I’m sitting in my closet right now. On the other side of the door, my husband and daughter are in our bed. Totally unaware.

I had been feeling that my husband was cheating on me for years but I never had proof. It was just a sixth sense. After all this time, 6 years married and nearly a decade together, I have never looked at his phone until tonight. I am generally very against that but this feeling has been literally eating away at me. And my fucking walls are crashing down.

I don’t know how long it’s been going on or with how many people. I have solid proof (and sent myself the proof) of one but I do have hunches of others.

I’m fucking gutted. But also feeling insanely guilty. I know he made these choices and he is actively hiding them, but we have had a mostly dead bedroom for years and I feel like I drove him to do this. There is just so much history I will try my best to get it out and make it make sense. Mostly because I NEED to process this.

Our relationship began like fire. I felt like he was truly a safe man, a good man, and we were compatible in all ways. We were also pretty sexually adventurous when we were new. We fantasized a lot and a couple of times we brought in a third. It was always consensual, fun, and never interfered with US. After we got married, we moved and that was extremely difficult on my husband. It was our choice (mostly his because he was the one really capable financially) but he really had a hard time with change and this was a huge move. Our marriage suffered horribly. We hadn’t been romantic in months and decided to shake it up and consider a threesome again. I fucked up here. I did not want this but I went along with it. I’m currently working on this aspect of my personality because it’s a big theme in my life. That night a huge boundary of mine was crossed. He had never penetrated another woman and that night he did. In his defense, we stupidly never set that boundary. I just never thought he would. And in that moment, it switched for me. I couldn’t bring myself to have “that kind of fun” again.

So our marriage suffered. I felt like it was all my fault. We eventually worked on it and got pregnant. As soon as the positive result came, sex was over. I was actually very into the idea of having sex but my husband felt weird about it once I got pregnant. So we didn’t until months after our daughter was born. She is 4 and we probably have sex twice a year. We don’t reject each other. We just “don’t get around to it.” Which sounds awful. And it is. But we still have fun and had a nice relationship. My husband travels a lot for work. A lot. So that plays into it. And he has an extremely high stress job. That plays into it. If I’m being honest, I have pushed therapy, sex therapy, scheduling sex, date nights, etc more. He says I don’t but I truly have tried hard. And I’ve been feeling in my gut that he has someone else. And apparently he does.

Here’s the thing… I have given up A LOT for this man. My career (literally before getting married and having kids because my career is location dependent and he did not want to live in that city - there’s more to it but that’s the simple version), my home base, I wanted a second child and he didn’t, I usually plan my day or routine around what he has to do. I do a lot of molding and I just lost myself. I know I’m not perfect. I know I didn’t do my part in this. It is a partnership and I’m part of it. But to cheat!? And worse, he’s sending this woman MONEY when he has us on a budget! And I know there’s more than what I found but I am just not sure I can dig around for more without losing my mind.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to tell anyone. I don’t want to even admit it to myself. I’m also so fucking mad and sad that he couldn’t have just left me. I am not too old but I am getting to the point where I can’t just easily find someone and have another child. Like I feel like he is wasting my life because he doesn’t want to divorce me? I know he loves me. At least I believe he does. I believe this is purely sex. But idk. Can you really love someone and disrespect them like that? “I’m in my home office, wife is in the other room. I want to play so bad” I mean can he love me and still talk like that? Idk. Wtf.

Hey everyone,

As I type this I’m not even sure if I’ll hit send. Never posted to Reddit before. I am shook and don’t know where else to go. I have great professional and personal supports, but this is so raw and I don’t want to jump to anything (because I think that’s already bitten me here—more on that in a moment).

I’ve been with my wife for 12 years, married for 5. We have had our struggles for sure, but I genuinely thought we were solid. We have two beautiful kids, ages 2 and 3, who I adore. Having two toddlers has definitely taken its toll on us, but we have tried so hard to stay connected and I felt like we were growing together through everything. I make mistakes and become irritable and I’m difficult to be with sometimes, but I can’t remember the last time I didn’t own it and apologize and try to (and genuinely do) do better.

This past weekend I got in her car in the driveway to hike with my best friend, and her phone auto-connected to the Bluetooth from our bedroom. I noticed received and sent calls to a coworker over the past several days. They teach in the same dept and most of the calls were right before or after school, but one was Friday night at 6pm, which seemed a little odd. Early in our relationship, there was a rumor that she had a romantic thing with this guy, but she vehemently denied it. He was married and his wife was pregnant at the time. I was jealous though and we talked about it early in the relationship, and then it kind of fell away. I’d get a little uncomfortable when his name came up in normal conversation about work, but I learned through therapy and my own work to go inward, investigate the jealousy, work on myself, and show up better for myself, for her, and for my kids. And I thought it was working. I talked to my best friend about this on our hike and stayed the course, just reinvesting the feelings into myself and trusting her. This past week went pretty normally, but now in retrospect she seemed distant. She was on her phone more than usual, sometimes smiling at it, and it would irritate me because I’m there bathing two toddlers or jumping in at tantrums. And this isn’t even to say she isn’t an active parent. She is a rockstar at running our home and I believe she does love us and love our kids. We are a team and actively talk about how each other is doing with mental load, and try to make adjustments. She can be blunt (maybe sometimes I’d call it harsh) with us, but it’s how she was raised and I have learned a lot about respect and boundaries from these past 12 years. I typically did not feel she was out of line and even when I was initially put off, usually I would come to recognize her side of things and even appreciate it.

All of that being said, tonight we were really struggling with putting our toddler down, as we have been for the past 6 weeks. Getting her to sleep and to stay asleep has been brutally hard, and everyone is running on fumes. I had taken issue with my wife’s method which would work typically, but our daughter would basically fall asleep crying, and then wake up crying throughout the night for us. After 45 minutes of me trying, it became clear it wasn’t going to happen without me staying in there, and my wife took over. I was overstimulated so I went downstairs and screamed into a pillow trying to discharge the energy in my body. After that I was just taken by the urge to check her phone, maybe because of these lingering feelings the past week. I have sometimes peeked over her shoulder but I haven’t checked her phone in several years.

