It's the lack of:

flirty texts

a slap on the butt

hearing "I'm so glad you're mine"

that embrace pulling you closer

"come here, sit with me"

that look

the passion, the effort

eye contact

feeling desirable

playful teasing

"you're so beautiful/handsome" when you just look ordinary

feeling pursued

meaningful kisses

safety being vulnerable

"go relax, I'll take care of it"

random hug from behind

being asked how your day was and really feeling heard

sexy inside joke

I (27, HLM) was showing my gf (26,LLF) something on my phone and I accidentally showed her an unclosed browser window where I apparently forgot to close the porn I was watching earlier. So I told her nonchalantly like it's no big deal. After all, she told me that she's watched porn before too and even told me about her favorite male pornstar back then.

Hours later she told me that she was salty with me after seeing that. In my mind I was like "good. feel salty". I may sound like a total asshole but I've had to live with a dead bedroom for the majority of our relationship. I've had to endure rejection after rejection after rejection and I never gave her shit about it. I just sucked it up everytime. And most of all, there also times where she made me feel like she was so disgusted at me. Swatting me and pushing me away, sometimes even acting all annoyed or disgusted.

For the past few years porn has been the only thing that has helped me get through this and I hate that I have to resort to it. It's been the only consistent source of sexual stimulation for me. Back when we were sexually active in the beginning of our relationship, I never watched porn at all cause it didn't appeal to me anymore. It's only been in the later years where our bedroom was dying down that I've gone back to it.

So yeah, in my mind I was like "feel salty then" cause that "salt" is nothing compared to the bitter pills I've had to swallow for years.

Laying in bed this morning. Another evening of high expectations that turned into zero intimacy. Annoyed and grumpy he is taking so long to leave for work, since I’m going to have to take care of myself, and I need to do so before the baby wakes up.

Then my camera notifications go off. He’s outside. Putting air in my tires. Then I hear him clanking in the kitchen. He’s helping reset after a busy Saturday. I feel awful for wishing he’d hurry up and leave. He’s trying to help. Just not in our DB. I’m confused and guilty and sad.

Why lie next to your devoted, loyal, hot wife on a nice weekend morning, when you can hop out of bed at 7 am to doom scroll YT and Instagram?

Why give her more than a quick, lackluster peck upon waking or before going to bed?

She specifically asked for another kiss and a hug? How dare she? You already did give her that one friendly handshake and quick smooch on the cheeck, that has to suffice 😂

Damn... Can you even imagine how humiliating it is...He literally told me "But I did kiss you good morning already". So fucking what? Is there a limit to how many times a husband can show affection to his wife?

I'm trying to be that unbothered queen but I'm only 35 and I miss my fiery, passionate days. I'm a very physical person and I've been depressed for years now. He is a provider man and doing alright in other aspects - so I gotta give him that.

But I am also a shell of my former self. Idk for how much longer I can act unbothered. My pride is keeping me from begging for his cock but I'm crumbling inside. All my frustration goes into exercise, smut fiction, romance movies and whatnot to keep my vagina from turning into a desert.

Funny, isn’t it? The absurdity of it. Crying while trying to make the one-eyed monster cry.

I (M33) was watching amateur porn when it hit me: my wife (F31) hasn’t gone down on me in a year. Maybe once, and it felt like a chore, a favor. The kind where you finish and feel ashamed for making your partner do it.

I’m married to the love of my life, and I’m having less sex than ever. I used to hook up several times a week and felt empty because there was no love. Now I have the love, and I’m starving for touch (i don't know which is worse). A friend rubbed my shoulders the other day and I got goosebumps.

We want a kid, but I don’t want one if the only time we have sex is once a month at peak ovulation.

It wasn’t always like this. But her job got more stressful. I provide for us financially, but I’m not the type who’s driven by milestones like buying an apartment, and I think she wants that more than I do. Our love languages are very different. But I’m lovable. I’m caring. I’m fitter than I’ve ever been, and ironically I’ve never felt less attractive.

I don’t even know how to initiate anymore. Every time we talk about it, we argue. She says she wants more attention from me, so I try. I bring flowers, do chores, take her on dates, check in during the day. She leaves me on read.

