I don’t know if this is a bpd issue or not so I apologize.
I was talking to my mom about problems that I experience. During talking I just felt so aware of how I sounded and felt so disgusted, and it got worse afterwards. It’s like I have a third person observer in my head that matches my perception of whoever I’m talking to. I imagine her perceiving me to be same way you’d perceive an 8 year old singing all girls are the same, I sound so damn stupid and pathetic and idk I can’t find the words. Everything from the way my repulsive ass nasally voice sounds to my speech pattern to what I’m saying. I just feel so fucking disgsuted with myself.
It’s not always like that, but very often I get that. It also extends out to just being around other people, when I’m in public every person I see enters my head as a third person observer and I can just hear all of their thoughts about me. That also means that it’s dependent upon the person I’m around and who I profile them to be.

How am I supposed to live my life if almost everyone triggers my black and white thinking and I end up not wanting to talk to or be around anybody but I also hate being alone. I can’t see the point in living either of those ways. Anyone else have similar experiences? Has anyone found a way to do something about that?

I'm really trying my best not to lose it. But he's disappeared again without a word even when I've already said a simple gesture of telling me why or where would be better for me and lessen my hurt... just a simple little text would mean the world to me just to know he's okay...I have promised myself not to do sh again but it's really hard when none of my usual resets are working. Rn the urge is so strong I dont think i have any otther options left. I just want the torture to stop. I don't understand why and how to live with these feelings. Sometimes i think about leaving just to let myself breathe and finally be free but that's impossible for me because leaving would feel like the end of the world. I would rather get hurt again and again rather than lose him completely but god I'm so fucking tired I can't take it anymore :(

aaaaaaaa!

i am so tired of people telling me this! “think about being single the rest of your life. accept it. grieve that pain. then you’ll be free. it doesn’t mean you won’t find anyone!” WHY WOULD I TORTURE MYSELF LIKE THAT! i don’t want to be free from needing love, because i want to be loved!

“once you’re comfortable with yourself and okay on your own, THEN you’ll be ready to find someone.” why do i have to suffer like that! why do i have to be so fucking alone before i’m worth being loved!

i don’t want to cope with being single! i don’t want to be content being single! i don’t want to have to give up the only thing i’ve looked forward to in life and “grieve it”! i want to fall in love and get married like everyone else! i want to stop being alone! i don’t want to be content like this!

eta: does anyone else get this? or just frustrated by the love yourself rhetoric in general?

Almost all my interests are attached to my fp or close friends. If they were not in my life anymore, i could drop all those things in an instant easily.

I have no dreams, i only work and study because i have to. I feel no emotional connection to anything i do purely for myself. I feel like i do not exist outside of other people. I am so hollow that i take my personality from everyone else. My friends and fp have noticed, but they don't understand how deep it really goes or why

Usually when I split I will isolate and be a total wreck on my own, I will struggle to find ways to soothe myself.
However, nowadays I will usually look at pictures of my bf and it calms me down. Sometimes I’m splitting because of him cuz he’s busy and I wish we’d text more tho I know he’s busy. But I still enjoy checking pictures of him and fangirling about how cute he is.
Anyways, I just wanted to write this thought down I guess.

Has anyone figured out why they latch onto the people that they do?

I’m trying to break the cycle of having FPs, and in order to do that, I gotta figure out what I’m getting from them. But it feels so random. I don’t know how to describe it, I just INSTANTLY feel an intense bond with some people, even before really getting to know them.

It’s not just because they show me love and care. I have multiple friends who do that, but the feeling is not the same at all. It doesn’t feel addictive like it does with an FP.