I went to her phone and saw texts between them and started reading them. I was blown away by what I saw. I thought I’d have to dig further than the first screen or scroll. Things like “you send energy up my spine” and they were joking about having made up words together - “seratoning” ? Idk. Something about “I’m sad the field was empty”. I’m assuming they were meeting up and I don’t know what else. In my state, I started basically hyperventilating as I couldn’t contain it. She heard me and left our daughter’s room. She came in and saw what was happening. I remember saying “what the fuck” and “are you fucking kidding me” and I’m pretty sure things about how could you, why, etc etc. She then deleted the texts once she had the phone and told me she’s doing that because of my behavior. My thought is if there’s nothing there, why wouldn’t you just let me read the conversation?We couldn’t even really have a conversation because our daughter was still awake, so now she is back in there and I am downstairs in a stupor. I’ve thought of leaving, I’ve thought of how bad I fucked this up in tipping her off. I’ve thought of fb messaging him and/or his wife (they have two kids of their own). I’ve thought of calling friends or family. But right now I feel like I already fucked myself by tipping her off, I just couldn’t take it. I am a sensitive guy who feels things deeply and I was taken over by the moment.

Part of me is thinking about divorce, the other is just apathetic and wants to give up on us. To re-up my commitment to myself and my kids and let whatever is going on with her play out. But I can’t see myself trusting her ever again or wanting to or feeling safe to be intimate with her. I was looking at photos of my kids before and I’m so overwhelmed with emotion. It feels like there is an ocean of grief, anger, confusion, sadness, self-pity, compassion, love, recognition, disgust, fear, freedom that I am protecting myself from in this moment. I know it will come in waves and I will live this out. I believe deeply that even our toughest moments serve us in ways that they need to, even if they feel absolutely horrible in the moment. I will hold on to that.

I guess I am wondering how badly did I fuck this up by tipping her off? And where do I go from here? I know you guys can’t answer especially the second one, but I just need to type it out. Do I call a lawyer? Talk to a friend? Demand receipts and full transparency and professional help or I’m done? Just commit wholly to my children and kind of ignore her for now? I love them so much and I don’t want snap decisions to determine their future. I feel like I already made one and wish I could have it back, but I guess that was meant to be too. If it hurts my case in court one day that I let her in so early, then so be it. It’s not even really about that for me. I just want to be happy, for my kids to live a good life, and in time I believe I’ll want her to be happy too. I know I can at least find that for me and my kids right now, in every moment. I have been struggling with them lately, but I can recommit to being the best dad I can possibly be and channel this into those relationships. I want to be careful not to let my feelings about her bleed into my energy with them. I feel mature enough to do this in a real way.

Even as I sit here I imagine she is plotting with him or covering tracks and I don’t know if I should even care or what to do. As I type that I’m taken aback by my own distrust and skepticism that has surfaced. As you can hear, I’m extremely overwhelmed and could probably go on for another 5 pages just rambling. In all of this though there is a flicker of freedom and of clarity. Maybe part of me kind of always knew. I also struggle with not feeling like enough, and maybe I invited this experience into my life as a lesson. Not to blame myself, but I do tend to believe in those things. Regardless of the games she plays, I will never forget what I saw, and I know how I feel and how it felt. It feels like I’m in for some gaslighting as we navigate this. I don’t even want to navigate it with her, I guess is what I mean. I’m disgusted, shaken, confused, angry, and really, really sad. I feel like my whole life has been flipped upside down. I don’t know what tomorrow will even feel like.

If anyone has constructive advice or pushback on anything I said, I’d be grateful to hear it. If I fucked up royally feel free to tell me that, too. If you made it this far, thank you for reading.

Hi. It is 2 months over a D day and one of the things I struggle is my reaction and what I did after discovering it in the middle of the night. The whole month that she was cheating on me we were celebrating our anniversary, we had an amazing backpacking trip and no arguments at all. 2 days before D day and my birthday she told me some problems that were bothering her and that does not know if she loves me and if she wants to build a relationship. I was devasted because she was so harsh, cold and looking for single, small things that can harm me. I was in a deep shock and immediately offered consueling, went to therapist and looked for multiple solutions. My birthday was the worst day in my life, I went to her with flowers and begged her basically for love and she confessed that she has not prepared nothing for my birthday still lying to my face that there is no other person. I cried for the first time since 4 years all day and was begging her and apologizing for everything.

So moving on to my behavior: in the middle of the night, for the first time (we had passwords but I never even looked at her phone), I felt that something is wrong and I checked on her phone and discovered for the first time also that someone has been cheating on me. I was already 2 nights with no sleep in the biggest crisis ever. She was laughing that I don't expect that and I'm "thinking only about myself", planning secretly meetings behind me back and saying unfair things behind my back. I recorded the hidden conversation with the guy and sent the whole conversation to her sister, mom and two mutal friends asking if they know anything about that. Then i checked on her phone more and discovered that she lied to me and she cheated on the past boyfriends (all of them) and her notebook in our house. She lied to me also about other things. I made screenshots and photos that confirms that.

I hate myself for breaching so much her privacy, but 5% of me says that I would be dumped by her couple of days later with no explanation and I could probably do some harm to myself without the knowledge that I discovered.

Why in that moment I felt so much need to investigate and get all knowledge possible about her and could not just leave house? Anyone was in similar situation.

Why would my husband ask to marry me if he cheated?
I found that my husband had cheated on me the first 2 years of us dating, we are now on year 3 and recently married and I honestly suspect that he’s already cheated during our marriage too but was a lot sneakier about it this time (cause messages that used to exist are now deleted) so I am guessing he stopped due to us moving to a different location… but Im just lost… like why me? Why marry me if 1. I don’t seem like his type based on the women he follows and 2. He has been cheating this whole time… he didn’t even bend the knee when he proposed, he tried giving me a ring he got for free as a “family heirloom” yet he spent $2k on OF models and only spent $5k on my wedding ring after all only because i was in the jewelry store to get his finger sized.. and why did he suddenly delete everything? It all just does not make sense to me… sometimes i wonder if Im just in a lavender marriage, or if I was a convenient marry because of his age/his job circumstances.. anyone else been through something similar? And how was your outcome?

