I have too many goddamn keys. Keys to my husband and partner's house. Keys to my boyfriend's apartment (building and unit). Keys to my and my partner's shared car. Keys to my car. Keys to my building and apartment unit and mailbox. My purse weighs 300000 lbs. Please send help. I'm old and my shoulders hurt.

To my understanding, "unicorn" was once used as a term to mock couples fetishizing bi/pan people and looking for a perfect person who is into both people in the couple, usually a bisexual woman. The term unicorn hunter was coined because these couples were looking for something that was extremely hard to find/doesn't exist.

However, the more time I spend on dating apps, the more I see couples proudly writing "looking for our 🦄". Girl, isn't that a term to make fun of you and your unrealistic expectations?? As a bisexual woman myself, I've been bombarded by couples thinking I could be ✨️the one✨️ and it just makes me feel so icky. Bi/pan people aren't playthings to spice up your bedroom; we're whole people who want to be treated as such in a relationship!

Have I just totally misunderstood the term? Or has it been co-opted by people who don't know it was coined to mock them?

I wanted to make a happy post about my polyamorous partner. I'd say for myself I'm solo poly, saturated at one, so that's fine to me.

I had a pretty bad first polyam experience. If the posts are public on my profile you should be able to find an extremely long post about it.

After that disaster, my current partner is like a night and day experience. My current partner (lets call them Birch) and I have been together only for roughly 5 months. One thing I love about him is that treats his relationships the same as his friendships but with a lil extra. He is always hanging out with his various friends on their days doing different stuff. I love that he actually takes care and loves his friends. We have our day that we hang out and he makes that time and space for me. It honestly makes me feel like when he does get another partner, I won't be jealous because it'll be the same thing spending time with me or any of his other friends.

If I need something, I just ask and he does his best to deliver, and he's never disappointed me. If there's something I want to do, he will do his best to make it happen. He really goes the extra mile just to make me happy and never makes me feel ashamed about my weirdness. He is always on time and if there is an interruption he communicates that. In terms of intimacy he always reminds me about safety and to communicate if anything needs to be changed or stopped at any point. He's already mentioned me to his friends and his family. I've told my friends about him and they agree it's like a night and day different from my previous relationship til now. We've had one hiccup but love was never taken away from me and he still cared for me even though I made a mistake, and it was something we could learn and grow from.

We don't plan on living together and we spend time once, maybe twice a week, and that's honestly enough for me. I remember when we first met he said that he wants to be the exemplary of relationships, and I truly believe that. I never knew I could find someone so loving and so caring in their efforts, actions, and emotional maturity. He's really shown me that I dont have to be afraid to have needs and be treated like a person that he gives love to freely and unconditionally.

This is extremely abbreviated recap of this year after 15 years of a relationship.

Tl;dr - I moved out after my partner of 15 years repeatedly made clear that he would not/could not choose or prioritize me equally to a new partner that was extremely unstable, manipulative and narcissistic. A month after I moved out he let her end their relationship and began communicating his remorse and desire to repair our relationship. I don't know what I'm looking for, but I feel awful that I can't believe that I would be treated the way I want and deserve by him if we tried again. Trust was completely obliterated and I feel like an absolute failure for not being enough for him to proactively leave her abuse to repair our relationship. Does the duress of their relationship excuse/explain his neglect?

________

Hinge and I had a 15 year relationship, 8+ years open/enm, living together for most of that time. He met someone in December, started dating her in January.

By the end of February he had completely changed his style of dress, speech & texting. He spent 5+ hours with her every day (no exaggeration) and stopped making plans with me "in case" she was available and stopped informing me of when he'd be home or not overnight. In this time she repeatedly told him she didn't feel comfortable in an poly-relationship, I comforted him and encouraged him to listen to her and let her go but they persisted.

In March he declared that we would no longer be sexual with me because she was uncomfortable with us. I told him repeatedly that I did not want a relationship that wasn't whole and I suggested couples counselling, which he declined because he "wasn't able".

In April nothing had changed, and I let him know I would have to leave in July if things continued with the neglect and lack of consideration/prioritization of our life. In June I told him I couldn't be his partner any longer if he was going to be with someone that clearly didn't respect me or our life. He said that was probably for the best for him to "figure things out" and in July I moved out.

