Guys, those who managed to improve your lives through self development

What was the most important factor and what percentage of importance would you give to these items

\- attitude (the overall reflection, review, strategy, planning, introspection, etc you had)

\- discipline (sticking to whatever attitude and choice you had and just doing it)

\- choice (finding the correct gym, the correct trainer, the correct job, the correct exercises, the correct books, etc)

Basically what im asking is should i focus more on finding the best solution, analysing and developing any solution with specific planned tasks, or just actually doing the tasks themselves?

You cant develop without all 3 but you can for example not analyse all choices accurately (jump into too early), spend too much time planning instead of doing, or performing tasks that although good dont offer enough results?

Or rather what seemed to work for you, upon reflection.

I hope this makes sense?

What can I do to change my life when I feel like I'm stuck in a never-ending loop, doing the same things every day without making any real progress?

What would you do if you felt depressed, lost, exhausted, afraid of the future, or unsure of which direction to take in life?

How would you begin to rebuild yourself when you don't know where to start? What practical methods, habits, or changes would you make to break free from this cycle and start moving toward a better life?

I'm not looking for empty motivation or advice like "just be positive" or "work harder." I want honest, practical strategies that actually work.

If you were in my position, how would you approach the situation step by step? What would you change first, what would you stop doing, and what would you focus on over the next 30, 90, and 365 days to become a better, stronger, and happier version of yourself?

I have a very oscillating discipline where I'm disciplined for 10% of the time and then fall back for 90%. I'm stuck in this cycle for years.

All the disciplined folks: how do you do it? And is it really worth it?

A Life Lived on My Own Terms

One Man’s Journey Through Family, Sports, Violence, Mistakes, and Redemption

Prologue: Looking Back at 49

I’m 49 years old, and when I look back at my life, I sometimes have a hard time believing how much I’ve experienced.

Some people grow up, go to school, get a job, get married, raise a family, and settle into a predictable routine. My life has never really worked that way. I’ve had incredible highs, some devastating lows, missed opportunities, bad decisions, and experiences that could have ended my life before I was old enough to understand what it meant to live.

I was a talented athlete. I played football, baseball, basketball, and lacrosse. I had a full scholarship opportunity to play lacrosse at Syracuse University, and at 18, I traveled to Australia with Team USA. By most measures, I had the potential to build an extraordinary future through sports.

But I also got into fights, spent time in jail, sold marijuana, lived a life that sometimes seemed to revolve around trouble, and eventually got stabbed badly enough to require emergency surgery. I left New York because I felt I had no choice. I started over thousands of miles away in California, where I worked full-time, went to college, and built friendships that have lasted decades.

Now, years later, I coach my two boys in high school lacrosse at Bloomingdale. I get to share with them a sport that changed the direction of my life. Watching them play has given me a perspective I couldn’t have had when I was their age.

Recently, a conversation about CTE—chronic traumatic encephalopathy, a brain disease associated with repeated head impacts—got me thinking about everything that came before. It made me look back at the concussions, the fights, the injuries, and the decisions I made when I was young and thought I was invincible.

And it made me realize something: I have a story to tell.

This isn’t a story about a perfect man who always made the right decisions. It’s about a person who experienced a lot, made mistakes, survived situations he probably shouldn’t have, and kept moving forward.

To understand how I got here, I have to go back to the beginning.

Chapter One: The Bronxville Kid

I was born in Bronxville, New York, in 1977. My mother was born in Ireland, and my father was born in Cuba. My parents raised me, and remarkably, they’re still together more than 55 years later.

That kind of longevity is rare. Whatever else I might say about my upbringing, my parents built a life together that has endured for decades.

My father was an extremely strict man. He wanted me to excel at everything I did, especially sports and school. He wanted me to play baseball and basketball, do well academically, and get things right. When I didn’t perform the way he expected, he would scream at me.

For years, I dealt with it. I was a kid, and he was my father. I knew what he wanted from me, and I tried to meet his expectations. But there comes a point when a kid can only take so much.

For me, that point came when I was 13.

I was playing in a baseball game, and my father was doing what he had done so many times before: screaming at me because I wasn’t doing something right.

Something inside me finally snapped.

I flipped out on him. I cursed him out, walked off, and went home.

And just like that, I was done with baseball.

I never played again.

