hi all i need some advice with my (f21) and my bf (m20) relationship. we have been together since we were 17 and 18 and met in highschool and have been together for almost 4 years and we are both in our third year of uni. for about a year we have been having issues of breaking up but never for any real reason. we have been thru a lot together and i have had to help him to change and be a better person. most of our relationship has been me helping him and forgiving him, although nothing crazy has happened just little things. i hold no resentment for these things but i think i have lost myself through the years of this and although he is now the perfect boyfriend i still see him sometimes as a bit of a kid or a boy instead of a mature man. the last few days we have been talking about breaking up and seeing other people but mainly just for the experience bc we are both each others first serious relationship basically. both of us are kinda hoping we go break up have fun and come back together which seems so strange and counter intuitive. but we have been together so long at so young we feel too dependent and a bit confused on who we both are. does anyone have any experience with anything like this or any advice on what to do? we both love each other so so much and could not be out of each others lives fully.

Hi all
44m have been with my wife 36f for 7 years and married 4 years.

My wife “Brenda” over the course of the last year has become friendly with one of her female coworkers. This has been a welcome sign because she doesn’t have many friends and is an introvert by nature.

Brenda’s new female friend and her husband are in their early 30s and we occasionally hang out with their group of friends, who are also in their 20s/early 30s.

Over the course of the last year, she’s taken a liking to a single guy in the group “Andy”, who is 28. Andy and Brenda have exchanged phone numbers and social media and they occasionally text each other. Brenda doesn’t hide this from me because she’ll occasionally be texting him or looking at his social media while we’re home together, and she’ll say to me “oh Andy is traveling for work at so and so place, or Andy was in another tennis tournament last weekend.” And by all accounts, Andy is a nice, well spoken and polite man who’s easy to talk with.

Brenda also introduced Andy to a female cousin of hers, and they ended up dating for a bit, but ultimately it ended.

Brenda is a conservative woman in that we didn’t have sex until we got married. She’s had sex before, but regretted it bc of her religious upbringing.

Last weekend, her friend and her husband hosted a pool party at their house that included their group of friends and Andy. To be clear, only her female friend who hosted the party is a work colleague, and the rest of the people were the work colleagues friends- who don’t work with Brenda or the female host.

As the date of the party was approaching, Brenda asked me if I would be ok with her wearing a thong bikini bottom. Now, this surprised me to a large extent because other than one time on vacation for one day at a Caribbean beach resort has she worn a thong bikini bottom, and that was my idea because I like showing her off.

I told her I would be ok with it, but cautioned that she’d likely be the only woman wearing a thong given that the party was in someone’s back yard.

She ended up wearing the thong to the party. And as I suspected, she was the only woman wearing a thong, while the other women were either wearing shorts or cover ups or regular bikinis. She didn’t seem deterred or embarrassed, but seemed rather comfortable, and stayed in her thong the whole time, and I was proud of her for that.

She spent a lot of time talking, laughing and giggling with Andy, sometimes with me there during the chatting and other times just the two of them chatting. I’m not a jealous person and I want Brenda to be more outgoing and have friends -male or female.

I haven’t really talked about this with her, other than the car ride home where I brought up Andy and said to her, “so you spent a good amount of time with Andy today.” She replied “yea we were talking about some of his work trips and what went wrong with him dating my cousin.” We both also said we had a nice time.

Not sure what to make of this, but I think it’s clear that Brenda has a crush on Andy. I am thinking about approaching Brenda about this in more detail, but at the same time I don’t want to make it a big deal. What’s the best approach here?

Hi team ~ I wanted some opinions from others about how much access they want into the inner worlds of their partners hearts and minds.

I'm not talking strictly about agreements.

Do you expect your partner to decide what's relevant to you or not? Or are you more of a 'the more info the better' kind of person as long as it doesn't breach another person's privacy?

Recently I discovered via a third party that my primary partners plans for the weekend away with another partner had changed. More accurately, the pretext of that weekend (he was going to be in her city on business and would extend his trip). Fine. Turns out he's not going to be in her city due to other circumstances (totally fair oversight) but he's not updated me about that yet and is planning to just go on and spend the weekend with her anyway - no pretext required obviously. Also fine. I've given him an opportunity to update me on his plans and he's avoided it. I've already made plans based on his first situation so it's of no real consequence to me what he does with his weekend.

But I'd like to think, as his primary partner, I'm his trusted other and he'd just casually tell me this stuff while we're prepping dinner or something. Either he doesn't think it's relevant or he doesn't feel he can and that makes me reflect on my role as well as this sense that I'm always hoping for more shared decision making, incidental talking and sharing than he is prepared to engage in.

What are your expectations around this kind of sharing in an open but hierarchical relationship? Thanks very much

I’m 24F, my boyfriend is 25M, and my best friend is 24F. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. My best friend has also been his friend since middle school, but she’s been closer to me since middle school.

