Last night my son texted me that he needed my full and undivided attention because he needed to talk to me about something serious. I couldn't imagine what it was. I thought maybe he won the the lottery. No, he said that he is going to be a father. He just turned 21. I was shocked. I had no idea he was even dating anyone. He said he wasn't going to tell me because this person was just a booty call and she said she was going to get an abortion. She changed her mind on it. I was shocked.

I asked him who the girl was and he said she wasn't really a girl. She's a 43 year old woman. I guess she had been hooking up with some of my son's friends, some since high school. He doesn't love her and would rather be a single dad than coparent.

Edit: All I know is that this woman was living with my son's friend's family after COVID blew up. The mom found out that she was having sex with her son and kicked her out.

My mom's neighbor complained to the city about her backyard fence. The fence was permitted, and an inspector confirmed everything was fine, but I was still angry that he'd put her through the hassle in the first place.

A couple of days later, I started looking into his new deck. I found potential issues with the setbacks and easement requirements, so I reported them to the city. I also reported him for directing water into a storm drain, and I had video of that.

Then the city started looking into other things, including permits and electrical work. Before long, he was tearing parts of his deck apart. There was exposed wiring, a stop-work order, and a whole mess he now had to deal with.

Here's the part I'm not proud of admitting: I wasn't just concerned about the rules being followed. I wanted to get back at him for going after my mom.

I knew what I was doing when I made those reports. I could tell myself I was simply reporting legitimate violations, and technically, that was true. But if he hadn't complained about my mom's fence, I probably wouldn't have spent my time looking into his property.

I still feel like he brought the situation on himself, and I haven't exactly lost sleep over the consequences. But I also know that revenge was part of my motivation, and I'm not sure what that says about me.

I haven't told my mom the full extent of my involvement.

I think that's the part I feel weirdest about. I can justify the reports, but I'm less comfortable admitting how much satisfaction I got from watching everything unravel.

As the title states, seeing escorts was the best thing to happen to me. Growing up short and unattractive, on top of being on the spectrum albeit high functioning , you learn at an early age. That trying with women becomes a waste of time sooner or later. At 26 people dont understand what its like to go your entire life to be met with looks of disgust or laughter every time you try to talk to a woman in order to get to know you better.

I eventually started seeing escorts and it was nice for once to be treated with basic decency even if its paid for. Some may see it as pathetic, but its a much better alternative coming from zero. The sex is just a bonus. It was always snnoying having people dismiss your issues by saying "oh youre going for women out of your league", when guys who are also in the unattractive trenches know thats a huge lie since we know talking to attractive women would be a time waste as attractive women want attractive men. Nothing wrong with that, but it was always annoying that that was the go to assumption.

Ik realistically that the only way for that to happen for men like me is through escorts, which is fine but still.personality means nothing if the woman isnt already attracted to you. You can be the most decent dude out there but if you don't pass a basic looks threshold, you arent getting anywhere with women. The most free i ever felt was when i told my parents that women dont like me and never will and to stop asling about a girlfriend since ugly men dont get that opportunity and i admitted to seeing escorts. They havent bothered me since about women. They know what the deal is. I prefer it this way instead of living some poontless lie and remain delusional.

Fellas if you also feel this way you arent alone, it tooka long time to shake societal stigma of paying for it.there is nothing wrong with having a woman over with money, sometimes this is the best option for certain men. I can get used to this, ive been able to enjoy conversating and having sex with women of each ethnic group i otherwise wouldnt have been able to.

Before anyone asks, im 5'5 MAYBE 5'6 BUT at this size it doesnt matter its all in the ew/friendzone territory

When I hit about 40 years old I read an article that basically said that anybody who was 25 years or older basically sees older people as being invisible. Additionally I had hit the age at 45 where I was at least as old as their parents. I found that if I just say hey I'm meeting a friend here but I need to use the bathroom now, they would always just let me in and never look back. Movies is basically on par with fast food where nobody particularly cares what the fuck goes on as long as I'm not littering we're making a scene nobody cares. I moved to Mexico in my late fifties and I don't do it in mexico. But when I go back to the US I still do it even though there is assigned seating. I have never been questioned I have never been found out.

it's actually really difficult because I don't find him sexually attractive in any way and especially just his headshots but I have done it every day for about 2 years because I found it funny at first but now I'm so used to it that it makes me feel incomplete if I don't do it every day.

