I don’t know if this is a bpd issue or not so I apologize.
I was talking to my mom about problems that I experience. During talking I just felt so aware of how I sounded and felt so disgusted, and it got worse afterwards. It’s like I have a third person observer in my head that matches my perception of whoever I’m talking to. I imagine her perceiving me to be same way you’d perceive an 8 year old singing all girls are the same, I sound so damn stupid and pathetic and idk I can’t find the words. Everything from the way my repulsive ass nasally voice sounds to my speech pattern to what I’m saying. I just feel so fucking disgsuted with myself.
It’s not always like that, but very often I get that. It also extends out to just being around other people, when I’m in public every person I see enters my head as a third person observer and I can just hear all of their thoughts about me. That also means that it’s dependent upon the person I’m around and who I profile them to be.

How am I supposed to live my life if almost everyone triggers my black and white thinking and I end up not wanting to talk to or be around anybody but I also hate being alone. I can’t see the point in living either of those ways. Anyone else have similar experiences? Has anyone found a way to do something about that?

I hate people, i love people, i hate myself, im the best ever, i hate work, i love my job, i am the meanest person ever, im so sweet. Everyone hates me, everyone loves me , i want to kill myself, i love life, i hate how fat i am, im so skinny, i hate sex, i want someone to want me.

aaaaaaaa!

i am so tired of people telling me this! “think about being single the rest of your life. accept it. grieve that pain. then you’ll be free. it doesn’t mean you won’t find anyone!” WHY WOULD I TORTURE MYSELF LIKE THAT! i don’t want to be free from needing love, because i want to be loved!

“once you’re comfortable with yourself and okay on your own, THEN you’ll be ready to find someone.” why do i have to suffer like that! why do i have to be so fucking alone before i’m worth being loved!

i don’t want to cope with being single! i don’t want to be content being single! i don’t want to have to give up the only thing i’ve looked forward to in life and “grieve it”! i want to fall in love and get married like everyone else! i want to stop being alone! i don’t want to be content like this!

eta: does anyone else get this? or just frustrated by the love yourself rhetoric in general?

I am the father who is providing all aspects of treatment for my daughter for BPD, I did not listen to her most of her childhood due to my own mental illness, and she needed me so much. I regret that tremendously. Now that I am better, I am doing everything in my power to help her improve her conditions. Meds and therapy aren't helping much.

What makes me wonder is that she can talk to me for 5 hours straight only to me, not to mom, everyday, mostly about the same issues: friends, hobbies, movies, books and movies, family members. I am so happy that I get to know my daughter now that I can listen. She tells me many things from childhood when I could not listen to her. Although she is always tired due to lack of sleep and lack of food, it's incredible that she has the energy to constantly talk, non stop.

Could it be her way to make up for what she couldn't told me in childhood to make up for the attention she craved? Could it be a symptom of BPD? Could it be a way to avert from the void and emptiness she feels, as she is not working and no in school? I am baffled.

Hello, i have bpd and bad anxiety.

Weed has become a big part of my life. I have been addicted to it on and off for almost two years now.

I used to be addicted to pens. That didn’t help me at all i was high all the time and my tolerance was really bad at the end i couldn’t feel anything. I have stopped using pens for around a year. Now i only smoke. I was very addicted i would smoke everyday a couple times a day. I have been sober from weed for around 45 days when i decided i felt ready to try it again. I fell back into addiction because it helps me want to live it helps me want to do things and experience life. I was back in addiction for around a month or two. I started smoking once a week then once every couple days then once everyday until i smoked around 4 times a day. Now i am 7 days sober from weed. I do not feel happy about it i am proud of myself but i do not feel like this is the life for me. Weed helps me cope with my life. I am on a waiting list to have mental health support and i take antidepressants and antipsychotics. I also have ativan for when i get bad anxiety attacks but it’s too weak and doesn’t help. I feel like the only thing that helps me live and enjoy my life is weed. I have been struggling with mental health issues since i was a kid and when i found out how weed felt like i discovered that it helped me so much. My family, boyfriend and friends are worried about my addiction but i feel like i am just self medicating and making myself feel good and making myself enjoy life. Without weed i don’t like living i find everything bland and sad and i can’t cope with my emotions. I have bad episodes where i want to end it. Does anybody with bpd feel the same way with weed ? Does anybody have tips to control my usage with weed if i do start again?

Has anyone figured out why they latch onto the people that they do?

I’m trying to break the cycle of having FPs, and in order to do that, I gotta figure out what I’m getting from them. But it feels so random. I don’t know how to describe it, I just INSTANTLY feel an intense bond with some people, even before really getting to know them.

