I am not The OOP, OOP is [deleted]

AITA for asking my boyfriend to help me repay for some of my makeup he accidentally broke?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Original Post  Nov 20, 2020

Okay so, I already probably sound like an AH, and I feel as though I am too, because it was an accident, I just think I need somebody to bring it home for me.

Whenever my boyfriend trims his beard, he likes to clear off a section on the sink, on that section, usually sits my makeup bag, toothbrush pot, and some skincare bits. He usually puts all this stuff on the literal edge of the other side of the sink. I always tell him to please not to do that with my makeup bag at least, because it's full of expensive Clinique make-up products that cost at least £200. I'm 19, I can't afford to replace all that easily, I worked my butt off to save enough to get myself those makeup products as is.

Anyway, you probably know what's coming, once again, he was trimming his beard, and after the million times I told him not to put my makeup on the edge of the counter, he did it again, and surprise surprise, it fell and the majority smashed, the powders, highlighter, and eyeshadows all broke into little pieces, the foundation bottle broke in half, the only salvageable things in there was a mascara, an eyeliner and two lipsticks.

I was devastated, he told me I shouldn't be so emotionally invested in these monetary objects and said if I didn't want it to fall I should have moved it somewhere else in the first place.

I asked him if he could help me replace at least the foundation and eyeshadows, but he said it wasn't his fault because it was an accident.

AITA for asking in the first place?

Edit: just to clarify where my makeup bag sat, it was in a very safe position on my side of the counter, I told him when he trims his beard he can move the makeup anywhere else on the sink, just not the edge, our sink is one of those double counter ones and there's plenty of space to put things on.

Edit 2: to add on from the first edit as I was asked to add this bit- we have one sink which has counter space on both ends. One side is his and he doesn't like moving everything and getting beard hairs on his stuff so he uses my side when shaving, which is much more minimalist, so he only has to move the makeup bag which always goes on the edge for whatever godforsaken reason.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

kkpls

NTA. Idk how your relationship works, but in mine, if I were to break something, intentional or not, it’s would still be my fault.

Not only did your boyfriend knock your expensive products over, he was the one who put them there in the first place against your wishes. Imma say he’s a the AH. A big one.

Rat_Kin

He's also an asshole for using her side at all:

"One side is his and he doesn't like moving everything and getting beard hairs on his stuff so he uses my side when shaving"

What kind of prick makes a mess all over someone else's toiletries because he doesn't want his own beard hair on his stuff?

~

enonymousCanadian

How old is he? At 19 you are really young to be living together - moving from your mums house to living with your girlfriend can lead to people who don’t know how to live with their equals (in terms of household responsibilities).

OOP

He is 26.

~

NanaLeonie

NTA. tbh, I can’t imagine how all that makeup got broken, especially if it was in a bag, from a single fall, unless he stomped on it a few times. Y’all have been having a territorial dispute over the sink staging area and this destruction is part of it. (Sorry if I sound all conspiracy theory here, but I drop my makeup fairly often without 1/20th the damage.)

OOP

It was the actual powdered products that broke, like the setting powders, blushes, eyeshadows etc... The outside was relatively okay but the actual product is what just burst. At this rate I might have to just try and press it back into its container as a way to salvage some product.

I reckon it's also the hard, ceramic floor that might have really messed with it, because I've dropped that bag myself before on carpeted floor and the worst that happened was a few compacts clicked open.

cara180455

I’ve dropped palettes on my tiled bathroom floor more times then I can count and they didn’t break so it’s weird that so many did.

OOP

People have been saying this, my god, I really hope he didn't do anything to purposefully mess with it, I was at work when this happened so I can't for sure say what actually took place.

BoundaryStompingMIL

Honestly, it comes across to me like he has issues with your makeup in general. It feels like he wanted a way to get rid of it.

OOP

I wouldn't be surprised, he says he prefers me without makeup, mind you, he always says things like that when I'm wearing natural makeup!

Either way, I'm still going to save up and try to buy a few bits back, hopefully the current Clinique offers are still available in the next month haha.

OOP Made a final update Nov 22, 2020 (2 Days Later/Same Post)

Final edit: well, I brought it up again after all your comments, he's not budging on helping with the cost. And the biggest thing of all, a lot of you were right, it wasn't an accident, it was deliberate, so I'll leave it at that. Thanks to you all, I've come to realize that this may not be the healthiest relationship for me to be in, I've spoken to my mum so she knows what's going on and I'll probably be gathering my things to move out soon. I definitely wasn't expecting for things to take such a turn today, but I am thankful for all your comments and the people who private messaged me with helpful resources. So thank you all for taking the time of day to write and reply to me :) -Yui

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Majestic-Megan-3637

Originally posted to r/AmITheJerk

AITJ for banning my sister from picking up my daughter after she left her at school and lied to me about it?

Trigger Warnings: deception, neglect

Original Post: October 6, 2026

My sister has been helping me with my daughter’s school pickups for the last few months. She picks her up twice a week because my work schedule makes those days difficult. I’ve always been grateful for the help, and until now I’ve never had a problem with it.

Last week, my daughter was supposed to be picked up at 3:30.

At around 4:15, I got a call from the school asking if there had been a change in plans because my daughter was still there.

I was confused because my sister was supposed to have picked her up.

I called my sister and asked where they were. She immediately said she had already picked my daughter up and that they were on their way home.

I called my daughter’s school again and they confirmed she was still there.

I called my sister back and asked her what was going on. After going back and forth for a few minutes, she finally admitted that she had left my daughter at the school because she “had something she needed to take care of” and thought she would be able to come back before anyone noticed.

She hadn't told me she was going somewhere else.

She hadn't told the school.

She hadn't told my daughter.

My daughter had apparently been waiting with one of her teachers wondering where her aunt was.

I was furious.

I told my sister that she wasn't allowed to pick my daughter up from school anymore. If she couldn't make the pickup, all she had to do was tell me and I could make other arrangements. Instead, she decided on her own that leaving an 8-year-old at school was fine as long as she came back before I found out.

My sister thinks I'm being completely unreasonable. She says my daughter was never actually alone, the school was still open, and she only left because something unexpected came up. She also pointed out that she's been helping me for months and that I'm acting like she deliberately abandoned my child.

My mom agrees with my sister and says I'm throwing away free childcare over one mistake. She keeps telling me that my daughter was safe the entire time and that I should be more understanding.

I don't think the issue is whether my daughter was technically safe. The issue is that my sister agreed to pick her up, left her there without telling anyone, and then lied to me when I called.

But maybe I'm being too harsh because she really was doing me a favor by helping with pickups in the first place.

AITJ?

TL;DR: My sister was supposed to pick up my 8-year-old daughter from school, but left her there to deal with something else without telling anyone. When I called, she initially lied and said she had already picked my daughter up. I banned her from doing school pickups anymore, and now my sister and mom think I'm overreacting.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Who knows what else she has lied about regarding your child. The biggest issue for me would be the lying

OOP: Yes exactly, that’s my issue the fact she was so comfortable lying about it to me

Commenter 2: I would look into after school care at the school , YMCA or boys and girls club . Don't rely on family.

OOP: There are some fun after school activities like karate, homework club and an arts and crafts class. Might have to see which one interests kiddo the most and sign them up for one

Commenter 3: And what about the teacher who couldn't go home to their own family. With no idea if or when the child would be picked up?

OOP: Well the teacher would be there regardless because her work isn’t over.

Commenter 3: My daughter is a teacher. When the kids leave, she leaves too.

OOP: Okay? Not every school is the same though. Teachers at our school stay after dismissal to grade papers, plan lessons and complete any other administrative tasks. The school also runs after school activities like a homework club, etc. I understand where you’re coming from, but the teacher staying isn’t an issue because they’d be there regardless.

Commenter 4: A lot of aspects of this are forgivable, but for me, I couldn’t trust someone to be alone with my kid if they were willing to lie about if they were with my kid or not. That’s a pretty clear red line.

OOP: That’s my biggest issue with the situation, that she was so comfortable lying to me.

Commenter 5: NTJ. But I would be wondering what was it your sister had to do that she prioritized it over picking up your daughter, because that's what would have me hot!

I can only imagine how she felt waiting for her auntie.

OOP: We tried asking her with mom, but she wouldn’t tell us, said it was none of our business to worry about that.

Commenter 5: NTJ. One phone call to you was all your sister needed to make. Instead, she lied and probably would've asked your daughter to lie "to keep Auntie out of trouble." Your sister is too irresponsible to be in charge of a child.

OOP: Yep, we would’ve came up with some kind of an alternative or at the very least informed the teachers and the daughter, so they don’t worry.

Update #1: October 9, 2026 (three days later)

UPDATE: AITJ for banning my sister from picking up my daughter after she left her at school and lied to me about it?

I didn't expect this to turn into such a big family argument, but things have gotten worse since I posted.

My sister is still insisting that I'm overreacting and ignoring everything she's done for me over the past few months. She keeps bringing up how she's rearranged her schedule, left work early, and spent her own time helping me with pickups.

Yesterday, she sent me a long message listing all the times she's helped me and ended it by saying that if I'm going to treat her like she can't be trusted after one mistake, I should at least reimburse her for all the time and effort she's put in.

For context, she's never asked me for money before. We never agreed that I would pay her, and she's always presented the pickups as something she was happy to help with. I've thanked her, bought her meals, and helped her out when she's needed it, but we've never treated this as a paid arrangement.

I told her I appreciated everything she'd done, but I wasn't going to retroactively pay her for favors she'd volunteered to do. If she'd wanted compensation, she could have discussed that with me beforehand.

She called me ungrateful and said I was happy to accept her help when it suited me but threw her away the moment she made a mistake.

My mom agrees with her. She says my sister has a point because she's helped me for months, and I shouldn't act like none of that matters over one incident.

I tried explaining again that I wouldn't have banned her from pickups just because something came up. If she'd called me and told me she couldn't make it, I would have figured something out. It was leaving my daughter at school without telling anyone and then lying to me about it that changed things.

I've arranged other pickups for now, although it's going to make my work schedule more difficult. I haven't banned my sister from seeing my daughter. I've only said she won't be responsible for picking her up from school anymore.

My sister says I'm making a permanent decision over something that lasted less than an hour. I feel like she's focusing entirely on how long my daughter waited instead of acknowledging why the situation happened in the first place.

I don't want to fall out with my sister, but I also don't want to restore the arrangement just because she's angry about the consequences.

Am I being unreasonable here?

TL;DR: My sister, who left my daughter at school and lied about it, now says I owe her for all the free childcare she's provided over the past few months. My mom thinks I'm ungrateful, but I don't think helping me voluntarily means she gets a pass for what happened.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: "A child's safety and security are things that sadly can involve mistakes. They, however, are not a thing that adults can lie about and endanger because of those lies. I will not let my daughter's safety ever be compromised due to not being able to trust someone telling me the truth. If you disagree you can remove yourself from our lives."

OOP: Thank you for this. My daughter is definitely my priority, and it saddens me to see my family including my mother is against me instead of backing me up

Commenter 2: I say this with the utmost respect because I have family who is also not family, but it doesn’t sound like your mom is truly family. She may be biological family but if her own daughters feelings trump her granddaughters safety and security then she has no place in your life. She isn’t really family at all.

OOP: “Family who is not family” is a very good way to describe this. And to be honest I am very surprised to see my mom take this stance, I am not capable of wrapping my head around how she’s somehow justifying what my sister did

Commenter 3: Still not the jerk. Your sister seems incapable of understanding the bond of trust she ruptured. Nor does she seem to care how traumatic it could have been to your daughter. Stand by your guns. You've made the right choice.

OOP: Yes I don’t think she understands because she’s not a mother.

Commenter 4: NTJ Did your sister even apologize for lying??? Because that's the part I'm stuck on.

OOP: Not yet, she instead asked me to pay her back for all the previous time she helped me so there’s that

Commenter 5: NTJ. I keep thinking about how your daughter must have felt when nobody showed up to pick her up. How she must have felt just waiting, and waiting and waiting, and not knowing what was going on. I would not being willing to trust your daughter's sense of security by trusting the person who did that to her and just brushes it off.

OOP: I’m grateful that she was being her up from school and not some other place, at the very least she was at school with teachers who she knew and trusted

Update #2: October 11, 2026 (two days later)

UPDATE 2: AITJ for banning my sister from picking up my daughter after she left her at school and lied to me about it?

A few people asked what happened with my sister demanding money, so here's where things stand.

After a few days of arguing, I told my sister that if she genuinely felt I owed her something for the pickups, she should tell me exactly what amount she expected and why she'd never mentioned payment before. I wasn't going to argue in circles about how ungrateful I supposedly was.

She never gave me an amount. Instead, she said I was deliberately missing the point and that family shouldn't keep score like this.

I pointed out that she was the one who brought up all the favors she'd done for me and used them as a reason I shouldn't have consequences for what happened.

That didn't go over well.

The biggest change came when my mom finally asked my sister why she hadn't just called me that afternoon. My sister said she knew I'd be upset about the missed pickup and didn't want to deal with an argument while she was trying to sort out her other plans.

So she thought it would be easier to handle everything herself and explain afterward.

I told her that was exactly the problem. She wasn't trying to avoid an argument anymore once she lied to me. She was making sure I couldn't do anything about the situation because she wanted me to believe my daughter was already on her way home.

She eventually admitted she shouldn't have lied, but she still thinks banning her from pickups was excessive because my daughter was supervised the entire time.

I don't think we're going to agree on that.

For now, I'm keeping the new pickup arrangements. It's more inconvenient and costs me more, but at least I know who's responsible for collecting my daughter and what happens if plans change.