I already know I want to leave but i honestly just want to know what actually happened between AP and WH. II know my husband is lying to me because nothing he said makes any sense. I'm not sure if AP even knew we were married. I see she blocked him on instagram so she might have found out or something happened between them I'm not sure. I want to reach out to ask questions for clarity, but I'm not sure it would be worth it.

Has any man personally gotten over his wife having a affair that she had strong feelings for
Its been 10 months and we are working through it but it still eats me alive most nights
Will i ever stop thinking about it
Do you regret staying

Hopefully sharing a link wouldn't be against the rules. If it is, I'm fine with this being taken down.

There's a person on TikTok who does in depth breakdowns of common interpersonal and relationship challenges. He speaks plainly and a little sharply, but he tells the truth.

This post he made on abandoning yourself made me think of this place. To paraphrase:

"Your boundaries are the line at which you have to abandon yourself to continue a relationship.

(Example) She yelled at you and before you met her, you said I would not tolerate yelling, and it triggers you. She yells at you because she had a bad day. You stay.

Then its her parents are sick, the reasons continue but you abandoned yourself when you decided being with this person meant more than your boundaries.

You learned her love language, you learned her trauma, her communication style, her love language. But where are you in this equation? Where is the part where someone is concerned about you?"

Its a common theme here that people abandon themselves to perpetuate a marriage they have consciously already acknowledged they would never want for themselves. They rationalize away little bits of their morals and boundaries until they are naked in the wind and operating on faith.

Just remember that picking yourself is always the better option in a situation someone is not picking you.

Need audio transcribed to back up being cheated on was recorded on my indoor ring bell. mental health being used to gaslight and deflect what happened. Can hear whispers just need help with what's said there is tv playing in background. any help would be appreciated not my 1st time being cheated and mental health being used against me. https://voca.ro/19kYo7btuKoo

Had I not checked Facebook memories for fun, I wouldn’t have even realized today wouldn’t been my 10th wedding anniversary. Do I feel any ways about it? Not at all. That’s the point. I’m glad we never made it this far.

Instead I’m laying next to my favourite woman who returned home from the hospital today after she had her gallbladder removed. She’s curled up finally getting some sleep after a horrible week. I couldn’t be in a better place with a better person.

I was thinking about the last time I went to that hospital because of a partner. Pull up a chair for this one.

It was early March of 2020, right before the world shut down. DDay was 9 days prior, and my ex wife and I were at a friends cottage when I saw the message on her phone. She’d been sleeping with her coworker. I couldn’t make a fuss there because we were surrounded by friends. I didn’t want to spoil the weekend for everyone.

We also were flying to Florida to see my family the next day. We had loads of Florida plans. Clearly I couldn’t ruin her vacation, so I kept it to myself. However, that came at a cost; I could barely sleep for 7 days. On the day we were to return home, I cracked and told her I knew. She immediately gaslit me. She then went into some BS about her depression and wanting to end her life before. Completely deflected from her betrayal.

We returned home, and she shook and cried the whole flight. She changed into a crazy person that day. I was angry, and told her she’s got a lot to answer for, but not today. Early the next morning I’m woken up by calls and texts from mutual friends. I answered, and our friend is panicking asking where she is, and if she’s ok. She’s asleep right next to me.

Apparently she wrote a goodbye text to the girl group chat, and so like any responsible adult, they called for a wellness check. Cops were at my door immediately. After some explanation, and reading the text, she was escorted to the psyche ward. So, there I was in the hospital being the betrayed husband of a woman, who has no successfully taken over the narrative, and distracted from my own pain, and I could do nothing about it. The moment they told me she would be held overnight, I bounced. She was safe, I needed space.

I had a mix bag of emotions from pain, to anger, and some concern for my wife. It felt unfair I wasn’t able to focus on my own pain because she co-opted the moment. The next day I took my time returning to the hospital, and we sat in a meeting room with a doctor discussing what she’s going to need. She was released into my care, and we started the hunt for a psychotherapist.

Then the world stopped. I had planned to get some space and just not be present at home as much, but 2020 decided I needed to up the difficulty level.

Anyway, the lockdown forced us to talk, and figure things out. There were lots of downs, but I thought we had turned a corner. I guess not long after she returned to work, the affair resumed. That was it for me, and spring 2022 we were over. She returned to the psyche ward after threatening herself once, but that was another bluff which I didn’t bite on this time. Goodbye to you!

4 years later and my new queen is snoring next to me. She’s had two surgeries in as many months, and she’s feeling low, but I haven’t wavered once because when you know someone is worth it, and this is long term, you really don’t care about these small things which happens. It’ll be a random convo over drinks soon enough.

Anyway, her engagement ring will be fat!!

So this inquiry is about dating after being cheated on.

I got out of a relationship with a serial cheater and abuser over a year ago. I’ve been in a relationship for the last few months and it’s been mostly great. Bad part is, I still have major trust issues and insecurities.

I have been in therapy, which is helpful. In the beginning of the relationship, I was needy and needed a lot of reassurance. My bf has also been cheated on so he understands, but to a point. We had a brief break up in between due to my mental health issues. We got back together recently.

He’s very understanding and has been reassuring still, but the paranoia still lingers. I find myself wondering what’s on his phone, computer, or what he could be hiding because I found out about my ex cheating by snooping. I may have still been stuck with him if I hadn’t.

So…how do I act healthily in a new relationship, where there aren’t any real suspicions other than my past and current trust issues? I don’t want to invade his privacy or snoop, but the urge is definitely there. I’m so afraid of what he may be hiding even though he’s very transparent. We share locations, we talk all day, see each other almost everyday, and he isn’t super social. He is honest about where he’s going or who he’s seeing. He pretty much only hangs out with guy friends. So why am I so paranoid?

I have told him I still worry because of the past. He gets it, but I don’t want to be overbearing. I’ve been able to manage and haven’t snooped. But should I? Am I being naive assuming he isn’t cheating? Or is my past and current insecurities risking the relationship? How do I stop worrying and learn to trust again?