It’s not just because they show me love and care. I have multiple friends who do that, but the feeling is not the same at all. It doesn’t feel addictive like it does with an FP.

So I’ve been in a few relationships over the years ans have been transitioning for a few years and at every time I’ve lost my fp I’ve also sort of detransitioned and retransitioned a few months later.
Is this something you guys have any experience with ?
I’m really not trying to be political here.
Just speaking about my experience as a woman with BPD.
And if so can y’all gimme some advice please it will really help.

I'm really trying my best not to lose it. But he's disappeared again without a word even when I've already said a simple gesture of telling me why or where would be better for me and lessen my hurt... just a simple little text would mean the world to me just to know he's okay...I have promised myself not to do sh again but it's really hard when none of my usual resets are working. Rn the urge is so strong I dont think i have any otther options left. I just want the torture to stop. I don't understand why and how to live with these feelings. Sometimes i think about leaving just to let myself breathe and finally be free but that's impossible for me because leaving would feel like the end of the world. I would rather get hurt again and again rather than lose him completely but god I'm so fucking tired I can't take it anymore :(

I’ve been hungry for a sense of community lately, i want to talk with my fellow weird people. I feel so alone in my daily challenges, and i just want to feel understood.

So i’m thinking a group chat, discord maybe?

24F Diagnosed around 3yrs ago

A little about me/what I’ve been going through: (Hoping to reach some folks w similar experiences)

-attempting my best to build financial responsibility and mental stability after several years of bad decision making
-recently got out of a harmful on + off relationship that had been occurring for 2yrs (still have a lot of trouble navigating my thoughts/feelings ab it)
-have a lot of weird family dynamics but continue to support my family bc there’s no one else to. also I love my siblings
-find exercise + being outside to be some of the only things that soothe my nervous system
-also love reading + listening to music but sometimes I feel too mentally ill to properly enjoy it
-been cutting down on substance use slowly but still struggle a bit w/ my relationship with weed
-have a few friends I see from time to time but I have lost most of my close friendships because I wasn’t capable of maintaining them

Please let me know if you resonate with any of this, it would be nice to know others that understand how difficult it can be to pull yourself out of a deep dark pit.

Hello, to start with, i dont have BPD but my sister does. And im afraid she is going to hurt herself once her pet passes away. My sister (36F) is currently living with our parents. Let me give you some background on her. In high school she wasnt diagnosed yet. She had a hard time with friends and schoolmates. Our parents didnt know what we know now, but they tried the bast they could. Even though she had a hard time, she was still fun, got good grades, amd was outgoing when she was out. But when she got home, she was a different person. Just mean to me and absolutely hated my mom. Again, we didnt know back then. She made it through high school amd went to college. She did fine at first but after a year, she tried to kill herself. She went to a psych ward and was released later where she went back to school for a bit but eventually left. She got a job and was on and off going back to college for years. It took her about 10 years overall to get her degree. She never used it and juat remained in her field of work. She would work at one place for a year or two, always getting in trouble for calling in, getting fired, then going to the next place and repeating. This cycle ended when she got married and divorced in a year and moved back in with our parents. Then one of her pets died. Now this was her real emotional support. Almost like it was her soul partner. After that she went off. But after a few months she eventually went to work again but at minimum wage jobs and part-time only. Now about a year and a half ago she just quit everything. She gave up on work, on family, on life. She is a shut in that hasnt had a job in a long time and living in her childhood room not showering, not talking to anyone, not making an effort at anything. My parents have financially floated her this entire time and because of that mixed with a recent life changing event, they are 100% out of money. There is no way for them to fix their situation, they are claiming bankruptcy. Now i know my sister feels guilty about that, she cant look anyone in the eye anymore and is too embarrassed to even be seen going into the kitchen to get food (she will get mad if people look at her and eat behind a door before going back to her room). Now my mom confided in me and told me that she truely believes that when my sisters last pet passes away, my sister will either kill herself or jump in her beater car and drive off never to be seen again.