Longest story short cause I have so much context but feel numb right now. I just found out my boyfriend was fucking my older sister they are around the same age , they always hung out n have comfortable brotherly sister vibe I did get insecure about it a few times but brushed it off.

But tonight I went through his phone He left it open and went through their deleted messages and it got pretty crazy. Last time was supposedly in the summer like June July (per their messages but it was going on since before may.. per their messages)

I dont know what to do my sister and my nephew lives with me and my mom (they live on the couch)

And I decided to let my bf stay with us for the past few months and this is how he betrayed me ?? (Also talk and potentially fucking other people too)

Its more to this story but this is the just. I didn't know where else to put this and im also not ready to tell my mom , she heard me kicking him out this morning andmy mom is so intune with me and his relationship she gets sad when we fight and starts crying. So I know she's going to go to the extreme maybe even kick my sister out.

Im notsure how to go about it but I dont want my relationship with my nephew to be effected he is the light of my life I dont want to see him any less...

Sorry if this is everywhere im shaking so much n mind is cloudy.. maybe later on ill add more details but right now i just needed to let it out..

I also can add screebshots i just dont know how to

I travel a lot for work sooo im in and out of planes. Anyways I tend to get super gassy as we go up in elevation which makes sense with the pressure changes. I just let them out and I don’t get up or anything. I just fart. Normally I would say it’s just air with the pressure changes and it’s mostly un noticeable.

However, the reason I’m posting and confessing this today is because recently I let one out and it was very bad. Extremely bad. My diet is not crazy either and pretty consistent, so I’m not sure what caused the terrible smell.

Unfortunately I was on a smaller plane and it filled the cabin. People were visibly upset. I’m not 100% certain of this but I think the flight attendant notified the captain about “a smell” in the cabin. People were looking for blood. I did not admit obviously and played it cool. I know it’s terrible but I am who I am. Good day.

I'm married to a wonderful person and am mostly happy with life. One of our friends (from a couple), I quite like. We get on, they're a good person, interesting, attractive, you get it. We have a laugh. They are in a couple, nothing more than friendship on all sides.

A few months ago, I saw a really old social media post this person had posted about an old CD that he had lost many many years back and kept meaning to replace it, and never got round to it. This social media post was not recent nor a popular one. I don't know how many people had seen it.

I found a pristine copy of this CD via eBay. I bought it, had it delivered to me. I bought a padded envelope and sent it to this person.

I have no intention of ever revealing it was me. The though this person opened up and saw something from their past that means something to them gives me a warm feeling. I hope they listen to it.

This sounds crazy but with some context hopefully it’s not!

I worked at a car dealership when I was 18 and before I left the job a REALLY cute mechanic gave me his number and insisted he could fix my old beater for me if I ever needed it. This was 2.5 weeks before I actually left but I gave my managers a months notice. I was the cashier at this dealership and had only said hi to this guy a couple of times, dapped him up, and stared from a distance.

I knew he was older but as I had just turned 18, I didn’t give a fuck. The oldest mechanic at the job was like your cool uncle who gave you shitty advice but always gave you money at parties so you stuck around to eventually like him. The guy who gave me his number was his work “son”

After a day of having each others numbers he asked if I had “asking him out for drinks but forgot”, knowing his moves I said let’s hangout the next day (Friday night) and we set a time.

I bought drinks, he bought shooters, he picked me up from my place after I snuck out and he drove us into the city (I lived roughly 15-20 mins away). We took detours, drank while he was driving, and we ended up at a bar in the city.

It was honestly the best hangout I had with a guy and couldn’t have predicted that we both got drunk, got back in the car, and drove around for a while more. We ended up at his dad’s auto body shop to just chill.

I honestly wish I could’ve told you the chain of events but I lost my virginity right then and there.

The next day at work, he kept coming up to me, making me smile, and the older mechanic DEFINITELY caught on. He smiled, laughed at what he noticed, but told me to be careful. If I was careful I wouldn’t have posted on here.

The Sunday following I realized I had forgotten my purse and asked him to drive me back to the bar, and the same exact scenario from Friday played out again.

Monday we both worked and I told my older mechanic about it instantly and his face went pale. He then proceeded to tell me how this guy lived with his baby momma, had a kid I didn’t know about, and a kid on the way. The older mechanic said no one knew if he was single or not, but he clearly was single if he was doing that with me. Right?

I don’t know if I should’ve known or what preventative steps I could’ve taken but oh my gosh my life was so fucked.

