So happy to be myself again. It's better than any high I've ever had. I feel joy in my heart and a peacefulness that I sit with, and it's the best feeling in the world. To anyone struggling... just remember, how far you walk into the woods is how far you have to walk out. You can do it. Recovery is possible, my friends.

My birthday is in about 15 minutes. Im so excited to have a sober birthday for the first time in 12 years!!!

I started using in some form or another when I was 14. Ive done just about everything except put a needle in my arm. I've snorted enough to make Charlie Sheen look like a casual user. Im ashamed of who I was and the things I did. I suppressed the real me for over a decade. Im finally free from that chokehold of addiction. I know this will be a life long battle I will have to fight every day until I pass, but its a fight im willing to take. Ive finally gotten to see the adult me, the true person that was suppressed for so long. Ive started to have a really good relationship with my family again, I've picked up some old hobbies I've forgotten about. I love this version of myself, I love not worrying about when im going to get my next fix or how im going to have to lie, cheat, or steal to get it. I love the person I'm becoming. I'm finally starting to feel real emotions again.

Im sorry for the rambling thoughts. I'm just glad I made this decision and got the help I needed and I'm glad I'm alive to make it to my next birthday and have it SOBER!!! thoughts. I’m
If you read all of this thank you, I hope you’re doing well in your recovery. Much love.

I’m on a night shift and I’m done in about an hour, but it hit me that October 11th was four years for my sobriety. I missed it because I had other things going on, mainly my Aunt passing away in hospice. After her funeral on Saturday, my mother gifted me a tiger’s eye gold ring that my aunts husband (my uncle) owned before he passed. This was October 10th, the day before my anniversary.

My uncle was the first sober person I met, and I’m just realizing it now as I look at the ring on my finger. I remember him telling me a story of some guys at his work having drinks after a shift and excluding him because he didn’t drink, and he told me that day that alcohol is the only drug people expect you to justify not using. This was one of the last conversations I had with him, and it stuck with me even though I didn’t really remember it until now.

I never struggled with addiction. So to talk about this sometimes feels like stolen valor. I don’t have the same physical and mental struggles of staying sober as many do. I’m fortunate in that way. But the social struggles remain. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell my mother in law’s partner I don’t drink, I’m still offered a beer every time I’m at their house. Harmless, sure, but it’s like my personal sobriety is seen as something not to be taken seriously. At my wedding, I had a sign at the bar that stated “the groom doesn’t drink, but feel free to ‘buy one’ for him in the form of a donation” with a basket that took donations for the SPCA, which we donated in our friend’s name who had passed away. Which I loved. That was a major memory from my wedding that I’ll always hold dear, but the fact that I had to put up that sign to avoid having people buy me drinks was strange.

I was first sober from 2012-2017. I drank again off and on. Never really enjoyed it. I’ve seen so much death and destruction from it that I just simply don’t want to take part in it. I don’t hate others for drinking, it’s just not my thing. So four years ago I had my last drink before getting on a plane as I wanted to calm my nerves. Later that year I made the decision to just never drink again after yet another person I knew died while drinking and driving.

Anyway. Uncle John passed that on to me, the whole justifying being sober. I thought it was interesting that I was gifted his ring the day before my fourth year living a sober lifestyle. Ka is a wheel, as it’s been told.

​

I'm an alcoholic and I have used some drugs.

I went to Narcotics Anonymous for the second time today. I'm so happy about the community that I have gotten from there and I feel like I'm finally understood about things.

I thought no one would understand me but they actually did understand :)

As the title says, I am 2 weeks sober and headed to the doctor Monday morning. I haven’t been sober for 2 weeks in probably 10 years. I just turned 30 a few weeks ago, my birthday was actually my last bender. I was never a daily drinker. Just absolutely hammered beer and wine Thursday-Sunday every single weekend since I was a freshman in college roughly 11 years ago. I pick up 2 cases of beer and a bottle of wine every Thursday on the way home from work. All I have left by Monday morning was normally a handful of beers.

My girlfriend encouraged me to get checked out. So I scheduled an appointment with a PCP. I have some symptoms. Blood pressure is about 135/100. I feel like I can get that under control by just dropping weight. I’ve gotten a beer belly these days. Packed on about 40 pounds in these last 7-8 years. However I am scared for my liver and kidneys are cooked. I’ve had a burning sensation under my right rib cage that comes and goes for the past few years. I just worry about my kidneys because I have some foamy urine. I feel like I’m going to get really bad news. Please pray for us.

