recently found out that 10 years ago, in 2017, my wife met up with an old high‑school crush specifically to give him a BJ. At the time, we were married, living together, and raising our 3 kids. We had some issues, but we were not separated.

I only discovered this recently because I received a strange phone call from someone pretending to be the man she met. They said they needed to talk to me about my wife. I told them we could talk in person and hung up. They texted afterward, but I ignored it. About four weeks later, I called and texted the number back, and the person denied ever calling me and gave a different name.

When I told my wife about the original call, she panicked, had a full panic attack, acted strange, and denied everything. Right after that, she suddenly started giving me extra attention and being unusually affectionate. A week later, she broke down and admitted a small part of the story — saying she only started a BJ, stopped after a minute, and left. She didn’t apologize until I pointed out she hadn’t said sorry.

Later, I found out more because I was able to talk directly to the man she met (not the person who called me). He told me they had been flirting for months, she offered him the BJ, and he drove over 50 miles to meet her. He said they kissed, he felt her up, and he sucked her breasts. After the meetup, she offered to meet again and do more, but he declined. He also told me that nobody knew about what happened, and that he and my wife agreed back then to never tell anyone.

Back in 2017, on the day she met him, her coworker even called me saying my wife had left work unexpectedly and asked me to go find her. When I confronted her at the time, she got angry, called me paranoid, and never admitted anything.

Now that the truth is out, she says she wants therapy and wants to work things out because of the kids. She’s suddenly doing everything I’ve wanted in the bedroom for years, dressing up, being kind, giving attention, and fixing herself up when we go out — things she refused to do for the last decade.

I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together 15 years. I feel like the last 10 years were fake because she hid this and was cold toward me during that time. About 10% of me wants to stay and try to fix it, but 90% of me wants to leave.

For those who stayed after infidelity — was it worth it?
For those who left and started over — was it worth it?

We’re in our 40s, and our kids are teens and one young adult. I’m looking for honest experiences and advice.

I’ll try and keep this short, but I’d really appreciate any advice or insight.

The affair was discovered 5 years ago, I wanted to reconcile but my spouse decided they wanted to be with AP. They’re still together now.

It took me a long time to heal, and it roughly went like this post seperation…
Year 1: sleeping around to numb the pain.
Year 2/3: trying to date for a relationship. Ultimately decided as this was pointless and I was better off on my own. Had a few shorter term dating experiences during this, (longest was 4 months haha). I never really felt a spark with any of these people and ultimately deciddd to go back to casual. A relationship clearly just isn’t for me right now.
Year 4: whilst casually dating I unexpectedly met my new partner.

I wasn’t looking for anything serious but my new partner is absolutely everything I’m looking for, and it’s like the heavens just dropped them in front of me. We’ve been together for a year now and it’s the happiest I’ve been for a long time. I know I still have wounds from the affair, I’ve tried my best not to put that onto my new partner but have explained that I need to take things slowly. They’ve been so patient, kind and considerate of this.

But even after a year together, we’ve not said ‘I love you’. I haven’t spoken those words to anyone since my ex spouse.

I imagine my partner is probably waiting for me to say it first. I’ve spoken about taking things slowly and for the past year they’ve generally let me take the lead on the pace of this relationship.

But I’m struggling to say it. I know I love them, and I trust them, but my wounds run deeply within me. Hearing them say it first would almost give me permission and reassurance to say it - but I also worry that if that happens I’ll have a mental block and won’t be able to say it back.

Or if they are waiting for me to say it first, how will I ever get around to saying it?

Any experiences of this would be so appreciated. How have you guys navigated love in a new relationship?

I (26F) just found out that my husband (25m) cheated on me a year into our relationship, 2 and a half years ago. He got a new phone recently, and while he was at work I went through his old one that he had not reset. I found text messages from two and a half years ago with a somewhat co worker. Sexting and eventually planning a meet up which did occur.

For background, ever since I met him he has traveled for work. Every month for about a week. At the point in time that he cheated, he had told me he loved me, given me a promise ring, and moved me to a new state with him away from my home town and family, with the intent of starting a life together.

I can’t stop replaying the text messages and picturing him touching her and then coming home and touching me while I had no idea what he had done. If I hadn’t found it myself I never would have known. We are married and have a son now. I feel like he stole choices from me, because I made them uninformed. I truly loved him with everything in me. I bragged about him to everyone about what a good partner he was. He was my best friend and my favorite person in the entire world, and now I feel like I never really knew him.

The texts were graphic, and he initiated many of them. They planned meeting up for days, one of them always getting pulled into a task at work until eventually they made it happen. He had so many chances to choose not to do this to me. I just don’t understand.

He took full accountability when I confronted him. He seems genuinely remorseful and has begged me to let him try to fix this. I want to, because I can’t imagine my life without him. But I feel like I’m grieving the man I thought I knew and the relationship I thought I had. I don’t know how to ever get past this. I don’t want to be plagued with these mental images for the rest of my life. I have never felt this devastated.

To make matters worse, our son is 7 months old and exclusively breastfed. I have barely been able to eat or drink for days, and my body is in fight or flight. I am terrified I’m going to lose the ability to feed my son.

I don’t really know if I’m asking for advice, or just venting. I just don’t know what to do, I’ve never felt this low, and I don’t know if I will ever be okay again.

Howdy. So... Yeah. Pretty much the title. It's been a year and I definitely feel like I need to get back "out there," for the sake of my own needs and desires for a household. Not looking for a mother to raise my kid, but really want to start working towards a place that feels like a home again. Down the road of course, not jumping the gun lol.

But... I'm really struggling with feeling like this is a good time to do so. I'm a single dad to a 3yo, I work full-time, have my daughter a little more than every other week, and I'm in trade school two nights of the week. Family and daycare is a blessing I'm so much more than just thankful for.