My sister and I are still speaking, although things are awkward. She's been distant, and my mom thinks I'm letting one incident damage a relationship that took years to build.

I don't want to punish my sister forever, and I'm not saying she can never be trusted with anything again. But I don't think I'm obligated to put her back in charge of school pickups just to prove that I forgive her.

Maybe we'll eventually get past this. For now, I'm leaving things as they are.

TL;DR: My sister admitted she lied because she didn't want to deal with my reaction to missing the pickup, but she still thinks I overreacted by banning her from future pickups. I'm keeping the new arrangements, even though they're more expensive, and my relationship with my sister is still strained.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Has she admitted yet what was so important to her that she left an 8 year at school?

OOP: No and at this point I don’t think she ever will. If she does I’ll make a brief update just to let everyone know because I had so many people ask me about this

Commenter 2: The point is still, she lied about picking up your child. That is not easily forgiven. Now, you are going to wonder what else she has or will lie about concerning your child. I'm glad that you are keeping the alternate arrangements.

OOP: Yeah 100%, if she wants to pick her up from school again in the future she’ll have to build that trust back up slowly

Commenter 3: You are not punishing your sister. You are protecting your daughter from being stranded again. The fact that your sister sees this as punishment is yet another reason to not trust her with your daughter

OOP: Yes exactly, also what some people don’t seem to realise is that if a child isn’t picked up from school they will call the police which makes the entire situation even worse

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

we have been infiltrated by a proxy interviewer crime ring

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

Original Post  June 30, 2026

I am a mid-level manager at a fully remote call center type job. There are multiple teams who book appointments for clients. We have four managers who oversee about 20 people each. We don’t really handle super sensitive data, just what location the appointment will be at, as well as the client’s name, phone number, and email. No credit cards, no Social Security numbers (this will be important later).

We have an HR person who reviews resumes, does a Zoom meeting screen, and then sends candidates who pass that to the other managers for an official interview. Pretty standard stuff. Interviews are assigned based on who is available, so the people involved in the interview may not be who the candidate ends up assigned to if they’re hired.

We are hiring pretty aggressively right now (due to an amazing boom in business) so we’ve had groups between 5-10 training at the same time with a person whose role is a dedicated trainer.

During the last round of interviews, there was one candidate who interviewed very well, but had held higher level roles than this very entry-level position. I decided to ask the trainer what they thought, as they are highly skilled at deducing if someone will work out or not. I played the recording of some of the interview, and the trainer said they liked the applicant so we moved forward. This is not standard procedure, as they don’t typically get to see the applicants until they start.

After the first day of training, the trainer asked to see the interview recording again because the person seemed different. I pulled it up and they immediately said, “That’s not Bob!” Bob has a surname and accent of someone from the country of, let’s say, Fakeistan. In the last year, we have recently hired several others who were originally from Fakeistan. While we certainly don’t ask in the interview, typically at some point after the start work, they will mention it their own that they are from Fakeistan and live State X. (X is a large U.S. state, and they’ve each mentioned different major cities within that state.) I thought it was interesting and just figured there was maybe a Facebook group or somewhere where people who immigrated from there had promoted us as place as a friendly place to work for people from Fakeistan.

Then we started pulling up other recordings from prior interviews of our Fakeistan employees. Each one elicited from the trainer, “That’s not Sue!” “That’s not Jack!” and so forth. Not one matched the face of the person who (very competently!) interviewed. I will say, they were close enough — similar facial hair, builds, etc. But in some cases, the person interviewing was much older or had a different facial shape, and all of the interviewees had significantly lighter accents than those that showed up to training.

Several things clicked into place, mostly the poor performance of the people from Fakeistan when they got out of training, despite interviewing so well, though several have improved significantly. We were clearly duped. We cannot figure out why — again, they don’t have access to anything that you probably couldn’t get from a public records search. They show up on time and are reliable employees. When we pulled the HR person in about this, we got to watch their soul leave their body in real time. We have no idea if their paperwork is legit or why in the ever-loving hell this has happened or what the endgame is.

This is still an evolving situation while the “big dogs” at the top figure out exactly how to handle this without seeming racist/xenophobic and we are now reviewing every interview video against images we are collecting (we’re a camera-on company), even if they aren’t from Fakeistan to ensure that we are being fair, but so far only the Fakeistan employees have turned out not to be who they say they were.

From the time of the interview to the time of their first meetings with their manager, it can be sometimes eight weeks and again, they look really similar! It’s hard to remember exactly how someone looks if you met with them for an hour and then don’t see them again for two months. We all feel really stupid.

How do we mitigate this in the future? Obviously, we will start having the trainer compare the training Zoom meetings to the interviews, but that still takes a spot away from another applicant if we get them through the hiring process! My company is very much big on staying on the right side of the EEOC, so we can’t just not interview people who have Fakeistan surnames and live in the same state as the others. What can we do to vet people to make sure the person who interviews is actually the person who shows up on day one?

This is so wild, I feel like it will get called fake in the comments and all I can say is I wish it was because now I have to fire a great employee because they committed fraud.

Update  Oct 6, 2026 (Over 3 months later)

Thank you so much for publishing my letter. A special thanks to everyone who said it wasn’t a fake letter (perhaps I spend too much time on Reddit where everything is labeled fake.) Part of the reason I said that was that before writing in, I ran this situation by a friend who is head of cybersecurity at a casino and he was just as floored as I was by the whole thing. I guess we all know better now.

I am so sorry I wasn’t able to engage in the comments. It was posted at the end of the quarter which is always crazy and I don’t think I even saw it until several days later. I am not going to name the actual country, but I will say with absolute certainty it was NOT North Korea or anywhere in Asia that the Fakeistan employees were from.

Things got a little crazy before they got better. The Fakeistan employees worked for the rest of the week while HR, Legal, and IT all go involved. As I mentioned, we had to pull every employee we had hired over the last year over video and send screenshots for comparison. Ironically one employee who had a Fakesitan surname and very slight accent was determined to be legitimate but had to have multiple audits to be sure. I’m not sure they even know how closely they were being watched. We were told to use any pretense to pull them into meetings and screenshot their faces for comparisons to their interview recordings. For the employees I knew would pass, it was easy. For my two Fakeistan employees, I literally threw up from anxiety because I felt so bad. I know it had to happen, I know they were in the wrong, but it just hurt. Especially with them thanking me profusely after the meeting for all of my help and saying how much they loved working at our company.

I will never absolutely know exactly what happened since I’m way too far down in the org chart to be privy to what we did find, but I do believe that commenter Specks got it right: I don’t think they were trying to steal information, just trying to get jobs and what many commenters mentioned, probably giving a cut of their paycheck to whomever facilitated that for them as they all worked a lot of overtime any time we offered it, so possibly a set limit of debt they were trying to get out of. I was told that their documents, upon closer review, didn’t match. I asked if IT could verify if they were using VPNs and weren’t even actually in the states, but no one knows except for IT. I do think they were in the U.S. (why would everyone pick the same state if not?). I just think they were people who, if we interviewed them as themselves, we probably would not have hired. Thankfully my own boss stepped in with HR to drop the ax on them and the managers didn’t need to be involved. They were read a three-sentence message crafted by the legal department who was very clear on not deviating from it in any way. We did acknowledge the reason for the departure (fraudulent identities) and they all pretty much were like “okay, yeah” once they realized we knew. The ones we couldn’t get ahold of right away were locked out of their computers by IT instantly in case they did know each other, even though they had never given any prior indication of such.

As for what we are doing moving forward, I did forward the links that Madame Desmortes posted (fascinating and validating read!) over to my boss. We now have several new procedures in place. A good one is that the training manager now has access to all interview recordings and reviews them before the training class starts.

One I’m a bit torn on is we have instituted an AI filter in our hiring platform that auto rejects any candidate without a digital footprint (i.e., no LinkedIn, no Facebook, no Instagram, etc.) I … don’t love it and think that we are probably rejecting candidates who may not use the same name on their resume as they do on social media and unfairly targets people who have a name change due to divorce/marriage, people who are in the midst of transitioning and people who just don’t have social media accounts under their “government” names that they may put on a resume. Since this whole situation went all the way up to the CEO, I don’t think I have enough capital to push back on it, so I have to let it go.   There were a couple Fakeistan surnames who were in resume review when this happened, but never made it to the screening. After that I have not seen any more come through, so whoever was running the whole operation must have realized we figured it out and gave up.

I still see their names on reports that I pull up and I remember how happy they were to work here, how well they processed and implemented feedback, and how quickly they became valuable assets despite their rough starts. It makes me sad every time. I hope they’re doing as well as they can. I hope they’re safe. There’s really no happy ending, just a valuable lesson and a humbling reminder of what a privilege it is to go through life on easy mode because of where I was born.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/asking4advyce

Originally posted to r/Advice

Status: Ongoing

Trigger Warning: Parental abandonment, parental death

Mood Spoiler: Frustrating

Editor's note: Post recovered from archives.

Original - September 29th 2026

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and known each other for 5. To provide context, his ex wife passed away when his daughter was 3, who recently turned 14. I have a 15 year old son whose dad went back to his native country when our son was 9, and chose to stay there. We divorced and I have full custody of our son.

My step daughter and I have become very close over the past few years, and any lines of step mother vs mother started getting blurred. My husband and I discussed me adopting her as my daughter. We got some of the paperwork started but we did wait for her 14th. One, because we thought it would be a nice birthday present, and two, because I felt that her having to give her consent (which in our state happens if the child is 14+) would make it more meaningful. On the night after we celebrated her birthday, I asked her, and she cried and hugged me and said she'd love for that to happen. My son went up to his room. I later went to his room, and he was angry at me about it. I expected him to be happy at best or ambivalent at worst about it, not against it. He said some nasty things and said him having a mother was the one thing he had over her. I was shocked and said this was not like him (it really isn't) and he told me not to go ahead with this. I told him he was being unkind to his sister, that this would not affect him or our relationship at all, but he told me to leave. He's been cold to all of us since, when I did try to get through to him, he asked if I'm still going ahead with it. What should I do?

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

From his eyes, the 3 of you (yourself, husband and daughter) are a full fledged family while he is left out (the husband didn't adopt him). It's only normal for a child to feel jealous and left out

Comment 2:

I guess it’s just me, but why didn’t you talk with your son first? This is a bigger change than two families blending. Talking with him could also bring out any issues he and your step daughter might have.

OP (downvoted):

I wanted it to be a surprise for her 14th. And like I said I thought he'd be at best happy about or at worst not really care. I messed up there.

Comment 3:

By saying this is the “one thing” he had over her, it makes me think your son believes you are routinely giving your daughter more time, attention, and emotional energy than you give him. So are you?

OP (downvoted):

I've always tried to make sure my marriage and our blended family doesn't take away from my relationship with my son. Nothing has changed in our relationship. He's a 15 year old boy now, so there's some changes naturally, he comes to me less often with problems unlike when he was say 12, but he knows, I've always made it clear, that I'm always going to be a steady port to call for him.

Comment 4:

Your husband should be adopting him as well, I am sure he prolly feels really left out.

OP (downvoted):

My son's father is alive, so it's not really the same situation. Also, my husband and him have a good relationship but I guess its like a step relationship, there's care and love on both sides but kind of within those boundaries. Like I said, with my stepdaughter, that's how I set it out to be too, to never take her mother's place, but between us those boundaries got blurred and we got really close.

Comment 5:

You need to make it clear to your son how you love him. Your husband does, too.

OP (downvoted):

I've told him that me adopting her doesn't take away from my love for him even a bit. He will always be my son whom I love to bits. But I'm just having trouble getting through to him about this.

Comment 6:

Congratulations on gaining a daughter and losing a son. That poor kid feels he has no one. Why wouldn’t you have discussed this with him first? Very insensitive.

Update - October 12th 2026

I received some harsh but useful advice and messages on my last post and I'm grateful for it. I didn't mention the adoption again in the house after that. A few days ago I spoke to my son again privately. I apologized for having surprised him with the decision the way I did. It was presumptuous of me to assume his feelings on it and I messed up. Once he saw I was genuinely remorseful, he opened up to me after that a bit. He said she had a mother, and that it was unfair of her to just get a new mother. I told him I wasn't trying to replace her mother and never could. I know a lot of people asked why my husband doesn't just adopt him too to balance it out, but it's just not that simple, his dad is alive. Nevertheless I did bring up if that's what he felt was unfair and whether he felt like my husband should become more like a father to him. He said no, he didn't want that. I then tried to reassure him that if I did adopt her, it would not change what we had, him and I are a team, always have been and always will be. He said the way his dad left, her mother died, he's not begging for his dad to come back or to get a new one, so why is she getting a mother. Just to clarify, she has not broached the subject of or pressured me about adoption ever. I told him the surprise was my mistake and she wasn't aware of it either. I told him the whole adoption thing aside, and we wouldn't do it unless he was on board, but if there was anything I could help with, and also promised to make a more concerted effort for more 1-1 time between us. He didn't seem to even have that as a concern, he said that first her dad got me as a wife and now was giving his daughter a mother she wasn't related to. I just reassured him that his comfort with it was my priority and we're not going ahead with it.

Yesterday, I spoke with her when we were alone too. I told her I loved her like a daughter but there had been issues with the paperwork and it would just take longer than we had anticipated. I took responsibility of it and said I should've made sure it was all done before surprising her. She seemed disappointed but very understanding, and said that was ok, she thought of me as her mother anyway regardless of paperwork. Unfortunately she did ask whether my son was unhappy with it, she probably connected the dots due to his reaction at the time, I reassured her it was paperwork stuff that was our fault and she seemed ok with that. She's continued to call me mom (she started after we told her on her birthday) and seems to understand that we don't need legal paperwork for our relationship.