The two of them continued, and she was progressively more emotionally abusive and manipulative. He withdrew not only from me but from his friends, his family, his hobbies, his work and seemed to have a complete personality shift. I tried to make my concern known, I rallied his friends to try to intervene - it was a month after I moved out before he acquiesced to her breaking up with him.

I feel awful, because now he wants to reconcile and recover to be with me - "the love of (his) life". I know he was being mistreated, I know narcissist are powerfully manipulative, but I also have to hold him accountable for his actions. The worst of it is that through all of it my feelings towards him did change, I spent several months learning how to be alone, and self reliant and adjusting to his absence before I ever moved, and he didn't seem to notice. I don't feel any desire because I feel so discarded and insignificant after all of it. I also feel ridiculous because I still love him, and I miss him, but I don't feel safe enough to trust him and go back to "try again". How much, if any, does the mistreatment he experienced account for the way he treated me?

I just joined the sub, and already skimming a bit, this seems like a really sweet place! I read the rules and some of the consensus stuff, but I wanted to ask the opinions of the crowd (IE the people who talk here) to know if this place is safe to discuss my relationship with my partners! I've been openly ambiamorous with my girlfriend of about 2 years (me being an MtF20yr and her being F18) and her and I also have separate partners, ones whom we often talk about but don't "share". And honestly just wanted somewhere to find discussion and a place to feel comfortable discussing that!

New to posting in general (I'm a lurker) and first post here.

Jumping right in. My wife (F34) and I (M25) have been together 6 1/2 years married for 5 on Halloween and have had one of the most respectful and loving partnerships I have ever seen and we have a lot of regular discussions about communication and things to keep everything running smoothly and it works really well for us. We never had any interest in poly before as 2 happily married hetero mono until recently.

About 3 1/2 months ago, our married best friends were over (M25 and F28) and we partied a little hard. We've (mostly us two guys) have made a good handful of group sex jokes over the years but never really expected to do it. Well we got really drunk that night and wound up swapping partners and making out before things escalated and we all moved to the bedroom and played around (no actual sex, mostly just hand stuff) and we all had a pretty good time. We all discussed over the next couple of days and decided that we wanted to try group dating and see where it went.

Fast forward to now and I feel like a crazy person. I really like seeing and hearing about my wife with our male partner but I've also been having feelings that don't conform and I'm struggling to push them out. They have a pretty solid dynamic going on despite the fact that he's probably the most emotionally stunted person I know and my wife is incredible in reassuring me when I can't talk myself down, so I know that my fears are not super grounded in reality. (All of these feelings also come with the knowledge that she's not 100% into this and is just seeing where it goes cause we're having fun, which is the same as me)

My question for all of you is, outside of having the 1000th conversation with my wife in 2 weeks, how do I deal with these feelings? Male partner seems to be moving really quickly in his feelings which is normal for him (best friend for 10 years and all that) but that combined with "firsts" of new experiences has been kinda getting to me and I was hoping someone here would have some advice or that just getting it all out to someone not involved would help alleviate some of the internal strife.

Anyways, thanks in advance for any replies and also just for reading:)

Edit to add: I know the age gap is strange to a lot of people and has the potential to be abusive/controlling. However, we have a very healthy relationship between the two of us. I pursued her and she shrugged me off for a good while because I was too young, but we sat and had a lot of long talks about it and have done not only a lot of research on how to make a gap like this ethical but also shes been very happy to let me lead conversations and decisions so as not to steamroll me and invalidate my feelings/experiences because "you're young" and this is genuinely the most equal and respectful relationship I've been in. If we could please leave that part out it would be greatly appreciated

Spoiler: I could not.

Some of you may remember Alfalfa, my lovely partner (if abysmal hinge), and Broccoli, their spouse (and my supposed friend) who was struggling with polyamory. This somewhat serves as an update to my previous post: Can polyamory work when one partner’s distress (i.e., the hinge's response to it) keeps indirectly limiting another relationship?.

Well, I ended it. I'm pretty damned devastated. I loved Alfalfa more deeply than I've ever loved anyone. Our relationship was extraordinary; unfortunately, it was also unsustainable.

And the worst part? I saw the red flags! Highly enmeshed married couple? Check. Newish to poly (though not ENM, to be fair)? Check. Friendship with meta and KTP practically mandatory? Check. Plus a few more, to be sure.

But we were smart! Emotionally sophisticated! Excellent communicators! Surely we could overcome all that with empathy and superior problem-solving skills.