We had a threesome while we were all very drunk 1.5 months ago, and my memory of the night is really bad. I’ve pieced together parts I don’t remember by separately talking to both of them. They’ve told me that I was still actively involved throughout most of it, even during parts I have no memory of(which is part of the issue bc if I saw them do some of the things they have told me, I would have stopped them, so I’m not sure what my mental / drunk state was at this moment). I did ask for certain things, and I was involved in directing what happened, but I was also uncomfortable at different points and kept stopping and restarting things.

Toward the end, my boyfriend attempted a particular sexual position with her that I hadn’t agreed to, even though I had approved of pretty much everything else that happened. That part has really stuck with me. Also more intimate things like him fingering her while making out with her bothers me (they said I knew this was happening and while I believe them I just don’t remember it myself and that brings me Great Angst that other similar things happened but none of us remember)

My boyfriend says he was very drunk, focused on the experience, and not thinking clearly and that he stopped as SOON as he realized i wasn’t ok with it(which he did). He acknowledges that he should have handled things differently and not done it at all. We’ve talked about it extensively, but I keep cycling between feeling completely okay and suddenly feeling devastated all over again. I obsess over little details and question his decisions, even though he’s explained his thought process multiple times. He’s starting to feel frustrated because he thought we’d already worked through it.

I love him and want to move forward, but I don’t know how to stop replaying everything, especially when I can’t fully remember it myself (which is the hardest part like the unknown and uncertainty). I can’t stand that he shared intimate moments with a woman that was not me

For anyone who’s experienced something similar, how did you actually heal and if not, did you break up? Someone told me to keep talking about it until it becomes boring. How do you process something that hurt you when you still love your partner and want the relationship to work? And how do you know for a fact that you won’t get over it and to break up?

AITA for being a third wheel in a threesome I created? Or maybe I just don't get what "three" means? This is all throwaway stuff since my best friend uses Reddit. So if you see this, good job Christopher Columbus. You found something else that was already here. I (34F), my best friend John (35M), and long time friend Jill (39F), decided on a threesome. Some how I ended up watching Fifty Shades of Fuck Me, apparently. BACKGROUND:

Jill and I have been friends since high school. We both explored our sexuality together and developed some sort of romantic feelings, but life took us down different paths.

John and I also go back to high school. We are best friends, sexually involved, emotionally connected, but not dating. Think Friends With Benefits meets What the Hell Are We Doing? John and I talked about doing a threesome. Jill had recently told me she wanted to be physically close to me again, so I suggested it. She was thrilled, even telling me she didn't care if John was part of it.

Great! Three consenting adults.

THREE. THE NUMBER THAT COMES AFTER TWO.

Beforehand we all agreed: NO SOLO MISSIONS. No one gets left out.

The night was great. Drinking, smoking, laughing, lots of chemistry.

When we went into the bedroom, I initiated everything by kissing Jill. When she tried to kiss me back I put her hand on John while still kissing her.

Everything slowed down for a little bit. Then John started rubbing Jill under the blankets, so I tried to join and before I could blink thee were going at it

PASSION. KISSING. BITING.

Me? I was decoration

Not once did either of them touch, kiss, or even LOOK at me.

I DID try.

Trying to kiss Jill? Nope.

Trying to touch Jill? Nope.

Trying to touch John? Nope.

I even offered lube to help encourage everyone to touch each other.

John replied, "She doesn't need any. She's soaking wet."

SIR. THANK YOU FOR THE WEATHER REPORT.

I WAS NOT ASKING ABOUT HER VAGINAL HUMIDITY LEVELS. I WAS TRYING TO PARTICIPATE.

After 30 minutes of being sexually unemployed, I quietly got up & went in the other room

Twenty minutes later John came out and apologized to me.

He hugged me, begged me to come back, and asked how he could make sure I was included next time.

I gave him 7 ways.

Kissing. Touching. Changing positions. Taking turns. Communicating.

I went back. Jill also apologized to me and promised to include me.

Great! Now everyone knows what's going on!

SIKE.

MY HEAD HADN'T EVEN GOTTEN ONTO THE PILLOW.

And those two were already going at it again.

JUST THEM. NO ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. NOTHING.

I said, "If you guys want to do your own thing, I can stay in the living room."

Silence.

10 minutes later I left again.

Neither of them acknowledged my leaving.

They continued having sex for hours. I could hear everything from where I sat in the living room.

THE MORNING AFTER

They seemed confused as to why I was upset.

They even offered a "make-up round."

I finally lost it.

I felt humiliated, unloved, invisible, and ignored.

"Why are you so upset?"

YOU LEFT ME OUT.

TWO TIMES.

AFTER YOU APOLOGIZED FOR LEAVING ME OUT THE FIRST TIME.

HERE'S MY PROBLEM:

I'm not angry that they had fun with each other. I WANTED THEM TO HAVE FUN!

However, we ALL agreed that nobody would be left out.

They apologized to me, promised to change, and then immediately repeated their previous actions.

If they had simply told me they wanted to continue on their own, I would have been disappointed but at least that would have been honest.