Hello everyone. I would like to preface this by saying that today is my 36th day of sobriety, but I am facing homelessness as today after my first time with an Oxford house.

To start this story off, I got out of rehab after a 28 day stay on 10/09/2026. I found out very late into rehab that my family wanted me to live in an Oxford house rather than stay with them. I am 23 if it matters. I asked for an emergency interview for a house in an area I like (this all took place in Lincoln, NE) and immediately got accepted, and moved in two days later the day my release was from rehab.

My drug of choice is 7oh, mgm15, and mgm16. Kratom Alkaloids only, and I would occasionally partake in delta 8/thc p gummies. I was only drug tested once during rehab, the first day I arrived which was 9/11/2026. My sobriety date is 09/10/2026. I was never drug tested again until the day I entered my Oxford house, which was 10/09/2026. I used the kratom alkaloids VERY heavily, spending easily $100 a day on my addiction just for some context.

Basically, I had a very bad first impression around the two most senior member of the house. I popped hot for kratom, and I also popped hot for marijauna immediately after arriving and signing the initial
paperwork/getting a tour. I have never been sober for this long since I started using which was about the very beginning of 2025, so I had zero clue this would or could have happened and I was not prepared at all. I wasn’t trying to argue or make myself sound worse than it had already looked. I apologized, I told them I didn’t know what to say, and all they could ask was “be honest bro, did you relapse today?” All I could tell them was I didn’t have a good answer/ and that I had no good excuse to give them because I had just gotten out of rehab that same day and I would have not been so stupid to risk homelessness over getting high a single time. None of them knew about 7oh and kratom alkaloids and all they were telling me was that they were highly skeptical because when they would look up kratom (im assuming they used google AI or chat gpt…) it told me that it’s supposed to stay in your system for only 10 days or up to more than two weeks. I was dumbfounded. All they told me was that they would give me until next Friday to pass a UA and I didn’t argue at all and I agreed and thanked them and apologized again for such a bad first impression of myself. Specifically: “We will give you one more week to pass a UA”, and that was that… they didn’t really want to hear me try to defend myself either as they told me that they have heard this same conversation 100 different times in 100 different ways. To me that felt as if they were comparing me to somebody who has relapsed trying to justify it or trying to lie their way into not being removed from the house, so I shut my mouth and apologized! It was very clearly they had zero trust for me and they didn’t believe I had maintained sobriety throughout the day of my release, so I didn’t want to push it at all. They didn’t even understand how I was popping hot for cannabis and honestly, I was confused too, because I would take an edible a week if even (granted d8 thc p edibles 100% take the longest amount of time to leave your system) PSA also that a guy I met this week in IOP who was on the same drug took 58 days to piss clean, so I have no clue if I have only 10 days left or so of peeing hot.

This is where things get even more worse. I am immediately kind of manic sometimes, especially when living in new living situations or being sober for any amount of time, and I will tend to talk to myself a lot and sometime act sort of intense and all over the place. I have been told by multiple members and asked by multiple members or told by a 3rd party such as the president that the senior members of this house have accused me of being high or using. Nothing ever came out of it, but it is whatever because honestly it feels like these senior members have been acting so elitist and snobby over me in their sobriety over me and have not really given me a fair chance to explain myself or get to know me. Everyone else who has given me the benefit of the doubt to get to know me and such I believe has honestly liked me to a decent extent and have been shoulders to lean on.

