im not sure if I like her until she's sick of me and then I want her. I'm so confused, she technically is a girl a lot of guys dream of, but I don't know what I feel toward her. (20) I could say a lot more but I dont want to make it an entire rant (so there's probably some crucial info I haven't mentioned)
And also understand no matter how great a person is they have flaws. Just because someone has flaws doesn't preclude them from being great. Everyone has flaws.
Yeah,maybe in the next life I won't be such a dumbass...even though I still think about her, the best I can do is wish her well and that she can be happy.
Every woman I ever went on a date with was a good woman. I truly believe that. But that doesn't mean we would be good together long-term. It's more important to know exactly what you want and to be crystal clear in communicating that to the people you date or might date. Understand what your deal breakers are and never compromise on them, but be flexible on everything else that is not a deal breaker.
Nah the divorces are early to mid thirties. Im currently in this bubble. Constantly surprised by the emotional maturity and independence of single women I meet.
You can scoop up a great woman in your 30s if you’re cool with being a second husband. They’ll really appreciate you too if you’re just nice to them and do the basic things a good partner does. They’ll think you’re an angel just for saying thank you.
Dating in early thirties is AWESOME for guys in my personal experience.
There are always losers but a lot of women know what they want and know how to get it. They don’t play games and it’s just a much smoother experience communication wise than having to guess what is going on or where you stand.
Also the sex is ASTRONOMICALLY better (and frankly more frequent) than it was in my early 20’s.
I had a pretty easy time meeting people. I’m not the most attractive guy, but decent looking and I tend to be able to get along with almost anyone. I was in a long term relationship essentially my entire 20’s starting at 22 and ending when I turned 30.
My only advice for dating is fuck all the advice you might get about being some specific type of person to get women.
In my experience you get WAY better relationships out of just being yourself and being honest about it, be straightforward about what you want. Don’t be afraid to show exactly who you are. Which can be hard and scary… but you end up with way more authentic connections.
Also be honest with yourself about the women you are looking for. Try to spot the early warning signs:
Any dating profile that says “I like a man who leads..” fucking run. I’m sure there are lots of women who have this that might be great… but there are MANY who are looking simply to be pampered and see you as not much more than a means to an end. I don’t mind taking the lead once in a relationship but if they are advertising that way, that’s going to be more work than it’s worth and likely not end well.
Once again, just my opinion from my very limited experience in comparison to the grand scheme.
Nope. I’m 30sF, single, have a good job and my own place, financially stable and in-shape. I have hobbies, take care of myself, and am generally happy with my life. Some of us just haven’t met someone yet 🤷♀️ I’m ok with that
Edit: this comment is really triggering some men 😂
With all due respect, you just listed your accomplishments off like a grocery list, but those aren’t what makes a good partner, even if it makes us feel accomplished.
I AM JOKING of course. Hey I am happy about anyone that’s is happy (well… so as long as their happiness doesn’t depend on someone’s unhappiness or affliction)
Tbf the guy above said most, not all. You could be the exception in the same way you are searching for an exceptional person as well. Orrr you’re completely coping haha impossible to tell
The only reason you are happy is because you are a woman, if you were a man you’d HATE a life like that, trust me, I’m 28 and in more or less the same position and I GENUINELY hate my life and myself
Nice to hear your enjoying yourself tho
Yes, I was banned for "misogyny" for stating blatantly true facts like in my initial comment to you, so I decided to lean directly into what I've been labeled for this account.
Situation dependent. When your young and un established you can have pure connections. If that person is truly unique the odds are she will be married by the time you realize your mistake or have kids etc. Life gets more complicated as we age. You cant expect a rerun.
No, people break up and divorce all the time, it just becomes significantly more difficult to meet people in an organic way. You have to deal with apps or speed dating or other meet up social events.
It kind of feels like the world as a whole is smaller as you get older. You really have to put in effort. You have to deal with people being jaded or having baggage, thinking all the good ones are gone. A lot of people just find it easier to give up and focus on themselves. But they're still out there.
But their advice is correct, when you find a good person, be sure to appreciate them, make time for them, listen to them, talk to them, and see them. It's not enough to know they're a good person, you have to show them you know. That gets lost in the daily ins and outs of life too often.
No, they're "gone" OR have developed standards. Or careers. Or both. If you're lucky, both, plus a house, and not a huge ego about it.
There are fewer folks on the market, sure, but at 30 they are a more proven person who has MOSTLY settled into who she is going to be for the next 20-40 years. Every changes continuously, but generally more dramatically in their 20-30 stretch than their 30-40, and so on. I think this is also why many people like to date an older partner.
If you are ALSO a more proven person that is within a reasonable age range, this 30ish year old professional lady who has her shit together will likely be very sick of dating people with whom she must do the majority of the lifting in emotion, planning, communicating, and generally the WORK of a relationship.
They will value your calm, they will value your foresight, they will value that with you,, they can take a backseat and chill for awhile. They will appreciate that you are a capable, grown ass man. Because again, the bar for young men in those categories is very low, in my experience.
