I never had any intentions of quitting honestly and i was not obsessed with no fap. It just happened

I am now 29 days free from porn and masturbation

I noticed crazy sexual drive and increased attraction towards women i would usually ignore. I look to women not sexualizing them but i look through lenses of humanity. They are human beings not sex machines. This is absurd and ridiculous to say but years and years of porn affected my view on women and daily watching women pretending to love *** and it gets deep i look for more hardcore dark stuff. I am happy that i developed self control. And i am against the nofap shit claiming their bank accounts got full because they stopped pmo and girls liking them more. Pheromones shit you know. Nofap has a point but it mix placebo effect with confirmation bias and high expectations . Still no pmo is healthy for my psyche

[Long post ahead.]

It was only recently when I realized I had an avoidant attachment style. My fear of losing people drives me to take the initiative to distance myself from them as an unhealthy way to cope with this fear. It gives me a sense of control since I know when I'm going to lose them as opposed to them ending things unexpectedly. In this way, I'm more emotionally prepared to "grieve" the loss.

I recognize this is very unhealthy, and it has been causing me a lot of distress and sleepless nights. I become so hypersensitive to the people I care about that I do the exact opposite of what I want to achieve (which is to keep my friendships in my life).

Vague gestures and words from them would instantly become distorted and interpreted negatively despite the lack of solid evidence (e.g., a routine between a friend and me stops abruptly, or a friend isn't as chatty as they used to be, or my friends would hang out without inviting me, or as soon as I log on they would log off).

My brain would start blaming myself, that it was my fault or that I did something to make them hate me. Even when I know I didn't do anything, I would feel extremely guilty for making the smallest errors, that my "mistake" is what drove them away, which then causes me to "cut them off" before they could cut me off.

However, I never fully commit to cutting them off because there's still a bit of myself that's aware of how irrational this is. Plus, I'm afraid of completely letting go since, deep down, I still want them to be part of my life. As a result, I wait for them to reach out to confirm that they, in fact, do not have any problem with me.

But I don't want to keep doing that. It's so toxic and draining to need constant reassurance on the status of our friendship, especially now as an adult.

For context: I no longer feel this way with my main friend group, as I now feel secure with them and can fully trust them. However, I do feel this way with this newer friend group I got introduced into. I believe the unfamiliarity of the future of my "belongingness" in the group is what's triggering this avoidant style of mine, since I don't have the same sense of security and safety with them as I have with my main friend group.

Despite these realizations, I struggle with finding a solution. I need your insights on how to reframe my perspective and stop being so avoidant. I don't like making cruel assumptions about my new friends, but my mind couldn't help but default to these thoughts. I want to get better, and they don't deserve to be seen as "evil" people in my head when they're genuinely great people.

(I apologize for my poor English. It's not my native tongue.)

I'm hoping to hear from people who've experienced something similar or found a way through it. I've spent years trying to understand myself and change patterns that are hurting me, yet I keep ending up in the same place. I'm not expecting strangers to solve my life, but I'd appreciate honest advice, especially from people who've faced something like this later in life.

The contradiction is that I've been capable of doing many things well (or not?), yet I haven't managed to build a stable life.

I was one of the top students at school and university, studied biological sciences and completed postgraduate studies abroad on a scholarship. Professionally, I've held leadership, coordination and advisory roles, directed teams, worked across disciplines and advised decision-makers. I've had opportunities to demonstrate what I can do, and I believe I've made worthwhile contributions.

I'm not socially isolated or particularly awkward around people, although I can sometimes be impatient and intolerant. I've had friends, including three close friends who don't know one another, and several relationships. I don´t feel bad about me physically, women have approached me and shown interest. I also have two daughters, now 32 and 37, who tell me I was always there for them throughout their childhood and adulthood. They spent more time with me than with my ex-wife, and being an involved father is something I'm genuinely proud of.

Yet my professional life has consisted of temporary positions followed by long periods without work. Sometimes I've secured opportunities through my own applications and proposals; other times someone has helped me get a position. When I get the opportunity, I can do the work, but I've never established the continuity or professional network that would let me find it consistently.

I'm currently developing proposals to promote behavioural economics among NGOs and financial institutions, an area I'm genuinely passionate about. I'm also trying to develop work around the science of happiness. Neither has generated much interest yet, but I intend to keep pursuing these new areas rather than continually jumping between ideas, as I've often done in the past, always within my field. Independently, I'm analysing how environmental initiatives could become more effective and realistic by addressing actual environmental and social needs rather than simply responding to international donors' priorities. Nobody has commissioned any of this work, but I know they are important and give me the chance to learn. I'm also slowly writing three books.

The consequences are serious. I still have a car, but haven't been able to replace it for years. I bought and maintained a beautiful apartment that reflected my tastes and the effort I put into making it a home. I've lived there for about 15 years, but now I may lose it because I haven't been able to keep up with the mortgage payments. I have virtually no savings or financial safety net—not because I've spent recklessly or lived extravagantly, but because my income has never been consistent enough. I've made progress several times, only to lose ground again, and I'm now facing another prolonged period of very lean times.

I struggle to reconcile these achievements with the instability of my life. I can see what I've accomplished, even if I often have difficulty recognising it, but I haven't managed to turn it into lasting security.