Looking back, that moment was about more than baseball. It was the first time I remember drawing a line and deciding that I wasn’t going to keep doing something just because somebody else demanded it of me.

I didn’t have the words for it then. I was 13. I was angry, frustrated, and tired of being screamed at. But I had made a decision, and I stuck with it.

What I didn’t know was that another sport was about to become a defining part of my life.

And unlike baseball, lacrosse would be a sport I chose for myself.

Chapter Two: The Sport That Changed Everything

Lacrosse became my passion.

By 1993, I had established myself as one of the top defensive players in New York State. In tenth grade, I made the All-Empire defensive team, an honor that recognized me as one of the top three defensemen in the state.

I was still a teenager, but I was competing at an elite level. The same kid who had walked away from baseball was now excelling in a sport that gave him something he hadn’t always felt growing up: a place where his talent could speak for itself.

In eleventh grade, our team came painfully close to winning a state championship. We made it all the way to the state semifinals before losing, 4–3.

One goal.

That’s how close we came.

Those years were some of the most important of my athletic life. I was good enough to attract serious college interest, and I had the opportunity to turn my ability into something bigger.

But lacrosse wasn’t the only sport I excelled at.

I was also a phenomenal football player.

I could run for touchdowns, throw touchdown passes, and catch touchdown passes. I could do just about everything on the field. Football was another sport where I felt I had a natural gift.

Then, in eighth grade, I suffered two bad concussions.

The effects were terrifying. I lost feeling in half my body, and my vision disappeared. Eventually, my feeling and sight returned, but the experience frightened me so badly that I never played football again.

I was young, and I didn’t know what those injuries might mean for my future. I only knew that what had happened to me was serious, and I didn’t want to experience it again.

I would later suffer another concussion playing lacrosse. There were also street fights in which I took repeated blows to the head.

At the time, I wasn’t thinking about the long-term consequences of any of it. I was a young athlete who wanted to compete, a teenager who sometimes got into trouble, and a kid who thought he could handle whatever came his way.

Today, when I hear people discussing CTE, I think about that younger version of myself. I think about the hits, the fights, the injuries, and everything I didn’t understand back then.

I can’t say what those experiences might mean for my health today. But I can say that they were part of my story, and they’re part of why I’m looking back now.

Chapter Three: The Scholarship I Lost

By the time I was approaching the end of high school, I had a chance to play lacrosse at Syracuse University on a full scholarship.

For a young athlete, that was an enormous opportunity. Syracuse was a chance to continue playing at a high level, get an education, and take the next step toward the future I had imagined.

But I made a mistake on my application.

I had been suspended from school, not expelled. Somehow, I misunderstood the distinction and believed that the two words meant the same thing. When I filled out my application, I indicated that I had been expelled.

I hadn’t been.

It was a mistake, but it was a serious one. I lost the opportunity, and I never went to Syracuse to play lacrosse.

When I look back at that period of my life, I wonder how different things might have been if I had understood that application correctly. Maybe my life would have taken a different direction. Maybe I would have had a completely different college experience.

I’ll never know.

What I do know is that I was talented enough to earn the opportunity, but I didn’t make it through the process. My own mistake cost me something I had worked hard to achieve.

At the time, though, I had a lot more going on than college applications.

I was 18 years old, and my life was already moving in a direction that had very little to do with classrooms or a traditional college experience.

I was dating two girls, selling marijuana, going to nightclubs, and getting into fights on a regular basis. I was living fast, making decisions without thinking much about consequences, and getting deeper into situations that would eventually catch up with me.

I had no idea just how far things would go.

At 18, I traveled to Australia with Team USA for three weeks. It was an incredible experience, one of those opportunities that most young athletes can only dream about.

But alongside the international lacrosse experience, my life in New York was becoming increasingly dangerous.

By the time I was 19, the fighting had escalated to the point where I was stabbed and needed emergency surgery. It happened in circumstances I understood as a kind of turf war.

Whatever the precise reasons behind it, the result was life-changing.

I couldn’t stay in New York anymore.

I had to leave.

And that was how I ended up heading west, first to Tucson, Arizona, and then to San Diego, California.

I was leaving behind the place where I had grown up, the people I knew, and the life I had been living. I was still young, but I had already experienced things that would stay with me for the rest of my life.

My next chapter would begin in California.

