So tried to post this on social anxiety (which i still may do on another account that has karma).
So basically worked from home last year, no family, no friends in my state and i had health issues that prevented me from going out. I ended up getting laid off from the work from home job in about january .. with 6 mo unemployment. Miraculously while being lazy towards the 5th month end, I got a job. Greater commute, but enough to keep the lights on. This was a physical labor job. Different state than where I live ... different atmosphere and culture than what im used to. I earnestly didn't know if id keep the job because of my health issues and the physical labor part. But day 1 i had intense anxiety, could barely speak, felt the anxiety in my body. I wasn't COMPLETELY socially black out for the year as the job I had was call center, but face-to-face stuff? Yeah.
So to start off.. i decided to categorize two different 'issues' I had for funsies. You're welcome. A choose your own adventure, Route A and B. Route B I CARE more about because .. im technically still on that route. If you want or would bless me with responding to both routes, also possible! There'll be background before Route A and B starts with those being highlighted :)
Anyway, fast forward through day one, we have work areas for this job. I get my work area, two to an area. Some girl, (cute) flashes a smile and asks if she could work there. I said yeah. She starts to .. but finds out the computer for her work area isn't helping. She has to movem goes to move to a guy (we're both day 1, same orientation), they absolutely hit it off. Liveliest two people out of like 25 new hires. I don't think much of it. I continue through the course of the week, the job is INTENSIVE, I needed major amounts of caffeine to cope .. and BARELY. My 2nd day set a weird precedent too, worked with a COMPLETE jerk of a woman. 3rd/ .. different experience, worked with a guy who HATED the job and said how he couldn't understand how so many people liked it (I was closer to his camp.) I worked slowly and 4th day, met a 'friend'. We talked, but I did a couple of things I regret. I was cranky and grumpy, I shared my entire life story, my health, the issues with getting an MRI. But overall, they were patient and kind. We'll call them M. M and the first girl who I said were cute, only talked to each other in our group. We'll call her A ... Very friendly, cordial, I think M did her a favor (M was not hitting on them and is in a relationship). M is a social butterfly, the type of person I latched onto in anything. They'd create the social energy, they'd ask interesting questions, i'd be taciturn and shut off till someone reached out to me. I did NOT want to depend on M, so I started sitting away from them at a different work area. M got another work partner (ironically imo .. HORRIBLE attitude, has cut in front of me twice to get in line for metal detector when we leave for the day with no compunction.. once i can understand, TWICE? .. Also does every single thing the managers say not to and gets rewarded .. cuz her method means results). I also got another partner .. 1 who was iffy on me, we'll call her I ... for ignore.. Lastly ... for 2nd day, I forgot to mention. There was a girl who sat across from the jerk i worked with who ironically was friendly. We'll call her T. It was a WEIRD interaction, I thought she was looking at me sometimes but she was just facing me. Me and T did not initially hit it off. Ok .... last domino, this job is probationary so people who don't 'perform' in 90 days will not get the role (I.. no EVERYONE basically with few exceptions, ended up getting it as its so intensive and laborious that people don't want to work it. PLUS its graveyard till 4am).
OK just setting up the dominos for anyone who bothered reading. Ok so we'll start. At the job, I started to realize that I ABSOLUTELY hated myself. I LIKE the things that I do, anime, games, my humor, but its never worked enough to have friends. The attitude and environment of the job didn't help. The few times I made small talk or tried to, instant attitude. Literally saw a guy watching dragonball super on his phone (fireable offense, hes still here) and told him a new season was coming out and I get a whole half a headshake.