Uh, yeah, no.

Some lessons to follow, in case anyone would prefer to skip the practical component of this particular educational experience.

1. Ask what autonomy actually looks like. But believe the evidence, not words.

Alfalfa loved me deeply and genuinely wanted an independent relationship. But wanting something and being able to deliver it are different things. Can your partner make and keep plans independently? Protect dates and overnights? Make independent decisions about intimacy? Maintain agreements with you when their spouse is distressed?

Our relationship was perpetually subject to Broccoli's frequently intense and urgent feelings of distress. Dates, affection, communication, sexual intimacy, activity choices… nothing was reliably ours. Even outdoor walks and cooking fish became contentious because those were activities Broccoli did with Alfalfa. Apparently Broccoli had called dibs on nature. And salmon.

I kept investing energy into our promised future instead of evaluating our present reality.

And while I'm furious with Broccoli for their demands, difficulty with self-regulation, emotional coercion, and how they treated our friendship, Alfalfa was ultimately responsible for the commitments they made and failed to keep.

2. State your needs. Then enforce your boundaries.

I needed (very reasonably, I think) predictable time, privacy, autonomy over how our relationship developed, transparency around any constraints that Alfalfa was enforcing, and agreements that actually held. I communicated all of that, repeatedly, so repeatedly. With considerable empathy and some frankly impressive emotional and logical contortionism.

What I didn't do effectively (at least to start) was decide what I would do when my needs weren't met. I wish I'd established earlier what meaningful change would look like, how long I'd wait, and what I'd do if it didn't happen.

A boundary isn't just an exceptionally well-articulated request. Go figure!

3. Your metamour's feelings are valid. Their demands aren't necessarily reasonable.

Broccoli's distress was real. So was mine.

But Broccoli's distress seemed to necessitate Alfalfa changing my relationship, while mine apparently meant I needed better coping skills in response to the changes (per Broccoli, as directly communicated to me).

Broccoli was absolutely entitled to decide polyamory wasn't for them. Monogamy or another flavour of ENM are perfectly respectable choices! What's not respectable is declaring support for an independent relationship while actively working to undermine it. And, after more than a decade of enjoying nonmonogamy for themselves, I would have hoped for a little more recognition of the double standard.

4. Don't accept compulsory friendship as the price of admission.

I felt pressure from both Alfalfa and Broccoli to form a friendship with Broccoli. I unwisely agreed and genuinely came to care about Broccoli.

Meanwhile, Broccoli was privately and constantly asking Alfalfa to make our relationship smaller while telling me they supported us and would never try to control my experience, which is a pretty shitty way to treat a friend.

Friendship should be freely chosen, not a condition of dating anyone. I knew this, though I apparently needed to conduct further research.

5. Being understanding is not an Olympic sport. You do not get extra points for endurance.

I was patient; I empathized; I accommodated; I proposed solutions; I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt; I was, humbly, a fucking delight to negotiate with.

And my relationship kept shrinking. At some point, patience stops being a virtue and becomes an elaborate way of avoiding a decision you don't want to make. You don't get a medal for it.

6. Sometimes the breakup tells you what the relationship was costing you.

I'm devastated. I miss Alfalfa terribly. I love them and I still fantasize about us somehow making it work. But the anxiety I've carried for months has largely disappeared. I'm sad as fuck, but I'm no longer bracing myself for the next crisis, restriction, or amended plan.

So there you have it. Over year of extraordinary love and connection, increasingly absurd restrictions, and proof that recognizing red flags doesn't make you immune to them. How rude to discover. Turns out the conventional wisdom exists for a reason... who knew? (Besides nearly everyone in this sub.)

I welcome others' musings or learnings or reflections on becoming involved in highly enmeshed folks. Or questions for me/ my experience if you think I can help you avoid a similar trainwreck.

My husband started dating again after ~3 years of not seeking connections. That transition hasn’t gone super smoothly, which is contributing to things here, I’ll admit.

I am still saturated and not up for other connections, casual or otherwise. I recognize it’s burnout from a lot of demands on my time feeling like I don’t have the emotional or calendar room. I’m in therapy, and feel good about my progress. I’ll date again too and still want poly/enm.