Hello, to start with, i dont have BPD but my sister does. And im afraid she is going to hurt herself once her pet passes away. My sister (36F) is currently living with our parents. Let me give you some background on her. In high school she wasnt diagnosed yet. She had a hard time with friends and schoolmates. Our parents didnt know what we know now, but they tried the bast they could. Even though she had a hard time, she was still fun, got good grades, amd was outgoing when she was out. But when she got home, she was a different person. Just mean to me and absolutely hated my mom. Again, we didnt know back then. She made it through high school amd went to college. She did fine at first but after a year, she tried to kill herself. She went to a psych ward and was released later where she went back to school for a bit but eventually left. She got a job and was on and off going back to college for years. It took her about 10 years overall to get her degree. She never used it and juat remained in her field of work. She would work at one place for a year or two, always getting in trouble for calling in, getting fired, then going to the next place and repeating. This cycle ended when she got married and divorced in a year and moved back in with our parents. Then one of her pets died. Now this was her real emotional support. Almost like it was her soul partner. After that she went off. But after a few months she eventually went to work again but at minimum wage jobs and part-time only. Now about a year and a half ago she just quit everything. She gave up on work, on family, on life. She is a shut in that hasnt had a job in a long time and living in her childhood room not showering, not talking to anyone, not making an effort at anything. My parents have financially floated her this entire time and because of that mixed with a recent life changing event, they are 100% out of money. There is no way for them to fix their situation, they are claiming bankruptcy. Now i know my sister feels guilty about that, she cant look anyone in the eye anymore and is too embarrassed to even be seen going into the kitchen to get food (she will get mad if people look at her and eat behind a door before going back to her room). Now my mom confided in me and told me that she truely believes that when my sisters last pet passes away, my sister will either kill herself or jump in her beater car and drive off never to be seen again.

Now a little about myself, if it matters. I (31M) may not have BPD but im not completely unaware of what mental illness is like. I have severe anxiety, the kind that makes scared me want to hide when it rains or i hear really loud planes. Ive even gone to the hospital when i had a panic attack so bad i thought I was having a heart attack. I also have ocd and constantly pop my ear to the point where it gives me migranes everyday. But ive been able to get some help with my issues and through willpower, self reflection, becoming religious, and changing how I live. Now when i was a child, i was the main punching bag whenever my sister spiraled, that created a huge problem in our relationship that, and i feel so guilty about this knowing about her bpd now, still affects it today. But even though i still keep my distance from her, i truly love my sister. When she feels pain, i really feel bad for her and want to help. I do remember good times and i think about them fondly and know my sister is a good person at heart. But just for my sake, i try to keep away. Seeing how cruel she acts to my parents even though they gave her everything they had just makes me mad. And the fact that every time in at my parents house, she asks for money. I always bite my lip and walk away, as i found that just walking away is the best option for me. When we have fought, it gets ugly. Now my sister is embarrassed and jealous ive done more things in my life than she has. I was able to join the military where she wasnt because of medical issues. I was able to understand money and could save where she went so far into debt. I was able to live in foreign countries on work visas and travel the world. My partner and I have a stong relationship when she cant keep a boyfriend. And ive been able to buy a house and cars on my own where she was given her car by our parents. I know she holds that grudge against me and i believe that makes her feel guilty that she does.

Now on to the point where i need advice. I have been able to understand my sister more than most and for whatever reason, i can talk to her on a deeper level than my parents can. I have been able to talk her down from some pretty bad episodes. The once said she looks up to me. Now, as ive said, since ive gotten older, ive felt ive had to pull back from her to protect myself. I feel guilty for this and somewhat believe thats one of the reasons she has gotten so much worse these past couple years. But i want to talk to her and try to help her from killing herself when her pet dies. I really want whats best for her. I dont know how i would be able to cope with her doing that. I just dont know how to talk to her anymore. Whenever someone says the slightest thing thats critical of her she either runs and hides away in her room or she gets so angry and mean then hides in her room. I know the second i say anything, she will shut down and nothing i say will be able to be heard. So guys, please, if you know some way to talk to her or at least get my intentions across to her, let me know. I really appreciate it. Thank you in advance for any thoughts you have.

Is it possible to actually hold down a job with BPD? My main issue isn’t dealing with people or coworkers. I just constantly feel incapable or stupid, and I struggle to finish the tasks I’m given. A lot of the time, I feel like I just can’t keep up with what’s expected of me.

I’m not sure if this is a splitting scenario though. I’m in a wlw relationship. Basically my gf has been sick for over a week. I stay with her majority of the time but not everyday. Some days I go back to my parents home for certain things. I had 1-2 days where I wasn’t around this week and during the day I’ll be at work while she is resting at home (super bad flu). During this time, she would say she miss me yada yada etc and I do everything in my power to take care of her. I would pour a glass of water to put beside her bed before I leave work every morning, throw our dinner /lunch trash away, buy healthy dinner for her and eat them together with her, clean for her so on.

