Hi everyone!

I have borderline personality disorder (BPD) and complex PTSD (C-PTSD), and I was wondering if anyone here experiences something similar.

I’ve noticed a rather strange pattern in myself: whenever I start feeling happy, feeling good, or experiencing a positive moment, I can suddenly be hit by an extremely intense feeling of anxiety.

My mood can then shift very quickly, going from happiness to intense anxiety, sometimes quite abruptly.

I’ve been wondering what might be causing this. Could it be related to the emotional dysregulation associated with BPD? Or could it be more about a fear of being happy, because deep down I know that the feeling probably won’t last, or because I’m afraid something will come along and ruin the moment?

I feel like simply feeling good can trigger anxiety in itself, as if I’m unable to fully enjoy positive emotions without them being followed by a sense of distress. I even start experiencing tingling sensations throughout my body, feel like I can’t catch my breath, and become really nervous.

Does anyone else experience the same thing? If so, what does it feel like for you? Have you managed to understand what triggers these reactions? Have you found anything that helps?

I’d really appreciate hearing about your personal experiences and stories.

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to reply!

Hope you all have a great day! 🙂

Feel like theres 2 people in me

I have a very logical and coherent side that can see my flaws and take responsibility for things and can recognise everything in a very mindful way. But I cant keep that up. As soon as something hurts me (even the tiniest thing) like a random stranger being ever so slightly rude, i completely flip to the other side, I become a mess, I fall apart. I turn into an immature, vindictive, rude and overemotional monster. I genuinely have no way of switching from that person though, I have to just ride it out and it can last anything from 10 minutes to a month. I obsess over the tiniest things and never let things go.

If anyone can relate or has any tips please let me know 🙏

Do you consider having a romantic fp love ? Having a FP can be so intense that it feels almost reductive not to call it love even though I’ve often read and heard that they’re not exactly the same thing. If not then can people with BPD (esp untreated) ever love healthily ?

hi, i was just wondering if anyone had any hobby ideas? i kind of realised i really struggle with having hobbies and doing things in my free time that isn’t just me being on my phone. i think also it will be really good for me to regulate

I’m trying to work my way up in the company at my job & everything is going well. My job is 100% the most important thing to me, it’s all I have right now.

I’m struggling so hard sometimes to hide my emotions, usually I can just shut it down & just be silent until I get over it but even then in my opinion that’s not good. My main issue is definitely rage, I can get overstimulated, frustrated, & just about flip out. Today I basically did unintentionally in front of a customer & a coworker. All they saw was me visibly mad and storming off. Which is usually best case scenario is just to walk away but even then.

I do take meds one being a mood stabilizer which of course it’s just supposed to help, not treat. & it does help but only to a certain extent of course. I’m just trying to figure out the best way to manage this in a professional setting at work.

How do you guys cope with that chronic emptiness?

(Not my first language)

I think this is one of the most annoying symptoms to me. I learned to deal with a lot, but this piece of hell has been bothering me as long as I can remember. Now that it got worse it got me thinking, how do others survive? I’ve done a lot of things over the years as coping mechanisms but none of it can feed my curiosity about the wider perspective of the collective experience.

Thank you for any input, can’t let it out of my mind 😵‍💫

i know it was for the best, but it still hurts. i wait for the ache to pass, but it still hurts. we fit so well, i want to die. i think if we interlocked our fingers we would merge into one, and that makes me feel disgustingly euphoric. he’s so kind and understanding and patient and gentle with me and i despise him for that.

how can you tell the difference between self sabotage and a reasonable reaction to genuine disrespect.

keep getting told im “thinking to much into it” and starting to second guess whether or not its actually that big of a deal or if its just stupid aah bpd brain

idk if this sounds crazy or not (everything abt my head is crazy so) but ive been dissociating so bad or idk zoning out but still doing life. like wake up sort of ill be at school. when my last memory was being in bed. its honestly scary. ive had this for a long time but it got worse recently and is longer

i want them here i want them here with me all the time i cant bear the thought of them being without me i dont want to wait days for a response before they leave again they were here earlier and im not worth anything without them i just want to feel again i just want to be happy again

without them i am worthless and i am nothing.

Hello everyone. I needed advice and perspective on the following and appreciate any thoughts you have.

