You didn't want this breakup. They did. They made that decision knowing damn well how much it would hurt you and they still chose to walk away.

• The person you thought you would grow old with.
• The person you considered your home.
• The person you instinctively texted whenever something happened.
• The person you wanted to share your good days and bad days with.

That person no longer exists.

• They didn't look back when you tried to reason with them.
• They didn't look back when you offered solutions/tried to fix things.
• They didn't look back when you cried.
• They didn't look back when you begged them to stay.

I know it hurts like hell because in your mind, they're still the person you fell in love with. You're still holding on to the version of them who made you feel safe, loved and at home. The person you thought would never bear to see you hurt like this, yet somehow became the very person who could watch you cry and beg for them to stay and still remain so cold towards you.

You need to understand something: you're holding on to a version of someone who no longer wants to be with you.

In a way, grief after the breakup feels like mourning someone who is still alive. You remember their voice, their habits, their laugh, the little things they did and al the ordinary moments you once took for granted. You miss someone who still exists in this world but is no longer the same person you once knew and the hardest part of all? The person you want to run to for comfort is the very person who caused you this pain.

So before you break no contact, before you send that message, before you convince yourself that one more conversation might change their mind, STOP and remember why you're here in the first place.

You didn't choose this breakup, you have no say in it, all you could do was accept. But you can choose not to keep reopening the wound.

You don't need to hate them. You don't need to pretend you no longer love them. You don't even need to be ready to move on today. But you do need to start accepting that the relationship is over even if your heart hasn't caught up with that reality yet. Sometimes letting go doesn't mean you stopped loving them. It means you finally accept that love alone isn't enough to make someone stay.

It's time to bring that love back to ourselves, one day at a time.

We deserve to heal too.

Lowkey, I just need to vent this out and i hope my experience gives other people an idea of what comes next after the initial "oh shit, its really over" devastation clears.

SOME BACKGROUND:

Im gonna be straight up, it doesnt go away neatly lol. My ex and I were together for 5, almost 6, years and when she broke up with me, she did it over an unprompted phone call that lasted less than 20 minutes. It was really really harsh. We had ups and downs. She had broken up with me before but we were solid for a few years after and I thought we were committed to growing together.

In reality, it was tough on both of us. We met really young and navigating our early and mid 20s together trying to figure out who we wanted to be and what we wanted in life while being tied to one another probably didnt help us out.

Add in the fact that I received a pretty intense diagnosis near the middle of the relationship (and kinda spiraled slowly after) and it was clear that we both were in a very serious commitment neither one of us fully appreciated until it got real.

Anyways, I wasnt perfect. The end of the relationship (last 6 months) was rough. We went long distance because she moved out of state for grad school and our relationship heavily deteriorated due to a lot of factors. I had a lot (A LOT) of fight still left in me because I loved her but she was slowly pulling away and I just didnt see it. Or maybe i just tried to ignore it, hoping that things would turn around for us and we'd choose each other again when our backs hit the wall :')

It did not happen that way

NO CONTACT:

When she broke things off, I immediately opted for no contact. I didnt explicitly tell her "lets not talk for now" but I just went radio silent. The phone call she hit me with was out of the blue and I felt blindsided so I was really hurt and feeling like a real, huge ass loser.

I was ashamed, so I hid. For a cool month I just tried to process the fact that it even happened but honestly it didnt hit me until month 2.

From then on, I was ruminating endlessly every night thinking about my role and everything I did wrong. I removed her from Instagram and deleted her number, hid every photo I could on my phone and tried to forget it happened. That... is impossible to do. I drank a lot and started coping with a lot of unhealthy habits.

Month 3 was my stalking era lol. I was checking up on her stuff every once in a while before but month 3 I went into obsessive mode. DONT DO THIS. You will 100% see things you dont want to see and CANT UNSEE. It will break your spirit.

Even if your ex wouldnt be the type to rebound so fast (tbh mine didnt but seeing her move on hurt), you will 100% see photos you don't have any context for, with people you probably dont know, with your ex posted up in a style you dont recognize, and doing faces or going out to places you didnt think they'd be.

It will hit you hard and you'll feel like theyre leaving you behind. So please, spare yourself and dont look at their socials. It can only ever go badly when you havent processed the breakup.

I ended up permanently blocking her socials and even deactivating mine just so I could give myself some peace. It was really hard at first but I had friends who encouraged me and it helped a lot.