That being said, I feel like a: I don't have the time for a relationship. B: I don't have the money for one (be honest, it does require money). C: I hyperanalyze everything now, because of infidelity and still being in survival mode. And d: I don't know if my PTSD from the last experience is still too much of a barrier- between trust issues and fear of bringing the "wrong person" around my daughter down the road.

I've made several dating profiles, deleted them all inadvertantly, remade them, gained a FWB I've had for a few months now (helps in a number of ways, actually) and I feel like I've made no progress towards dating again since a year ago. I make more money, have a routine, my daughter feels seen and loved-- these are all BIG wins considering the starting place everyone here assumably knows about. And I still feel both a yearning for a meaningful relationship but am terrified at the thought of one: the commitment, the resources, the default amount of stress that now comes with... And yeah. I was talking to someone for a few weeks, but schedules were hard to mesh together for a date and she wound up being a catch-and-release.

This is all to say- how TF do I know when I'm ready to get back into dating again? How do I move on beyond being scared of putting faith in the wrong person- especially when I have a daughter now? In my head I can start dating when I live in my own place (been staying with family the past year), for the sake of stability and pride. But idk if that's reasonable or an excuse I'm feeding myself at this point... What are your thoughts? How did you bring yourself back into the dating realm? And how do you make yourself feel like enough to present yourself to a new potential partner?... Honestly I'm still struggling with that one pretty heavily. The self-worth is better, but still way low. Especially as a man who's struggling so hard to provide and has this emotional baggage and a baby mama. How do you get past the fear of failure, and feeling like one yourself?

***Tldr: it's been a year since infidelity and divorce, I want to get into dating again but am terrified of what that means, and don't think I have the time/ money/ value to be a good potential partner. Thoughts, advice, and encouragement appreciated.

AP is on his witness list for trial. STBXH just messaged me saying my child repeated to him that I had called AP ugly. He’s now saying he’s going to put an antidisparmment clause in place. I’m sick.

I discovered the affair on 9/7 by seeing some text messages.. Now that he is being open and I can look at his phone whenever and keeps his location on for me. I have been looking through random apps. I looked at purchase history on chickfila lol and noticed he was always ordering salads and diet lemonade the last couple months with his regular order (he doesn't like salad, it was for her). I also noticed he bought her a birthday cake 2 days before our anniversary, I didn't get anything for my birthday or anniversary because he was "busy" I also noticed anytime he went to Costco he was always taking her a salad back to work without her asking. The signs are there 💔

He fell out of love with me after our first child was born and I suffered post partum. He started cheating..

We had a long conversation last night. Our marriage is definitely over, he told me he stopped loving me a long time ago and he wants better for his life.

I’m his second wife and this is his second divorce.

We had problems and I know that. We had blended family issues, he had 40 reptiles in our basement that I didn’t want and he was unhappy.

My pregnancy was high risk, my son almost died. I had to go on bed rest for 3 months. He resented that because I couldn’t do anything and he wanted help with his daughter from his previous marriage. After my son was born I experienced extreme post partum depression. In all honesty I didn’t recognize myself. I needed him and I need his help. I no longer wanted all those reptiles in the house with an infant.

He became unhappy and started having affairs. He kept half of them from me and things blew up 10 years later.

He told me I changed and he didn’t love me anymore after the birth of our son and he wants better. He doesn’t care about me or love me anymore.

It hurts, I’m trying to understand how someone snaps their fingers and falls out of love.

It didn’t help that he was in love with his affair partner.

Emotionally maimed. 7 years together, engaged to be married. He has been sexting online. Sending explicit photos of himself.

I noticed because he sent me a photo that had a white line at the bottom of it. I swiped up after saving it and the image data says “screenshot- Samsung internet.”

He lied to my face when I calmly confronted but I saw the tears welling in his eyes right away. It took about 5 minutes for him to finally admit it. He then said he was panicking and that’s why he lied.

I stated that I need to see the profile and messages so I can 1) identify how long this has been going on and 2) see whether it ever escalated to IRL.

He said no right away, and has maintained this answer. “It won’t help anything.” That hurts considering I stated that seeing it is our only hope. He knows he’s busted so anything I get now will be cherry-picked and filtered anyway.

I’m getting an STD panel done and processing this for a few days before I can start figuring out logistics. Pets, new lease, immense financial stress, and so much more. Sleeping in a separate bedroom. Doing 180 and taking care of myself as best I can.

Emotional ups and downs ranging from blaming me, to crying and begging to stay together (even though he already declined the one thing I said I needed for that to be even remotely possible.)

What’s killing me more than his awful actions of going behind my back is the lying to my face. I thought that we had built a beautiful and wholesome life. Our sex life has always been impeccable and fun. “Best friends” who do everything together. Sigh.

I’m almost out of tears to cry…I hope. Guys, this fucking sucks. I’m sure this has been going on for longer than I want to admit to myself, and has likely gone further than I wish to admit as well. His pride and his secrets are more valuable than I am. This would have kept on going had I not noticed the cropped image, and that is terrifying.

He would leave his phone out openly 24/7 because we had trust. But now he’s safeguarding it AFTER being caught.

I met a guy and we fell madly in love very quickly. This was new for me because at the age of 42 this had never happened to me before. I usually have walls up and it takes a while to bring them down. However, we just clicked.

We met in October 2025 so we spent the holidays together and even his birthday in January of the next year.

One night in Feb while he was sleeping something told me to look through his phone. I had seen him use his passcode that day and used it to get in. What I discovered shattered me. Not only had he been texting sexually explicit messages and photos to other people but he had also been using drugs and contacting numerous drug dealers. All from the first month of our relationship.

