36M autistic, I turn 37 exactly one week from now on Saturday the 24th. This year has been the worst year of my whole life, and the stress and depression has been unbearable.

I am not sure what to do. Maybe just want to talk. I feel like not wanting this birthday and do not want to live through what is likely to be the worst birthday of my life.

Life is genuinely so hard. I’m so tired of people telling me things will get better because when? I’m so, so exhausted. I’m tired of living in this constant cycle of pain, loneliness and heartbreak. Everyone leaves me. I have absolutely no one, and I genuinely feel like no one likes me. No matter how hard I try, I always end up alone. People say the most horrible things about me, to the point where sometimes I don’t even want to leave my house. I constantly question what’s so wrong with me and why I’m never good enough for anyone. I’m tired of crying, overthinking and feeling this constant heaviness in my chest. I just want to feel loved and wanted for once. If it wasn’t for my faith, God knows where I’d be right now. I’m genuinely so tired of everything. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I guess I just want someone to hear me because I have nobody.

Nothing make sense now-a-days. Nothing makes me happy Nothing makes me Sad. Working Feel alot of work and Then When I am in bed I spend 2 days straight in bed just getting out for breakfast, dinner and bathroom breaks and then not working feels alot. I don't know what I am doing to my life.

Whatever I do is never enough all I get to hear is that I'm careless and irresponsible tho I'm constantly working on it . Nobody acknowledges my efforts and actions. I'm very cautious in whatever I do just so nobody gets angry or md but all they tend to see are my flaws . They have problems in what ever I do .

I'm going through a weird mix of sweet and sour feelings right now, and I could use some outside perspective.

I'm 22, she's 24, and she's the first person I've dated where I've started questioning whether being a good person and being compatible with someone are two completely different things.

A little background: I've already finished college, and I'm currently applying to graduate school. I'm doing a research internship, and I spend a lot of my free time reading, watching old movies, studying Latin for fun, and generally being a bit of a nerd. I'm not particularly exciting, and I'd probably describe myself as a pretty boring, consistent person. I like intellectual conversations, learning things, and being curious about the world.

She's still in university, has BPD, and is planning to spend three months in the US soon. I live in Latin America, so that's going to be another challenge for us. I also have a vasectomy and don't plan on getting married anytime soon. We've talked about this, and while she says she doesn't want children either, she does want to get married. I don't, at least not in the foreseeable future. So, realistically, I suspect we might have an expiration date, even if neither of us wants to acknowledge it yet.

But the biggest issue isn't the distance or even our different plans for the future. It's our conversations.

I feel like most of our conversations revolve around her, her feelings, her experiences, and how she's dealing with things. I don't mind being there for my partner, but she rarely asks me questions about myself, my work, my interests, or even how I think about things. I genuinely can't remember another person I've dated who seemed so uninterested in asking questions about me.

And I don't mean that she has to be interested in my research specifically. I mean that feeling of someone being curious about your inner world. Asking why you think the way you do, what you care about, what you want to accomplish, or what you find interesting about something.

Our intellectual conversations are almost nonexistent. We mostly talk about gossip and everyday drama, and honestly, I'm getting tired of it. We have great sex, so maybe that's part of why the relationship works as well as it does. We have physical chemistry, she's pretty, and there are sweet moments. But outside of that, I'm struggling to identify what makes me feel deeply connected to her.

Our interests and worldviews are also pretty different. She enjoys Fast & Furious, Bad Bunny, reggaeton, astrology, and manifestation. I enjoy some pretty different things. I'm not saying her interests are inferior or that mine make me smarter than her. People can enjoy whatever they want. But I think I'm realizing that I want a partner with whom I can share more of my intellectual interests and have conversations that make me think.

I want to feel that excitement of discovering how someone's mind works, hearing their perspective, and wanting to keep talking to them for hours. I want to admire the way my partner thinks, not just find them attractive or enjoy spending time with them.

And I don't really feel that with her.

Part of me feels horrible even writing this. I know that enjoying different things doesn't make someone less intelligent, and I don't want to become the kind of person who thinks having a good GPA, doing research, or applying to prestigious graduate schools makes me inherently better than someone else. But another part of me wonders whether I've started realizing that I need a different kind of compatibility than I initially thought.

I'm working in research with a Harvard professor, applying to graduate school, and pursuing things that genuinely excite me. I want to be able to share that part of my life with someone. I don't need a partner with the same résumé or career ambitions, but I do want someone who is curious about what I do and has a rich inner world of her own that I can explore, too.