Found out myy (F25) bf (M27)cheated on me & hungout with his ex 5different times and was msging her up until saturday night …. He changed his name in her phone to disguise it as a guys name. I had a gut feeling I would ask him, have u met up with ur ex , he would assure me “no baby” “i never wanna see her” just flat out lying to my face.
ever since monday i find myself questioning everything . i ask him do you think i’m pretty he says yes you are gorgeous. i ask him, am I good enough, he says yes you are more than enough . So why do i feel so empty ? I feel ugly and fat and i’m literally far from that …. why did he cheat
on me with her , nights i didn’t hear from him he was hanging out with her. i’m hurting

Hello everyone,

Does anyone have a good guide on snooping apps in one location? For things like WhatsApp and others the small hide areas that are where people go to stash they private conversations with potential cheaters?

Also, how to turn on the geo locate for an iPhone full time? I knew there was a way when we lived overseas to see my spouses location, but now I can’t find it here in the US.

Wife of almost 3 years, we have a house together and a 2 year old son.
For the last several weeks I’ve had this gut feeling that something was off. I kept a wary eye out for major and minor tells. I couldn’t shake it, so a few days ago i started snooping. I figured the worst case scenario is that i’m right and my snooping is justified. I prayed that i was wrong and this was all just the result of some errant paranoia stemming from something more innocuous. Over the course of a few days, in secret i started going through her messages, call logs, photos, and social media, piece by piece, bit by bit. I found a few questionable conversations where a guy friend had pushed a boundary and she didn’t exactly rebuff it, not exactly entertain it, nothing damning or sinister enough for me to really push her on.

I didn’t exactly confront her a few days ago, but before i started snooping, i had an honest conversation with her about how it feels like she doesn’t show me any affection or interest lately. I asked if she was getting it somewhere else, and just flat out gave her the opportunity to ease the tension i was feeling and address whatever needed to be addressed. She did the whole reassurance routine, and the part that really got me is my gut continued to eat at me over it. Normally a conversation like this with my wife would have put me at ease and make me feel better, but for some reason the alarm bells started chiming louder and louder. At that point i went into full PI mode and started trying to get to the bottom of it. Best case scenario, i find nothing of note and i move on with some sort of relief. Worst case scenario, my gut is vindicated for its paranoia.

Now for back story, me and her met on IG around 2015, and had been just mutuals on social media up until around 2021-2022 when we were both single and started talking more and more over the course of months until we were in a sort of long distance situationship (different continents entirely) about midway through 2022, she was planning on taking a trip to the area of the world where i was living, since she had family there that she hadn’t seen in many years and asked if i was happy to meet up with her and spend some time in person. To which I agreed and even offered to give her a place to sleep. Skip ahead to us actually meeting, at this point we are basically in an unofficial relationship, so her coming to meet me in person was sort of the proofing. Skip forward some more everything was incredible, we fell totally in love with eachother and committed to a long distance relationship where we visited each other’s countries and spent a couple weeks together each time every handful of months. The last time i was in her country she ended up getting pregnant. So we made a plan for me to move to her since she has her family close by and a well established career, and i was living far away from my family, and my career was much more adaptable to the circumstances.
I moved to her (legally) we spent god knows how much money on immigration lawyers and visa application fees.
Skip forward, 2024, baby is born, we have been living together for most of the 9 months and it’s going really well. I am happy, she is happy, we have our happy little family. My son is my absolute world and she is genuinely a great mom.
Skip forward 2 years to this past few weeks where my gut was setting fire to my insides. Like my subconscious and drawn up a detailed illustration of what’s going on but my conscious brain is stuck in the dark with no way to see it clearly.
So after snooping and not finding anything for a couple days, i had started to resign myself to just accepting that i’m off my nut and need to chill. The only thing i havent thoroughly checked is whatsapp and all the hidden compartments within. Today i got that opportunity while she was giving our son his bath.
I swiped down to check her archived messages and behold a chat from a man i have never seen or heard of before, no where in her social media or anything. With immediately concerning content from not even 1 hour before. I quickly exported the chat and sent it to myself via whatsapp and deleted the outgoing message on her side to give me time to read through the chat log and decide what the extent of this was.
It was bad.
I almost puked from the stress of it.
I gave myself a few moments to weigh my options and steady my mind enough to confront her. After putting our son down for bed i met her downstairs and asked her to open her phone right in front of me. Which she did then, i said open whatsapp and swipe down then tell me about that message thread. She tried to delete it but i told her i already sent myself the whole chat log and read through the most recent chunks.

I kinda blew up and broke down in waves. We went back and forth for hours about it.

Still not sure what to do. But fuckin hell that was nice to get off my chest.

So i am trying to understand what I should expect or be receiving out of therapy (mine is a CSAT/APSAT) post divorce.

I just sometimes feel like im not getting what I need. But I dont know if that's the case because I dont really know what to expect?

Like sometimes it feels (this is an analogy) that I have a ton of rotten painful teeth and she should be helping me remove them, deal with the pain, make a plan and learn to live with life toothless. Instead it feels like all we do is talk about the pain.

And who knows. Maybe this is like a major woukd that will always hurt, be tender, and there is nothing that can be done.

But I still have a billion ruminations and "things that happened that doesnt make sense" that stay with me daily. And I just feel like those should be subsiding by now.

So now I wonder if in getting what I need.

Im not sure if it makes a difference but my ex only "offically" entered recovery for 6-8 months before the final dday and I just straight up divorced because he still tried to deny he had an affair and tried to accuse me. And I was at the end of my "he is trying to make me look bad" rope. He also withheld tons of info and I never received disclosure. Just what I found, and even then he attempts to deny.

Recently I found out about another affair that my husband had about 10 years ago. This is a bit different. He cheated with his friend's wife. That friend is long gone. They live in the same city, but friendship drifted apart. I saw them just once, they were invited over for lunch or so. I don't even remember how they look. My husband had sex with her in their place. After they exchanged messages about traveling together, having fun. They sexted.

We are separated now. But I have this urgency to tell her husband about it. I know it was long time ago. But I feel like he has the right to know. If it was me I would want to know.

My question is should I do it or not

My (30F) SO (30M) and I are in quite a predicament.

In context we've been married 6 years with now 3 kids. Never had other similar cheating issues but we've had communication and anger problems. Probably separated 2 times prior.

