Why do people self harm?

tl;dr please just talk to me i'm a young person who doesn't know what's going to happen to their life

do not pm me. follow sub rules. cw for non-graphic descriptions of relapse
i really hope someone responds to this. it would make my day. my year, probably. i understand if you can’t help me with this right now and hope you’re doing okay. so.

jesus fuck i’m in a lot of pain these days 
time to drop the whole storyline 🤦
a high-functioning person who’s privately tormented, ya know? it’s a disgusting vision and i don’t know why i want it, but i have for years. It’s stupid. i could lead a fantastic and enviable life. i genuinely have it all. i look good, i’m talented, people like me, i’m going places. yes, i do hurt. of course i do. but idk why i want it to be such a prominent part of me, why i want to be delicate or whatever the fuck, why i want being alive and healthy to become some kind of gold star.
i’ve been looking at sh and ed related things for years. this includes forums, photos, videos, body checks, stories, and pretty much all the worst stuff a developing person could possibly look at (kpop diet forum vs gore site 🫢 i actually don’t know). i never fell into any disordered eating patterns for long periods of time but i’ve come way too close.
before this i was generally pretty rational. no social media. the influences are there, though. the content is there. all the friends who harmed themselves in different ways. the ones who passed, too.
okay, too dark.
now, a while ago i was pressured into dating someone. for months, i cut myself and rejected him while he coerced me verbally. the first thing i did after i first cut myself was tell someone about it. i still look down on myself for not being able to suffer alone for even a moment and being an attention whore and not being able to work toward my wish.

irrational thoughts. god, irrational thoughts.
i hate self harm. i love it.
i don’t want it. i want it.
i want to be normal. i fetishize it.
i’m preserving myself. i’m holding back the inevitable.
i’m scared of growing up. i look forward to being free.
i’m going to be great. i want to waste my life. 
i see potential to use. i see potential to waste. 
i’m genuinely struggling. i’m using everyone else.
see how it just never fucking ends???

anyway, a couple months of self harm. being high achieving and tortured and letting everyone know and bathing in the attention. being able to let that self-destructive urge out at will after it sat fermenting for years.
then my family found out and i stopped for a year and a half because i couldn’t bear to cause them pain.
triggers are like drops in a bucket for me. i can be triggered a lot and feel urges for a long time before acting. my current plan is to set up a call with my therapist before acting on urges if i feel like they’re getting to me. i’m responsible.
dropped the guy i was dating and ended up w/ a different guy (one i was actually into). i broke up with that guy recently because the relationship had gone to shit. i relapsed for the first time too after changing some meds. it wasn’t just the meds though, yk? it was a whole lot of drops in a bucket. 

LARGE TW/CW for a non-graphic description. please save yourself the details if you can’t handle it rn. i promise it is NOT that important. i had unshakable tidal wave level urges for several days. i tried to sleep through it and stay distracted, but it didn’t let up. then i relapsed. i planned it. i recorded it. i was 100% in the moment (not dissociating or anything i mean) and did not regret it at all for almost a week. i regret it now, and am scared of the person who felt that way while also being that person and also not regretting it at all. i did not post the video because i do not and will not post things.

small interlude (indulging myself after writing this post for five hours straight): i’m really lonely right now and could use a little conversation about anything that interests you, so please feel free to respond with such things 🥺🥺🥺 i just need to talk with something that isn’t ai. ha. it has been said that i have some zeal for life.

i never had a strong reason to be clean, and now that i’m not, i’m floundering. time feels like it’s going 20 times slower. anyway, i’ve come up with some reasons to stay clean.
i am scared i will:

• chase an unattainable high
• succumb to the pressure to go deeper (i really don’t want to)
• become suicidal
• make my family and friends sad

i am NOT tryna do allat 🫢

it’s hard for me to say this, but neglecting this issue really was a mistake. idk what’s wrong with me these days. i’ve been falling into increasingly risky and irrational behavior, and don’t know which side of myself is really me.
risky behavior:

• i lie in bed all day dreaming about cutting, sex (fuck off creeps), food, and my imaginary boyfriend (usually separately).
• i’ve been talking to strangers on the internet, lying about my age to some, and breaking a hell of a lot of mdni boundaries.
• i’m lurking on forums and searching for harmful content.
• i’m unable to get out of bed (laziness or depression final boss) and unable to control my horniness (even there i’m being risky).
• i attempted to do something risky involving alcohol.
• i desperately believe i want the best for myself and still i’m posting on reddit. (okay, c’mon, that was pretty funny.)
• anything i mentioned earlier

the good thing is i’ve been unable to cry for months (except during the breakup surprisingly) and suddenly i can cry again and it’s amazing. i know, it’s not that good.

