Sooo, in two days, I’ll (27M) officially be one year sober and clean. I’m honestly so hyped and genuinely proud of myself.
But today is also the birthday of a very dear friend of mine. He’s turning 30 and throwing a party and I’ve decided not to go because I know there’ll be a lot of alcohol and drugs around.
I feel sad about it, to be honest. I know I’m making the right decision for myself and my sobriety but it still sucks to miss out on celebrating someone I care about. Normally, I’d go to the gym to clear my head and deal with my emotions but because of a fracture that’s not an option right now either.
So now I’m feeling a bit lost and don’t really know how to cope with these feelings.

FIRST OF ALL, FORGIVE ME BECAUSE I’M GOING TO SUMMARIZE TWO YEARS IN ONE TEXT AND I’VE ENDED UP RAMBLING A LOT.

Hi everyone, sorry, but I’m going to write in Spanish so I can explain myself better, and the translator might not get everything across properly.

Well, I’ve been using mephedrone since late May. From May to June, it was occasional, once every two weeks. In July, I started doing it more frequently. August was the peak, and I was using it every three days, sometimes even more often. In September, I started getting a little better, and it went down to once a week. And in October, it’s been every few days or almost a week between uses.

Honestly, I have to say that I’m aware of the problem, and that (I think) puts me on a fine line between an addiction with no way out and being able to get out of this.

Maybe I need to get some things off my chest, but let me give you a bit of context.

Two years ago, I was fired from a job that provided me with financial stability, but the whole experience also left me depressed and with no motivation to do anything. During those two years, I decided to study so I could find something better, and my ex supported me in that decision. Being unemployed and having no routine led me into a mild depression, and I found it difficult to feel happiness or any motivation for life. So I signed up for language classes to force myself to leave the house at least twice a week and socialize (all of this will make sense, trust me).

When I arrived at that school, I discovered through conversations with classmates that you could go and study the language in that country, and it had always been my dream to go there. Eventually, I took the plunge and told my ex about it. He supported me, and I decided to go abroad to study for a few months, at least to regain my sense of happiness and motivation.

I arrived, and it was difficult at first being so far away from everyone, but I made loads of friends, and it changed my perspective on things. I was so happy that I even started reconsidering whether I wanted to stay there. (This whole trip started in January this year, since preparing for it took about a year and all that, just to give you some context.)

But in the end, I always thought that I didn’t want to stay because I wanted to build a life with my boyfriend. A few months later, he came to visit me so he could see the country, see me, and go on a trip together. Suddenly, I noticed that he was acting strangely and seemed distant. Eventually, I asked him about it, and he told me he didn’t know how he felt. He said he loved me, but he thought he was missing out on new experiences because I was his first boyfriend, and he was finding himself increasingly attracted to other people. In the end, I told him that if he wanted to be with me, he could be, but I wasn’t going to initiate another relationship crisis (again) because I deserved someone who loved me and wouldn’t make me suffer every day wondering whether he was going to leave me.

In the end, we decided to leave things as friends. And, well, it was weird because I had to live with him for the week he was staying with me (obviously, I wasn’t going to kick him out of my place). But since we weren’t breaking up because of anything bad that had happened between us, we had time to talk and reminisce about our relationship.

Anyway, getting back to the point, after the most painful breakup I’ve ever experienced, because in the end, I’m going to love him for the rest of my life, and he will love me too, but we just don’t work together, I had to say goodbye when all I wanted to say was “stay.” And then the time came for him to leave.

I kept living in that country, but I couldn’t stop crying and suffering every single day. Eventually, I decided to cancel my studies and return to my country earlier than planned. My friends surprised me by picking me up at the airport, and honestly, I felt so loved and supported that I was glad to be back.

I came back in April. From that moment on, all my energy went into getting over the relationship. Into confronting my own demons and his, and finding a way to forgive him for falling out of love with me after I’d spent two years going through one depressive episode after another, and for not knowing how to deal with the way he admired me. I signed up for music lessons, went back to the gym, changed my look, went out with friends a lot, and everything seemed to be going perfectly.