The concern:

Husband is newly seeing meta. It’s been about a month and they haven’t had a date yet. They mostly speak online because she lives several states away. I have told them both that I am parallel and generally won’t meet metas until they’ve made it to at least a year. My husband also did parallel with my past partners. It works for us.

As a result I don’t really know a lot about her: She’s over 40, lives about 1,100 miles from us, and has a primary partner that she’s moving back to her home country to nest with next year. She would like us to not be parallel, as well but has been respectful of the boundary, I guess?

The I guess is because she told hinge husband earlier this week that she is out to her parents and friends and somewhat professionally out (she has some kind of art related job where it’s easier to be out). She told him that she really preferred that we also be out. Well, him but we are married and nest so coming out would be a package deal.

My husband has told her that we are not out, and don’t plan on coming out. We live in a red state, for one and for two, being out would impact us adversely, professionally and with family. It’s not safe for us in terms of keeping our livelihoods and we strongly suspect politically conservative and religious family members would involve CPS , as we have 1 child at home who is finishing high school next year. We are not out to either of our kids (the other is 19 and away at school) and probably won’t ever be.

Despite all this, meta keeps bringing it up. Mostly to my husband but reached out last night to discuss how important this is to her. I politely but firmly reminded her that we are parallel and didn’t engage. My husband says he is also firm with her that this isn’t going to change when she brings it up. He also addressed her not respecting parallel. She apologized but insisted that this is a topic important enough that she felt it needed discussion.

Alarm bells are ringing for me. She seems intent on not letting it go and while I have no evidence, I can see her outing us eventually.

I suggested that they aren’t compatible. He reluctantly agrees but I think is holding out hope that she will soften and back off. NRE is influencing things, for sure which he also admits as is the disappointment of having to let a connection go after 3 years of dry times. I think this is clouding his discernment that whatever her intent, she has potential to be harmful.

For me, this is a firm red line because it’s a safety issue. I know that vetos and things approaching that are generally not what we do in poly. But I really am wrestling with how to approach this, because I have to admit that this is one of those times that the potential for real harm trumps a lot.

I’ve never had a meta be this insistent about this topic. It would be helpful to hear some diverse view points?

Tonight I'm sitting with something I don't always say out loud, even here: I'm loved by two people, and I never have to wear a mask with either of them.

Do you know how rare that is? To just *be* — unguarded, unfiltered, completely myself?

My wife and I talk late into the evening about the home we're building together. How to make it better. How to carry the stresses that land on it. Those conversations aren't chores — they're some of the most intimate moments of my life. She sees me thinking, planning, caring, and she cares right back.

And then there's my partner — generous with cuddles, generous with warmth, generous with everything skin-to-skin. The kind of physical affection that leaves me soft and satisfied in equal measure, holding me in ways I didn't always know I needed.

And here's the thing: they both help me with my emotions, each in their own language. My wife talks me through the storm — she sits in the mess with me until it makes sense. My partner grounds me in my body — proof that I can be held without having to explain myself first. Between the two of them, I'm never left alone inside my own head.

They love me differently, and I need them differently, and neither one is more — they're both *more*.

The sweetest part? They're friends with each other. I don't juggle. I don't hide. I just get to love, out loud, twice over.

Full. That's the only word for it.

Ethics question: my former counsellor is courting my current partner. They had dated before and weren't when we met and started dating. We've just connected the dots.

Thoughts?

edits - sorry for the vagueness - having a vent is nice eh?

We've (J & S) been dating for 8 months. They were dating for a year. I saw M as a Stopping the Violence Women's Counselling program thru the local transition society

We connected the dots

I told J 4 months ago when we saw M at a festival, that M was a professional I know through work and I had accessed their transition society services. The second part got lost in the moment. There relationship was described as deep and difficult. When we saw them it was hard and emotional. M broke up with J over a year ago. J feels M wanted someone "more" poly. Since we crossed paths, M reached out to J.

How do I feel?

It feels unethical. I feel more floored since J and I, days ago decided to give cohabitation a try for the winter.... and I haven't lived with anyone since the breakup that wound me up in counselling.

J feel weird about it, he has to think about it more and have a conversation about it with M, since it changes the tone of their interaction.

thanks for the semi fucks yall givin me here.

As the title states, my poly long distance male partner hooked up with new person while on a small island. We are both solo poly and have not seen each other in 4 months.