Going back to 2025, we were expecting our 3rd child. I left him in TX to go home, because besides the lack of support everything was falling apart. We left on somewhat good terms. Said we'd work on things, as major changes were coming up and we both thought we'd be turning a new leaf. That did not last long. He started stonewalling, bringing up things, saying I was causing all kinds of issues. Between 6-9 mo of my pregnancy I was confused and miserable because I just wanted his support and I couldn't figure out where these issues were being rehashed from. Fast forward to December and the baby's arrival. He flies out to be there for the delivery. We reconcile fully again. I happened to see a message on his phone and its from someone he works with. Deep conversations. Sexual. Stemming back from when he first started to act different in my eyes. He takes his phone and I didn't see everything. We argue and ultimately table everything due to the pregnancy.

MARCH rolls around and we move back in together. Try for the family. He randomly asked to go through my phone and I let him. He finds messages of someone i met online but hadn't talk to in awhile. So when I ask him to see his phone he has to make sure everything is up to par. Which is when he admitted to him and the woman kissing, dates, money, but no sex (allegedly). We go back and forth about it but he doesn't want to talk after a week because " i should let it go" "it was old". Plus we has other issue like me, my anger gets the best of me and I can say off the wall things. I eventually let everything go after a week of him saying it was too much. It stayed in the back of my mind, but i tried to let it go.

Fast forward to 4 weeks ago. I had to rush our youngest child to the ER and that led to an argument. In the heat of everything i accidentally took his phone. I SWEAR it was an accident as we have the exact same phone and case. I ended up going through it out of curiosity, and sure enough he was texting someone else. Messages were deleted but it was clear they were chatting late at night and over some time. He was immediately upset. No remorse just angry about his phone. He claims he wasn't happy, but I was JUST bed ridden for two weeks following some strange flu like feeling that progressed into me finding i was pregnant. We decided to abort. I received no support from him during this time but when I found out he was texting someone else it all made sense. I'm currently 4 weeks into this and my nervous system is wrecked. I bring it up he says I ruined the mood, I cry and he doesn't comfort me, I say how hurt I am and he shuts down completely. He'll bring up old arguments or say I need to drop it because I haven't been the perfect wife (he's right but I never cheated). We have sex but right after I cry or bring up irrational things. Like yesterday it was amazing and immediately after I noticed I kissed him and it smelled similar to a condom and asked to go through his phone. I know I'm turning toxic but I have no idea where to start or try or anything tbh. Should I leave? Am I a problem?

Disclaimer: I don’t know if all the “subscribe me “ things get notifications when i just add an edit here. If not I’ll try to break it up into separate posts on my PC.

Between posting here and GuyCry (i’m more familiar with that sub.) i wont be able to keep up with comments like i want. I’ll add updates to both. May take a sec since i’m about to drive to work.

Update 1: She agreed to a post-nup. And per another Redditor (i am sorry i don’t know the tag off my head, ill fix later), she will be the one to tell the wife with me on a 3-way call. I disclosed that i had a recording since, as she was on narcotics, it wouldn’t be good in court anyway.

She has stated she wants to fix it and will do whatever it takes.

I told her I do not want a pet and “I don’t want a spouse that cowers around the house all day like a dog who pissed on the floor”. I told her if she trued that or just in general kiss-assery i would think even less of her. I want her to work at it.
More to follow

Update 2: i want to thank everyone who reached out here and in my DMs. I am glad and saddened that there are those who can sympathize and share their hard-won experience and advice. I’ll keep up to date as much as i can. I may push the GuyCry crowd to here since this one has a lot more traffic on it.

Update 3: to recap, she agreed to a post-nup, we are seeking counseling through ReGain (nothing heard yet). She wants to make it work.

I will start recording all of my conversations with her. As Alabama is a 1-party consent state, i will decide in-situ whether i tell her or not about recordings.
I am looking into Estate planners for the Post-nup and a divorce lawyer to consult.
I will be seeking an STI battery.
I will cease using declarative language “not getting a penny”, “you’re done”, etc.

I told her “I do love you” this morning before i left for work.
Her response: “i love you too. But i know that doesn’t mean anything now”
Me: “It means a-lot. If those words didn’t mean anything we wouldn’t be here now would we?”

I relayed this to my sister mostly to get her back up to date (she is now also following the thread). She has a problem with the “woah is me” language from her.

Update 4: His wife has been notified, but based on her response, he got to her first and definitely did not share the whole story. Basically told us that attempts at contact to her would be harassment. I feel i have done my due diligence, though i wish i knew how well informed she was.

Update 5: It has been awhile since my last update. I had to do work and coordinate with a lawyer for tomorrow. Has a session with my therapist. Cried alot. Finished work. Started to drive home, cried alot more. I was heaving so hard for air it made me puke and i had my neck muscles clenched long enough to give me a sprain. Cried until i couldnt in the driveway, tried to bail out of the car to puke and just sat in the grass crying snot spit and all.

She came out and we cried. She apologized alot. I told her “you killed my wife”. It was kind of the weird thought train on the drive started that waterpark. We were talking and crying in the yard and driveway for about 2 hours.

Many of you have asked me to ask her “why?”

She felt alone, and abandoned. Felt not like my spouse and more like a maid. That i failed to help her alot on tasks at home (i did, i was and still am working on it) in particular she was upset about having to do dishes the day after she had shoulder surgery.

This is heavily condensed, but my general response was “give me a problem i can solve” and not bring up “stuff from 3 years ago that i can do nothing about.” “Need me to help with dishes and laundry more? I can solve that. Need me to fix your surgery experience? I can’t, so stop trying to use it as a reason. I can’t apologize, do better, but i cant go back and fix that.”
Most of these can also be looped into the complaint of me hiding in a room after work often on my pc or phone. When i come home, often i am stressed about work. But i hide in my room, and as i explained to her: because that keeps me from getting mad in front of my kids and taking it out on her or them.

Side bar 2: When i was growing up… let’s just say it was abusive. I was the step-kid who was a lookalike of the previous husband. I got tossed around, sometimes down a flight of stairs, furniture would break, holes in the wall, etc. The way i would hide or prevent this was to just play in my room by myself with my Lincoln logs. Age up to middle school, new house, same faculty, same lesson plan. Got thrown through a wardrobe, head smashed into a cabinet door. To not deal with it, into the room and K’nex was my new friend. There is a pattern here. End SB2

I never want my kids to have to see an angry parent. Had enough of that shit. I also have always tried to live by “never take it home” when i was active duty since my family is my refuge and not place to for me to have work 2.0.