Until one day, I opened Grindr (I don’t even know why, because I don’t feel like sleeping with anyone, especially not through those apps, but there I was). A guy messaged me saying he had mephedrone (MKAT), and I was coming home drunk, so I decided to meet up with him and try it (I was constantly open to new experiences). I met up with him, but I couldn’t bring myself to take it because I was scared of snorting it. So I went home, but the urge was still there. I messaged him and asked if he could give me a little bit, and I’d pay him for it, so I could try it alone at home (after all, I didn’t feel comfortable getting high with a stranger from Grindr). I went home and tried it (remember, this was late May), and it was fucking amazing. My life went from happy to ULTRA happy, and masturbating on it felt like pure gold.

This is where the addiction started. I already had a problem with abusing poppers when I masturbated because, when I was depressed, they gave me some happiness. But then I added mephedrone to the mix, and I kept telling myself I was in control, but I wasn’t.

I thought I was getting over the breakup, that I was managing to stabilize my working life, that I was starting to feel good. But everything went to shit because of the drugs. I started feeling exhausted, I wasn’t happy anymore, the drugs were having less and less of an effect on me, I’m spending money I don’t have, and I’m living on the edge financially.

In August, I decided to tell my closest friends, who have always looked out for me and never made me feel guilty about it. In fact, one of them just messaged me asking whether I’d used recently, and I genuinely appreciate it because it makes me feel loved. I talked about it with my psychologist, and we put some guidelines and support measures in place. We understand that relapses are normal. But even so, I still can’t seem to get out of this.

I had to stop taking music lessons because, with the addiction, I either can’t afford them or don’t have the energy. My new job is incredibly unstable, both in terms of hours and pay. Now, every time I see my ex, I feel like dying all over again, as if I’ve gone right back to square one. I feel lost, I can’t find my direction, I want to get out of this, but I just can’t.

It’s true that I’ve started reconnecting with my creativity, both musically and through writing poems, and I have quite a lot of emotional intelligence because I’ve been in therapy voluntarily for years. I have so many amazing friends that my heart could burst. But nothing manages to fill the void. I feel so empty. I’m unable to exercise because I get exhausted, and I have a terrible relationship with it. I feel like I’m stuck in a pit that I can’t climb out of. I hide my relapses from my friends. And my psychologist and I have already talked about how that distress is going to be there and that drugs will only make it worse, but I just can’t seem to stop.

Honestly, what is really making it impossible for me to get out of this is the thought that the person I’ve loved the most in my life, and who has loved me the most, has stopped loving me from one day to the next. Even though we talk and we’re friends, he’s no longer here. When I was little, I already had to deal with my mother leaving to put herself first and my father only loving himself. And the one time I open up to someone and decide to be with them, they abandon me again.

I feel like I’m going to spend my entire life condemned to watching the people I love leave me. In fact, I’m afraid my friends will do the same. I try to put out this fire with drugs, but they only make it worse, and yet I just can’t seem to stop.

It hurts so much. It’s as if my safe space, the place where the abandonment wound was finally starting to heal, has disappeared. A wound I’ve spent years healing in therapy has been reopened. (I already had problems with alcohol as a teenager and compulsive sexual behavior, which, thank God, I haven’t relapsed into.)

And I just can’t do it. I can’t. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love again or that I’m worthy of being loved. And the drugs only cloud my mind and leave me feeling exhausted and sick. They make me more anxious, but at the same time, using them calms me down.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just writing this to get it off my chest or to have someone to talk to about all of this outside my own circle.

Thank you so much for reading this, if you’ve made it to the end. Anyway, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

....., while fully aware that I’m destroying my own life? My health is still okay, but financially, I’ve sucked up money like a vacuum cleaner—and I keep going, even though it’s causing repercussions with my family. Honestly, I don’t really want to live—or rather, I just don’t want to exist—but I won’t actually do anything to end it; besides, dying is practically impossible, at least for me. I don’t want to go to rehab for a third time, because last time it felt like undergoing chemotherapy to recover from cancer (two of my sisters died of cancer, so I know how stupid that sounds). In short, am I a piece-of-shit human being?

(Weird post, but been thinking for years about it)
In may 2024, I connected with a girl from here and we had some nice talks. Still thinking about her and how she is doing.
She deleted her reddit account.
But maybe has another.

If you are still here, please reach out to me, A!