She has had about 3 other partners but has not been tested in over 6 months. My partner asked her to test and she didn’t do it because of a foreign country (and whatever else). Before they got together he asked what I would do for sexual protocols. I gave my opinions which he agreed with and said he felt the same. He and I did not have a contract about this per se but safe practices were implied.

Before their activities they discussed sexual consent/boundaries and agreed to these things. During their scene she pushes his boundary of what was previously agreed on. My partner consented in the moment mid scene.

This would be much less challenging for me if it wasn’t for him arriving to see me 10 days after this event. I feel he is playing a little loose with safety protocol . I was pretty upset this morning and getting better now.

I expressed all of my issues to him already and he understands and was listening and supportive. He did admit to some weakness..

I thanked him for being transparent and that I was glad he had fun. But also that my issues mostly stem from the timing. I’m reading all over that most testing is best after 14 days. He thought that gonorrhoea/chlamydia are detectable after 2. Not chlamydia at least. (TBH - I am not comfortable with their dynamic. I feel that is for him to manage so I didn’t say this).

He said he will get tested before seeing me - i appreciate this and am reassured. This situation was not the best but no one is perfect.

I’m wondering how best to move forward if this situation presents itself again. I don’t want to use barriers with him but will if necessary. He travels a lot for work.

Thank you for letting me vent.

Currently have a relationship roadbump with my primary and looking for advise ….

He and I are married, been together 10+ years, and ENM since the start. Obviously a relationship that long has had ebbs and flows with sex and intimacy as life has ups and downs.

The past 9 months or so, though, we have had the same occurring issue: my needs are not being fulfilled when it comes to sex.

We are kitchen table poly and often play with friends. That’s something that we both really enjoy. One of these friends he has gotten much closer with during this time and had turned into a casual but committed partnership. She lives some distance away and he usually drives up to her (1hr+ each way) for date nights (not the issue). When she’s down here for an social event like a mutual friend’s party, she often stays at our house and they have sex in another room before bed or in the morning (also not the issue).

Where I’m having challenges is related to sex between just us. When she’s here, it feels like a lot more of his attention & effort is with her. I know comparisons are the theif of joy, but here we are. And when she’s not around, and I try to initiate sex between just us, he’s often too tired or there’s something else getting in the way.

For me, I’m feeling like there is a lack of prioritization and effort when I comes to our sex life. We can often go weeks without it, and knowing that he is having sex with other partners (and not me) makes my anxious brain spiral. I know being primary partners and owning a house together means there less sexy day-to-day life stuff on us vs casual partners but logic and emotion are two separate things.

I’ve talked to him about this a bunch. He said he’s attracted to me, enjoys our sex life, hears my concerns, and wants to do better. And often there will be changes for a bit, before cycling back to patterns where 1:1 sex between us gets back burnered.

Feeling stuck. I don’t want to be angry, disappointed, sad over our lack of sex, nor do I want to compare myself to his other partner … being envious of the attention & sex she’s getting and I’m not, but here we are.

What’s helped to restart a spark or make sex more of a priority with your partner?

I (28F) have been having occasional sex with my FWB (35M). It's something I try not to talk about because of the judgement I've gotten. My FWB and his wife are polyamorous. His wife lives in a different country, currently. He's working on moving to where she lives.

The wife and I have a good virtual relationship. She and I send each other memes and talk about the weirdest shit. I've seen photos of her with her boyfriend, and she's seen some photos of me and her husband. She's always game for the tea.

However, I question if what I'm feeling is right or wrong. I feel a lot of comfort and safety with this guy and vice versa. When he gets too lovey, I get really scared. Idk if it's cuz I'd gotten dumped by my bf of 2 years shortly before we became more than friends or cuz I feel like catching feelings is wrong because he's married. Meanwhile, when he told his wife about how I don't want him saying, "I love you", she thought I was the weird one.

Maybe I'm worrying too much.

I'm looking for people who have/were long term partners and then another relationship came into the picture that really affected yours and felt toxic but your partner didn't want to leave it.

How long did you stay to see if you could work it out? And did it eventually work out? What did you end up doing that helped you either make the decision to leave or helped with understanding each other?

I'm purposely not adding any real details because I'm curious if others experience without getting either judgment towards myself or my partner and that becoming the topic.

I understand the definitive difference between the two, and putting the onus on our own actions vs trying to control other people, so no need to rehash that. What I don't quite understand is the difference in practice. So let's take safe sex as an example. Here is what someone on this sub once outlined as the difference between rules, agreements, and boundaries in regards to safe sex:

Rule: You will use condoms with your other partners.

