Tldr - advice on dating again after you’ve been in a relationship incredibly attractive?

Hey everyone,

Just broke up with my boyfriend today 😞

I didn’t want to at all, but he worked 17 hours a day 7 days a week and when I was at my wits end and BEGGED him to make some time to see me more often, he told me no.

There is obviously more to the story, but that’s the long of the short of it.

My question is, what is your experience like after being in a relationship with someone supernaturally physically attractive? Like that’s not even my personal opinion, he was a high fashion model for several years and my friends/strangers would make comments about how beautiful he is. I just don’t know how I can date someone who is just above average attractiveness level after dating someone who was one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen. I just need encouragement that I will find love again and someone physically attracted to haha

My ex and I were together for two years and when we fell, we fell HARDDD. We had a physical, emotional and mental connection that I thought only existed in fantasies & romance novels. The first year of our relationship was amazing. We came from two very different religious, political, cultural, racial, geographical and socioeconomic backgrounds, and almost nothing about how we grew up was the same. We had common interests such as traveling and we both had a deep appreciation for the arts and storytelling whether through music, poetry, visual arts, etc…… She was my best friend…

The one thing we did share was our vision for the future and the kind of life we wanted to build together. We wanted that life together so badly. The problem was figuring out how to meet in the middle. Compromise often felt like sacrificing parts of ourselves and because of our different upbringings and childhood wounds, we kept missing each other emotionally.

Throughout our relationship, she initiated four breakups, and I can acknowledge that there were reasons behind them. For example, there were times when I didn't know how to show up for her in the ways she needed…

My unhealthiest coping mechanism is shutting down & I want to explain what that looked like for me because I don't think I ever fully understood it myself until being in this relationship. When my emotions get heightened, my instinct is to retreat inward. I become quiet, withdrawn and emotionally unavailable. I'm physically present but it's like I disappear into my own head. For a long time, I genuinely thought this was the healthiest way I knew how to handle conflict. Growing up and throughout my past relationships, I watched people express emotions by immediately releasing everything they were feeling. They would say hurtful things and then have to apologize afterward. I've seen this with family members, close friends, previous partners and even in this relationship.
& because of that, I developed this belief that when I'm overwhelmed, it's better to say nothing until I can process what I'm feeling. But what I failed to understand was that there is a difference between taking space to regulate yourself and shutting someone out. My intention was to avoid causing harm and reacting impulsively but the impact on her was that she felt alone, disconnected and emotionally unsafe. & I can see how repeatedly experiencing that would erode her trust in me especially when she needed me to be present and engaged rather than withdrawn.

After the third breakup, I promised myself I would never go back. None of the previous breakups had lasted longer than a day and she always came back. And every time, I went back too. The fourth breakup felt different though. She told me that she never wanted to see my face again & that she was beyond done with the relationship. I told myself it was my final straw but even then, I wasn't ready to let go. The next day, I went to her house to talk. She wouldn't even look me in the eyes and the only time she did was to tell me to get the fuck out of her house… so I left.

And 24 hours later, I went out, got drunk and slept with someone else. I wish I could say I was in a good place emotionally when I made that decision but I wasn't. Part of me was looking for comfort. Part of me wanted to feel something other than the pain I was experiencing. And if I'm being completely honest, part of me knew that sleeping with someone else would make it feel final. It would give me a reason not to return to a cycle I had repeatedly promised myself I would leave. I just wasn't ready to sit with the breakup so I found a way to escape it temporarily.

We remained in contact after the breakup because the love was still there between us. A few weeks after the breakup, we were having a conversation when she became angry with me because she thought I had cheated on her. I told her I hadn’t and then confessed to her that I had slept with my ex after we broke up.

It's now been a month and a half since we officially ended things and I keep thinking about how much this has hurt her. That night gave me temporary relief but it didn't take away the grief. If anything… it left me with another painful decision to process on top of the breakup itself. I imagine how it might have changed the way she remembers our relationship, how it might have made her question what was real and how it might have shattered the image she had of me and the trust she placed in me… She has since said some incredibly heinous and hurtful things to me since finding out and I deserve that much.