Throughout this whole week I have been scrambling all over the place to ask the friendly house members and my IOP what I should do about this whole situation. Their only advice was for me to ask for a motion to use labcorp tests instead of the house UA’s because they test drug levels; meaning I could use the initial test I took at IOP as a baseline/benchmark for my current drug levels, and utilize subsequent tests to show that the level of drugs in my system are in fact going down. Last night as of 10/15/26, the senior house members told me that they could not work with me on that. They blamed this whole situation on me. They told me I never advocated for myself that first night I got there, and that if I thought that I would have taken up to another month to pass a drug test for kratom, I should have made it clear to them. I honestly thought that the night I failed was a swim or die type of situation and that they were throwing me as much rope as they possibly could. But as of last night they are making it clear to me that if I told them that I needed more time to pass a UA from the beginning, they would have worked with me. I was simply trying to just listen to them and go with the flow and I wasn’t trying to freak out over failing my UA and I wasn’t trying to make myself sound guilty, even though I honestly had no clue that day I would still have ended up pissing hot on a UA which again, was the same day I was released from rehab. My rehab never informed me or prepared me for this situation. The house tell me they feel bad for me, but they are telling me that they are trying to do the right thing per the house sobriety rules and that they will have me voluntarily leave the house once I fail the drug test which will happen sometime today 10/16/26. I have made it clear to them that I have been taking UA’s of my own throughout the week, and that the UA test I took with lapcorp at my IOP Monday says that I am popping hot still and that I am just sorry and I don’t know what to do… and all the people in the house are telling me is that I might as well just do it and take the UA because I have nothing to lose… but I am so humiliated.

Last night was my 35th day of sobriety. I am now leaving the Oxford house sometime around noon today (10/16/26) or so unless they make me move sooner. I am so humiliated as I am completely sober, and I am now going to be living in my car as soon as 7 days after I have left rehab. This is making me hate my sobriety and want to relapse so bad and just give in because my situation hasn’t improved one tiny bit. I don’t know what to do with my life or myself. I am scared. I have never been completely homeless before.

I accidentally got addicted to 7oH around may, I’m finally clean after being on and off again it was literally so hard to stay off of it but I couldnt take it anymore. I’m also clean from smoking meth for like a year and doing ketamine. Both were really hard to quit but nothing as bad as 7oH obviously it’s damn near no different than getting off fentanyl which I would know two-three years ago I got clean off fentanyl thankfully I only did it for like two or three months but it already did a number on my mental health after that I kept relapsing on meth because I couldn’t stay sober than I started doing ketamine because I wanted yo stay off meth but I ended up doing both that lead to psychosis. Then I found 7oH after I moved bc I couldn’t stand being sober. I just started a new antidepressant. I’m not doing well. I know it’s takes time for the medication to work but I feel like I’ve fried my brain. I’m so lazy I don’t even care to type this properly and I probably sound stupid af. But I have no motivation whatsoever. I feel like I have nothing to look forward and I’m 26 years old. I’m still young and I’m beautiful and intelligent. But the past couple days all I want to do is get high. I finished an ounce of k in like less than a week and after that I basically had nothing and no money. And I hate everything. I’m tired of my phone and I basically just want to crawl out of my skin. All I want to do it get high right now. And I have no energy and I feel like shit all the time. I even tried to drinking and smoking weed which I do do either anymore and I still feel like shit.

Hello! I’m sorry it’s a long read, the back story is vital. 🙏

So, I’ve been struggling with addiction from ages 15 to 36. Essentially my entire life, I’ve used various types of “legal” opioids in one form or another. I started by stealing my mother’s hydrocodone (she was prescribed it for back pain) for years, and that went on from age 15 until I was about 23.

That was the beginning as well as the extent of my “real” opioid addiction, and I thank God that I never sought out anything from the street (never heroin, fentanyl, etc.). Once I was no longer able to get pills by stealing my mother’s prescription, I discovered Kratom (around the very beginning of the boom). Powdered Kratom stayed my main source for several years, and I took extracts as they became available, etc.

Eventually, around 2022, a smoke shop I frequented had me act as a guinea pig for what turned out to be the devil in a pill. Tianeptine came into the picture (under the guise of an innocent winged horse). That turned into one of my most expensive habits to date. It was a miracle I was able to get off of it because it was both shameful and costly. I stopped around 2025, and then I transitioned to another demon: 7-OH. Its availability has turned out to be very problematic.

All of that history to say: my addiction has affected my life in so many ways. I have so much wasted potential. I was officially diagnosed with inattentive-type ADHD, which I’ve had my entire life untreated, even today. I am capable, intellectual, and passionate about so many things, but my addiction has led me to a point where I can’t do anything and I have no desire to. Throughout the years, I had periods where I’d study, read, learn foreign languages, and be productive. I’ve taught myself several languages, including Spanish, Portuguese, Modern Greek, beginner Russian, and beginner Japanese. I love linguistics, but I have had no desire to continue for the past four years.