The weeks went by and it felt less and less like I was missing out on their life.

I slowly started to remember I had agency over my own decisions and what I did with my time once I stopped thinking of her so much. I got a new job, met some really great people, started dressing a little differently than i used to (it gave me a lot of confidence back), and im always trying to step outside of my comfort zone and give things a try.

My new job got me back into shape and I changed what I was eating which helped me reach a point where I felt confident in my looks again. The new people I met also helped me build my confidence. If I could get along and be friends with them, maybe I wasnt so terrible after all?

I also finally addressed the elephant in the room for me: my mental stuff. I got on some meds and put a lot of work into rebuilding my support network.

I cant stress enough how much of a difference this makes.

Having people to talk to about your darker emotions and feelings, working with a professional to address things that you are having trouble getting past on your own, its all helping you rebuild a strong foundation for yourself.

If I could recommend some books/people to check out, id recommend Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, Carl Jung, and maybe a bit more abstract one but Jean Baudrillard.

Baudrillard's work on hyperreality and the nature of objective truth actually helped me to process a lot of the confusing thoughts and obscured feelings I had around my desire to "perform" being okay and wanting to project an image of myself, online and otherwise, that would prove to my ex that I was still worth her time, effort, and love so that I could "win her back".

I strongly believe that without all these moving pieces, id be dead lol by my own hand if you catch me. The grief of the loss was that bad.

That all sounds super healthy and cool but if it makes you feel scared that you wont bounce back like that, dont even worry about that. You will. It wont be like it looks on social media or in movies but you will reach a point where you just get so exhausted spending all your energy on someone who is gone that you (almost to survive) start to turn all that energy around and put it into yourself. You always have the choice to start, theres no time frame for it.

That being saiiidd... it aint all uphill either lol there are a lot of dips and mountains to climb. Its a rollercoaster ig lol

MONTH 9:

Its been rough with the changing seasons. The air changes, the days feel shorter and the rain coming in has brought a whole bunch of old memories I had forgotten back up to torture me. It sucks but I can tell I handle it better now.

Before it would literally take my life away from me. Days in bed, not eating or sleeping or even talking to people. Now? It brings a heavy sigh, a sad feeling, and then I move on. I can still laugh when someone tells me a joke, I can still smile when I pass by friendly and familiar faces, and I can still get up every day and do the things I need to do.

The grief takes less from me now.

Do I still wonder how she is doing? Yeah, all the time. But ive also met new and cool people and its given me hope that she wasnt the end all be all. One day she may reach out, I dont know how ill feel then but I do have confidence that I can handle it as back in month 2, I thought my world would end but now, I am slowly getting back up and on my feet, 10 toes down instead of falling back onto my heels lol.

Yall got this, trust the process and lean on anyone and everyone you can. You'll be better for it.

AND DONT STALK THEM OR BREAK NO CONTACT. PLEASEEEE D:

Made it to the other side. I got broken up with at the beginning of the year by the person I genuinely thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

I was heartbroken, genuinely didn’t feel the joy in life after the breakup. I didn’t feel like love was real, I felt like I was going to be alone forever.

Yall, I feel SO much better. I was scared to completely let go but I just unadded/unfollowed this person on everything. I haven’t looked at their social media pages for a while. I don’t care anymore. I truly detached. This is also without being in another relationship.

I have realized someone who truly loves me would NEVER treat me the way they did, and also never risk losing me. I should never and will never accept less than someone who really deserves me. Same goes for all of you. Don’t settle.

I’m posting this as some encouragement. I know it seems like the end of the world going through it and you feel like nothing will make it better. Go through the motions, feel the hurt, learn from your mistakes. But also recognize that the person you might be missing wasn’t the right one for you and they weren’t all sunshine and rainbows. Focusing on both of those things and learning from them will help you so much I promise.

I see this person now as not a mistake per se, but a lesson for sure. I learned a lot and I’m grateful for that but I’m also so glad that I know I deserve better than that. This person will get what they deserve for what they did one way or the other. That isn’t my business, and I’m not waiting for it. But good luck to them!

My ex drunk texted me "hey" after 7 months of no contact, she was the one who broke up with me very abruptly. And I decided to respond a day later with a "hey" She didn't respond until a week later she apologized for it and said how she was drunk and feeling nostalgic. She also sent a gif.I responded a couple days later with a joking response.

