Hi all,

EDIT: I realise the details I included about Ben and Georgia not sharing rooms anymore + them not spending any time together came of as judgy. It's definitely not my business, I wanted to supply further context for my concerns, but have realised that particular info was unnecessary. My concern is telling one partner that you'd choose them, while the other partner doesn't know this. I would want to know this information, but this is why I asked the question, because maybe it doesn't matter/isn't the norm in poly relationships.

It's as the title says. I would appreciate some insight as I've only recently started becoming curious about polyamory and am not sure whether this is as red-flaggy as I think it is.

names have been changed for privacy

My best friend Stella (F, 30) has been dating Ben (M, 38) for about 4 months. Three months into the relationship, Ben proposed to Stella and she accepted. The problem is, Ben is already married to Georgia (F, 36) and has been for 15 years. Ben and Stella plan to get married overseas where they think it's legal (it isn't). After this, the three of them plan to move in together.

Anyway, that's actually not the main issue. Stella told me the other day that she had been feeling a bit insecure about her relationship as Ben and Georgia have obviously been together for a long time. Stella expressed her concerns to Ben - and Ben assured Stella that if it came to it, he would choose her. Stella told me that this made her feel reassured, however this left a very bad taste in my mouth. This is on the background of Ben and Georgia establishing different bedrooms and spending less time together since Ben and Stella started dating.

My main concern here is based on my assumption that in poly relationships there would be communication between Ben and Georgia about Ben's feelings towards Stella. I feel unsettled by this information being kept from Georgia, particularly as it gives the impression that her marriage is in jeopardy and she doesn't know a thing about it. It feels deceitful and honestly, a bit morally bankrupt.

As I said above, I'm new here, so would appreciate the perspective of the community before sharing any concerns with Stella.

Thank you!

I'm right around the anniversary of our definitive breakup and no contact as per his wishes. It's been a year of changes as I've become a mom. One of the reasons we broke up was the changes brought on by pursuing parenthood with my nesting partner, who wanted a parallel relationship. And breaking up was right, as I could not have given hom the relationship that he wanted under the new circumstances.

I just miss him so much right now. I would have never imagined us being estranged. I wonder how his project turned out. I wonder about his sister's kids and the friend he had who I hit it off with but never pursued an independent friendship with. I have nobody to talk to about all the memories we made over 5 years. It was truly a clean break.

He was my best friend and I hurt him. I know he has ended other relationships with no contact. But i cannot let go of the fantasy that we can reconnect again and be in each other's lives, down the line.

I know me reaching out would mean disrespecting his wishes. I won't, at least not now. How on earth can i get to a place of accepting that he might never want to talk to me again. That sad, sad conversation that we had a year ago at a train station, me 9 months pregnant, can't be the very last one.

End of moping for now.

I 36m have been with my wife 37f for 17 years. We entered the lifestyle in our 20’s “before kids” went mono for several years while our kids were younger. Opened to poly just over two years ago.

I cannot find happiness for my wife talking to a new person to the point it makes me physically sick to think about them even talking. I know we are solid in our relationship but still can’t shake the feeling of inadequacy.

I want to feel happy for her and her feel comfortable sharing her experiences with me.

I feel really pissed off and possessive.

My wife asked to open the marriage and within like two months was flying out to have basically barrier-less sex with another man. It's taken some time to get passes the jealousy but whatever.

Recently, she discovered that after this LD meta representing he was divorced; turns out he's not!

I should feel glad - I was pissed this relationship became anything beyond CNM (and it did, I selfishly went snooping) and it serves my wife right for running head first into NRE with not enough vetting. And yet, I feel really mad at him and sorry for her.

Again, why? I feel like all the complaints I had about her moving too fast are completely vindicated but my body won't savor the moment. Any help?

I’ve been poly for a few years now and couldn’t be happier. I feel like I have arrived and I’m thriving and my life is just where it’s supposed to be.