For a long time, I felt something was going on with me but didn't know what to look for. I tried psychologists without feeling that their help really reached the problem. Then, after a particularly painful and abusive relationship, I began investigating myself much more seriously.

For years, I immersed myself in books, scientific papers, lectures, videos and psychological approaches. I explored an enormous number of sources, discarding much of what I found online because it seemed superficial or commercial, repeating methods and empty phrases without much substance. My scientific background makes me analytical and critical, and I approached this as I would any other subject I wanted to understand. I've also learned from a Vietnamese Buddhist monk and an Indian mystic (I found them during my searches in internet), among other sources, and completed certifications in the science of happiness and behavioural economics. I've tried different perspectives rather than blindly committing to one.

I've seen therapists from different approaches, including psychoanalysis, cognitive behavioural therapy and an alternative approach. I rarely continued beyond the third session because the explanations often felt mechanical or superficial and didn't address my questions. Perhaps I expected too much too soon or was too demanding given what I'd already studied on my own. I can't rule that out, but I never felt I'd found the help I needed.

I have notebooks and files full of personal analyses, reflections, things I've admitted to myself and plans for changing my behaviour—plans I believed were practical and applicable. I can recognise many of my patterns, their triggers and consequences, and what I should probably do differently. I've also helped others think through their problems, and some have told me my advice genuinely helped them. But understanding a problem intellectually hasn't translated into consistent change in my own life.

Another thing I've noticed is that I get distracted very easily and have little patience for repetitive or boring tasks, but I can concentrate intensely for hours on things that genuinely interest me. I've sometimes wondered whether I might have ADHD. Unfortunately, very few things engage me that way.

One of my biggest difficulties is avoiding things that make me anxious, even when I know postponing them will make matters worse. Recently I started to put off precisely the things that most urgently need attention. I understand the pattern as it happens, anticipate the consequences, and still delay.

I don’t always freeze; I eventually force myself to decide, and sometimes it works out. The problem is how long it takes and the needless anxiety and pain along the way. Recently, I’ve delayed some important decisions so long that I’m in trouble, my mortgage being the clearest example. The cycle is relentless: I know I must act, I delay, the delay fuels my anxiety, and the anxiety makes acting even harder. I used to push through, though later and more painfully than necessary. Now, with my home at stake, I can’t even do that, as if my capacity to respond has reached a breaking point.

I now understand this isn’t simple procrastination but a mental and physiological shutdown under pressure. It is a response, even a system, built over years of dysfunctional reactions to external and internal stressors, which has left me in survival mode: flight or freeze. This feels really bad, and I'm struggling to understand how to regain my ability to act.

Self-criticism makes matters worse. I can see that repeatedly blaming myself solves nothing, yet the criticism comes almost automatically. I focus on what I've failed to achieve rather than what I've done, and struggle to treat myself with the same understanding I might offer someone else. I´m not my own best friend.

My childhood wasn’t terrible. My parents cared for us, provided for us and gave us love, but they gave us responsibilities without any emotional support. I don't want to portray everything as bad, but affection wasn't expressed much through hugs, encouragement, praise or telling us they were proud of us.

When I was 18, I joined a project to monitor introduced species on a remote island. Instead, I ended up having to kill goats using inadequate weapons and sometimes even a pocketknife. This wasn't what I'd gone there to do or expected from my studies. I refused to continue, was bullied by the people in charge and received bad references. I tried to handle the situation immediately and alone, without calling my parents, because I wanted to prove I was responsible enough to manage it myself. Then I put immediately the experience out of my mind. Looking back, I wonder whether it left a mark. Some might consider it trivial, but I didn’t study biological sciences to kill animals in such an inhumane way, and that experience, in some way, shaped my fears.

I've wondered whether experiences like this help explain my behaviour today or whether I'm giving them too much importance. One difficulty with years of self-analysis is that you can develop many possible explanations without knowing which ones actually matter.

My relationships have raised other questions. I was with my ex-wife for about five years before we married, and we were married for seven. I eventually asked for a divorce because I felt she was mainly concerned with herself and that there wasn't enough reciprocity or support. Her behaviour with colleagues at work also seriously damaged my trust. I recognise that I contributed to the marriage's failure; I don't think I'm blameless in everything that's happened to me.

Some women I've been involved with had unstable emotional lives. They were intelligent, beautiful and often remarkably adaptable, sometimes seeming to change themselves to fit the relationship. One particularly damaging relationship was with a woman whom a psychologist friend suspected might have borderline personality disorder (BPD). She'd met the woman during our social outings and observed both her behaviour and the changes in me. She warned me that, in her view, the woman was a textbook example of BPD. This was my friend's assessment, not a formal diagnosis, but the relationship affected me deeply and prompted much of my subsequent self-examination.

I questioned why I'd entered the relationship (and others before this one), why I'd stayed, what I'd failed to recognise and what part I'd played. I began to suspect that, although confident and capable professionally, I can become a people-pleaser or emotionally dependent in some intimate relationships. This doesn't happen in every relationship: I've also ended relationships, despite the pain, when I saw behaviour I couldn't accept. But in other situations I've struggled to protect my boundaries and do what I knew was best for me. I don't know whether these relationship patterns connect to my difficulties elsewhere. Perhaps there's a common thread involving fear, avoidance, the need for approval or difficulty committing to a course of action. I don't want to invent one neat explanation for everything just because I'd like an answer.