Ok great. Route A) So girl, T. We both used the vending machine. V's card didn't work, or the machine didn't. I offer to pay (desperate.. and desperate to get my drink). Mine goes through, V adds me to cash app. She gets my name from it, but at this point I still have a lot of anxiety. Now .. through 4 months IRONICALLY, miraculously .. I reduce my anxiety by like .. 70%. Exercise, lifting weights, dopamine resets pushed it down when I thought day 3 i'd NEED to get back on Lexapro because of how badly i was anxious (glad i didnt, saved the insurance costs). But we are NOT there yet. V is friendly, speaks her mind, isnt choosy who she interacts with. But me and V don't really interact in any major way after the vending machine until maybe week 6 (nothing of note really happens these weeks but M DOES help fix my car. They seemed really grateful or maybe thought I hated them, I did not. M is part of the lgbt and this place is likely full of ... ridiculouslness and ill leave it at that for now.. M also makes a REALLY great friend in this period and they are thick as thieves (aside from A who has her own group of cohorts now as well).
Route A cont)Ok week 6, person I (my random sometimes work partner) starts giving me a complex. They'd literally take and remove the equipment needed to do our jobs, take it to another place and 'create' a work station. By the end of week 6 .. I went behind them for equipment, THEY needed and maybe because it was behind her, she did not want me standing behind her (IMO) and offered me the whole thing. I tell her to keep it politely. But at that point I didn't want to work with her. Then to top it off, there is a rude person adjacent to us affecting EVERYONES work. So I feign an issue, see V is by herself on a different area and move to work by them. V is .. ULTRA gen z on the phone instead of working, but its not completely silent, we make minor small talk despite slight awkwardness. V then says they don't feel well and asks if I can go up front to the vending machine and grab something and they'll app me the $$. They don't have what they want. But I THINK V liked the fact that I was willing to do her the favor. This then starts a mini arc of V meeting me at MY workstation through the next couple of months and asking the same. Apping me the money all the time, Quid pro quo. It was a few funny interactions, with her literally leaping behind the counter and scaring me (V is short). So after that, V would greet me almost EVERY day. She then asks me if I want something up front .. but I tell her I dont really do vending machine food (Im on paleo .. trying to lose weight to fix/maintain my health). V was surprised, never asks again after that for me to get something from the machine. It was SLIGHTLY imo weird that V almost never had a card on hand but was able to app me exact amounts. Ok so this is the endcap for 1 of 2 stories. V randomly tells me in front of a random group of strangers that they're starting an event at their college (an activity, im not going to go into the one). I IGNORE V because im awkward in front of talking to people at this point. I walk away, I call V over when theres fewer people, I tell them I wasn't ignoring them, they said they know i wasn't and thinks i was just not within earshot .. but I was nervous.
I freak out a little for SOME weird reason when I explain it to her. She walks off. We're still cordial, but V then stops saying hi as often. I start to say it to her, it works out ok. Ok so final days ... I have been feeling my health, I literally had one of the few days with NO physical symptoms of anxiety. Like nothing was able to slow me down or get in my way. We have a group meeting because of a thunderstorm and management deciding what to do. I was sitting confident, stimulation down, nervousness down, but i had been trying to do things for MYSELF. Fresh clothes, hair, hygiene, self care. V actually comes over to me, but I don't say anything. Im looking at my phone for hairstyles .. after 20 seconds, V moves back to where she was.
Ok .. last day, I only 'worked' with V the one day, honestly was me attempting to flirt, have fun, whatever. But FAILING. V and I this last day sat at differing work stations, half the people who i meet at this place, including I HATED working with or next to me, but I was the main one. V and I ACCIDENTALLY happen to sit at the same station (it had been a while at this point, I stopped working with I and I started intentionally moving to stations with only 1 area so i didnt have to deal with people). So to me im like ok this is dnfferent, we havent worked with each other in a month and a half. V RANDOMLY gets up and goes after disappearing for 10 mins. I take offense, saltier than a peanut. But she says she has practice for her event at college. I don't really say anything, i didn't 'hear her'. I put the words together well after she left and walked out the building. V then seems cautious around me. If she's talking to a friend .. i'd catch her looking at me like 10 feet away .. it happened a couple of times. Then one day, shes outside the building for her lunch break. NEVER happened, but its such a large crowd I don't want to say anything. I walk by ... go eat in my car. V walks in stoneface. I never hear from V again and she either quit or they fired her. V keep in mind did invite me to the activities at her college to watch her.