Now a little about myself, if it matters. I (31M) may not have BPD but im not completely unaware of what mental illness is like. I have severe anxiety, the kind that makes scared me want to hide when it rains or i hear really loud planes. Ive even gone to the hospital when i had a panic attack so bad i thought I was having a heart attack. I also have ocd and constantly pop my ear to the point where it gives me migranes everyday. But ive been able to get some help with my issues and through willpower, self reflection, becoming religious, and changing how I live. Now when i was a child, i was the main punching bag whenever my sister spiraled, that created a huge problem in our relationship that, and i feel so guilty about this knowing about her bpd now, still affects it today. But even though i still keep my distance from her, i truly love my sister. When she feels pain, i really feel bad for her and want to help. I do remember good times and i think about them fondly and know my sister is a good person at heart. But just for my sake, i try to keep away. Seeing how cruel she acts to my parents even though they gave her everything they had just makes me mad. And the fact that every time in at my parents house, she asks for money. I always bite my lip and walk away, as i found that just walking away is the best option for me. When we have fought, it gets ugly. Now my sister is embarrassed and jealous ive done more things in my life than she has. I was able to join the military where she wasnt because of medical issues. I was able to understand money and could save where she went so far into debt. I was able to live in foreign countries on work visas and travel the world. My partner and I have a stong relationship when she cant keep a boyfriend. And ive been able to buy a house and cars on my own where she was given her car by our parents. I know she holds that grudge against me and i believe that makes her feel guilty that she does.

Now on to the point where i need advice. I have been able to understand my sister more than most and for whatever reason, i can talk to her on a deeper level than my parents can. I have been able to talk her down from some pretty bad episodes. The once said she looks up to me. Now, as ive said, since ive gotten older, ive felt ive had to pull back from her to protect myself. I feel guilty for this and somewhat believe thats one of the reasons she has gotten so much worse these past couple years. But i want to talk to her and try to help her from killing herself when her pet dies. I really want whats best for her. I dont know how i would be able to cope with her doing that. I just dont know how to talk to her anymore. Whenever someone says the slightest thing thats critical of her she either runs and hides away in her room or she gets so angry and mean then hides in her room. I know the second i say anything, she will shut down and nothing i say will be able to be heard. So guys, please, if you know some way to talk to her or at least get my intentions across to her, let me know. I really appreciate it. Thank you in advance for any thoughts you have.

Is it possible to actually hold down a job with BPD? My main issue isn’t dealing with people or coworkers. I just constantly feel incapable or stupid, and I struggle to finish the tasks I’m given. A lot of the time, I feel like I just can’t keep up with what’s expected of me.

If left untreated does it get worse with age? Does it get worse with alcohol? Can i justify cutting someone out of my life because of their bpd rage? How the heck do i not feel like a horrible person after everything that i just got accused of?

Living with BPD feels like being trapped inside a burning house while everyone outside keeps telling you the fire isn’t real because they can’t see the smoke.

You wake up exhausted from fighting a war in your own head before the day even starts. You hate yourself, your life, your existence — not because something terrible happened that day, but because your mind convinces you there is something fundamentally wrong with you that you can never fix. And the worst part is trying to explain that feeling when there are no words strong enough to make people understand it.

You crave love. You crave reassurance. You want so badly to feel appreciated, wanted, important to somebody. But at the same time, being around the people you love feels unbearable. Every interaction feels too loud, too heavy, too complicated. You pull away from the very people you’re begging to stay. You isolate yourself and then cry because nobody noticed you disappeared.

It’s like drowning in front of people who think you’re just bad at swimming.

And after a while, you stop explaining. Because how many times can you tell people you’re not okay before you realize they either don’t understand… or don’t know what to do anymore? So you sit there silently falling apart, wondering if your pain has become invisible. Wondering if you’ve become invisible.

BPD makes you mourn yourself while you’re still alive.

It makes you feel too much and absolutely nothing at the same time. It convinces you that you are unlovable while desperately needing someone to prove otherwise. It makes every abandonment feel fatal, every silence feel personal, every mistake feel unforgivable.

And some days, the hardest part isn’t even the sadness.

It’s realizing you can scream for help in a room full of people and still feel completely alone.

Almost all my interests are attached to my fp or close friends. If they were not in my life anymore, i could drop all those things in an instant easily.

I have no dreams, i only work and study because i have to. I feel no emotional connection to anything i do purely for myself. I feel like i do not exist outside of other people. I am so hollow that i take my personality from everyone else. My friends and fp have noticed, but they don't understand how deep it really goes or why

Anyone know of a place we can call for bpd that isn’t a suicide prevention line? sometimes we have crisis but it’s not because we wanna die we just need support and finding ourselves with people who aren’t specialized in mental illness in the middle of a crisis isn’t exactly helpful.

Every time he says he feels happy and that he doesn't think that way, I still feel like he doesn't actually like me or want to meet me. These feelings make me scared from time to time. I want to be a lovable girlfriend, but I worry that he doesn't want to see me, even though I really need to see him. So far, he has been meeting me three days a week and calling me every evening, but I just can't believe that he enjoys it.

Does this happen to anyone else? How can you overcome it and believe that your partner really likes you?