I believe I'm a good person: responsible, empathetic and willing to help others. When I was younger, I had drive and initiative and could take on challenges without spending so much time fighting myself. Somewhere along the way, these patterns took hold and gradually affected more areas of my life. Despite more than a decade trying to understand them, I haven't found a way to change them consistently.

I've also had some useful conversations with AI. I approach them cautiously and don't treat everything I'm told as fact. But they've helped me organise my thoughts and see things differently, particularly because I haven't found psychologists with whom I could work effectively. I'm trying to use whatever resources are available, not claiming that AI has all the answers.

I'm facing a serious financial crisis and the possible loss of my home. I need to make decisions, but anxiety can leave me paralysed for long periods. I often wake up anxious from the moment I open my eyes and carry the same worries throughout the day.

Long walks help temporarily. Sometimes I walk several kilometres through the woods or along the highway in front of my home, feel a little better, and then return to the same problems.

I've also recently been hospitalised with inflammation of the heart. My doctors think it may have been caused by a virus. I've wondered whether prolonged stress contributed, but I know I can't establish that myself. Whatever the cause, the experience has made me more aware that I can't continue indefinitely with this level of anxiety.

Money severely limits my options for help. I came across someone on social media offering Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), researched the approach and thought it might be relevant. I had a consultation with her and found her intelligent, but couldn't afford further sessions.

The idea of acting according to what matters to you even when anxiety and unpleasant thoughts are present makes sense to me. But I don't know whether ACT is right for me, whether the right therapist could make a real difference after my previous experiences, or how to find effective help when I have so little money.

I'm 61. I don't believe it's too late to change, but I feel the weight of the time I've lost and worry about what will happen if I continue this way. I have friends, including close friends, and I'm not completely alone. But I don't want every conversation to become another account of the same problems. I know they care about me, yet trying to handle everything alone isn't working either.

I'm not in the United States, so advice that depends on the American healthcare system, insurance or local support programmes may not apply. I'd particularly value suggestions that are realistic for someone with limited financial resources.

What bothers me most is that I've spent years trying to understand myself without finding a way to turn that understanding into consistent action. I don't need someone to tell me I'm intelligent or that I've achieved things, nor do I want to be told that none of this is my responsibility. I want to take responsibility for my life without turning it into another reason to punish myself.

Has anyone experienced something similar—not necessarily the same circumstances, but knowing a great deal about your problems, trying for years to change them and still repeating the same patterns?

For those who've been through something similar, what actually helped you move forward?

• How did you turn years of self-analysis into consistent action?
• How did you deal with avoidance and persistent anxiety when you understood what was happening (or not?) but still struggled to change it?
• Did you ever feel your ability to cope had become overwhelmed? What helped you recover it?
• Did you have disappointing experiences with therapists before finding someone or something that genuinely helped? What was different?
• If you were 61, with very limited financial resources and urgent practical problems, what would you prioritise first to rebuild stability?
• How did you learn to accept responsibility for past mistakes without spending the rest of your life punishing yourself?

I'm open to honest criticism and perspectives I may not have considered. I know I may have blind spots, and I don't expect everyone to agree with me. But I'm not looking for generic advice to think positively, work harder or love myself more. I've spent years reading, thinking and trying different things, and I need something more useful than that.

If possible, I'd appreciate some kindness, too. Not because I think I deserve special treatment, but because I've spent a long time being hard on myself and am struggling to find a way out.

If you've experienced something similar, especially later in life, I'd genuinely like to hear what helped, what didn't and what you wish you'd understood earlier. 

Thank you for reading this far, and for any thoughts you choose to share here!

I getttttt that this isn't necessarily the place for "revenge body", but I just want to feel like a bad b, look like a bad b, and carry myself like a bad b and this is my vow.

I started going to the gym again the other day, going to get my water in, and want to try new hobbies and activities to meet friends and stay active!

So TLDR:

Am 22, high fuctioning on the autism spectrum, always expected and wanted people to change for me and my needs, but instead was forced to change myself and become better against my will without knowing why. Built up an unfahomable amount of hate that manifested in slient distain to out right hatred for anyone and everything who wronged me (which just became life itself at ons). Hopelessly Longed for a past where the bad desicions I made werent happening, or a future where everything changed by my will. In the last month or so, I managed to pinpoint this flaw, but nothing I do allows me to let go of this notion to become better BECAUSE doing so just justified my hatred of being forced to change while It shouldve been other

Yestrday, I made a remark, and that caused a big conflict whose details I wont diclose, but now my closest justifly probably hate me. So that's my wakeup call, but now I still can't let go. Inner monologs, accepting reality, even trying some posts here. Everytime I try, my body and mind just cling harder, screaming for the past to change everso slightly and everything to be suddenly better. I know I cant stay like this forever, but nothing I can do helps, so I came here for advice.