I can recognize that she's hurting and at the same time, I'm taking responsibility and wanting to hold myself accountable without completely destroying myself with guilt. I know I hurt her and I know that sleeping with someone so soon after the breakup was a decision I made while trying to escape feelings I wasn't ready to face.

But I also know that our relationship had become an unhealthy cycle. Four breakups, repeated reconciliations, unresolved wounds and two people who loved each other but struggled to show up for each other in the way we needed.

I have no desire to reconcile. This isn't me looking for a way back into the relationship or trying to justify what I did. I'm still grieving her, the relationship, the future we imagined and the version of myself I wish I had been while we were together. I'm also grieving the fact that someone who once knew me so intimately now see’s me through the lens of one of the most hurtful decisions I've made.

I know my guilt and remorse are not the same as the pain she is feeling. & every time I find myself struggling with the weight of my actions, my mind goes straight to her and what she must be going through. She is the one left hurting from a decision I made. And as much as I wish I could take that pain away, I know I can't undo what happened. My next therapy appointment isn't for another two weeks and I think I just needed somewhere to put all of this.

I asked my ex to break up, and his response was, “Are you sure? If that’s it, I can’t argue with that.” The smoothest breakup I’ve ever had.

hi 22f recently got broken up with by m23 as he didnt see us working out as we were constantly arguing. he said he loved me but what we had was unhealthy, and he just…. broke up and left. he (&me) did try to fix things for a few weeks (less than a month) and he gave up..

i havent reached out since i was the one that got dumped, but after he broke up on call with me i sent him an apology message for all that i did, and he did not reply. i dont understand why isnt he coming back or reaching back out to even just reply or to even get his clothes back. im trying to move on, ive made my decision but i still love him so much

Thoughts?

Lately after 2 months of not being able to focus on important things in my own life, work deadlines missed, therapy not working, I realize I’m extremely sick and this love I feel for my ex feels more like a mental health condition.

My (23M) girlfriend (22F) of 5 years ended things last week. She's in college and I'm back home.
Honestly, it ended because I never liked her going out to bars. I always worried something might happen, so she mostly didn't go. She got tired of it. She said she can't do this anymore, needs space, and wants to live her life. She told me she's done and won't even call me.
Now she's going to bars, she went to a party recently, and it looks like she's drinking a lot and spending most of her time at her friends' houses. From her socials it seems like the breakup isn't hurting her at all.
We're 9 days into no contact, but I'm still following her and can still see her location. I keep checking whether I'm still on her socials, what she's doing, and whose house she's at, then spiral about what's going on or whether people are talking crap about me. I feel like if I tried to go even a couple of days without looking, I couldn't do it. We also still have a 1,200-day Snapchat streak going, and we both keep sending snaps. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
For anyone who's been through a long relationship ending like this:
How did you finally stop checking?
Did removing location and unfollowing actually help?
Should I end the streak, and how did you handle that?
When did it start hurting less?
Any advice is appreciated. I'm a wreck right now.

This happened today early in the morning. I don't go out often but when I do it's with the same people. I have a bad habit of telling white lies or not telling people things at all in fear of how they will react. Conflict avoidant I guess. Even though there's no reason I would have to hide anything.

We were together for one and a half years. I did it more in the beginning but got out of it and eased up more, but it started coming back again. I don't mean to be dishonest and even though I know lying will come with more consequences later, it's like I can help it. I avoid things until I can't anymore even for things that I don't need to avoid. He got upset that I didn't tell him I was going to hang out with some friends until he asked. He also got upset that I didn't tell him certain details even though he never told me he wanted to know and when he goes out he just says who it is and where its at even though I don't know the person or directly where he is. So I thought telling him who I was with was enough.

He told me he broke up with me because I didn't let him know and he had to ask and he seems to not trust me or think im messing around because one time he told me he went through my phone even though he didn't and my first reaction was to say that I'm not cheating on him because I wasn't and in the past he would imply or accuse me of cheating and I got tired of it.