EDIT-This was a couple years ago, I didn’t use protection (So fucking stupid), I didn’t end up pregnant. To make matters worse I was still in hs and had to buy $50 plan b because he refused to pay after not pulling out. Not proud of any part of this. I have learned from my mistakes definitely

I am 18F and when I was around 6 to still now my mom was overall not a great mom to me, she would make sexual comments about my body make up sexual fantasies and tell the whole family she would tell me stuff like how she wishes she never had me, and then other times she’ll say how she can’t wait for me to get rich and save her from her poverty. She drinks alot multiple full bottles of alcohol a day, her door is always closed and whenever we try and see her she’ll ignore us or shout at us to get out.

She spends most her time on tik tok or just her phone in general, 90% of her day she’s on the phone when one phone call ends she’s literally onto the next. The only exception is my older sister who she will always welcome and cherish and give her anything she asks for, my older sister doesn’t even live with us anymore she has a whole family. My mom will often tell me that she’ll leave and move out and buy a house so her and my older sister can live in. Due to all of this I’ve been alone alot of my life my mom sleeps in the living room since her and my dad hate each other but live in the same house, so that means we don’t have a place to gather as a family so everyone stays in their rooms all day and only come out to eat.

I had unlimited access to the internet as a kid and discovered porn really early at like 7 and from then on it’s messed me up, I was on a 2 week streak and I’ve broken it again because my mom did something that got me mad but I couldn’t do anything she was making those sexual fantasies up again and telling my uncle and grandma. And it’s easier said then done speaking up I’m a shy person because I’ve only really had myself to talk to and so when she says these stuff to them and I say no I didn’t it’s not enough to counter it she’ll just speak over me and louder and she’s so enthusiastic about it and it’s annoying. One of them is she says that I let my dog do sexual stuff to me which is NOT true, she says this because I bring him to my room to sleep and if anyone of you reading this has a pet especially a dog you’ll know that the will prefer your bed over theirs and she doesn’t care about the dog so she doesn’t know that and so she’ll just say weird stuff to everyone. And then when she complains about my dad to me and I tell her that she’s the one that married him and had us she’ll start saying that I’m having sex with him that’s why I’m defending him and I’m so baffled I don’t even know how to answer and it’s all just messed me up. When I was a kid I kissed her on the cheek and she turned her head and it hit her lips and she started telling everyone I was a lesbian I was 6 here I didn’t know what a lesbian was but it didn’t sound like a good thing because of her tone, yet I was just re-enacting what I had seen parents kissing their kids when I was at school, my mom didn’t take me to school I had to walk myself since I was 6 and she never gave me any hugs, kisses or anything.

A lot of people will tell me to move out which is very much the goal but I turned 18 a week ago so I’m still in school and have like 7 months left of it. I started a calorie deficit but when my grandma and uncle came round she took my food item and then started prodding at my food telling them I can’t cook, I don’t think she gets the point of the deficit because I’m not eating overly seasoned food or anything I’m trying to keep it strict and before I was on the deficit I would binge eat takeaway which she would mock me for so it’s like I can’t win. She doesn’t do anything in the house she can’t use the washing machine, air fryer or she doesn’t clean or cook for us only herself. And a lot of the time I really really wish I had like a proper mother figure, it’s always been a deep want and now I’m 18 I know it’s too late I’ve never come to her with my problems, I got bullied in all 3 of my schools they would say I smelled because my parents never brought me deodorant I was around 9 here, and would make fun of my hate because I’d do it myself I was around 7 here too. However, when my older sister got bullied my mom took her out of the school and went back and forth with the school to make current sister got everything she wanted. Because I’ve lived with my mom so long moving out and never speaking to her again sounds wrong and I always think about how others will feel too much so I know I’ll maybe cave and I guess that’s why I hate myself because I see my situation and who I’ve become yet I don’t know what to do exactly.

I posted something a few days ago about sort of gaming the system at Alltel in order to win an iPod. I just remembered another thing I used to do there. This story is comparatively light-hearted.

I hated being in customer service. I hated talking on the phone with people and I always felt drained by the end of the day. So I figured I would see what I could do to make my own fun. When I was in training, I asked my trainer if I could take calls in an accent; she looked confused and said, "No one's ever asked that before. Let me find out."

When she got back to me, she said it would be fine as long as a) I used my real name and b) spoke in such a way that people could understand exactly what I was saying. That made sense to me. I'm in the US, and unfortunately my British accent is lacking, so my next thought was to try taking my calls in an Australian accent.

