hi. first time poster long time lurker.

so. at the beginning of this month, i had to move away from my best friend in the whole wide world because of financial reasons. to the middle of nowhere with nothing to fill the void + job hunting is slow going. (i had a job opportunity lined up when i moved that fell through after i had already made moving preparations. long story.)

the literal day i left, my friend went out to a bar we would normally go to together. not only that, got a ride home with a friend who constantly negs her. i tell her this hurt me. it was really insulting that she couldnt give it even 12 hours to be sad and then go out maybe the day after. it made me feel like she didnt even really care about the separation. we talk it out and all is well. did not lash out just cried a little.

cut to today. she is going out again. i am okay with it and im coping well and not taking it personal and understanding she cant just sit at home and do nothing. i am supportive and hype her outfit up. very normal stuff.

some random at the bar and her kissed (not a problem. im sad i wasnt there to witness it but like. sure yay. have fun with that)

she's there with a friend as well and apparently the friend took a selfie right before the kiss happened. him in the foreground. her and the random smiling and laughing with each other in the background.

jesssssssusssss fucking chrissssstttt man. the kiss part didnt bother me, but, im obviously still sensitive from the first time she went out without me + literal photo evidence of her having a good time with someone else. im sick. i seriously cannot stop tweaking out about it.

i feel like im even more upset because the night that we talked it all out i said "i dont want to control you but it makes me really upset to think there's someone who you have more fun with than me" and she reassured me that she doesn't and that we're best friends.

i havent said anything yet because. well. what do you even say? hey! you cant have fun with other people! how dare you! but like. photo evidence? literally just showing me actual footage of you having a grand old time with someone else?

im feeling very replaced. it hurts really bad.

the irrational part of me wants to "punish" this by silent treatmenting her for a while but i didn't do that and if she texts again, i don't plan on starting.

i dont necessarily need advice because im just gonna cry it out and clean my room and self soothe.

i just wanted to talk about this in a room full of people who might get it. thanks for reading.

Hey everyone,

I was diagnosed with BPD three years ago. I’ve made a lot of progress since then and feel like I’m genuinely getting better in many areas, but this one specific trigger still haunts me and completely consumes my day.
When I’m texting someone and see that my message says "Read" without a reply, this heavy, sinking feeling hits my stomach and just won't go away. Even when I try to talk myself down logically, the anxiety and constant urge to check my phone take over.
I’ve spent so much time trying to change my iPhone settings so it stops showing me "Read" and just stays on "Delivered"—not seeing that status makes things so much easier for my peace of mind—but I can't figure out how to get rid of it.
For anyone who has dealt with this:
How have you been able to tackle that all-day sinking feeling when left on read?
What coping mechanisms, boundary rules, or phone habits have helped you stop getting consumed by it?
I’d really appreciate any insights or strategies that worked for you. Thanks in advance!

I (25f bi) realized today my best friend (22f lesbian) might have a crush on me and it’s making me feel super weird… I have spent the past two years talking to her every day and seeing her a few times a week and now I feel like I need to pull away and set this boundary with her. And it’s making me realize how much time and effort I put into her and how empty would feel without her as my best friend. But I have zero romantic interest in her and would rather not be her friend than have her secretly romantically interested in me.

I feel like cutting everyone in my life off and just focusing on me because of this. Which I know is the wrong move but I can’t help it. It’s like I can’t rely on anybody to do the right thing in my life. I thought of her like a sister and it’s honestly pissing me off that she probably thinks of me as more.

when you're triggered (i made a mistake and hurt someone so now im spiraling), what do you do to make the rage and sadness and attention seeking behavior calm down?

i want to fight with my partner. yell at them even though im the one that made the mistake and hurt them. i want to blame them and i want their attention so i text over and over trying to get them to respond and regulate me, but then also want to run away and never talk to them again so i keep deleting a bunch of my messages after sending them, in a weird passive aggressive, shameful way, also for attention..

every mistake i make, every time i hurt them accidentally, i make it all about howI feel about it, and how me hurting them made ME feel. i even change my typing style just to get attention and show that im upset. i feel like a big baby having a tantrum. its so incredibly embarrassing especially when we have friends over and they see me fly off the handle and get mad or storm out because of something so small.

i sit and stew for HOURSSS and its impossible to come down or be mindful or rational all i want to do is cry and scream and break things over such small things that could just be worked through by talking and me comforting them and listening to them about the mistake i made and not taking it so personally and acting so irrationally.

i think the worst part is that all of this is coated in a thick layer of shame. it fuels the spiral. i get so embarrassed from fucking up, esp if they cry or get visibly upset from me hurting them by accident. saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing as is normal in relationships. bcus we make mistakes. but no, not me. i cant. bcus im convinced im a horrible monster. and i hate myself. so i get enraged, i get depressed, i want attention and someone to save me from this nightmare. but the only person that can do it is me

im so so so fucking sick of living like this and acting like this i just want to be normal and react normally to things and be able to be a good partner and friend and person :( is that too much to fucking ask?