I’m naturally pro-hard work because of my upbringing. I enjoy my job, but I have a habit of overdelivering, saying yes to everything and taking on extra responsibilities, partly for validation from management and SLT, but also because I genuinely enjoy/enjoyed the work itself.

It’s brought recognition and trust, but the trade-off no longer feels worthwhile. I have a good personal life and do other things in life, but I still find myself defaulting to work, particularly my primary 9-5, even when there’s no real need to do more. I also freelance, yet I still get disproportionately attached to and prioritise my main job.

I struggle to leave capacity unfilled. If I have time, I find more work to do. Intellectually, I know I don’t need to prove my value constantly, but I can’t seem to change that mindset. My job is rewarding, just not enough to justify how much space it takes up in my life, health and relationships.

For those who’ve managed to detach their identity from work,
1. What changed in your thinking?
2. How do you stop prioritising your primary employer by default, even when you genuinely enjoy the job?
3. How do you become comfortable doing enough without feeling compelled to do more?

I don’t want to become lazy or stop caring about my work. I want to retain my work ethic without letting my job dominate my priorities.

I had my first adult relationship back in April 2025. I never could believe i was able to find someone with all of my interests and hobbies, plus some more that I wanted to learn about, someone who cherished and loved me as much as he did, someone who even also had bipolar and understood me, AND was completely my type? The most handsome and attractive person I’ve ever known. I don’t feel attracted to people much. It’s very rare. I was so shocked how drawn to him I was. I was so shocked how he was never in a relationship either, both of us had the shared experience of people never being interested in us romantically. It was extremely awesome. I felt incredibly lucky. We were our firsts for everything. But I was constantly afraid of losing him, especially since my ex friend of 10 years left me half a year before I started talking to him, and I was furious and desperate to protect him from my miserable traits.

I’m going to give a bit of backstory to show the place that I have to start from in order to get better. I lived a very miserable life due to my abusive mom and enabler dad who would switch up at random times. My mom is genuinely the most miserable person I’ve ever known. All I grew up in was misery, her constantly telling me how much she wished I wasn’t me, and conditional affection and support and I don’t really remember any moment where I was genuinely happy without a manic episode happening that falsely elevated me or very tiny things that became the sole reason to keep waking up. I was constantly begging her to stop what she was doing to me, defending myself, begging for anyone to forgive me and listen to why I didn’t think i deserved this or that treatment, and found myself in abusive friend groups, and horrible coping mechanisms that has left me completely exhausted and lost, no idea how to handle conflict, how to have self esteem for myself without anyone providing it for me, how to have approval for myself, how to impress myself and show myself my progress instead of some other person I pedestalize, not pedestalizing anyone for having traits I wish I had in the first place, treating people I get very close to like human beings and not some higher being who could pardon me or do anything they wanted to me.

It was both of our faults, he would neglect me for days and get caught up in his life before randomly returning to plan a date or hang out and disappearing again for days and I quickly became addicted to him like a drug because I never knew when exactly I’d get to see him or hear from him again. I think that stems from my trauma. And I eventually fell apart, and would freak out and spiral and beg and apologize any time I did anything that frustrated him in the slightest. My ocd spirals worsened, and he couldn’t take it anymore and left.

I can’t deal with this. It’s been over 10 months, and I know he’s not coming back. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the kind of person who people eventually say, “I love and care about you, but I can’t do it anymore. We can’t be a part of each other’s lives anymore. Take care.” And then they leave. And then I lose a beautiful relationship forever, and the only thing remaining of it are any memories I didn’t forget about or physical objects. I’m in therapy. I’m doing all the work. But I’m crying every day missing everyone. He taught me a lot in that relationship, and left telling me that I’m the most miserable, selfish person he’d ever known, and that I spent all of my time stuck in the past, furious about how my life never went the way I wanted it to go, and constantly living in worlds where it did, when that isn’t my reality.

He’s right. I need help. And I miss him every second, it’s so painful to keep living without him. But I guess that’s the problem. He became my lifeline and he left feeling betrayed by that fact. People become your lifeline when you’re traumatized. It’s never supposed to be that way. I don’t know how to change my perspective on my life, when it has been as miserable as it has been, and I’ve missed opportunities that I want so badly, and I’m jealous and envious of everyone around me who has what I don’t have. This is an exhausting way to live. I don’t know how to be neautral about anything about me.

Exactly one year ago the girl I liked so so much got with their current girlfriend and that frankly, broke my heart. i thought I’d naturally get over it but I still can’t.

She was my best friend, and for a couple of years the only friend I had. I never really got a chance or courage to confess, but in my mind, she was kind of mine. I was just head over heels for her. She was also my first crush and therefore my first heartbreak.

I just can’t forgive her. I’m so mad at her—I tried talking it out with her many times and tried being her friend despite everything but I can’t. It isn’t fair. Or at least it doesn’t feel fair. After everything i gave up and have done for her.

My friend suggested me to just forgive her but I can’, not after how she has made me feel this last year.