Does this excuse her? Fuck no.
Does it excuse me? Also no.

Her reasoning abridged: (I am trying to recite it accurately and not excusing or defending her) my “defense mechanism”, was estranging me from her and the kids. She felt abandoned by me as i seemed to have checked out and left her to deal with all the household stuff. She felt not like a partner and more like my mother or a maid.

I have an appointment tomorrow to meet my lawyer for the post-nup.
She still accepts it, states she will sign “no-contest”, and has said she takes 100% responsibility and wants to make the relationship work.
We are still waiting to hear back from the marriage counselor.
I also added that she is to go to the start of all her messages with him, and build a timeline of the events and topics and to also point out when either of them started flirting and where she believes the line was crossed.

Start:
We had one rule when we started dating: no cheating. It was something we both experienced in the past and had zero-tolerance for it.

Short version: I 34m found out my 36f wife was having an emotional affair for about a week+ after i saw messages on her unlocked phone.

Long version: I have been married to my wife for 10 years. We had our 10yr vow renewal in August. Both family’s, our 2 kids in attendance. Magical time for all.

When i was taking her to an appointment she had to be mildly sedated to deal with anxiety of the doctor’s office. So we get home, i put her in bed to sleep off the meds while i take care of my niece (3)(who we were watching for my SIL)

Anyway, SIL has Life360, and i wanted to check where she was when she said she was on the way to get the baby. I don’t have Life360 on my phone anymore, but my wife did: so i went in there while she was asleep and grabbed her phone to check.

We have always been on an open-phone policy. There isn’t anything we hide (i thought).

Her phone screen was unlocked l, and lo- there was facebook messenger up to her ex bf/childhood best friend with the exchange “I love you” and “I love you so much 😘😘” among other texts.
i knew they were talking. I trusted her enough that i wasn’t worried.

At first I was just brushing it off she says I love you to a lot of people. But i couldn’t get it out of my mind. So i scrolled back a few hours of messages (there were THAT many) then i stopped so hurt and confused, snapped a few photos of the conversation and reached out to my older sister, as she was the only one i could talk to. We talked, i showed her the pics and she came out: “this is cheating. This is emotional cheating. No one married should be sending messages to another married person of the opposite sex messages like this.” Sis even got mad at me for defending some of it.

So i took her phone from the room where i left it, still unlocked, her still sleeping off meds. And i had my sister on FaceTime with my camera to her screen scrolling through the messages. I scrolled for maybe 10-5mins (felt like so much longer) straight trying to find the beginning of her messages and i only made it to Thursday last week. She spent so much time talking to him, texting, 30 min calls here and there. ILY all over the fucking place. She was texting him and sending him selfies while i was taking her to the doctors that day! and before, while i was getting dressed to take her, with pictures of her and niece together!

I can go into detail all night but it never made it past texting, calling, video chats. He lives too far away. She gave him pics of her and the kids. Told him about our marriage and issues we are having.

Side bar: Told him enough for him to have some opinions about me as a man and father apparently. This part my sister seems to think he might have been trying to break us up and present himself as super-dad, because he was there for every game and super-attentive and gave advice about my kids issues.

…Cont’d…

Gave him our address. Shared with him a playlist i made, of music i found that is super-raunchy nsfw type stuff. He was supposedly coming into town soon for a few days work trip. She swears it wouldn’t have gone that far, but as i have had the unfortunate chance to repeat tonight: I have your word for that.

I’m sitting in my bathroom after i couldn’t sleep shaking like i’m cold as i write this and i STILL don’t know how to feel.

I woke her up. Waited til she was at least semi-lucid before i guided her to the kitchen table where her phone was. Told her how i found it. Said i don’t go through your phone but i saw that and read more.

She owned up to it. Admitted it was cheating. Face in hands, whole 9 yards.
Asked if she wanted to leave me: no.
Want to stay married: yes.
When did this start: IDK.
When did you realize you were cheating: ~week ago.
Do you want to fix this: yes.

I can keep going with details, but i just want to fix my marriage. I gave her terms up front.
1: he shows his wife, or I do.
2: you are to never have contact with him again, after we verify his wife knows.

He disappeared from facebook, so likely blocked or deleted the account but my sister found his wife’s account and tomorrow i will be reaching out to her to make sure.

This has been my life since 3pm yesterday. As a guy who used to get shocked with electricity i feel like i have been on a live wire all day and night. I feel so much at once that it seems like it isnt enough of any one thing to call it each. Like i know i am mad, sad, hurt, but i cant feel those things. I havent cried. I havent raged or had any kind of reaction at all.

I was military, so i know the signs: textbook shock.

I told her in the car after we picked up McDs for our kids for dinner and it was just us: we have two rules now.

1. No cheating.
2. If i hear you have contacted him again, see his name, he shows up at the house, “if you so much as poke him on facebook”, you are done. You get the van, your clothes and jewelry, and not a thing more. You won’t get my kids, my house, or a dime out of me.

I have been the bread winner almost our whole relationship. She stopped working after our second kid and her company screwed her on a pay raise. She is a SAHM, has no college, no work history in the last 10 years. I have given her everything she has. When we met she was living on her mom’s couch. Lots in credit card debt. A (1) rubbermaid container for her clothes.

At my sister’s prompting i recorded our conversation at the table with my phone. JIC for court she said.

Wife is also in a kind of shock i guess? Some crying but mostly a zombie, that may still be the meds.

She was gonna sleep on the couch but i asked her not to because i don’t want the kids seeing us be any different.

I can’t sleep. I have tossed and turned and prayed my clock would say 5am. Nope 1145p so i laid there and tried everything to go to bed.

And here i am at 140a writing a message to you all. I don’t know what to expect or what i want. Still in shock

Please help.

Hi all,

Sorry if anything isn’t written out the right way.