(She shared these with me, photos in comments)

Mods, if not allowed, I am sorry!

⚠️‼️⚠️MAJOR update guys apparently it’s a THC pill. LMAO bruh who designed this. Thank you for the help though!

My therapist asked me to stop doing all drugs (weed, Adderall, Xanax, cocaine, & ketamine) for one week. I’m having a hard time with it, especially the not smoking weed. I feel like I need to be high just to watch a movie or go to the store, otherwise I’m bored out of my mind and irritable. How do you guys keep your minds stimulated while sober?

I take 8 packed teaspoons a day. She says I need to quit in order to give the meds a chance to work but I cant quit cuz I am suffering and it gives me relief. Every task is so hard and I feel so heavy. I cant shower without it. My brain hurts so bad when im not on anything. Has anyone had success on antidepressants while addicted to kratom or something else? What's everyone's experience with antidepressants? I feel trapped

Addiction came real when I started using every day. Miraculous still function normal but have seen some dark shit last days with 2 - 3 hours sleep a night. Today is 1st sober. And i got this. Much support for others battling addiction.

The test on the left was taken Oct 14, the one on the left is Oct 16, taken today. I know the line is to faint to be considered negative, but does a slight line appearing mean I am getting closer to testing negative?

I 19f have posted in here before about my adderall addiction (i dont have adhd) and I'm 25 or sum days clean. Whenever i get close to my menstrual cycle my cravings get worse and my mental health declines. Im craving so hard right now i was even considering trying coke

Hola necesito ayuda con esta pregunta, quiero que me comenten sus experiencias

Okay so for the last 3 weeks I’ve fallen into a hole and have withdrawn lots of money from my account, I’ve loaned money of family and then withdrawn it straight away

It’s stupid it’s just I’d say everytime I did it that I stop and I just found myself getting more

Anywho look my bank looks sus with how I’m withdrawing money and like if I get investigated I need reason or like wtf do I do

Like I was thinking of making excuses like I’m saving money and gambling money, buying groceries in cash too etc. like agh

Seems kind of niche or maybe not niche just very specific but my favorite books to read are substance abuse memoirs. Idk if it’s how raw and moving they are or what. My therapist says it “tickles my trauma” lol maybe it’s the morbid curiosity.

Need advice guys.

Hey everyone. Using a throwaway because I’m in a really overwhelming spot and just need some grounded perspective from people who understand real life.
I’m a bit over a year sober from alcohol (which came with severe consequences), but I still use daily THC, daily kratom, and occasionally source Adderall when my ADHD symptoms get unmanageable. I recently started Strattera (40mg), and I just had my first psych follow-up. I was honest about the kratom and THC, and mentioned Adderall worked for me in the past, that I wasn’t using it legally and that I was scared about disclosing substance use and never be considered for an adderall prescription bc it does help, but also that I have taken it not prescribed and that it’s been part of my substance use disorder. but the psych didn't give me much guidance and set my next appointment three months out.

I do not know how to exist in the world without using substances. I know how to try to use less. But I don’t know what to do and feel undersupported. I don't want to spend money on unprescribed Adderall or risk safety, and I only use it when I am really struggling to keep up with things, but it can lead to shame and increased use and a cycle I don’t like I guess. I want to work on harm reduction—using less, spending less, and finding stability—rather than an all-or-nothing approach that my brain isn't ready for.

I’m in a long-term relationship (situationship)? with a partner (32M, I’m 27F) who has been sober for 10 years, who is deeply frustrated by my substance use. While I wasn't fully open about every single substance, I was open about my alcoholism and legal history, on the night we met actually. I know I should have been more open. But as things progressed and he also didn’t ask, why didn’t he ask? Things played out in a way that felt like him keeping access to me and using my struggles as a way to minimize any reality or hurt or feelings I had, while intimacy continued to build in a way that has just been so destabilizing. I know that continuing to be in touch with him is keeping me as regulated and keeping me in a place where I want to use substances more but I also want to be honest with him because I love him and I don’t know how much my substance use is clouding my judgment around this relationship. But because of my relationship with complex trauma and shame, I also don’t want to disregard how I’ve been treated in this relationship either. Idk what to do there.
I guess I'm just looking for advice from anyone who has navigated ADHD management alongside a history of substance use, without relying on an all-or-nothing approach. Also, how do you even begin to evaluate whether a relationship is worth being "honest" in when you suspect the other person is a primary source of your emotional distress?
Please be gentle. I'm really trying my best.

