My partner and I have been together for two years and have shifted from a open structure with our relationship at the centre to poly (as we have both fallen in love with someone else).

We have been struggling as she has only told me now that she has always desired non-hierarchical poly and I would like hierarchical especially because of my anxiety. I understand people are against hierarchical but it feels safer for me.

The person I am in love with has a primary and we are happy as secondary, while her partner doesn’t want to be secondary.

The real question…we are trying to find a middle ground and be considerate of each other’s desires but I feel neglected and small. I am very busy working and they get to spend whole weekends together which I don’t know is happening till later. I don’t want to control her or put rules and build resentment but I want to know when they have dates etc so I can unwork my anxiety and feel happy for them. She also says “if I am not spending time with you how does it affect things if I am with him?”. I am jealous of the amount of quality time they get which I don’t and my reaction is that I want to run away and let them fall in love.

Wow not really a clear question…but advice pls!

I've been talking to this guy for four months. He's newly poly and is seeing me and another girl. They have NRE, but I'm the only one with NRE on our side. I don't know what to make of this. HE doesn't know what to make of this. Normally I would just assume he's not into me, but he said he does really like me and is trying to figure out himself why he doesn't have the intensity that I feel. He asked if it's possible he can only have NRE with one person at a time. I told him I have no idea because I've never had two relationships start so closely together. What do I do? And what do I do with all of this energy that I have besides trying not to be too much?

Edit: Well.. He broke up with me after this so... never mind, I guess.

I met this boy about 7 months ago. He was honest and open about being poly at the time and asked me on a date. I accepted but told him it would never be anything serious because I’m not poly so we’re not compatible long term.

We had a few dates, all went really well, and then he asked me to hang out one day after work. Went to his place and he had a hickey on his neck. It turned me off so bad. I made the decision to let him know I couldn’t do it and said I’d like to be his friend if that was something he wanted. He said of course. Even though I was super bummed I was relieved I had this realization before we were physically intimate or I got too invested.

Did the friend thing for like a week then he told me he was having a sort of crisis because he found himself not wanting to entertain anyone else and he wanted to pursue us being together. We had a long talk, I expressed all my concerns and we decided to give it a go.

Dated for over 6 months, even made plans to move in. Like a month before the move in date he out of the blue one day text me expressing doubts and saying he was torn between me and polyamory. Then turned around a couple days later and said he was just panicking and reliving trauma from past relationships. Maybe another month passed and he did the same thing but this time broke up with me. Again out of the blue, the call didn’t even start out with any doubts. It was just like any other call. “Hi baby how did you sleep?”, ect. Then by the end of the call I’m dumped.

Text me a couple days later saying he made a mistake and he wanted to be with me. Because I’m still attached I said yes but I can’t get rid of this awful feeling in my stomach that I’m making a huge mistake. I now feel like it’s just a matter of time until this happens again. He is insisting he wants me to move in and he is sure this time and he unpacked everything and self reflected. He says he realized he was using polyamory to fill up his time with connections because he gets anxious when he’s alone.

Am I being incredibly stupid? Is it possible for someone who identifies as poly to be happy in a monogamous relationship? Looking for some perspective from the community.

Hi all,

ive been with my currently only partner for 5 years and we’re in the process of moving in together after an LDR.
We’ve been poly the entire time. It is my first poly relationship and all in all I would say it went pretty well, a fair share of mistakes included.

we are currently our only partners and somehow more in love than ever. While I do like poly and align with the values, it does take a lot of energy and resources and I’m just tired (i am also currently in burnout and I know this could be a source of my feelings). Somehow it does seem very attractive to me at the moment to just become mono or maybe open.

Anyone else has experienced this, please share! What’s your take?

Throwaway account.

I am not new to poly but have not dated for years. I have a long term partner who adores me and makes me very happy. She doesn't live with me and takes care of her disabled mother so my evenings after work are me alone in my house.

After years of not dating, my last poly relationship was LDR and it took about two months before we were together IRL. We texted and video called every day for that time, had some phone sex that was intense for her (it doesn't do much for me but I love pleasing my partners). We both fell hard for each other, lots of NRE. She has been poly for many years and has a NP. She lit up my life like no one else ever has. I'm an older man who's been deeply in love with at least five times so it's not new to be in love. This was a whole new level. My long term partner noticed how happy I was and was thrilled for me. I'm a psychologist and my mental health is good.

After a physically and emotionally intense first meeting that we agreed was amazing we planned a two day stay at my home. We were both excited about it and couldn't wait to have that much time together. About ten days before seeing each other again, she was overwhelmed by the intensity of her feelings and told me she couldn't cope with that. She said we would stay friends and promised to tell me when she decided to stop talking with me. I think part of what freaked her out is that her feelings for me were surpassing those for her five year long NP.

