I've tried therapy since 2003. I guess when I was a kid, I would "trick" the therapist by wearing brighter colored clothes and being more positive.

I have tried very hard to connect with therapists in my 20s and 30s. Long story, but I haven't found one who is still available or who can help me.

Lost my insurance. Have been through multiple therapists before that and after a few sessions they "aren't with the practice anymore" or "have left the company"

I feel like giving up.

If it seems like the rest of the world is

against me, I should look at myself.

Genuine question how do ppl afford therapy out of pocket without insurance? Also how do you find a good therapist that makes you feel comfortable enough to open up to them? I’ve heard BetterHelp is good but it’s so expense. I can’t afford $380 per week

Every time I spend any unnecessary money I feel like I'm rich. And whenever I have like $1000 in my bank account I feel like I have enough money to do anything with no obligations. Even though my salary is below the median income.

My mom did not grow up "rich"; the family never went to restaurants, did not buy much in general, went to public school for K-12, didn't go on expensive vacations and only traveled out of the country a few times in my mom's childhood. But the house they owned is big and is now worth over $5 million because it's in a famous beach town. They can't live in it though, because they can't pay the property tax so it's rented out. So I don't know where I stand in terms of money or if that matters.

Just as the title says, in two relationships in my past when we got broken up with, I bargained and pleaded to get back.

I thought this was normal. I thought everyone losing a relationship would ask and beg for a chance, essentially.

According to the subreddit, that’s actually abnormal and a sign of abuse.

I last had my last relationship three years ago.

I didn’t realize this whole time I was being abusive and condemnable. There was one time on a dating app when someone said they didn’t want to see me, and I “accidentally” texted them six months later, which led to us having another conversation.

But I thought it was normal to try to repair a relationship when someone was ending it. I didn’t know it was considered coercion.

Per previous comment: I begged to get back with a lot of “please” and “sounds like you think we can make it”

I did point out I didn’t want to move out the second time she wanted to break up, which could make it coercive. That was toxic.

One gf admitted I did convince her to try again even when hesitant to give it another chance.

I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start. The only thing I know now is that I may not be able to go Outside anymore. I'm trying my best to not let it be the case, simply because I can't afford to. I'm not sure how I can though. The only thing I'm sure of is that it is painful to go outside.

I can't look anyone in the eye anymore. I don't want to. I can't be friendly because my face is such a shock to everybody. I admit that I didn't know how to properly care for it and for years the stuff I thought was working so well was ultimately damaging it. Now I'm at a point where I just look like the crypt keeper 24/7 365.

It sucks I've made so much progress in life only to have this constant roadblock destroy any motivation. I go to a fast food drive thru and as soon as they open the window there's constant laughter. If the cashier can even hold a straight face then I hear it coming from alot of unseen people in the background.

If I walk into a store. I'm constantly made aware of the fact that there is someone just standing there. Staring at me. At least they won't say anything or laugh. But they don't move or look away either. That's just as bad.

I don't know what to do. I can't smoke or drink because it only makes me look worse. I've done both for do long I don't even know if I can successfully detox at this point. I never considered myself to be addicted or an alcoholic because I could always quit. I just never quit for any significant amount of time. Maybe 2 months at the most.

It would work though. 2 months after stopping I would be back at what I considered 10 or pristine condition. Now I just look like a monster all of the time. Everyone around me looks human. The only people I see that look like me are the people you see sleeping on the sidewalk that have completely given up on life.

I haven't given up on life though. I've only spent my ENTIRE life making sure everyone else was taken care of and now I have no one looking out for me. My longest relationship was 18 years and she died from a botched medical procedure...

Every woman since then has been temporary because I can't cope with their constant barrage of issues and emergencies. My life is pretty care free or maybe set on autopilot is a better term to use. As long as I work all of my needs and wants are taken care of. It may be a bit minimalist compared to other people's but I did at least have pockets of genuine happiness. I would catch myself smiling. Even giggling sometimes.