We had a horrific breakup that night and I didn’t talk to him for 5 months…..but I thought about him everyday.

I finally reached out July 4th weekend and we’ve been back together ever since. He apologized for his part and had started going to 12 step meetings after we broke up and had been sober ever since. He had also quit his toxic job and started working at aplace that provided him a better work life balance. He had seemed to make a lot of positive changes in his life.

It’s been 4 months and things have mostly been good…was challenging at first to talk about it my hurt without him getting defensive but we have learned to be able to. We have been in couples counseling every other week and that seems to help too.

What’s bugging me is that for some reason this week I had a new thought the first time… “what if I never trust him again?” Despite all his changes and transparency I find myself still in doubt sometimes/often, still wondering, and still frustrated with the situation he has put us in. I communicate this to him and he replies by saying he knows building trust will take time and he’s willing to do what needs to be done Good on paper….but for some reason not working/feeling satisfying.

For context I’m 42 cis gay male and he’s 35 cis gay male.

Looking for any advice, suggestions, similar experiences, ideas.

Thank you for reading.

I had been dating a guy for a few months at this point he had told me he loved me every day and asked me to marry him many times. Whirlwind, I know. We met in my country and I had traveled internationally to see him and we had a trip scheduled at this point for him to meet my parents and ask for their permission to propose to me.

When I saw some things during his visit to meet my parents I asked him about them. His explanations were weird, but he gave me his phone number as reassurance. I went through and found these messages with a “friend.”

What makes this feel so shifty is that I have since found out she has a boyfriend. She said nothing would have happened and they are friends. So he says they were silly childish messages since nothing would have happened.

He also messaged another ex at this time to plan a trip to visit her country. She used a “;)” in the planning. He also was saving dozens of photos a day of models throughout our relationship while telling me I’m the most beautiful woman in the world and he barely notices women anymore.

Can you please tell me if this is normal in Europe or something? Because this is objectively infidelity to me. What’s happening now is I am having panic attacks and want to go to therapy together, but he does not. I have broken it off already numerous times but he never agrees to end it and says he loves me very much. This is very painful.

Monday, June 29
Boyfriend — 22:40
Would I have been allowed to hold hands with you if we went on that trip?
Female — Reaction: 👍
Female — 22:40
I'm off to sleep now
Boyfriend — 22:41
[Replying to female’s earlier message: "As we spoon"]
Such a nice idea from you
Tuesday, June 30
Boyfriend — 20:53
Back in town ok?
Female — 21:01
Yeh thanks, landed this morning and been asleep all day. Do you have any other holiday plans for this year?
Boyfriend — 22:40
Not really (he was planning to visit me multiple times)
Wednesday, July 1
Female — 12:25
Oh
Phone owner — 12:25
Apart from a hope to see you again
Obviously
How's your evening been?

It has been 5 years since my past relationship and I have been fucked in the head ever since. I was in a relationship with what I now think was high functioning psychopath.

We have been in a relationship for about 3-4 years and I only now realize that she probably cheated on me and lied to me throughout fixed periods of the relationship without me knowing. To be more precise I think she used me as an object in her sick sexual fantasies.

This started surfacing when I started doing shadow work and looking at unresolved wounds that still torment me to this day.

It all comes to this one moment I remember that probably started it all. There was this one day I remember visiting her at her new back then room she got in the city she studied in. It was early stage of dating we were in.

Now that day my subconcious picked something up in the vibe and in the way she acted towards me. Also I remember after kissing her that something felt funny like things didn't add up. I cant explain it was the taste of the kiss and the atmosphere of the room. I now realize that prior to me somewhere was there before me. So that is how I found myself being duped into a 3,5 year relationship that was entirely founded on a psychopathic abuse or what I found to be at the receiving end of dupers delight.

Few years ago I started watching these weird porn themes around humiliation which I never really understood why.

I now realize that I suffered some sort of betrayal and I just don't know how to heal from it. The problem with this is that this happened entirely outside my knowledge. Essentially where she played me behind my back and stabbed me or perversely exposed me to her sick fantasy what feels like caused irreversible damage to my psyche.

I was hoping to find anyone that can relate to what I experienced who wish to share their story and if there are any people who have healed from this.

My husband cheated on my for roughly a year 2024-2025. I had our son in Dec 2024. I didn’t discover his cheating until July of 2025. I confronted him, he admitted to everything. He was remorseful for some of it but I don’t think he genuinely felt guilty over his actions. I put boundaries in place and we both have been in individual therapy. Until in August he just stopped going which made his mental health deteriorate because he wasn’t able to get his meds. (He’s a veteran) I should’ve known then that was the first red flag. Then I noticed he started turning his body away from me on the couch so I couldn’t see his phone. My hyper vigilance noticed the red flag instantly. I went through his phone and found he was looking at men in the same state we live in. And he was looking at couples. He said he did it because he was mad at me and wanted to see what was out there. Since finding this I just feel so cold, so numb. All the fear, anxiety, stress, self-blame, and rage I experienced when I first discovered came like a freight train.

I’m scared because I’m a stay at home mom. I don’t have a job, I don’t have money to fall back on. The only thing I have is the house is in my name. I got accepted back into college which I will get a stipend for because of VA spousal benefits. But I’m even more terrified because if we divorce I can not afford college. I’m worried about taking loans out simply because I just don’t have any job. I’ve applied to several places and I just keep getting nothing.

I don’t know what to do anymore… I hate myself for choosing to stay the first time.

I’ve been going through months of r with my ws. He trickle-truthed me pretty badly. The affair was brutal. I have my own therapist, and we have a couple’s therapist, but I’m barely holding it together. I know I’m not special. I know that more people than not have been cheated on. Yet, I can’t hold on like the majority of people who have been through this. I suffered from trauma before this happened, and I spent years trying to work on that. I was doing better in that regard, but with this new realization that my partner is capable of so much awfulness, I am lost.