Once I started doing this, I noticed that the people I spoke to were consistently nice to me. Even when people called in with a complaint or a problem, it became clear that customers just didn't want to yell and scream at what they assumed was an Australian guy. So I took just about every call I could in that accent, and for the time I was there, it made my job just a little bit less stressful.

A couple quick notes about this:

• I did not use any of the typical Australian idioms that are associated with Crocodile Dundee or anything. I never said "Crikey!" on a call even once. I used the exact words and phrases I would have used without an accent.
• I'm sure my accent wasn't amazing, but it was good enough that I was never called out by a customer for not being Australian. However, sometimes if I was feeling particularly goofy, I would take an entire call in the accent but then switch back to my real voice on whatever the last thing I said was (it was usually "Thanks for calling Alltel; you have a great day, now").
• The people who sat near me thought it was hilarious.
• Alltel management never gave me a hard time about it.
• This was back in 2007; I am very thankful to have not had a customer-facing job since then. I have also ditched the accent, which is probably for the best.

EDIT: One other thing! I also recognize that I was super lucky to be able to do this at Alltel. I had worked at Verizon before I migrated to Alltel, and at Verizon, the initial greeting you hear when you call in is pre-recorded and plays automatically when a call comes in (or at least that's how it worked in 2006). At Alltel we had to do our own greeting on every call, so I was able to get away with using the accent when I wanted to and not use it when I was too tired to keep up the charade.

Ironically, Alltel was absorbed into Verizon in 2009, but luckily I was already gone by then.

I wake up every morning, put them on to watch YouTube or binge shows or just music, and don't remove them till I get a headache or must sleep.

I work from home and this has become a huge problem because I am unable to use my brain on work tasks because I am more focused on what's happening on my phone.

As a result, my work suffers. The quality, quantity everything.

I then end up working late nights, holidays, weekends, just so I can finish work before deadlines.

But I am still always late.

I do like my work, don't love it, but most don't so I don't want to be ungrateful.

My manager and his manager, I like them both, so I feel really bad having to say sorry again and again for missing deadlines.

Now I am worried I will be fired because many at my company are getting fired for various reasons and my job is not very difficult to learn.

Now, my phone is not required for my job so I can just keep it in another room, but I am unable to focus on my job still, I feel irritated/bored, so I bring the phone back.

I cannot work from a co-working space because I don't earn enough.

I cannot go to the office because it's in another country.

It has also caused me to gain weight as I am always sitting with phone in front of me.

I am quite fed up at this point.

Any advice?

I just returned to the US after four years in South Africa, where I became addicted to passion fruits. They grow wild on vines and cost about a $1 for a 1lb bag of them in South Africa. There's no way I'm paying Bezos $3.50 per passionfruit. I take off their stickers and put them in the bottom of a red plum paper crate or container and voila! It's wrong, I know. Hence the sub.

Any other fruit kleptos out there?!

I am a 27 year old guy and feel like I serve no purpose at this point. For context I have high functioning autism if that helps. I hate what I see in the mirror every day. I’m overweight and I want to improve my body but I never feel like I’m able to. I started weight loss medication but so far haven’t felt any different. I have low testosterone and have to do injections. I never feel like how a man should because I can’t do so many manly things like build stuff or change a tire or stuff that men are associated with. I have 2 jobs and get paid well but I feel like I have nothing to show for it. I am going to be a homeowner but it’s because my parents are getting it for me and I’m paying them back. I feel like I don’t deserve it and question why me when there’s people probably more deserving. I don’t have many friends either. I was bullied a lot in school and feel like it’s affected me a lot as an adult now. I have never been attractive to women either. I’ve only been on a few dates and nothing worked out. I have zero confidence when it comes to that anyway but something is clearly wrong with me. The most pathetic thing about me is that over the last few years I’ve been paying women from Fetlife to fulfill my needs. Never sex but other things and I know how pathetic it is but it feels good in the moment. I feel like at this point if I got in a relationship it would be over because she’d think less of me for this stuff. I’ve never told my parents either because I know ho much they’d judge me for it so I’ve been hiding it. I recently posted pictures of myself on Reddit asking if I was ugly and most people said yes. I did get hit on by a guy in my DMs and it felt good so I went along with it because it felt good to be desired for once even though I wished it was a woman the whole time. I regretfully sent him pictures of me in my underwear though and have been regretting that ever since. Before you ask yes I’ve tried therapy and it has never worked for me. I’ve had several therapists over the course of my life and I don’t think it ever helped even as a kid. What’s even the point of going on? I have no family near me anyway because my parents aren’t here full time and I feel so alone. I just want to find love.