Could I do more? Definitely. I'm bitter and we argue. But it feels so one-sided that my own attraction is running out. I have nowhere left to draw the romance from. The only kisses are pecks. The only touch is me scratching her back. When I told her I need more touch, she started giving me a hand when we walk or sit (once I reach for it). She says she loves me. I believe she does. But she wants the stability and safety of a relationship, not the touch that much. I sometimes hope she has an affair, but I know she doesn't.

We’ve been married 1.5 years and together 4.5. I've signed for individual therapy and I hope we will try couples therapy. But for now I’m the HL partner, masturbating alone and feeling sad. Life is funny.

My husband and I(both 30) have been together 11 years. The last 7 years have been extremely stressful for him on a more personal level and I've also had my years of extreme lows. We work extremely well together, share the same values and world views and honestly are each other's rocks. The problem lies in our sexual lives. For context, we have sex once in 4 months, hold hands, cuddle but never kiss, never make out, have completely stopped sexting.

I feel like we have different levels of desire, I crave more desire, passion, casual sexual playfulness in everyday life, I don't necessarily want to have sex always. Him on the other hand... I don't know now. I've asked him, and he says he doesn't think much of sex which I respect. He says intimacy for him is about being close to me, which I respect. I've even shared ways in which I'd like to be shown desire passion etc.

It's reached a point where I get easily irritated out of the blue when I crave the lust/attention because I know it's not something that will be reciprocated. I am ashamed now of my sexual desires.

We've had multiple discussions and spoken about this, it comes down to taking actions, I really feel alone in this and feel like I need to explicitly say every little thing.

Everytime I share with this with him, he feels guilty and goes blank and silent, I feel bad that I disturbed a peaceful/good day or that I don't respect him.

What do I do?!?!?

Today is my anniversary.

But not the kind you want to celebrate.

During this hour, one year ago, was the last time she even tried to make me feel somewhat wanted.

Days after, even though it wasn't the truth but just her own insecurities, she told me that I didn't appreciate it. That nothing she did was ever enough.

So, I stopped trying to fix things, I focused on me, and just lived with the situation.

One year without:

being touch,

being loved,

being wanted,

being made love to,

being kissed,

being hugged,

being told I was special,

being made out with,

being fucked.

So..... Happy Anniversary to me.

Although it is hard, I won't forget that I am still someone special, someone that should be desired, and that I am not worthless.

Yall know the game. 4 times in the last 6 months, once in the last 2 months.

Yesterday it was on the cards (apparently). It’s been a rough week, I was exhausted. We were watching tv together and she asked if I was in a mood because I wasn’t talking much. Completely wasn’t, just very tired and a bit zoned out. Recognised I was doing it and then tried to engage more for the rest of the evening.

Bedtime comes and it’s on with the baggy tshirt, so I asked when we are going to make time for it.

“Well I thought it was tonight but after you being cold with me it isn’t”

Now I’ll look after the kids for 24 hours straight whilst she goes drinking for 12 hours and then has a monster hangover - a regular way I spend the weekends.

I’m tired boss.

I’m a 44M, wife 38 in short after 3 kids she has new “sensory issues,” is deeply depressed about her career, and anxious about everything from the spider under our bed to a fkn asteroid over our roof. It wasn’t always like this, we used to make love, and I mean seriously make the sheets wet 3-5 times a day. And now literally nothing. We just had our tenth wedding anniversary-and the sexless date night killed me. We moved back to Spain last year (we’re from the US and went back to try it out for six months)-this just lowered her libido more. Fast forward to tonight, she gets in bed, I start kissing her back and she tells me, “not tonight, you’re making me anxious!” This seriously hurt me more than no sex, I’ve read about this moment and it’s what I feared the most: that the mere idea of me wanting to kiss her, touch her-make love to her would trigger her nervous system. And. Now we’re there. I’m curious to know from other women what this means? And from other men who have gone through this what to do? How long does it last? Do I wait for another 5 years? She says she doesn’t want therapy that she just wants to focus on her work and provide for our kids as she’s resentful that I’ve been the sole provider since she quit her job in the States some years ago. Any advice on how to cope, wait, not fuck up our beautiful family over my lack of a sex life would be much appreciated! 

