Why do people self harm?

How the fuck do you stop relapsing? I haven’t been able to stop ever since I started.
The urge to cut never disappears, I was only able to become 2 days clean once.

I have 681 days clean! I never expected to make it this far.

FML.

I self harmed for like 2 years idk and I've never been able to accurately state why I used to do it. but part of the reason is bc I felt like it was a lame reason or something or that the reason I did it wasn't the same as others'. but I do know why I used to do it but never told anyone cus of that reason

the first time I did it was because I was angry and sad and wanted to lash out but whenever I try to my words don't come out properly plus there would be consequences if I did. so I turned that anger inwards and cut myself. that way I felt like i had an outlet plus it gave me a cathartic feeling when imagining the people I was angry at seeing that this is what they "led" me to do (it wasn't their fault and I'd never tell them about my sh, although one of them found out and didn't express concern but instead anger, that person is my fuck ass mother) in my head

My entire upper arm is full of scars and I deliberately made it that way, even at times I didn't feel emotional turmoil. The true reason why I have most of my scars is because I've felt so shitty and unheard when I suffered and it felt like I had nothing to show for it, like all my sorrow and pain didn't exist if there wasn't proof. so I cut myself so it showed "I suffered". I cut myself so that in a hypothetical scenario someone that cared abt me would see my scars and comfort me and like empathise or whatnot. I'm not even joking like I was just out here casually trying to reach every inch of my arm even when I was in a perfectly fine mood so there'd be evidence I went through something and so that "in the future" my "future husband" would see it and feel bad for me. This was at a time when I was obsessed with the idea of having a partner bc I was lonely as fuck, but rn I'm even lonelier (lost all friends cus of my own actions) and I don't even want a husband or even boyfriend anymore

so what was all that even for LMAOO

bc of this Ive always felt like my reason was too small or too stupid to tell anyone and I still feel that way sometimes but that had to have meant something right I wasn't just a weird ass 12 yr old with nothing better to do right (I'm 16 now)(I stopped around 13-14 years old)

As the title states, I've been clean for about 9 months after about a year or two of cutting (not because I wanted to quit, but because my parents found out and it scared me so much I stopped feeling any pleasure from it for some reason).

And even though it happens quite rarely, I sometimes think back of when I used to self-harm, and I'd day-dream about my scars and cutting again, and idk, it's such a strange, pleasurable and almost a sexual, ecstatic feeling that takes hold of me whenever I think about my old scars.

And I recently got into some complicated identity issues, and I feel like I want to start getting worse again for some reason, which isn't a feeling I've felt ever since I overcame my depression a few years ago, when there was a period of time in which I felt very uncomfortable being happy and normal afterwards.

And I don't think I'll do it again; after all, I still live with my parents and don't want to ruin 9 months of progress, but I haven't found any alternatives that help that well.

Okay, so long story short, I've been clear for almost 4 years now I think?? But sometimes I still get that urge, it almost feels like a physical ache or itching in my arms, like it's not just a mental urge but I can actually feel it in my arms. Does anyone else get this or know why it happens? It's been literal years and it's never gone away. I'm not sure if it's entirely relevant, but I assume I get the "itch" in my wrists because that was the main spot I used to harm. But I really don't know? Really I'm just curious because I know I can't be alone in this but I haven't found any studies or any other posts talking about it.

I feel so stuck in this overwhelming and negative headspace. I was passed out on the couch last night and my partner woke me up to go to bed. Instead, I waited until he fell asleep and proceeded to cut myself. Taking advantage of the opportunity i guess. It almost felt involuntary. I knew what i wanted and didnt hesitate, even though i was so exhausted already. Didn't really even struggle worrying about a reasonable place to be able to excuse. I just did it. And now its the next day and I really want to do it again. He's sitting in the other room and I just want to cut more into my skin. I want to do it bigger. Im really struggling with these urges. But I think im just going to leave the bathroom and wait until later tonight when its safer. I'll just do one then. I feel so guilty. But the dopamine is so good too.