I was a hairstylist for 20 years. I love doing it, but I encountered many roadblocks on the business side of salons and switched to corporate work. I now work at an amazing company with amazing benefits, but I’ve fallen into a self-destructive cycle of mental stress, anxiety, depression, and a lack of organization. I could blame my ADHD, but I know it’s my addiction, and I yearn to quit. I don’t know what sobriety will look like or if it’s possible.
I don’t know where to start. I have benefits through my job, but I’m also at a point at my company where my performance is putting me in a very, very bad spot that needs to be remedied urgently. The only way to fix it is to get clean, but I feel I don’t have the standing or ability to go through detox and still perform as I need to. I’m getting a new apartment at the same time that so much is now unknown. This is a lot of information and a very complex backstory. Thank you to those who read this. Any advice is so greatly appreciated.

I am 72 hours into withdrawal of 7oh and I am starting to feel like a normal person again, I had only been taking it since May of this year but I did quickly build up to a need of 200mg+/day. I eventually tapered to 40mg a day then quit cold turkey and taking a week off of work to endure the withdrawal. The first 48 hours is hell on earth but today I am feeling like I can do this and be a normal person again. I fell into this accidentally as per a friend’s recommendation and got to a point where I felt like my life was completely reliant on 7oh, but there is hope! Taper down and then just treat it like a terrible flu is how I am going about this, and as of today it feels like it’s possible to overcome. Wishing everyone the best who has found themselves in a similar situation.

He is in allred unit in wichita, falls

He can be reached through securis. TDC number that's supposed to be 02492081. His name is Joshua Harris, he's just looking for a pin pal that can help him pass. What time he has left? He is an addict that's had a lot of bad times

Today would have been a month sober, but I relapsed lastnight. Went to a friend's house (I have not seen this friend since the day I got sober a month ago) I knew going over there would make me want to drink & I bought the alcohol before I even went there. Drank & left to do coke by myself at home. crashed & woke up a few hours later at 2 am & have been restless since. I was literally hours away from being a month sober. I was proud of myself for once. I feel defeated. I was so happy to be sober, but the second I took my first shot I felt all of that melt away. Been struggling a bit lately, but not too bad. I have definitely seen worse days, but the alcohol made me immediately happy. The addicting and fake happiness only substances can bring. It's not real happiness or relief, but mad does it feel like it is. I have been struggling with substance abuse since I started drinking at 14. I started drinking HEAVILY at 14 & it never stopped. I remember being nervous to get my ID flipped when i turned 21 because I didn't trust myself to make alcohol even that much easier for me to get my hands on. I am 22 now almost 23. I have made endless mistakes & done plenty of fucked up things while using. I just wish this was easier damnit. today is another day. time to start again.

I was sober for 51 days and I went to a rave and consume drugs.

I’m not in active addiction and I don’t have the urges to continue to consume drugs outside those events that only happen twice a year plus a festival but when this happens it’s really difficult to go back to my routine of going to the gym and make music. I only want to lay in bed and doomscroll without a purpose.

Tomorrow is a new day so I hope I can be more active than I was since Sunday.

2 days sober and counting

Just over 2 years clean and sober.

Did your skin turn into a sensitive little bitch afterward, too?

And I don't mean just your face. I mean the ENTIRETY of the organ. All 20-something square feet of it. My skin has apparently decided that existing is an inflammatory event.

Is this a sobriety thing, an aging thing, or has my epidermis just become a dramatic little cunt?

Hey all, I’m in outpatient 3 days a week 3 hours per day, on week 3 of 10. Had my first stint in inpatient to detox off 7OH (kratom) after an awful summer breaking up with a traumatizing ex.

Yesterday, a woman I barely know from my outpatient group called me completely wasted and blacked out, and I ended up calling EMS at her request to get her to the ER. I spent 45 min on the phone with her because she called me (I gave her my number in group as a friendly gesture) and it was apparent she had no one else to go to.

I feel re-traumatized and angry. I just went through hell getting out of a relationship where I had to call EMS on my ex multiple times when he OD’d after I expressed emotions he didn’t like. I have discussed my trauma around this in group while this woman was present. And here I am again being forced into the caretaker role when I was just trying to be nice by giving this woman my number. I need to focus on my recovery.

The woman is now texting me asking what happened and can we talk, saying she woke up in the ER. She obviously remembers nothing. She laid a ton of severely scary traumatizing stuff on me in that phone call, during which I also tried to help her not hyperventilate multiple times with breathing techniques. Am I wrong to not want to talk to her? Am I wrong to not go back to that group that I found so comforting the first two weeks? I’m pretty upset and just want to focus on my recovery.