I'm going through some midlife Crisis and I feel lost. I have no sense of purpose or meaning. So how do I get out of this state

I have been considering this statement. If you don't leave your past in the past it will destroy your future, live for what today has to offer not what yesterday has taken away. How do you interpret that?

Social media keeps pushing negativity and hate and how everyone’s situations suck, but almost everyone has a sob story. Nobody is coming to save you, and u can either cry, beg and cope, or you can go out trying your hardest to make it.

There will always be people in better positions than you who have an easier time, and there will always be people in worse positions too. But trust, there’s enough money, women, friends and love to go around. U just have to be able to accept the hardship that comes along with going after it.

Yeah, the cost of living is higher. Yeah, people have gone colder. Getting women is harder. But you have two choices: either quit and cope, or keep trying to make it and, if you can’t, do the next best thing.
As more and more men drop out of the game, it truly just means your portion of the pie gets larger. I believe in all you guys. We’re all gonna make it, and if not, we’ll do the next best thing.

​

1.Be there for yourself, no matter how messy things get. Stand by yourself through it all.

2.Keep the promises you make to yourself. Put in the work and follow through, even when you don’t feel like it. That’s how you build trust in yourself.

3.Read as much as you can—articles, fiction, or anything that genuinely interests you. Keep learning, keep questioning, and let yourself see things from different perspectives. The more you know, the more you’ll trust your own thinking and be able to make your own decisions when life gets difficult.

4.Spend time alone—no social media, no music, no distractions. Just you and your thoughts. Learn to be okay with your own company, and find happiness within yourself without constantly seeking validation or reassurance from others.

5.Learn to be okay with people not liking you. You don’t like everyone, and you don’t need to be liked by everyone either. Have the courage to be disliked and still stay true to yourself.

6.Do the things that scare you—go for a walk alone, sit in a café alone, eat alone. Learn to do the things you usually need someone else to do with you. Become comfortable being your own company.

7.Never underestimate yourself, and never tolerate disrespect—not even the smallest insult. Stand up for yourself. The moment you allow people to disrespect you, they learn that they can take you for granted.

8.Speak up for yourself and for those who can’t speak for themselves. Have strong opinions, but never let them make you unkind. Read, listen, and expose yourself to ideas that challenge your perspective—you can be strong in your beliefs while still being open to changing them.

So a little about myself: I’m 21 years old, and I don’t really have parents I can ask for advice or role models to look up to. I basically taught myself how to be a man ever since I was around 14.
Growing up, I was also really lonely. Because of that, I stayed in friendships where people disrespected me, belittled me, and made fun of my body because I was overweight.
Eventually I started changing my life. I lost 100 pounds, and when I was 20 I finally cut those people off. I started going on this growth journey where I wanted to become a better man and have more respect for myself.

I still struggle with certain things though, especially lust. I’ve been a chronic masturbator for years, and I realized it became an addiction because it gave me relief and helped take my mind off how lonely I felt.
Another thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I can be too friendly. I think sometimes people see that and feel like they can take advantage of it or disrespect me.

Recently I started talking to some new people and trying to make friends again, but they eventually started disrespecting me too. This time, though, I actually stood up for myself, which is something I probably wouldn’t have done in the past.
I’m proud that I did it, but at the same time it made me really sad afterward.

It just feels unfair that I have to go to such lengths just to have a mutual friendship where I’m treated like an equal and not like I’m the joke of the group. After that happened, I decided I’m probably going to distance myself from them too.
The problem is that I don’t really know how to become mentally stronger without becoming cold.I’m scared of confrontation, and I genuinely want to change that. At the same time, I don’t want to become someone who assumes everyone is going to disrespect me.

All I really want are friends I can talk to about anime and the things I like. People who actually want to hang out with me too, instead of me always being the one going to great lengths to make plans or chasing people for their attention.
Right now I basically have no friends.
That hurts because I feel like I’ve tried to do everything right. I try to be a good person. I’m loyal, I care deeply about people, and I’m the type of person who will stick with somebody through a lot.
But for some reason, I can’t seem to find people who genuinely care about me or care about my inner world.

The same thing happened romantically.
I was talking to a girl, and for a while I finally felt like I had someone who liked me for who I was. She told me she loved me, but eventually I realized the relationship was much more about the attention I gave her than actually knowing and loving me.

Finding that out hurt because the thing I wanted most was to finally feel genuinely cared about.