I was good at everything till 9th grade started, be it academics or extra curriculars or just anything at the point. I did fail a subject yeah but my parents didn't gaf about my grades, NEVER. They took me on a day trip so that I would feel better. I changed programmes at school even tho most subjects remained the same its like I'm unlearning everything and it just sucks too much. The only level im getting is a 1 that too for attempt.

My parents told me I need to start focusing on studies for the first time, and during my biology summative I cheated on one of the tests using ai. It may seem like why the fuck would I do smth like that but istg i do not want to let my parents down. When the teacher confronted about this to me today I act normal and just denied cheating, I told my parents I didn't cheat and also the few teachers who trust me. I later realised that they were monitoring our screens using blocksi and they do have proof that I used ai and now I'm going to loose my phone and laptop now. The trust I've built over years is going down and it's just going to be impossible. To make things worse my parents think I've been studying, i try hard, I really do, but I just can't understand whatever is going on in class. My term ends start next week and I'm probably gonna be disowned or smth if I don't score well because the school cordinators are going to call my parents if I don't do well in that. My parents have really high expectations and I can't blame them either, if I decide to pursue future studies in the US these levels would be visible and so will the AD(academic dishonesty) i will get in the bio summative. I do not have a family business or any financial leg to stand in either. And istg ad is wayy worse than getting a 1 or a 2. I do not know what to do so i would be really really grateful is someone could help. Istg I'm not this kind of person and I just cant do studies right now I genuinely need a break but I can't get one cuz studies are serious asf.

It sounds stupid- I know. I just feel very guilty about it. I’m in a bad financial spot, and trying to make some fast money. I feel guilty accepting the money but I know I need the money.

So, this was 2016 when I bought my current house.

At the end of my new garden under a pile of brambles, was 16 metal beer barrels like the ones pubs use.
All of them had the plugs removed, all of them were empty, I dont think there was any more than two or three from the same brewery, some of them were so corroded or dirty they were unidentifiable.

I had a hire van for a while so I loaded some of them up and took them to the local refuse tip.
I was turned away and told they were commercial waste and I was not allowed to bring commercial waste to the tip.

In my local authority area there are 3 refuse dumps, so I tried the other 2 and was turned away fro the same reasons.

There is a huge scrap metal yard that scraps cars etc near me, so I went to them.
They told me the barrels were stamped with brewery markings and belonged to the brewery.
Apparently you dont buy the barrels, you buy the beer and the brewery take the empties when they swap them for full ones.
That would probably mean these were stolen and they couldnt legally take them.

I was advised t speak to the breweries.
I rang 4 different breweries that were stamped on the barrels and they all told me that they would come and get them if there were 16 barrels that were all from the same brewery, but for 2 or 3 old correded barrels they didnt want to know and said just take them to the local dump.

I phoned the local council and spoke to various departments including envoirenmental waste services and waste management, and just got told repeatedly that I could not take them to the dump because it was classed as commercial waste.
The council could not arrange to collect them if I paid, again because it was classed as commercial waste.
And there was nothing they could do, it wasnt a council issue and it was not thier problem.

Eventually after about 6 months or so of trying to dispose of them and offering money for them to be taken, I got so frustrated I hired a self drive van and in 2 trips I took them to a local park car park at night time and stacked them in the corner of the car park so they became the local councils problem.

The stupid thing is I was willing to take them to a legitimate waste site, and/or pay (and I tried to pay) to have them taken away but all the rules made it literally illegal for me to have any possible way to legally dispose of them.

I never once felt guilty about dumping them.

I'm part of a really competitive gardening club. Everyone always tries to one-up each other with rare or exotic plants. I got tired of it. So for our last plant exchange I decided to have a little fun.

I went to a nursery and bought some common marigolds and petunias. Then I carefully removed their original tags. At home I made new fancy labels for them. Things like "Tibetan Blue Poppy" or "Peruvian Night Blooming Cereus". I even researched a few made-up Latin names to put on the tags.

Watching everyone politely admire my supposed rare specimens was hilarious. A few people even started asking for propagation tips. I just gave them vague answers. I know it's mean but it was so satisfying to see their confused faces when their 'rare' plants started blooming with common flowers. I still haven't told anyone.