I cant stop thinking about it. what did I do? was he truly just tired and unwilling to socialise with me? was it just me? why even be with me when I always bring others moods down? why even deal with my stupid and annoying emotions? wouldn't it be better if he had a girlfriend who actually loved herself fully? I thought im heading towards the right track, I don't find myself disgusting to look at as much as before, I listen to less sad music these days, I have it going quite well in uni. we had a good time yesterday and bonded over curry. so why? why am I such an inconvenience to everyone? I am such an indecisive and difficult bitch, I shouldn't be like this. why are my parents so tolerant of my bullshit? why did I even get a new, high performance pc? I don't deserve it. why? just get me another 8 gb ram stick. why am I even here? im not even amazing, im not special, all I am is just another child to their parents, another person of a family. why does my boyfriend deal with someone as complicated and rude as me? why am I like this? why am I a defective object? why have I spent my childhood avoiding others? what the hell happened to me as a child for me to become such a disgusting introvert? can I even consider myself human? taking my own advice is hard, knowing myself; I have feelings, I have emotions and thoughts, as well as cognitive processes to that of a human being. so why do I feel subhuman? why do I feel like everything I do just ruins it all? I should've just said "no". why did I inconvenience such a good family? why am I even going to the community church if I keep putting on a facade? I tried to believe, to genuinely and actually believe that there is a loving God. but it just still seems impossible. these people actually believe in a god and miracles, they raise their hand up, they sing with ambition, they speak out of their own hearts, they probably know the bible like the back of their hand. but im just there. I don't believe in any of this, except for the good teachings such as having empathy and respecting parents and all of that. it gets so exhausting, most days I come home feeling mentally exhausted and drained; I just want to avoid everyone else and talk to my boyfriend. so today just threw me off and it made me hit myself. its a shame I didn't give myself a bruise; I thought I was hitting myself hard enough since I winced and felt my muscle getting a bit sore. I wonder if I need to cut myself again. I tell myself that im going on a clean streak, that I haven't done it since like February or march or whatever. so then why do I still want to? I know i'll feel guilty because they'll be visible and they'll go away slowly. but I also want him to see it. I want him to notice them and give me attention. why did I even kiss his cheek? why did I have to look at him scrolling when he barely looked at me? what did I do wrong? I feel so guilty, I overheard my dad calling my mom saying that I thought of myself like royalty, making people drive me home at their own inconvenience. I felt that pain gnawing at me, and it made me want to just take the knife and go at it. but of course my mom was home. I could've done it since I was home alone for 10 minutes, but I was too slow. why cant I just be normal? why am I so jealous of his female friends? I know he doesn't like them and they don't like him that way, but why are they genuinely so beautiful? they have clear skin, they look good, they dress well, they do their makeup well, I feel disgust even comparing myself to them, because I know I'll never be like them. who gave me the confidence to be this comfortable around my boyfriend when im still not enough for him? clearly if I were enough, I wouldn't feel like he was being distant. what the hell is wrong with me? why cant I just see things differently instead of overthinking and hitting myself as punishment? how does me being unintentionally clumsy result in bruises, but when I try to do it myself doesn't? I hate how empty my skin looks, I don't deserve to leave this situation unscathed. I genuinely need to learn my lesson. this isn't the first time I tell myself this; I need to know my place, I need to be normal, all of that. but when will I ever learn? when will I stop writing this bullshit and actually do something about it? I thought I was on the right track, but of course its a cycle. I relapse. or am I PMSing? well, I guess I hate being a female "human" then. I hate it. sure, I look sexy when I feel like it, but am I really worth loving romantically? he'll eventually see that my weird episodes like these will gnaw at his patience, and he'll just leave. I wouldn't blame him, but I would also blame him at the same time, since he did say he wouldn't leave me and he'd cry if he did, or if I died, then he wouldn't be able to live with himself. whatever. if I dropped dead, he'd still move on. even if I can be a good friend sometimes, im still not that special. I never was. im just a nuisance.

my mom just touched the sh scars in my thigh and asked "are you still making those little cuts?" yep little cuts 🥹

Links to days 1 and 2: 1. https://www.reddit.com/r/selfharm/s/IzzRBQspiF 2. https://www.reddit.com/r/selfharm/s/TIhuH02vkX

Sorry for not posting like I promised! This one's gonna be really short! Had some stuff going on, but genuinely no urges, so nothing really to report! I had something huge with mental health happen, and that's a massive factor why, but for now I'm thinking I'm gonna keep that private.