i don't expect this to be readable or for anybody to follow along and give me the kind of attention i want, but this post is going to be written.

as a kid, i was obsessed with love. i hugged my pillow like it was my wife and cried most nights. my first "serious" relationship (2 years, had my first time, talked on the phone all night every night) ended just about when i turned 15. immediately, i started using something every day. i fell in love with opi's. i got caught every year by my parents, and always laid low for a bit, staying mostly sober for a few months and focusing on music (booking little shows and playing in shitty little hc bands). i finished 9th grade taking hydro 5's, and finished 12th grade breaking into my friends' houses to steal their mom's opanas and 30's.

the day after graduation, i went to my first rehab and got kicked out of sober living for dating a sober living girl. i came home and went to jail for a couple months. i got out, started shooting 30's until i couldn't anymore. then, i danced this dance with my parents: involuntary vivitrol shots and drug tests, doing what i could get away with.

the summer of 2013 was the best and craziest of my life, and when it crashed and burned and my friends all distanced themselves, i met a girl and we did the kurt and courtney/jesse and jane etc J couple thing. we got on H and planned to expire together. instead, our nihilistic plan fell apart. i broke out of the negative feedback loop of her borderline outbursts and my responses by making an attempt. instead, i got shipped down to a halfway house where i got sober the old school AA way, living with 30 dudes for 18 months. it was synanon-like: accelerated recovery for lost causes, enforced by group humiliation for anybody that showed any traces of 'self-will'.

6 months after moving out of the halfway house, working+studying full-time down south, with 2 yrs and 2 months sober, i found some dope and pills and relapsed for a month. after that, with 2 months sober again, i found kratom shots and met my ex fiance. she found out about the kratom 9 months later when i crashed out, got dope, and nodded out in her bathroom. she put the fear of god in me with her tough love.

i stayed sober for 2 years after that, while we moved to the city together and i finished college and got a master's. i'd relapse on kratom here and there, and she'd find out and give me another chance. i had my AA friends but my social life was really my girl and our cats and our home.

when i got into a phd program and we moved to another city together, i stopped going to meetings or doing anything but trying to study. i couldn't keep up with the pace of the phd life, though, and the addy prescription that i used mostly responsibly since covid turned into a full blown addiction. the workload was an excuse to stay up for days, and she got used to sleeping alone while i tweaked out in my office room. since my prescription only lasted me 5 days now, i learned how to get the pressed ones ("oh that package is a computer part, just leave it there"). my psychiatrist never responded to my comments about trying a benzo for public speaking, so i added fprams to my orders and took 1/4 of one every day. then, i added ket. i slept 8 hours a week and became useless.

i couldn't hide k from her, and i couldn't make it out of academic probation. when i dropped out, the day they were going to kick me out, i promised i'd get a job. but all i ever did in the subsequent 3 months was tweak on home projects and goodwill runs to buy random shit i thought i needed for some project. after she found me doing k two more times, it took a month for her to decide to leave.

when she broke it to me, we cried, and then i went to the smoke shop to get an OPMS shot. it took a month or so of planning while taking kratom, add presses, k, and farmaprams, and i moved back to the city i came from, into my own apartment.

that was 10 months ago. during the moving process, i decided to get on 7, knowing how bad of an idea it was. i could have grinded on the job hunt, but all i managed to do was get fired from a coffee shop. thanks to one brand of 7 tabs, i added mgm to my list. all year, i've been hiding this 7oh, mgm, stim, benzo, weed, and ketamine habit. living alone. in total isolation. i've become closer than ever to my parents, who know something is up, but not what. i spend a lot of weekends at their house. it fixes my sleep schedule, and i go back to my place and fuck it all up again.

i tell my AA friends i'll be back soon. i tried IOP but quit. i've tapered from 120mg mgm/day to 30 over the last few weeks, and i'll take my last 6.25mg tomorrow. once i'm only dependent on 7, i'll probably get on the sublocade shot. once i'm only taking what i'm prescribed (which now includes klonopin) and not abusing anything off the record, i'll start counting days and going back to meetings.