Now it's just a bunch of manipulators and people trying to take advantage and I'm retreating more and more each day. I have no safe space. I can't even smoke a cigarette if I wanted to because I'd have to be in public to do so and I never realized it before but people are EVERYWHERE now, I can't find anywhere to be alone and just smoke and I'm afraid that someone will just walk up and make it their mission to destroy what little confidence I have left.

It's alot I know. I've just never really put any of this into words and there's a lot more. I just don't know what to do.

Tw: death

Yesterday I went to a football game where some servicemen were going to repel from the jumbotron and onto the field. The first man was set to repel down when something happened and he ended up falling to his death. I remember thinking he was going way too fast as he went down and then my heart stopped when he slammed into the ground. I was shaking and my eyes were watering. It was completely silent in the arena and I kept waiting for any announcements that he was okay. At he time, medical personell carted him off the field and then we never heard anything else throughout the entire game except for an overhead announcement that we would be holding a brief moment of silence for the situation. I felt guilty that I was still there when a man was potentially dead. The game went on as normal and I tried to enjoy it to distract myself but I kept looking online for any updates. I didn't want to believe I just watched a person fall to his death. This morning, I found out he did in fact die from his injuries. Looking back, I wish the game had stopped. I wish I hadn't just gone with the crowd and cheered for the game like nothing happened. I should have left out of respect for him and his family. All day I've been trying to distract myself but he keeps coming into my mind. I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling. I didn't know this man, but watching someone die like that in such a horrific tragedy is having a huge affect on me. I felt sad, guilty, and even selfish now because I'm even posting it on here and making it about myself. I've just never dealt with something like this and I don't know it my reaction is warranted.

I don’t remember the last time I felt happy
Like true genuine happiness in my heart

My heart constantly feels heavy, Im constantly panicking and it just feels like I’ve been dissociating for so long that I just accepted this state as my reality

To be honest, I don’t feel much either, everything feels the same, even writing this down, I still feel kinda flat?

I know why I feel this way, but I’m afraid that if if I allow myself to FEEL, I’ll be hurt, I’m literally afraid of feeling happy and I’m constantly waiting for a future where I feel mentally and emotionally stable to be “happy” - I don’t often remind myself that this time is also mine, and this time is my life, and if I’m not able to be happy now, the chances are I’ll be miserable for the rest of my life

Not saying your partner should BE your therapist, but do you think they should be knowing the same things about your life that you are telling your therapist? Or is it best to withhold some trauma/feelings from your partner? And i say venting about trauma/situations that doesnt involve their partner or marriage. I say this because i want a partner who will be my best friend and be the only person who knows me through and through but it seems like that one person is my therapist.

I’m 20M, I’ve just started working for real, blue collar work. My body is hurting, I can barely stand up after sitting for a hour. It’s been like this for 5 weeks now.
I don’t know why I work, money? Is it al about money?
I need money to live, so I must work, but why should I continue. These goals people talk about that I should have, I don’t know where to go. Elders around me asking me for future plans. And here I am wondering why I need to work. I despise social media, but I’m still addicted as much as anyone else. I hate people, I don’t like the government, I don’t like the police, I don’t like doctors. Why is it like this.
It’s getting harder getting up at 05:00 am.
Having to stare at the ceiling for 30 minutes wondering if I’m gonna cry or drive into a tree on the way to work.
Work work work.
That’s apparently all that matters.

Have tried therapy, my last session I finally got a guy that told me straight up that I’m “overly intelligent” for therapy to work, because I apparently don’t feel feelings like I should. I just proceed them as they are described to feel.
Idk man. What should I do, where should I go? 20 years old and don’t even know why I have to continue.

There are plenty of people offering psychedelic sessions, but far fewer seem to provide proper support or therapy afterward.

Do you think the experience itself can lead to lasting positive changes or is the follow-up work just as important?

F30. Childless. Never married. Introvert. Neurodivergent. Poc. I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, panic disorder, and boarderline personality disorder.