Instead, they told me they cared about me while treating me like furniture.

These weren't random people. These were two individuals I truly cared about and trusted.

SO REDDIT:

Am I AITA for feeling hurt?

Would you even consider this a threesome?

Would you think twice about maintaining these friendships?

I didn't expect to be Beyoncé with two backup dancers.

I JUST WANTED TO BE ONE OF THE THREE PEOPLE IN THE THREESOME.

I guess that was too much math for them to handle.

I’m going to try to keep this short but give enough details. I’m a 48 year old female and have been dating strictly women for the past 18 years. I have been single for a few years to do the working on myself thing plus dating where I live is a bitch.
I am on an app and back in June this girl sends me a message. I responded with hesitation because she has no relationship status marked. She openly said she had a boyfriend and he knew she was looking for a female for herself. I told her I wasn’t sure about anything romantic or physical because well for me feelings happen and then what. But there was something about her and fast track we shared emotions and got physical. I can be very open with her as she is with me meaning we don’t judge each other. It’s just so easy to talk but there is a kicker there. We sort of talked about a threesome with her bf. Well that happened over the weekend. I was shocked at how much I enjoyed myself. I thought it would be awkward and it wasn’t. I think everyone had attention the entire time it was hours long…again it’s my first time so was shocked. It didn’t feel that long. She told me she enjoyed herself but he might be in his head the next day. We did ask each other again last night she said both of them are good. My issue is where do her and I stand now. Is it still her and I? Is it all 3 of us only? Will it now just end? I’m not opposed to doing another threesome I did enjoy it a lot and still shocked but worry it won’t be as good. But I want my alone time with her to. Of course alcohol was involved but not sloppy. I’m trying out how to word it to her. Any tips? The other issue is her and I don’t spend much time together. She has kids that she needs to transport to and from work at various hours so it throws a wrench in the plans. I’m doing my best to be understanding. I won’t lie I want more time just a little and I do have strong feelings for her. She says she does for me but I’m the person that has doubt no matter who I get into my head. I appreciate any tips! Again this new and I want to navigate with respect.

Hello everyone, my husband and I are 26 years . He recently told me he wants to watch me have sex or share me with another man. I’m not sure how I feel. We have talked about this and it is something he says turns him on a lot. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m not mad at him for being honest with me, I just never have thought about having sex with another man… I’ve told him I’m scared or nervous to try it out. Any advice on how I can prepare myself to go through with it? I’m scared it might potentially ruin our relationship … is this worth trying?

More details : So he told me this about 2 years or so ago. He was out of state for work and we were talking about how much we missed having sex. he then told me how would I feel if he found someone to go and take care of me since he couldn’t do it and that he would watch it through FaceTime. We both laughed it off and we continued with our “sexting” by sharing vids and pics back and forth. He had previously bought me some dildos and a sex machine from hi-smith so I set it up and set up my phone so he could see me using it from different positions like doggy, missionary, etc. and while video chatting he told me to imagine it was a hot guy fucking me from behind and honestly this had me really aroused. After we were both done we talked about this and I asked him why he was saying those things and he said it must’ve been that he was extremely horny since we hadn’t had sex in over 4 months and that he apologized. fast forward 2 months I had gone to visit him where he was working and I told him a dream I had where I met a guy and we had sex out of being drunk. I explained to him that it might’ve been because he put that thought in my mind but he said it was ok that he wasn’t upset or jealous. Later on that night we had sex and my husband was dirty talking me about my dream and asking me questions about how it felt and if I felt slutty etc. and it turned me on even more, I had an extreme orgasm to where I couldn’t stop shaking. Fast forward to now we’ve role played to where he ties me up blind folds me and acts like he lets another person in the room and uses a dildo on me, we’ve talked about it before bed and He’s told me when we are out in public and he catches another man starring at my breast or ass that it turns him on knowing they want me but can’t have me, (honestly I like the attention and makes me feel sexy/turns me on) I guess I’m just scared to actually go for it.. I don’t know where to start since actually doing it with another person is a whole other level than role playing / fantasizing about it. Especially since the only person I’ve ever been with is my husband. He isn’t pressuring me into it or anything I just want to wrap my head around it and need tips on how I as a newbie wife can initiate it, flirt, etc. thanks for reading!

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/idgkGkDdAZ

Great news guys, the vibe check was passed with flying colors. If anything our significant others got along better than they used to. BestFriend is more chill with her being flirty than I thought. I held back to respect his decision but it wasn't just me she was playfully flirting with.

After the event we went to we retired back to a rental cabin we had booked and had dinner and a campfire before we had to drive all the way back home. But before that a dyed hair baddie (with 2 partners already and is non-monogamous) invited us (mostly BestF'sGF who was gushing hard about how cute the stranger was whenever they walked back to their cabin) to join them at their fire pit.