I know I messed up the first time, and I dug us into a hole, but I'm going to be more mindful hereon. I'm going to make more 1-1 time with my son too, I already do but he's 15 and doesn't have a ton of time for me lately but I'm still going to make more. Fortunately my husband has let me deal with it the way I see fit for which I'm grateful. Thank you for the advice.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Lying to your stepdaughter about the paperwork is not a good move either. The truth will eventually come out and it will be hard for her to trust you to tell her the truth. It also sends the message that if there’s a hard truth then don’t tell your family because they can’t handle it.

OP (downvoted):

I didn't want her to resent him. I hope with the increased effort I put into our relationship, he'll tell me he's happy and at peace with us going forward with it at some point. I do understand that it could come out, in fact it is possible she already suspects, and hope she'll understand that I lied to not have her resent him.

Comment 2:

You were a total AH to your son. I can’t believe you would surprise him like that. Also, you have been cruel to your son. His dad abandoned him a few years ago but it sounds like during that time you’ve didn’t it bonding with your step daughter. Your focus should have been on your son. He should have been in therapy. Please consider therapy for the both of you.

Comment 3:

And you keep making mistakes ?!

Why you lied to your step daughter ?! What if your son never comes around about the adoption?!?!?!

Lady you are so wrapped in your new husband and his daughter that you have sidelined your own blood ?!?! Parners come and go , you have had 2 husbands so far and god knows how many boyfriends of friends with benefits or whatever, your son is the one that will always be there

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/ntengineer

Originally posted to r/ChoosingBeggars, r/EntitledPeople

Post timeline:

• Original post: 2019-09-23
• First update: 2019-09-25
• Final update: 2019-09-29

Thank you for fixing the WiFi, can I have the new password? - posted 2019-09-23

I keep seeing other post about their neighbors stealing WiFi, and I thought I would add mine. Mine is a bit unusual. A little background.

I'm a Uber Geek. I've been an IT person since 1993 and have a lot of very high end equipment I use at home. I purchase business grade equipment often instead of consumer grade equipment, more expensive but it works a lot better, and has some cool features.

So when I moved into my last home we were renting, our landlord also ran a small business. He just had a single computer that he used very rarely for internet access. I was getting FiOS installed into the house and told him that I would set up my equipment and then instead of having to pay for DSL (which was very slow) he could just use my WiFi because it would be super fast. So I proceed to get my FiOS service and then set up my two access points on different channels but with the same name so you can roam around the house and outside the whole yard and have great coverage. I then take my landlord's computer and connect it to my WiFi and he is just happy as happy could be. Here is where the choosing beggar comes from. As part of this, my landlord turns off his DSL and sends back the cruddy DSL Router with WiFi to the telephone provider.

A few days later, I hear a BANG BANG BANG on my BACK door. I open it up, and find my neighbor aka CB.

Me: confused look Hello <name>... awkward silence

CB: Hi, I wanted to know when you were going to get your internet fixed.

Me: My internet is working fine, why are you in my back yard?

CB: looks around I always come through the back yard here, I'm friends with your neighbor on the other side and I always walk through the back yard as a short cut. Doesn't matter, I'm wanting..

Me: (I cut him off) Don't walk through my back yard. My wife will get scared, I have a Great Dane that if she's in the back yard she's not going to be happy you just walking in, and I don't want you to get hurt or her to get out.

CB: I don't care about your dog. I want to know why your Internet is not working.

Me: My internet is working fine, in fact, I'm using it right now!

CB: Well, it's not working for me.

At this point, it dawns on me what he's saying. I guess I was slow that day, I had thought he came over because his internet wasn't working and he figured I knew why cause mine wasn't working either. He was an older man and kind of gruff with his conversational skills, but it finally dawns on me at this point.

Me: (to make sure I ask him to clarify) Are you saying your Internet is not working? And are you wondering if mine isn't working also?

CB: NO! My Internet was working fine until a few days ago. Now, the WiFi that I use to connect to isn't there any more. But I see a really strong other WiFi named <redacted>.

Me: Ahh, I see. The WiFi that you use to connect to was <Landlord's name> WiFi for his business. I didn't know he gave you the password. But he no longer has that service. The only WiFi left in this house is mine.

CB: I see. Well, thank you for making the WiFi a lot better. I use to hardly get a signal before, but now when I look at WiFis in this area, I see a full 5 bars from your new one. That is great. I just need the new password.

Me: I'm not giving you my WiFi password. You need to get your own Internet service.

CB: What?! You have to. I had the old WiFi password, you have to give me your WiFi password!

Me: No, I don't. I pay for the Internet connection here, I am not giving you my WiFi password.

CB: That's not fair! F*cK you! I'm going to call <Landlord> and tell him he needs to kick you out!

Me: Have fun with that! By the way, stay out of my back yard, or I'm going to let my dog out next time and call the cops!

So I close the door as he's just fuming at me, and watch through the window as he marches out of the back yard back to his yard. Of course, he doesn't close the fence all the way, so I go out there in a few minutes and close it. I also pick up my phone and call my Landlord to let him know what is going on. My landlord tells me, he didn't even know that the neighbor was using his Wifi. Anyway, the story doesn't end there.

A few days later I start getting notifications from my access points that someone is trying to break in. This is another great feature of the business class equipment that I have. It send me a notice that a device at MAC ADDRESS is trying to use a program to guess my password. Being an Uber Geek, my WiFi Password is 15 characters long with Upper, Lower, and Numbers. So he's probably not guessing it any time soon. Just to be on the safe side I actually block his MAC from connecting to my access points at all, and also disable the broadcasting of the name.

That weekend I'm out in my front yard, with my laptop, doing some work. My neighbor sees me and starts talking to me much more friendly this time.

CB: I noticed that your WiFi is no longer online. I guess that <Landlord> made you take it down eh? serves you right.

Me: I look at him with a bit of a confused face, because I'm working on my laptop, which obviously means I would be connected to some type of WiFi, but I guess he doesn't think this way No, it's working fine. I talked to <Landlord> and he just laughed when I told him the story.

CB: I'm not seeing your WiFi any more, so I know you are lying.

Me: I changed it so that it is not broadcasting the name any more. That way you don't keep trying to break into it. It was sending me emails that you were trying.

CB: sputtering That... wasn't me... it probably was someone else. Anyway, you should give me your password. It's not fair that I use to use the old WiFi here and now I can't use the new one.

Me: It's not fair or LEGAL that you were stealing the WiFi that use to be here. By the way, I put up a camera in my back yard. Just to make sure you don't try to go through there again. If I see that you have been in my back yard, I will be turning over the footage to the police, as you would be trespassing, and I will press charges.

CB: F*CK YOU!

He ended up waking back into his house while I was still in the front yard. I would run across him from time to time after that walking on the sidewalk in front of my house to get to his friend's house on the other side, always glaring at me. I just waved and laughed.

I talked to his "friend" one day about the whole situation, and he told me that the CB had come to him and complained I wouldn't give him my password, and he told the CB to buy his own internet connection and stop being a cheapskate.

I hope you enjoyed the story. I have other stories about this neighbor, but they don't really belong here, and maybe this one doesn't per-say but I see a lot of others so I thought I would maybe entertain you all a little bit.

----

Neighbor thought he had the right to drive through my back yard Part 1 - posted 2019-09-25

I had posted a story a few days ago about a neighbor I had a few years ago and him trying to get me to give him access to my WiFi. In that thread some people asked if I had other stores from him and if I could post them.

A little bit of background. The backyard of this house is L shaped, because there was a shop in the back yard that took up part of what would normally be a lawn. There was a fence that ran from the left corner of the house straight back to where the back yard went up a hill, but it didn't make a right turn at all and it didn't come across the other side of the lawn to close up the back yard. We would park our vehicles behind the house on a cement pad. Another thing to note, is my wife is disabled and cannot drive our vehicles. This is important for Incident #1

Incident 1: Your cars are in my way

So I'm at work. I have my car with me, but our wheelchair accessible van is parked in our parking area behind the house near the back lawn. My wife calls me on this day really upset. The next door neighbor has banged on our back door (after I told him to stop going in our back yard - see linked story) and when my wife talked to him through the window with him, he demanded that we move our van, because he needed to get his tractor out of his back yard. Of course, my wife is upset about how rude the neighbor is, in addition, I have no clue at all what he's talking about. Why would he need us to move our van in order for him to get his tractor out? She had told him that she couldn't drive the van, and after going back and forth with the neighbor, she finally just closed the window and ignored him and he went away.

So when I got home from work I went over to the neighbor's house to talk to him and find out what is going on. What I found out was that he parks his tractor up the hill that is at the end of both of our yards. And because of the angle of the hill and it getting higher on his property, he has always just drove his tractor down the hill into the now my side of the back yard, and out over the lawn, through the car pad, and down my drive way, then over to his house to use it. Of course, since we've moved in and park our cars on the car pad, they are in the way.

Trying to be a friendly neighbor I told him that I would be more than happy to move my vehicles out of the way if he tells me ahead of time that he will need to move his tractor. I tell him again that I don't want him in my back yard banging on my back door at all. Come to the front door like a normal person. I also tell him that my wife is disabled and that he cannot just bang on the door during the day expecting her to move the van. She cannot drive the van, so won't be able to move it.

He then requested that I give him a key to the van, as he felt he should be able to take out his tractor any time he needs to use it, and having the van park there is just not going to work for him. I don't remember what I told him, but I do remember being dumbstruck for a couple seconds at this completely absurd request. I don't even know why he thought I was going to give my neighbor, who I hadn't even known very long and already had a run in with, a key to my vehicle.

Anyway, I told him absolutely not. If he needs to get his tractor in or out he is to CALL me (and I of course gave him my number) ahead of time and arrange for it. Other than that, he was SOL.

He wasn't happy about the situation and grumbled and cussed at me for a few minutes, stuff about how he's always done it that way before I moved in, and doesn't understand why I won't just park my cars somewhere else, and that he should be able to pull his tractor in and out without having to arrange with me because it is his tractor and not mine. I reminded him that yes, the tractor is his, but the backyard, car pad, and drive way are all mine. So if he wanted to ever get his tractor in and out again through my back yard, he needs to follow my rules, or find a different path.

Finally after a bunch of more grumbling he finally asked if I could move the van so he could get it out right now. I told him I would be happy to, but to remember to call me when he needs to bring it back in. He told me he would call me but that he would also have it out for several days as he had a bunch of yard work to do.

To my surprise he actually started calling me when he need to move his tractor. Except for one time where we had a big storm and a tree came down onto his property and he needed the tractor to help him remove it, which I completely understood and since I was home that day I said no problem.

Things were actually pretty good at this point with the neighbor until I decided to finish fencing in the back yard, but that is another story for another day.

----

Neighbor thought he had the right to drive through my back yard Part 2 - posted 2019-09-29

This is the final part of my run ins with a neighbor I had. He actually ended up selling his house shortly after this and I never saw him again (Yay!).

So the next summer after Part 1 happened, I wanted to enclose my back yard completely. We had two dogs at this point, and wanted to be able to just let them be dogs outside in the nice weather and not have to be supervised all the time, plus we wanted to put in a doggie door to let them in and out on their own.

My project would entail putting in a fence from the end of the long side of the L across the back part of my yard to the shop that was there. Then, putting another segment of fence where the short part of the L was that would run from the main house to the shop. The existing fence I would be starting from on the long side of the L wasn't actually on the property line. It went from the corner of the house, straight back. The property line was about 4ish feet beyond the fence. This is important.

So one day I'm in my back yard and I know this project is coming up and I see my grouchy neighbor. I had been meaning to talk to him about me fencing my back yard and that he would need to find another way to get his tractor down. I know I could have just said "FU" to the situation based on my previous run ins with him, but I'm always the type of person who at least tries to get along with his neighbors.

So I go over to my fence line and call for my neighbor. He comes walking over closer to me, but I have my Great Dane with me, and he doesn't like dogs much, so he says a bit away from me and the fence. The following conversation happens. Please note, its been a few years since this took place, so this is NOT word for world, just the gist of the conversation.

Me: So I wanted to let you know that I'll be building 2 more segments to my fence, enclosing the back yard. So you will need to find a different way of getting your tractor up and down off the hill.

Neighbor: Why are you doing that?

Me: I want to enclose it so that the dogs can play out here and I don't have to worry about them.

Neighbor: I'm not sure why it's my problem that you decided to have dogs. You can't put up a fence, I need to drive through your back yard.

Me: Well, it's not your back yard. And I've already gotten it cleared with my landlord. So I'm building the fence. I'm just letting you know I'm doing it, I'm not asking for your permission.

Neighbor: If you build a fence that blocks me, I'm just going to rip it out.

Me: You do that, and I'll have you arrested for trespassing and destruction of property.

Neighbor: You can't build a fence! I need to be able to go down into your back yard to get my tractor down. You have to let me keep doing that.

Me: I don't, and I'm not going to. I have now informed you of the fence coming. The fence guys will be here in a few days so you better get your tractor out now before I build it.

Neighbor: Well, I'm not moving my tractor today, and if you build your fence I'm just going to run it over.

Me: Then i will call the cops.

I then walk away, he yells some cuss words at me as I'm walking away, and keeps yelling that he has the right to use my back yard. I shake my head and go into my house. The next week the fence guys I had hired come out and dig the holes, put the uprights up, and fill the holes with cement. It takes a couple days for the cement to dry, so I figured my neighbor would get the hint and move his tractor, but he doesn't.

So a couple days later the fence guys and come stretch the chain link fence on the uprights, and do whatever else they do to finish the work, install a new gate by my cars, and everything is done.