21M.

I cut a friend out of my life simply because she was too friendly, kind, caring, and affectionate.

Without any explanation. I just started avoiding her, steering clear of places where she might be, declining invitations, and not responding to her messages.

And I feel like a jerk for it.

I was sex abused as child and teen, and i think that completely destroyed my ability to set boundaries, my self-worth, and my capacity to say "no."

During my teen years and the beginning of college, I always struggled to recognize when someone was interested in me. By the time I realized it, it was usually "too late", and the "no" never came out, not being interested (which was pretty much always). I’m not sure if it was an unconscious fear of the consequences of saying no, or a belief that "no" just wasn't an option. I’m not proud of this at all.

In college, I started dating someone, and we’ve been together for two years now. It was the first time I truly wanted and sought out a relationship, and it’s been incredible. It’s the thing I value most in my life today.

However, the way I relate to others has shifted.

This recognized inability to set boundaries has left me with an intense fear that, because I can’t set those limits, or recognize the signals, I might end up being unfaithful.

As a result, whenever someone is particularly kind, pleasant, physically affectionate, or shows a lot of interest, my brain triggers an alarm, and I simply cut that person out of my life. No explanation. Nothing.

That happened with that friend. She is very close to my partner, and it’s creating discomfort.

I can't explain her why i did it.

I don’t know what to do to change this.

I am sorry.

This took place around 7 months ago at a party with my at the time girlfriend. I was going through a super weird time I had just started antidepressants (fluoxetine) and I felt like I was viewing the world through a screen everything felt abnormal. Anyway I wanted to go to the party to let off some steam and celebrate my girlfriends birthday I was never a big drinker and after a month of being on the meds I was yet to drink on them and instead of pacing myself I dived straight in leading to what I can only describe as a perplexing and terrifying blackout all I remember is this feeling of fear as well as self loathing I ended up being quite violent and apparently trying to hit a close friend of mine as well as making sexual comments my girlfriend and my friend. The only thing I remember when I fell of the deep end outside of pure emotion is being taken to a spare room by my girlfriend’s dad. The next day my girlfriend essentially told me what had gone down and I felt an unbelievable amount of shame and guilt immediately apologising to her and everyone she chose not to talk to me and broke up with me a week later, I wasn’t upset she did this to be honest I expected I was upset I ruined her party and just made her feel bad in general. The next few months after that were pretty horrible I stopped taking the meds as I was constantly on edge and anxious I was eventually forced to leave my school for a few weeks due to my deteriorating mental health who ch was clear to my teachers as well as the school counsellor. I never used my poor mental state or mix with antidepressants to justify my behaviour, at the end of the day I decided to drink, some people honestly brushed it off immediately no one hated me or anything or viewed me as evil for i, the only person who does is myself I keep picturing myself as some disgusting guy who preys on woman due to my sexual comments and I hate myself for it. Even 7 months later while everyone’s moved on I’m still stuck in a state of self loathing and self hatred even though I’ve done everything I can to make things right.

Edited to paragraph

Before I start, this has nothing to do with suicide. I am simply going to run away. I also am sorry if this is all over the place I don't know where to start. I do not remember fully what happened to me as a kid, I just remember it was aweful and I get memories of abuse in bits to the point where I want to crawl out of my skin.

Ever since I was a tween I started lying about myself to protect myself from future abuse I think, I remember seeing everyone as an enemy no matter how nice they were, I always thought they were going to hurt me in one way or another, but for the life of me I cant remember what happened to me, I don't remember any of my childhood it all comes out in blurs, Ive read stuff I've wrote as a kid that I turned into school, about not liking the feeling of hands on my throat or saying it was 5pm and something was going to happen, I had visceral full body reaction upon reading my one old journal as a kid but I don't know what I was talking about or what was going on.

I seemed happy in some, talking about minecraft and how I claimed to see Herobrine and how I loved my 3DS. I get bits from my grandparents since they raised me, about how I was kidnapped for three days and dumped at a fire station and was never the same, I don't remember the so called friends that brought me to the 7/11 next to my house and gave me over to a man. I know I started lying, making up what I think happened to me, I started begging for anyone to listen. I got a phone very young, around 8, and I was glued to it, I know I was groomed, I know I was exposes to all the stuff the early 2010s internet had to offer, I know used to love drawing and had actual interest in fandoms and creating. I know I was somewhat popular on an app called amino, I know i was in and out of psych wards due a self harm addiction started at 9.