For context, was doing really good for about a week and a half. No urges, no purchases, nothing. Deleted my plugs number and everything.

I thought I only had a problem with coke, but looking deeper I definitely have a problem with any substance as I am the type of person that will pick one thing up and keep going until I really feel the affects (can’t stop). I went out with my friends on Friday and planned on only drinking a little. Anyways, met up with someone who I considered a friend. I was extremely drunk, but nothing concerning, just having a good time. He took me to the bathroom and said “you want some coke and ketamine?” I was so drunk, but still managed to say “No, I need to be sober.” He ended up just convincing my drunk mind that I would need the coke to be more sober as I was “too drunk to function.” I can’t argue with that. It’s my fault for even taking it and saying yes, but here’s the thing. I don’t think he even gave me coke, I think he only gave me ketamine. I say this because minutes later I’m falling over and barely able to stand. He tells my friends he’s going to take me back to his friends place.

Anyways, I get back to our friend’s place and everyone is getting ready to swim. I’m in my underwear, but so drunk I can’t even stand up. He takes me to the bathroom and instantly is taking off my underwear and aggressively making out with me. By this point I’m falling over, and I actually fell and hit my head and elbow very hard. I’m still bruised. The entire time I’m crying worried about my friends. Anyways, we get to the pool and I’m just a mess. I’m crying, can barely stand, and being fed more shots. He’s touching me and performing oral and the whole time I’m just crying and telling him I need my friends. Probably 2-3 hours go by and I can finally leave. I book it to the bathroom where I’m calling and face timing my friends. The videos are still on my phone, I’m foaming at the mouth, drooling, barely able to make words out, but some of the texts are clear and say “I need to leave.”

Finally my friends pick me up and I’m just a mess. I’m so ashamed I let that happen to myself, I’m ashamed I relapsed, I’m ashamed about everything.

I just fall asleep on the floor in my living room and wake up to my entire family (who I don’t leave with as I live with my friends) in there. They’re taking me to the hospital. I had hid my addiction from all of them up until that point.

Anyways, I’m being evaluated for treatment this week, but my entire family thinks I’ll probably be put in outpatient rehab. What would I be looking at with that? I’m still a full time student with a super busy schedule. I don’t want to lose my academic standing at all.

I’m not sure whether this counts as an NDE.

I was asleep, about six months sober, only 27 and I think I may have had an asthma attack in my sleep, though I don’t know for sure. I remember a vivid dream like experience where I knew I was dying or passing over. I didn’t float out of my body. I went through a tunnel towards an intensely bright, fluorescent white light. I usually find fluorescent light uncomfortable, but this felt warm, safe and protective. I was then surrounded and at one with the light in an infinite space but it wasn’t scary, it was very peaceful.

There were entities that communicated with me telepathically. They seemed to tell me I’d lived a lot of lives by that age and asked if I wanted to move on. They showed me where it all went “wrong”, where my addiction started with no judgement and gifted me the feelings my parents felt towards me, which was indifference but it didn’t hurt. It’s hard to explain. I felt completely peaceful and in harmony, as if I was there as my soul or spirit rather than my body and I knew everything would be okay.

I don’t remember making a clear choice. The impression I’m left with is that they said something like, “Maybe you’re not finished yet. You should go back.” I wonder if I was speaking to spirit guides and being given the choice to continue this life, to finish what my soul had come here to experience or to pass over.

The fact that I was only six months into sobriety and recovery makes me wonder if that was connected somehow. I don’t take it as proof of anything and I can’t be sure what happened medically or whether it was a dream. But the experience has stayed with me. Has anyone had something similar, especially being offered a choice or told to return? Did it connect with your recovery or how you understood your life afterwards?

sup everyone I am currently trying to be sober (ganja was my choice) and I dont have any specific problems with not using it's just that often times I find myself so bored that no amount of work/videos/games could ever scratch the itch. Now I understand that from me being a chronic user (5 yrs+ everyday) the serotonin and dopamine receptors are fried and obviously that's not making it easy. The closest feeling to that is being with my significant other but often times one of us leaves for work or has to travel and I find myself thinking and itching to "maybe just do it this one time". I have been active for all my life and have always been an athlete and that's actually how I got into it (the recovery aspect of it, not feeling sore etc) I hit the gym but and occasionally go out in nature to "reconnect" but I am wondering and asking everyone that reads this what a solid replacement would be..? Like should I get a bicycle and drive it more, take on running (a lot of addicts I know are taking that route) maybe a combat sport I honestly dont know. I am open to any suggestions and offer my support to everyone struggling or dealing with any type of addiction and am in no way shape or form trolling or trying to be insensitive, but rather curious...

