I don’t even really know where to start. I’m writing this because I feel incredibly alone in my experience as a mother, and I desperately need to hear from someone who has been through something similar and can help me see the light at the end of the tunnel, or tell me that I haven’t ruined my child, that he won’t grow up remembering me as an angry, miserable mother, and that things can get better.
I have two children, aged 4 and 2. I love them both more than anything, but my experience parenting each of them has been so drastically different that I am beginning to wonder if I’m the problem.
My 4 year old has always been a little different. Not in a bad way, but I noticed pretty early on that he was a little more particular than other babies. He’s always been very advanced, funny, curious, and verbal, but he’s also always been intense, sensitive, strong-willed, and emotionally reactive. Everything with him has the potential be a battle, and most times it is. Transitions, getting dressed, following directions, eating dinner, bedtime, you name it. The smallest things can very quickly turn into enormous meltdowns.
Didn’t answer his question the way he was expecting? Meltdown. Can’t answer him with certainty, meaning you say “sure,” “maybe,” or “I don’t know”? Meltdown. He asks YOU a question that you don’t understand? Meltdown. The list goes on. I genuinely feel like I’m walking on eggshells trying to avoid the next one. And lately I’ve almost been avoiding getting too engaged with him out of fear that I might do something to trigger an uncontrollable meltdown.
For additional context, we have pursued developmental/ behavioral evaluations due to some sensory and behavioral concerns, particularly his extreme rigidity and difficulty with transitions. So far, his initial assessments and feedback from his teachers haven’t suggested that he meets the full diagnostic criteria for ASD. Socially, he’s very typical for his age and doesn’t appear to have significant difficulties in that area. However, he does have notable sensory processing challenges and rigidity that affects our daily lives. We’re currently awaiting a formal ADOS assessment to explore things further and we’re actively trying to better understand his needs and how to support him.
That being said, I think my son has been more challenging from the start, but it wasn’t something I fully recognized until I had my daughter. I was an incredibly anxious first-time mom (still am if I am being honest) and he was a very particular baby. Looking back, so much of his infancy was spent in survival mode. I was constantly worried, overwhelmed, and questioning myself and every single decision I was making for him.
When I had my daughter, the entire experience felt so different. Mothering her has truly felt almost effortless in comparison, which even writing that out fills me with so much guilt and shame. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if my son’s early years were impacted by how much of that time I spent feeling overwhelmed and anxious. Whether he felt that, and if it impacted his development? Our attachment? Whether I had somehow failed him from the very beginning?
Now, here we are four years later and I feel like it’s only getting harder.
I wake up every day wanting to be patient, gentle, understanding, and fun. But by the afternoon, I’m often so emotionally depleted that I’m barely holding myself together.
92% of the time, he doesn’t listen to me, doesn’t cooperate, seems intentionally defiant, doesn’t really respond to changes in tone or attempts to de-escalate, and doesn’t seem to care even when I’m visibly frustrated or upset. I feel like I have absolutely no influence over him, and it’s incredibly defeating.
Then, 7% of the time, he’s eerily mature and insightful, helpful, follows instructions enthusiastically and without hesitation, and is just generally pleasant and a joy to be around. And the remaining 1% of the time, he’s a totally normal-tempered 4yr old who has tantrums within reason, is kind of whiny but redirectable, and is overall just a silly, goofy little boy.
And listen, I KNOW he’s only four. I know he is not responsible for managing my emotions, and I know he’s not intentionally making my life difficult. But knowing that doesn’t make it any easier in the moment. I feel like I am always correcting a behavior, repeating myself a thousand times, or eventually exploding and yelling. I hate that I get to that point. Sometimes I can manage to hold it together, but the sheer amount of mental energy I spend trying NOT to lose my patience leaves me completely exhausted.
I have ADHD, and I struggle greatly with anxiety and OCD so I know that some of this is related to my own struggles with emotional regulation and such. I sometimes just feel like our personalities and nervous systems are so similar, that we clash. Maybe I’m making his behavior worse with my own reactions. I genuinely don’t know anymore. (Yes I am in therapy, I have been for months. I am actually on the hunt for someone new)
Now, the worst part of this is that I don’t experience this level of stress with my daughter. Of course she’s a toddler and has difficult moments, but I feel capable of handling them. I have the capacity to be patient with her. I enjoy parenting her. And then I look at my relationship with my son and feel like an absolute failure of a mother for not being able to give him the same thing. It is not intentional, they just have wildly different temperaments. However, I am worried he might eventually start recognizing that something is different, or he might feel like he’s the “difficult” child, or worse, that he’s somehow less loved. Which is not the case, whatsoever.
I adore my son. He’s an amazing little person, and I want so desperately to give him a beautiful childhood. I want to be his safe place. I want him to trust me, and to remember me a mom who was fun and supportive, and most importantly I want him to feel unconditional love through it all.
He truly is such a cool kid. He has unique interests, asks complex questions, and understands more as a four year old than I do as an adult. He is unbelievably loving, thoughtful and empathetic. He cherishes his little sister and his family, and it’s one of the most beautiful things about him. I am SO proud that he is mine, and I actually can’t quite comprehend how my DNA contributed to such a bright and truly remarkable little boy.
But I’m really worried that instead of looking back on his childhood with fondness, he’ll only ever remember a mother who was always frustrated with him, who yelled too much, and who always seemed overwhelmed by him. That thought absolutely destroys me. Like…It literally keeps me up at night. I feel like my son deserves better, but at the same time, I’m at my absolute max capacity. I feel like I’ve exhausted every parenting philosophy, book, and approach I can think of and frankly, at this point, I don’t know how to be better for him.
So I guess what I am asking is: has anyone else experienced anything like this? Or felt this level of mismatch with one child but not another? Is this normal?? Am I the problem??
I would especially love to hear from parents whose children are older now, who struggled with similar feelings when their kids were little. What does your relationship look like today?
And for anyone wondering, I also have a golden retriever of a husband who is endlessly patient and supportive, and who probably deserves better, too. 🙃