i’m done writing but lord i just want to get it out to someone. i’m sick of missing so many classes to be another stupid emo weirdo and failing at even that. i crave people caring about me, i crave attention, and then i get it and i feel like it’s all wrong. i feel like i’m biting into a sandwich and the ingredients are just spilling out the sides, if that makes sense.
i have no idea how my life is going to go but i can see so many paths and some of them are so beautiful and some are so dark.
it’s not fair. despite doing so well, despite being a genuinely lovely and precious person, i’m slowly crumbling away like this.
so
please
help?
advice?
connection?

tl;dr please just talk to me i'm a young person who doesn't know what's going to happen to their life

Came on here just to talk about this, I have no idea what to title it but yeah, does anyone else selfharm not because you're sad and depressed, in fact I'm actually doing just fine I just think scars look hella cool and my body looks too plain right now

(repost with fewer details.)

I scratched myself. I felt the urge (which happens almost everyday), but I don't want lasting scars. Now there is just red bruise scratches. It's not too noticeable.

Mostly, when I have urges, I fantasize about doing it.

I don't have a mental diagnosis of any kind. The only diagnosis I probably have at all is nearsightedness. I don't like self-diagnosing, but I think I have a form of depression with suspected autism. But again, I don't like self-diagnosing myself.

I lie in the paper they give at the doctor's office to avoid conflicts. I don't have anyone to talk to, and im not really allowed to go far outside. I go to online school also.

Going back to the point: In these fantasies, there are (TW) lots of blood and scars on the arms and legs. Sometimes there are bandages/care, or even a character I made up in my head comforting me.

But because I don't have visible scars, and I haven't actually made them in a while, this led to this question:

If I draw (personal, not posted) vent art, would it be okay to include fresh, bleeding scars on my (maybe self-insert) character? I'm mostly concerned because my arms are basically scarless. The scar on my wrist from around 2-3 years ago has almost faded.

I never even harmed my legs. The few scars on my legs are unintentional. I don't even know how most of them even appeared.

Now, would it be okay to even include many healed scars on my character in my vent art? When I myself don't have any visible/noticeable scars?

What about this situation that will most likely never happen: If I post non-vent art with a character, maybe even a self-insert, with noticeable healed scars on the arms or legs, is that controversial if I myself don't have visible scars?

I believe that most people who have scars on their OCs or self-inserts usually have visible scars on themselves.

But what about me? Am I/would I be insensitive to people with visible scars?

i’m 151 days clean that’s 5 months in two days. i don’t know when it got so easy but it somehow did but also it’s never been harder? i haven’t had access to my tool of choice and maybe that’s the only reason i haven’t cut but idk. my head is just a scrambled confused mess. and i can’t help but miss that red

I’ve struggled with cutting for 6 years and recently have fallen hard back into the habit, my athletic trainer has helped me through a lot of rough cuts, I feel like sometimes I cut just to feel loved by someone who knows how to make me feel loved, cause she makes me feel loved, heard, and seen without any judgement… I’ve tried everything and I can’t get myself to stop and I’m so tired of it, does anyone have any completely unhinged coping ideas because I swear I’ve tried it all.

I haven't really sh'd for around 7 months now (yay ig) but lately I've had a lot going on and the urge to relapse is building. I'd really rather not and it would be inconvenient. Is there anything I can do to mitigate this urge?

It's was so hard the last few weeks, like I really wanted to relapse, but i haven’t for 110 days now :3

I mean how am I supposed to live without pills without alcohol without nicotine without cutting myself??? What the hell am I supposed to do? SERIOUSLYYYY HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO STAY SOBER???

I'm frustrated I just want to relapse again I don't care about anything anymore

My family sucks, my life in general is a mess and I'm genuinely thinking about relapsing

My life isn't fun if I don't have drugs or if I don't cut myself

I definitely want to go back but there's NO FUCKING WAY I CAN DO IT AND THAT PISSES ME OFF AGHHH

So I was around on Tumblr in 2014-2016 when all the sadcore black and white depressed girl aesthetic was at its peak. I thought cutting was trendy. I did it in obvious places and showed two people even though I didn't actually like it or understand why people do it cuz it just hurt.

Ten years on, I'm 28 now. I've come back to it. I did it very rarely when I got very sad, like once in the last year. Now it's gotten frequent again. It's like loosening a pressure valve. It helps me get unblocked and move forward. It's a personal thing. I don't do it for other people, I do it for me. I do it shallow, though my tolerance will probably build soon and I'll need more. I don't do it where people easily see, and it heals quickly without me ever showing anyone or particularly wanting anyone to see.

My relationship with it has changed. I'm what I thought I was as a teenager, except I'm an adult.