That following weekend I'm out in my back yard, and my dogs are enjoying running around and I'm stress free, because I don't have to keep a constant eye on them. I hear a banging on the fence and turn to see my neighbor. Of course the dogs go running at him and he backs off.

Neighbor: I need to get my tractor down today, so what are we going to do.

Me: I'm not going to do anything. I warned you. You did nothing. Now you have to find another way to get it down.

Neighbor: No, you are required by law to let me go through your back yard. You are breaking the law by installing a fence.

Me: I don't think so. But you are welcome to call the cops and explain that to them. Let me know what they say ok?

Neighbor: I know what I'll do, I'll just tear down this fence here (pointing at the fence along the long side of the L). Since it's on the property line I can do that.

Me: No you can't. You and I can both see that the fence runs from the corner of the house. The property line is actually about where you are standing.

Neighbor: No its not! This is the property line! Its where the fence is!

Me: OK dood. But if you touch that fence, I will call the cops on you, just as a warning.

After that I went into the house. He never touched my fence. I saw him get his tractor down by driving over his flower beds which made me smile. A month or two later I did see a survey crew out. So I went and talked to them. Apparently the neighbor had called the county and tried to complain about the fence and trying to find out if he could take it down. So they said they would send a survey crew out to mark the property line. Well they did, and guess what, the property line was right about where I said it was. When the neighbor saw the orange painted markings that clearly showed that the fence was on my property he just stopped talking to me for a while. Eventually he moved out.

However, I did have a bit of an issue with the new neighbor. He kept complaining that the fence wasn't high enough to keep a Great Dane from jumping over it, and his wife was afraid of dogs. He asked if he could pay to raise it up. I told him that I would prefer not, as it would not match the rest of my fence. So he tried to say it was on the property line and he could do it without my permission, at which point I told him that those orange lines were the property line, and if he wanted to, he could put up a brand new fence right there and it wouldn't bother me. But he never did. The new neighbor ended up turning it into a rental so I never had to deal with it again.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/FreakyyyGirll

Originally posted to r/AITH

AITAH for kicking my bf out after what he told me?

Editor’s note: made small edits for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: sexual assault, harassment

Original Post: October 6, 2026

So I (21F) have been with my bf (23M) for almost a year, and things were honestly amazing until this weekend, which is why I'm still shaking while typing this. My parents were away at my aunt's wedding in another city, so it was just me and my little sister (16F) home, and she stayed in her room all night like she usually does. My bf asked if his cousin (27M), who was visiting from out of town, could come hang out for a few hours. I'd only met him twice and he seemed fine, a little loud but fine, so I said sure. He showed up with a bottle of vodka and a bunch of wings, we put on a movie, and by like 10pm we were all pretty tipsy. Then he said he needed the bathroom and I pointed him down the hall.

Twenty minutes later neither of us had even noticed he was gone (I was literally laughing at a TikTok) until we heard my sister screaming upstairs. I ran up and found her in the corner of her room crying so hard she could barely breathe, with him standing right in front of her door. Apparently he walked into her room instead of the bathroom, she told him to get out like three times, and he just kept trying to talk to her and then closed the door behind him. When she tried to get past, he grabbed her arm. The only reason she got away is that she heard us on the stairs and yanked the door open. She told me later she was scared he wasn't going to let her leave. Her phone was on the bed with two texts to me, "pls come upstairs" and "PLEASE COME UP RIGHT NOW", and I never saw them because mine was face down on silent on the couch. That part is destroying me. I completely lost it. I screamed at him to get out, threw his jacket and what was left of his vodka onto the porch, and told him I was calling the police. He started stuttering about how it was "a misunderstanding" and he "got lost", which, no, he definitely wasn't lost, the bathroom is literally on the ground floor.

Then my bf got between us and told me to calm down and stop accusing his family based on what a teenager said. In front of my sister, who was still shaking, he said "what if she's just exaggerating? She does that for attention sometimes." I literally watched her face fall. That's when I screamed at HIM to get out too, and they left in an Uber. The next morning his mom texted me saying I "humiliated her son" and that family doesn't throw accusations around over a "little misunderstanding", and now apparently his cousin is telling everyone I attacked him. My bf texted that I scared him by screaming, that there's no real "proof", that his cousin "didn't actually do anything" and he'll "handle it himself", so I should just drop it. Not one word to my sister. Not even a sorry. She's been sleeping in my room since and flinches every time a door closes, and my parents get home tomorrow, and I don't even know how to tell them. I love him, I really do, and part of me is wondering if I ruined everything because I couldn't stay calm for five minutes, idk. It all feels so weird now. So AITAH? And should I try to fix things with him, or is this a sign?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA! Tell your parents and Go to the Police

OOP: Thank you, I think you're right! I'm telling my parents everything tomorrow when they get home, and I screenshotted the texts my sister sent me that night so there's proof. I'm letting her decide how much she wants to say, but I'm not letting this get swept under the rug

Commenter 2: Call the police and get it on paper. Sorry. But reactions like that don’t come from nothing happening. This is from a former dispatcher

OOP: Thank you for saying that ❤️, especially coming from a former dispatcher, I'm telling my parents first thing tomorrow, and then we'll file a report once my sister feels ready. I've saved the screenshots and her texts, so everything is documented

Commenter 3: He was up to no good with your little sister, and your BF stood up for him. He did it by diminishing your sister's truth, basically calling her a liar. This is exactly how SA happens. Chuck them both. Hope your sister is calmer now, but she'll never forget this. YNTAH, but both guys are. You're an ACE sister.

OOP: She's calmer today but still really quiet, and you're right that what hurt her most was my bf calling her a liar, so I honestly don't think I can just move past that. I just want her to feel safe and believed, and I'm going to keep showing up for her

Commenter 4: You ruined nothing. Your bf and his cousin did.

OOP: Thank you, I keep blaming myself for not seeing my sister's texts and for screaming the way I did, but I'm trying to remind myself that I didn't cause any of this.

Update: October 12, 2026 (six days later)

UPDATE: AITAH for kicking my boyfriend out after what his cousin did to my little sister?

It's been almost a week since I posted my first post, and things have been changing really fast.

When my parents came home, I told them everything. I was terrified they'd blame me for inviting my boyfriend's cousin over in the first place, but they didn't. My mom immediately sat down with my sister and let her explain what happened in her own words. My sister was still shaken, especially when she talked about how she'd repeatedly asked him to leave and how scared she was when he grabbed her arm. Hearing her explain it all again made me feel sick. I keep thinking about those two messages she sent me that night and how I never saw them.

My dad was furious when he learned what happened, especially when I told him my boyfriend had accused my sister of exaggerating for attention. My parents agreed that we shouldn't just pretend nothing happened, so we contacted the police and explained the situation. We also saved the messages my sister sent me that night. I don't know what will come of the report, but my parents felt it was important to take this seriously. My boyfriend found out and called me, accusing me of potentially ruining his cousin's life over a misunderstanding. He kept insisting his cousin had been drinking and might have walked into the wrong room by accident.

I asked him how that explained grabbing my sister after she'd repeatedly told him to leave. He just said I hadn't witnessed the entire interaction and couldn't know what really happened. Then I asked him, "Have you even asked my sister if she's okay?"

He went quiet before saying he wasn't going to apologize for defending his own family against accusations. That was the moment something clicked for me. He was still more concerned about protecting his cousin than acknowledging how frightened my sister had been. His mother has continued messaging me, saying we should have handled everything privately instead of involving the police. Some of our mutual friends also think I should have waited for the investigation before making a final decision about my relationship.

I ended things anyway. It hurt more than I expected because, before all this happened, I genuinely thought he was someone I could build a future with. But I can't imagine staying with someone who watched my little sister cry and immediately suggested she was lying. My sister is doing a little better, although she's still anxious about being alone upstairs. She's been spending more time with me and our parents, and we're trying to give her space without making her feel like she has to deal with everything alone.

I still have moments where I wonder whether I reacted too harshly, especially when I think about how much I loved my boyfriend before that night. But then I remember him standing there while my sister was terrified, questioning her instead of checking on her, and I don't know how I'd ever trust him again.

I have no idea what will happen with the police report, and I'm leaving that process to them. What I do know is that I won't pressure my sister into silence just to keep my ex-boyfriend and his family happy. So, AITAH for ending my relationship and involving the police instead of giving my boyfriend and his family a chance to handle the situation privately?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA NTA NTA!!! Your EX, AND his family, on the other hand, complete and utter enabling assholes...

OOP: The way they've all focused on protecting him and his cousin instead of asking whether my sister is okay has been heartbreaking. I never expected them to react like this, but their response has made me feel even more certain that ending the relationship was the right decision. Thanksss

Commenter 2: NTA. Handling the situation privately is code for sweeping it under the rug and pretending it never happened, or, as you've already seen, victim blaming. That is all they intend to do. Imagine having a daughter with this man and raising her around the cousin.

You absolutely did the right thing. Support and protect your sister.

OOP: That thought honestly scares me. Just last night, a door slammed upstairs and my sister came rushing into my room, then apologized for being dramatic. I wanted to cry because she's never been like this before. Seeing how scared she still is has made me realize I can't just brush this off as an uncomfortable misunderstanding. I can't imagine staying with someone who dismissed her fear just to protect his cousin. My sister comes first, and I'm done feeling guilty for standing up for her.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Due-Kale3735

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1

[Old New Update/Tangential]: AITA for telling my ex that she needs to "figure it out" when it comes to hosting people for her grandmothers' funeral even though I am living in her "grandmothers' house?"

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor's note: removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

Thanks to u/Bonanza86 for letting me know about the latest update!

Trigger Warnings: ugly divorce, entitlement, manipulation

----

RECAP

Editor's note: I am including OOP’s first post made prior to the original post for more context in order to understand the current situation

AITA for refusing to pay for daycare for my son with my ex?: September 12, 2025

AITA for refusing to pay for daycare for my son with my ex?

This is a throwaway account.

I have a 2, almost 3-year-old son with my ex. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Almost a year ago, I filed for divorce from my ex. We have split custody (50/50). As child support, I pay $900/month plus 100% of all healthcare and education-related costs for our son.

My ex was at home with our son until he was about 10 months old. At that time, she wanted to go to grad school, so we had planned to put our son in daycare. My mom (whom my siblings and I had been supporting) asked if she could watch our son rather than putting him in daycare. My ex was giddy at the idea, but I was a little hesitant because I wanted my mom to enjoy her retirement. But my mom and my ex very much wanted to do it, so I relented. Plus, my son absolutely loves every moment he gets to spend with his "Mimi." My mom has continued to be the primary caretaker of our son when my ex and I are working.

My ex (whom I mostly co-parent with well) wants our son to go to daycare. But my ex cannot afford daycare at all, so she wants me to pay for it. I refuse. Our son still absolutely loves going to his Mimi's house. My siblings have kids that our mom looks after, and so my son gets a lot of time with his cousins. My mom still loves doing it. Plus, she was an educator and is bilingual and is doing an amazing job in that department as well. I check-in with her to make sure she still wants to do it because I do not want her to be overwhelmed. Plus, the daycare here would cost about $250-$300/week. So, I refuse. My ex says this setup makes "my family" have undue influence over our son's development. If that was a concern, she has never expressed that until now. Plus, why would our son being under the influence of strangers at daycare be better? This has been a point of contention for about the last month.

AITA?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions of NTAs, YTAs, and NAHs, mostly leaning towards NTA

Editor's note: below is the original title post of this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one

Original Post: December 30, 2025 (3.5 months later)

My ex and I got divorced earlier this year. When we were married, we bought her grandmothers' house. This house was built in the 1910s and had been in my ex's family since then. It is quite large. It was de-facto the house where my ex's family would stay when they came into town for anything (this continued into our purchase of the house and was a part of my decision to divorce her).

When we bought it, we primarily used my pre-martial savings and inheritance. That was five-ish years ago. When we got divorced, the court determined that the bulk of the house (90%) belonged to me in accordance with our postnup agreement. My ex tried a number of scenarios where she would keep the house (or it would go into a trust for our kid) so it would stay "in the family." The only thing I would agree to is selling the house, her buying me out, or me buying her out. We went with the latter because my ex did not have the money to buy me out.

The day after Christmas, my ex's grandmother died. She had been sick for years and the reason we bought the house is because she could no longer live on her own and desperately needed money for end of life care. Anyway, yesterday afternoon, my ex's cousin shows up at the house with his family. He drove into town for the funeral on Thursday. Apparently, he and his sister texted my ex and said that they would be staying at "the house" (insider family term for my house) and she indicated she was ok with that.

I called my ex and asked her why she volunteered my house for hosting people. She apologized and said she had been running around getting things done for the funeral. But, she asked if I would be willing to host because they really do not have space for people without using the house. I told her "no" and that they need to get hotels or whatever else arrangements. She said they do not have money to get everyone hotels and people are struggling financially. That there is plenty of extra room in the house. They could just be in the finished basement with their own bathroom, kitchen, entry, and exit. I told her "no." She got quite upset and hung up on me. I told the cousin and his family that they cannot stay.

AITA?

Edit: (1) People seem to be assuming the house was discounted to us when we bought it. It was not. It had been on the market for a year, and the price had been decreased multiple times with no offers for the listed price at any point. We bought it for the initial price it was listed for (which was the appraisal price).

(2) My personal preference was that my ex buy me out of the house. She did not have the money to do so. My next preference was to sell the house. My ex begged me to keep the house. So, I agreed to do so.

(3) The trust idea she had would mean putting the house in a trust with a life estate to me and the remainder to my son. This would effectively prohibit me from selling the house. I have no intentions of selling now, but I refuse to put myself in a position where I cannot sell in the future if I decide I need to do so. But, I do have a trust for my son now (3 years old) where he will inherit my assets at the time I die.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions of all kinds, but mostly leaning toward NTAs

Editor's note: OOP had given lots of answers, I am listing the common questions asked and his responses

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I am baffled as to why on earth your ex signed a post nup that would endanger the family home.