Agreement: We both highly value unbarriered sex with each other and we are both willing to forego unbarriered sex with other people, so we are in agreement that we will not have unbarriered sex with other people. If either of us breaks this agreement they will communicate it promptly so that the other will be able to make decisions for themselves.

Boundary: If you have unbarriered sex with other people, I will use barriers when I have sex with you.

This is a fantastic example. But in practice, is there any real difference? If we both highly value unbarriered sex with each other, and so we make a rule about it, and our partner violates this rule, what happens? We get upset, we express disappointment in them, we feel less close to them, etc. right?

And what happens if we just express a boundary but don't make a "rule"? And they decide to have unbarriered sex with someone anyway. Isn't it the exact same fallout? Upset, disappointment, etc. All the way up to potentially ending the relationship if too much of this sort of upset occurs, and we feel deprioritized. So in practice, I don't really see the difference other than semantics. Even when we make rules, surely we all understand that our partner can just leave at any time, so at the end of the day, the rule is just a boundary without the consequence laid out. Am I missing something?

Hey gang. I really appreciate this community and have had numerous poly friends over the years and just simply don’t know where else to post this.

I love my wife. She went to hell and back as a child, finished college when nobody thought she’d even finish high school, has bipolar 2, and has fought tooth and nail to achieve stability in bipolar. She has plenty of struggles still but I and her loved ones are so so proud of everything she has achieved. However, that stability has not come without costs. In particular, she has to take meds that greatly improve her stability but also kill her libido and, in her words, her lovingness. She wants to be more giving at work, with friends, in the home, with her family, but the meds kill a lot of natural motivation to do many basic things. The alternative is risking major manic episodes where she could explode on people, quit her job, or abandon her family. Or she could have depressive episodes that spark suicide. Getting the meds right is never a line to be crossed and always a moving target, but these shortcomings are pretty constant and for her, it’s nonnegotiable that she takes them.

We’ve been together a decade and it’s taken a lot to grow comfortable in all this, but we’ve made it nonetheless. One such issue for me early on was related to self esteem tied to no sex (once a month or every other month max). Another has been just feeling less love or thoughtfulness from her in general. I’ve grown to accept that this is just the way things are in my life. However, last week she approached me and suggested that I deserve to feel wanted by others emotionally and physically. It’s a major source of guilt for her (that I always try to neutralize and assure her of otherwise) that I may not be getting what she feels I deserve. Specifically, she suggested that we try some sort of one sided poly relationship where I seek women who she would like to get to know as well (she is pansexual) but who are really more my partner. As a first step, in this she also suggested I post some nudes on Reddit, which I did and got some really affirming feedback on. It’s nice to be appreciated in that way, but it’s so innocent and removed on Reddit and I genuinely don’t know how I would feel about trying to really enter the poly space myself physically in the real world.

Here are some basic challenges I know at least I would face entering the community formally. First, for me def isn’t just sex. I love the connection, the trauma dumping, the being there for others, the remembering little details about others journeys, and really leaning into all that a person is. Connection itself for me has always been what really turns me on. I think for my wife, she imagines me casually dating someone that I occasionally fuck and who comes over for game night or something. But I can’t imagine it going that way. I do believe I have the emotional maturity and bandwidth to pursue relationships at the depth I seem to lean into without upending my life, but I just don’t think it would be as emotionally relaxed as she may think. We’ve discussed this and she says no no it’s really fine, but I just don’t know. Your collective wisdom on this is especially welcome.

Second, I just have a hard time believing there are women out there interested in this scenario? I’m 31, a professor, very much into my work, handsome, and have a lot to give. Plus my wife is really wonderful to be around and super affirming of everyone she meets. But my understanding is that poly people tend to find fully poly relationships. This would basically amount to me having a partner and her getting a casual friend at most. How many people are really interested in entering this kind of relationship? The nightmare scenario for me is we bring in a woman cheating on her spouse and it blows up. Again your wisdom here is appreciated.

Closely related to the last point is that I wouldn’t want the new partner(s) to feel like some sort of bandaid for my wife’s guilt? I would want them to feel like they’re truly wanted by us both in different ways and adding to our lives, and that we add to theirs. Basically I don’t want them to feel used or like we’re seeking some unicorn. Again, I really want to fall for whole persons, not some specific roles and wants they can fulfill.