I want someone who is curious about me. Someone who knows what I like, cares about my interests, asks me questions, and genuinely wants to understand me instead of just liking what I can provide for them.

I don’t want all of these experiences to turn me into someone who shuts everyone out.
I also don’t want to look back years from now and realize I never experienced genuine friendship because I became too afraid to let people get close to me.

So I guess that’s the path I’m currently on: learning how to respect myself enough to walk away from people who mistreat me while still remaining open to meeting good people.
For anyone who has been through something similar, how did you build that kind of self-respect without becoming bitter, antisocial, or shutting everyone out?

Maybe you’ve been telling yourself:

“I’m not finding a woman.”
“Maybe I’m not good enough.”
“Maybe I’m ugly. Maybe I’m too short.”

Brother, wake the fu*k up.

You’re a man. You already have raw material most people never develop. Strength you can build. A mind you can sharpen. A body you can train. The ability to take risks, handle pressure, build, compete and get back up when life knocks you down.

But potential means nothing if you don’t train it.
Stop sitting on Reddit wondering why women don’t want you while you’re getting weaker, learning nothing, scrolling for hours and waiting for life to change.

Confidence comes from evidence.

Give yourself 6 months. Get fit. Pick a skill. Work your ass off. Build your career. Read. Take risks. Fail. Keep going.

Maybe you’re short. So what?
Maybe you’re not rich. Build it.
Maybe you’re not attractive. Improve what you can.
Stop being the victim. Start chasing your potential.

Come back in 6 months. The world will be the same.

You won’t be.

You’re a man.
You already have the raw material.

Now fu*king GO

To make a long story short, Irving in my head has caused me to live like a man child for the bulk of my adult years. Always letting myself carried away in fantasies of where I could be. I seem to break out of that and got a harsh wake up call. That all the time I could have been disciplined to learn something worth of use (i.e, broaden my employable horizons) was instead placed on hobbies (that to me of the past, would one day get me somewhere) and procrastination day in and day out.

Now, I'm about to turn 36 next year and I know very little of being a functional adult. I did some time working at national parks because the "normal" life was not for me but I would rather not live in a perpetual bubble of safety( which seeing now, was what I have been doing all along.) I'm back home now but instead of happiness I have felt nothing but regret and anger towards myself.

Need a sense of direction because at this rate, I am sinking into a deep depression.

Fuckin hell

I'm curious about the actual experience rather than what people think they're supposed to feel.

Is it

- not knowing what you're feeling?

- not knowing how to put it into words?

- feeling uncomfortable being vulnerable?

- worrying about how people will react?

- or something completely different?

I’m working on improving my performance. Sometimes I forget certain things or need a little more time to fully understand a process. I’m trying to improve by reviewing my mistakes, taking notes, and practicing consistently so I can become more accurate and efficient.

Hello everyone, it has been a minute since I posted on here. I have been busy with life, when I first messaged on here I was just starting my journey of self improvement. Now that progress has increased dramatically in just a month. I started with just an idea now I have a complete novel 93K words 24 chapters out on applications to publishers. A second well one the way in rough drafting and chapter 1 already done. I am at college now and adjusting to it. I am now building a video game whose design doc is the thing I am doing tonight. I am building my company which is wat farther along and I can make great progress on that next week and launch in about 2 weeks. I keep learning and expanding my knowledge with the goal to help people, and better the lives of the men among my generation. I am getting where I may get a job soon, or just pivot to my company fully. But yeah I still feel like I am not doing enough, learning enough, what would y'all recommend I do? Also I want to put this out there about relationships. Do I pursue one? I see a relationship as a threat to my journey, I am happy being alone in building, I like it that way, keeps my mindset of that this is a war I am fighting and I don't need someone to stab me in the back. So what do y'all think?

Hello! First time poster here.
I’m looking for some book or listening suggestions dealing with positive masculinity. I feel like my “masculine” development has been stunted over the years and I would like to expose myself to some good influences to help work on that side of myself.

Quick run down: mid 30s soy boy. Mostly have female friends. Raised by single mum. Dad is in my life but not super close - short absence in teen years.
I am dating someone who I see a future with, and she has more traditional values than previous girlfriends. Starting to notice that I am lacking certain masculine characteristics (assertiveness, independence, discipline, resilience) due to growing up with majority female influence. (I do have a lot of male friendships now and I am working on connecting better with my dad)

Books, podcasts, lectures, other audio content that deals with positive masculinity and self improvement / growth would be great to engage with in my solo time. No manosphere/right wing grifter crap.