It’s very long so if you don’t want to read, I understand.

You don’t have to respond to this. If you do, that’s fine. I’m just writing it so it’s something you can read and think about. No malice. You’re going to need a lot of time to think. Please use it wisely and listen to people who will be honest. Most importantly, never run away from the truth to alleviate your guilt. It’ll set you back years

I’ve taken a lot of time to write this and a lot of people who have been in my situation are helping me understand things. I won’t talk about what we already know because I’ve gone over that in exhaustive detail so I’ll talk about something more nuanced.

Throughout our relationship, I feel as though you were never content. If I gave you 99%, you were always searching for that 1%. Nothing was enough for you. Even if I had given you the world, you’d have asked for the universe next and every mistake I made felt like the world collapsing to you. I was never enough for you but the reality is you needed to be enough for yourself. You needed to be there for you but you never did that. You never showed up for yourself. I was tasked with showing up for you when you couldn’t do it. I did it without question but It was a job far beyond my capabilities alone as the average person. Especially when I also needed you to show up for me too. Honestly, you also need to go to therapy. Church will help but it won’t solve everything. You need someone to talk you through some things about yourself. 

It was obvious you had insecurities from your childhood and you had problems with your self image. I loved you inside and out and I reassured you that you were the most beautiful woman on earth. That you were capable of any and everything but I don’t think you ever believed that so nothing I did was enough for you. 

You always needed more. To fill a void inside that could never be filled. You could never be comfortable. Your mind always trapped you in thought loops. You’d ask yourself “what if I get old and he doesn’t like me anymore” or “I don’t look like the other girls so surely he’ll want them at some point”. “He’s getting tired of me so he’ll eventually leave me”. It’s true; you’d have gotten older and I’d still see the woman I fell in love with all of those years ago. If I got tired of you, I’d wake up and fix the springs on our mattress. You don’t look like the other girls because you were above them in every single way. You just never believed in yourself. Ever. 

And the problem with needing more to fill a void is that you have to be able to give as well but you just never gave in equal amounts. I would pour more and more of myself into you and our relationship but you’d never meet me halfway. It was evident when I would get left hanging whenever we had conflicts. I needed someone to fight with me but it felt like you only fought for what mattered to you first and foremost instead of what mattered to both of us at that moment. 

You could never give me the same intensity. I told you I loved you first. You told me it was too soon. The truth is we were always operating on different levels, even back then. However, I expected you to meet me halfway at some point but it never happened. We never felt like a team. Like it was never us against the world which baffled me cause you came to me and showed me that the world was not kind to you growing up and I basically told you “fuck what the world thinks, you are extraordinary to me and I’ll be standing in your corner always” but that wasn’t enough. You needed the world to love you. It honestly felt as though our interests never aligned and we never fought for our common goals with the same veracity. It was never an us versus them mentality. You let the crowd take advantage of you even though that same crowd ostracised you your entire life 

I understand we lost steam and you said that losing the spark is the end of a relationship but that isn’t true. Do you think that people in 20 year relationships never lost the spark? That glimmer in the eye or that cheeky smile? The truth is that relationships are about constantly evolving. People in the relationship need to change with each other, not on their own. It ties back into what I said about fighting. We went through a very rough patch. You fight for what you love. I fought tooth and nail where I could. You were ready to leave because you wanted to change outside of the relationship and you didn’t bother to tell me or fight for us. That’s actually messed up

The harsh reality is that you didn’t fight with me and then you’d pick and choose your fights. Fights that I think you chose because you were maybe fed up of being in a relationship and needed an escape point. Whether that’s true or not is up to you to think about but from where I’m standing, the constant berating, yelling at me about even dropping a teaspoon on your kitchen floor tells me you everything I need to know. That wasn’t normal. You and I both know that. It was maybe a sign that either you were done or you needed to start fighting.

That leads me into my next point: if you felt as though you couldn’t do it anymore (which would’ve been really bad but understandable; for you at least), why didn’t you tell me? Why not break up with me or better yet, talk to me. Fight for us because life is not a romance sex novel or a fantasy book. I’m not a character in a book. I’m a person with problems of my own and you’re a person with problems too. Our relationship cannot be measured up to every  relationship goals Twitter post you see or every book you read. All of that is smoke and mirrors, it is not real. I wish you’d love me like Bella Swan loves Edward Cullen but I know that isn’t real so why would I expect you to live up to impossible standards? 

You spent so much time comparing yourself to others and focusing on what you don’t have that you lost out on everything that was amazing about us, about me. You were chasing what you didn’t have instead of trying to fight for what you needed, instead of being happy with what we had. When you’re not happy, you fight to be even happier next time. You don’t chase a temporary high because you lose everything doing that. You lost everything doing that right now. I don’t think you truly grasp the magnitude of what we lost. The stability, the love, how much we understood each other. So much more. Everything that we meant to each other. Gone

You will find another guy but you won’t find another me. You will never find a person who was so loving, so passionate, so smitten by you. A person who took so much time to understand you and who centred his entire world around you. A person who was unequivocally and completely head over heels for you. A person who’s loyalty to you could not be questioned, not even for a second. A person who’d fight off everything for you. A person who stood in your corner unapologetically, no matter what. A person who’d lay down his life for you without hesitation and wrap you around his arms to shield you from the world. You could’ve had what your engaged friend had but you’ve squandered it massively. 