My sister has BPD, but also I think she sometimes just also isn’t a thoughtful person. I think both can be true.
For over a decade, I’ve tried very hard to keep our friendship alive and take ownership when I make mistakes or become defensive. Basically, I try to keep her diagnosis in the back of my mind if we argue. In general though, we’ve never been extremely close. We don’t hang out a lot, but see each for holidays or the occasional family dinner out. It is eggshells and constant jokes at my dispense, but there are many times we still have a great time together.

Context on not inviting her:
She has been interested in my wedding, so I of course invited her to my wedding dress shopping. It isn’t very common for her to be excited for something going on in my life; she doesn’t really ask much. Ive already been anxious about it be wedding bc I’ve been with my fiancé for 6 years and she hasn’t met his family yet and never has visited us in our city since moving 3 years ago. For content we live 3 hours away.
Also, the day I mentioned our wedding date she said “I need 2 plus ones”. Again no congrats or anything really…
Anyway -
We all hung out as a family the night before dress shopping and played games. I live out of town, and she also decided to spend the night at my parents before my mom and bridesmaids went out the next morning. We were going to share the guest bedroom. She asked if I snore and I said no, do you? She said yes. We were high and had been cracking jokes all night and I made a joke like noooooo, damn bishhhh that’s crazy. But never got actually mad or upset about her snoring. I upset her and she decided to sleep on the couch. I apologized and explained I was only messing with her, like she does with me, but she wasn’t budging. The next morning she says, I’m not going shopping with you and leaves. It broke my heart, but I also wasn’t too surprised as she can tend to cancel. She never followed up about how it went, or what the dress looked like etc. No congrats.

I gave myself a couple of days to let the anger melt and more shared my sadness and frustration. I expressed that I apologized and I’m sorry if I upset her, but feel a lot of times she doesn’t meet me halfway when we argue. I said it makes me nervous and I hope we can discuss this. She never responded.

Fast forward, and we haven’t been talking now for two months. Previously before the wedding, she bought us a ticket to see a childhood band we like, carbon leaf as a birthday present. We both agreed we will be cordial and go. Friday, I was peppy the whole night, asked for a hug, tried to have good conversation. It went okay, but again she didn’t bring anything up or try to share her side. Didn’t ask me about the wedding, or my life, etc. but I asked about hers and she shared. I felt again let down. I didn’t even need a sorry, but just some clearing of the air on her end.

I’m just exhausted and feel like this dynamic will be on my mind the whole wedding day. I feel my parents will more be concerned about her and how she feels at the wedding (she got divorced from a 1 year abusive marriage couple months ago) and I just want this one day to be ….focused on me. I feel selfish but I always feel like I’m having to stifle my emotions and personality around her and what she wants.

Thoughts and thanks for reading.

I literally ask myself who are you? what do you like? what do you want? and i come up with pretty much nothing. i’m confused, I don’t have hobbies, I have no interests. when i’m not working i lay in bed spending majority of my days talking to myself, replaying my past, daydreaming about a better life. i’m so insecure and scared of everything/everyone that even when i try and make an effort to figure myself out it’s like my body rejects it, i spiral about all the what ifs, and talk myself down. it’s like im not enough and not worth all this effort and change, so I just end up staying in this pit. I’ve always wanted to live for someone or something, but i have no one, and i don’t care to live for myself much.

I always wonder why im so behind in life compared to people my age, they all seem secure in themselves but me, ive never really had anything motivated me to keep going other than the thought of death. It used to be i wont be here long so i don’t need to go as hard.. I just don’t know what to do. I tell myself i need to figure this out before i’m so far gone there’s no saving me but i cannot take that step. i go back to hiding, isolating, daydreaming instead of truly living and working towards something.

Why am i so scared?, like the idea of finding myself, a purpose all scares me so much. the only thing i can think of is im scared of being judged i feel like at my age (im 25) there’s just so much i have never experienced that should be expected and i feel like there’s no point. it all feels too late.

I keep crashing out about him and my emotions are all over the place. I've had panic attacks and i've cried a lot on and off and it can be 20 minutes or few hours and i feel so shitty and worthless.. I get these spikes of just bawling my eyes out and wanting to destroy everything and then i just feel almost numb and empty when it passes. At the same time i'm so sad but also so angry and yet i also want him to come back but at the same time i want to rage at him for how shitty he was to me. But what scared me the most and still does is that he disappears from my life completely.. at some point i was or have been unsure myself if i even liked him that way or what did i want from him or if i was and am just so intensely attached to him that i cannot let go because of that. That he was a source of good even though of bad too that losing the good bits here and there and the connection is way worse than being treated badly. But i don't know how to get over this and let him go even if he treated me rather badly... And from past experiences of being attached to people it has taken me months or even years to get over them and that also only once i found another person to attach to..