I grew up middle class in a hostile and dysfunctional family. My dad was a raging abusive alcoholic. My mom used to be mean to me and call me ugly. Whenever I’d get a compliment one of my family members would tell me they lied about the compliment and only complimented me because they pity how ugly I am.

My mom and her brother were pathological liars. I’d go hang out with them at events and watch them lie about their entire existence and encourage me to participate. I used to be a pathological liar as well.. but grew out of it in my early 20’s. As I gotten to be 23/24 I realized my mom was similar to anna delvey. And I chose to cut my family off. But I still talk to my parents and my brother & nephews.

I am considered conventionally attractive. And because of this I cannot have a regular job. Every job I ever had. My male boss told me he hired me because he thought I was attractive. This then leads to them making sexual advances at me I never take.. so they make my life hell. On top of the jealous women who try to ruin me. I have been sabotaged at every job. So, at 25 I started working for myself.. all of my female friendships are fake, shallow, and superficial. No one genuinely cares about me. I’ve had a lot of terrible things happen to me..

Now I’m at a point where I realize that I may be more mentally unwell than I thought. I may be a narcissist or an egomaniac. Or some sort of sociopath. Im incapable of forming deep meaningful connections. I’ve never been in love. Deep down I secretly hate everyone.. but no one in my real everyday life would ever know. On the outside I appear sweet, kind, and bubbly. But in the inside there’s a lot of rage festering.. and im at a point where I can’t keep it in anymore. Because of how deeply rooted my disdain for people have become due to the cruelty I’ve experienced. Some of my family members passed away.. and I was happy about it. I remember my bully from middle school died and someone told me and my response was “well.. she was a bitch.. what are we doing this weekend” and I’ve started seeking out revenge on people who hurt me and it’s making me feel happy. All things bad & naughty bring me joy.

I’m definitely a villain.. And I’m capable of doing very heinous things. And I have. But honestly, due to me being pretty and skinny.. and charismatic I get away with a lot of bad things because it’s either excused or I’m not even a suspect. 😞 I currently put myself in therapy twice a week to work through all of this. But honestly.. I have no hope for myself. A normal life isn’t for me.

I'm 18m. When I was 15 I experienced a shooting at a park area in a foreign country. I was with 2 older relatives; we got seperated, and I saw a lot more than what everyone thought I did. Partly because I ran towards the gunshots instead of away like everyone else. I was stupid. At some point the gunman was like 2 feet away from me, but thankfully a bunch of middle-aged men collectively jumped the guy and eventually he was subdued and his gun was wrestled away. As far as I know nobody died, thankfully, but there were a lot of injuries.

For 3 years, I have talked to absolutely nobody about this. My parents didn't and don't know. They know there was a shooting, but they don't know I saw what I saw. My relatives ran away with the crowd, but since we got seperated they had no idea where I was so when they told my parents about what happened, they just assumed I got seperated while running away and essentially saw nothing

I know I need therapy. Back then, and still today, I have zero emotions about this event. I don't feel anything. I mean, I know I should probably feel sad and stuff, especially because of the kids, but I just dont. Also recently I heard an old song on spotify that I had listened to near the time of that event, and hearing that just made me cry. And I continued crying for that whole week, everytime I was alone. I never cried about this before. And ever since, I've been having random breakdowns that just take up my mind. A couple times I just started hyperventilating (?) or something like that. Just couldn't sit still and breathe properly.

Another thing I want to note is my memory on this is like jumbled up. I can vividly recall the shooter raising his gun and shooting a specific old mad in the leg, but at the same time, I know for a fact I wasn't there when he got shot. When I got to where he was, he was already on the ground. So like I remember a lot of things in detail, though I know some of those I shouldn't be able to visualize because I don't think I was there in that moment in time to specifically witness it

I know I probably need to talk to someone about this. I can't bring myself to tell my friends though. How do you go up to your friends and tell them, "by the way, I was in a mass shooting when I was 15. Ive been having breakdowns recently out of nowehere and I know I dont act like it but yeah sonethings going on with me" I sound like im seeking attention here.