I also have to see the two of them everyday at school. I just want to move on from this but I can’t and can’t understand why. Please help me

Hi folks. I (27M) and my boyfriend (28M) have been together 5 years. For the most part it has been smooth sailing. This year though we've had to have a fair few sit down talks about stuff, mostly caused by things I've been doing that I hadn't realised. I know now that I have dropped the ball and I need to put in more effort regarding engaging with conversations and my tendency to counter his opinions with the opposite for no real reason. I do tend to do a lot of black and white thinking, and for some reason I feel the need to defend things I don't even really care about or which should have more nuance than Good/Bad or True/False. I'm still trying to place why I do that to begin with.

Another thing is that I can be mean when I'm stressed, not like shouting and hurling insults, but snapping at little things he does or getting irritated so he ends up walking on eggshells.

Both times he sat me down to talk about this stuff, I cried a *lot*. I didn't even feel attacked or sad, we both always approach these things like a problem we solve as a team and he was making me aware of how he felt. But no matter how hard I try not to I just end up crying and then he comforts me. And I feel awful about it. If he is upset with something I've done I don't want him to have to comfort me after it. And he knows I cant control it and I'm not doing it to be manipulative, but he said it still makes him hesitate to bring up this stuff to me because he knows I will probably cry and then *he* feels awful and like he's ruined the day. How on earth do I stop that??

I used to be really good at communication, and I got better at controlling my anger after counselling 3 years ago but it's like I'm regressing to a younger version of myself that was bad at this. I worry I won't manage to fix myself and I'll push him away.

It's my second time coming here and needing some help, and I'm sorry if this sounds disorangized but, it is.

About two years ago, I got into the best relationship of my life, not just with a close friend but with someone I genuinely loved, and cared for so much, right as everything else around me collapsed into rubble, and I mean collapsed.

Within a week of knowing eachother we got together because, because we just enjoyed our company, and space a lot.

I was the first person she ever met who calmed, soothed and gave her space to comfort and soothe her traumas, something she still isnt over yet.

And while I was with her, I became homeless, had my future stolen from me, and had to watch my parents start fighting, physically and emotionally, I nearly got forced into going to places like the psych ward, kicked out of the house we had to live in for "not being good enough" and was constantly told I wasn't real enough to be loved, that I was not, and could never be a real person.

Abused both physically and mentally, thankfully physically was rarer.

But, this year, something in both of us changed, we went from joking constantly, coming up with ideas for eachother, helping and laughing and caring for the other, to me just, begging for help constantly, I started being unable to function on a daily basis, and she followed, we went nearly 3 months, from June to September arguing, becoming distant, and because we were getting distant, I felt like I had to fight for her love and affection compared to other friends who she gave it to, so easily, we both, in essence, lost ourselves.

I'm not unknowing, we talked about this and realized even though we wanted so many of the same things, she was avoidant, and I was anxious, our attachment styles were breaking us when BOTH of our lives were getting so much worse, she had bad college grades, her parents stopped loving her, she told me that she felt so bad coming home some days because I couldn't be there for her (we were sadly, and very painfully LD, and I was supposed to see her this month but, couldn't, my family didn't let me get an ID/Passport for 3+ years)

And so, earlier this month, about two weeks ago, we broke up.

She told me that she didn't want to lose me in her life, and still stay friends because ultimately, she realized she wasn't ready for a relationship, a real, committed one and wanted to work on herself first, bringing up the possibility and want, that she wants to get back one day, but not like this.

It's really hurt me a lot too, I knew I used to be, and well, am pretty codependent, not pretty, incredibly so, by the end of our relationship I basically only relied on her, and Jesus that was so... So unhealthy.. I look back at how I talked and how just, not good that was, I used to constantly shit on myself and I really don't want to anymore..

But it's gotten so much worse after we broke up, for the past two weeks ALL I've been able to think about has been HER, has been our relationship, to a point that I have to remind myself some days that we're not together anymore and, god it hurts so much...

Theres something she told me "it was never you" when we broke up that I hear almost daily in my memories, she told me that it was never me, but the fact she simply, got scared of how close we were, and felt like she had to leave.. even if she didnt want to..

I want to work on myself too, I've been out of therapy for 4 years by no choice of my own, same with actually doing what I love (gardening, trailing, hiking, camping, gaming, writing, witchcraft, and entomology: the bug kind) and I really want to reconnect with all of that, it's just I rarley have been able to...

I'm 20, a 20 year old trans girl, and thank you for listening to all this, I hope.

The part that makes it hurt too, is that, when I saw her this year, she promised to be engaged to me and start couples, and singles therapy.

i grew up in a messed up family, and was exposed to porn at the age of 6 i believe, it stayed in my life since then, and changed my perception of women and myself.

in 2023 and sat with myself after a situation ended in an allegation which has had a hold on my life for 3 years now and realised i have never made a girl i was close with comfortable because i always do something that ruins the friendship. like was i was 15, i walked a girl home and squeezed her chest and bum because i thought she would like that and things would lead from there. she laughed it off but her and her friends gave me looks or laughed towards me but i never knew the reason why i thought it was normal girl behaviour and never saw a fault in my behaviour.

that same year , i kissed a girl no consensually because i thought she would like that. she told me to never do that again. but still remained my friend. Both women forgave me after a while but i never understood or really deeped these situations.