And not to be bleak but honestly, you will look for me in every man you are with but you will never find me. I know because my heart is rare. You can’t find my heart everywhere, let alone the unwavering, militant loyalty I had for you. You will chase that 1% I didn’t give you all of your life but the other 99% I gave you is gone. There are also a few people who live by their virtues but can still understand that they are flawed. Even fewer people live by a virtue in any case. Meaning there are good men out there but they are the self righteous ones because they don’t understand their flawed nature. That is the difference. 

That is before you factor in that many men are skeptical of cheaters in general and the good men usually don’t even entertain it. Many men have been hurt by women just like I’ve been hurt by you and the ones who haven’t hear stories like mine all the time from their hurt friends. We are all skeptical of women. Not just those who’ve been cheated on.  I’m not saying that to scare you but I’m just telling you so you know the world you’re going to be reintegrating into now. You also best be careful because there are men who will exploit your weaknesses and insecurities for sex. You think you’re immune to it until you fall for all of it. Don’t become that type of woman. You are even more susceptible to your insecurities now than you were before 

You have this idea that I’m the self righteous one but the truth is that I live and die by my principles. I’d never break them. That’s why I think of myself in those situations because there is only one Lisa but that is where it stops. I know I am very flawed and I have made it a point to emphasise that to you countless times. 

What you failed to understand about our relationship is that we met as kids. We are not kids anymore. That never meant we were destined to depart. It meant that we were supposed to grow together. To evolve. That is how relationships work. We work through difficult times together, no matter how high the next hurdle is. You never even helped me with the minor to medium hurdles and that brought fatigue along the way. You didn’t even adapt the way you deal with conflict to better suit our evolving relationship and you didn’t even grow as a person past maybe the first 2 years. You said it yourself perfectly; “I’m 22, I should be allowed to make mistakes”. Yeah that works if you’re 19 but you’re a young adult now. You will now be held accountable for your mistakes. 

Now, if you really cared about how your infidelity affected me, you’d have never left me to pick up the pieces of your mess on my own. You say you care but you were willing to jump ship immediately after you realised you weren’t going to get what you wanted. You begged me and grovelled for me to take you back for less than 4 days and then when you realised that wasn’t happening, your entire demeanour changed. You became cold. 

Can you also imagine leaving someone you were in love with for 5 years to fend for themselves after only 3 weeks? Like even if I didn’t take you back, you’d have to be feeling enough remorse to want to be there for me regardless of what my decision is. Yeah you were there physically but you checked out the day I told you I don’t want you back. That’s messed up. You won’t even bother to just check on me, even just a text like “are you okay?” or “how are you today”. I didn’t need much from you. I just needed to see that you actually cared. Your actions speak volumes

You knew I would’ve never taken you back so why did you stop wanting to be there for me emotionally after I broke up with you? Why were you so willing to leave me on my own? Why were you so cold to me afterwards? You can’t have both. You can’t hurt someone and then also expect them to take you back.  

It’s so selfish to expect someone you hurt so much  to “stop crying” and “not be mean” to you after you’ve betrayed them. Everything I did may have been bad and misguided but none of it was unexpected. You weaponised my hurt to minimise your guilt and that is the most messed up thing anyone can do in this situation ever. Not only did you sit there and listen to me apologise to you, you whole heartedly believed you were owed that apology after cheating on me. You watched me spiral and you used every single word against me, knowing that I was so hurt. 

I’ll never forget how I was told to stop crying and the annoyance you had at me feeling emotional about everything. The way you treated me throughout this entire process. How low I felt telling you I’ll stop crying and then you kept on berating me asking me “why are you crying” or “I can’t do this, I have work tomorrow”. At least what I said to you was all expected. It was expected because it’s how the betrayed react to the betrayer. Go and ask anyone who’s ever been cheated on and they’ll tell you. It’s not justified but there is always context to those words and no one who was cheated on means what they say in those moments. It’s always in retaliation to either the cheater’s actions afterwards or being cheated on. 

You used our relationship as a shield to deflect blame. I’ll never forget that. I’ll never forget how I apologised for what I did wrong because I deluded myself to think that maybe I contributed to you cheating. The truth is that we both had problems. No one should cheat and then blame the other person’s faults for their selfish actions. I’ve already said that one but it needs to be reiterated 

Your guilt is speaking. Thats why I asked if you’re guilty or remorseful. I think I answered the question. You’re feeling guilty. I’ve said it before. When you do something awful to someone, sometimes the guilt is too much to bear so you try to redistribute even a tiny bit of it to make yourself feel better. What I didn’t mention and what I didn’t understand at the time is that guilt can also make a person very emotionally cold. It’s a way to deal with the negative emotions that come with guilt. You are feeling guilt more than anything. You haven’t felt remorse as much yet and you will. It’ll come flooding down. That’s why you need to prepare yourself by being honest with yourself. Forgiving yourself and so with that you need to hear this again: 

The biggest theme throughout our relationship has been that you were never content with anything. If I gave you 99%, you were always searching for that 1%. Nothing was enough for you. Even if I had given you the world, you’d have asked for the universe next and every mistake I made felt like the world collapsing to you. I was never enough for you but the truth is you needed to be enough for yourself. You needed to be there for you but you never did that. Learn to be there for yourself. It’s the only way you will learn to be grounded in who you are. 

I do hope you find what you’re looking for out there
Take care

I hate that I can’t shake this constant feeling like my wife is always doing something behind my back. Whether it’s texting another guy late or phone calls when I’m not there or traveling to meeting up with this one guy, again when I’m not there or traveling for work, it’s a constant state of being on high alert.

She swears she’s doing nothing wrong and the guy is just a coworker and a friend (yeah right). How would she feel if I was hiding text or even just texting another woman at 11m or sending kiss emojis (like she has to him) to her or hanging out with another woman behind her back. Especially one she’s never heard of or that I mentioned before.