Unfortunately the journey has resulted in me losing more than a few friends. Most of the friends I made were during a hetero-monogamous marriage. Some knew I am bi but I guess it didn’t count because I was monogamously married to a man at the time? To them, being with other people of any gender was a part of the “wild oats” chapter of my past that we only talk about once a year while drunk on New Year’s Eve. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I thought they were all so liberal and open minded. When I got divorced I lost some of them. The divorce had nothing to do with polyamory. He was abusive and that’s a different post, but apparently divorce for any reason makes people uncomfortable. They didn’t SEE the reason and so they don’t think I tried hard enough or something. I was with him for 20 years people, c’mon! Ok, I digress.

Anyway, I was always philosophically polyamorous. We didn’t have the word for it back then, but once I was no longer in a monogamous relationship, I went back to my default settings 🤓 and started practicing polyamory.

I was surprised how uncomfortable it made many of them feel. One tries but struggles. Another just doesn’t want to talk about any of my partners. Another just flat out admitted that none of my relationships can possibly be serious and thinks the whole thing is ridiculous. That one really fucking hurt. Especially since I’m getting remarried.

These were my closest friends and now interactions have become stilted. I have a fiancé now and I’m so excited to marry him but my wedding guest list keeps shrinking.

I want friends that I can gush to about my latest crushes. I want friends I can talk to about my hilarious metamour. I want friends that will hold me as I sob through a breakup and don’t dismiss it because I “still have X person and what’s the big deal.”

I want friends who can come over for game nights and not balk when my fiance cuddles on the couch with this girlfriend or I bring a date to my own game night.

And yes I have tried finding friends on the apps but I have been unsuccessful thus far. Poly is still a small pool and most poly people I meet want to date me. That is NOT a statement about how awesome I am. Just the facts. But I don’t want to play board games with a bunch of exes. I know some people can make that transition from dating people to just friends but I don’t. The FWB scene is not for me.

And so here I am. A nerd in NJ kinda lonely for friends who get it. Want to come to my wedding lol?

Tl;dr - my best friend is relatively new to poly and is taking sexual health risks - should I tell her what I think about it?

My best friend who has been in a monogamous marriage for 10 years has opened her relationship last year. She initially wanted to have an affair but I convinced her to be honest with her husband because knowing him I believed he could handle the truth.
Over the course of several careful conversations she revealed to her husband that she has a crush on another couple and wants an open relationship. He accepted it. She also told him that she's fine with him exploring other relationships but doesn't really want to know about them.

This is not the type of polyamory/open relationship I'd prefer and I feel like don't ask don't tell can easily backfire, but it's also not my relationship and I don't want to give advice where it's not wanted nor needed.

Unfortunately, the couple she's dating had some STI risks recently. My friend freaked out and came to me for comfort - I tried my best to give her accurate information about testing and actual dangers associated with certain infections without being judgemental. When I asked if she uses protection with the couple she said she doesn't because "they're not sleeping with anyone else".
She's also set on not telling her husband about this situation, because she hasn't directly told him the nature of her relationship with the couple is sexual.

I'm trying to be accepting and non-judgemental but this really bothers me and I feel like she's putting her husband at risk without his knowledge or consent.

My friend is very sensitive and has a lot of internalized shame about the topic, so I'm afraid that bringing it up will result in her shutting down completely.

Should I bring my concerns up? If yes then in what way?

My little omelettes,

We made it to the funny sex number. Can I get some "nice"s in the twitch chat?

A little sick over here, but damn happy its Friday and that I get to hang out with some of my favorite people. Some ya'll though... better watch yourself... >:O

My last week was fun and tiring. My GF came to visit, we hung out lots, we sinned a ton, we ate good food, we got some metas-meeting action on and they basically loved each other, pretty sick stuff going on in the PM_CGR front. My life is dope, and I do dope shit.

It's the subreddit's (un)official Friday vibe thread! Let's break out the cheese, do some hand stuff to one another, lay your offerings at my feet that I might bless you with but a crumb of my attention, and let's get weird with it.