Hello, my fiancee has not been wanting to have sex most of the time for several months. We had a great sex life before this, and now even when she does want to have sex, (on a rare occasion) I choose not to do it because I harbor so much resentment towards her, sex, and have a horrible self image and ruined confidence. She mainly chooses her sex toy over me because it "lasts longer" and maybe because it's bigger.

Has anyone else experienced this? While I am in the dead bedroom, I wanted nothing more than to get out, but when an opportunity comes to get out, I cannot bring myself to actually do it.

I sit in silence with my wife much of the time we are together. When we do talk, it’s usually about logistics: finances, pick-ups, drop-offs, home maintenance, car maintenance.

She’s not a bad person, she just doesn’t understand that the way she relates to the world is cold and clinical. I will defend her as a decent person until the day I die. Sure, she may not be attracted to me anymore, but I still love her.

I had a random conversation with another woman today at an event and it was so nice. She was so cool and we didn’t talk about anything inappropriate! We had a good 50/50 back-and-forth about life, parenting, and the news.

I can live with the sexlessness for much longer than I can live with the silence. This is what I want from my wife. Tell me what you’re thinking! I love to hear your thoughts.

I’m not anxious, either. My wife’s just what you call “dismissive-avoidant.” I think she fears intimacy at some level and self-sabotages.

Why can’t you talk to me? I promise I won’t say a word and only want to hear you talk!

I left my DB a couple of months ago after being with my ex for 15 years. Basically sexless for 10 of those.

I actually feel really nervous about dating and that I'm just totally not ready. Even though I left because I am a HLF but the thought of being physically intimate with someone makes me apprehensive. That's probably the years of feeling completely neglected.

I'd rather be where I am now rebuilding my life, but I won't lie and say that I'm not a little scared about the future and dating etc.

For those who have left, how long was it before you got back out there and how was it? Male and female perspectives welcome.

I’ve been dealing with a dead bedroom for a hot minute. I guess i’m now the one with a low libido, so the roles reversed as I haven’t been able to bounce back from shutting this part of me off. I have struggled a lot with feeling connected to my partner and feeling that intimacy when we do have sex, but I do still love them.

despite my issues with no longer feeling that desire as much, I’ve ended up watching porn every so often. I don’t really know why as it doesn’t help me and I never actually liked porn. I watched a video of someone performing oral on his partner, and it just filled me with this intense sadness about my sexual relationship with mine.

I am fully aware that my partner does not need to do anything they don’t enjoy. I don’t want them to do anything they don’t want. I’ll obviously never pressure them or force them to do anything they don’t want to, but it’s still unfortunate oral is off the table.
our sex life has changed completely from the first time we met, so every day I just miss when I was completely obsessed with them.

Everything just feels so dull and numb now. It’s obvious as well because my partner told me sex is better when i’m actually aroused, but I didn’t know what to say outside of just apologizing and reassuring them that I enjoy being together.

My husband and I have been having less and less sex for the last few years

I have posted here a few times.

Some weeks are genuinely great! While some are not at all.

Whenever we do have sex it is almost always initiated by me I think he has initiated maybe 4 times in the last few years. I get turned down 9/10 x times I try to initiate.

I had abdominal surgery last week and my surgeon cleared me for sex as soon as I felt comfortable and this morning my husband actually initiated sex for the first time in a long time!

I was so excited!

We had (what I thought) was lovely foreplay were going to go gentle and slow but after maybe 10 seconds of actual sex he had to go to the bathroom, came back then said kissing and touching was making him hot and nauseous.

I wont lie that hurt my s feelings and made me feel so stupid because I was so excited for intimacy and thought we were having fun.

Like damn that really hurt my ego too.

He told me he was suddenly not in the mood.

I was hurt and embarrassed and admittedly stormed off without saying anything and I have been crying in another room ever since.

So I guess we'll try again in another few weeks...