Tonight, once again, I’m alone. I’m always alone. Even when I’m with others, I’m still, somehow, alone. I usually turn down invitations just to avoid feeling out of place. It’s so alienating, watching other people and always feeling different, as if I don’t belong, as if I’m a mistake.

I’m tired of wanting something, then wanting the exact opposite, and getting lost in the process. It’s like walking through a constant fog; I feel dizzy, I feel nauseous, I just wish it would stop, even if only for a little while.

I’m tired of the pain I feel when I look at other people’s lives.

I’m tired of scaring away the people I want to keep close, or pushing them away because "all relationships are doomed to failure and suffering.".

I’m just tired. I want a hug; I want to feel safe; I want someone to tell me that it’s okay.

I long for the luxury of being able to cry on someone’s shoulder, without them even noticing.

I want a hug, but instead, I’ll seek comfort in the same old, wrong things, because I don’t know how to be truly human.

I’m currently awaiting a diagnosis; I’m not entirely sure if everything I’m experiencing fits in this sub. It’s a toss-up between BPD and C-PTSD, perhaps both.

When I was diagnosed I wasn’t aware that delusions were very common. I found this very well article which I have referred back to a few times and am copying into my DBT binder just wanted to share! Have you experienced any of these?

LINK

Anyone else who knew before it arrived?

Since I was 15 I just like. Sort of knew. Then the diagnosis arrived and I just kinda giggled.

The door was always open for other possibilities, of course, but this one was more open than others

I have so many things I wanna ask and am curious about, do y'all also get the urge to stalk and get to know every single small thing bout the crush you have??

And how do you know when you have a favorite person? It's not always clear to me

Sorry I'm just!. So excited to have a name for it finally. I spent so many years wondering what was wrong with me, I'm happy I'm not alone

I was in a relationship for 6 years and before that I was in a relationship for 2 years. (I am 23). I feel so fucking alone and I know it’s my fault for keeping everything in. My only really close friend has a s/o now and I’m happy for them but I was always there when they were miserable and lonely.. and now they have zero time for me. That’s just how life goes I guess.. even though my ex and I would include them in so much. I guess I feel extra annoying bc I don’t know how to be by myself in my head so I’m fucking myself over by being codependent. I’ve been put back on hydroxyzine so hopefully that can help?? But I feel like I just want to end everything. I’m so confused. My ex and I are in-contact and flirt and I want them but I don’t know. I just feel so alone right now.

I sleep all day and barely at night, or all day and night. I eat once a day when I finally decide to leave my room and all the fresh air I get is opening my window. I can’t get myself up for school.
Maybe it’s all the new guys I’m talking to, maybe it’s reality starting to catch up again, or maybe I’m just doomed to feel like this for the rest of my life. I just want it to stop, I want to feel like I did a few weeks ago, everything was so normal.

As a woman with BPD, navigating my emotions, feelings, boundaries, and stability can already be difficult. But when you communicate those things, express your vulnerabilities, and make your boundaries clear, only to have them trampled all over, it makes you more susceptible to being taken advantage of by the scum of the Earth.
The experiences I’ve had with men have completely turned me off from ever wanting to be with someone romantically or sexually. It’s sickening to think that these are the kinds of men walking around in this world, with sisters, daughters, aunts, and nieces of their own, yet they can treat women so horribly. How can you look at the women in your own family and still choose to mistreat, manipulate, or take advantage of another woman?
I lost my virginity later in life, but just because I lost it in adulthood doesn’t make me any less of a victim. Being an adult does not mean you cannot be coerced, manipulated, pressured, or sexually violated. Your age, sexual history, and the circumstances surrounding your experiences do not invalidate your right to call out what happened to you.
Sexual predators will coerce and manipulate women to get what they want, often using pressure, intimidation, and manipulation to override their boundaries. They may also force their way into women’s lives and refuse to respect their right to say no or walk away.

Hey so it was confirmed by my fp that he has a gf and i can not feel my anxious attachment towards him anymore. we r still cool but i cant idealize him even the thought of him sometimes is unbearable, someone tell me please is this detachment temporary will i fall back to my chaos? Will i adore him again

I get this issue from all my friendships. I tend to only ever talk about health issues or things wrong in my life. I always let people know I have trouble “reading the room” and I might need to be told if I’m saying too much. They always say they’ll tell me but never do.