We had some surface text conversations and some where she wanted me to comfort her, which I happily did. I enjoy caring for those people I care about and any connection was great. That lasted a couple weeks and she stopped talking but would ❤️ react to my texts. Another couple weeks and she said she was more overwhelmed, off all dating apps and focusing on recovering. Said responding was too emotionally difficult. So I asked if she wanted me stop texting her and she did. I agreed.

After two months of no real conversation and a month of none, I sent her a loving letting go text and left the door open for friendship or more. No response other than ❤️reaction days later.

That was three months ago. I have a lovely new LDR comet in my life that I will see again soon. I fully realize that I fell in love with a fantasy as much as I did a real person. Nonetheless she was and always will be very special and I don't think I will find anyone like her.

Problem is that my subconscious is not done and hasn't let go. I have dreams about her, I have occasional thoughts of how wonderful it would be if she was back in my life. I hurt.

I have examined this in my occasional therapy and done CBT on myself. Consciously I'm good with it and still looking for a local partner. Just ended a local relationship that I should have ended after the second date. I don't compare other women to the woman who is gone.

I don't need to be told to get therapy, maybe I simply want to vent. What I would really like to hear is from someone who has fallen in love with a poly partner and lost that relationship. How did you heal your heart? How do you convince that buried part of you that still aches?

My primary understands me well and our relationship and sex life are great. She has asked if there is anything she can do to help. She validates my sense of loss. She is a little angry at my lost love for hurting me. We both understand why she had to end our relationship. I fully realize that

Be kind in your comments please.

Nesting partner and I have been together for 6 years. We're extremely committed to each other, married, plan our lives around each other, hoping for a baby soon etc.
We've ways been open but usually it's been like more casual things. He's been seeing someone for kind of a while, a bit less than a year.
Throughout this time, I've struggled to understand my own feelings around their relationship. I find myself feeling jealous sort of often. I feel like my partner is so busy most of the time so we end up being more like roommates but when he goes over to meta's house he always finishes his work ahead of time, using "our time" to do so. they plan dates, they went on a trip (without actually asking if I was ok with that which i was nothing but we've addressed that I guess). they just do fun stuff together and when I complain that we're not spending enough quality time together and how that makes me feel, it usually ends up with both of us upset, them saying something along the lines of "I love you so much I don't understand how you can't see that, I'm trying my best". He has gotten better about this.

When we're spending time together my partner brings up meta, what feels to me, quite often and I've told them pleaseto talk about meta less. I see the two of them texting like all the time. I've said please don't text them so much while we're together. but... it seems unrealistic to expect them to never text or bring up a person who they really like to spend time with.
Meta says I love you but my partner doesn't... I think mostly just to spare my feelings but idk for sure.

Anyway, we're away this weekend just the two of us and like the day we get back he's going to sleepover at meta's house. and I'm really struggling to enjoy time with them because I'm feeling like he doesn't actually want to be here with me or something. I'm not sure just feeling really uneasy about it all. I think I'm being too jealous? but I also feel like I'm valid for being upset about a bunch of the stuff my partner and meta do.

I (36F) have been married to (37M) for 9 years and three years ago I started dating my gf (34F), she has always been poly, as her current partner/my meta (56M) has “always” been poly. My meta has always been wildly jealous, while claiming to not be jealous. He appears to retaliate whenever we talk on the phone or see each other. He causes some drama whenever I stay over her house, he has his own house close by. He has made comments that I see as being violent, and in classic manipulative fashion (many years ago) told her he’ll unalive himself if she leaves him. I noticed that whenever we are particularly close in our relationship he crashes out a bit. She claims this is not happening, but she becomes super distant. He also has been financially dependent on her for many years, which I assume is the main cause of his jealousy, and have shared this with my gf.

I worry possible domestic abuse is happening but I don’t know how to bring it up. I fear it will bring her closer to him. She knows she’s in a codependent relationship. He‘s been very negative about her appearance. I made a comment to her about us becoming more serious, and I feel like she must have mentioned it to him because he asked her to marry him a week later - in fall of next year. I know he pressures her to tell him about what is going on in our relationship, so this is why I assume this. I don’t know if I should talk to her family or just let it go or maybe even just break up with her because I want to be able to be a friend to her so I can best support her and be able to see her without retaliation.

Not trying to rescue her but also it’s really heartbreaking to watch the insane dynamic, and I don’t want to cause her stress by dating her. I’m in love with her but the amount of distance this man is trying wedge between us is becoming intolerable. Any thoughts or advice welcome.

Edit: additional context, she doesn’t see him as abusive. She’ll say things like “he doesn’t like to give me alone time,” etc. Or “he never told me I was attractive until you told me I was beautiful in front of him.”