I'm losing patience and just feel like an ugly unwanted sex fiend.

The messed up part is I have noticed after so much rejection my libido is slowly being killed and so has my desire for sex.

I'm slowly becoming repulsed, resentful, angry and jealous of anything sexual and I hate that about myself.

I take care of myself plenty but I crave that connection and intimacy and goddamn it really hurts when the other person seems completely okay to go without.

He found me crying and asked what was wrong and I told him everything and he seems to think we don't have a problem which blindsided me because we have been talking about this problem in therapy.

I don't know where to go from here.

He is a such an amazing partner in every other way but it has been so hard to get on the same page about sex. It didn't used to be this way but the last few years something changed and it's eating away at me more and more every day.

He took 100mg sildenafil. Still went from half to nothing in a few minutes.

I know logically I'm not supposed to take it personally but we've never had a honeymoon phase, never had regular sex I've never felt desirable. This is the end.

I am a caring, loving, supportive person but he is so unwilling to address this. I had to make the drs appointment, buy the pills, beg for therepy that he refuses. My self worth is at an all time low. I'm so utterly confused because when we were dating I felt so much chemistry and sexual tension. I have no idea what's going on because he refuses to discuss it.

I also know that he is a good, kind, genuine person so it's difficult to reconsile that this is a relationship ender, he's not doing it on purpose. Porn use is an issue he won't discuss, not because he's selfish but he obviously has deep rooted issues around sex.

I'm just devastated. This was my person. And I can't break though and understand what's going on.

Hello, ill try to make it short cause is a lo g story but pretty much this year was our 10 year wedding anniversary, we have 2 kids 9year old and 5 year old. Sex stopped about 10 months ago. Affection is non existence. And during a day, if i dont talk to her, she wouldn't talk to me at all (i already tested that hypothesis). The way sex stopped is because i was feeling like i was fuck1ng a dead body, she would close her eyes all the time and not enjoy anything, her mouth would move away from kisses too, so i told her i wont touch her again until she feels comfortable cause her body is obviously rejecting me, she didnt say anything and just put her clothes back. I finally confronted her and asked whats her problem with me, she started crying and brought up things from a decade ago... things like i left her alone during nights for the first baby while i kept sleeping, she said i was talking to my mom while she was in labour needing me next to her, she says im too immature and not man enough to be an example for our kids, she says she doesnt trust me with the kids cause i dont take anything serious. I apologized for all this and promized to make things better moving forward but she says dont be cause peopledont change dont waste your time, i suggested couples therapy but she refuses it she says she wont go saying itll be a waste of time. So right now feels like there's no solution for her but to stay angry and resentful forever. I told her i cant live like this since we are supposed to be together forever we need heal and forgive and move on, otherwise i wont be with somwone that dont wanna be with me. I ask her if she wanted to divorce she said no. So im not sure what's my next step here, its gonna be a long sad marriage if i stay, but if i leave itll crush me to have to leave my kids , especially my son is super attached to me. Is theres any silver lining to fixing this issue? Any advice from a woman here? By the way i decided to start therapy by myself but i have a feeling that it wont work at all unless she joins, but she doubled down on not joinning....

First time poster. Have been with my partner for almost 6 years. We’ve always had a very healthy sex life. About 6 months ago, it was like a switch flipped and he just stopped initiating. I have tried to initiate so many times and am usually just met with an « I’m tired, » or « can we just cuddle. » Have tried to talk with him and he just gets angry. He tells me talking about is not helping and that he’s not a spring chicken anymore (we’re both late 40’s) 🙄 or that most couples sex lives just naturally slow down over time. We’ve had sex 3 times in the past 6 months.

For context, he cheated on me a few years ago. We’ve been working on our relationship since and for all intents and purposes are happy. We have fun together, we go out, we spend a lot of quality time together. A part of me is really worried that he is cheating again and this is why we have a DB. Idk what to do. I have never felt so unattractive or rejected and unhappy. He swears up and down he loves me and is attracted to me. But I just can’t help but feel that this is more than LL. Anyone been trough this and can share their perspective? Open to all advice and suggestions. Thanks.