This may sound aimless, and I’m sorry for that. This is just all a lot to consider and you’re the experts. You know the distributions of things and we don’t. So genuinely thank you for your input and experience and for sharing it all.

I'm currently in two relationships, with one considered the primary relationship. The "primary" here mainly refers to the fact that both me and my partner want to have kids, a shared house etc., and that's something we both prefer doing with only one partner. Now I've seen a lot of people on this subreddit with this relationship model and it seems to work, but lately I've been really struggling with that and wondering if I'm just not cut out for it or yall are doing something very differently and better.

While I do love my primary partner, I love my secondary partner too, and would love to also have children and a house etc. with him. So now I'm again feeling like I have to choose between the two, which feels absolutely stupid given that my poly values are telling me that's exactly what we're trying to not do. And I'm trying really hard to be a good poly partner that's not just using poly as an excuse to scout the market, but I just naturally start to compare my partners: who would be a better parent? Whose plans for the future align better with mine? The whole "one nesting partner" thing just feels like monogamy creeping its way back into my relationships.

What is everyone else doing differently? Are you all just starting poly when the children and the house are already there and there's no easy way out anyways? Do you just pick secondary partners where outside circumstances make a primary relationship impossible? Do you just not like your secondary partners as much as your primary ones? (I'm so absolutely sure that's not the case, but go ahead and surprise me xD) Or should I take this as a sign that my monogamous conditioning is too deeply rooted in my brain and I should really not be in multiple relationships?

I feel really rotten today. My ex and I are taking space at the moment, but even before that his girlfriend had been dodging me. I've been trying to hang out with her all year, we were very close and the breakup was hard. In the last 2 months she altogether stopped opening my messages. I've only sent a couple, but months apart.

It's so hard going from all being so close to now feeling like I know nothing because neither are talking to me. I get it's silly to feel sad about it but I'm sad I'm on the outside now. I know this is something I need to work on, but I feel... Left out. Excluded. Even though we are broken up. I feel like I need some tough love or for someone to snap me out of it. Like, I'm not entitled to anyone's time anymore. I know that in my head but I'm upset in my heart. My ex meta, my friend ( I hope still) is entitled to process the break up however she sees fit. It's just hard because we always used to be so open and share when things were tough. I think I thought we would still have a relationship even though I broke up with her boyfriend.

When I was still with Ex, Ex really wanted us to all spend time together and wanted me and ex-Meta to have a solid platonic relationship. It even got quite pressury and I felt like I was a bit forced into being friends at times. Unwanted kitchen table vibes. Regardless it blossomed into a friendship and I cared about her. Now we've broken up I feel like that offering of friendship was contextual and maybe even based off insecurity. I feel bitter, and a bit abandoned. But I also chose to end the relationship, so maybe that's how they feel and I'm just on the receiving end in this situation.

Anyway still sucks to be ghosted by someone you were so close to! I haven't had it happen to me before. Thought we were too old for that.

I've been poly for over 10 years and I'm experiencing jealousy out of nowhere about a new partner. He is very poly saturated. NP that he lives with, GF of 10 years, various comets and a casual GF as well.

Him and I started dating about 3 months ago. It's been absolute fire in all regards. We're amazingly compatible as a couple. But it's hard to find time. He lives with his partner and his GF he sees at least once a week. But I don't get to see him as much. Only every two weeks. And I'm struggling with feels. Plans change or get cancelled and I get upset. It can ruin my whole day.

I hear from both my NP (ace) and him that I should get another partner for the in-between time.

But that feels so odd. I build relationships. I don't do casual. And dating/finding people are hard. It's not like I could just get a partner out of thin air.

So what do I do here? I don't want to lose* this relationship but also I'm aware it's getting to me.

Any advice?

Fixed eggs to lose.

I've been in a poly relationship with my partner for about 3 months. She is my only partner, as I am also in grad school and trying to get a part-time job so I don't run out of cash. I really like the fact that she has a nesting partner, as in my last monogamous relationship, I kind of got gaslit into living together. It makes me feel safe that cohabitating is not on the table.

I admit I do think I'm still a little guarded, and kind of feeling out what kind of intimacy I want in my life. But I do kind of want someone to spend *more* time with. And maybe eventually, I would like to live with someone. Right now, we see each-other about once a month, and we seem to have sex a lot. That's nice, but I think I do want something more. What kind of more? Not sure.