age 17 a girl was interested in me and i asked her social media in the gym. she spoke with me alot and then invited me to a house party this was the first party i was ever invited to , she took me to a room and me and did things she told me and how to fin\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\* her and i asked to have sex she said no and i said please. this is one of my most shameful moments in my life and one of my regrets i have made. whilst we was drinking we were both intoxicated and she gave me oral after she got up i turned her around and in a way to initiate sex. she looked at me and said you just tried to have sex with me and everything went out the window. i was shocked because i didn’t realise the impact or behaviour i was displaying was immoral. i left the party in a cab and called her to apologise. later she called me and said ‘stop asking people if im okay or stop asking about me’ ‘at the end of the day you didn’t actually do anything’ and that was the end of that. i came home disappointed in my self for my behaviour. and im sure the people around me at the time heard these things about me and think im weird. maybe they are right.

age 19 my first year of uni, i made a very close friend , me and her often did things intimately alot, one night i have smoked heavily, and she called me, saying she was drunk and hasn’t seen me in a while and asked to come over, i oblige and said cool, we were both intoxicated and said she was sleeping here whilst i played overwatch. she took off all her clothes and bra except her panties,
she laid on me rubbing her self on me so i did the same and started fin\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\* her , i then got up as she said and pulled her waist then she arched her back, the deed started and she said ‘dont stop’ , it was like 4 seconds then she said she needed to pee so i stopped. i laid back thinking nothing of what happened. she comes back and lays on me, im rubbing her head and then she gives me head, for like 4 seconds then she gets up to the toilet and leaves. next morning she said that she doesn’t think any of that was consenting.

she speaks with my friends to tell her story and i speak to mine, questioning what happened, i started questioning myself am i a rapist? did i rape someone?and then i tell her part of my story. in the end she and i understood our part to play and there was a lack of communication. i went back to my family house feeling like it was over for me and my life is down , i will have this label on my head forever because of my behaviour. i sat with myself and realized my behaviour since a child has never been normal and immoral and i never grow to notice till i turned 19. I Everything hit me like a bus and for the next year, i would isolate myself from my friends and family, so they see me as a monster , i would often recall all my bad memories with girls and sit in the shame of my actions, i picked up smoking weed heavily and with create scenarios in my head that people are out to get me and people secretly discuss my behaviour with each other when im not around.

it got so bad that i lost so much weight and looks like a junkie, all i knew was shame and regret. i spoke to the girl every time i started spiralling down, each time i was met with a response which showed she moved on and didn’t care anymore and she wanted me to take care of myself. i reassured her time and time again that im not that person and regret that day alot. each time she understood and told me to take care of myself.

the issue is , I cant move on, its been 3 years and its all i think about, the regret and guilt eats me everyday. I entered a spiral of descent only caused from my lack of consideration and poor decision making. now i am a shell of a man, i smoke weed everyday, i still watch porn everyday, i failed uni 3 times as everyone around me graduated and moved on with their lives. I dont go to the gym anymore I just eat and smoke and think about my life decisions.

I believe this is real event ocd the recurring memories which haunt me. its impossible to get out off. it lead to looking for reassurance from friends to the point where they got tired of telling me the same thing. move on. but i cant. mentally. It lead me to fear of getting exposed for my pass doings. I often confess my secrets to regain stability but it brings me back to the ditch i placed Maybe this is my karma, I am irredeemable, I will never experience love, I have embarrassed myself since a child and nothing has changed about me.

Please be honest with me, what can i do.

It happens every year around this time. Once the sun starts setting early, and the days get colder, I feel like I have no reprieve from the sadness. I hate this time of year. I hate the cold. I hate the snow. I hate the shorter days. I always have, and I’m afraid I always will. Even as a kid, I would dread these months. Other boys my age would countdown the days until NFL football season starts…I would dread it because I knew winter was around the corner.

I’ve spent 28 years here in northeastern US, and can’t afford to move anywhere warm, anytime soon. I just have to grin and bear it.

I have a very bad habit of not leaving my house around this time, as I just don’t feel like dealing with any of it. The thought of driving in snow still terrifies me, even though I’ve been doing it for 12 years.

I do just about everything I can do to try and fix my depression. I talk walks, I’m in therapy, I call friends, I take VIT D, etc. I take l-theanine, ashwagandha, saffron, magnesium, etc. But it’s never enough. I feel like it’s getting worse and worse as the years go on.

I’ve done just about everything you could think of to cure my fall and winter blues…but I’m open to other suggestions.

Does anyone have any advice?

How do you stop resenting the fact that you never received the things other kids take for granted, like birthday gifts, money, clothes they like, or driving lessons paid for by their parents? I have to work hard and pay for everything myself, even basic necessities. Things like getting my G2 aren't urgent, but eventually, I'll need to pay for them.

I understand that these things are eventually my responsibility, but it hurts knowing I spent so much of my childhood sacrificing to get around money and never really getting to enjoy what I wanted, just surviving on needs. How do you accept that unfairness without becoming bitter, especially when you still have so much to pay for just to build an ordinary life?

I am about to graduate from college with a degree in writing at the end of the year. So, I decided to finally get to work on writing the oh-so-common "imaginary fantasy epic that only exists in daydreams" that's been in my head in some shape or form for the past few years. However, instead of feeling happy about finally putting my thoughts on a page, I kind of realized that writing it only got me angry because it didn't match the platonic ideal version of the story that had rested in my head for all these years.