I have decided to get sober. I think I can do this. I think that I have to. I am scared though. I'm already mourning the life that I had before.

I am scared that by not using it will cause my connections with my friends to change, and I may lose them. so much of our time together involves using, pregaming, going out to clubs, and just bonding while using. I'm 18, and in college, and so many of my friends are still trying to party and have their fun. I don't want to be the only one that isn't. I know that I could be at these gatherings while sober, but it's different when you're not partaking. there is less of a bond.

I'm an anxious person too. using makes social events so much easier. drinking makes conversations flow, using makes me comfortable existing and dancing when out or at the club. beyond anxiety, it makes everything feel more enjoyable. music, art, food, it all just feels elevated. I know that these things can be enjoyed without it, but I'm going to miss that extra feeling.

I am scared that I won't feel okay sober. I struggle with my mental health and using has been a crutch for me for so long. I'm not sure I know how to exist and live with myself sober. I've done counseling before, but I'm not sure it helped yet. I'm starting it again soon anyway, it's all I know to do that seems healthy and possibly helpful.

I don't think I'll miss feeling reliant on external objects or substances. I won't miss stressing about how I'll get or afford substances. I won't miss the hangovers, lost memories, or withdrawals. I won't miss the bad connections I made just because we both used.

I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this, maybe just to put it down somewhere. I have a lot of uncertainty about getting clean and sober, but I'm hoping it'll turn out to be okay.

Not sure if this is appropriate to post. but I have been sober from IV heroin, methamphetamine, cocaine, crack, etc., you know, everything you can think of since July 2021. I got clean when I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son in 2020, I relapsed briefly after he was born and then got sober for the last time in 2021 when I found out that I was pregnant with my second son.

Their dad was a long-term meth user and still is… the kind that hears voices, believes everyone else hears them too, and believes that violence is the only way to get someone to “tell the truth “

I was lucky to escape with my life from that relationship. and have spent the last five years healing. But admittedly lonely. I’ve tried talking to so many different men in so many different ways, apps, IRL, Facebook, people I knew from when I was younger, etc, but even some men that I spoke to consistently, I never could get up the courage to see them in person.

Eventually, someone I never really expected to have feelings for, I continued to chat with, and I’m finally on my way to go see him.

I am so fucking nervous!

SO NERVOUS.

Like literally shaking from head to toe, I already got off the train once and got back on.

I realized that I’ve never gone on a single date without having a drink or drug so I’m sure that contributes. But really, I just wanna know what the fuck is wrong with me?

Has anyone else had similar experiences with dating again after a long breaks? How do you handle the anxiety?

I don’t know if I should post here or where bc I can’t find an appropriate sub.

My main issue was always alcohol followed by weed.

I have an ed (eating disorder) I’m struggling severely with the idea of giving it up forever bc ik this time in recovery is it I can’t go into my 9th year of half assed recovery. I can’t do anything I want in life if I don’t get better.

I was two years sober from alcohol and weed at the end of September

I had a 5 hour crisis last night. I talked to two different crisis lines at two different times for like 5 hours total. This ended at 5am

I wanted to kill myself because of my eating disorder because I can’t go on like this but I’m afraid to get better

I need to be sent into ed treatment so I don’t kms

The whole reason i became an alcoholic because I was terrified I’d have a suicide attempt in 2022 and I didn’t want to self harm anymore. So I began drinking and it spiraled out of control.