I got over her romantically and emotionally but a part of me always wanted to catch up one day. But I started thinking about how she basically discarded me and never cared to understand just how much she hurt me and I regretted responding cause now I feel like disrespected myself cause I am giving her access to myself again without her having to acknowledge what happened.

what do u guys think abt the saying that “people who break up and get back together are likely to break up for the same reason again”? needed some actual opinions on this

The moment they left, you started fighting for a relationship that only one person still wanted.
You replayed conversations.
You checked their socials.
You waited for the “I made a mistake” text.
Meanwhile they were already practicing living without you.
No contact isn’t punishment.
It’s the quiet decision to stop begging for a seat at a table where you’re no longer invited.
The day you choose silence over chasing is the day you start choosing yourself.
Who else needed to hear this today?

we broke up on great terms but our distance ultimately got too much for her, had some downs too but nevertheless, we would've done this a thousand times if we could. we're on no contact.

anyway, it's been about a week and i feel a bit better, but i can't help but think about the fact that if we never cross paths again, she's gonna end up with someone else.

and the new person she has, will know everything about her just like i did, they'll share intimate moments with each other, they'll be her safe person, like i was.

and i know that life moves on and i'll find my person too, whether its her again or someone else, and i'll have alllll those things i listed above, but it's still unsettling to me.

does this feeling ever shake away? it's still a fresh break up but it still hurts, and i don't like the feeling of her being with someone else, whether its months or years down the line.

You know what’s actually crazy?

You can love someone with everything you have…

and still be the wrong person for them.

Not because you weren’t the ‘right person’

But because they simply didn’t want you the way you wanted them.

And no amount of love can fix that. 💔

I want to apologize—not because I want to get back together—but because I know he went through a lot because of me and I genuinely feel bad. I’m also genuinely thankful for everything he had done for me and I don’t think I ever expressed how grateful I truly was.

The door is always open for him since I don’t believe in cold treatment towards others. I’m happy if he does want to reach out and I’m happy if he doesn’t.

It’s been at least half a year is the timing ok?

Edit: Thank you for the responses everyone! I appreciate your input! I don’t think I’ll write him anything as I don’t want to hurt his progress nor do I want him to feel burdened by me

Title. She was caring, was my number one supporter, and fought for us. I took all of it for granted and now I lost her. I can grow and become a better person but I completely lost her.

I feel like people underestimate how difficult it is to let go of something when you don’t even understand what happened.

It’s one thing to accept that something is over. It’s another to sit with the fact that you’ll probably never know what was genuine, what changed, or whether you were the only one who saw things the way you did.

Sometimes I wonder if we actually miss certain people, or if we’re just stuck trying to make sense of an experience that left us with more questions than answers.

Because how are you supposed to make peace with something when your mind keeps trying to find a reason for it?

I miss him a lot. It has been 1 month since he broke up.

I just wanna say "come".

Help me.

I recently got out of my first serious relationship almost a month ago and I think one of the hardest parts is how weird my life feels now.
Before him, I was used to being alone. I didn’t really have a huge social life or a big group of friends. I mostly worked, spent time by myself, saw my family, etc. and it didn’t really bother me because that was just my normal.
Then I got into this relationship and everything changed really quickly. We spent most nights together, talked constantly, slept next to each other, had dinner together, watched shows on the couch, made plans for the weekend, traveled/planned trips, and just had all these little routines that made my life feel shared with someone.
Now that we’re broken up, I’m technically back to the exact same life I had before him, but it doesn’t feel the same at all.
It’s weird coming home and knowing nobody is coming over. There’s nobody next to me on the couch, nobody to cook for, nobody asking what I’m doing later, nobody sleeping next to me. My apartment feels quieter. Weekends feel longer.
And I think what I miss isn’t even just him. I miss the version of myself I was when I was with someone. I liked being affectionate and domestic and having someone to take care of. I liked being someone’s girlfriend. I liked having a person and feeling like I belonged somewhere.
Now I just feel like I’m a girl who is by herself all the time again, except now I know what it feels like to have that kind of companionship, so being alone feels way more noticeable than it did before.
I know I don’t want to rush into another relationship just because I’m lonely, and I also know my relationship had real problems and I wasn’t happy toward the end.
But I’m struggling with how empty my life feels without that everyday companionship.