OOP: It is the only way I would agree to purchase the house. Otherwise, her parents were selling it to the highest bidder because her grandmother needed the money.

Downvoted Commenter: 1) why did you insist on paying the non-reduced price for the house? 2) you couldn’t have worked out a payment plan with a contract so your wife could eventually buy you out?

Those two things tell me this is either fake or you’re insufferable.

Yes, legally it is your house. That doesn’t mean the way you’ve been acting isn’t asshole territory. Reddit loves to conflate those two things.

OOP: 1) The family needed the money to pay for her end of life care and they listed it at its appraisal value.

2) I put $820,000 in the house and she makes $45,000/year. There is no situation where she can pay me off (even with no interest & not factoring in appreciation in value) in less than 20 years.

OOP explains the reason for keeping the house

OOP: We bought the house because she insisted. And the only reason I kept the house was a favor to her. I would have much preferred she bought me out of the house. I even researched loan options for her to see if she could buy me out. There were no good terms for her which is why I bought her out.

OOP responds to a downvoted comment asking why he hates his ex, based on the first post he made

OOP: Why we got divorced is immaterial as far as I am concerned here. But, if you want to know: (1) she went back on numerous promises throughout our marriage (including, that this would stop being treated like the family home when I spent the bulk of my savings to buy it for us), (2) we both came into the relationship as agnostic/atheist and that are kids would be raised non-religious, but got our son baptized anyways, (3) hid money issues she was having from me, and (4) the straw that broke the camel’s back, hid her sister's affair from my BIL (the only in-law that treated me well at all).

OOP provides more details about his family's and his ex's backgrounds while they were growing up

OOP: My dude, I am the son of two Haitian immigrants. When they got married, neither one had attended college. My dad drove trucks and my mom was a nanny for rich families. My mom eventually got a degree in early childhood education. My dad never got a degree.

My parents saved and never went into debt for anything. I grew up in a two bedroom, one bathroom house and was the youngest of three. I grew up with two amazing parents. So, quite wealthy in that respect. But, money wise? No, not really. They simply refused to incur debt for anything, lived off of 70% of their take home money, and that is how when my dad died, and my mom sold all of his businesses, she was able to give each kid about a $1,000,000. But, that is after about 45 years of living very frugally and having no debt.

Also, she has family with resources to buy the house. She has a godfather who is President of one of the largest banks in our state. She had options to explore to buy.

+

Not rich or privileged. My parents are Haitian immigrants who refused to go into debt for anything, refused to spend more than 70% of their take home income, and saved/invested the rest. I grew up in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom home in a neighborhood where most of my neighborhood friend's families were on food stamps.

My ex grew up in a 4-bedroom house where she had her own room.

She has family members out of state who could have easily bought the home. She has a godfather who is President of the largest "local" bank in our state. He could have bought the home (or lend her money to buy it from me). My ex's family, if they pooled their money, could buy the house. Instead, there was alot of fighting among the family about the house until we bought it.

I did not screw them out of the home. I rather not have this home. My preference was that she buy me out or we sell it. She could not buy me out and she did not want to sell it. But, after this experience, it might just be time to just sell it and be done with it.

OOP on not being invited to his ex's grandma's funeral and the ex expecting him to entertain her family

OOP: I am not invited. You know my ex ok-ed people to stay at my house without checking with me at all, right? Like, not calling or texting whatsoever. Why would you think, it would be a faux pas in her mind to invite them to stay if I am not invited to the funeral? My ex does not care at all about decorum here.

You would think no one is dumb enough to invite family to stay with their ex for at least four nights without checking with their ex, but that is what happened and why I made this post. There is nothing logical about anything my ex did here.

But, you are free to believe what you want and ignore inconvenient facts. There is a lot of that going around.

Commenter 2: I’m saying that in a shared property state, a judge doesn’t just grant a post nup awarding all marital assets to one spouse. This guy sounds bitter and spiteful

OOP: The house was not a marital asset. I used pre-martial assets (pre-marital savings & inheritance) to buy, renovate, pay taxes, & pay HOA fees for the home throughout the marriage. In the post-nuptial agreement, I granted her 10% of the home, but I paid for 100% of it with premarital assets. The post-nup also clarified it was not a marital asset.

The court did award her half of the marital assets (checking account, savings, mutual fund), I also gave her a car that I bought pre-marriage, but she had driven throughout the marriage. I was ordered to pay her $12.000 in alimony ($500/month in alimony for 2 years). I paid her the full $12,000 upfront. She also received the 10% of the home.

All in all, she walked away with over $100,000 in cash, (roughly around $130K), along with household goods and a car.

Commenter 3: Info - why did hosting family contribute to the divorce? Also was she a SAHM?

OOP: Her family would show up whenever/however they wanted, generally would make a mess, and generally were rude/mean to me. Because of this, when we bought the house, one of my conditions was that it would be treated like our home rather than the family house.

We have a 3 year old son. While we were married (before our son was conceived or born), she was going to school and working part-time. I paid all expenses. After our son was born, she continued to go to school and work part-time. I continued to pay all expenses. We waited until he was 10 months old until he started going full-time to my mom's house. My son was born October 2022. At that time, my ex was finishing out a 2nd undergraduate degree with a graduation in May 2022. My ex finished the degree in May 2022. During my son's first 10 months, if my ex had class, had to work, etc., either I would be home with our son, my mom would watch him, or we would get a babysitter.

Update: January 21, 2026 (a bit over three weeks later)

UPDATE: A number of people have asked for an update. Not much has happened until a few days ago. On Saturday, one of my ex's cousins (not the one who showed up at my door) (we will call him, "Dave") texted me.

As you probably guessed from my original post, I do not have the best relationship with my ex's family. This was true while we were together. However, I did have a good rapport with this particular cousin.

Apparently, my ex and a number of the other family members had been talking bad about me in the family group chat. Dave reached out to get my side of things, but understood if I did not want to talk. I called him and relayed much of what I said in my original post and comments to him. What I learned from my conversation with Dave is:

1) My ex told her family, after the divorce, that she still co-owned the house with me.

2) That I do not abide by the court's order regarding expenses for our son and that she cannot afford a lawyer to fight me on it.

I set the record straight for him on both accounts. I own 100% of the house and bought her out of her 10% share. I also pay 100% of the medical costs and childcare/education costs for our son as ordered by the court. I also pay more than the court-ordered amount for child support. We talked a little bit more to catch up and I thought nothing of it. Apparently Dave decided to share the details of our conversation in the family group chat.

On Monday, I got an angry long text from my ex about what Dave said in the group chat and that she wanted to talk. We talked yesterday. She expressed how frustrated she is with everything. That she was (and still is) willing to do whatever it takes to make our relationship work. She said if I am not willing to try and make it work, the least I could do is work with her so she can pay me off overtime for the house, put the house in a trust for our son so it stays in the family, and not "bad mouth" her to her family.

I reiterated that there are no circumstances under which I would want to be with her. The least of which is that she is actively lying about me and our divorce to her family. I also restated that I will not let her pay me off for the house because it will take her decades to even pay me back for how much money I have put into the house even if there was no interest. I will not put it in a trust because the type of trust she wants is specifically designed to prevent me from selling the house in the future if I need to do so. I also stated that I did not ask Dave to share any of our conversation and everything I said to him was 100% factual.

I told her moving forward, I am doing no more than what I am legally obligated to do for her. I will only pay the child support amount that is legally required and not a cent more. I will put the extra I was paying towards the money I was already setting aside for our son. If she wants to buy the house, she can at fair market value. But, I will sell the house if, or when, I feel it is appropriate for myself and our son regardless of what her or her family want. If, or when, I sell it I will get the highest price possible regardless of whether that person is part of my ex's family. And if her family keep being a problem about the house, it will probably be sooner rather than later. She left mad, but that is where things stand.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Wow I can’t believe she signed a postnuptial that only gave her 10%. Was it time/conditioned based? Did you both have separate lawyers look it over? How long were you married? So many questions! Did she work? Did all her family take Dave’s version over hers?

OOP: She put up none of her own money to pay for the house. Yes, we had separate lawyers. Not time or conditioned based. We were married almost 6 years. She worked part time and went to school (which I paid for). I have no idea what version the family believed.

Commenter 2: Nothing says “I’m an AH” like having a post nup. You’re not legally wrong about anything but dude, come on. You took her family’s house out from under her. That’s your kid’s family. How do you sleep at night? So gross. YTA.

OOP: How did I take the house from under her? I bought it with my money, renovated it how she wanted, gifted her 10% of the house despite her not paying for any of it with her money, and offered her to buy me out of it. I only still how the house because she asked me to keep it.

If I had not used my inheritance, strangers would be living in this house not her family.

Commenter 3: Good for you. This was a nice update. I hope she felt embarrassed having her lies called out in the group chat like that.

Commenter 4: I really don't understand people like your ex. What was the point of lying about the house to her family? Was she hoping by some unicorn miracle she will wake up one day and her lies would come true and suddenly the house is hers?

----OLD NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: the tangential post is over two months old, and it has not been posted here onto the sub. The ex mentioned in the post is OOP's ex and the mother of his son

AITAH for not allowing my ex to stay at my house while I am out of town with our son when her air conditioning is broke at her place?: August 17, 2026 (seven months later)

I am going to keep this short. I am going on a 10-day trip with my son starting tomorrow. I have FWB (who has not met my son and my ex is not aware of) who will be house sitting and watching my dog while I am gone.

My ex lives with her mom. The A/C at her house has been out intermittently throughout the summer. It is out again. Since I will be out of town, my ex asked if she could stay at my house and offered to watch my dog. I told her "No, I have made arrangements for the dog." She asked if she could stay at the house by herself. I told her, "No." My ex and I do not get along for a myriad of reasons and I rather not have her stay in the house (you can see my previous posts about our relationship if interested). But biggest reason I do not want her to stay is my FWB.

I told my FWB about the situation (in case my ex tries to come by). She said she would be "ok" staying at the house with my ex. She said there is plenty of room. I told her that it could become contentious and I rather not do it. She understood but is willing to accommodate whatever I feel comfortable doing.

AITAH for not letting my ex stay at my house?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA If you guys have a rocky past, I think it’s very entitled and a little suspicious that she wants to stay at your house. That is not a normal thing to ask or expect. I highly doubt she would reciprocate if she were in the position to do so; so why would she expect you to do it?

A privilege like that needs to be earned via some basic respect and trust. I also wouldn’t trust that she wouldn’t bring her mother along with her. I find it interesting. She’s willing to abandon her mother without air-conditioning but not herself? If her mother can live in it, so can she. Edited to include verdict

OOP: Her mom is not staying at the house either just to be clear. Basically, both have been staying with various friends when the A/C has been out. But, your overall point stands.

Downvoted Commenter: No obligation to say yes, I’m sure your reasons are solid. But for the sake of being a great example to your child and current partner and wanting to have a future peaceful time of co parenting you could offer to help her pay for hotel, Airbnb, etc. or another kind gesture to show kindness while she’s dealing with no A/C.

OOP: She got over a $130K in cash in the divorce. She should not be hurting for cash.

Downvoted Commenter: Oh, I’m sure you don’t owe her anything I’m just suggesting you do it anyway, and be the bigger person and take the high road. Always better to treat a situation with more kindness than they deserve.

OOP: I mean, I do not really consider that kindness. You are asking me to spend likely $100s of dollars for someone who can easily afford the expense. Typically, if I am doing that for someone, it is almost always a romantic interest. That is not the behavior of a purely platonic relationship with someone.

Commenter 2: NTA. It is not your responsibility to provide housing for your ex. However, it’s important to try your best to have a good relationship with your child’s other parent. As that is what is best for your child.

Are you in a position financially to help them get the A/C fixed? Could the FWB go back to their own home so your ex can stay there instead? It’s interesting that the FWBs solution was for them BOTH to stay there.

OOP: My FWB loves my dog and wants to be with him. But, he is not allowed at her apartment.

Commenter 3: Surely the ex has other friends she can stay with. So, no. You do not owe anyone use of your house.

Commenter 4: NTA. I highly suspect ex is also thinking it'd be fun to snoop through OP's house while he's gone for 10 days. I could be wrong but....

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I AM NOT OOP, OOP IS: [u/ThrowRAmarki](u/ThrowRAmarki)

Originally posted to: [r/relationship_advice](r/relationship_advice)

I (24M) can’t get over what she(25F) did even though I don’t think I can break up, what can I do? How do we move forward?

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, cheating, low self esteem, possible alcohol abuse, possible addiction

Mood spoiler: pure facepalm inducing frustration

Original post - October 2nd, 2026

I’ve been seeing my girlfriend since February of 2025. Honestly she is my first everything, and she is truly the love of my life, and even though I feel like angry I can’t deny that I love her.

We even officially moved in together June, after she lost her job earlier this year around March, but I got a new job and role and she’s been my pillar. I loved being able to come home to her, and it made going to work bearable because she was at home for me. I work a super dull and boring corporate fintech job and I hate it(my passion is story writing, but what can you do), but she’s been the only reason I haven’t straight up quit.

Around the beginning of September, I found out she got drunk last November on an outing with her friends, and cheated on me. It was devastating and rough to hear. The person who told me was her ex through some burner account, and I didn’t believe him, but he had photos. It wasn’t him she cheated with, but apparently one of his buddies. He told me he was looking out for me and wanted to tell me.