But as I got more and more disattisfied with my writing, I had a massive epiphany about what's going on. For the longest time, I had seen prose through the lens of "one day, I will write the story I want to, and that story will make people care about me". I've realized this mindset was toxic and caused me to place an extreme amount of self worth in how well I could write, while also becoming unable to have fun writing the "dream story" I had always wanted to write because I keep thinking that it has to be great enough that people will actually want to talk about it. I even realized that this was why I became so angry over some of the other things I have been writing online (which I will not elaborate on) not getting the amount of traffic I believed they "deserved" due to how much effort I put into them.

I've been trying to change this mindset ever since I came to this realization about a week ago, but I've found myself unable to do as of now. Does anyone have any advice for how to develop a healthier mindset towards writing?

For context, I've been struggling my whole life with making friends or having romantic relationships, and I'm honestly exhausted.
Actually, It's very difficult for me to like people, whenever I meet someone, I directly notice things about their personality that I dislike and I usually feel that people don't share the same values with me.
However, because I truly value relationships, I try my best to understand them and respect our differences.
The problem is that I'm always the one trying and despite the efforts I put in those relationships I end up being hurt, people either lie or manipulate me or just are completely emotionally detached from me(which is worst)
After so many experiences like this i started hating people almost immediately, and I don’t want to get close to anyone anymore, I’m avoiding almost everyone because I'm exhausted by the thought of another friendship ending badly again.
This also affects my romantic life. It's already hard for me to genuinely like someone, and when I finally develop feelings for someone, things end up hurting me, and I think that having a romantic relationship might simply not be possible for me. I don't want to keep putting myself through this.
The irony is that I deeply value relationships, It’s literally one of the most important things for me, I've always admired people who have lots of friends and maintain close connections with others. I used to have so much hope that I would have that too if I do things right and I tried multiple approaches with people but the results are always the same. I don’t want to stay alone but I don’t think there is another solution.
Has anyone experienced this, how do you learn to accept differences and genuinely connect with people? And how do I stop becoming so resentful after so many repeated bad experiences?

For those who have social anxiety but also always were ambitious and/or wanted to improve themselves: what scary thing did you do despite your anxiety pulling you back?

Personally, I have had social anxiety since my teenage years and despite this I pursued multiple degrees and internships. Moved to multiple countries and was able to work in an international organisation. It has always been difficult to find people who are aligned with me when it comes to ambition (and I know it’s relative and ambitions look different to everyone) and having social anxiety. So I would love to hear some stories! :)

I was born in a Muslim Bangladeshi Family. I was the eldest in my family. Since childhood, as being the eldest I had to set an example for the rest of the family. From every public exams, admission test, cracking public engineering university, I was nailing it. But after graduation or maybe eve of graduation, I have started to grow a surreal idea of freedom: To leave the country, to leave my family once and for all and to start a new life, a restart. Because I realized the hardship I went through to set an example towards others, made me unhappy. Good grades doesnot guarantee happy life. I feel like I had to push my limit since childhood and the financial responsibility and awareness I had to built since then made me an unhappy being. In the back of my head, I realize that my parents are getting old and it’s my time to take care of them which I am planning to abandon. Then I would say to myself to be born was not my choice. The day I was born, It is to be sure that I shall be dead in any time. But in between those times I have my freedom to live however I want. The idea keeps me hooked for searching abroad opportunities but deep down is life all about family like the how the table turns.!?

There is no sugar coating it. I’m an abuser. I psychologically abused my partner for months, and I want to change. I want to do better. I’m miserable like this. I want to do better for her, me and everyone around me.

I’m a compulsive liar. I make fun of people. I downgrade them to make myself feel better about myself. I’m scared of being vulnerable and i struggle with empathy and showing emotions.

My sweet partner has endured hell because of me, and I’ve gaslight her and thrown her under the bus to make me the victim in all of this. And I’m sick and tired of living in this fabricated world of lies and anxiety I created. I want to be honest, vulnerable and able to be nothing but loving and caring. Because I know how to do that too. I’m just so stuck in my ways it overshadows everything.

When I lie I feel in the moment that I’m telling the truth, when I comment on her appearance i just think I’m making a joke, when I withhold love from her I’m telling myself I’m just busy. I want to stop my abusive patterns, but they are so deeply rooted in how I think I can’t even tell what I did until after the harm is done.

How do I work on that? How can I recognized own abusive behavior and stop myself before it’s too late?

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and for some time I was stuck in a victim mindset, how can he do that? Why so sudden? What did I do? Is he over me? Did he ever truly love me? And all these questions as if he has wronged me.

I was deeply in fantasy that I truly failed to recognise that we are not compatible, I used to think , "ya that happens, you have to compromise a little" but it wasn't a compromise, it was changing the whole image of a relationship, we both wanted different things . But we were still going on , now on this journey what i failed to understand was how controlling I am ... I became everything I feared in a relationship. I didn't want a controlling partner, I became one . I didn't want an angry partner, i became one. I didn't want a sceptical partner, I became one. I didn't release how much of an emotional burden I was putting on him. Controlling small things , what he does , how he does. He was still tolerating everything. But one day he gave up, and that deeply offended and hurt me . I was going insane like how can you do that to me?? And he was simply done with me. I never showed him the appreciation he deserved, never loved him back with the same intensity, said a lot of mean things during arguments that no one deserves to hear from their partner.