I know I was in Utah for a year where I was dismissed as just having social issues. I know I went into foster care because of my self destruction. I want to be firm I was never violent to other, just myself. I would hurt myself in ways like cutting or exploting myself, I would put myself in bad situations just because. I know when I was only 9 I lost my virginity to some 16 year old girl in the psychward. I know in foster care I only got worse, I was thrown from house to house, because of my own doing. I was constantly running away for no good reason, I was sleeping with men three times my age off Grindr or other sites just because. I was getting worse, I got into smoking weed because everyone at the houses I went to did. I was a sheep, I did anything to blend in, I helped "friends" get drugs by sleeping with older guys, I didn't even do any of the harder drugs, I just wanted the thrill I think. I think I liked how they made me feel, I felt real.

I always lied about my age, since I got my phone, I always told everyone I was 19, and being around that age now it horrifys me known a 19 year old does not act like how I did. I know I got in relationships over and over, I cheated on every one, I told them all I loved them the same way, I gave my heart to all of them without actually feeling anything. I don't look for anyone I've hurt now but I overhear a lot of them still consider me a saint and one of there favorite boyfriends. I want to feel awful but I can't. I don't understand relationships, I don't understand humans I think. Im human, I know I am, I know I'm a bad person but still human. But to see people dedicate there life to someone, to mourn, to yearn.

I don't get it. I don't think I've ever grieved anyone, not even my ex who shot himself in front of me. People tell me it was DV, that him hitting me and doing things against my will wasn't okay, I don't understand how him doing that stuff to me would cause me any distress. I don't think about him at all despite the fact he was literally two feet in front of me when he blew his brains out. I don't think about how he chased me with a loaded gun and held me down telling me he was going to kill me. It doesn't affect me. I was homeless at 16 and slept around to live, I had a couple partners then I all broke it off with, I move multiple states to live with a groomer I eventually turned into the police because he wasn't loving me right.

I don't know what I wanted from him, he was around 40 making a 16 year old sleep in a homeless shelter and only picking me up for sex. I lied about being raped by my ex boyfriend at 14, I don't know why. Maybe I was mad he was best friends with my groomer even after he knew what happened with him. I mean, I was cheating on him with my groomer the entire time, my groomer left me too, saying I was a bad person for lying about rape and became friends with my ex. I'm still sorry, I know it was awful of me, I don't know why I did it. From what I know they lived together for a bit in the end but ended up getting in a massive fight and breaking paths. I never reached out to my ex to say sorry, I literally made his life hell, for what? I don't know.

As of right now I have a partner, he hits me too but he says sorry and cries about how he doesn't want to be like his dad, hes a lazy slob who makes me do everything and expects me to feel sorry. I don't know if I do or if I'm just with him because it's housing til I can leave. I have friends who would die for me, I have been entertaining like three of them with romance knowing I'm going to leave soon. I lie to them, tell them I left my partner and some I'm somewhere not where I am. I swear up and down to my partner he's the only one for me and I want a life with him. I don't. I've been saving money while acting like I've just been impulsivly buying things, I've been myself a whole fake personality with interests and dreams. I once got told by a friend I have such a strong personality and they could tell me apart from anyone else they knew. I'm not who I say I am.

I'm friends with people my friends hate so when I leave they'll realize I was a liar and it'll hurt less. Despite how much I don't think I can feel I still don't want them to hurt, I don't want me leaving to hurt them I want them to hate me. I don't know how I keep getting away with lying, my lucks going to run out so I'm fighting the clock. I don't know why I'm like this, I fake being scared of guns, I fake panic attacks so realistic doctors believe me, I have convinced my friends I have disorders I don't have so well they laugh about people faking that disorder to me and all I can do is laugh with them. I have been responding less and less, saying I'm tired, my partner works most days all day so I just sleep. I try to act like Im sorry for sleeping and they believe me, they say I hope feel better and they love me.

I don't know whats wrong with me, I don't know why I cant feel anything, it's genuinely making me insane, I want to yearn, i want to feel love and I want to have real connections. I plan to leave once my grandma dies, despite her causing me so much pain I know she loves me and she is trying, I cannot do that to her. I don't want her to live out the rest of her life wondering if I'm okay. Once she dies, which her kidney issues are getting worse, I'm leaving everything, I'm going to get on a train and find somewhere, I've been saving so long, I've been waiting and now maintaining the relationships I've made up to keep myself out of suspicion is getting to difficult. I cant do anything, I'm tired. I just want to get out of here, I want to start a new life.