I’m a 21 year old woman and I’m already in a dead bedroom.. been with this man for 7 years and I’m ALREADY in a dead bedroom.
I have tried so hard tonight to get him interested in me..
I tried kissing his neck softly, I tried kissing him and he just sat there like a rock.
Then he said he didn’t want to so he LEFT THE ROOM.
And I began to yknow and that didn’t even do anything for him, I even sent him a video and dirty talked the way he claims he likes and still nothing.

I gave up, did what I had to do, and now I’m just sitting in the bathroom upset and unsatisfied but I feel like I’m not allowed to be upset about this.

What is so unattractive about me that no matter what I do he CONSTANTLY rejects me like this? He claims to like my chubby body but refuses to touch it, he claims he likes the way I dirty talk but then doesn’t react, he claims that my bedroom interests are sexy but doesn’t wanna try any of them with me.

I want to feel wanted so damn bad, and not only after I beg and try and coax it out of him.

My husband and I have been together 6 years, married for almost 3. He’s known about my sexual trauma from the very beginning; I’ve never kept it a secret. I always viewed sex as something reserved for someone you love, but then I was assaulted at 18 and it felt like my virginity and bodily autonomy was stolen from me. My mindset on sex changed to something that men expect out of you or they will take it. I’ve only had 3 sexual partners (excluding the SA, and including my husband), and for all three it felt like something I was obligated to do; and like they only wanted me for my body (I mostly felt like this when we first started dating, but the thought still comes back sometimes) Our sex life has always ebbed and flowed since the beginning of our relationship, and he supported me starting therapy and I was diagnosed with PTSD 3 years ago.

I have so many conflicting feelings and thoughts that I don’t know what to do. On one hand, I feel so guilty that I don’t fully meet his needs. We don’t have a “dead bedroom” per se, but our sex life is wildly unpredictable. Some weeks it’s multiple times a week or even multiple times a day, but then we can go nearly a month without it. If I were the only one who initiated- we probably wouldn’t have sex at all. I used to “be more adventurous”, but really I would just go along with whatever he wanted while I’d disassociate. Since starting therapy, I’ve started saying no to things I don’t want to do (per my therapist) so now our sex life is very vanilla. Sex is inherently triggering for me, and sometimes I can’t help having flashbacks during and I hate it. I want to be able to connect with my husband, but sometimes I feel so disgusted with myself afterwards.

On the other hand, I feel disgusted with the idea that sex is a “requirement” for marriage. I know if we stopped having sex indefinitely (which I don’t want nor am I planning or expecting), he probably wouldn’t be with me. It makes me feel like love for me and our life is conditional on the basis I give him my body- which again triggers the feelings that men just use me for my body. I know he loves me- but it’s hard to fully accept when I feel like it’s predicated on sex.

He doesn’t pressure me or get upset, especially after my diagnosis he’s been so much more understanding and patient because it’s something I can’t help. He helps me so much and does his own research and therapy so he can better support me and I’m so lucky to have him. But I can’t help but feel like eventually he’ll grow resentment.

So last night I asked for a divorce. Not because I don’t love him or because I don’t want to be his wife, but because I feel like he just deserves more. I have so much guilt that I can’t do more in the bedroom- I feel like I can’t fulfill him and it kills me. He flat out refused; but I feel like in 10 years he’s going to resent me. The SA happened 10 years ago and I’ve been in therapy for 3, and while some things have improved, I still struggle every day. I feel like I’ll never be healed- certainly not enough to give him what he deserves.

Should I file anyway? I don’t want to blow up my life, but I also feel like I’d rather end it while things aren’t horrible. If he left me, it would just be one more thing my rapist took from me.

I’ve tried drinking. Taking gummies. Ignoring it. Disassociating from it. Trying an emotional affair. Accepting compliments from strangers on Reddit. (Note: I’m also trying healthy things like therapy, couples therapy, reading books, initiating sex, etc.).

But, nothing is working. I feel a void in my marriage [32F + 32M] as well as my self confidence. I’m lonely all the time. I feel like shit all the time. And I have no one to talk to about it. I just want to feel desired. And to feel wanted. Is that so hard to do?