When I confronted her, all hell broke loose, and she admitted it’s true and it was a mistake. I even made sure to ask if she wasn’t coerced or anything, but she admitted it was consensual and a temporary lack in judgment. We argued, and I told her to get out. She begged me that we could work it out, but I was fuming, and packed her stuff while she tried stopping me, and I even got on my knees and told her if she truly cared about me, and if anything between us was real she would leave. I dropped her off at her old place to stay with her former roommate who is her friend.

Around 2-3 weeks went by, I had her blocked on everything. She even waited outside my apartment sometimes, but I told her not to and ignored her. I spoke with her friend and told her if she needed any cash I would be okay giving her some cash because I did kick her out. But I was miserable too. Coming home didn’t feel normal, and it sucked. I dreaded going home, stayed at the office longer than I needed too, went in on days even when I didn’t need to. I was miserable. I unblocked her and asked her to come over. She showed, she was crying, and telling me she had been wanting to chat and begged me to listen to her. We talked and she even said she would do therapy together or something if we needed.

Tbh, I was just happy to see her, and I also hugged her and cried, and it all spilled out. I told her I was mad that she cheated and idk if I could ever forgive her for doing it and then hiding it, but I also did miss her, and the past 12 days were miserable.

Anyway, we kinda semi-made up, and she moved back in. I have been trying to be nice because I did kick her out so suddenly and I feel terrible about that. I got her some shoes and bags she wanted, but she hasn’t even unpacked them, she thinks she doesn’t deserve it. She also cried a few more times and apologized. I told her I forgive her, but idk.

I also feel weak and pathetic for not respecting myself and for folding after just 12 days without her. But it was miserable coming back to an empty house with none of her things.

Part of me wishes I never found out and we could go back to before I found out. I genuinely would rather not know so I don’t feel like a lesser man for wanting to be with her, and so I would not have hurt her and kicked her out of the house. I even took her out to her favorite spot and we had a good date last week, but it ended with her saying “I’m not sure if I need or deserves all this” and she let a few silent tears out, and I had to hug her and say I forgive her.

How do we all just move on. I know I am a lesser man for taking her back, but I just want to not feel that way and just enjoy my time with her, and for her to stop feeling guilty about it too. Do I just tell her not to bring it up ever again? Did I ruin it by asking her to leave?

RELEVANT COMMENTS(The word “commenter” is abbreviated as ‘c’ from here on out, so ‘C1’ means ‘Commenter #1’ and so on):

C1: Yikes. Sorry this happened to you. I personally could never forgive cheating. What was her reasoning for doing it? Doesn’t it make you wonder if there were other instances this happened outside of this where there was actual proof? Trust will be hard to rebuild but you chose to forgave. You may find it harder than expected especially when she goes out with just her girlfriends.

OP to C1: I did. But she’s a homebody and rarely goes out. She was on a girls trip, and none of them knew either, and she got some flak from them too. Only 2 of her friends knew and encouraged her but about 2 months after that trip she stopped being friends with them and some unrelated group drama kicked them out, but she said she hated them since then, and was okay to see them leave the group.

There is always going to be doubt and that’s my issue. She offered to stop going out with her friends and never go on trips again but that’s not realistic. I want to be able to trust her.

But she did say, even back in March when she lost her job, she wants to never drink again and be sober forever, and she’s been good about that with no slip ups. I don’t drink anyway because my grandpa was an alcoholic and my dad raised me telling me addiction runs in our family and we should be careful so I never do anything of that sort, so she said she wants to join me. And she’s been good there. And stuff like that is why I love her so much. My cholesterol is higher than normal so I am weaning off red meat, and she is too even though she doesn’t have to.

Idk

C1 to OP: I still don’t see what was her reasoning for cheating? Is it that she felt confined for being a homebody and wanted to let loose? Was it the alcohol impairing her judgement? The reason makes a difference.

OP to C1: Alcohol, they were both drunk

C2: Sounds like you’re rewarding her behavior by buying her things.

OP to C2: No I was rather fucked up for packing her stuff in front of her when she was begging me not to and kicking her out when she had nowhere else to go. Her friends landlord already filled her old room with someone else, so she had to sleep in the couch and it’s only by luck her ex-roommates new roommate was chill and let her stay and didn’t snitch. Imagine she had nowhere to go and because I saw red she had to be on the street. Her parents live in another country and might not even be able to come here on time.

I own the part where I fucked up.

C3: Cheat on her back. Or use the guilt to get one sided open relationship, ideally.

OP to C3: I don’t want anyone except her man, I wish I could bring myself to just think like that, it’s not like that though. Idk why

C4: Sorry this happened to you. You kicking her out of the house isn’t something you should feel bad about, a lot of people would react the same way. Why are you buying her gifts and stuff is it because you feel guilty for kicking her out? Clearly she’s remorseful and you love her, but shit that stuff will leave a permanent mark on your brain that you won’t ever forget. I don’t have a ton of advice, but you seem like a really good guy.

OP to C4: Yeah. I didn’t even know if she had a place to stay when I kicked her out. I took her back to her old place, but the landlord had already filled her old room with someone else. Her ex-roommates new roommate was chill and let her sleep on the couch for those 12 days, but her parents don’t even live in this country and she doesn’t have family here. I wish I thought more rationally. Her ex-roommate is her friend but they aren’t super tight, and she had to sleep on the couch and stay at that place for 12 days and feel like a nuisance and impose on them. I can’t imagine it must’ve been easy. It’s stupid but even after everything I like her and can’t stand to think about how terrible that situation must’ve been for her. I wish I like went and got a hotel room or something and let her stay in the apartment till I could calm down.

C4 to OP: Was her losing her job in march around the time of the cheating? Did she lose her job related to alcohol?

OP to C4: She lost the job March, and the other incident was last November. The job loss was because of layoffs not her fault. Unrelated incidents

C5: I’m sorry but you are foolish for taking back a cheater.

OP to C5: I know and objectively if I saw this happening to another man I would feel the same, but idk man

C6: "Officially moved in together." Is that somehow different from unofficially moving in? What officiants were involved? You moved in together AFTER she lost her job? No bueno. And after she cheated, you took her back after less than two weeks?

"How do we all just move on"? You just pretend that she is not a cheater and you don't expect her to go out and get drunk and do it all over again while she knows you will welcome her with open arms, because you have shown her that's who you are. "She let a few silent tears out, and I had to hug her and say I forgive her." Cut and print.

"Did I ruin it by asking her to leave?' No. You ruined it by bringing her back.

OP to C6: We planned to move in anyway, even when she had a job, just waited for the lease to wrap up on her end

Update - October 11th, 2026

So basically, a couple days after my first post I got another job offer in a city 9 hours away. They wanted me to start within two weeks, and the current place I work for is at-will and while a two week notice is standard, I told them I had to leave ASAP, and wrapped everything up in two days and started packing up. I flew out to the new city, and found a temporary place that does leasing by month, got it for two months, and broke the contract and paid it out to my current place. My previous apartment and this one are pre-furnished, so there wasn’t much to move. I like getting apartments pre-furnished, less stuff to move and I don’t need to set up my own internet.

She came with me. The shoes and bag I bought her, I handed them over to my cousin telling her that they were the wrong size for my girlfriend. They aren’t my cousins size either so she said she would give them to her girlfriend or a friend. My girl said she really doesn’t feel like she deserved it, and wanted me to give it away.

It’s been a return to normal slowly. We’ve been in the new apartment since Friday. We drove and moved here in middle of the hurricane prep so that was something to say at the least. We live right above a grocery store. She really likes this place so we may move into a more permanent lease after spending sometimes here.

I only start next Tuesday(not this Tuesday) so we have time here still.

I really like her. I know it’s weak to forgive her and try to move on, but I really do want to. She told me I should see her phone anytime and gave me all her passwords, and I check them randomly still, but I do trust her for now(I will still check randomly). She said she will never hang out with her girlfriends without me or go out without me, but I told her thats not possible and we can build trust again. Well, she may be right in a way, because now we’re in a new place and we don’t know anyone. She is a homebody and rarely leaves the house so idk how she will make friends here. All her friends were people she knew from college.

Anyway, we also started looking at online relationship counselors and things. Maybe some group therapy. She has been trying to make up for it and ask for forgiveness in many different ways, she never even lets me cook anymore. I don’t want her to be like this either, I told her we gotta return to some type of normal.

I am just rambling but new city, new environment, I want her here. Can’t imagine how much worse this move and things would’ve been without her here.

Not much of an update, but when I was opening my devices again to make sure all of them were connected to the internet, I saw this and just wanted to close it out. I know a lot of you will be unhappy with the choice I took, but I just wanna move past it. I can’t imagine my life without her in it, and I know it makes me look like a weak man, but I really do like her. And she’s also been a good partner aside from this thing. I wanna choose to believe it was the alcohol that night and just not something she would usually do. And with us being 100% sober now, I have hope. I just want a life with her, I can’t imagine anything else.

Anyway I will end the rambling now.

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

C1: Doormats are like $7.99 at Lowe’s.

She’s got one that goes out and gets her a paycheck.

C2: And they lived miserably ever after.

C3: People on Reddit have zero respect for him, imagine what his gf thinks of him?

He’s at work in a new city and she’s flat on her back with Guy de jour in her laughing at OP

THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT OOP

REMEMBER BORU RULE #7 AND DO NOT CONTACT OR COMMENT ON ANY OF THE OOP’S ORIGINAL POSTS, KEEP ALL CONVERSATION IN BORU

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/woozlefangirl

I [22F] am getting married soon. My mom had an affair 5 years ago and destroyed our family. We are slowly rebuilding a relationship but it's not close. Dad just told me if she's at the wedding he can't come. Help me!

Original BoRU

Original Post May 13, 2016

I am a long time lurker but a first time poster. I never thought I would be posting to Reddit, but here we are!

Quick  side note, I know my fiance and I are very young but we have been  together for years and were friends since childhood before we became a  couple. Also, hate to say it, but we are religious and it's common in  our culture to marry young. We've been through both pre-marital and  financial counseling so we feel very prepared :)

Anyways,  my issue at hand has to do with the wedding. My fiance, "Steve" and I  are getting married in 8 months. We don't have a lot of money and  honestly neither of us can stand fancy-do's so we are having a very  private ceremony with only his best man and my maid of honor as  witnesses and then we are having a tiny reception afterwards with only  50 people total. So obviously this is going to be quite an intimate  reception.

Here is the thing. My  parents can't really stand each other. Or at least my dad can't stand my  mom. Five years ago, in my last year of high school, my mother was  caught having an affair with her married coworker. It destroyed my  parents marriage.

My father became  a changed man. He was always a happy and confident outgoing guy but he  became quiet, withdrawn and just...empty. It's killed me seeing him like  this.

My mother moved out because  me and my younger brother (who was 15 at the time) basically told her  to GTFO. I have always been close with my mom, loved her to pieces, but  finding out about her affair and seeing what it did to my dad (I've  always known my dad to adore my mother) nuked my relationship with her.

My  brother and I went no contact with her for about a year. I finally  relented when I sent her an invitation to my high school graduation, but  made it clear her partner was not invited. My brother took a little  longer to come around but he talks to her from time to time. Both of us  told the judge we wanted to live with our dad full time which was  granted to us.

My relationship  with my mother is still strained and distant. I know she wants more,  she's constantly trying to talk to me and she sobbed in relief when I  sent her my graduation invite after not talking to her for almost a  year, but I keep her at arm's length and merely make polite casual  conversation now and again. I still love my mother and I don't want to  cut her out completely but this is as close as I want her and I will  never again have a close relationship with her.

As for her affair partner (apparently they are still together after his  wife caught and divorced him) I have never met him and made it clear to  my mother I do not want to. If Mom and I meet for coffee or anywhere he  is not to come, I refuse to see pictures or discuss him with her. If she  brings him up I immediately change the subject. I have no idea if my  mom is happy with him, if they doing well, etc.  I frankly don't care.

As  for my father...in a way we are closer but he clearly has his issues.  It's been 5 years and he's clearly not over the cheating and divorce.  He's not angry or bitter about it, just very sad and depressed. He won't  call my mom or her lover by their names. He calls them "he/him" and  "she/her." He hasn't dated once since the divorce either.

He  won't be around her. For my graduation, they had to be at polar  opposite ends of the bleachers and I had to have my phone on me so I  could text my mom when she was allowed to approach and congratulate me  and then so I could text my dad to let him know my mom left. It will be  this way when I graduate college as well.

So,  my question goes to my wedding. After I told my dad what Steve and I  had planned for our wedding and reception he got very quiet and asked if  I planned on inviting "her and him."

I  said yes I would probably invite my mom even though her partner is not  invited. My dad quietly said it's rude to only invite one half of a  couple. He then said he didn't think he could come if she was going to  be there. That maybe he could be there before or after she comes, but he  just doesn't think he could interact with her in such a close setting.

I was floored and very hurt. I told my dad I would think about it.

Steve and I need to start sending out save-the-dates pretty soon so we need  to get this resolved. I've talked about this with Steve and while he is  very sweet and says he will fully support me no matter what decision I  make, that I'm the only one who can make this choice.

I  also talked to my brother about it and he says he will show up no matter what but he won't have much to do with our mother (if she's  invited) beyond basic courtesies and that he understands dad's position  but thinks he's being kind of ridiculous. He also said technically it's  rude to not invite her boyfriend but it's also pretty rude to destroy  two families by having an affair with another married man so her  boyfriend can go fuck himself and Mother can shove wedding etiquette up  her ass. Personally he'd prefer I not invite her either but it's my  wedding and I can do what I want and he will roll with it (my brother is  a very blunt man and has not been as forgiving of the affair as I  have).