I also catch myself thinking that I could probably find someone I'm more intellectually compatible with. And then I feel awful, because that sounds arrogant and dismissive, especially when she's not a bad person. She's perfectly fine in many ways. She's attractive, we have chemistry, and I don't want to reduce her to the things we don't have in common.

Her BPD also means that I sometimes worry about how a breakup would affect her, although I know I can't make relationship decisions solely around that fear.

I think the uncomfortable truth might be that she's a good-looking person I enjoy having sex with, but I'm not sure I actually enjoy talking to her enough to build a life together. And since we already have some pretty significant differences regarding marriage and our future, I don't know whether I'm just delaying the inevitable.

Has anyone experienced this? How do you distinguish between being unnecessarily judgmental and recognizing that someone simply isn't compatible with you? Am I expecting too much from a relationship, or am I realizing that physical chemistry and affection aren't enough for me?

Everything is so wrong

I am 36M, turning 37 soon. My bırthday is on the 24th, less than 2 weeks from now. I am dreading my 37th bırthday and feel like I do not want this bırthday at all.

I feel awful and hopeless. Just wanting to talk, as I have no friends and thus no support system whatsoever.

I feel like i don’t know empty. Lonely. A void. I have a headache. My sleep schedule is messed up. I feel like a failure. Months of preparation for my admission exam destroyed my mental health and even after all that, I might not get admission to a good med uni. I don’t know what to think or do.

At times, the sadness is too empowering. I don’t know what to do to solve it. I don’t have many friends because most of them went offline after exams and didn’t come back online. I honestly don’t know what to do to feel better on average. The things I used to love I have no interest in anymore. I don’t know how to recover. I feel…..lost.

I started doing it a few days ago. I was cleaning underneath my bed. I was trying to reach something at the end and I found myself in the middle of the space. It felt huge. It felt vast. It felt safe.

Got this bedframe a few months ago by mistake thinking I was going to use the space underneath as space for my stuff but didn't really end up putting a lot of boxes or bags. Didn't expect I would end up like this after all these years of trying to deal with my issues.

I feel like this is absurd but so far I feel at ease. Anybody else feel the same? Save me if not.

Throwaway. I know I was stupid and I don’t need anyone else telling me where I went wrong, I know that but this has been stressing me out for like over half a year.

I was in desperate need for money and I posed on Reddit for advice. A guy messaged me saying that he would pay me for nudes. At first I didn’t wanna and asked for payment upfront, but he convinced me that he wasn’t comfortable because he’d been scammed before. I was really desperate and I wanted to believe that things would get better. I have never sent nudes to anyone but my boyfriend. He’s the only person I’ve ever even kissed.

I have nothing against sex work but it was never ever something I would have considered had I not been desperate. We get on telegram and he’s asking questions like he wants to get to know me and then the sexting starts. He’s asking for specific poses and stuff. I send them. I feel physically ill the whole time. Then we get to the end where he says he’s gonna cum soon and then boom the whole thing disappears in a fucking thanos snap animation. It felt like I was being mocked. I started flipping out and I texted him on Reddit, he said that all the pictures had been deleted in telegram. Then he blocked me. It’s been over a year and it still keeps me up at night, he’s never reached out.

I keep wondering if one day these pictures will come back and bite me and ruin my life and I haven’t felt normal or okay ever since. I feel disgusting in my body and not like myself. I don’t want to look nice or wear the things I used to wear. I don’t want to be seen anymore.
Thanks for reading.

Edit for paragraph spacing

I feel as though that all my life with the memories I’ve held have always been the ones where I always been ugly not physically but emotionally. It feels sad to only be able to know how ugly, selfish and angry person I am. And the more I think about it, the more lonely it feels, even though there are people out that have also felt this, but for some reason it’s still lonely. maybe it’s because even though people know this lonely feeling, it maybe hits different because I’m feeling and experiencing it. It’s also the fact that you know u could have treated your friends, family, and acquaintances a little bit better. But it just wasn’t your day, and you let ur emotions get the better of you on a human level. It’s crazy how easily people’s minds forget all the good that they have done and only focus on how much they could have been better, or maybe that’s just me?😭
Sorry if my English was terrible, I wasn’t really thinking about it as much as I was thinking about getting everything out my mind.