I just had to console my mother after she revealed that my father has been cheating on her when he goes on trips abroad. She went through his phone and saw he was arranging meet ups with escorts with his college buddies. They were planning on retiring and moving to said country he’s been cheating in at the end of the year. I’m so disgusted and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this. I’m the only one of my siblings who knows and she wants to stay quiet while she gets her ducks in a row.

My father and I have never had the greatest relationship but I’m honestly struggling to see him as a person/father/husband after this. I am so crushed for my mother, this throws a giant wrench in a lot of plans for our family. How do you spend almost 30 years raising 3 kids and building a life together and throw it all away for random women? How am I supposed to ever have a relationship with someone who would betray all of us?

I just feel sick and so lost. Tomorrow I have to go to work with him and pretend like I didn’t just receive life altering information. Fml

Was missing the AP terribly today. It’s so funny - I went to check her IG so I could see her face. And her eyes seem to have the same pain a coworker of mine noticed in my eyes.

It was kinda pathetic and sad when I went to her for Kleenex’s. I needed to have a quick cry in a meeting room. And she smartly just said “I knew you’d probably come looking for these. Lots of sniffles going around with the season changing.” Which was really sweet of her.

This feels so dumb on some levels. Two worlds destroyed all because one person didn’t wanna do the work to rebuild trust. That’s all I was asking for.

I didn’t ask her to be perfect. I didn’t say we couldn’t rebuild from there. All I wanted was to see a desire in her eyes to fight for what she claimed was important to her and FOR ONCE not make it a power game.

Nope. That was too much to ask. Sorry the post isn’t really well structured. It just sucks. It’s been 16 days since I last spoke to her. My world feels so empty and silent and hollow without her in it.

Edit: AP should be WP. Got my acronym mixed up. My bad.

First text My wife, for 16 years revealed to me that she has been having an affair. It's been months ago I don't really want to put all the details into this post. I've just been having a hard life or trying to rebuild, and and at this moment, I'm feeling especially hopeless.

I 39 m affair partner is 34 f
So I've read some peoples situation I've been trying to find situations similar. I'm gonna try to some up a lot of info. I will go more in depth if need. Wife and I been together almost 13years we have 5 kids. We both were in kinda relationships when we met. We got together one night she wound up pregnant. I tried to avoid her like an ass in the beggingof her pregnancy. We got together had a child. Got married right away. She started becoming distant in the beginning years so I tried to do what I could to get her to open up. It would start fights I had an anger issues I would say horrible things to her. When we would fight. I will say I was mentally abusive.She had stepped out on me. On year 5. We went to the marriage counseling for about 3 years I thought we were pulling thru. I opened my eyes to the awful things I was doing. And really found a new place in life

About 3 months ago she stepped out again an emotional affair. She said she never really felt heard in counseling and that she didn't realize how bad the things I said to her in the beginning to her really messed her up. Body images self worth. Now with us having 5 kids I still want to make this work. I know I was an awful partner I know I can't expect her to heal from the issues I caused but how can we continue she says she wants to.

I am 20 years into this marriage with 4 adult daughters (two autistic level 1 & 2). I found out through interrogating my husband that he relapsed a few years ago and got a BJ from a prostitute. He confessed because I found his STD test results for a test he took afterwards (negative). Anyway. Yeah it was years ago. I think he’s been clean since but I am so f@cking tired of all of this. I am anxious all the time, thinking he will go out and start scouting the streets. I don’t know how many more years I can do this.

I don’t work as I do everything else he can’t do and none of my kids have cars yet, but I don’t gaf if I’m homeless. Homelessness is better than this. At least I can sit in f@cking peace at the beach and not wonder if this @sshole is prowling around looking for crackheads. Rant over

It’s been a year since the incident. We haven’t done much work because I thought keeping our lives the same after would make things easier. I left in the most dramatic way possible, just a note. 2 months ago and I just came back this last week to try and work on things. We’ve had a lot of make up fun time with one another in this week.
We’ve been together going on 10 years but the pain I feel from this just doesn’t go away.
I know it’s only been a week back but just going back to something comfortable has felt nice and someone who is willing to work on things sounds great but
The uncertainty of leaving or staying is the only thing playing in my head constantly. All day everyday and I can’t find the answer.
Since I’ve come back my parents and friends have said things like ‘what are you doing?’ “Why would you go back there?” “Do I need to come and get you”
I’m sure all statements are coming from a place of good faith, but trying to reconcile now with this looming over my head that my family or friends will also never be accepting of the relationship sucks.
I came back wanting to work on things but the thought of leaving again and starting over sounds nice too. Those 2 months were the hardest, I felt loneliness like I never have before. I came back because I thought if we’re able to do this then maybe 10 years isn’t wasted. But I can’t help but think it’d be easier to love freely again.
Not being able to bring him around to events this week with family and getting judgment from those who know I came back has been though too.
I really can’t see this working out with them and I don’t want to break his heart again.
I know he has the resources to be fine this has just been the most confusing time for me.

​

I'm not really looking for advice. I just need somewhere to share what I've been going through and get some of this off my chest.

My wife and I have been married for a few years. We don't have children. I love her tremendously, and despite everything that's happened, I still want to spend my life with her. A little while ago, I discovered that my wife had been having an emotional and sexual affair with a man she met through an online game. They started as friends, but over several months, their relationship became romantic and sexual. They exchanged explicit pictures, masturbation videos, sexual audio messages, and engaged in sexual activities online, including using a remotely controlled sex toy. They also told each other they loved each other. This man knew she was married. He knew I existed, and he willingly participated in the affair anyway.

One of the things that hurts the most is that she crossed sexual boundaries with him that she had never crossed with anyone before, including me. My wife has always had a personal boundary about showing her face in sexually explicit pictures or videos. It was something she had never been comfortable doing, even with me, her husband. But with this man, someone she had only known online for a few months and had never met in person, she crossed that boundary. She sent him explicit pictures and videos of herself masturbating with her face visible.

Another boundary she's always had with me is deleting sexual pictures or videos after sending them. Even when she sends me something intimate, she usually deletes it from our conversations afterward. But with him, she left those pictures and videos in their Discord conversations. I understand that she's entitled to her boundaries. I'm not saying she owes me anything sexual. But knowing she willingly crossed boundaries she had maintained even with me, for another man, is incredibly painful. It makes me feel like she gave him a level of trust, vulnerability, and intimacy that she had never been willing to share with me.