He told me I did this. He didn't even try to hear me out which seems to be so common with people no one ever seems to hear me out and they just make assumptions about what I did or who I am. He would break up with me a lot when he was drunk so I didn't think he actually meant it. It just surprised me because it happened so abruptly and over something that seems small. I was actually thinking about not going to not make him upset but ive delayed or canceled plans for him before and didn't want to do it again. He seems to think I'm being deceitful or messing around or something like that and I don't like that he has that view of me.

so. i (f19) got out of a 3 almost 4 year relationship with my ex in September of last year and that left me with scars, i got with my now bf (m22) in April of this year. (i don't think i was ready for a relationship). i want to break up with him but he is so perfect. he pays for everything, he's respectful, good in bed, kind, does everything right. but i still can't seem to feel romantic feelings for him no matter how much i try to convince myself and fall for him i can't, everything i feel for him is entirely platonic. he tells me he's in love with me and that i'm the perfect person for him but i'm not feeling it. i know i want to break up but i don't want to because he's my best friend.

tldr: i feel only platonic love for my bf and idk what do to. i need advice

"Ok" might be more painful than any other response, though. I hope I'm making the right decisions. I want her to be happy, and I don't think I can be the friend she deserves to have as long as I still feel this way.

Context: Me (22M) and my ex (21F) had a one year relationship. She broke up with me over text message last March and since then I decided to go NC. However, thanks to two mutual friends I know some things that happened after the break up. I know she went on a trip with her group of friends that same March, like a week after she dumped me. I know she went to a concert on June, and I know that, according to one of these friends, she is really not interested in going back with me.

I'm going to be completely honest: I suck as a person, or at least that's what I think of me. I hold grudges too easily and I have a hard time letting things go. I don't know, I think I would have liked it if I heard that she actually had a hard time letting me go; I would have liked to hear that her life went to shit after dumping me, but apparently that's not the case. I know that me wishing these things makes me an asshole, a selfish guy and somewhat sadistic. I own it and believe me, I'm trying to erase these ideas.

These things led me to believe that, maybe, it would be better to never learn anything about her for as long as I live. Maybe the best thing to do is just, eliminate everything of her and act like she just died and there is nothing left of her for me to get a hold on. I already blocked her everywhere, lost her number and I'm seriously considering cutting all contac with these two mutual friends. I'm somewhat close with one of them, so I know it will be horrible, but compared to the pain that I went through these seven months, I think it would be a piece of cake.

The only thing stopping me is...well, the fear that I'm making a mistake. Maybe I'm just being weak. Maybe running away and ignoring the grudge is the easy but unhealthy answer. Maybe I will become a worse person for kicking two friends out of my life when they aren't even responsible for anything that has happened to me. Maybe I'm just a coward. But I really, REALLY want the pain, the guilt and the shame to stop. What should I do?

I (22M) met my partner (23F) 10 months ago, and we started dating 8 months ago. 10 months ago she just stopped taking testosterone (she used to be a trans-man), before me she only dated women. The conflict is concentrated around sexuality/identity and sex. Before we got into a relationship (as friends) I told her I was bisexual myself but mostly attracted to women, and given her own sexual/gender identity I thought that was fine? We also discussed me owning toys, which includes dildos, and this is all relevant to the conflict. 

During the early months of the relationship, there was very much the dynamic of playing with gender roles, we watched porn together, and did sexual activity involving afformentioned toys. So I assumed toys, watching porn together, and masturbation were part of the relationship (and she even said at some point that porn isn't cheating). But over time I think she grew more insecure about everything, and 3 months ago she told me its about who I slept with previously.

Before we got into a relationship I also let her know I had 2 hookups with men and 1 with a woman a few years ago, and thats my entire sexual experience. She said that since the start of the relationship, the idea of me sleeping with men has been eating at her, and now she constantly makes remarks about how I am just going to cheat on her with a man. She also developed extreme homophobia, claims to be "ex-gay" and 100% straight now, that bisexual people aren't real, doesn't want me to be bisexual, how me sleeping with 600 women would be less bad than 2 men, etc. All over the last few months, and I think (corroborated by her own statements) its all about my previous hookups causing her to change her mind so radically.

Most recently, she said she changed her mind that actually porn IS cheating, the toys all have to go because she doesn't want a "gay man", and I cannot masturbate solo because that means she doesn't satisfy me or something, that she considers it cheating. So this is all a very radical shift away from the beginning of the relationship, but ok, different strokes for different folks.