Then I started smoking weed

It made me eat more and distracted me

I began drinking and smoking

I stopped both in 2024 a day apart

I was high all the time and drinking on and off back then

I went through sober living and an online substance treatment AA meetings for at least 6 months I had a sponsor (not anymore)

I don’t drive that’s why I stopped going to AA my ride stopped taking me and I don’t like the online meetings

I bought and smoked a weed vape today

I did it bc I was afraid I’d kill myself if I didn’t smoke or drink while I wait to try to get into some type of residential

And while yes weed isn’t physically addictive it’s psychologically addictive and no t something I know I can moderate long term

So far I took a single hit earlier I know at some point I’ll lose control of it and green out and maybe even be fucked up at work

It’ll lead to drinking

If I drink it’s over

I won’t stop this time

Drinking was so hard to stop

And I’m of age so I can actually get this stuff

I started drinking at 19 I couldn’t get it back then I took my mom

She only has wine I don’t particularly like wine and I refused to allow myself to know how to actually open a bottle of wine (she got rid of the liquor cuz of me)

I don’t think I’m completely sober but I’m not high out of my mind

Part of me is screaming at myself part of me is riddled with guilt

I can’t do it again but I can’t kill myself so I have to get high

And i absolutely can not drink but I will drink if it comes down to that or killing myself

And yes I could’ve gone to the hospital but I have obligations related to family members birthdays and if I were to go today I wouldn’t be able to make the cake tomorrow. And the hospital might delay treatment and getting therapy

So idk what to do idk why I’m posting idk what I’m looking for I’m probably gonna get high again soon

Soon I’ll probably start hating myself for it and feel trapped in it and start drinking

Idk maybe I just wanted someone to know

So I’ve been struggling with a 2 year cocaine addiction and have multiple attempts at sobriety in that time.

Today I bought some from my dealer and on the way home threw it out. This is the first time this has ever happened - once in my possession it’s go time, baby.

This was such a huge victory for me today and really gave me a feeling of empowerment and agency again over this. Don’t have too many people to share this with so wanted to express it hear

Thanks for listening :)

Yes I am prescribed it but man does it mess me up. I am struggling so hard to get off of it. Please don’t come here defending vyvanse if it works for you. I find people get very defensive on Reddit about it.

Hi all!

Hope everyone is well and kicking their goals.

I just thought I would share some thoughts.
Last night I went out to dinner with my bosses and a client from interstate. My bosses have always been big drinkers but the client and myself were not drinking.
In the space of 2.5 hours they both had 17 standard drinks each I was gobsmacked.
I could see and feel the decline in conversation.
I could see some anxiety creep into their thoughts knowing half the table was sober and they were not.
I could see the desperation to get another drink as their current one was ending.

Have come to work today and neither of them have shown up.

I thought I would share this and say thank goodness for being sober!
I would have been right there with them waking up with anxiety what did I say what did I do thoughts.

Keep going everyone this is a much better life I truly believe it.

I feel so bogged down, man. It’s not just the weed, we have an unlimited supply of stimulation that is absolutely frying my brain. We weren’t meant to live like this. At least, we’re pioneering this exhausting new world of human existence.

I noticed recently how, after about a week of staying away from weed, my dreams intensified, typically nightmares with impending doom or danger. During this uncommon period of extended abstinence, I can feel my focus strengthening, my mood stabilizing, and my cognitive abilities start to return. Very early in the game, and there’s much more recalibration to do than is possible in 1 week, but at least there’s that.

But then I noticed how absolutely miserable and sad I am on the way home from work, not just once, but pretty much everyday. Really anytime I’m alone with my thoughts is when I feel the most intense despair…but it’s kind’ve comfortable and familiar. When I’m with my coworkers or family, I’m mostly serious or withdrawn. Occasional quips or witty remarks, yea, remnants of a once livelier spirit. But mostly emotionless and robotic. Definitely inter sped with moments of high anxiety.

Then, a week later, when I’d smoke again after the hiatus, I’d feel myself laughing almost immediately with whichever friend usually sparks me up. I laughed and almost instantly recognized how I hadn’t laughed the entire sober week beforehand. Except this wasn’t a joyful laugh. It was an utterly broken and desperate laugh. I was observing in real time how absolutely cooked my brain chemistry is.

So, I guess I can expect much more bouts of intense dreaming and anhedonia in the near future. Probably for much longer than that too if I intend to fully rewire my brain to a healthy state…if that’s even possible. Is it?

Idk how I’m gonna do it. I’m in like a double bind. 95% of my social life is centered around or takes place tangentially to some drinking/smoking opportunity. And if I’m gonna go be miserable in general, I’m definitely going to be miserable in a setting where I can’t partake in the very thing making me miserable.

I have a primary doctor’s appointment this month, I pray they will give me resources for therapy or something. God help me.