What do I do now?

I'm just looking for ideas to be honest. I've been struggling to initiate, he's been LL for almost a year now, says its his mental health and that he just doesnt have the emotional/physical bandwidth for sex. After a lot of back and forth, months of no or very little sex, lots of conversation, taking turns being upset, our latest conversation ended with him saying to just go back to normal. He said he wants me to initiate if I want it.

The last thing I want is to misread signals, make him feel pressured. So I'm looking for ideas on how to initiate. This morning he had a boner and I made a noise when I touched it accidentally, just trying to show interest. He said 'its morning wood babe', in a really flat tone. So i just moved my hand away and didn't say anything. The tone was so flat and matter of fact it just felt like he was annoyed that I'd noticed.

He said he likes lingerie, but I've lost the confidence for it. I used to wait for him to get home from work in lingerie, but its been so long i feel unappreciated, like he took it for granted. I'm not good at initiating physically, I've gotten worse at it as the dead bedroom progressed because now I'm second guessing everything he does, everything i do, whether he likes it. He sucks at communicating, but no matter how many times I've reassured him or told him to talk to me, it just hasnt improved much.

This question is directed specifically for LLF. I’d appreciate absolute honesty, good or bad, no sugar coating it here! Thank you.

Some back story:

My wife (30LLF) and I (30HLM) have been together for a little less than 3 years, married for about 1.5 years. Yes, we got married very quickly, we have reasons for that as well but I won’t go that deep. My wife had a pretty high sex drive in the past, even describing in her own words being “overly hypersexual” in the past. That was mostly before I knew her though, and early on in our relationship, I did experience the tail end of her “hypersexual-phase”. Very quickly though, our sex life took a nose dive off a cliff. In the beginning we’d average about 3-4 times a week, that turned to about once every other month, and around the time we got engaged our sex life died completely after that, now being 2 years of no sex. Two years without sex sounds like a long time as is, but also factor in the fact we’ve only been together for about 3 years, and 2 years feels even more significant.

Over that time period my wife has given me many reasons as to why, all of which seem valid to me, but I can’t help but remain skeptical at times (we’ll get into that). At first she told me it was due to stress, we got engaged because I am military and I got orders to return back to the US and I wanted her to come with me (she’s from England). The stress moving her life to another country was obviously a lot, so I sympathized with her. Then her reason evolved into “I just have libido issues due to my medication”, she takes SSRIs for ADHD and depression, and they’re notorious for messing with your libido, so that also made sense to me. We spoke with doctors, she looked for supplements that could help her libido, but to no avail. Then her reason evolved into having past SA trauma, and combined with ADHD it’s very hard for her to enjoy sex because her ADHD forces her to hyper-fixate and relive that trauma. Again, another very valid reason, and this was the first time she’s actually opened up to me about her past SA trauma which I had not even known about until this time. Now, the most recent reason she’s given me is that she’s very self conscious now, especially considering that it’s been so long since we last had sex. She says as time has gone on the pressure has accumulated more and more, and now it feels as if the expectation is so high and she’s too nervous to be a disappointment. Mind you, my wife is literally gorgeous and has no reason to be self-conscious, so it’s very hard to see her beat herself up over it.

Then the curveball. Last year I discovered that my wife was re-connecting with an old crush of her’s from back home. He reached out to her about a dozen times on instagram and she ignored him for so long, but eventually she gave in and responded back. That response got them talking on a regular basis until they were eventually texting/calling every single day, some days for 5+ hours straight. They flirted a lot, sexted a handful of times, and exchanged “I love yous”. The overall vibe of their relationship was that they were both disappointed that they never gave dating each other a shot all those years ago. He was disappointed and his vibe was “it sucks that you’re married”, whereas my wife’s vibe was “I love (my name), I don’t want to ruin our marriage over this, I just wish we could’ve had a chance together”. This emotional affair of her’s went on for 9 months, I knew about it for a while but just kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to blow things up and I was observing where it went. Eventually they cut things off after arguing, my wife blocked him and told him to never try contacting her again, and they haven’t spoken since. My wife found out that I knew about it and she had a break down, thought that I’d divorce her on the spot, but I told her “I understand unresolved feelings are complicated, I don’t hold that against you”. That was 3 months ago, and we haven’t brought it up again.