If you are a single man in your 30's or later, and you have NOT cultivated those qualities and a career that covers the basics plus some, trying to snag one of those women? Yeah, you're probably fucked
First you have to actually find a good woman to appreciate. Which in this era is very difficult.
And before anyone loses their shit, that's not because of some inherent defect.. it's because our modern culture fucking sucks and has conditioned us so poorly. Men suck too, but we get told that all the time anyway.
Don't ignore your gut intuition. Just because the majority seem to exhibit similar behaviour does not mean you're safe.
Good attracts good imo. If someone cant find a good woman its probably because they know they are worth more than what they will settle for.
Im not a great woman but I found an amazing man. I've also dated men who were too immature for me, were assholes, or just weren't looking for the same things (marriage, kids, etc). If a man "settles" for bad it might have more to do with how he thinks of himself than anything society told him to do.
If a man "settles" for bad it might have more to do with how he..
Why do people default to this position of always trying to spin it back to blaming the individual, especially if it is a man. This is one of the [many] reasons why we're in this mess.
If he thinks a certain way it's because culture has conditioned him that way, not because of some inherent defect. And this is why there is a dearth of great women in this era, you all just repeat the current cultural psychological zeitgeist without questioning it at all. If you did question it, you'd quickly realise what I said before is true, that modern culture is complete dogshit and has ruined our psychology.
Why don't you be more specific, champ? What exactly is it that women today believe that is absolute dogdhit?
Is it, perhaps, that they shouldn't immediately find a man to be completely subservient to? Are you perhaps upset that women aren't as dependent on men as they used to be, and now you actually have to participate in the emotional labor in order to achieve a relationship?
I know you are not asking me, but I would like to chime in, if you don’t mind.
A simple dogshit idea many young women believe today is that they are all queens. Great for breeding egotistical pride and an inability to know evil within themselves.
I would amend this by saying: look for reasons why they are great and ignore petty reasons why they aren't.
You will never find the perfect mate. Good enough is, unsurprisingly, good enough.
When your young its easy to think you can always find better.
HA!
28 year old ugly loser and never dated, thanks for the doomer fuel.
I feel crushed when I see online beautiful young people having fun, dating around, hooking up, all the things I never even got the chance to do and never will. It feels like being pissed on from heaven while you're down in the mud alone. All these fucks actually living their lives to the fullest and being people while I have to cope myself into thinking "it's not that bad".
No true malice towards anyone, of course, just burning envy and a want to slap them in the face when they complain about anything dating / social related along the lines of "I only get X matches on apps" (more than 2-3), "my dates are XYZ", so on. At least you get a fucking chance, man.
And yes, I know I can improve a lot and I'm trying to, but it only goes so far and the wasted time / missed experiences remain a raw & bleeding wound.
I swear I'm not an incel (other than technically, I suppose). No ill will towards women or anything like that. Just self hatred and grief.
Yo the way you talk about yourself is alarming. Self-talk is really important in how we define our self-esteem. It is cool to be self-aware and honest but “ugly loser” is extra work. Do you believe a respectable woman wants a partner who talks to himself like that? No time is wasted if you’re constantly working towards your goal. I think whoever you end up with would appreciate someone who is kinder to themselves, because you deserve that and so does she. Good luck
I remember going to therapy because I was in a similar situation, and funny enough the therapist told me she would have felt the same, which is envious, and bitter. He said himself no true malice. That doesn't sound like hate.
People here are on their high-horse, like yea what you said wasn't wrong, ideally you don't want to carry someone elses insecurities in a relationship.
I am personally on board with no negative self talk, but for some people its really not their thing at all.
And in my own experience, when i was hating on my looks, it didnt stop a girl from liking me. As long as you don't bring it up constantly. Some people here legit act like 1 insecurity is the equivalent to Hiroshima in a relationship. It isn'.t. And I would bet that most people in relationship have dealt with insecurities and are not all confident. I know margot robbie found herself ugly, i guess no men will date her for that
Like I said, it’s fine to have feelings and to actually feel them. I completely advocate for this, because pushing your real feelings away is a bad idea. They will come out sooner or later in an unexpected and worse way if you hide away from them. But, if you dwell in bad feelings, understand that will be your demise. There’s no point in dwelling in the bad except self-sabotage. And yeah, a lot of people don’t have the support system they need to raise their spirits out of the negative and that sucks. Hopefully comments like mine stick with him and encourage him. Because I do believe people can improve, and I genuinely wish that for him and humanity.
The last point he made was about hatred and grief… again, stop with the excuses. It’s not helpful. And if you read anything he wrote, you can sense the despair he’s hanging on to. You gotta feel that shit and then let it go. Move on and focus on what you can do, and what you like about yourself and your life.