I’m a college student. I’ve struggled with self harm since I was about ten or eleven. My freshman year of college was one of the lowest parts of my life, and one night I cut my thighs really badly after a particularly bad day. It was the deepest I’d gone before and the only time I left a scar. The whole experience was so traumatizing for me, I vowed to never do it again.

Here I am in my junior year of college. Sometime in November would have marked two years of being clean from self harm.
I’m so burned out by my coursework and exams. I don’t have a good support system outside of my family and boyfriend, whom I didn’t want to worry. I kept finding little excuses to not relapse like “I’m seeing my boyfriend next week and I don’t want him to see me like this” or “I have a nice pair of shorts on the way that I want to be able to wear” that had worked for a while.

But it got so bad a few nights ago that I relapsed. Not nearly as bad as the last time I did it, granted, but it affected me all the same. I cleaned up, called my university’s hotline to talk, and then went to sleep.

I told my boyfriend what I did the next day and promised it wouldn’t happen again. I went in for a therapy session with my uni’s mental health center yesterday. It was productive, I felt better, and things were looking good. But last night I just couldn’t stop myself from doing it again. This morning, the same thing happened. I don’t even know what triggered it.

I just feel really defeated and disappointed in myself. I already told my boyfriend I wouldn’t do it again, so I can’t bring myself to tell him I already broke my promise. I know recovery isn’t linear and I should be more gentle with myself, but it just feels pathetic to have ruined nearly two years of progress over what I feel like is such a nothingburger. I survived so much worse, so why is simple burnout doing this to me? I sometimes wish I could pop open my head like the hood of a car and examine my brain and see where the problem is.

I'm trying to stray away from cutting. Does anyone have any alternative methods that work other then that? I know I shouldn't be doing it period but I just need something anything but adding more marks to my legs.

Ps: posted to a few subreddits I just really want someone to see this and know someone knows

I F18 feel like not being diagnosed and not being in therapy and just not knowing what’s going on in my head will be the death of me.

Since I was young, I’ve had such an unhealthy attitude towards sex/ relationships. Since my pre teens and probably before even though I don’t remember much from when I was younger I basically purposely put myself in situations where I knew id be groomed. Like downloading kick at 14 and using up until I was probably 16 knowing exactly what kind of app it is. Going on Omegle religiously every day from the ages of 12 to 13, posting things on Reddit about my life wanting help and support but at the same time knowing that it would attract the wrong kind of attention. And so much more.

I think I’ve cheated on almost every boyfriend I’ve had online, and physically with the boyfriend I’m with now (we’ve been together 2 years).

I got caught cheating when I was 15 by my last boyfriend. He found out I had been messaging older men on an app and told everyone in detail about it lol including my friends but that didn’t affect my life too much.

My boyfriend now who I loved at one point so so much, I cheated on him with a boy my own age irl and it has destroyed me (he doesn’t know). That was a year ago and I vowed never to again.

Until recently where I’ve hit such a low. I’ve been self harming again which I haven’t done really the last 2 years and a few weeks ago I found some 40 year old to flirt with online and it just seemed to numb everything.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. Im not a good person. I can’t even use the ‘ I was molested so I’m hypersexual’ excuse to make myself feel better because I don’t think I ever was. I think there’s just something wrong with me.

I genuinely think I use talking to older people as some kind of disgusting coping mechanism. I don’t know I feel so empty. Nothing my boyfriend does is ever enough for me emotionally and it’s making me resent him even though he is a great person and fantastic boyfriend. We’ve never had an argument in the entire 2 years of being together.

At the same time, I rarely cry, or feel much at all. When I do cry afterwards I feel so empty. Sometimes I cut myself or find attention online just to make myself cry properly, so I can feel something. And the numbness that hits after is really like nothing I’ve ever felt. It honestly feels like being high.

I love the adrenaline of self harming, sitting on the toilet and staring at a wall for whatever amount of time feeling so light, feeling nothing, like nothing matters. Nothing going on in my brain yet so much going on in my brain but I can’t feel any of it. It really feels like being on drugs. I love the feeling of having jitters after, being cold and shivering, feeling old tears drop down my cheek and onto my hair. There’s nothing like it.