I've been selfharm free for almost 3 months and I'm so proud of myself everything has been soo much better, me and my partner have both promised eachother not to do it ever again and we're going strong. I've found new hobbies to do, did more socialising and met some really fun people, it's amazing how much can change in that time frame, new years is getting near and 2027 will hopefully be an even better year for me I love you all and I hope you all get better too❤️

a few days ago wouldve marked a year clean for me, but ive been having horrible urges recently, i think my own scars are triggering me?? i dont know anyone personally who also struggles or has struggled with sh, so i feel like i cant be open about it, or let anyone know. i do everything i can to hide my scars and cover them up because im terrified of someone looking at the lowest time of my life and calling me an "attention seeker" for it.
lately a big problem for me is -ive been wanting to wear more comfortable or revealing clothes, and when i put on a bikini or shorts i end up crying, i hate how my thighs look bumpy and magled, i feel like ill have to wear long baggy pants for the rest of my life. i love going to the beach more than anything, but then i have to wear swim trunks, its unflattering and gives me an awful tan line, do any other girls struggle with this? im scared ill have to deal with this for the rest of my life and itll cause me to never become confident in my body, any advice helps honestly, ive never talked about this before

lately my mental health has been on a steep decline and i do not know how to tell that to my parents. i have a therapist who i absolutely adore and its gotten better but its getting bad again. i feel like maybe im not getting the right help that i need. this makes me think maybe a mental hospital (are we still calling it that? pls lmk) might be the next step at getting me healthy. my mother is the root and core of my self harm and i think that maybe being away from her and being treated might really help. i also hear a lot of horror stories about these places so i want to know first if it really is worth it. thanks everyone

my mom saw my scars and i feel like i failed her. i dont know how to respond to her when she asks me why. i feel so consumed by grief and sadness but she expects me to get better snd to stop and i feel lkke i cant. i dont know what tk do. my scars make me feel so unlovable. i havw given up on hte idea that inwill ever find my people. whetebr they be platonic or romantic. i dont tbink love is for me. and my scars will be a constant remjnder of that. i want to be 5 years old and oblivious again. i dont want to feel like this. i dont want to be in this constant limbo between avtuallt living and wallowing in my sadness. j dont want to struggle. i dont want to think and be aware of how messed up my brain is and how screwed up i am. i dont want to constantly be engrossed by thoights of death. i dont want to feel like tbis. how do i stop.

Im so tired. I cant do this anymore. This breakup has been destroying me and i dont know what to do . Ive been cutting myself almost daily now. They want me to move out before we could get back together (we both live with our families right now) but i dont have anywhere to go and they dont really want me moving in with them. I just want things back to normal. Im so so so tired. I cant do this. I want it to go back to how we were.

It happens to me that I was stressed about things that were too silly, and well, I don’t want to cut myself. I just want to know something so I can relax and take things easy, I don’t know, maybe an advice, or a tip? My head usually hurts, and my stomach, it hurts so terribly when I feel anxious o upset. Please <:[

So it's just a thought but it really triggers me when someone says I'm harming for attention or to seem cool

And even when it's not being said to me it makes me feel like I wanna go deeper or if it's about my smoking it makes me want to smoke more

Like other than the urge to cut that always follows me someone invalidating people who cut makes me wanna cut

And I remember times where I have to suck it up when someone says such stuff and when I'm home I'd harm or try to get deeper than my usual

Like I'm trying to prove something even though no one is really watching or even noticing scars or anything since i hide when I relapse but idk why it triggers me tbh, does anyone else feels this way? (and it's not like I'm always triggered specially when it's random people online I wouldn't really care but irl it does!)

I'm not too panicked yet because it doesn't really have that many signs of infection no puss or really bad smell but I cut myself on the breast which I only recently learned is dangerous but that was like 2ish weeks ago and the cut is taking awhile to heal and I put a piece of tissue in my bra so the serous drainage I think you call it doesn't get on my bra but the tissue or toilet paper gets stuck to it and when I pull it off it still bleeds a bit but not a lot and the cut didn't really close up much as you can probably tell so should I be worried I think when I first cut it I saw a bit of yellow is this normal for beans? like taking awhile to heal

Ive tried looking into it but im only finding tattoo markers, which I dont want. I want to be able to mark myself with the marker and have it wash off in the shower or whatever. The tattoo markers ive seen advertise themselves as water proof and long lasting. Anyone have any products they could share?

okay so the title probably is self explanatory buttttttt im getting my scars removed! im going to a plastic surgeon tmrw so they can assess what they need to do but im super excited! i know they wont fully be removed but im really happy to at least just tone down some of the redder ones. i am also offically 4 months clean from any form of self harm!

and to anyone who is still struggling, i know this sounds like bullshit and everyone says it, but it will get better. :)

It's not uncommon for me to see people refer to their fresh/healing wounds as scars and it always confuses me a little. Is this a language thing, like are certain words the same thing in any non-English languages or is it something else? It seems to me quite obvious that a scar means a wound that has fully healed (or at least visibly so, I know there's still healing happening in superficially closed & scabless scars). Not a dig at anybody! I'm genuinely curious because I see it so often. If you are somebody/know of somebody who does, what were you taught a scar is? And is it a translation issue or are you a native/fluent English speaker?