I said I can compromose with some of these demands but not all: I won't watch any porn, whatever. I won't use the toys unless its us together doing it. But I should be allowed to self-pleasure solo without it being considered cheating, maybe with some restrictions like "if it isn't displacing partnered intimacy" or something. I personally think having a bubble just for yourself and self-pleasure is fine and normal, and not everything must be partnered activity always.

She says that she must be present in the room, or else its cheating, that there is no room for a "private sex life" in a commited relationship. Both she and I expressed at various points in the last month that if the sexual stuff isn't resolved then we are breaking up. But then she has an unbeatable dialouge:

"so dildos and jerking off are more important to you than me?" 

or "you would choose anything in this world over me"

or "if you love someone you usually give things up for them"

and like, in the strictest sense the first one is true, if two things are put head to head, and you choose one, then the other is less important??? but I feel like its an unfair comparison. and why should I be the one to give things up here for love? I think there is some kind of humiliation involved in making someone say "I prefer jerking off over you".

Point is, if this doesn't get resolved I can accept the breakup, but those phrases are stuck in my head. I don't know what to say to them.

TL;DR; : Insecurity causes girlfriend to declare masturbation is cheating, and wants me to verbalise "I prefer jerking off over you" if we are going to break up over it; I don't think thats a fair characterisation but don't know with what to respond. 

I just broke no contact we talk during a few messages was nice talk about life , made her laugh . But obviously im more responsable than her , i still hope i can fix thing on the long run . Im Just thinking ,when im gonna reach out again

I went through a breakup (5 year relationship) about 2.5 months ago. It was absolutely devastating.

Before the breakup we were both invited to our mutual friend’s wedding.

That friend reached out to me and assured me that I was the one invited—so I wouldn’t run into my ex at the event.

The thing is….I really don’t feel like going to a wedding right now. And maybe that’s selfish because it’s not about me at all. The breakup happened bc my ex couldn’t see themselves getting married to me—that was like the primary message I got, which hurts a lot.

What would you do if you were in my position?

Edit: I know this friend through work, we aren’t super close but I see them often

I’m currently one month after we broke up. It was a pretty toxic relationship, we dated for a year and a half, senior year of highschool to sophomore year in college. She was my first everything my first love and I was her too but we ended on pretty bad terms. 2 weeks after the break up we met up and talked and just clarified things out. She had told me she seeing this guy about a week after the break up and was planning on dating him. I was pretty sad hearing that cause in my eyes she was my everything. anyways I learned to deal with it and move on and be happy for her. I still think about her everyday and i actually deleted all my social media so i wouldn’t stalk her which did help me heal. I’m just curious is it possible to get back with an ex? Her and I shared a bond like no other, those year and half with her felt like we were married. I know it’s unlikely and I probably will move on and find someone different but has it ever happened, especially if the relationship was toxic?

I know it is very hard from moving on from an ex boyfriend but I was wondering that if you can ignore every red flag for that guy and still remember him for years and also sometimes think to be together again what would be one information or news about him that will make you stop missing him and that is a non negotiable like if that is actually true you never miss him again and start hating him. I was so curious about this as I have seen girls who cannot move on. So please answer me any response would be helpful

Do people actually tell eachother "I want no contact with you" or is it just kind of implied when you stop talking?

We (23F 25M) broke up a week ago. We were together for 3.5 yrs and are renting an apartment - he decided to move out. We used to share a lot of stuff, including a charger for our Apple watches. On the second day after the breakup, I went to put my watch to charge, only to see that he has taken the cable out. The cable is his and the charging block is mine. Okay, no problem, no need to make a scene, since he has taken what is his. One thing I forgot about is that I lent him my charging cable for his phone, since his broke. Fast forward to yesterday night. He started packing his belongings. I went out for a drive since I couldn’t bear to stay in the apartment while he was packing. I came back after 2 hrs at 12 AM, only to see that he has taken every single thing that is his. Even the magnets, ones we bought together.
And now I’m wondering - should I take my charging cable back? I think it’s pretty petty, but considering the things he has selectively packed, including the charging cable for our watches… I don’t know.