This event, hurt. I honestly felt pretty down. This was just after the probationary period. I was on a high, I got the job, got rewarded for performance. But now there seemed nothing to aim to.
I try to do more in terms of losing weight, minor exercises at work during lunch to burn any excess calories. I congratulate M and fistbump as I 100% thought I was getting fired from this job as I got a write up. But I ended up getting the job as did M AND I got a shoutout for a performance metric.
Route B) Fastforward, I try to make friends DESPITE the culture that im not familiar with. Doesn't go well, dumb jokes don't land, flat out ignored. I talk to 5 random people. Varying degrees of success, just a 'hi hows it going' or grabs at small talk. One of those people is person A (we cycle back like nietzsche). When M and A talked, M would try to pull me into the convo and id avoid it. Was once again, shy/anxious/overloaded. Person A's friends left/got fired. But I dont KNOW person A. So I talk it up. Now with work as i mentioned, I go for random exercise during lunch breaks as the VERY first time I did it, it alleviated my anxiety and i've never stopped. After the first 4 random people I give myself a grace period to talk to person A. I originally thought to ask M how they were like but M was in another department area. So I decide to just go for it. Now between these situations, I had lost a MAJOR friendship and realized the person absconded from my life .. for good. Likely avoidant (we won't go there for critique). When I understood that was the case .. I was upset, crying. But .. I was in front of person A's car (walking along the sidewalk) as I did. I didn't know if I looked angry, sad, upset or like I wanted to punch something. I walked away back to my own car, got in. Afterwards I still continued to plan to talk to A, but I was scared. Was a coincidence meltdown something that lodged with her mentally. But this was the ended of the probationary period when they sent out full time job offers. I asked her if she got it, she nodded somewhat anxious looking. She walks off mid convo. The safest of all conversation topics or so I thought. I called to her I was just asking because we both were in the same orientation. Shakes her head again, walks off.
Now some slight background there with Person A, i've accidentally locked eyes with but didn't talk, awkwardly so. Locked eyes when they walked by with another coworker, locked eyes when i pulled off with my car as they're walking by .. I was NOT sure if my breakdown freaked her out, or that.
Now once again, person A had two female friends who quit, she also occassionally talked to the guy she hit it off with during day 1. We'll call them .. J.
Anyway after that reaction, I honestly thought I freaked person A out, that I scared them. I need the job .. so I decided to try and avoid them from that point. .. It .. did not work out, unusually strong eye contact, or the fact that i'd glance eye contact when I walked by. But I HONESTLY believe I was just overreacting. I didn't get it. There are people I made strong eye contact with who were cool, or just maybe (IMO) thought I was nervous. But person A didn't want to talk. As I started to avoid them, i ironically thought i had to think on how to avoid them more accurately. But the place isnt that big if youre in the department. It lasted .. a couple of weeks. Randomly .. after a few days, not even talking to person A. We ran by each other in a crowd. It was deer in headlights, they would not stop looking at me, not stop staring. Then .. an hour later, person A and J were in the break room .. I walk by, Person A looks .... scared. J looks like he slightly is too. I legit didn't get it, didn't understand. I was heading to get a drink .. so I walk by J's side to give person A space. I start to feel depressed, anxious, nauseous. I was already depressed. Both of these situations brought me to a low. But I had recently started to grasp that .. I react defensively, my mannerisms and the way I deal with people is because I saw myself as worthless, not worthy of being treated with kindness. My relationships, all of them, never commanded respect. My one long term relationship was a one sided power dynamic in many respects. I start to fall into a major depression, I start crying every couple of days.