We are already engaged but for months I feel that something's missing and I can't say exactly what,but I can't get this out of my head that maybe he's not the "one" for me. Ofc I am miserable since then and really don't know what to do.

As a person, I can't say anything bad about him,he's a great guy so the problem is me,sadly.

But I just can't break up but this is eating me alive. (I talked with him about this before, he even asked me if I want to continue this relationship w him but I couldn't say no)

Have you ever been in this kind of situation?

2 yo relationship, ended cuz of family shit and religion 🤞🏼.

Both went no-contact like 2 months ago to move on, texted in between to ask how stuffs going on. We both helped each other move on, nowadays don't talk much thou!

Both are doing pretty well i suppose. She got a new guy her family recommended, i don't want distractions rn.

Her bday is in 2 hours.

1. Should I wish her? Or is it a bad idea

2. I thought of gifting her a plushie? Or is that an even stupid idea

Anyone experienced this shit to tell me where I should stop haha, don't wanna fry my brain!!!!

It took nearly 2 years, but I'm finally healed and haven't felt this happy and relieved in a while. During these years I got a lot of support from this community, even had a few posts/comments that I deleted eventually, but I can't be thankful enough for all the support I got.

Also my best advice: Try to find yourself

The advices I got at the beginning is to work on myself, exercise, eat healthier, find a new hobby etc. But these are things I could have started already before the breakup. They didn't really help, just gave me a short term solution, a distraction from the breakup.

The worst part that at the end I wanted only one thing: her recognition, her approval. I wanted to show her how fit I become, show her my new calisthenics skills, my pixelarts, that I learned to play on guitar.

Eventually this even become a toxic motivation. I wanted to hurt her, show what she have lost. Took me a painfully lot of time, and the realization felt like a punch in the guts: she lost nothing. I didn't do the all of these things because I liked them, inside I felt empty.

So do what you like, you are single now, you can spend all your free time and money on yourself, if something helps, even just a little bit, do it. Personally I bought myself THE gaming setup I always dreamed of and a bunch of home gym stuff. Do I exercise only at home? no. Do I have a lot of time to play on my pc? not at all but I love every moment of it.

And at the end, whatever your goal is, to move on, or to get back together with your ex, it's going to happen when you least expect it. If you are happy and you love yourself people can feel it. So try to focus on becoming happier, not just "better".

Thank you if you read all the way to this point, wish you the best and take care friend, if I did it, you can too

My ex (of 8 years) and I broke up 3 months ago. it was messy and the way he handled things was done in a way i’d never forgive him.

yesterday I saw a recent picture of him, and felt nothing.

today he texted me and said he hoped i was doing well, i didn’t care to reply

it. gets. better.

Like the title says, my boyfriend hasn’t had a job in 4 years and despite telling him he needs to get one or risk loosing me he hasn’t showed any action. I feel like I’m the only one working towards the future for us while he sits back and doesn’t. I feel resentment building and know I can’t be a good girlfriend to him anymore, I’m impatient and quick to anger and I want things to work but he’s not doing what our future requires to actually have one. We have been together since high school and I know he will be so sad if we break up, I don’t know how to do it or if I even should.

Does anyone have any advice on this? Such as a similar experience where you left or stayed? Or how can I break up with him in a way where he will be the least devastated? Or advice on ending a long term relationship, how do I heal after ending this?

My ex and I broke up 3 months ago after 4 years together. He was the love of my life. It didn't end well between us. I've been doing my best to try and process things. I've focused on my fitness, work and making new friends however the past week for some reason I couldn't stop thinking about him. I've processed a lot of the hurt he caused and now I just miss him desperately. I miss the friend I had in him. We were really attached when we were together so not having him in my life these past few months has been like losing a part of me.

Anyway, I did what everyone says not to do and I reached out a couple of days ago and broke no contact. I wasn't expecting anything in return and I didn't get a response. A part of me wishes we could be friendly with each other now but he clearly doesn't want to or isn't ready or has moved on and I have to try and accept that.

All this to say, you really do have to be prepared for the worst if you break no contact. Sometimes you need to do it for your sanity but more often than not you don't get the outcome you want. Break ups suck!

Don’t text him. Don’t text him. Don’t text him.

Sorry don’t mind me. I’m about to go text him.