-------------------------------------

Rat Union Question(s) of the Week:

• What's your metas-meeting feel good story, or, what is your metas-meeting horror story?
• You look cute today (not a question)
• What type of sinning have you never gotten around to trying, but want to?
• And, as always, you may treat these as my personal office hours if you have any questions for your fearless leader directly. ❤️

-------------------------------------

Schmoovin',

PM_CGR

Title says it, I'm feeling pretty pissed about this. My partner (we'll call Meatball) and their "partner" (we'll call Nyquil) have been seeing each other for about 4 months. Meatballs has been head over heels for Nyquil since they met. Absolute whirlwind romance. Meatball was talking to Nyquil everyday and was always there to take care of their emergencies, and just nonstop texting as well as. By every metric you can think of, it looked like a relationship. Kissing, sex, I love yous, dates, the whole thing. They even talked about moving in together, which I shut down because I don't want to live with my metas. The thing is, Nyquil was not comfortable putting a label on their relationship because of something related to their past trauma, I wasn't going to ask. Well, Nyquil met someone new. They have been seeing them for a week, and they told Meatball that they were "never romantically interested" in them. What. The. Fuck. You mean to tell me that you were crying to Meatball about how you were scared they would leave because of an STI scare? You were baby talking them on our couch, talking about how you guys are "basically the same person"? And that was all in the name of? A platonic relationship? Gtfo of here. I should have kept my mouth shut but I couldn't. I told Meatball that Nyquil is not welcome at the house anymore and I absolutely will not have anything to do with them, and that it seems like they have been led on. There's many other smaller details as well that I'm not going to include, but I'm pissed. How could someone not even give my partner the decency of a proper break up and instead just gaslight them? Meatball is so wonderful and passionate about people, and I hate seeing them being treated like this.

Context -

• I, late-20s NB - partner of 1.5 years with
• "Artichoke", early-30s F/NB - also partner of 6 years with
• "Barley", early-30s NB - also partner of 3 years with
• "Carrot", early-30s M/NB

Artichoke, Barley, and Carrot live together and have some significant long-term life plans together. I am KTP with Barley and Carrot and overall think they are cool and good people. (Side note here- I do not want the kind of significant long-term life plans with Artichoke that they all have together, at least not at this point, and genuinely really want their whole situation to work out well!)

However the three of them have been having tension/conflict for a while over various things, largely related to Carrot's mental health issues but also some significant ongoing house/chores and communication stuff. I'm starting to feel concerned about Artichoke's wellbeing and future in this situation.

I have a lot of feelings about the situation and thoughts that I want to tell Artichoke, but I know it's not directly my problem/business. (Although it kind of becomes my problem when Artichoke suddenly asks to stay over at my house because things are so bad at theirs...?) I'm trying to figure out where the line is in terms of what I say to Artichoke, since I know their relationship with Barley isn't my business and they're an adult who can handle their own shit. But if Artichoke was a friend I would have lots to say about the situation, yknow? It's just hard to not say much while watching Artichoke be (as I perceive it) put under significant stress by Barley & Carrot.

Also, a particular factor at work here is that Artichoke has already had to sorta start their life over once before after a long bad relationship & housing situation. So they really don't want to go through that again, and I'm nervous that they will put up with way more than they should in order to avoid that here.

Any advice on where to draw the line on what to say or not say? I know my I'm not giving much specifics on the situation so may be hard to give advice but would love any thoughts. TIA!

Background: I have been poly for 2.5 years and I date with the intention of pursuing long term relationships. Now I have two partners of 6 and 2.5 years.

So my(31F) girlfriend A***(34F) of 1.5 years broke up with me today and it is another straw of making me question some things about polyamory.

So one of her other partners broke up with her a few weeks ago in such a horrible way and this led to her freaking out and breaking up with all of her other partners except the one she lives with(for now). With her breaking up with me there wasn't any yelling, zero threats of violence or suicide. None of that, just talking and crying. She told me I didn't do anything wrong. We never lied to each other, we never fought with each other. We both found each other pretty, we both found each other interesting. She said I did nothing wrong at all. She just didn't love me in the same long term way that I love her. Things were left pretty open doors between us. We are still friends, we still care about each other, we still love each other in ways(her words). Part of me thinks she is going to change her mind when she stops feeling so hurt by her being broken up with.

This isn't the first time a relationship has ended while being polyamorous, but it is the first more substantial relationship that has ended. It stings, badly. In fact all of them have hurt.

Like, am I doing poly wrong? I don't feel like I am. I'm attractive, I'm successful, I do things that are widely considered interesting, I date with purpose and good intentions.