I don't know if I'll even attempt another relationship or friendship once I'm out of here, I probably will just work and work, it's the only thing that makes me happy, keeping my hands busy. Theres a lot I left out and a lot I don't remember, I just needed to get this off my chest, I feel like I just want someone to hear me, the real me. I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm an awful person who's going to run from my problems because help seems impossible. I just want to be seen as one and know I should leave. I cant keep hurting others anymore.

Lowkey one of the weirdest things about being lonely is how good you get at hiding it.
I’ll be laughing with people all day then get home and suddenly feel like nobody actually knows me like that. I can go hours without talking to anyone and act like I don’t care but the second somebody texts me first I catch myself smiling at my phone like an idiot. The embarrassing part is I remember the smallest things people do for me because it happens so rarely that I don’t know how to act when someone genuinely gives a damn. I wish I could stay I’m used to being alone but honestly I’m just good at making it look that way. Sometimes I wonder how many people think I’m happy just because im good at pretending.

So the title may be a little misleading.

I have a gambling and drinking problem. When these get mixed together, a few times over the past few months I’ve done some dumb shit. For people that play card games at casinos, this is a big no no.

So basically on a few isolated occasions, when I had a losing hand, I snuck $5-$15 in chips off my bet so I wouldn’t lose it. No one ever said anything about it, no security, dealer intervention, pit bosses never said a word

Last night I got caught. The dealer essentially gave me a stern warning and said “you can’t do that man.”, and I corrected the mistake. That scared me away. I got up, moseyed around for a while, then sat down at a different table and continued to play. I left and got my money without any confrontation. The situation was never escalated past the point of the dealer saying that to me.

This morning I woke up with the worst hangxiety of all time. I’ve been searching up stories of people getting charged for this type of thing.

Obviously, I’m never setting foot back in there agin. It’s a tribal casino and I don’t live on tribal land, nor am I Native American. I’m just losing my band.

Yes, I’m going to an AA meeting tomorrow.

People have recently been calling me a jerk for playing a prank on my neighbor and her garden, but to understand why I thought it was all in good fun, you have to understand the kind of chaotic humor our neighborhood has always had. And how she had the kind of humor that matched my prank of her.

Back when my neighbor ( in her early 30s when this story takes place) was growing up, our town had a legendary local watering hole, Flanagan's. Back when the drinking age was 18, the running joke was that Flanagan's would serve anyone tall enough to reach the counter. It was a walkable neighborhood spot with dart leagues, trivia, costume contests, and billiard tournaments. The owners (named Flanagan) were big personalities who loved the spotlight (and the cash).

Eventually, they sold the bar and moved away, and the new owners got busted for serving minors, causing the place to shut down for good.

Fast forward years later: the original owners moved back to town. They ran into my neighbor at the supermarket, recognized her, and invited her to "stop by for a beer" that evening to catch up.

My neighbor took that invitation and ran with it. She called up a bunch of her old crew and told them there was a massive welcome back party at the Flanagan's new house.

She even bought a keg, hot dogs, chips, and party supplies, leaving them with me to bring over. She told me to invite my high school friends, and word spread like wildfire.

She showed up at their house at 7:00 PM, casually mentioning she told a few old friends they were back. By 7:30 PM, a complete mob of people, mostly strangers and high school kids, showed up at their front door. My friends and I rolled up right on cue with a keg and arms full of food.

Their house was completely overrun by an impromptu party. To their credit, the Flanagans took it surprisingly well, relaxed, and joined in on the fun catching up with old faces.

Now for my confession: I drank way too much that night. Around 9:00 PM, I felt a wave of nausea and stumbled toward what I genuinely thought was the bathroom. It was not the bathroom. It was their main hallway linen closet. I threw up all over a stack of brand new, freshly folded towels they had just bought for their new home.

I was so wasted and panicked that I just shut the closet door and walked away without cleaning a single thing up. Nobody saw me do it, and no one knew it was me. The party wound down around 10:00 PM, and everyone left.

It was originally meant to be a harmless, funny neighborhood prank, but I completely abused their hospitality and ruined their new towels. I still feel guilty about it to this day. But I think it tells you a little bit more about my neighbor. She wasn't just some innocent little flower.

EDIT: This is where I discuss a prank I pulled on her: https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/s/Yb0Gbh8Mws