I didn't think I was going to but I had to. I ended up blocking my ex. We spoke again and I just couldn't take his responses. He didn't want to talk about feelings or anything. He couldn't even have the balls to tell me straight up if we would have another chance at all. No closure. Just stringing me along. I don't need that. I don't need to be hopeful and patient and just waiting around while he enjoys life, sleeps good at night while I'm here suffering, crying, begging, chasing to no avail. Something just clicked and so I sent him one last message and said that I was going to move on and we didn't need to exist in each other's life anymore. That I hope he is happier this time. I am in shock right now, but I know I'll be hurting and back to square one again with my feelings but I hope so much I get over him.

I’m several weeks out of a breakup, and I've realized that what I'm experiencing isn't primarily heartbreak or longing.

I rarely look at our photos anymore, I don't feel the urge to contact him or share things with him, and I have no desire to get back together.

What remains is confusion.

During the relationship, I tried to understand our problems as differences we might be able to work through together. I paid attention to his behavior, communicated what I needed, and tried to find ways for us to improve.

After the breakup, I learned that he had used softened words (basically a lie) to avoid scaring me away, even though the reality was different from what I understood. That made me question not only his behavior, but also my understanding of the relationship itself.
Now I keep trying to reconstruct what happened: what he genuinely wanted, what he was capable of, what he knew, and why his words and actions didn't align.

I don't think I want him back. I think I want to understand what I actually experienced.
Has anyone else gone through a breakup where the hardest part wasn't missing the person, but trying to make sense of the relationship after discovering that important information had been withheld?

How did you eventually stop trying to solve it, especially when you knew some questions would never have definitive answers?

I'm very sure I don't want this guy back, but I keep flipping back to reminiscing positively about the old times, and he just shows up in my mind a lot still, even though it'd been nine months and I don't feel heartbroken anymore. I think I still miss him/our connection, and I don't think I would ever take him back because of the way it ended. Is it normal to miss and think of someone this much in such a good way, or am I not over him? Lmk if more details are helpful. We had a rather unconventional relationship

Hi everyone,

I was in a 6 year relationship and we were engaged for 3 years. I was discarded 4 months ago, and it has been one of the most devastating experiences. I had to go to emergency care and been in therapy, as well as losing my job because I could hardly function. I also recently learned she'd moved on within weeks of the break up, which pulled me back to ground zero.

It's been a tough journey but my friend helped shift my perspective yesterday. He called it a blessing in disguise. Imagine if I had spent longer than 6 years with her? What if we had children?

It's started to make me view things more positively and reframe.

"I only spent 6 years with her rather than 12 years (thank god!)."

"I am about to meet someone who will add to my life rather than subtract from it"

"I no longer have my energy drained by all the drama in their life so I can build my own life up"

"I now have space in my life for real authentic love to come in"

Of course, it's still difficult. I had every intention of spending my life with her. But I know the door is shut for me, because when they are with someone else, that's unforgivable in my eyes. And I'm scared at 31 that it may be too late for me to find my person, but I prefer that possibility of being alone the rest of my life than stepping back into the tiger cage with her. But the reframing is serving as a good counter weight and getting me to see a future again at the very least.

Them doing the discard is hurtful. But it can also be a favour for us too. The greatest gift they ever give us in the whole relationship if we reframe it. Because that's their true personality mask off and the true love of your life would never hurt you in that way. So how can they possibly be the love of your life? The love of your life is out there waiting for you to find them.

I'm 29. I was in an 8-year relationship that started in Class 8. After it ended, I stayed single for 4 years, trying to heal and move on.
Recently, I finally gave myself another chance at love, hoping things would be different. But this time, the experience has been even more painful than my previous relationship.
I haven't been sleeping properly. I cry almost every night, question my worth, and wonder what I did wrong. I've always tried to be kind to people and never intentionally hurt anyone. I genuinely wished good things for everyone, yet somehow, when it came to my own happiness, things fell apart again.
I've prayed to God, cried, and begged for peace, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes, I feel like everyone who hurt me has their God looking after them, protecting them and helping them move forward. **But what about my God? Where is my God when I'm crying all night, begging for a little peace? Why does it feel like everyone has someone looking out for them except me?**
I'm tired of pretending to be okay. I'm losing faith in love, God, and even myself. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I just want to understand why something I approached with a genuine heart has left me feeling so broken.