People around me think of this as just good riddance and how can i miss or want someone like him back when in their eyes he was so toxic and bad for me. But to me this feels horrible regardless.. and i know i'd go straight back to him if he just said the word and i almost hope for it because losing him scares me so much and i feel so lost.. And i feel guilty because apparently an episode i had about three months ago was what caused his feelings to start going downhill but he just never talked about it up until now. So i just feel i ruined everything and caused this that i'm just not someone who can be loved because i'm both too much and too little at the same time and i just end up ruining everything always even though i try so hard to accomodate and hide my outbursts and negative feelings... I just don't know how to move on from all of this.

We’re both women in our 20s and we’re sort of medium distance as we live in different cities and she’s around an hour and a half to 2 hour journey away for me and I’m about an hour from her (she drives, I have to get public transport). She has a pretty big graduate job and so is quite locked in for most of the week. Occasionally I’ll go and see her on a week night but usually we’ll see each other one night a week on Friday or Saturday and spend most of Saturday together.

Don’t get me wrong, I really love this and it’s always the highlight of my week and something lovely to look forward to every weekend, but it sucks so much when it comes to an end. It genuinely feels like she’s barely here before she has to go again, time goes sooo fast and then it’s another 6 nights without her :(

Today before she left I had like 3 dreams in a row while we were sleeping about her leaving and it was so nice to wake up and she was still there cuddling me, but not long after she actually had to leave and whenever she has to leave early I’m just upset and lonely all day.

Before anyone tells me I’m codependent or this is unhealthy or whatever, I’m really not. I live alone and am very good at spending time alone and I usually see my friends a couple of times a week which means I have plans for around half the week a lot of weeks. I just really miss my girlfriend and my favourite times atm are when I’m with her, and it just feels sooo fleeting and I can’t fully enjoy it when we’re together because I’m so aware that before I know it she’ll be gone for the week again.

I’m also having a bit of a tough time with my anxiety and OCD at the moment so it really sucks having to think ah back to reality and dealing with that for another week. She’s just so awesome and I love spending time with her and I know it won’t always be so fleeting but right now it just sucks and idk I feel like I need to learn to cope with it better because I just end up zoning out all week atm.

So ive been thinking lately that the hardest part of my bpd to live with is probably this emptiness, which i would more precisely phrase in my own case as not lack of emotions, but such an extreme roller coaster of ones that i just crumble so many times.

A cute allegory in my case would be the INSIDE OUT movie. In that the avg human has different characters assigned for each emotion, acting as independent drivers of someones responses and actions.

This is how this looks likes for me: In my head theres one single little thing from the movie haha, but they have multiple heads for each emotion, alltalking at the same time. Or another perfect example would be if this little guy in my head was, again, alone. But theyre a shape shifter. Never to know or predict which one they will become.

Anyone else can relate to this picture im trying to paint?

Ps.: I think this is why most times i never really realize my situation turning for the worst because I cant locate my feelings properly. I also cry so rarely, i just feel like a robot because of this so many times. Im so overwhelmed due to this exreme energy i need to regulate my nervous system, that i barely have any left for real emotions i wanna project towards my friends that i love.

Its a roller coaster as always, but when im more down its hard to remember the days when i feel like im in heaven.

Xoxo

People who don’t know me think I’m a social butterfly, but being around people genuinely drains me because every little thing sets me off. Let’s say I spend 2 hours with some friends/family. I can totally act normal during the time. I actually even lead conversations most of the time. Everyone is convinced I had a good time.
Then I go home. I immediately start listing the things that they said that triggered me in my head. And rewind them over and over.
I REMEMBER everything. Those people who said those things, they’re now dead to me.
I now hate everything about them, they’re toxic pos, and I’m better off without them.
I feel the safest by myself anyway.