How would she feel if I was talking about her behind her back to this woman (she has done this to me on many occasions). Or if I brought our daughter to meet her (wife did this with our daughter and brought her to her job to meet him) and she gave her a hug (like he did our daughter on multiple occasions and my daughter felt it was weird).

She has even said she missed him in text, but will never mention him discussion. She apparently tells him everything and I feel threatened and like I’m being pushed aside. I’m extremely uncomfortable with her relationship with him and she gets mad if I bring it up.

Just not fair that I feel this way all the time. It’s. I way to live but I need her healthcare benefits, we have a kid together and we have some much financially intertwined. Just don’t feel like I’m married anymore. I feel like I’m second fiddle regardless of what I’ve done.

Just helps me to get this out.

I am a severe overthinker. How do you stop thinking and dwelling on every little detail. How do you accept you were used and discarded. How do you get the physical pain out of your chest. I just want to stop thinking of it. I want to stop looking for answers.

I'm posting this here to get it off my chest. I found out 3 weeks ago that my husband cheated on me one night a couple months ago. I'm currently 8 months pregnant and we have a 2 year old. We were out celebrating his friend with a group of his friends including an ex. I can be suspicious/insecure rarely, but it was an ex from 20 years ago who is also married, not particularly attractive, and so I didn't think anything of her. I also chatted with her and her husband for a while and then went home around 8 because I was tired (had some pregnancy related health problems at this time). I encouraged my husband to stay out with them because he's said before he feels like he never gets time with friends and I thought this was a good opportunity.

The night goes by and I had this weird feeling, but never ended up texting him or anything. This group of friends is known to get quite drunk and rowdy but my biggest fear was that he might be in a fight or something. I think the last time I checked my phone for his location was around midnight or 1am and he was at the bar. He got home at 3:45, an hour and 45 minutes after bar close. Her husband left early too after I did. In the morning, he told me he was having a therapy session with his ex after bar close because her and her husband are going through a rough time. I obviously didn't love this, but to be honest I wasn't really upset because he likes to show up for people and I've seen him do this in completely appropriate ways for other friends including his male friends.

That night I checked his phone for the first time in literally years, I can't even remember the last time before this, and saw texts to/from her husband and her that seemed to back up his story so I let it go. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, he was acting strange one night, expressed anxiety about the baby coming and said he was worried he has herpes. I was in complete shock and asked him why he would have herpes and he said he had a partner with it years ago and was worried it was dormant for years, was emerging now, and was worried about our baby. We had only had sex once or twice in the last couple months by the way. So in this moment by dumb ass still was in denial that he'd actually cheat on his pregnant wife and thought he was just anxious over nothing but told him to go to the doctor and get checked out to be safe, so he went the next day.

The next day it started to sink in more that something wasn't right, so that night I confronted him and he admitted he tried to hook up with his ex that night. At first he downplayed what happened but I knew it had to be sexual because he was worried about an STD. He told me he had already been to the clinic multiple times worried about STDs. I told him to show me the doctors notes which did support the story I got out of him, that basically they did everything except PIV sex because he couldn't get hard because of how drunk he was. I also texted her and she basically confirmed his story at a super vague level and apologized and said she's going off the rails because of her separation (I don't think they're actually getting separated though, I think she just said that so I wouldn't text him).

I think I was in shock for like a week. I seriously didn't think he would do this, even super drunk, especially with her because there were no any signs or anything. He said he just got caught up in the moment and couldn't understand himself why he did it and was so ashamed he wanted to bury it and pretend it never happened, but his guilt was catching up with him. I told him he needs to go to a trauma betrayal therapist and he agreed and immediately started going. I also got a therapist, and we started couples counseling too.

Lately I've been stable most days because we have to show up for our daughter, but I can't get over the icky feeling of who the fuck does this to their PREGNANT WIFE. I go from feeling heartbroken to so angry. I already have abandonment issues and this is making me feel insanely insecure, and I've been going crazy with hysterical bonding, my therapist says likely because I'm pregnant and feeling extra vulnerable. Our life was SO great before this, we love our daughter and each other, and even though our sex life was not what it has been, I felt like we were on the same page (I had some health problems at this point that have more recently resolved.) in the past we have had and some issues, one of them was about boundaries with an ex (hiding that he was texting her) but it's literally been like 6 years with no issues at all. I feel hopeful we can overcome this but I'm worried about my mental health postpartum and always thinking back on this time that's supposed to be the happiest of my life with anger and resentment. I feel so inadequate and insecure even though I know logically this isn't my fault. I've already started looking into surgeons for a breast augmentation after the baby which was not something I was very interested in before this.

One good thing is that he is not making excuses, trying to learn about himself and why he did this, journaling and reading books recommended by our therapists, basically doing everything right in my eyes/what I need. He apologizes every day and lets me be angry/sad/whatever and just holds me and says he's so sorry. What's bad is that I'm so confused, feel like this huge thing happened to me and I don't feel like I can tell hardly anyone close to me because I don't know what their reaction will be and if we truly heal from this I don't want others to judge him or me.

Wow another update it's almost unbelievable how many situations this world puts me in before I inevitably crack open and have to vent about it before it eats me alive.

My last post was about how my ex brought a woman over to my house when he knows how I feel about it and we were in agreement to respect each other and keep all of that outside of the apartment.

Well, today he calls me after going out to his car. I hear him driving so he's already ont he way somewhere. He tells me this woman needs a place to shower because shes fighting with her boyfriend and he wanted to ask me if I was okay with it. Actually, scratch that, he said he would ask her how I felt about it. Then he said "Really I'm just giving you a heads up." (also had no idea she had a boyfriend but apparently they are poly or something idk).