It is just hard dealing with people I care about coming in and out of my life. I am someone who doesn't stop feeling love for people.

How do you handle being around people who you really like, but with the knowledge that they probably aren't going to be there for you long term?

This is sort of both a happy post, a vent, and an ask for solutions others have come up with, whether those were mindset shifts or changes in action!

I have two currently parallel partners who both want to see almost all of the same movies in theaters, which is awesome. I love going to the movies, I love talking about movies, I love people who love movies. One day, the two of them may meet, may become friends, and maybe we will all go see movies together, metas included, but MAYBE NOT 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s an option but not a requirement. Either way, it’s not the situation now and there are so many movies to see 😭

To any other poly folks with more than one partner who likes going to the movie theater: what sort of planning and mindset has helped you feel like you’re able to show up for multiple people as well as get your movie needs met?

I know there’s no easy answer outside of figuring out what I want, chatting to each partner about what they want, and seeing what we can do, but it’d be nice to hear y’alls stories and methods, if even just for assurance that others are out there successfully problem solving the same thing.

I hope this post is ok, I tried searching for this topic and didn't find anything related!

Husband and I have been poly since before we got together. I don't currently have a partner because I'm recovering from being a school teacher (aka having no personal life and in a toxic career field). Husband has a girlfriend a couple hours drive away who has known him since high school but is still newish to poly. She has 2 kids, adult and teen. Girlfriend and I get along fantastic. Kids all like and/or adore each other and parents.

I have 2 kids - one adult teen from previous marriage who still lives at home 50% and a 6yo. Youngest is child of my current husband.

If it matters... I am 44 NB, Husband is 41m, girlfriend is 40f.

We don't see them more than about once or twice a month, sometimes longer.

I started homeschooling the youngest this year for a variety of reasons, poly not one of them. I have a fantastic homeschool co-op we're involved in that us secular and open minded, so far as I've found. I am out to one other mom who has been amazingly accepting and friendly. I'm cautious about coming out to any others just because I don't know how they would react and I'm in the group for my youngest.

I have offered to homeschool husband's GF's youngest, and we (3 adults) have all played with the idea of co-living. Her youngest asked me if I could homeschool her (don't want to get into personal reasons). If we were to have a living situation I would kind of "out" myself to the co-op. My biggest concern is any backlash the kids might get (my youngest and GFs youngest). At the same time, I think the co-op would also be a good fit for the teen if we do homeschool her too.

We'll probably be discussing it when we go to visit this weekend and I'm sure we'll figure it out without advice; honestly I'm just wondering if there are other poly families that homeschool and how you handle co-ops and social interactions in homeschool related activities.

Since I've been home and not working full time I've been feeling more isolated than I thought I would getting into homeschooling - I can't easily talk to poly friends and families without my 6yo listening in these days, unless I do it via chat/email. It's not a secret to any of our kids, but I want our 6yo to notice the relationship dynamic organically, if that makes sense, and answer questions as they come up. That's how we've handled it with the rest of the kids, too.

J'aimerais avoir vos avis sur un cadeau très personnel.

Si quelqu'un avec qui vous entretenez une relation polyamoureuse depuis plusieurs mois vous offrait un livre qu'il a entièrement écrit pour vous, racontant des souvenirs partagés, ce qu'il aime chez vous et les sentiments que vous lui inspirez, comment le vivriez-vous ?

L'intention serait simplement de partager une partie de son cœur, sans attente particulière ni demande d'engagement supplémentaire.

Est-ce que vous trouveriez cela touchant, ou est-ce que l'intensité d'un tel cadeau pourrait vous intimider, voire vous faire peur ?

Je suis intéressé par vos ressentis, y compris si vous avez déjà vécu quelque chose de similaire.

Things are escalating and I don't know what to feel

My nesting partner has always been respectful in all aspects. We've been together for 3 years and poly since the beggining. She's had several casual fwb relationships over the years but has has always communicated she ideally wants another longer term partner.