So all 4 of us followed the pretty lady over. My boyfriend and BestF'sGF sat in some wood chairs around the fire while BestFriend leaned on the fence and I stood next to ENMBaddie with her being between my boyfriend and I. While BestF'sGF was trying to control herself and keep her distance while being relentlessly horny over ENMBaddie.

Well ENMBaddie started sorta leaning into me, rubbing elbows, so I rubbed elbows back. Then she started rubbing her shoulder and hip into me, when I kept responding in kind she kept getting closer until her butt was pressed against me and I responded with a hand exploring that butt. All of this is within 4 feet of my boyfriend. God I wanted to stay more but we had to leave in like 20min. It felt like a cruel joke after the mix up that started all this.

As we were saying our goodbyes BestF'sGF got ENMBaddie's Instagram and she got annoyed at me that I didn't have one. As I was the last one out the gate I stopped to say one more goodbye with us both leaning on the top of the fence with the gate in-between us. I can't even remember the words that we said because before I knew it we were making out. When I got back to the group my boyfriend said "You have fun over there 😏"

You best believe I was giving him a handie on the straightaways while he drove us back home. Sucked him off as soon as we got through the door, and banged like 3 times before we fell asleep.

There's something about ethically making out with someone 20min after you meet them that made me really appreciate the strange circumstances that got me here. My brain chemistry has changed from it.

To all those who rightfully said it's a terrible idea to open for a specific person (let alone a friend's GF): You are right but I knew that her asking if we were open was just the final domino in a relationship that was practically there already.

TL;DR: It all worked out in my favor and BestF'sGF gets to be "mad" cause I told her I made out with a ENMBaddie she was crushing on, she's jealous :P

It took us 6 months of dating to officially commit. Two weeks ago, she dropped a bomb: she feels bad turning people down at parties. She told me, "You're still my boyfriend anyways, but right now I need more of a friend."
She clarified this meant I need to "abstract" myself from my feelings as her boyfriend. She expects me to listen to her desire to flirt with others without getting hurt. She later got mad at me for not bringing the topic up again, acting like I was a bad boyfriend for not reopening it.

After being very affectionate all day, she disconnected to go partying. She ignored my affectionate voice notes and just sent 40 something outfit pics. She later canceled our plans for the next day via voice note, randomly adding, "Omg when I wake up my man will be here.

At 4:00 AM, I was awake and highly distressed over an unrelated personal incident. I messaged her needing support. She left me on read at 4:30 AM.

At 5:30 AM, she finally called. She said she had just dropped off the friend she was with and was heading back into the party completely alone as the sun came up.

Today, she broke down crying. She said right after she hung up at 5:30 AM and walked back into the party, someone flirted with her and she felt terrible rejecting them. She misses the "push and pull" of flirting, specifically with girls (which she explored before we dated).
She explicitly stated she will only ask her non-monogamous friends for advice on this, refusing to speak to monogamous friends because they "will judge her."

I asked gently if this relates to past relationships. She immediately got defensive, accusing me of "turning things around to be in my favor."
I then asked how she'd feel if the roles were reversed and I wanted to flirt. Her exact words: "I'd like to think I'd be glad I'm not the only one. But realistically I would be like 'NO, YOU'RE MINE.'"
For the rest of the day, she acted completely normal, super affectionate, kissing me constantly, randomly dropping comments like, "Sometimes I'm happy that you're my boyfriend," as if nothing had happened.

1. Is it fair to feel manipulated into opening the relationship or breaking up so she doesn't have to be the "bad guy"?

2. Is her expectation that I "abstract" myself from my feelings to listen to her vent about wanting others incredibly toxic?

3. Am I right to be alarmed she is intentionally creating an echo chamber by only consulting ENM friends?

4. How do I handle her blatant hypocrisy of wanting freedom to flirt, while admitting she'd be completely possessive of me?

I (25M) always want to have a mfm, fmf or swinging. We something play with toy, talk about swapping, mfm, fmf during sex. But when we’re not doing it. She doesn’t wanna talk about it. How do I know what she truly wants?

I'm (62m), happily married to my wife (62f), and navigating an unexpected new chapter of my sexual life.

Our marriage is loving, affectionate, and secure. My wife is postmenopausal, and we haven't had sex together in about eight years. But we're very much partners in every other sense, and I have no desire to change that.

Earlier this year, with her knowledge and blessing, I decided to bring sex and eroticism back into my life. I started with occasional sex workers—a straightforward way to resume having sex without conventional dating or searching for women interested in a married man, even one exploring with his wife's blessing.

More recently, I've begun developing connections through ENM-friendly apps and kink communities. I'm not seeking another typical romantic relationship or a relationship escalator. I'm interested in warm, relaxed, ongoing FWBs: people I genuinely like, with mutual attraction, affection, and sexual compatibility. Dinner or drinks might be part of it, but the erotic connection is central, not building another primary emotional partnership.

My wife and I have discussed that distinction. I've reassured her that I'm not trying to replace our marriage or build a competing emotional relationship, and she hasn't expressed objections. So far, it seems to be working comfortably.

The practical question is how these connections fit into our life together.