I was silent of course because....sorry? I was silent for 10 seconds trying to process and think about if this would make me spiral or not when he started yelling at me over the phone about how it can't possibly be that hard of a decision. I asked did she truly not have anywhere else she could go. He tells me he doesn't know, and I told him the idea of bringing her to our apartment again makes me really uncomfortable. He yells at me again, basically bullying me to bend and say yes and being really manipulative. This isn't new, all my friends have seen the way he bullies me into making choices I don't want to make. this is why i stayed with him for so long i was always the bad guy always the reason he cheated.

Then he hangs up on me. So I texted him and was like I didn't say no, I'm just really uncomfortable with it and if she does need a shower she can have one, but she needs to be in and out. This is my space and she's already been here the other day. I can't deal with it mentally. I told him I'm not some heartless evil person. Then he said I was heartless and evil because I am "denying a homeless woman a shower." and that I need to "stew in it." Huh?? I didn't deny her a shower and I definitely didn't know she was homeless. All he said was that she got kicked out, how am I supposed to know she has no car, no money, etc? Also her name is on the lease allegedly, so that's a whole other can of worms she needs to work out with the landlord.

So then I tell him my reasoning is because I still love him after 4 years of being together and it's just not good emotionally for him to throw this on me because I know he likes her and probably sees it as an opportunity (he has always done this with women, I know the pattern).

But I feel guilty because maybe I am petty and messed up for denying her a shower. But I told him I would pay to get her a room somewhere if she needed it, I'm not heartless, I don't want her to be homeless, but I have boundaries. Am I crazy?!?!?!? I know seeing her will make me spiral. I'm not healed at all. Even just him leaving the house makes my mind fill with scenarios about him being with other women and it has made me sob uncontrollably.

He did end up apologizing but he said it was on both of us even though he was the one who was yelling and getting upset with me. He texted me a bunch of nasty stuff but wants to take the blame off of himself. maybe it is also me but i dont think i was being particularly unreasonable. i know he is also on the lease and he could bring people over but i was just hopeful he would respect my boundaries . he did end up taking her to the gym for a shower

I over the last 2 months came here over and over everyday. I had a mental crash. I lost my ability to judge things. I got very shattered inside in my soul. However I decided to take another girl out yesterday. I saw that I became extremely careful about how the person in front of me presenting herself, I got much calm, restrained, and be able to follow statements quite in an interesting way. I saw that after the experience, my identification skills for a possible deceitful character increased immensely.

Girl is quite respectful. I was in total ease. I tried to have no comparison in my mind for my previous relationship. But you do it unintentionally of course. In my mind, I tried to give her a white blank page and wanted her to fill it in. This time around I was the one who was in control. She gave me answers that satisfied me. I notice hierarchy dynamics too. After this incident broke me so much, I try not to give a condition or expectation for people about me that they can mold into it with their statements. Just a bit better to shut up and let other party take the stage and present herself. So you get the true picture.

Yet some dynamics were more attractive in the previous one. But I believe this could be fallable perception that I was trying to constantly keep the interest, attachment protected with all of my effort. Yesterday I had a very calm interaction. She was extremely grateful for the place I brought her, extremely grateful for my gestures and flowers. I assume she is not the person just like the wicked previous immoral shrew that would send my flowers from first date to an another guy.

She is less intelligent. But with more optimism and self respect. She has more compassion, and genuinenty.

Some things gave me much confusion, I did not feel much love, much passion. But again maybe it is due to recent events, my alertness, or broken soul. Or maybe I was just considering the thrill of keeping the interest trying for someone who never deserved me, and this effort gave me a false perception that I thought it was a love. Or maybe it is not the match. Or it is due to the fact that I should give her more chances. Or maybe it is peaceful, due to this calmness, I felt lack of passion maybe. Who knows what it is. I would want to get opinions on this ? Do you feel the same passion again after betrayal ?

But I am hundred percent sure, I met with someone more truthful, courage, with a shame and basic appreciation and respect. On physical side, she has a different vibe, some things better some things less satisfactory. But I genuinenly feel like I got out of delusion.

I have much more restraint and control, and much more able to read the patterns, and keep the harnesses.

The other wicked girl even sent me a message today again. I block her but she just reaches me out over and over again.

This one maybe not the one, but I see that there are people who will appreciate you and your effort from the first day. At least it is what I felt like after my more wiser attitude.

All the best to everyone, I wrote it so that people can believe themselves that there are others going through the same, and experiencing progress after the issue.

Best

Husband cheated on me, I guess. Online, sexting, voice calls, videos, sending money, buying her things and confessing love to each other. I was suspicious and checked his computer one day and found it all. We have been in couples counselling for it for over a year, alongside other issues we are managing.

Whilst he shouldn't have done this, i am struggling badly with asexuality (history of past trauma, medications etc) and I guess this was his outlet. I hadn't withheld sex/affection from him completely but I am just a lot less interested, and if im not the one asking he feels like he is forcing me etc... it has become a viscious cycle. Im also a full time uni student and work 20+ hours a week, its so hard for me to make enough time for him.

I asked him to stop talking to her, he agreed. A few months later i found out he was still talking to her. He promised for real he would stop. They spoke in communal servers on discord so he was upset and went on to me about how he was having to give up his online friends for me. But I said he needed to do this for our relationship to work.

We have slowly been reintroducing sex and intimacy into our relationship, which I thought was going well. We also struggle with distribution of the household chores, it has become a huge sore spot in the relationship, I am so exhausted of having to do almost all of them. I have become resentful towards him and it just continues to grow. Even with consistent counselling nothing has significantly changed.

Well just the other day after we got back from a fantastic trip away I saw him recieve a message from the same girl. Over 6 months after the second promise of cutting contact with her.