The question:

That’s the backstory, sorry it’s long, that’s actually the short version. My concern is though, despite my wife giving me very valid reasons, I can’t help but get the impression that she’s actually just trying to spare my feelings. I don’t doubt that she loves me, but I do get the impression that she is just LL4Me. Especially after witnessing the emotional affair, she seemed like a completely different person when she interacted with him. It’s made me very skeptical. I do believe she loves me, I believe she feels safe and secure with me, and I don’t believe she wants to leave. But the more I think to myself, and the more I read online, the more I feel like she just isn’t sexually attracted to me. My main question for the LLF out there… is it common to be in love with someone and want to continue your marriage/relationship with them, while simultaneously not being sexually interested in them?

My partner (28FLL4U) and I (29MHL) have been together since late 2018. We met on tinder and had mutual interests and libidos. Around late 2019, after living together for a few months, there was a significant decline. The decline was not only in frequency but also passion, interest and communication. The pandemic hit after a few months and I decided to leave the situation alone because with everything else going on I figured the best thing I could do was give her time and space.

Months after everything started opening again in 2022, I asked her about it. I asked specifically if sexual interaction with me stressed her out. She said no, and that she was recently dealing with trauma from a consensual encounter she had before me. I could not understand why or how anyone could suddenly remember that they had trauma, or why it only affected one aspect of our relationship. Especially because it was very open and honest before.

We went to couples therapy around the middle of 2022. It started with a lot of I don't knows and how can we communicate about this. I did not understand why she was against communicating with me, so I decided if she did not know that about herself I would find out and bring it to the table. I read several books by therapists and sex educators to try and understand. Come As you Are, The Joy of Sex, No More Mr. Nice Guy and The Vagina Bible were all excellent reads in helping me understand more about her and more about myself in the process.

I landed on that if I had responsibility in this, then it was my job to do everything I could to make her feel safe, comfortable and loved. I started talking about libidos in therapy and suddenly she calmed that the trauma was gone. I asked several questions about how what and why but I did not get any answer. Libido discrepancy and communication was now the focus of our couples therapy.

I was hurt, felt alone, rejected, neglected, inadequate and could not understand how anyone could suddenly change their mind on how they felt about their partner. I wasn't perfect and had my faults, like originally trying to pursue quantity and volume over passion and connection, but I didn't think I did anything deserving of that.

This went on for 2 years. More of the same lack of communication. In late 2024, she read Come As You Are, and suddenly the tone had changed. She was able to talk about sexually interacting with me positively. I had hope and asked a thousand questions on what we can do to make it more of a positive experience for her. Still got no answers, but it gave me enough hope to feed on so we left couples therapy.

We still weren't talking about it to avoid putting any pressure on her. It was getting less frequent and I started to recognize little things. If I said I was hurt, I was met with defensiveness and dismissal. Where if she said she was hurt, I gave her everything I possibly could and took full responsibility. Emotionally, financially, physically, logistically and communication were all on me.

I talked about it - how I felt as the provider and only asking for communication and understanding. I asked if I had done anything that warranted living like that, anything I didn't understand. I was met with dismissal and blame.

I talked to her dad, my dad, my friends and family to see if this was just the expectation and was met with a lot of No's. I thought about it for months and weighed every option I could. I left. I am still young(er) and have a lot of life ahead of me. I do not want to feel the way I did for the rest of my life.

I browsed these posts frequently and have seen all the advice given. It only me took me 8 years to finally take it in. I want to thank all of you. I am still grieving what there could have been but it is difficult to grieve something so one-sided. I have learned a lot and am looking forward to just being myself with my cat and my bigger apartment for a while. I'm in shape, loud and obnoxious and I know I will find someone eventually who will feel the same way about me that I do for them. There is hope. If any of you are in Colorado, I owe you a round 🍻