*Here’s my biggest issue*

My life is extremely chaotic. ***Extremely.***

I’m constantly going through losses, I’ve had 5 psych ward stays this year alone. Over the past 3-4 years I became disabled, unable to drive, had to drop out of school, multiple er visits, multiple mental health issues, psychotic symptoms at times, SEVERE OCD, BPD, ***I am unable to marry date or have kids bc I’m so mentally and physically ill,*** I got dismissed at a psychiatrists office bc I couldn’t tolerate meds after being misdiagnosed with bipolar 2, all my DX keep changing, my dog just died and she was the only sibling I had, family doesn’t talk to me, parents and I always fight and I have to beg them to hang out with me, my dads suicidal, my mom attempted, I attempted, my outside family hardly speaks to Me, my house doesn’t validate my feelings, I haven’t hung out with people in person for almost 3 years, I’ve been single for 3 1/2 years, I might get dismissed at my current psych offfice for over use of MyChart messages, and a lot more stuff.

What do I do? How do I stop myself

I can’t even talk to anyone for more than five minutes without feeling drained

**All this is like half of it. There’s so much more.**

I just hate myself for this

Like I just dont know what to do anymore. Im so close to giving up on it all. Every time I try to have something romantic theyre quick to say that they feel like im going to be too much without even trying to give me a chance, saying its not me its them, oh my god. I want to die. Im so unlovable. People wont even give me a chance to prove that im trying to heal or anything. I hate my life, I hate bpd, i hate it all.

Because i know i live with bpd, i accept blame for everything interpersonal and work to smooth it over. Im never quite sure if i somehow stirred something up even tho i thought i was cognizant of these behaviors. So im always putting myself second and deferring and making sure i dont benefit too much from any situation. Always second guessing. Im so tired and so alone.

Hi! Well this is the first time I share something with someone other than my psychiatrist or psychologist.. This makes me lose my mind sometimes because I am taking my medication following my plan and everything in between.. but it’s just so fucking hard like everyday is a fucking battle.. my mood swings(even with medication) take me to such an awful places, in my case unfortunately the best way to cope when I am experiencing an episode is harming myself which feels SOO good at the moment but then after I come back from it I just feel like fucking garbage cause I know my partner will notice, my mom.. just everyone around me that cheers for me to get better.. but when I think I am doing good i just crash out and dissociate and just throw away all the progress and I am trying I swear I am but I mean sometimes it just makes me so angry like what’s wrong with me😩😩

Prior to my diagnosis, I was lucky enough to get on Medicaid via unemployment. I was about to lose it, but Covid hit, and they did not want to kick people off during Covid. After Covid, I lost it, and had to get health care through my employer. It's not cheap. I was going to try an apply again now that I have my diagnosis. I'm wondering if anyone in PA has been able to get on Medicaid this year with all the changes that have been going on.

Helloo 🫶🏽 My name is Liliko and I’m 25 years old. I was diagnosed a few years ago and I can’t lie it’s been really lonely when you feel like an outsider or an alien with this issue. One minute I hate feeling lonely but as soon as people are around.. I can’t stand it. One day I’d love to be in a relationship, but the next I’d rather be alone than risk getting emotionally hurt again.

Being on this forum has helped me feel less alone and would love to get to know other people who have experienced this.

Does anyone else with BPD get intense, sudden feelings that everything is wrong?? Like nothing in your life is right, the people you love, your job, where you are. It's like suddenly you woke up from a dream, the rose colored glasses fell off and you realize the world has crashed around you.

I find that this lasts a couple hours and it's very distressing and I don't know how to cope during it. When it has passed everything feels ok again and I feel almost foolish for feeling so distraught.

Just looking for confirmation or advice. I'm newly diagnosed so I'm learning to recognize my symptoms and this is one that I think is my worst.

Terminei meu relacionamento porque percebi que estava fazendo mais mal do que bem à minha parceira.

Acho que não sirvo para me relacionamento romanticamente.

Eu sempre saboto o relacionamento e deixo a pessoa triste.

Tenho 28 anos e sempre foi assim.

Acho que é melhor eu ficar sozinha do que machucando pessoas inocentes por aí, ainda que não seja a minha intenção machuca-las.

Enfim, é apenas um desabafo.