Yea, so what should he do. Telling him he isn't ready is meaningless. The most normie advice is gym and therapy, but in reality, I know guys who have been to the gym for years and still look the same. Therapy is a hit or miss, its a wet dream fantasy reddit has that it fixes all your issues and everything else
I know guys who have been to the gym for years, look dramatically different from before they started going, and still look at themselves in the mirror with disdain. It's me, I'm guys.
Firstly, posts like this are often written in people's worst moments alone. Seeing this post and saying someone isn't ready for a relationship is kind of like walking in on someone in the bathroom taking a shit and saying they aren't worthy of a woman if they present themselves like that. Let's not pretend we don't all have moments of envy, bitterness or pathology in our lives. You are not an angel either.
Secondly, this poster actually demonstrates some self-awareness. They know they need to work on themselves and are trying. They are trying to refrain from actual malice toward anyone (I don't know them but I'm taking their words for what they are). Having this mindset while getting not a single bit of romantic interest up until 28 is brutal. No matter what people on Reddit tell you, love is an essential component of the human experience. Being denied it while others get it in abundance is true pain.
Try transposing his words onto a poor person looking into a developed society. "I feel crushed when I see people in developed socities being well-fed, having ample shelter and good infrastructure when I have to work my hands to the bone just to live". "No malice towards anyone...just burning envy and a want to slap them in the face when they complain about the size of their bedroom or kitchen".
There is some emotional work he has to do, as do we all. But why pathologize the pain of not receiving love? We celebrate how beautiful it is all the time in our culture, how do you think missing out feels?
Remember that the online world is entirely curated. Not even the beautiful people look as good as they do on camera. It is a highlight reel. You don't see them at 3am having panic attacks or spilling stuff on themselves. Or that day where their acne goes nuts. Many of them use software that alters their faces.
Even the people who are more "open" about not being perfect still edit their videos and take them 5 times.
It's very easy to compare real life to what is essentially a bunch of micro reality TV.
Not to put others down. But I'm sure you know a couple that is happy and does and never looked like a pair of supermodels. We live in a world that went from criticizing fashion magazines for how they misrepresented people and encouraged young women and men to starve themselves. But now a more accessible, personalized and more destructive version of them is accessible every day on our phones.
if yourself want to sleep around/have fun more, I recommend to look into local kink or swinger clubs. Heavily dependent on where you live, but I see a lot of non-conventional attractive men get a lot of play. A lot of caveats with this advice, but maybe something to try. I helped an online friend similar to this but was mid 30s find a gf this way
in your defense it is SUPER fun to be hot and get laid and party w the ladies. not the only thing to do, but i can't think of anything i enjoy as much as the company of fine women
It gets worse when your friends (and your siblings) get multiple children. While you are still figuring out how to find a possible partner.
I'm earning more than enough money for myself and I have a lot of free time but I can't help but think: what did I do wrong? And why was it so easy for everybody to roll further into life while I'm out here in almost the exact same situation as when I was a student 20 years ago so to speak.
At the same time, don't settle. Just because she's nice to you doesn't mean she's "the one" (another myth; in reality, there are varying levels of compatibility).
Her wanting to be with you is the bar; you need to aim for someone who helps make you the best version of yourself, and you do the same for her. Obvs this advice is for straight men, because that's my lived experience.
On top of all this, take care of yourself - don't show up as the slob looking for a live-in maid. Be an adult and take care of chores, errands, grooming, medical stuff, exercise and eating well.
21m.
I’m literally in this rabbit hole. I’m always in a loop that after one year and a half i start thinking about how my life could be with another girl, so i left one to follow another.
I don’t wanna be a “sex lover”, idgaf about sex in a relation (yes it’s a beatiful thing but it’s not the focus) but i continue to find myself in this hole: other girls are prettier, funnier etc or “if i stay with a girl how can i’ll have a “dad lore”.
I’m feeling shit about myself to think in this way but i don’t know why.
I am honestly a good person and i give the world to the woman i stay with, but my mind Just casually go with that thoughts.
(Sorry for my english i’m not native)
Amen to that. Unfortunately for all of you, I live with the greatest women on earth ;). I discovered her maybe two three years before what I would have liked (captain of college football team). However, 17 years later, I can tell you that nothing could have happened in those three years in college to make it worth what she is and brought to my life. You got a good one that will stick with you in the dark times, be loyal, be a good mother, let you be you, and bring the best out of you, nothing can be worth that mate.
So men marry women they dont really like coz they realised they wont get better one... thats eww. U should marry someone coz u love them, not coz u realised u wont get better one
To add on top of this, I would advise all to not waste time thinking about how it could have been with some girl in the past, what you should have done, if it worked out differently, etc. Learn from past relationships, but don't waste your time fantasizing about the way things could have been.
If you're saying right person, wrong time, while still in the relationship, you are already giving yourself an excuse to be shitty. Go to therapy, and tackle your issues head on instead of romanticizing a failing relationship.
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u/WoodenCrow6024 13h ago edited 10h ago
Appreciate a good woman. When your young its easy to think you can always find better. By your mid to late 30s most of the great women are gone.
Thanks for the awards. Just trying to be helpful.