even though i haven't been sober, over the last 4 months my attitude has shifted. i want to be a part of the world again. i don't want to hate myself and everybody else. i want to start a new life at 32. my brother knows what's up with me, he crashed out drinking and got sober a couple months ago. we said we'd get sober together, but it's taking me a little bit more time. i've always been my biggest critic and beat myself up as hard as possible, but now i'm trusting myself, as stupid as my plans seem.

the career path i was pursuing, the marriage and kids with a woman i knew deep down i wasn't in love with, that was my reason for living, and it fell apart. now, i'm 32, i'm lost, i'm stuck, and i'm crawling back to reality slowly.

i talk to chatgpt and record video journals for hours every day so that when i'm sober again i'll never again have to wonder what the fuck i was thinking. i wake up at 4pm and never really go to sleep, l just pass out.

i used to post on social media, used to have an identity, used to care who liked my posts and used to maint'ain some image. now i feel like the homeless guy talking to himself wandering around.i have decided to get on tinder with no expectation of anybody swiping, because in my bio i'm not going to lie about what i have to offer: a weekend of familiarity to a lonely woman who ends up with guys like me. a quick gasp for air. a bad idea. a funny loser. sadly, i say i have no expectations because i shouldn't, but deep down i probably do. i just don't want to be alone.

i hate the way my writing sounds, and it's too verbose to expect anyone to give it a proper read. maybe i'll delete it. maybe i'll get some tough love or harsh advice, and if so i hope its helpful to them because a reddit comment probably won't change my life. i have too much experience with this and too much leftover from my failed attempt at a neuroscience career - and i'm doing everything that i used to mock with my friends at AA meetings, deliberately, with my chest out, trusting my own plan.

Not the plan, the real stuff.

We as a family struggling because my son is addicted for the past 10 years. Wrong friends, wrong choice took him to wrong path, yes he chose it, not blaming anyone else. He is a well educated guy but at the same time got addicted, lost his job twice and left the house. He had big chunk of money, stayed in hotel and lost all of his money on drugs and alcohol. Long story short he has no place to live now because he can't live with us because of some family issues he caused. He self admitted into ER and currently in Psych facility. He has addiction and mental health issues. Due to lot of these facilities don't take medicaid, is it good idea that I can get a private insurance for him but then his private insurance will be a primary and medicaid will be secondary.

His medicaid is thru kaiser and I was thinking getting him kaiser private insurance so that he can get into inpatient rehab facility which can be a combination of dual diagnosis for mental health as well. Is it a good idea to get private insurance because lot of these facilities don't take medicaid? Or should I get him Atena, blue shield or Sutter health instead of Kaiser? He prefers to go to rehab facility than psych.

How to pick a better facility where there is no drugs or gang members are involved? Do we have any in Roseville or Auburn area? Thanks for the feedback.

Hi, everyone. I’m a diagnosed alcoholic. I have a question-I went through a brief period of time where I abused my vyvanse and Ritalin and would snort the Ritalin and then take an excess of vyvanse. It lasted a few months and then I stopped on my own basically and was able to. Does that count me as someone addicted to substances, too?

Are there other people like me?

I've quit drugs(for 3 years/meth,weed), psych meds(for 6 years), cigarettes(for 8 years), and coffee(for 11years), but the way I quit them was a little different from how most people seem to.

Whenever I decided that it was time to stop, I could quit completely starting the very next day. It didn't feel like I was forcing myself to resist the temptation. The moment I made up my mind, those things simply stopped crossing my mind altogether. It felt as if they had been completely removed from the list of options in my life.

I had been taking medication for six years, and I stopped abruptly overnight without my doctor's guidance. I experienced physical withdrawal symptoms for about a month.

I had also smoked a pack of cigarettes every day for eight years, and I had been drinking coffee every morning for eleven years. I used to feel like I couldn't even start my day without it.

But once I genuinely decided that I was done, I was able to give all of them up without any significant mental resistance.

I didn't feel like I was constantly fighting an urge or struggling to hold myself back. It was more like I had simply made a decision, and that was the end of it.

Are there other people who experience quitting this way?