Today, she got slightly better but is still sick. She tend to be completely shirtless while in her room and she wanted me to do the same today. I didn’t want to because I was busy, the window is wide open (uncomfortable for me but fine for her). I didn’t do it and in between everything was fine because she was gaming and we were also watching netflix on the side while I was doing work. After about an hour, she started to bring it up again and asked why is my shirt still on, which I was like because I’m busy and the window is wide open. She threw petty unserious tantrum at first which eventually became a full on blow out, and she is now giving me the silent treatment. She said I don’t love her and always doesn’t do what she says. I got pissed after a while and retaliated by saying I don’t understand what she want from me because one small unserious issue could erased everything that I have done for her for the past week like I’m a useless partner. I said if there is anything I did as a partner that is not up to her expectations or comfort, then I don’t know what to do. In which she kept quiet but is still pissed and in silent treatment over.

I’m cool with it because I have been putting such things up for a while and got used to them, usually it will blow over in an hour or 2. If she wants to break up go ahead. But I’m just curious, does anyone partners do such things? Is this considered as splitting lol

Long story short; After 3,5 years of best friendship, my best friend suddenly messaged me that he’s ending the friendship with barely any context other than that it’s because I have a hard time being on time, that I respond to messages late, that I sometimes cancel our calls and that I’m very low energy during our hangouts lately. He said that it made him feel deeply hurt and disrespected. He doesn’t want to talk it out, he doesn’t want to hear me out, he told me that he didn’t want to give more context cause “I was there when it happened and I need to reflect on it myself” and is now avoiding me like the plague to the point of pushing me out of a certain mutual social group that we have. On my end it feels like he’s outright treating me like I’m evil and did something fucked up to him, and people who don’t know me that well who see him treating me this way will probably think the same of me. Especially if they’ve never seen him do this to another person ever. As a person with a DEEP trauma of abandonment, this is messing me up SEVERELY as it is all my deepest nightmares come true and I don’t know what to do. It’s been about 3 months and my heart is still deeply broken with no signs of healing from this at all.

I found out about splitting a couple days ago and learning about it has made me feel slightly more at ease and made me feel less insane that I might ACTUALLY be secretly evil and fucked up without me knowing. It also made me empathize with him a lot more after being EXTREMELY devastated and very angry at him for treating me this way. I’m not sure if he has been diagnosed with BPD or actually has it, but the splitting is definitely something he has dealt with in the past in hindsight. Any advice on how to deal with this? Do I try to talk it out with him again? (It’s been about 3 months at this point). Do I confront him about pushing me out of social groups? Do I let it go (to a degree)?

For extra context if needed: both of us have been diagnosed with autism and ADHD, and both of us have some heavy trauma. For the past year I have been going through a deep depression and autistic burnout. Hence the “low energy” on my end, cancellation due to overstimulation and fatigue, being late due to dissociation, etc. He knows about this, as I have explained it to him many times during my apologies.

(That last extra context is extra painful, as it genuinely made me feel like he’s punishing me for something that’s already punishing enough which I have no control over… )

I’m curious how many people with BPD found out at any earlier age vs later in life, and how long some people went rejecting the idea of it. Were you influenced by other people or your subconscious?

24F Diagnosed around 3yrs ago

A little about me/what I’ve been going through: (Hoping to reach some folks w similar experiences)

-attempting my best to build financial responsibility and mental stability after several years of bad decision making
-recently got out of a harmful on + off relationship that had been occurring for 2yrs (still have a lot of trouble navigating my thoughts/feelings ab it)
-have a lot of weird family dynamics but continue to support my family bc there’s no one else to. also I love my siblings
-find exercise + being outside to be some of the only things that soothe my nervous system
-also love reading + listening to music but sometimes I feel too mentally ill to properly enjoy it
-been cutting down on substance use slowly but still struggle a bit w/ my relationship with weed
-have a few friends I see from time to time but I have lost most of my close friendships because I wasn’t capable of maintaining them

Please let me know if you resonate with any of this, it would be nice to know others that understand how difficult it can be to pull yourself out of a deep dark pit.

I'm 37 and I feel like I still haven't found my people and only broken people like me will truly understand me and won't judge. I'm so tired of looking for such friends. Idk what this loneliness and brokenness is about. Would like to hear if anyone has experienced this

If left untreated does it get worse with age? Does it get worse with alcohol? Can i justify cutting someone out of my life because of their bpd rage? How the heck do i not feel like a horrible person after everything that i just got accused of?