I was depressed and my anxiety was the worst since last week.

Now that I'm able to think clearly, I'm realising how bad i was for him and I'm glad he chose to leave. I have already apologised but I don't think I can ever be apologetic enough for the things I did.

We are going no contact, but I'm getting this constant urge to text him and apologise again and again because after breakup whole thing was on text , but I wanna call , I wanna hear his voice , I wanna look in his eye when I tell him that I'm so sorry for making things tough for you, I'm sorry for doing this to you. But of course I don't want to break no contact and annoy him.

I know he won't read this ever , but I wish happiness and health for him. May he be happy in life , May he finally relax and live his life freely. He's such a charming person with a great positive personality. I'm so sorry for snatching that lively spirit from him .

I'm working on myself, and i won't stop working till I stop thinking negatively, I stop this victim mentality and have a high self esteem. I don't know how to get rid of this guilt for making his life miserable.

I had yesterday off. I planned to finish a Coursera course and go to the gym. I usually feel like I need to do something useful on my days off. I woke up late and stayed on the couch. I didn’t check my work messages or email. I watched some TV and played Stardew Valley on nintendo switch. That night I made dinner and took a shower. I had pococo on while I read for a bit. I wrote a few lines in my notebook, then went to bed. I would usually feel guilty after a day like that. I didn’t study, work out, or finish anything. This time I felt rested.
Maybe I needed a day with nothing to do. I’d like more days like that. Do you feel guilty when you do nothing on your days off?

I'm (31M) most likely going to be taking a co-shop steward role for my union at work, and though I have a lot of knowledge about our contract and the union itself since I've been at my job since the union started, I can see that I am a bit intense and heavyhanded when talking to my co-workers, like a scolding older brother, rather than talking as equals and hearing them out first. I have Nonverbal Learning Disorder, which has some similarities with autism in terms of social skills and awkwardness, so there are already some setbacks by default, but I was wondering if there were smaller, practical habits I can take to be more effectively personable. Thanks in advance for hearing me out!

I was somewhat of a child prodigy. I wasn't on the level of Magnus Carlsen or anyone truly extraordinary, but I was ahead of everyone around me my age. At 4 years old I could learn anything. I was playing monopoly and was the designated 'banker' and never made mistakes. I could watch a movie once and recite the entire script back to you including the emotion and inflection in the character's voices. I could do a lot of things. Learning came easy.

I could learn things. I felt smart. Life looked promising.

That all changed when I was around 6 or 7 years old. I was playing bat catcher in a little neighborhood pickup game of baseball. The batter - whether intentional or unintentional, I'll never know - struck me in the head as hard as he could with the bat. I remember seeing colours, everything spinning and it knocked me out. I woke up screaming.

From that moment on everything was different. I had and still have extremely short term memory loss and aggression issues, and addiction issues as well. I was diagnosed with ADHD and the only way I could pass my classes was on stimulant medication.

I still can't learn anything. I've failed as a dishwasher, coffee shop barista, and everything else I've ever tried to do. Any time I read a book I can't remember anything I've read even if I read it 10 times. I'm too afraid to drive because actual lives are at stake if I make a mistake, which I know I will. I have a crippling porn addiction and no energy whatsoever to do anything.

I'm socially inept and have never dated in my adult life. Any time I entertain the idea of having a normal existence I'm just filled with anger at what could have been.

I'm in my mid 30s now and every second of every day is spent wondering who I could have been if not for that one event.

Maybe I'd be a doctor or something. I'll never know. Or at the very least, maybe I'd have a career and be able to function properly in life.

I've just been rotting for so long. I have been mostly supporting myself with online poker for years which is the only thing I've ever felt like I don't completely suck at. I've made more money doing that than any entry level job would ever pay me. I've had jobs by the way, I've just always sucked at them.

I don't know how to stop feeling like this. I hate myself, my life, how I burden everyone around me and how I just can't figure out even the basics. I don't even know what my best case scenario is in life. A part of me wants to be happy in a normal functional way, and another part of me wants to disappear and just have a little cabin on a lake and wait to die.

What does it actually mean to 'change my attitude' as I've been told many times I need to do?

Hey, i have had some depressive episodes truh all of my life, lately i have been starting to feel bad again because of the "loop". Y'know that one phrase that says nothing bad is forever but neither is the good" ? I Know that kind of thinking is suppose to bring comfort, but it fills me with anxiety. I Dont think the bad things are worth the good. I feel too much, usually when something changes i think about It forever and its painfull. I do manage to move on and re-try things, but lately I just dont think its worth It anymore. I Dont want to go truh the pain of the bad if the good will eventually vanish again. But I feel that thats Just life, and i hate that, you know the kind of very-not-nice Thoughts that hating life Leads to.

I Dont know how to change it honestly, thats life, and it seems too painfull for me even though Its such a simples concept. I Dont know how to make it seem worth It, The cycle of losing to gain something new haunts me.