Its amazing that when you've struggled for 20 years with a debilitating disease, and you've finally learned methods of coping with it. You sit down and get some perspective on the life that you were living, the choices you made, and who you were holding on to that maybe you should not have.

After suffering and illness, then hopelessness and despair before actively trying to heal and help yourself. Or even learning what that entails.

You will find out who your friends are. And for me personally, as I gaze back at the decisions ive made and the people that ive kept in my life. I have realized that the ones I chose to keep are in fact the people who were making me sick. They were making me ill without me knowing. Because people use emotional abuse and manipulation as a tactic for getting what they want from life. And I was being used for my kindness when I thought that I was being a good person. I thought that I was helping others. But really I was just being drained and left with nothing.

What I called being generous and supportive was actually burning myself out in order to show up for others. What i told myself was love was actually just manipulation that others used against me. To get what they want.

Im not trying to be bitter. I am bitter. But what astounds me the most, is that you truly never know who your real friends are. And even when they're gone the doubts still remain.

​

Usually when I split I will isolate and be a total wreck on my own, I will struggle to find ways to soothe myself.
However, nowadays I will usually look at pictures of my bf and it calms me down. Sometimes I’m splitting because of him cuz he’s busy and I wish we’d text more tho I know he’s busy. But I still enjoy checking pictures of him and fangirling about how cute he is.
Anyways, I just wanted to write this thought down I guess.

Do any of you have the "fear of abandonment" manifest as grief, fear of death, fear of the void, and/or an impending feeling of inevitable loneliness?

If so, is there a way to cope which has helped you?

in february of this year i attempted suicide, and since then i've come a really long way. i understand why i was there mentally and don't ever see myself attempting again.

but... that feels like the only good news, besides "i hate myself less." (one of the perks of being a system is compartmentalizing stuff like this.)

it was easier in the summer, but now that autumn's coming...

every day i teeter on the brink of neurosis, and it feels like there's genuinely two people in my life who really, unconditionally, understand how hard it is for me.

most of my "self-improvement" journey since april has been predicated on a hatred of who i was and how i acted (because i did hurt many people around me). i think i've improved at self-reguation; but am i just going to live like this, hating some part of myself, forever?

it used to be i blamed my child self, and when i summited that mountain i started blaming my "early 2026" self.

one of those friends texted me, "the worst part is that the only way to break the cycle is to be kind to yourself when you have episodes." i can't recall the last time i've done that.

i'm 20 and should feel like i have my whole life ahead of me, but i often fail to imagine a future where i'm anything but the organized mess i am now.

i suppose i want validation from all this. i would like to be told that it gets better, and it won't always feel so eternal and hopeless. i want to know i can work on my harmful behavior without disowning inexorable parts of my existence.

thank you sincerely for reading <3

I’ve realized the reason why I’m so fucked up is not because people hurt me, I’m just sensitive and dramatic. The real reason is that I just probably shouldn’t be here, I make everyone’s life harder, I ruin everything for people and everyone would be better off without me. I just fuck up left and right and drag down everyone with me.. can be in someone’s life and completely devote myself to making their life happy as a person with feelings myself? Or is the only option to off? I just can’t make the people around me happy and I put all the burden of my feelings on people, feelings that aren’t valid why would I feel hurt when I’m actually worthless and a burden and why would I bother the people I love so dearly with that burden and make their life harder? I’m just a horrible person who hurts everyone and I’m useless for anything.

I’m mad at my partner right now and it’s making me rethink everything.

We are long distance. I called him during a time we had planned to call because we have a busy day where we won’t talk much and for whatever reason it didn’t go through. I was upset but fine before I talked to him. I told him I needed better communication, he cleared up the fact that it was an accident. After that we called and he noticed something was off so I told him I was still angry and my BPD was making my body react even though my head knows it was an accident. He made me talk it out, which is something I appreciate, and I should feel better, but I don’t, because he wasn’t soft and feeling when he was telling me that he didn’t pick up, it felt almost accusatory. Like he was upset that I was upset and was trying to get me to back off. I realistically know that he doesn’t get soft like I do ever, and his way of making me feel seen is by being firm with his emotions. But The rest of the call he just kinda brushed it off and I felt like he was annoyed. That makes me rethink our whole relationship and I’m splitting pretty bad. Are we just incompatible because my BPD makes it difficult to be with me and he can’t put forth the effort to meet my impossible needs?

This is a huge issue for me, and I'm wondering how others coped with it.

I have no stable sense of self. My opinions and values depend on others, mostly in a negative way.

I think learning what other people did would be helpful to me.