He was kinda of an avoidant for our whole relationship and even though i was super sad throughout the relationship i still wanted him to work it out. He dumped me after i said what he did was super disrespectful.

And altough HE dumped me i still missed him so much and i said "i still want to talk to you, if you don't that's okay" he said "you don't have to think about that right now, you can always message me and call me". He was low key offended when i cut my ties with him on everything except his number. He said "i can pull it off it doesn't matter. But we're grown ups so i won't delete your number". What do these even mean?

We recently broke up and live together, neither of us can really afford to move out or find another place to live so we are stuck with each other for months to come. We see each other everyday, sleep in the same room, sometimes eat dinner together but it obviously isn't how it used to be. He is cold and unbothered with no emotional engagement while I sob every other minute to the lost warmth between us. Dating an avoidant person who could just flip a switch the moment we broke up is devastating especially for someone like me who feels everything VERY intensely. I can't imagine not planning my life with him, or that I will eventually have to forget he even exists and live my life. Every moment I still get to be around him reminds me that it's all over and I am as alone as I can be despite sharing the house with him still while he continues his life and lives his days like I never mattered :(

Im probably an a*hole because im the dumper.. I love him but I broke up because we drifted away and he took me for granted after 10+ years, but he started dating someone else after 3 weeks only!!!

I want him to be happy and find somebody that better fits him, but couldn’t he take a few months to heal?! If this relationship ends up working, it just means what we had wasn’t that important, because how else would you forget all our years and just walk to the next best thing?! If this had started after 6 months I could understand.. but 3 weeks?! Come on!

For context, she broke up with me and I truly believe if you ended the relationship you should reach out. I just need to let this out in the world without sending it to her directly..

My last message to you finally. I accepted it and to be honest I hate it. You never were truly the girl I knew at the end, you stopped believing in us and me and that's what hurts more than anything else. Thank you for everything. The love and the pain. I embrace them both. I hope my distance brings you peace (name). I hope it brings you happiness, safety, and freedom. From day one thats all I ever wanted to give. My absolute everything. I've tried my best more than you will ever know. I wanted you to feel appreciated and loved. Most of all, valued. I wanted to show you that I was your biggest fan because I believed in you so much. I tried to take the weight off of your shoulders not because you asked but because it's what I felt I needed to do as your man and it's just what I do for my woman. All I want now is for you to chase your dreams and accomplish everything you can in dance. I can say I hate you, I can say I want you to fail. The truth is I'd be lying. There's nothing more I want for you than to see you reach your goals no matter what they are. To be honest I've sacrificed a lot to be with you.. my boundaries, my morals, and my dignity just to make this work that I abandoned myself in the process. Looking at it from the outside now we just were never meant for each other. We have two totally different lifestyles. There are things that are okay for one but not for the other. And that's okay! This is not a feel bad moment it's just a realization that I needed for myself. Your absence from my life hurts more than anything else I have ever experienced. I will survive it as I always do and continue moving forward while still wishing you the brightest days for your future. That to me is the difference between love and hate. I'll never say I hate you. I can confidently leave this chapter knowing I gave it every single thing I had and whatever I didn't have I was willing to try and get. It's crazy how you can wake up one day and just lose your absolute everything but that's life. It happens. I was fighting a long time on whether or not I should send you this. Everybody told me don't reach out but I'm not everybody. I'm me. That's what makes me different. I'm not expecting a response nor is one necessary. I'm putting my thoughts on paper. These past 14 days have been rough.. very rough but I also understand this was not a show up at your house and everything would be magically fixed. It takes two people in a relationship to make it work. All I can say is I wish you just came to me sooner on what was bothering you. I'll always be rooting for you on the outside. I hope to see your name in the lights someday I believe you deserve it. I'll forever love you but I needed to say this for myself.

Love me

- Charles Bukowski

I’m currently going through a breakup with my boyfriend of 4 years. Anyone going through similar and want to chat to relate and support each other?

really need to know, need some light

Pretty much the title. The person you fell in love with no longer exists. The person you're begging to, trying to convince and pining for, they're somebody totally different in the same skin. It's not worth it. Mourn for a month, mourn for a year, but mourn them like they're dead and f*cking move on. You have a worth, a soul, a conscience and a life it live to its fullest.