We own a house and pets together, I cant afford to live on my own I'd have to give up on my career dreams. And I do still love him and want to be with him. I think.

Im just at a loss at this point. Im not sure what I am looking for now. Support? Validation? A secret option to fix everything that i dont know about? I just feel like i have given him too many chances and he hasn't made enough of an attempt to change. I feel like i deserve better? But am I just being too harsh? He is financially supporting me through my decision to go to uni and he makes sure I am looked after. We have enough money for everything we need and some of what we want.

Im not sure what to do. We have counselling next week, I need to decide if I will bring it up by then. I havent said anything to him yet. But I'm not sure what I want at this point. Do I want to divorce him and uproot my entire life? We have only been married for 2 years. I do think I regret it. But I thought he would never do this to me either.

I found out 5 days ago that I was getting cheated on in my longest and happiest relationship. From day 1 up to the end, he was cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend.

I do not miss the person one bit, and I'm glad I found out and took the trash out. I've gone down every route of revenge and talked through it with my friends. The hardest part is how everyone, including the guy, acknowledges that I was the kindest, sweetest girl he ever went out with; I gave my everything to him and bent over backwards to make him happy. Yet it was not enough.

Growing up, I have been abused by parents, molested by my brother, raped in the past, and been with several toxic guys, and the one thing they can all attest to is that I did not deserve it one bit and that I was the kindest woman ever.

It makes you feel that maybe you are the common denominator, that love was never meant for you in any shape or form, and to let go of that one primal need feels like getting the earth swept up under you. At the end of it all, the conclusion I have come to is that it doesn't matter whether you feel love is meant for you or not, doesn't matter if you feel you were never dealt the cards you deserve, and you must let go of any and all expectations and choose yourself. When life's over and you're buried 6 feet down, the only thing you will take with you is yourself. Don't give anyone any grace; start being selfish. If no one chooses you, you show the world a bug, fuck you, and you wake up and choose yourself. Be mean, be difficult, be atrocious, but never let go of your own happiness.

Hello everyone,

I'm not sure how to update posts so I just created a new one. It's been 3 weeks since I discovered my partner for 9+ years was having an affair a month to our scheduled wedding (technically one month two weeks lol). Anyway I'm doing much better than I expected. I've had two sessions with a therapist who really helped me come to terms with this huge life change and helped reaffirm my decision to cancel the wedding and end the relationship.

My ex has attempted to reconcile but I have managed to go no contact (hopefully for good). It has been a very painful process but my close friends and family have been supportive. I've learnt to ignore the dissenting voices.

One thing that really helped was realizing the relationship wasn't as rosy as I believed it was especially nearing the end. He had emotionally checked out but I was too enamoured to realize it.

I also felt deep grief about the future I had imagined for us. I realized, however, that the future I imagined was not the future I was likely to walk into. In reality, it would have been filled with infidelity, grief, lack of trust among other problems.

I wish this process was easier but I'm taking it one step at a time. Thank you to everyone who gave advice. You cannot imagine how helpful your words have been.

I've not posted here but you can do a search for cheating wife in Korea or something along those lines if you feel so inclined.

The jist of my situation- married 21 years, two children, I've been long employed in high stress, long and irregular hour jobs - admittedly ones that I took home work stress. After long running concerns of my wife's life outside our home - regula and frequent eating and drinking with "friends", and more than a few "fell asleep at friends" moments from her... I eventually followed and caught her leaving a motel in June. Besides recoding her leaving that motel, getting her to ride with me home- and capturing alot of admissions on my car dashcam audio, and recording just about every conversation since that time, her basically abandoning our children (daughter was home from college and son finished his Senior year of HS before also leaving for college with his sister - my wofe was maybe around our home about 6 days out of the month of Jul6jy. It was a very hard time, but her long runntjing absences after I caught her made things a bit eaiier as I look back at it - if she could leave and not be around our kids - blaming me for her not feeling sage or comfortable- if she could disappear as they were bith to be gone so soon after, she wasn't the woman that I needed to forgive or feel bad for losing.

Fast forward past my trip back to the US - I live and work overseas - and my wife recieving the divorce paperwork, her attitude shifted completely. Moments of regret, moments of trying to reconcile (she asked our daughter in mid September of there was any change we would work though this - my daughter said no, she asked me directly basically the same question a few weeks later - I laughed at her and said no, and a woman friend of hers asked me this past Tuesday asked if I would give her a second chance - I again said no). She threatens me at times saying she can make this "hard", has tracked me down in a local bar district and confronted me, repeated suicide threats since I caught her until now, and has even gone as far as to say she didn't cheat - she just admitted it because we had talked about divorce for a period of time since late last year. She's accused me of "setting this up" so we would get divorced - I obviously asked hiw do I set up her cheating? She has told friends and family she is scared of me, yet she's tried to track me down, has moments of calling and messaging relentlessly- 18 calls last Thursday, all of which I ignored except the forst two and last one, and came into our primary residence drunk - so far as to waking me up sitting and laying in my bed.

It's been a roller coaster for sure, but with time, I've seen her emotionally swings, constant lies and complete narrative shifts - from me asking "was it worth it" and her saying "it filled her heart" yhe night I drove her home, admitting to not using protection or taking off her wedding ring that same night - to her story now of "lying" about the affair and just drinking at the motel because we'd talked about divorce and she thought that "lying" and admitting about cheating would make that happen.

I accept where we are, I want her to leave me alone, not bother our kids as they're in college with her guilt or questions about me and the divorce... I want to be left alone to live my life and take care of our children. I know happiness is on the horizon.

There is hope, my fellow betrayed. Know that if they'll do it to you once, the love you thought was there is long gone. It's hard, but know that happiness can be yours again with a true partner that loves and respects you.