So now I'm stuck. On the one hand if we are being honest, I really do want to invite my mother to  my wedding reception. I absolutely WILL NOT invite her boyfriend  regardless of how tacky it seems. He is not and will never be a part of  our family. And honestly, I'm kind of angry with my dad. Believe me, I understand his pain and hurt but it's been 5 years and I think he needs  to start moving on. It's fine if he doesn't like Mom, I don't much like  her either, but to boycott my own wedding because she might be coming?!? Get over yourself! It's like his hurt feelings are more important than  his only daughter's wedding! He really can't suck it up and just be in a  reception hall with her for a few hours?

On  the other...I really love my dad. I hate seeing him hurt, I can't stand  causing him pain. If I absolutely have to choose between my two parents  I will pick my father every time. Despite him being kind of a wet blanket about the wedding he's a good man with a good heart. My dad and I  are very close and I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with him and I would much rather he be at my wedding than my mother. Plus I'm  thinking since I refuse to invite my mom's boyfriend and it really is  considered a wedding faux pas I just shouldn't invite her altogether. I really don't want my dad to not come.

But, despite how my mom and I are not and will never be close again and how I  think she's getting her just desserts for having an affair...I don't want to hurt her by not inviting her altogether.

I'm  well and truly stuck. I don't know what to do and honestly I've broken down crying over this a few times because it's just so stressful and I feel caught in the middle between two people I love. Please help Reddit.

TL;DR  Mom had an affair 5 years ago and parents divorced. Mom and I have  somewhat reconciled but we aren't very close. I am getting married. My dad is not angry but told me he doesn't think he can come to my tiny  reception if my mom will be there. I want to invite both my parents but  feel torn. My mother's lover is not invited regardless of decisions.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

When asked if her mom was a great mom and has OOP had therapy?

She was actually a pretty great Mom until the affair but it could be she's an asshole AND a good mother.

I  went to my own personal therapy during and after the divorce and  reflecting back on it my dad was always very good to my mom, showed her  lots of affection, gave praise, helped her when she was sick, would  spontaneously buy her flowers and other presents etc. But my mom never  really reciprocated. It's always been obvious to me my dad adored my mom  but thinking back, I wasn't ever sure she loved him because she  certainly never showed it.

My therapist also pointed out that people can be good parents but also  terrible partners and/or people outside of that role and that honestly  helped me come to terms with getting over the affair between reconciling  the mother I knew who I loved and was close with and this selfish  person who did a terrible thing to our family. I really think she is one  of those people my therapist described (good parent, bad partner and/or  person) and that the two aren't mutually exclusive or inclusive.

~

RememberKoomValley

Options as I see them:

1. Invite them both.  Sit down with your dad and say "Look, I love you and I want you to be there. You are going to regret missing it. You won't have to talk to her. If she tries to talk to you I'll have her thrown out. It's important to me that she be there even though we're not close anymore, and it's important to me that you be there, and while the choice is obviously yours, I'm going to be really hurt if you don't come. (With this option, tell your mother that she is not to engage with your siblings or your father, that she's not to attempt to mend any broken fences at the event.)

2. Invite one to the wedding and one to the reception. Or one to the rehearsal and one to the actual day.  Probably your mother should get the reception or rehearsal in that case.

3. Invite neither of them. Nuclear option. "If you can't behave like adults, just don't come." Not recommended. 

It's healthy to avoid certain people being in your life. To some extent I can see where your dad is coming from--I've regularly recommended that someone just not go somewhere that, say, an ex-abuser is going to be in attendance. But if he were here I would almost certainly tell him to suck it up.

I will say that if they end up in the same room, it should absolutely not fall on your shoulders to be texting your dad and telling him when it's OK to approach.  Someone else needs to do that for you, if that has to happen; you're going to be under enough stress.

OOP

This is really good advice.

I've considered inviting my dad to the wedding itself and my mom to the reception but neither Steve nor I really want to do this. It's very nontraditional on both our parts to have a super private ceremony but we have it this way for a reason (we don't want a large audience and it was too hard to pick which people to have there and which to only have at the reception so we said "screw it, just our closest friends as witnesses."

I really do need to sit my dad down and talk to him about this again. I really like your option number one, it's very good, thank you for this whole post.

Update  June 1, 2016 (18 Days Later)

Hi  everyone. Sorry I took so long to post but I got very busy, part of  which was spent graduating college so I'm glad THAT's finally out of the  way. Here is the link for those who need a recap:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4j727c/i_22f_am_getting_married_soon_my_mom_had_an/

WARNING:  This is a VERY long update. Also this post is probably going to get  flamed. Judging how the comments went down as more time went on the  longer my post was up, this is probably going to anger many people. But  there were also lots of nice and helpful people too, especially u/RememberKoomValley

So I was reading all the comments and the more time went on the more angry  and upset I became. People eventually started saying why should parents always have to sacrifice for children, some said I was being a bridezilla and only caring about my day (of course I care! It's my  wedding! It's supposed to be a once in a lifetime event that I want to share with everyone!), many people said my dad had depression and my mother's actions were so evil he was forever off the hook for good. Everyone was giving suggestions on how I could meticulously plan the days to rotate everyone and I felt like screaming.

Steve  eventually told me to get off of Reddit because he hated seeing me so  upset. I couldn't even say exactly WHY I was upset. I just was. Steve said maybe I should go back to my old therapist that I had when my  parents got divorced and talk it out with her. To me, this seemed like a  great idea. I called her up and asked to have an appointment, despite finals being right around the corner.

So I went and EVERYTHING came out. How much I hurt still from what Mom did  and how we can never be close again. And honestly how ANGRY I am at my  father. I never really realized it, but I've gotten so furious and resentful of him. How he never even TRIED to get out of his funk, how  dejected he acted if mom somehow came up, how he never said anything  DIRECTLY bad about her but subtly made me feel so guilty for loving her. Acting mopey, going from fine to depressed if she somehow came up, how I always feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him and how he gets a free pass because he got cheated on; Something that happens to tons  of people every day.

I talked and  talked and talked. I made a couple more appointments. I got through  finals (I want to shout out to Steve here. He is the only reason I got through it all, passed, and got my degree. He is an incredible human  being.)

The tipping point was my  graduation day. Once again, my father made it clear Mom couldn't be sat  near him and he couldn't be near her at all. I had to text her when she  could come talk to me and had to text him once she left.

Her boyfriend was, of course, not invited. But it was so embarrassing  having to contact the officials in charge of the ceremony and ask if my tickets could be changed so my parents could sit far away from each other. They were kind and understanding but that's when I began to get very very angry. My mom has no problem with my dad. She doesn't mind  being near him even though she doesn't love him. I began to think how I'm going to have to rearrange ALL my milestones. My marriage, when I have children, my children's christenings and birthday parties...etc.

Graduation  was miserable. I couldn't look in any one direction to see my family as I got my degree and walked the stage because they had to be spread out.

I  had to make sure my phone was on me and fully charged so I could coordinate my mother and father's locations. It was so awkward mingling  with one group and then my mother, knowing both groups were waiting to have their turn.

My brother interacted with my mother and he was kind of cold but cordial  nonetheless. My mother made no complaints, didn't try to argue or force  herself in there, and patiently waited for her "turn" even though I could tell she was dying to spend more time with me. Pictures had to be  rotated. I couldn't have ONE with all my family in there. My father was constantly texting during my time with her asking if she had left yet  and if he could come back now.

It  seemed so...CHILDISH. Honestly, the rest of my family could tolerate my  mother being around. After all, the divorce was YEARS ago. It's time to start getting over it and moving on with life. It was only because of my DAD that I couldn't relax and just be happy and enjoy my graduation  with my family.

I was supposed to  go to dinner with my dad, boyfriend and other family after graduation to celebrate. I told them I felt very sick and I needed to go home. I just  didn't want to be around anyone anymore.

Steve just held me while I bawled my eyes out. I hadn't cried that hard in years. I met with my therapist a couple more times. This is turning into a novel so I will summarize what I came to realize in therapy:

While the initial anger and hate I felt for my mom was real, I never stopped loving her. But, I felt like because my dad had been wronged, I had to  take "his side." My dad has always made me feel guilty for loving my  mother still. While his actions have never been overt, it has been very  subtle manipulation. I felt like I had to give my dad cart blanche whatever he wanted because if I didn't I felt like I would lose him too. That he would reject and have nothing to do with me if I didn't  practically ostracize my mother. My mother was at one point my best friend and that's gone. I couldn't stand losing BOTH my parents. So dad  has gotten whatever he wanted. And I'm realizing that in a subtle way, Dad has been manipulating my brother and I to treat our mother terribly  for years to punish her. My dad has always been a super passive aggressive guy. It's nothing new. He's always guilt tripped people and  made these little comments that twist people up and hurt them. It's his  form of control.

I love both my parents. My mother did a terrible horrible thing but my dad is no saint either. My mom was just more upfront about her awfulness.

My therapist and Steve also pointed out that if my dad IS truly depressed or emotionally damaged etc. he has never sought to get help for it. Instead he has projected his problems and pain onto everyone else and  made it their burden instead of taking responsibility for himself and attempting to go on with life and that is not ok.

I called my mom and asked her over for tea. Steve left to give us privacy. I could list everything we said and talked about but it would make the post longer. Basically my mom never loved my dad and should never have  agreed to marry him. My dad knew mom didn't love him but didn't care and  insisted she would love him eventually. Some very eye opening things  were said that made sense.

My mother never trash talked my dad (never has) but she gave insights as to  why the affair happened. She says she understands it's no excuse for what she did and she is so very sorry for her own selfishness and weakness.

Basically both my parents are human and mistakes were made from both sides. My mom had the affair yes, but it's not like my dad was the perfect man either.

While I still will never again be close to my mom perhaps I don't need to be  quite as harsh with her as I have been. We will still be low contact but  I did decided I DO want her there for the wedding and for the birth of  any children I have, etc. I love my mom. Always have and always will. She may not have been a good wife but she WAS an excellent mother and I  don't want to cut her out completely. I think my kids lives will be more enriched having her in it.

My mother started crying when I told her she was invited to the wedding  (even though I made it clear to her her boyfriend is not invited. She didn't argue with me on that at all) and said she thought I had asked  her to my house to tell her I would NOT be inviting her and she had been  prepared to accept that rejection and understand it. I did tell her that if dad was there she was to stay away from him and not try to mend  any fences at my wedding. She says she understands completely and will  mingle with my grandparents (her parents) and my aunts, uncles and  cousins (her siblings and their children). I made it clear to my mother  that if she even attempted to talk to dad or any of his family she would  be thrown out. She agreed without question.

Steve and I had a final sit down before I called my dad. I asked him to please give me his honest opinion. Steve relented and said while he  thought my mother had done the inexcusable, she actually seemed remorseful and willing to accept the consequences of her actions and to move on and that my dad, while a nice guy, came off as way too sensitive  and just weak. He said that my dad didn't cheat but he had caused me a lot of pain and anxiety since the divorce and it made him very angry and  it was getting hard to like or tolerate my dad and that his family felt the same way, that my dad was actually a master bully in disguise as a  super nice guy.

I called my dad and asked to come over and that I needed to talk about something. I sat him down in his living room (so this talk was in his space where he  could retreat if he needed to) and said basically "Dad. I love you so so  much. You mean the world to me. But after the fiasco of my graduation  I've come to realize I have had enough of feeling like I have to pick sides for you and mom. I'm sorry what happened Dad. I really am. But  that was 5 years ago. You lost a wife, but I didn't lose a mom. I'm sure  you don't mean to, but you've been making me feel like I can't be close  with you if I want to have any kind of relationship with mom.If it's still impossible to even be in the room with her dad, then maybe you  need to talk to someone so you can start feeling better and not be in so  much pain. Is there some kind of abuse that happened that you're not  telling me about that makes this impossible?"

My  dad seemed shocked and then started to get REALLY upset and basically said mom had never hit him or anything but that "she cheated and broke  his heart and that was reason enough to cut her out"

Dad also said I couldn't understand because I hadn't been cheated on, I didn't know what real love was and also implied it was MY fault and my brothers fault because "if we weren't a part of their relationship he  could move on" but we always remind him of her and what they had, how because of us he can't make a clean break since she's in our lives etc.

I'm  sure many redditors will disagree but this is my dad being typically  passive. Insinuating that because my brother and I exist he can't get  better because we are reminders of mother and it's our fault we exist so he can't cut her out totally. I realize that my dad thinks that if he can get me and my brother to cut my mom out, not only will he succeed in  punishing her but he can have us all to himself and not have to share  with her and deal with his hurt. He's getting us to do the dirty work  for him so he doesn't have to take responsibility.

I told my dad that I loved him and wanted him at the wedding but Mother is invited. Her boyfriend isn't but she is. I told dad that I had talked  to her and I promised him she would leave him alone and stay away from  him and his family and could he not just put aside differences for a few  hours to celebrate with me and Steve on our day?

He said absolutely not and that I was being unfair and insensitive and  that my mom had poisoned me against him. That he wasn't the cheat and  she needed to deal with what she had done and not come and by inviting her I was clearly supporting her cheating and that we couldn't be close  if that was the case because I was being too much like her.

I  had had enough. I stood up and said, "Dad, Steve and I really want you there. You are free to come or not. I love you. But if you don't come, it will absolutely affect our relationship going forward. I am not doing  anymore separate celebrations or events. People can either come or stay  home for weddings, parties, births and whatever. It's getting ridiculous and I'm sick of being in the middle. The rest is up to you and Mom."

Then I left. I haven't heard from my dad since. That's been hard, but I feel like I did the right thing.

I also called my brother and told him everything that happened. My brother was very quiet. He then said while he still hates our mom for  what she did and thinks she's a whore that maybe there is more to this  than he realized and that he thinks our dad is being a selfish jerk and  needs to get over himself. He said it's fine mom is coming to the wedding and that he would be nice to her.