My wife is a nurse working 12-hour shifts, usually on a rotation of 3 days on, 1 off, 4 on, then 7 off. Her work and recovery sleep give me substantial windows of personal "me time." I've generally arranged outside encounters during those windows so they don't take away from our shared time.

That's also resulted in something like a de facto DADT arrangement, not because she's demanded zero information or we've agreed on rigid disclosure rules, but because there hasn't been much need to discuss specifics. The few times it has come up have been incidental scheduling conflicts or heads-ups.

The challenge is that ongoing FWBs have their own lives and schedules. Their availability won't always coincide with my wife's shifts, especially during her 7 days off. How realistic is it to confine every outside connection to the hours when she's working or sleeping?

I don't want to turn every scheduling consideration into a negotiation or a rigid checklist of rules. But I also don't want to avoid useful conversations as things evolve.

I'm currently developing sexual relationships with 3 different women, all in open relationships with significant others themselves. They seem genuinely interested in the affectionate, sexually fulfilling FWB relationships I'm seeking. At 62, that's been a particularly encouraging discovery.

For those in longstanding marriages or committed relationships: how do you protect shared time while making room for ongoing FWBs whose schedules don't neatly align?

How do you keep communication comfortable when your spouse supports outside sex but doesn't particularly want its day-to-day details?

And I'd especially welcome perspectives from people around my age: how have you found partners genuinely open to sexually centered but warm, friendly relationships, and what has helped sustain them?

Nothing appears to be going wrong. In fact, our marriage seems happier and healthier since I've brought sex back into my life, even though it's outside our marriage.

I'm simply interested in how others have found a natural, sustainable balance without making the process unnecessarily complicated.

I'm really curious about ethical non-monogamy. In the past (a few years ago) I have been a bull to two couples twice and also met up with the wife of one of the couples separately a few times.

Since I did not inform my wife about these then, it was basically cheating, although there was no emotional involvement except for the sex. Further it was a time when me and my wife weren't having enough sex (according to my preference, but my wife never had an issue). After discussing all this with the wife of another couple on an online forum, I confessed to my wife about all these encounters. She was shocked as we were both from very conservative religious backgrounds and she has never heard of stuff like this. She asked me to stop everything. I did stop all intercourse, but there were times when I went for massages with a hand job ending by the masseuse, without informing my wife.

In general I'm OK with having sex with my wife more frequently, but we don't have much opportunity, due to having a kid and a live-in helper. We don't have any issues with sex now except that the frequency is still a bit lower than what I like.

My issue is that I'm still very curious about non-monogamy and I'm fine with exploring swinging or my wife finding other guys. But my wife seems to be against it, although she said she has no issue with people who do it consensually.

I wonder if there's some way where we can still safely learn more about it and maybe assuage her fears and dip our toes in it? I know I cheated in the past and that's a big red flag, but I love both my wife and my daughter and I don't want to divorce her to pursue a non-monogamous life or anything.

To keep it short and simple my wife and I have been thinking about exploring in our sex life with possibly a threesome or things like that. We aren’t exactly sure where to start on finding people or what sites to use. Any advice or suggestions would be much appreciated!

⁰My wife and I got married quickly. Religious guilt over making out and 2nd base and all that. She was my 2nd, but I was her first EVERYTHING. My first wife died in a car accident less than a year in, I was 25, and she was my only serious girlfriend. Wife suggested trying ENM a year ago. We both lost our religion over the last few years, and we realized how screwed up we were going into this marriage. "If you just follow the pattern then bliss will arrive" and all that. Turns out she hates being a SAHM and neither of us have a strong innate absolute inclination towards monogamy. Doing this in our mid 40s has been rough. We never got past chatting and coffee dates with other potential partners. My wife seems more of the "friends with benefits" but less about deep love. I on the other hand go all out on the psychological, and I want mutual strong feelings before getting physical.

She chatted with two men. The first one she lost because early on I had a come apart over feeling abandoned and we put things on hold. Sadly, she didn't have his contact info outside of the dating app and she couldn't find him again. Her second match just didn't put in the communication effort to make her feel seen even as a friend. The rest of the men on the apps were outright gross or just not her type. I chatted with a few women, then I met M. It was magic. For two weeks we chatted. My wife had no idea we were forming such a bond. We talked about our lives, our spouses, and how we ended up there. It was so natural and fluid and gentle. My wife and I have an "all access" policy on everything, and when she eventually read the messages she really strgled with the amount of intimacy M and I were building. The three of us met for lunch one day and she and I clearly hit it off. I was so happy.

Then my wife had her come apart. It's been almost two months and she's still devastated. I had to call things off with M, which hurt immensely. She says she's never seen me so happy, so alive, so in love as I was with M. She says she can't get past watching me "mind fuck" another woman, and she still talks about us separating so that I can go back to M. or find someone I am compatible with.