I'm looking into therapists. But one thing I'm really hesitant on is how to start going to therapy. Like, what do I even say there? Do I just start dumping everything all at once? I feel like an impostor sometimes when I consider telling people.

Also, I feel picky about my therapist too. I dont want some super old lady, and I also don't want a male therapist. It feels weird opening up to another dude about your feelings and all that. I promise its not because I have some tough guy complex lol. It just feels weird

So I recently mailed my friend two handwritten letters, and now I’m genuinely going crazy thinking about her receiving them.
For context, I have a really hard time opening up to people. I want these really close, deep friendships where you can tell each other anything, but I struggle so much with actually letting people know me.
I’m constantly in my head analyzing myself, conversations I’ve had, whether I talked too much or too little, whether I said something wrong, or how someone might perceive me. And whenever I do open up about something personal, I usually turn it into a joke because that’s easier than actually being vulnerable.
I also have this habit of pulling away from people after opening up. I’ve even done it in therapy. I’ll share a bunch of personal stuff, immediately feel like I’ve said too much, and then want to disappear.
In the letters, I explained a lot of this to my friend. I also talked about how I sometimes indirectly test whether I can open up to her. Like I’ll send her a voice memo hoping she’ll respond, or share a playlist of songs that mean a lot to me, and then get disappointed when I don’t get the response I was hoping for.
There was also a time I shared something personal about my family, and her response wasn’t really what I needed in that moment. I know she probably meant nothing by it, but my brain took it as a sign that I shouldn’t open up again.
I love our friendship, and I don’t think she’s a bad friend. I just wish we had that deeper emotional closeness, and I realize that part of the reason we might not is because I struggle to be vulnerable myself.
So I wrote all of this down. The first letter was basically me writing whatever came into my head, and the second was me trying to explain my thoughts and behaviors more clearly. Together, they’re around 15 handwritten pages, counting the fronts and backs.
And then I actually mailed them.
I was excited and relieved for about five seconds, and then immediately started regretting everything. Now I wish I could get the envelope back before she reads it.
I keep thinking I didn’t explain myself properly, that I talked about myself too much, or that she’s going to think I’m criticizing her when that’s not what I intended.
I don’t even know what response I want from her. I’m scared she’ll think I’m too much, stop being my friend, pity me, look at me differently, or just never acknowledge the letter
I feel like I’ve made the biggest mistake ever

My wife and I have been together 7 years, married 5 and we have a toddler together.

To give a little bit of back ground thru out the 7 years we’ve been together I struggled with a porn addiction. And from the beggining of our relationship we had an understanding that watching porn is the equivalent to cheating. I didn’t watch porn everyday it was every other week but I knew it was wrong so I would try hiding it with no success. I took and still take full accountability for my actions and know that I betrayed her trust. But for the past couple months my wife has grown distant and emotionally unavailable and I do understand why. I’ve done my best to overcome my addiction and I’ve been doing a really good job I’m being more involved in our relationship and having better communication on my end. But it’s not being shown back.
A couple weeks ago she talked to me about taking a break and having space to work on our mental health and become better for each other, while still behaving like a couple for family and our daughters sake.
Last night I was scrolling thru her phone because we took nice pictures together and I found a picture of a man’s penis with her name on it.
I confronted her about it and she claimed that that she made her snap account public and a man added her so she added him back. While she says there wasn’t any flirting going on he sent her an “unsolicited” picture. She replied with a bra picture. And saved his photo to her hidden camera roll. She defended herself by saying we aren’t together so she could do that if she wanted to but she genuinely didn’t mean anything by it and blocked him the same day the incident happened.
There wasn’t any physical or emotional “cheating” but I still feel betrayed and idk if I should keep trying to fight for our relationship or let it go and accept the fact that she doesn’t want ti be with me anymore.

How can I find doctor or just someone who will hear me out? I just want someone who I can talk to and that will insten.