Recently shes been talking and hanging with his guy and she admitted to me last night that they haven't even been intimate but the relationship is getting deeper on an emotional level and she is recognizing she has feelings for him. This is alot as she doesnt associate sex with love so I know this is deep. She plans on talking to him about these feelings when she feels comfortable and safe with him and seeing where things go with it. From what she has told me the feeling seems mutual.

I guess this post is to vent and say that I'm feeling really weird and I don't really know how to feel and my mind has a lot of what ifs on how our relationship may shift if this becomes a thing. Im not scared to lose her but change is scary, I feel as I've been comfortable with her only having casual hookups where my mind never thought this day would come and now its here. With her fwb she would only see them so often, with this guy even where they are now without talking about where the feelings may progress she says she is open to diving in and seeing where things go, of course while respecting my needs. That's another thing.. I feel guilty for expressing my needs now that she has feelings. I dont want to hold her back but thats probably room for disaster if I just let her do whatever and not commuinicate. She says she recognizes the NRE and believes she is very logical in handling it which I believe from just her personality alone but will need to see happen in real time.

Ive seen nothing but green flags if this feeling does progress but it's definitely a new feeling for both of us to have and I just want to know better ways to navigate it so it doesn't become unhealthy. Im good at sabbatoging. Ive had alot of comparison moments and jealousy in the past with her fwb, Im definitely an over communicater and analyzer in our relationship and with her fwb we went through alot of ups and downs trying to find out what boundaries worked best for us. It's gotten way healthier on my end but I just wanna work towards success and not end up in a bad place. Thanks for listening.

Hi folks, this is my first time posting here and I just wanted to share some thoughts and experiences with everyone! (Apologies if my formats weird I'm on mobile)

Where to even start? I would consider myself ENM, but my partner and I are polyamorous and have been for 4 years now. He's got another partner besides me, I'm happy for the both of them and he's been a pretty good meta. I do however, call myself ENM just because developing romantic feelings in general is a pretty rare occurrence for me, but I'm definitely not opposed to such. It just feels easier to date without initial intentions of romance first because I NEEEEED friendship first.

Speaking of dating, WHY IS IT SO HARD?! 😭 I'd say I'm a people person but I've noticed dating under this context makes me so flustered!!! I definitely believe in faking it til you make it, but I think people think I'm more confident than I am lol. I just feel so shy sometimes and it's overwhelming, my main go-to is to try dating in the spring and summer and shut it down sometime in the fall. Its been working well so far!

Right now I have my nesting partner and I met someone real cool this past summer! Both relationships are solid and I'm very happy with them, hoping for longevity with both persons whether friendship or more❤️

I don't have too many people I can talk to about my relationship experiences and I'm already a someone who has difficulty expressing themselves from time to time so whole post is just a little exercise in putting myself out there and expressing myself more so please be kind if you comment 🙏

I had a conversation with a friend the other day, and I’m pretty open with her, you know? So we started talking, and I told her that I’d like to be in a polyamorous relationship. She took it pretty well, so the conversation continued. To make a long story short, we talked about it for a while, and something she said got me thinking.

Basically, she told me that since I didn’t really receive that much love as a little girl, it would make sense for me to be interested in polyamory, leaving the sexual aspect out of it. Like, being in a relationship where multiple people love me and I love them back. She thinks that’s the reason I can see myself in that kind of relationship.

And honestly, I don’t really know what to think about it. I wouldn’t be uncomfortable with being in a polyamorous relationship, but at the same time, I’ve never been in a relationship before, even though I’m (20F). So I don’t know if that might have something to do with it, too.

Hi all

My partner of 12 years and I decided to try being Poly.

We had an open relationship 5 or 6 years ago for around about a year. Focusing only on having sex with other people. It was semi successful. We both had good and bad times. I will admit I struggled alot with jealousy. Probably due to my own insecurities about myself. But work and life stress got in the way so we decided to put it on pause.

This time we decided to build connections with the end goal of us both having at least one other relationship. So far its going great.

Our relationship now is solid as rock. Any concern we have can easily be discussed with no worries. We have had maybe 4 or 5 real arguments the entire time we've been together.

But I still sometimes get a small pang of jealousy when she goes on a date. Its not everytime. And I talk myself out of it pretty quickly. I want her to have fun and meet new people.

Is this small fleeting feeling of jealousy okay to have in the world of poly? Am I overthinking it?