I am 7 months clean from cutting. It’s the longest I’ve ever been in the past 6 years.

My last episode scared me. I went too deep.

I’m scared to cut myself again. I feel like a poser.

I am 18. Since I was 12, I was always wanting to self harm. Just waiting for my cuts to heal so I could do more. I still get the thoughts of wanting to do it, but all the things that I DID like about doing it, is gone.

I liked the blood, the pain, the visuals. But my previous episode was bad. I know I could’ve done worse, Ive seen people do worse— but for me, it was the deepest I’ve ever done.

I had to get stitches from it. I cut my nerve in my wrist, sometimes my hand tingles if I touch it the wrong way.

Sometimes, I get flashbacks. The numbness in my thumb and finger after I did it. It barely bleeding, just being yellow. Using my fingers to close the gap together. The disgust in my mom’s and the nurses faces when they saw it. My crying and screaming.

I’m scared to even use scissors again.

If I really think about it, I was over dramatic. It really wasn’t THAT bad, I know other people did it worse, but it’s terrifying when it happens when you don’t mean to go that deep.

I guess I should be happy I’m clean, proud of myself. But a part of me knows I’m only clean because I’m scared, another part thinks I’m a poser because a real “self-harmer” doesn’t stop.

ive probably asked this already but i cant remember

but its so genuinely addicting that im not sure the thought of doing it will ever TRULY go away

First time I cut deeper on my thigh and vertically, made a deeper cut that usual. The cat scratches faded mostly, no they don't worry me. Had a very rough day and decided that if I'm making a scar today might as well make it mean something. Decided to do one longer one than usual.

I usually hero my cuts in one way or another, but I fear this one will leave a white scale on top, and it will be harder to cover during summer or surgery/doctor inspections which sadly I might have.

Even knowing this I decided to make a cut today. I maybe have a week or two before any doctor appointments for my private area, and yet they have ignored my other cuts, I don't know how to make this less problematic.

If you know a good way to heal the deeper cuts, not sure what the term is, that wolud be helpful

I'm already a little regretful but since I made it theres no going back.

I don't feel better, the reason for self hatred just proved itself and made it worse.

Had a very weird and uncertain form of an argument with my mom, I feel guilt but I dont know what I did wrong because I tried acting like myself since me and her consider each other a safe space, and then it all spiraled into absolute shit. It was mostly because I struggle to understand her and I struggle to express my thoughts properly

She won't talk to me. I wrote her some form of an apology letter trying to express how I feel, but she just came in with tea and cookies and said "I'm not talking to you".

I thought I did my best to at least make myself more understandable

There are five future outcomes

We live in one apartment without communication

She and my dad send me to a psychiatrist because of my behavior

She will ask my dad to fund a seperote apartment for me since I apparently struggle to talk to her

I'll have to live with my dad which is most definitely not ideal

Hopefully tomorrow she reconsiders and at least understands a little bit.

She just said she's not talking, after doing something nice. Its so backwards, makes me even more confused and hateful to myself for not being able to communicate properly despite trying my best.

Ps. Here are a few notes that I made

My mother thinks I struggle to talk with her just because this evening I had trouble talking with her and expressing my concerns and making a problem bigger because it mattered more to me on my side while she wanted precise answers than I was struggling to give without context hence making everything more complicated

Now she thinks that i don't want to talk with her and she says that my behavior isn't normal because I reacted vigirously after her trying to be sweet and silly with me

I was just tired and not exactly wanting silliness and a sudden change of attitude after a serious conversation that I thought we agreed on and understood each othec

She'll talk to my dad I guess and either I'll live seperately or ill have to go to a psychiatrist

Just tried to be precise when I understood that I'm wrong but then giving proper answers fast was alsoznot the right choice and then she decided to change the topic and behavior rapidly while I was still nervous and thinknig about our previous topic

I wrote some form of an apology, I hope I won't get fucked in the butt for it later. Genuinely meant no harm

Update while typing this post:

She messaged me back something among the lines of

"I'm afraid when you hurt yourself by scratching and cracking/breaking your hands (something I do when I'm nervous) or break things. If the communication with me is the cause of that it's better if we don't talk, than you hurting yourself. I want you to be healthy and alive (ironic based how much I contemplate life in general). Please think about it. Goodnight."

Well that was a doozy to talk about.

I'm not sure if I should drink the tea and eat the cookies, feels almost as a sign of giving up and losing to her