Help with Gender.
So Iāve been on a gender exploration for a while and I need help with sorting all the stuff in my brain. Iāve questioned my gender as early as being a teenager over 10 years ago. Whenever I started understanding what gender and transgender or nonbinary were.
Now here I am at 25 and still confused. I have mainly presented as feminine and I am afab. But Iāve never felt super connected to it. Itās just the default so itās what I went with and if I started having thoughts I might look into it a bit but then get scared and decide not to try it.
Over the past year and a half though Iāve become more interested in exploring my gender. About a year ago I bought some menās clothes and sometimes go out in those. Iāve bought chest binders and packers, but I never wore those outside of my room because I was scared to be judged. In the last few months Iāve started using menās shampoo and conditioner, menās body wash, menās cologne, and menās deodorant. I have a more gender neutral wolfcut hair cut.
Today I wore my binder out of the house for the first time and I liked it. I was a little worried people would notice and ask questions, but no one did and I found it freeing a little bit. I like looking down and not seeing any breasts. I like that the seat belt moves across my chest and not between my breasts. I like that I donāt have to squish down my breasts to see below them. And I like that I donāt need to rest my phone on them when Iām scrolling.
Having said all of that I also do like to do feminine things sometimes. I do feel that I look best that way by societyās standards so I dress up feminine for special events and go to work in nice feminine office clothes. All of that feels like Iām performing gender though. Like I can put on the make up and do my hair and wear a dress and heels but none of itās really me.
If I do those same things in the way a feminine man would thoughā¦.then I like it. I like the idea of being perceived as a man in a dress whoās playing with make up and nail polish. To play dress up as a feminine ftm.
But then I also sometimes like to feel like a mix of everything. Like I am a girlboy nonbinary enigma. I want to have a penis and a vagina. I want to have breasts that come on and off as desired. Like breasts and a penis or no breasts and a vagina. Mix and match however I decide in the moment.
I sometimes like an androgynous vibe that leans masc, but as a nonbinary or slightly feminine person.
Iāve always wanted a penis but I donāt want to get rid of or mess up what I have. I worry about being uglier or not passing. About being judged. I have a career that I love and am scared I will be judged or disliked for it.
My sexuality is queer. This is partly because I feel like no matter what gender or sexuality the person Iām with is, itās still in some way queer to me. Even though Iām afab if I was with a cis man I would want that man to feel the relationship is queer and see me as a nonbinary or queer man. If Iām with a cis woman I want them to see me as a queer nonbinary masc person.
I also think about how I donāt always feel gender dysphoria. I definitely sometimes do, but itās more gender euphoria when something is right. I think maybe though thatās just because I havenāt realized itās dysphoria yet I just know what I really like.
I daydream when having partnered sex or by myself that I have a penis. I pretend itās getting sucked. I use a strap on that doesnāt have a holder and goes inside you. It vibrates to give pleasure, but I stroke the dildo side and pretend itās mine. I also pretend itās mine if Iām using it on someone else. Donāt get me wrong I love being penetrated and find myself to be more the ābottomā or more the receiver, but I also am exploring anal because I find that gives me similar gender euphoria as it does pretending the strap is my actual penis.
I find myself trying to think back to when I was younger and find the signs or dysphoria that a lot of people describe. Iāve come up with a few that I would like to see if could be interpreted as something gender related. I will list those in the comments though cause this is getting long.
I do think Iāll want to change my name and pronouns or how people address and compliment me, but I donāt know what to go for. Or what to suggest my partner try out with me.
I think maybe Iām some sort of transmasc genderfluid or maybe Trigender transmasc or maybe just Trigender. But it also could be so many other things. Anyone have any similar experiences they can share and what they now identify as?