And the betrayal wasn't just sexual. She shared so much of our personal lives with him. She talked about our marriage, our problems, and our arguments. She even recorded private arguments between us and sent them to him. She shared pictures from our dates and adventures together. Moments that I thought were special memories between my wife and me were being shared with the man she was having an affair with. She sent him pictures of our family, including our young nephew. She also shared pictures of me cuddling with her and some of my most vulnerable moments. It hurts knowing that a complete stranger was given access to so many private parts of my life without my knowledge or consent.

My wife has admitted that she genuinely loved him. Even after their relationship ended, she expressed that she still cares about him and wants him to be happy, even if he isn't with her. She says she ended their relationship and cut contact. I have actually seen that she blocked him on Discord, which gives me some reassurance. As far as I know, they haven't spoken in a couple of months, but I still have fears and doubts.

Something else I should mention is that I actually found out who this man is. My wife refused to tell me his identity, but I eventually figured it out myself. I know his name, what he does for a living, where he lives, and quite a bit about him. I have absolutely no intention of contacting him, confronting him, or interfering with his life. I don't want anything to do with him. I just needed to know for myself. I needed to put a face and an identity to the person who had been involved in something that caused so much pain in my marriage.

Honestly, after finding out who he was, I felt even more confused. I'm not some incredibly handsome guy, and I'm not trying to sound arrogant, but I genuinely believe I'm more physically attractive than him. Even looking at our lives on paper, I feel like I have more going for me in several areas. I know relationships and attraction aren't competitions, and I understand that affairs aren't necessarily about finding someone better. But emotionally, it's difficult to understand what she saw in him that led her to risk our marriage. I don't hate this man, but I certainly don't respect the decisions he made. He knowingly participated in an affair with a married woman. I also know that my wife is the one who made vows to me. Ultimately, she is responsible for her decisions.

Another thing that bothers me is how much of the affair has remained hidden from other people. My wife has told some of her friends about the affair, but she hasn't told them the actual details or the full extent of what happened. They don't know everything that was exchanged, the sexual activities, the explicit videos, the emotional attachment, or how much of our private marriage was shared with him. I'm not saying she needs to tell everyone every intimate detail. I understand that some things should remain private. But sometimes it feels incredibly lonely knowing the full extent of what happened while the people around her only know a small part of the story.

Recently, I also discovered information suggesting that the sexual relationship may have lasted significantly longer than she originally told me. What I thought lasted six weeks to two months may have actually been closer to three or four months. I don't know for certain, but that possibility has been devastating. I keep thinking back to the memories we made during that time. The dates, celebrations, trips, and ordinary moments when I thought we were happy together. Now those memories are mixed with the knowledge that she may have already been sexually involved with another man.

Our marriage wasn't perfect before the affair, but there were problems I didn't even know existed. For example, last year my wife started counting how many days it had been since we last had sex. We both understood that sexual intimacy was important in our marriage. But what I didn't know was that keeping track of those days was putting more pressure on her. Over time, that pressure contributed to her sometimes dreading sex. I didn't know she was feeling this way because she never communicated it to me. I genuinely wish she had. I never wanted intimacy to become something she dreaded or felt obligated to do. I wanted it to be something we both enjoyed. If she had told me what was happening, I would have wanted us to work through it together.

I'm not claiming to be a perfect husband. I've made mistakes throughout our marriage, and there are things I can improve. But I also can't address problems that I don't know exist. My wife has since expressed that she was unhappy and felt emotionally disconnected. She also felt that she could be vulnerable with this man in ways she didn't feel comfortable being with me. Hearing that hurts, especially knowing she was sharing her feelings, struggles, and vulnerabilities with another man while I was largely unaware of how much she was struggling. I wish we had been able to work through those things together before our marriage reached this point.

And now, even after the affair has ended, my wife doesn't know whether she wants to stay married. She has told me she loves me, but she doesn't know whether she can love me the way I want to be loved. She's mentioned separation and divorce multiple times. She says she needs space, time, and freedom from the pressure of constantly discussing our relationship. We're currently attending couples therapy, and I'm trying to respect those needs.

There have actually been some good moments between us. We still laugh together, spend time together, play games, cuddle, and occasionally have sex. She has said she's comfortable with me being loving and affectionate as long as I don't turn every moment into another conversation about saving our marriage. I'm trying to learn how to do that. I'm trying to be patient, consistent, understanding, and loving without making her feel pressured to make a decision. But honestly, it's incredibly difficult. Some days I feel hopeful. Other days I'm overwhelmed by the betrayal, the uncertainty, and the fear that I'm going to lose the person I love most.

Sometimes I feel like I'm spending so much time trying to understand her feelings and respect her need for space that my own pain is getting pushed aside. I'm trying to heal from the fact that my wife fell in love with another man, engaged in sexual activities with him, shared intimate parts of herself that she had never shared with me, and exposed private moments of our marriage to him. And at the same time, I'm trying to give her enough space to figure out whether she even wants to remain married to me.

The hardest part is that I still love her. I love her intelligence, her personality, her humor, her passions, and everything that makes her who she is. I still enjoy spending time with her. I still love making her laugh, doing little things for her, and showing her how much she means to me. I want to grow old with her. I want to experience the good, the bad, and everything in between. I want to be there to witness her life and have her witness mine.

I'm willing to forgive her. I'm willing to work through our problems, rebuild trust, and create something better than what we had before. But I also understand that I can't rebuild our marriage alone. I know relationships are complicated, and I know my wife has experienced pain and unhappiness too. But I also know that I didn't deserve to be betrayed. I didn't deserve to have our private lives shared with another man. I didn't deserve to have my trust broken or to discover that the person I loved had developed an intimate relationship behind my back.

It's incredibly painful to love someone so deeply, want a future with them so badly, and still not know whether they want that same future with you. Right now, I'm just trying to take things one day at a time. I still have hope for our marriage. I still believe there's something worth saving. But I'm also trying to figure out how to heal from something that has completely changed the way I see my marriage, my memories, and the person I thought I knew better than anyone.