I really did like M. A lot. She was my only experience with dating outside of this damned purity culture. It wasn't fair to my wife, I should have gone slower. I hope M. is okay and happy, because I had to send her such an abrupt goodbye message. (I did tell her that my wife is really struggling.)

I don't know what to do. We have a great marriage built on a bedrock of religious and cultural lies. We wish we had other experiences. We wish we had known ourselves more. I wish we both could find others to have adventures with and I wish we both could be okay with it, but with my inclination towards love more than sex I'm not sure she could handle that.

So that's it. This stupid fucking religious BS that is Christianity wrecked us. Now we're happily unhappy. I guess we will just settle in for the long slide into old age always wondering what could have been. Thanks for reading.

Pretty much what the title says. I’m new to ENM (specifically swinging) and my partner isn’t.

We started out as just hooking up but it was pretty clear that we were closer to a fully open relationship than juuust hooking up.

When I finally confronted my feelings and communicated them, we agreed to be together but figure out the ENM side of things slowly.

Initially we tried to keep things fully open but kinda realised we enjoyed sex more together which is what landed us in swinging

The point of contention:
I’m more picky than he is and my figuring out boundaries has led to confusion

He tends not to care who we sleep with or anything about them as people. I do. I need to feel a sense of attraction physically and to know at some base level, that they aren’t an asshole.

We’ve had some people openly break boundaries that have been communicated from the get-go (like we both don’t like having sex with people who are on any drugs, other than 420). I’m bisexual and I’ve realised that I don’t enjoy straight women pretending to be bi, interacting with me. My partner doesn’t enjoy the straight girl-on-girl show either and we try to sus out that situation first but haven’t always gotten it right.

Of course these things have slowed the process and led to some frustration on both sides (with him thinking I cut ppl off our roster too quickly/harshly and with me being frustrated that he will push when I’ve said no in the past)

He’s quite worried that I care if he interacts with women but I haven’t. Yes, I can have jealous moments and there are things that are a no-go on my end (like actively dating someone else or sleeping with someone else solo), but when we’re in the bedroom, I really don’t mind him having sex with someone else.

Recently, I spoke to my therapist about the situation and realised that his input on my experiences (like him saying I didn’t want him to sleep with someone else after we get home) was sort of making me more anxious.

I was becoming overly concerned about ensuring his pleasure (people pleasing I guess) and it was making him more anxious about whether I’m actually enjoying things.

I told him about how I needed him to let my experiences of the session be my own while I figure out what I enjoy and don’t enjoy, and to trust that I’ll tell him when I’m ready. He suggested that I explore solo to figure out my boundaries in this space outside of him (with him not exploring solo on his own) but I don’t know… I’m a little anxious about it.

Right now, we’ve decided that I’ll relax a little on my anxious boundaries (stuff that’s causing too many rules) and that he lets my no’s be no’s without me having to justify it.

I guess I’m asking if there are any other solutions or what people think about the current state of things. Please keep things constructive. I’m aware that being new in the space, maybe I’m not thinking of relevant things. I want to learn.

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and we live together. The sex has always been good, but never as often as I'd like. Even at best, it was maybe 4 times a month. Now it's even less.

We've had very different sexual histories. I (F38) was never into sex with just anyone. I've always been very selective and haven't slept with many people. He (M34) used to date lots of women and went to swinger clubs, etc.
Because of that, when we got together, I never imagined sex would be an issue, but it's become our biggest one.
The lack of frequency has bothered me from the start. I've tried every kind of approach and conversation, and he always comes up with a thousand excuses.

He suggested opening the relationship, which didn't seem appealing to me at first, since I've never been into casual sex.
Recently I decided to agree, because the situation is really bothering me. And that's when he started showing reluctance.
He says I'm not being serious, that I'm not cut out for that kind of relationship because I'll end up getting attached. And here's an important detail: his idea was that we'd see other people only occasionally, and neither of us could form a bond with anyone.

This situation has become unbearable for me. He says he's always available whenever I want, that all I have to do is go to him, but I don't want that!
I want to feel desired, not just admired for being the one who takes care of things, sorts everything out, is good at her job... I want excitement too, not this by-the-book sex.
I'm afraid of pushing him and regretting it later, because this would be something completely new for me, and I don't even really know how I'd find someone for these "hookups," while for him it would just mean going back to old habits, since he lived that way before me.

Has anyone been through something similar, or have any advice?

My wife and I have been open for a few years, usually playing alone, communicating weekly if we have any plans to see anyone and stay organized with our busy lives/kids etc. we make it work and it’s generally been a positive experience for both of us.

She’s currently seeing a bi woman, and we both know her from college. She’s attractive and I won’t lie, I’ve thought about it with her. Anyway Friday night I went out with the buddies and she had the house and had her over.

I texted that I’d be back at 11 and that usually means the date needs to leave. I didn’t get a text back so I got worried and drove home at 11. Got home and they must have fallen asleep innocently in the couch together. I wasn’t upset, it was kind of cute.