I don’t feel normal, I don’t want to be like this forever but I have NO idea what to do. It’s like if I’m not getting the perfect amount of attention at all times my life falls apart. I don’t tell anybody these things, I just come to Reddit. Not an attention seeker. Or maybe I am

TMI maybe??? I relapsed like 7 hours ago and it stings like really bad right now 😭😭😭i have long sleeves on so maybe thats irritating it?? Cause i dont have any bandaids on them, but im also wondering if i have dried blood thats pulling at my arm hair or something 😭 has anyone else dealt with this? Can you help ?? Or is this just a regular thing cause i dont really remember having it sting consecutively for this long before 💔

Today we were planning a trip to some place. And when we were going out, my mom starts scolding me for no reason. She was like “why does everything break in ur room is it because ur always in a hurry? How will u live ur life like this”. She rants for a bit. Then she gets mad and spirals at me. Then when I feel bad abt it- she scolds me for that. She says “learn to let go.. think of ur mother. We can’t even correct u or tell u anything.. u have no tolerance for it”. Then I tell her that she started it.

Then she goes on about how I should learn to control my emotions because I’m so damn emotional and depressed and can’t control myself. Yes,me. This woman starts yelling at me randomly for no reason, keeps spiralling n escalating at me. And I’M the one who’s hysterical and needs to control my emotions. It’s like she’s slapping me n telling me only to stop slapping her. Like honey- ur the one doing it???!!!??

I did my makeup so pretty (strawberries and flowers drawn with face paint). And wore my favourite clothes, matched my perfume. It was going so well. She isn’t happy n doesn’t let anyone to be happy. Then she goes on about how I have it so easy. If she didn’t want that for her kids why did she marry a nice man with a decent income? She makes me feel so damn guilty for being happy. Like I should sit and repent for every good thing I have.

She goes on about her childhood without realising she’s mimicking her abusive parents behaviours on me. Telling me how much more easy I have it. As though she really did a better job or something.

I can never have nice things in this house. She infantilises me and goes on about how age is just a number and I haven’t earned the right to call myself an adult (I’m above 18). And she keeps doing this any second she finds. Finds a random thing to be mad about and conclude this is why I shouldn’t move out because I’M immature and emotional and hysterical and mad.

I’ve been clean for over a year now but whenever this happens I really feel like relapsing. Idk what to do. This whole trip is going to be so shitty and argumentative and explosive. That’s not what I was having in mind for this family trip. We still haven’t reached the location and I’m just scared atp.

I’m not allowed to defend myself or it just escalates beyond anything. And when I react she gets pissed. Like dude- I’m not a masochist, I will look sad when u yell at me. It’s not even like I’m yelling back or cussing at her, it’s all her doing and me mostly staying quiet. But when I’m trying to stay quiet through all the rage baiting, then she’s like ur look pisses me off ur Face is disrespectful. I’m not even allowed to look sad. When I stay quiet she gets pissed for not talking n how abnormal I am for being so quiet. And constantly taunts me for being an introvert. And when I talk and say anything, anything, she gets mad at me beyond measure. Last time she asked me to wash the dishes and I said thanks for reminding me, she got so mad and said that saying thank u was incredibly disrespectful of me.

If she just wants a punching bag, she can be honest about it. Why make up all these reasons?? That makes me feel worse about myself. She said my smile looks ugly, and I’m fat etc. I hate myself because of her. Instead of pointing these things out she can get mad for no reason. It’d hurt me less and I’d know I’m just a punching bag aka it’s not MY fault it’s just that I’m the easy target.

When u live in this household u internalise this shit. Really affects ur self esteem, social circle, relationships and even sexual life (unable to say no etc)

When I overdosed she said I won’t take u to the hospital just die. She’s been telling me to kms for a long time

Now she’s sitting n making fun of me for being a pissy baby and a pussy

Hello as a man I allways found it quiet funny how self harm is portayed in media. Often it's a female in their teens cutting wrist or thighs. Dressed in black wearing long sleeves.

When I was younger I would easily cover up my injuries by blaming sports or roughhousing. My SH would consist of headbutting walls, punching stuff or injuries that would coinsist with my sports. It was so easy to just shrug my shoulders and blame it on that I got jumped outside a bar etc. I never got any follow-up questions. Showing up at school or a gathering with friends and revealing a new scar or injurie was like a badge of honor.