But I can’t detach myself so easily when it comes to romantic relationships. I can’t help but try to hold on to them, try to make them stay, try to make myself the most attractive person in their eyes.
It is so so draining and anxiety-inducing to do all that though. Because I know more than anyone that people still betray you, lie to you, cheat on you, no matter what, if they want to.

So I think to myself, “With my mood swings and everything, I’m objectively pretty exhausting to be around—that gives them a good reason/excuse to leave me or cheat on me by seeking something easier or more comforting in other women. So why should I even try in the first place? Why should I stay in a relationship while constantly worrying about them betraying me?”

I try to make things work because I can’t just stop loving someone, but the emotional exhaustion that comes with it, I don’t know. I find myself questioning if I should just be single for the sake of my mental health even though love is all I’ve ever wanted.
If any of you manage to be in a long term relationship, how do you do that?

Was wondering if anyone has tried one before, or thinks they're worth a shot? My psychiatrist works at/is affiliated with a large psychiatric research hospital. I plan to bring it up to him during my next appointment this Tuesday, but wanted some opinions from people who tried them or know others who have alongside it

Technically I'm not formally diagnosed BPD. The NP who does my K infusions gave me the screener, and told me the diagnosis itself won't really change what I need to do. My psychiatrist does know, and also knows I don't want to pursue anything official unless there is a specific reason such as qualifying for a treatment. Same situation with PTSD, although I've been planning on asking for the official evaluation for a long time now.

Along with MDD/TRD (which is on my chart), the trial and error process of medication has been such a drain on me in every way possible. I just wanna explore as many options as I can. Thoughts?

So for me, this process starts with the typical outcome of bpd being where my emotions would spiral if not managed. Whether it be through excitement, anger, frustration etc, the emotions will spiral if not managed well.

Secondly, the people around me, would see me spiraling, or it would just be clear that I need to take a moment. Unfortunately, I fear this has been the case for a long time for me but, I never knew or even understood due the strict boundaries of my past life.

And now thirdly, once I eventually realize that I’ve been spiraling I’d suddenly calm down, almost as if I’m desperate for someone to just hide me. Keeping in mind, I feel this third piece is where I’m currently at in life. Given this, I just want to clarify that this is the good part. So I’ve realized that I’ve been spiraling and that I do it a lot. As a result, I try to calm myself to help regulate my emotions but, I don’t want to turn myself into a complete bore. The people around start to notice that I’ve gone from the person who has tons of energy and a real hugger, to the person who strangely calm and collected. They might invite me to hang back for a drink but, I don’t want my emotions to gain control especially not so easily, so instead I head out. Even if in that moment I feel all calm, going for drinks with them would be enough me feel anxious or even overly excited and I know it would show.

So overall, given this position my friends are now in, they sometimes see me as this quiet, together like person, maybe a little shy, even though it’s all simply just me regulating my emotions

i don’t know what to do, whenever i get into relationships i become too obsessed with the person like in such a unhealthy way and i constantly feel like they are gonna leave me. like i notice that in the beginning when ur getting to know each other its so fun constantly texting and such. but its like the other person gets comfortable and starts taking their time to reply and not put in effort in like they first used to do. and it makes me so angry bc i am always like that wether its the first day of meeting or into the 3rd year. and it triggers me SO MUCH and it takes so much not to go crazy on them just because of that. which makes me bottle it up and tent to do unhealthy habits

when im not in a relationship im not as constantly triggered yes but obviously i still struggle time to time. i feel lonely and idk. im looking for anyone is is the same? or have any advice to cope with this.

my moods swing to extremes so much to the point i was initially diagnosed as bipolar 1 with psychosis. when im happy/high i think im amazing and can take on the world, i start looking for jobs and wanting to take out loans etc. this lasts a few hours to a day then im down and back to self loathing, hating myself and dealing with this horrific empty void and wanting to end it all.

does anyone else feel the same ?

I split on someone really badly recently, acted like an absolute tool and someone I love is likely to distance themself from me. I know I need to own my actions and I'll respect whatever decision they make but also I'm drowning in guilt. I constantly feel sick. I keep trying to get treatment but specialist treatment on the NHS feels impossible to access. It feels like I've blown up my life and I'm really scared. But then that feels like I'm being manipulative and making it about myself. I'm obviously going to stop drinking since it was alcohol related. I want to be better, I want to feel like I can change. I don't want to be a ticking time bomb anymore. I honestly can't say if this is a rant or a call for advice but I need to know that I can do better than this.