Little awkward but I woke them up gently said hello, I’m going to bed upstairs, nice to meet you (again) all the pleasantries etc

10 min later, my wife comes in and asks if she can sleep over, in our bed with me. I was kind of shocked by this new development but would be lying if I wasn’t super turned on.

I allowed this to happen and we pretty much all cuddled fell asleep and in the morning discussed what this all means and I’m not sure what it means. I didn’t have sex with her friend but wanted to and told my wife that and told her that. They didn’t say yes or no just that “Let’s see how this grows.”

Anyone know what my next move is here?

Edit: Yes, breakfast was made lol.

Hi!
I’m D and my wife is L.

We’re new to the swinging lifestyle and are trying to meet more people. We have one couple that we consistently swap with, but we’d like to meet more.

We’re looking for people to meet, but all of the swinging social medias cost money that we are trying to save right now.

I’m M and 26, and she is F and 25. We live in Northern California and are wanting to meet more people.

What would y’all recommend?

A while ago I made a post about a disintegrating relationship with a person that I feel like is my soulmate. Still remains true. This is a difficult post to write since I’m literally in my car after a full shift of work closing as a manager trying to not bawl my eyes out. Definitely choking up, it looks pathetic.

My now ex-partner (29F) and myself (31M) reconnected after a falling out where we previously broke up from her gross neglect of our relationship, selfishness, hypocrisy, etc. Details in the most immediate post on my profile. Needless to say, things were terrible.

However, for a little over a month now we’ve reconnected and things have been amazing. Basically every complaint I had went away. She really worked on herself and things have been healthy. We were loosely planning a trip to Chile, I got my passport, I have funds for it even though I’m saving for some personal reasons (unimportant but the expense would have been well worth it to me), we had two instances recently where she really revealed some compelling and emotional truths about the way she feels about me that made me feel like this was going to work out. Telling me that I’m her soulmate, exchanges of confessed love which we’ve had before but with our issues hearing her say it in the way she said it was very healing and therapeutic, and even though this shouldn’t be a competition, also revealing to me that when she’s with other partners she still thinks of me. In a variety of ways. Sexually, emotionally, attraction and just the way she loves my body, the kind of attention I give, the way I give it, our shared love of kink and how she can’t get certain things from other people strictly because they’re afraid to push boundaries (physically, playing with consent, pain, levels of SAFE perceived danger), size, etc.

So while we’re both seeing other people, she’s my ride or die, the person I feel like I give everything too, the person who I feel is in a league solely of her own in every regard.

The issue is that recently she had a new partner visit from out of state. We have not spoken since he’s been here and he left tonight. We had disagreements on things, she wanted to exercise full autonomy which we discussed prior to, I didn’t leave threats or tell her what she couldn’t do but told her plainly that I am not comfortable with what she had planned and their dynamic. Needless to say it didn’t matter and tonight after he left, we spoke about how things went, how she feels about him, and I mentioned that I didn’t appreciate her post on IG of them in bed together (not so politely).

Basically, she expressed what it meant for her, how she feels about him, and things they did together that I am not ok with (after having exercised a lot of patience in the past) and decided that emotionally, seeing her is too much to me. Although I don’t intend to impress myself on her life and her decisions, it feels awful to have discussed things that make me feel uncomfortable and have it not matter when it comes down to what’s fun for her.

I’m not arguing that this makes her a bad person but it is painful and after going through more pain with her than any other partner (and also more effort — I’d have never tolerated 10% of the things she’s done from anyone else and historically haven’t), for my emotional well-being I felt compelled to end things between us.

I feel like it’s dumb to stop cold turkey from seeing my other partners. Emotionally, knowing what I’m about to go through after having gone through it, I will not feel social. I’m tired of being tired. I dont want to permanently shut people out but it is good to be honest and upfront about my emotional capacity because of another relationship I have [had].

Honestly, don’t think there will be another one like her, good or bad. I wish she were the one.

Hello

English is not my first language so be prepared.

I've been with my partner for 16 years and have 2 small children.

We were married but ended the marriage as friends in 2019 because I found out she cheated years back and couldn't handle it.

Secretly I found out that threesome/swinging is what always turned me on.

We started dating and became close and had great sex and reconciled in 2024 alot of talking later we moved together I had strong feelings for her while she told me that she did not feel as same for me but would fight for us for children aka family values.

2 years went by the sex got more and more distant she would never initiate or want sex i would want it daily my sex drive is huge and so is hers but she constantly told me she wasn't in the mood or couldn't today or tired because of life etc...

I've talked about opening up our relationship to se if it would move her out of her comfort zone towards threesome or swinging she was open to the idea we fantasized alot also during sex.

Finally she found a guy close by and initiated and went to him she had instant klick according to her and best sex ever passionate and everything she even kissed him while she cant kiss me.

Now the other guy is ghosting her and dosent want to be with her even if he knows that I know and she is upset/heartbroken about it, cant let him go because he is emotionally unavailable and won't give her any good reason as to why....in her head she thinks he had same klick and energy as she did although he clearly didn't....hi last text was I dont want this drama/stress in my life....even if he knew that I was OK with them meeting up for sex.