I'm not sure I can handle another partner right now, but I'm starting to reconsider whether solo poly is what I want in the long-term. That said, I am still trying to figure out how this all works. How often do partners see each-other in poly relationships if they aren't living together? Fuck, how do you coordinate everyone's schedules?

When my husband and I got together, we agreed we were not interested in monogamy. We always called ourselves "open". I remember us agreeing that the main benefit of ENM was just that it added a lot to our lives if there was even just a possibility of something on the table (i.e. traveling and going out is more fun when you know your options are open). We should have talked more in those early days, but we didn't. I didn't realize at the time how many different relationship models there were, honestly. I figured we'd just talk about issues as they arose.

Over the years, the nature of the relationships that my husband has had has pursued has shifted. At first, it was just while he was traveling, and only one-offs. Then he got on the apps, and it was local women, and he would see them more often. Then there was one he took on a romantic vacation. He wanted me to meet her, so I did, and then he introduced her to our friends and family and integrated her friend group with ours. Then he was with someone else for a year, which was very long distance, but they communicated very regularly, he took her on a nice vacation, and he was pretty upset when she broke things off with him to date someone else. There was a point somewhere along the way where I realized, this isn't just an open relationship - this is essentially polyamory. He may not be looking for commitment from these women, and he may not be investing very much time in this on a regular basis, but it's still obviously an emotional connection. He wants someone he can at least be friends with.

The issue is that he thinks what I am looking for in a partner is more than what he's looking for, and it's causing him a lot of issues with jealousy. I don't do apps, I just rely on meeting people IRL. Which means I meet them through shared interests, which means I have more of a connection to them and see them more often, and likely have some of my "best" or most fun experiences with them. He sees this as a bigger threat to us, and thinks that the work he has to do to be ok with this is more than what I have to do.

I feel like I don't know what group to be taking advice from, and the advice given in this sub vs regular ENM subs seems completely different. Has anyone been through this and can offer advice?

Reposting with edits as I have been told that we look like unicorn hunters - hopefully this one explains better.
I’m a Bisexual woman, married to a man and we are about a year into being open in the poly/non monogamous world. We have been together for 10 years and during that time we have both had consensual relations with other people both alone and together. For a long time, it was for the most part been casual so we thought we identified as swingers, but then I got into a long term relationship with a woman which changed things. For us it’s important that we all get along even if we aren’t all dating eachother, and I find that people always assume we’re only looking for a unicorn or to be in a triad. We have also dated couples but that wasn’t our thing so this is another reason I don’t think we’re specifically swingers? (Sorry if I’m using all of the wrong terminologies here). I’ve also found it really hard as a black couple where we have attended group events and people either avoid us completely or it’s just very full on fetishising before even asking our names. What are we doing wrong? Maybe it’s my/our way of explaining things that’s the issue (we’re both neurodivergent). Any tips/advice on navigating would be appreciated!

So I have recently gone into a poly relationship, however one partner has 2 kids under 5, I was wondering for people who are in poly relationships and one of you have kids, how did you go about this, how did you explain the relationship to them, have their been bumps in the road that could be solved?

Hi everyone,

My relationship with my mother has been very rocky. Her behaviour was bad enough that I have cut ties with her a number of times in the past 7 years. The longest time I stopped talking to her was two years.

I've been actively polyamorus for 6 years now but I haven't told her because the relationship was too fractured. I recently got back in contact with her and, while I am sure currently that it's not a good idea to disclose, I'm sure I'll need to disclose before I visit my long distance boyfriend again.

My boyfriend lives in the same town as my mother. If I come visit and get in contact with her to see her for part of my visit, she will expect me to stay at her house.

My mother has known my nesting partner to be my only partner. I have been in a relationship with my nesting partner for over 20 years and have a child with him.

Additionally, my parents marriage ended due to my father trying to force my mother into a polyamorus dynamic. He was abusive in other ways but this was the final straw for her. Because of this, she has severe hostility to the idea of any form of non monogamy because she sees it all as what my father tried to do to her.

Both my partners are out to their families and say it's up to me if I tell my mother.

Anyway, if anyone has any information they feel is useful, please let me know. Regardless of if you respond or not, thank you for reading.

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