It's disgusting to realise that I'm a piece of flesh made from my parents. I duplicate so many of their behaviours that I really wish had never become mine and I can't help it. I carry the components of their hostility in me, I'm viciously hostile and violent towards myself.

It's so disturbing to recognise that impulse as part of me.

Wish I didn't have to exist inside my body and skin, or carry a mind and temperament filthily contaminated by things I never consciously chose. It's frightening to see that I've come to reproduce in myself what I always deeply resented in them, I carry their patterns forward in a way I never wanted to. They aren't present around me anymore, but everything is so contaminated by the patterns embedded in me, I keep encountering traces of them in me. I see the exact reflections of those people in me, which makes me hate myself. I want to get out of my own skin.

These meltdowns and episodes are so difficult to get through sometimes. It’ll literally affect me until the next day. I can’t help but feel sad and ashamed, no matter how well I handle them. The biggest trigger lately, has been if my partner is upset at me in anyway and takes space. Everybody has the right to take space, and I respect it. But it’s so so so so so hard to deal with these overwhelming feelings alone. I feel like I regress to some childlike state, and I start crying while feeling intense fear and anxiety. Deep down, I know my partner isn’t leaving me, but the pain is so real and so intense either way. I literally feel like a scared child left alone in an unfamiliar place and nobody is going to come back for me. It’s so saddening to me. I’m trying to not feel so bad about it. How can I be kind to myself? How can I move on from these things without dwelling on it? How do I even help myself when I feel this way?

OK, so for context me and this girl she also has BPD and she and I have been speaking for around five years. I would consider her my best friend. She’s an online friend and we would speak on the phone every single day for minimum four hours every day for the past two years recently however she has been really distant and I asked her what’s going on and if she’s OK she said yeah she’ll explain later but the thing is is that she doesn’t message me for sometimes weeks on end she hasn’t called me in months and I told her that I was getting married in two weeks. She left me on scene for one week and didn’t say anything and when I asked her if she was OK, that’s when she said yeah she’ll explain later so that means she saw the message of me getting married twice and still didn’t say anything. I feel like we’re drifting apart and I don’t expect us to be like how we were before as in talking every single day for hours, however I want to be able to just talk to her and the thing that sucks is that I have been there for her through literally everything she went through a divorce with her ex-husband and it was a really really bad divorce. He was a genuinely horrible person, and that did numbers on her and her mental health her two close friends IRL friends dropped her and one of them spoke to the ex-husband for two hours, speaking badly about her mind you that friend was in the same room with her when her ex-husband was verbally abusing her on the phone. she has college and a really close family friend has died recently. I understand she’s going through a lot and I’ve been giving her a space for the past couple months as in I haven’t been texting her often or anything of that sort sometimes she’ll text me memes here and there and such but it sucks that I can’t seem to get a reach of her like how we were before or that I just don’t seem to matter to her. It doesn’t seem like she values our friendship like I do and I think the best thing for me to do is to be able to give her some space and if she comes back, then she comes back and if not, then she doesn’t. I know right now. I am probably just maybe splitting and I might be devaluing her but when that feeling comes back or I’m crying and wanting to text her so badly what should I do because I wanna give her space but I also don’t want to be sitting around forever waiting for someone who doesn’t care, what you guys suggest? sorry for the weird punctuation. I’m using speech to text.

Nothing much to say, but yesterday I planned to make a vent post here about how tired I am. I was crashing out, writing paragraph after paragraph, triggered by a close friend I thought was acting differently than usual. So I kept spiraling and crying for days straight, even though they were acting the same. I couldn't help but believe those voices in my head, so I kept crying helplessly and wanted to get some things off my chest here. It felt like my last day on earth.

As I was about to finish and press post, they contacted me, just a simple callout of my name. And then suddenly all of those voices disappeared from my head; I was suddenly “okay”. None of those horrible feelings mattered anymore. I know their presence numbed my pain for god knows how long, but it was funny; I felt like a hypocrite, doubting whether my feelings were ever true or valid.

And how quickly my mood can alter after receiving attention, it’s sad but I keep laughing at it.
I feel so safe around them, I love love love getting attention from this person, but I wish I were never pathetic like this lol, I wish I were never traumatized, I could have done something useful for my future instead of pausing my life when I don't get love and time.