Nowadays I barely SH but still engage in risky behavior. I wonder how many of us men fly under the radar with this kind of actions. Like provocing fights at pubs, resturants, sporting events or partys. Going home alone drunk at night and taking a shortcut through a bad neighbourhood or hotspots for robberies and assaults. Driving under the influence or getting a lift by someone under the influence. Or being part of a subculture like football hooliganism.

My question is how do other men view this stereotyp and where do they fit in? I have only talked in depht about this with one other man and he worked in a resturant and would easily blame his injuries to hands and arms as a result of his profession.

my biting myself when frustrated thing got so bad that now im breaking skin and bleeding, im truly worthless

I haven't posted here for a really long time. Can't say things get a lot better, but definitely there's an improvement in my life. Haven't cut for a four(?) months already!! Staying clean even though sometimes still hage urges whenever something triggering or stressful happens. Have a good day everyone!!

I feel bad after cutting. I just cut my thigh and am crying. But i dont want to stop. I have no intention on even trying to. It helps too much, it feels too good. I'm stuck.

I’m trying to be supportive of a person who I know self-harms. I discovered it just recently, but she has been cutting herself for about a year. I'm not sure if she knows I know, probably yes, but we never explicitly talked about that.

Some days ago I took her aside for a moment, told her I noticed she is struggling (I didn't mentioned the cuts because I didn't want to make her feel exposed), and that I was kinda worried for her, and I would liked to know how she was and if she wanted to talk.

I'm now worried that I might have used some wrong words, and that instead of making her feel free to talk to me about it, I've placed the burden on her to reassure me.

She told almost nothing, just that she is doing a little better lately and she thanked me for asking.

What do you think? I did something wrong? Should I apologise or bring up the topic again?

I'm also kinda worried that maybe her family is not too supportive, and maybe she also has suicidal thoughts (I've overheard her saying strange phrases). I would do anything to help her, but I don't want to be too intrusive, or add more pressure to her.

i feel so so im so stuck and theres something wrong with me

i cant anymore i genuinley cant im so alone

i dont even know what to do

i dont even go threre and they all speak about me but i dont even go there

d

and she delete my contact she blocked me because why bexmcause im odd and i know she did

shes not a liar and were still blaming oursleves

im so scsred

3 hrs ago I cut all over my thighs. I only had a leg warmer so I covered my thigh up and slept despite the fact it was burning me really bad. I’m not sure what layer they are because blood is stuck even though i just ran water over it (but I saw two styros). I don’t have any first aid kit or something and the leg warmer is painful so I’m wondering if someone has a hack or something or and ointment I could buy for the burning it stings pretty bad (preferably cheap)

its not severe cuts which is what makes me feel like a loser. sure, some dermis but in my mind thats not good enough. i miss my old self, 13 yrs old when i would cut every night. I miss the bright pink scars and i miss cutting on my arms. now all i can do is my chest and my upper thighs and it sucks. I miss doing 20+ cuts in one session and covering my thighs and getting validation from random people online. at the same time though i hate how it's brought some weird fucking people into my life, i hate how i keep crawling back to him, i hate how he ignores how sick and disgusting he is. I wish i could tell him how i really feel but i can't bring myself to. im sorry for my stupid rant, i just don't know what to do. i hate myself and my body and I hate that i can't open up to anyone. i hate things and i miss things and that's all i do.

I have so much laundry, the room's very messy, and a lot of homework. I haven't taken a bath for 2 days now and I feel so overwhelmed. I haven't even replied to my friend's 10+ messages and I'm constantly telling myself to reply but I can't. I feel so fucking uncomfortable everywhere. But I'm literally 3 weeks clean! And I told myself I'd try my best to stay clean but it's not going well. I thought everything was great, and to tell you I even started doing skin care which was a big deal. Now, I'm breaking out because I stopped, goodness. Everything fucking sucks

I feel so lazy. My mind's literally saying "cvt yourself cvt yourself" like wtf. I can't even get out of my bed because I feel lazy but I feel itchy all over my body 'cause I feel so uncomfortable not feeling anything physically. I don't know what to do, like, where do I even start, it's such a mess and I feel so much discomfort and fuck I just wanna rest all day and do nothing but I feel so guilty because why am I like this