I'm having a crisis of confidence.

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a huge diving board, completely frozen. I know I need to jump, and I know it's in me because I've been that person before, outgoing, assertive, quietly confident, bold. There have been times when that version of me has just come out and taken the wheel and its when I feel most myself but I can't seem to access him consistently.

I'm going through a huge transition in my life, healing from the breakup and betrayal of a 12-year relationship and rebuilding my life from the ground up. Despite everything, I'm actually doing really well. I'm proud of how I've handled it.

My goals and vision for my best life are what's getting me through. But I've taken things as far as I can, the next steps require I be assertive, take big leaps, risk rejection and put myself out there in ways that paralyze me at times. I just can't seem to break through that wall. What makes this so frustrating ie I feel so close.

Every now and then, that version of me appears. I can ask for what I want, I can look someone in the eyes and smile, genuinely knowing my worth. I can take a risk without obsessing over the outcome. I can be bold and completely myself, and when it happens, I think, fuck, I wish I could be this guy all the time. But then it disappears again, no middle ground, back to Frozen.

Has anyone experienced this? How did you learn to access that version of yourself more consistently? Any advice would genuinely mean a lot.

Hey guys I’m 23 years old and am having a hard time creating new friends. I’ve been on probation since 21 so I feel it makes it nearly impossible to make friends. I cannot drink or smoke weed. I can’t stay out past 10 or even be in a bar. I’m extremely broke. Can’t even go get a coke if I wanted right now. Which I understand that’s not all life is about. But the only friends I have had are from doing those things.
I’ve changed my life completely to be a better person. I’ve dropped all my druggie friends. The 2 I did have that weren’t have passed away. 3 of my friends are in prison for long sentences.

I’m really just having a hard time with my mental currently because I know what I’m doing is right and that’s being clean, going to work, and being there for my family. But at the end of the day when no one is around. I just wish I had somebody to be my friend. Somebody I can talk to without the judgement of a mother/father/wife. (As I’m typing this I feel I’m just spilling my feelings) but I honestly want someone to understand me and know I want good friendships without drugs/alcohol and money. I honestly just don’t know how to do that. I feel so awkward it feels so uncomfortable. I feel as if I was the kid who sat at lunch all by themselves.

I feel I can say once I get to a point in life I can then go and make friends but I feel like the age Im at this is where you make the best of friends and I’m not.

I just need someone advice or words of encouragement. Things to get involved in. Just help please.

I want to become a man who handles his business, has discipline, able to keep himself clean, wants to be someone who learns and grow smarter everyday.

What do you consider is the best way to become a better person? Is it improving yourself physically, becoming a better morally, or becoming better as a person?

From a psychological perspective, trying to satisfy society is an endless cycle of emotional depletion. Our minds project our own insecurities onto the people around us, creating a false belief that everyone is constantly judging our choices.

This hyper-focus on external validation triggers chronic anxiety and takes you away from your true self.

True inner freedom begins when you realize that life is far too brief to spend it living out someone else's script. Healing means learning to quiet the noise of social expectations, anchor your awareness in the present moment, and align your daily activities with what genuinely nourishes your soul.

What is one small choice you can make today solely to bring peace to your own soul? Let the world's noise drift away. 🍃

Most people waste their best years chasing cheap dopamine, staying

in bad routines, or surrounding themselves with the wrong people...

The truth is, your habits and your circle decide where you'll end up,

and the people you learn from matter more than anything.

That's why I've listed people in the caption who share lessons that

build discipline, health, and success.

I highly recommend you follow these accounts now and make your

feed work for you:

I’m a new father my daughter has just turned 1, since my daughter was born I needed more money so I’ve had to go away to work. I spend all week away and I work 60 hour weeks, when I come home I see my daughter and my life feels good again when It comes to Sunday I feel like I could cry with the thought of not seeing her all week and on top of this my partners mother thinks I’m a waste of space and my partner doesn’t really care about how she treats me. My mental health has been crashing lately and I feel like just a failure to my daughter I don’t know what to do at the minute and just need some advice from people who have had similar experiences.

Thanks