Route B cont)To finish it off, Person A starts hanging with someone new .. not J, we'll dubb them X. IMO, unlike with J, X and person A started to date. .. OR are near that point. At first I just thought hey, person A wants to do a different job role and they're training. It COULD be. To give slight background on X ... X was connected to a woman (we'll call her Y, last letter) who I think is the mother of his child/children (I overheard some gossip from people saying shes 'hot'). But they arent actually 'together'. They worked together for 2 months.. but towards the end of the probation period, they both started working with other people despite looking like they were the BEST of friends. Y hung out with a random guy, person X started hanging out with A. Now why do I think they're dating or are dating? Only for one reason .. Person A always, without fail for 3 months, went out to her car to eat. But for two days now she hasn't. Instead of go out, she lingers around a few minutes longer with person X. So .. typing it out, I know it wasn't a good look for me to still be interested, I KNOW me avoiding person A, might have had the inverse effect. That night during my lunchbreak, cried in my car. The same spot i always use .. specifically chose a different one. Took the whole lunchbreak to calm down and put on a gameface. When I saw person X and A walk out together, i felt odd, she RAN up to catch up to him. The second night, they walked out side by side...But then for a moment they split up as person A had to hand over end night tools, but while I was looking towards the group, person A looked back and .. it felt their eyes lingered on me. .. It felt like for a second that all the color had went out of the room. I had never had that experience. Third night in a row, they did as well. I gave up hope. Literally these two people NEVER interact. They hadn't even walked by each other, person X had person Y. Person A had her two friends and J.
At this point i'd been crying every day. How did I mess up, how do I deal with the fact that person A looks terrified of me and friendly with others. I used my day off to do some soul searching. Was it right to avoid her, in conjunction with everything else did it make it THAT bad? .. So I made a plan. I was done ... I knew I regretted everything I had did and said. I knew somewhere along the way things were 100% my fault. But I need the job ... maybe 2 .. no 3 months more. So, I just wrote
out a text, with the headline being im sorry, unconditionally so. If this is anything to go by the text was long. I had NEVER talked to her again after the first attempt asking if she got the job. That was like 4 weeks ago. I saw her clock in, handed her the phone, asked to read it. I walk away as another girl nearby looks amused .... i explained everything to person A. What happened with the car meltdown, why I was avoiding her, that I was sorry. But it was 10 paragraphs, she can't read the whole thing due to the meeting. She hands me back the phone .. wordlessly. At first I THOUGHT she did, or maybe she sped read through them .. but ... its impossible. The meeting was like 2-3 minutes. The text would've taken 6 minutes average to read if going by the google plug in. After the meeting, she walks by .. no fear, but just slightly dour, she looks at me, but .. she does walk by my station. Now .. slight context, person A looks ... out of it. Tired, sad, down, ... 'unwell'. Hair wasn't done in the usual style, so I didn't even immediately recognize.
Two concessions here to kick while im down. I recognize it likely might've been limerence and I recognize the limerence is likely because im at a dead end job like this with few goals, ambitions or focuses. BUT I am not interested in this person any longer, I just didn't want to get stared down anytime I go into the breakroom. If it was a regular person whose path i never crossed again, I would've taken the L. But now .. while at first im like, COOL, we can put this behind us, now im like .. maybe.....maybe not? The first part of my message was an apology. So ... sure the intent is clear there. BUT the part of my message that would've explained the car, situation? No. That said EVEN if she was dismissive of me i had no right to act like I did? .. Or that I was on the spectrum? (Unofficially diagnosed by therapist AND oddly enough so wanted to be diagnosed by my 'neurologist' who knows a guy, that they offered despite the fact i thought i had ALS last year and SCREW an autism diagnoses when im losing use of my arm) SHE--Likely didnt read any of that. When I got my phone, the text was shrank, probably to see just HOW long a text was. (12 paragraphs). .. ANY positives? She wasn't mad, she wasnt apprehensive, but she was not engaged and likely HAD to act a certain way in front of bosses, as did I. .... Anyway the past couple of weeks from hell. I hate myself, hate how my insecurities affect others (What I was REALLY avoiding, not person A, the fact I was insecure on how she reacted). Hate how I got to live first hand on getting dusted by Chad and Tyrone. I am hoping that the apology portion of the message (Likely finished) clears up enough where its just .. I can go to work again and feel safe, emotionally. (End route B)
Soooo... fuuun times right? Idk if anyone wants to weight in but ill leave these here, check back in a few.