She dosent want sex with me, the little cuddles we had before the other guy are gone we hadn't had any intimacy kiss or anything of that sort.

Now when I ask her what she feels for me she dosent know, she knows and feels she wants the other guy but just for sex.

With me she has comfort family future but doesn't see me romantically or sexualy available.

She dosent want to leave me but I believe its because she doesn't have a job or income that's holding her back.

A big part of me want to let her go, so she can be happy with either him or anyone else for that matter, I feel she isn't going to ever be happy with me.....because and this is strong feeling when we ended the marriage in 2019 she locked me in friend zone and cant move me out of that zone...

Any suggestions???

My wife (30) and I (32) have been happily married for 6 years. We dated for around 5 years before getting married, so we know each other pretty well by now.

We tried being an open couple, but it wasn’t something that happened overnight. We took our time, started slowly, made mistakes, learned from them, and set our rules. Eventually, we both loved it. It’s something we enjoy doing together, just like going on trips or having movie nights.

We had two main concerns: emotional attachment and STDs. We’ve figured out the first, but the second, along with finding the right people, is still an issue.

We’re not looking to be active swingers or meet new people every other day. We like getting to know a couple or a guy or girl, building a genuine friendship, talking openly, and maybe taking things further once every month or two.

We’ve done full STD tests before meeting people, but doing that every single time isn’t practical. Also, many people in this space seem more interested in frequent hookups than in building meaningful friendships.

We’ve thought about approaching couples in our friend circle but held back because we’re worried about the backlash. So now, we’re just waiting and hoping someone with a similar mindset and vibe comes into our lives somehow.

Any suggestions on how we can move forward with this?

Note: We’re not desperate for sex. Both of us are happy with our sex lives. We just love experiencing new things together once in a while, and we feel it has brought us closer.

I’m in a 5 year relationship, were both young (under 25) and we’ve talked about threesomes since forever, both agreeing that we do want to try it, but ever since she started taking the pill she doesn’t want it that much (I do understand why).

Obviously I’m more into doing a threesome with another woman and she another man, I’m not opposed, but it’s not really my thing (ik it’s selfish, but I’m not ready yet)

She still says she wants to try it, but with a few conditions:
- we have to be living together
-it has to be in another country
-it can’t be with someone we know

I also added that the week after she’d get princess treatment (basically I’d do all the chores for her) mostly because she wants reassurance that she’s the one I want.

She’s also super insecure about cheating, I’ve assured her I only want the experience to fulfil a fantasy, not a regular thing. I also gave the silly idea that since she’s so afraid of cheating we could make some sort of legal contract in the sad case of someone cheating (I think that’s possible)

I’ve been on two dates with someone who is new in town. Cece is in the film industry. I’m not in the film industry at all, but I happen to know someone who is very well connected in my town (Peter) and he is a generous connector and easy contact to have.

If I had met this date as a friend, I would introduce these two people in a heartbeat. However, I’m new to ethical non-monogamy (3 months in) and my wife and I have only told our 8 closest friends. Who we talk to on the phone or see on a regular basis. While we are fairly close to Peter (in terms of time spent together) and Peter would be okay to tell, we are not so close that we’d normally talk about our dating lives.

The other side is I don’t know if it would make Cece feel more uncomfortable we’ve gone on dates when it’s just been two dates (don’t want to give the impression I’m trying to escalate) or if she’d feel uncomfortable if I told a white lie to Peter about how we met and it looked like I’m trying to hide her, which I really wouldn’t want to make her feel.

The only reason this is coming up now is that there is a film festival in our town soon and these two people will already be at the same festival all weekend, and it’s in my nature to connect two people who would get along and it would be helpful down the road. I’d probably tell Peter eventually about our ENM if it came up, but he wouldn’t be top priority and would only tell if it was needed for social reasons.

There’s a background layer where I’ve been invited to a big festival event with a dj that Peter’s studio hosts, and obviously if I connect them then there is also a chance that Peter, Cece, and I would all actually be together at the same event (my wife hates djs so won’t be there). I’d briefly thought about just directly inviting my date to that event, but my wife said she wasn’t comfortable with me starting to bring dates to hangouts with our mutual friends this early in dating them and that made a lot of sense to me, so I’m not going in that direction.

At this point, I’m leaning toward not introducing them before the festival, just to keep things simple. But I also know how hard it is to build a network in a new town in a very connections based industry, so part of me also wants to make the connection.

The back-up option I’m considering is introducing them and telling Cece I don’t normally socially soft launch even casual dating relationships until I’m 6+ dates in, but I’m happy to introduce her as someone I met in the queer community. I don’t actually have a metric for the number of dates cuz it would depend, but 6 would be the bare minimum.

My wife, Cece, and I are all F in our 30s. Peter is M in his 50s. Both Peter and Cece are well-established in different silos of film, so this wouldn’t be a mentor relationship or anything like that.