So i m still "kinda" new into polyamory topics/themes, i've identified as ambiamorous (being alr w both: mono and poly)

few months ago ive posted post where ive described some of my questionings/struggles w imaging myself in poly relationship - and i m not sure how did u guys reacted on it (cause i struggle to see if comments were mad at me or they were calm while writing those comments), but if any of you were mad at me, i m sorry /gen

so i did a bit of questioning again and found out about term "closed poly" which should mean that there is some "group" of people that are only dating people in that group and not other people outside of that group, and i think that term might suits me

to give bit more of context: in that old post ive mentioned i would be interested into poly relationship but would struggle w jelaousy/discomfort(?) w my partner(s) having partner(s) outside of our relationship, and i m not sure if i remember correctly but i think someone in comments told me thats what is polyamory about - aka having relationships/partner(s) outside of your other relationships/partner(s) , which firstly/i mostly tought that main point of poly is "just/atleast" dating more then one person (w consent obvi/w all people knowing and agreeing on it)

so my question is: am i valid as ambi, even when i m/would probably be only comfy w being in closed poly relationship?

And last thing i probably wanna add is: that i dont want/i would never wanted to "limit" my partner(s) or forbid them X and Y, and i would like to work more on my struggles w jelaousy and that feeling of discomfort of imaging my partner(s) having other partner(s) outside of our "established group", i just think best thing for me (idk if forever or atleast for now, is being only in closed poly relationship - ofc if those other people would agree/be fine being w me and others in closed poly relationship)

EDIT: just found out that term for this should be Polyfidelitous

Hinge and my meta have gotten much closer together in the month since I last visited (I am LD, they are not) and are now primary partners. Meta also started a new job and has been needing lots of care and attention in their hard time, which I understand.

I'm struggling with losing one-on-one time with hinge though. We've had an agreement that we video call once a week when I'm not visiting and he's been unable to for 2 weeks. I've been visiting for a week now and 3 nights he's been away at meta's place, 1 night meta visited us at hinge's apartment (as had been previously agreed).

I've been discussing everything with hinge when he's been spending time with me and he's very apologetic. He can't be in two places at once and he's struggling with a lot of things himself at the moment.

I've been invited to visit meta's apartment for the first time and stay the night tomorrow before I leave back home. She's a nice person and I have nothing personal against her, but I don't know, I'm much less excited about the visit than I would have been a week ago.

I'm really happy for them and want them to support each other, but I don't want to be alone away from home. I don't want to go back home and feel more alone than I already sometimes do.

Hello all! My name is Jax and I am not new to polyamory, but I am newer to doing it in a healthier way for all parties involved.

My partner, who we will call Optimus Prime, and I have been dating for almost 2 years at this point. We have both expressed a desire for KTP and meeting each other’s partners.

With his last relationship, I felt we rushed into meeting. The relationship was not established and ended up dissolving within two weeks after meeting.

Meeting my former meta (Megatron) in this instance did not quell my anxieties surrounding this person. Later, my fears ended up being justified as Megatron was trying to cowgirl. Optimus Prime ended his relationship with Megatron after about a month of seeing each other.

This was about two months ago.

Fast forward to now and I am seeing a new person who we will call Bumblebee.

Bumblebee and I have been seeing each other for the last six weeks. We have gone on four dates (mostly due to scheduling conflicts and travel) and are going to see each other again when she gets back from her trip.

Optimus Prime has expressed interest in meeting Bumblebee, which I definitely do want to happen! I think they’d get along well.

However, I am not sure when would be appropriate for them to get acquainted. Bumblebee and I still very much feel like we are in the beginning stages of our relationship. We have not even officially agreed to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend.

Because of this (as well as the last meeting not going as well as I expected) I am finding myself wanting to wait a bit longer before they meet.

My question is: how did you know it was the right time to introduce your partners?

I’ve seen some folks say they introduce them to each other right away, while others have said they wait 6 months to be sure the relationship is established first.

I guess I’m seeking opinions from other poly folks and what questions they’re asking themselves to know when it’s appropriate.

Thanks in advance!!

My gf (Paige) and I have been together for 4 years, we've both known we're polyam from the get go.