My emotions have tired me out so much I just feel numb. Someone like me isn’t really meant to exist in society I guess, everything around me feels like it’s crashing down and I can’t even talk to my girlfriend (a REGULAR CONVERSATION) without worrying I’m being an abusive or manipulative piece of shit. I know she’s gonna leave me soon, how do I prepare myself for this world and how do i live without being an inconvenience to everyone around me? I’m just beginning to think isolating myself will fix every problem and then there will be no way I could hurt someone’s feelings ever. I’m so scared of hurting my girlfriend it’s eating me alive to the point I’m analysing everything I say. Is this normal? My bpd is on the more quiet side and I just need someone to support me right now. I just think it would be better if I didn’t exist sometimes

i recently relapsed self harm. i noticed something. why do i never feel that my self harm is valid unless it bleeds or i see white? why do i find myself putting myself above others whenever my self harm is more prominent than theirs? i know deep down this isnt a competition and we are all suffering but why does my brain seem to always make things out to be this way for me

I don't have a lot of relationships in my life, but when I take stock of the ones I do, and the relationship patterns of the past, I see that I make myself always open and available to receive other people's shit and emotionally care take, and I do not receive the same back. No one wants to hear about my shit. No one asks. I always thought since I was a kid, because of my fucked up parents, that I had to tend to someone closely and cater to their needs in order to have a sense of connection or safety. But it has never given me belonging. Just resentment.

Does anyone else relate to this pattern?

I've been wracked with guilt because I think someone I work with pick up on the fact that I was feeling jealous because I thought she had been getting extra learning opportunities. That feeling was under intense review that week, and I later concluded that I was actually uncomfortable because I was falling into a passive learning style that reminded me of being a little kid.

Unfortunately, she picked up on my feeling before I was done fact-checking the situation. I lied and said I was fine, but followed up a few days later by making a request asking her to not pass information onto me from other coworkers. I asked this because I want to make sure I am actively seeking information, but now I'm scared she thinks I'm angry with her.

Two years ago, I screamed at a friend in a car and said all sorts of horrible things and couldn't even remember it all after that. Since then, I've been trying so hard to not leak out any emotions to people, and lost a significant amount of trust in myself.

Also around that time, two years ago, my ex broke up with me over text for being suicidal. I tried breaking up with them a month prior because I was worried about how my mental health was affecting them, but they argued that I was sabotaging myself. I never threatened to get a reaction out of them, but suicidality was a new issue for me, so sometimes I would contact them because I was scared by the thoughts themselves. I tried my best to utilize helplines and tried getting higher levels of care, but just couldn't hide enough of my feelings. One day I just broke and said something crazy about driving up to see them for the holidays with my cat in the car because I was freaking out about pet-setting. I am not sure why that was the last straw for them, but it was. I don't think i made a lick of sense, either.

The breakup made me very confused about what exactly someone is supposed to do if they are mentally ill and dating. Ever since then, I've worked really hard to hide my emotions from my friends and have improved at lying about my mental state. It seems to make people happy when I tell them I'm fine, even when I'm not.

I don't actually perceive my emotions as super intense, but they are very visible, and people often focus on them more than anything I actually communicate. I've gotten better at hiding my feelings, but I feel like a shaken soda can on most days.

How do you have feelings around people? How much of social interaction is just getting good at having a poker face? It's exhausting, and it also makes me sad that people like me better this way.

no i’m not going off my meds, its just something i thought now that they’re starting to work
anyone else finally get medicated, get a week-2 weeks in, and start thinking “do i really need to be medicated?”
like is this a sign that theyre starting to work?
i have the more “implosive” type of borderline and was recently (finally) diagnosed. i’m on lamictal and prozac for now to see if they work
i feel normal, i’m mentally i’m like “well i’ve made it this long, was it really that bad?” but the logical part of my brain is like “fuck no, shut up, remember how you have felt for the past 7 years”
good sign or bad? normal? i have no clue.
all i know is my boyfriend has said i do seem to be a little happier and calmer

My Fp is my friend and I still can't calmly react in my head to knowing out he's texting more and more girls because he's just a likeable as a person and easy to talk to.

How do you manage feeling jealousy and feeling at the same time anger, confusion and some other feelings I cannot even describe and I'm just thinking about it for days since I wake up..

I'm so done feeling all these feelings all the time since I wake up till I fall asleep. Its a torture. Please someone who managed somehow to handle it, please help me in the comments, I don't want to say control that person too I have no right to dictate who people can talk to, the problem is my feelings and all that is for me to deal, not for them, but its so hard that's why I started distancing from my fp :(

Living with these emotions these feelings everyday made me feel anger everyday for 24/7 I feel like I don't have something and I'm not satisfied that's the feeling.

This is eating me. I need to feel like a person I know there are so confident people who love themselves that don't care if anyone leaves them and its a minor thing for them but obviously here its not and for me its not, I cannot control my feeling, with my actions I dont know what to do as well, I don't want to be toxic to anybody, should I just distance myself and stay silent about my mental torture happening