Hello, everyone. I really need some advice because I feel confused and hurt, and I don't know how to handle this situation anymore.

How our friendship started

I have this friend (let's call her A). She was nice at first, but as our friendship grew closer, she started doing some strange things.

One day, another friend asked me about something that I had never told anyone except A. Naturally, I confronted A about it. Her response was something along the lines of, "Oh, she told me I would k!ll her," and she apologized. I forgave her after some time because I wanted to move on.

However, about four months later, something similar happened again, but this time it was worse.

The rumors she spread about me

A started making up completely false stories about me. For example, she claimed that I was "double-minded" (meaning someone who finds sexual meanings in ordinary things). The funny thing is that this is the complete opposite of how I actually am. In fact, A is more into that kind of stuff herself, so sometimes I wonder if she was projecting her own feelings onto me.

I was really upset, so I confronted her about it. At first, she didn't take responsibility for what she'd done or seem to understand why I was hurt.

After a few days of silence, she finally apologized. By that point, though, I no longer wanted to continue the friendship, so I started avoiding her.

But she turned herself into the victim

Later, another friend called me and told me that A had talked to her about what happened. Apparently, A was crying and saying that she was really traumatized because I wasn't talking to her anymore.

That honestly hurt me even more. It felt like she was so focused on how my reaction affected her that she completely overlooked the damage her rumors had caused me.

I felt like she was playing the victim instead of acknowledging what she'd done to me.

Eventually, I tried to patch things up with her. With time, things got better, and I even forgot about what had happened.

And now, it's happening again.

A few days ago, we were chatting as usual. Everything seemed fine. We were laughing and having a good time, and I had no reason to believe anything was wrong.

Then, suddenly, she messaged me saying that she didn't want to talk to me anymore.

I asked her what had happened, but she didn't reply.

For context, I have an anxious attachment style and fear of aboundment, so situations like this really mess with my head. I started overthinking everything and even contacted another friend to ask if she'd spoken to A. She said she hadn't.

After some time, A finally replied to me. However, she still wouldn't give me a clear explanation. At first, she said it was because of some personal issues and issues involving other friends. Eventually, she said it was because of her personal problems and because of me.

And that's where I'm completely confused. I genuinely don't understand what I've done to hurt her. As far as I know, I haven't done anything to her, and she hasn't explained what the problem is.

Why this hurts so much

I feel confused, betrayed, and hurt because I keep remembering all the things I've done for her.

I remember the times I comforted her when she was upset, even when I had my own work to do. I used to bring her gifts, even though she never really did the same for me. I respected her privacy and never shared her secrets with anyone.

I'm not saying I did these things expecting something in return, but it hurts to feel like I put so much care into this friendship while repeatedly ending up feeling hurt and confused.

What's even more frustrating is that she sometimes says things like, "I hurt you before, and now I don't want to hurt you again," but somehow, she still ends up hurting me.

She also goes silent without explaining what's wrong, leaving me to overthink everything. I don't know whether she's genuinely struggling with her personal issues, whether I've unknowingly done something wrong, or whether this has become an unhealthy pattern between us.

I know I probably need to let go, but how?

A part of me knows that I should probably walk away from this friendship, especially after everything that's happened. But because of my anxious attachment and fear of aboundment, it's incredibly difficult for me to deal with someone suddenly withdrawing from me without giving me a clear explanation.

I keep wanting answers, and I find myself thinking about everything over and over again. Even when I remember how much she's hurt me, I still struggle to detach myself emotionally.

So, for those of you who have dealt with similar friendships or have an anxious attachment style, how did you learn to let go of someone who repeatedly hurt you?

How do you stop overthinking when someone gives you the silent treatment? And how do you accept that you might never get a proper explanation or closure from them?

I'd really appreciate any advice on how to handle this situation and move on without constantly feeling anxious or guilty.

Please don't DM me. I'd prefer to receive advice in the comments.

Whenever I’m dating someone, it’s nice and all, but I am so on edge just waiting for things to fall apart. I’m some ways the uncertainty and anticipation is almost worse then the break up itself because that I know is coming for certain.