Hi, in the sense of being poly, I have considered myself poly for about 6 years now. I’m just frustrated now because I am married and we had a a partner but the partner and I broke up. It has been such a bad fallout that it’s caused issues with me and my husband who now wants us both to be his primaries not just me. But the part that has me more frustrated is that they don’t think that I’m actually Poly, and they would consider me more of a swinger/unicorn hunter and no bisexual. Which swinging doesn’t come too comfortably, but it has been done and the unicorn hunter is not me. That’s my husband. And I’m pretty sure they think that just because I haven’t been in a separate relationship on my own. Just because they’ve gone on dates or done things with other people post break up less than a month after. And for me, I don’t want to impose my breakup process on anybody and I want to feel secure in my relationship with my husband again before I even put myself back out there. And compared to them I still have friends that I visit and hang out with and prioritize apart from my romantic relationship. Does that mean I’m not actually poly? Or even not bisexual because I haven’t had my own girlfriend before?

This subreddit defines polyamory as being "openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person" and I agree with that definition. Openness, however, covers a wide territory. Everyone important in my life knows that I have multiple partners, and would not be surprised if they ran into me with them on the street (which they sometimes have). And when I go on vacations with non-nesting partners, I'm totally upfront.

However, most of my nonpoly and nonkinky friends and relatives would rather not hear more, and in some cases have explicitly said so.

Now, the principle of consent is very important to me, especially coming out of the kink community. If someone says no, they don't want to hear more about my other partners, I take that very seriously. On the other hand, a lack of sustained contact makes things more difficult, from health crises to babysitting dogs and grandchildren.

What's your approach to navigating the gray area between 'closeted' and 'completely out'?

title says the meat of it. i got into this relationship a few days ago on with someone i met recently on discord who asked if i was single. i had recently almost gotten into a relationship with someone i met recently but then was ghosted by them and was feeling frustrated by that, so i was excited to meet someone new who was interested in me. however, now that we have been i guess dating (i am aroace so i define my feelings differently, but dating is a fine term i suppose) for a few days, i am feeling nervous and want advice going into this. especially because its not just two of us it is a kink relationship as well, if that affects the advice you would give

TLDR: if this was really too long for people to read im sad for literacy, but i have to put this. i am 20 and just entered a poly couples relationship which is also kinky, please give advice?

MAJOR IMPORTANT EDIT: the title and post are incorrect. i was just having a talk with 22NB (we will call them L) about the relationship and boundaries and i found out i assumed something incorrect and was misinformed.

they are not a couple but have a kink dynamic and plan to live together in the future. i am entering the relationship as the partner of L and am invited to do kink play with 28NB as well if i would like. which i would.

the confusion was because i mistook kink play for implying a romantic relationship as im just. painfully new to being in an actual real life relationship

Edit : there's more to this and I appreciate everyones responses because I wanted to analyze this without the other context. The other context is partially that they've recognized that it's triggering to them when I tried dating others. They felt replaced. It led to them saying that me going out with others was dangerous for their mental health and why they realized we were incompatible. That they tried to ignore that I wouldn't value them as enough. So, AITA, that struggles with how someone decides to end it after 3 years.... Mind you we met when he had a primary partner and I was his secondary.

There's a few reasons but I need my polyamorous redditers to be honest with me... AITA?

3 years of building a life with my partner and our kids. Before we met, I was already married. My married partner and I have had marital issues and my now ex- partner naturally became who I was closest to. Which we were all aware of. I work in the public sphere, and I'm not out to all of my co-workers and definitely not clients.

My ex-partner asked if there was a world I'd be honest about him, at work. I told him no, that I chose discretion with clients and with the social stigma I wouldn't jeopardize my career. I kept planning to go to work events alone or with my husband. Also of note, half my coworkers know I'm polyamorous and I've been slowly coming out on my time.

Like I said there are other things but this was the final straw. He ended it due to our deep differences in values. He admitted that he had always hoped I would prioritize him and love him openly and loudly. He recognized that he was holding on to an impossible dream. That I would never be happy because I'd always want more than just him and I'd never be able to make him the #1 in my life like he needed.

Three years of this. We all grow and learn who we are ... But AITA for finding it insane that this was the breaking point to split after three years ... I'm not just losing him. I'm losing his children, I have parented.

In a way it all feels like I'm to blame. Just shocked in whiplash from a family planning life together last week, to it's over. So, AITA for not being open about polyamory to work / clients. For not openly inviting my partner to events?

I’m new to the lifestyle so please excuse my lack of proper terminology

Two years ago my monogamous partner (let’s name them L) and I (so named T) transitioned to poly. We started a hierarchical and had a couple parallels but it wasn’t what we wanted. So after great conversation we decided to go for a kitchen table relationship

Six months ago we met R. Things really hit off well, R was parallel but wanted kitchen table and we all merged together. R and I are the real couple, R and L and moreso just friends, though they’ve told me individually that they’re interested in that relationship growing but are uncertain on how to or if they even want it to be romantic.

Recently, R said the relationship feels hierarchical playing kitchen table. I felt there were intentional actions to make both R and L feel equal on all counts but R viewed that as favoritism and not contributing to the balance.

I’m unsure how to proceed. L and I want kitchen table and not hierarchy but that transition is lost on me. Any help would be greatly appreciated to allow us to move forward with all this.