Paige has been dating someone (Celeste) for around a year and a half and she's nice, we're friends, and Celeste brought over her gf (Silver), who I hit it off with.

There was some flirting from Silver's end and I was down with it, and we're due to meet up on Saturday to watch stuff together, but I have been having a slight thought in the back of my head that this could be messy, given her dating my meta.

Thoughts?

EDIT: Yeah I'd rather have a great friend instead of any possible problems going forwards. I am pretty sure she's into me, given a joke about going on a date, and I think she's dope, but I'm gonna just be happy I've made a cool new friend

Yesterday I was looking for a notepad and I read something that was not meant for me to read that my partner had written. It was written in a notepad that was in a pile of other notepads- think like grocery list type of notepads/little notebooks, not where we have diaries or journals, in a mutual drawer of household goods. When I saw my partner had written a couple pages in it that was not obviously a grocery list or a little note meant for me like we often have on our other notepads. I knew I should close it and put it away and respect my partner’s privacy. I read the two small pages of writing despite everything in my head telling me to stop. I immediately messaged my partner ( we live together, but they were out of town), and told them had happen. I took full accountability for betraying their trust and reading something personal that I had no right to read. I told them that I was feeling hurt by what I had read but that it is a no their fault because it was not information that was ever meant for me. I expected my partner to be upset but they were appreciative that I told them about it and knew me finding the writing was not intentional- but that they shouldn’t have to hide something for me to respect their privacy. And I completely agree- what I did was a complete betrayal of trust. They were feeling bad that I was hurting and said they could not remember what had been written.

I truly wish I had never read it. From the contents of what had been written, I know it was from at least eight months ago. It was what they had written about another partner who they are no longer with solely due to circumstance (we moved to another country). If it wasn’t for that move they would likely be together still. The note was about how this partner made everything in their life have meaning and basically about how all consuming and intense their love was.

I knew my partner loved her. I am happy that they lived this intense of a love. I feel horrible but I can’t help but compare (the worst thing you could possibly do in polyamory). I know I shouldn’t be comparing. I know them having this love for this person doesn’t mean that they love me any less. It’s so hard though to think about what our love means to my partner if this other person ‘gave meaning to everything’.
Last year was a very hard year for us. Lately we have been in a good place- I feel so much sweetness and care and warmth in our relationship. Our sex life though has been feeling off overall but with so many changes- moving to another country, finding jobs, leaving the last place we lived behind- I thought it could be contributed to those things. Last week was the first time in the entire entirety of our relationship that sex felt genuinely awkward and like nothing was clicking. Just a complete disconnect. Also, in the past year, from there side there has been way less professions of love- not the same love letter, poetry, starry eyes confessions there used to be. Now it all feels way more one-sided.

I had already been thinking about all of these things- then reading the letter made me overthink all of this and compare it to the intensity that we used to have and the intensity that they had with their other partner. I know they still love me. I love the sweet warm love we have. How do I stop comparing to the past and to their other relationships?

My (29M) person (28F) cut me out of her life a week ago, so this isn't a new thing but I suppose it's part of my grieving/resolution process.

You can check my post history for a longer description of our dynamic, but the TLDR is that we were on holiday over the summer and when we were going to bed, she rolled over and phoned the other person in her life.

It was a pretty intimate (emotionally,at least) conversation and lasted about 40 minutes. It was my first exposure to their dynamic with another person and it happened as 1am when we were snuggling in bed.

It made me cry, and in the morning we spoke about it and I said how much it hurt me. How I felt so shocked that they'd think it was a normal thing to do, that I'd be okay with it. They got really offended saying how dare I say that, we'd never established a boundary like that, and how could they possibly have known it wouldn't be okay?

I didn't really know what to say. A) because I had set a 'I don't want to talk about this person whilst we're on holiday' boundary. B) because to me it seemed totally obvious.

I'm new to polyamory and she isn't. Am I wrong? Would that be considered a normal thing in the poly community or did she cross a line? Lying in bed with me, on an overseas holiday, saying 'I miss you so much I can't wait to be home with you' to someone else felt so obviously not okay to me, but maybe I'm in the wrong here.