In the breaking up phase with this girl I’ve been dating for a month (I’m also a girl.) She was really cool, and I liked her a lot, but I’ve split now anyway so I’m pretty detached from the situation (probably still gonna feel like shit at some point but oh well, cross that bridge when it comes). All I feel now is a relief, so I don’t have the keep stressing about when this was going to happen

my bf went really out of line today and i have to break up with him. he still resents past me where i was undiagnosed with bpd and i was extremely hurtful to him. he has every right to feel what he feels. but he’s been using the resentment to hurt me. he’s always irritated, annoyed, lashes out, avoids, etc at me. and i am so heart broken. we have been together for almost 3 years and he’s the first person to ever show me true love until recently. we were getting better as a couple after i got diagnosed and went into treatment but suddenly the resentment came right back 2 months ago and he’s just been getting worse. i don’t want to break up with him. i love him so so much. but i can’t handle it anymore. we talk tmr and i feel so heartbroken. i think about all our memories and he was my everything. everything reminds me of him. our cats and dogs, my clothes, our apartment, my necklace, my car, etc. we went through so much together and i am so sad i will probably not see him anymore and going from waking up with them everyday to nothing hurts so much. i have to move back to my parents and i just can’t. i’m in so much pain.

I’ve realized the reason why I’m so fucked up is not because people hurt me, I’m just sensitive and dramatic. The real reason is that I just probably shouldn’t be here, I make everyone’s life harder, I ruin everything for people and everyone would be better off without me. I just fuck up left and right and drag down everyone with me.. can be in someone’s life and completely devote myself to making their life happy as a person with feelings myself? Or is the only option to off? I just can’t make the people around me happy and I put all the burden of my feelings on people, feelings that aren’t valid why would I feel hurt when I’m actually worthless and a burden and why would I bother the people I love so dearly with that burden and make their life harder? I’m just a horrible person who hurts everyone and I’m useless for anything.

I want to start with this problem has been resolved so it’s all okay, I would love some advice on how to deal with moments like this.

So I accidentally had a giant split on one of my friends and said some really awfuk things abour our friend group. This has literally never happened before but I just can’t believe some of the horrid things I said, it’s like I completely blacked out and couldn’t stop. I just want to know if this is a universal BPD thing, I really am having a hard time not having these moments blow up in my face later.

I feel like a terrible human, I genuinely don’t remember what was said- just that it was bad. I just feel bad.

Do any of you have the "fear of abandonment" manifest as grief, fear of death, fear of the void, and/or an impending feeling of inevitable loneliness?

If so, is there a way to cope which has helped you?

my bpd has resulted in a lot of bad things this year; a lot of hurt relationships, ones that meant a lot to me, a lot of poor decisions, and has left me in a pit not knowing how to make my way out.

i'm scared that my actions then and the consequences i continue having to pay afterwards are going to stick to me forever, and that i'll never be able to change and will just be left in the dust. i'm paranoid that my friends are replacing me due to this, or that i can't land a job to find my footing.

is it even possible to grow and change with this condition that feels like it's ruined my life?

Living with BPD feels like being trapped inside a burning house while everyone outside keeps telling you the fire isn’t real because they can’t see the smoke.

You wake up exhausted from fighting a war in your own head before the day even starts. You hate yourself, your life, your existence — not because something terrible happened that day, but because your mind convinces you there is something fundamentally wrong with you that you can never fix. And the worst part is trying to explain that feeling when there are no words strong enough to make people understand it.

You crave love. You crave reassurance. You want so badly to feel appreciated, wanted, important to somebody. But at the same time, being around the people you love feels unbearable. Every interaction feels too loud, too heavy, too complicated. You pull away from the very people you’re begging to stay. You isolate yourself and then cry because nobody noticed you disappeared.

It’s like drowning in front of people who think you’re just bad at swimming.

And after a while, you stop explaining. Because how many times can you tell people you’re not okay before you realize they either don’t understand… or don’t know what to do anymore? So you sit there silently falling apart, wondering if your pain has become invisible. Wondering if you’ve become invisible.

BPD makes you mourn yourself while you’re still alive.

It makes you feel too much and absolutely nothing at the same time. It convinces you that you are unlovable while desperately needing someone to prove otherwise. It makes every abandonment feel fatal, every silence feel personal, every mistake feel unforgivable.

And some days, the hardest part isn’t even the sadness.

It’s realizing you can scream for help in a room full of people and still feel completely alone.