So  that's that. I'm sure many will disagree and be angry with me but Steve and I feel we made the right call. Steve loves and supports me and that's all that matters. I talked to my therapist about it and she said it's possible I was harsh but that maybe my dad needed to hear that  since he has been coddled and enabled for five years.

I am fully prepared for my dad to not show up. If he doesn't it's his loss. Thanks again to everyone who gave me input, some of your comments  were very eye opening. I may post an update in the future after the  wedding but I haven't decided yet.

TL;DR  Broke down and went to therapy. Realized my dad is very passive  aggressive and manipulative. My graduation day was horrible but a  catalyst to realize things can't continue this way and I'm tired of  being in the middle. Had a heart to heart with mom, realized my parents  relationship is not a case of saint vs. sinner but two people who are  human and made mistakes. Told mom she's invited but boyfriend is not and  she will be asked to leave if she approaches my dad or any of his  family. Talked to dad and told him he's hurting me with his behavior and  it needs to stop. My dad is not speaking to me and there's a good chance he will boycott the wedding. Talked to brother and he supports me  and says dad is being unfair. I'm just happy I get to marry Steve and  that I don't have to be stuck in bullshit drama anymore.

EDIT:  wow this blew up! Thank you everyone who commented and offered a POV. Except for the people sending PM's of death threats. I've gotten at  least half a dozen of those, plus calling me a whore (ironic since I'm a  virgin) and hoping Steve cheats. You sound like lovely warm people full  of happiness.

I wanted to point out some things that keep coming up:

1. Remember I come from a religion and culture that is very different from most  people here. Divorce is shameful for us. It is humiliating. The only justifiable reason for divorce is an affair for our people. Divorce "because you're not happy" is not an excusable reason. An affair is the only way out. However, that being said, the person who commits the affair has just crippled themselves. Sex is very holy and pure in our  religion and culture. It is to be between husband and wife only. That's it. And if you break up a marriage because of it you are forever blacklisted. While my mother could/should have gotten a divorce without  having an affair, she STILL would have had a scarlet letter on her chest  for getting divorced for "no reason" which is an ultimate act of selfishness. Marriage is very holy in our culture. To divorce for any  reason other than an affair is "to be like an unbelieving sinner" which is, quite simply, not acceptable. I don't necessarily agree with this as I'm a little more liberal than the rest of my family and most people  but it is what it is

2. My  mother did NOT get off Scott free. She is no longer welcome in her church and none of her friends associate with her anymore. Her family, her friends, her church, her entire community has shunned her. She also  lost her job because dipping your pen in company ink is expressly  frowned upon at her former work place. Both she and her lover lost their jobs and had to find new ones

3. Many are saying I need to start including my moms partner in things and saying the fact she has been with him this whole time shows they have  something special. It actually does not. I didn't put this in my post  but my mom and I actually talked about her boyfriend for the first time.  They are on the verge of breaking up and their relationship has been  rocky for awhile. "P"'s family and friends have disowned him too. He is not of our religion or culture (double bogus for my mom for taking a  lover outside the faith) but no one wants anything to do with P. His ex wife has made their lives hell and will not let him see his kids. When he does see them they treat my mother terribly and make their hatred  known. P is also sick of being not invited to every family event on our side and says Mom needs to start demanding he be invited to things. Mom  is of the view point that they brought misery on themselves and need to accept the consequences of their actions and furthermore knows that if  she insisted on bringing P she would burn the last of the bridges she  has with us and will not do that. P is sick of her "not putting him first" and their relationship is falling apart because of it. The only  reason they have lasted this long is because my mom and P only have each  other because no one else wants them. And they both know it. My mom  actually does love her boyfriend but he does not love her anymore and  she knows they aren't going to make it

4. Many  are saying (even explicitly hoping) Steve cheats on me so I understand  my dads pain because I clearly don't since I haven't been cheated on  (hey that's what my dad said!). This experience has actually taught me the opposite. If Steve were to cheat I would be out of my mind with pain  and hurt. I wouldn't be able to function. I don't blame my dad for being unable to be around my mother. At first. If I had children with  Steve, as much as it would SUCK, I would put on my big girl pants and do what needed to be done for my kids. I've gotten plenty of comments and  PM's from people who WERE cheated on and heartbroken and  devastated...and they did what needed to be done. Since I now know what  it's like to have parents that pick their pain over their kids I know I  would NEVER want to put my kids through that. It's just basic human  decency.

5. I  am not on any parents side. I don't love either of my parents more nor do I think either should be demonized and bashed or out on a pedestal and coddled.My parents are human and imperfect. They are both great  people. And they both have done some really shitty things. That's it and  that's all

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

when Satan’s intern comes to stay

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

Original Post  July 24, 2011

I work in a field that’s big on mentoring — at one point or another, everyone in my field had to intern. In fact, the program I graduated from requires a 6-week internship in the final year. I had some great experiences that really helped shape my career as an intern, so now that I’m doing well and am in a position to pay it forward, I did. After giving a skype-talk to students at the university I graduated from, I was contacted by one of them asking to intern with me. She was quite aggressive and had a lengthy portfolio and resume, as well as good references from people I trust at the university, so I agreed.

I’m based overseas, and I explained to her multiple times that while she’s welcome to come, my company was not able to cover her travel or living costs while here, nor were we able to pay her for the internship (this isn’t uncommon — most internships in my field are unpaid). I said this to her verbally as well as in writing, and my manager repeated this information as well.

I work from home, so in the interest of giving her the best experience, we worked out that she’d be based with me for the first half, then go with me to the main office in another city, where she’d finish the internship. At some point in the lead up to this, she asked if she could stay at my house while she was job shadowing me, and somehow, in a fit of wanting to help her out, I agreed.

Once she arrived, it quickly went downhill. I discovered that not only had she not booked any sort of hotel in the other city she’d be staying in, but she hadn’t even researched costs in that city — and it’s pricey, and lacking in hostels or other cheap, safe ammenities. While, during work hours, she was flipping out about this, I gave her a couple of possible solutions and reassured her as much as I could, and came up with a solution that I’d actually used when I first moved overseas to that city.

I gave her a few tasks, and was generally unimpressed — it took her far longer than it should, and she didn’t even bother to spellcheck her work before submitting it to me. But I thought “ok, she’s young and it’s her first day.” I also looked the other way when she asked me or my flatmates repeatedly about the “party” scene in our city and seemed more interested in going out and meeting guys than, you know, working. Her first day, I cited first-day jitters and jet lag for the weird behavior. But over the next two days it plummeted even more. Not only was she not performing (to the point I had to basically spoon feed her every tiny task, and was told by my flatmate that, while I was out on work meetings, she’d come back home for lunch at noon to find the intern. . . still asleep), but I had several panicked phone calls from the university — turns out the intern was sending back emails to them basically freaking out that she couldn’t afford this internship, and it was my, my company, and the university’s responsibility to make sure she could. Emails she’d also sent to my boss.

Meanwhile, two days away from home and she was sobbing and crying in my living room . . . The final straw, however, was when one of her friends back home started tweeting about how dare my company not pay our interns and expect them to shell out x amounts for the pleasure of being our slaves, how dare I, personally, treat her this way, and what a horrible horrible company and organization we were to do this to the poor girl. . . tagging both myself, the university, and my company. We’re a media company, so our Twitter feeds are actually part of our online brand and we have thousands of followers. Who all got to see this vitriol. Including my boss’s boss, when our web guy, confused as to what this was, alerted other managers to it, trying to find the culprit so we could get the posts deleted. When both I and the school contacted the intern, she didn’t seem to see why this behavior was such a big deal — and she declined to get her friend to remove the posts.

We had no choice; we had to fire her. I felt horrible about it, and she left … taking with her work she hadn’t completed, as well as my spare phone I’d lent her for her stay. And for the next two weeks more posts went up from her and her friend, tagging my company, about how horrible we all were, how unprofessional, and how I should be fired.

Fast forward several weeks and she’s back home, trying to find another internship (she needs the credit to graduate, and while if she had completed the projects I’d given her I would have counted the week she was with, since she finished barely half a day’s work in total with me, I just couldn’t), as well as get a job post-graduation. And since her blog and online portfolio which she’s sending out still says she’s going to be interning with my company, and my field back home is fairly small, I’ve gotten a few calls.

My questions are: what responsibility do I have to this girl and her new employers? It’s possible she just freaked out completely — people at the university say this behavior was out of character for her — how much tale-telling am I allowed or obligated to do? I am totally disgusted with her behavior and her friend’s behavior, who both seem to have come out of this feeling self righteous and put upon. I’m 26, I’m on facebook, twitter, etc and I’m careful about it. . . but these kids, barely younger than me, seem to think they can do or say anything they want, and that offends me. Moreover, they have both damaged my credibility with my company — not only did they behave badly on my watch, but they tarnished the reputation of the institution my degree comes from. What can I do to repair that? And is there anything I can do to make sure these two children don’t do this again to someone else? I wasn’t fired — although if I had written those tweets I could have been — but the next person might not be so lucky. Finally, as someone whose name and reputation is crucial to my field, it’s now still sitting out there in cyberland that I’m some sort of horrible unprofessional ogre. What can I do?

Update  Dec 14, 2011 (5 Months Later)

Alas, there’s no heartwarming tale of redemption here. She never called me to apologize and tearfully profess how much she’d learned from the experience, there was no metaphorical hug-and-share-and-love-and-grow moment. Professionally I know that can’t be expected. this isn’t a Sweet Valley High book, even if she did behave like a teenage.

What did happen: after we fired her, she absconded back home, taking with her my spare phone I might add, as well as never turning in the last few assignements she had assured me she had finished. My first week in my main head office was a little rough: I was nervous people were going to hold her behaviour against me. Thankfully, they were mostly just baffled. i took the advice of your readers and either didn’t bring it up, or addressed it directly with my boss and my web guy head on privately. They were incredibly cool and sympathetic about it. I later found out through the office grapevine that my boss, who is based in the main office and only sees me in person once or twice a month, had railed against the intern privately to some coworkers at after work drinks one night, along the lines of how dare she do this to me, after everything I’ve done for her. So it turned out he actually had my back pretty well, and it’s all settled fairly nicely. I’ve also been in touch with the school, and after our last conversation about this, the head of the internship program (who incidentally was one of my professors while I was at school) said as an aside how ‘impressed she was with how professionally and reasonably I handled this.” So, as some of your ever-helpful readers speculated, I may have even increased my own reputation by not melting down over this.

As for the intern herself, I did keep a few tabs on her after she left. The tweets eventually stopped. After speaking with my boss and HR, they thought it would be less confrontational if I approached the Twitter Fiend Friend directly, to ask her to remove the tweets. She’s also an alum from my university, so I think the thinking was that would be casual and have it all stop with a minimum of drama. Her response was acres of vitriol, demanding to know what had happened and why the intern was ‘really’ fired before she’d even consider removing her posts (I informed her that that sort of thing was confidential between the intern adn the company, and ended that email chain). She was in dragon slaying mode for a long time though, and I still occassionally get tagged in posts from her, usually when she’s in an Occupy Wall Street mode and I apparently become the empodiment of the entitled ‘man’ keeping she and her special little snowflake friends ‘down’. I mostly try to laugh at these now, as she doesn’t seem to realize I’m no where near the age, affluence etc of this evil corporate figurehead she seems to want to battle. She is deeply involved in the whole no-more-unpaid-internship movements and I’m told by friends that I’ve even been referenced in a megaphone speech at a rally as a symbol of what will eventually destroy our industry. And that people like me should take our bloated salaries and bonus’ and use those to pay our slaves (um, what bonus? Has she looked at salary expectations in our fields? Anemic, not bloated. I’m lucky I can afford cheese). I’ve heard she’s since had a hard time finding full-time employment: my guess? She comes off a little too radical, hard to work with, etc, which is clear the minute you google her and see her blog and twitter accounts. And trust me, people in my field are googling.

As for the Intern herself. . .My company’s name still appears on the online portfolio she is sending to employers. She never removed it, and the way it has it phrased makes it sound like she completed the entire internship with us. Soon after all of this went down, I was having a conversation with a friend back home about it. I didn’t use names, just called her the Evil Intern, adn in the middle she stopped me and said ‘wait, is this so and so?’ Turns out Intern had pulled similar all sizzle and no steak drama at my friend’s workplace the summer before, but since that wasn’t an internship set up by the school, no one ever knew about it. As my friend told it, Intern swooped in and pushed her way into the centre, taking on projects and pitching ideas and claiming she’d do all this amazing stuff. . . and then never delivered in person. Then one day she just stopped turning up at all.

Soon enough, another friend approached me because she had been contacted by the school to have Intern finish her six weeks with her company. The school had briefly told her that Intern hadn’t worked out with me, and my friend wanted to find out why. I told her as diplomatically as I could, just the facts, keeping out the emotion, but Intern didn’t get that posting either. I eventually found out she got one in another city, and through aquaintences found she scraped by there. She finished the program, however I’ve been told by profs at the school who I keep in touch with that several of them turned her down when she approached them to be references: which is crucial coming out of school, as professors are often the only industry-related recommendations you have. She’s since gotten a job, not in our field, but in one of those periphery-to-it type jobs, where she’s ironically enough in charge of their website and social media.

As for me, in the almost-year since this went down, I’ve been promoted :) SO I guess this didn’t ruin my reputation as much as I’d feared!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ExpertHoeee

Originally posted to r/AITH

AITH for refusing to help my husband hide his own child from our family, again?

Trigger Warnings: child abandonment/deadbeat parent, emotional abuse

Original Post: September 26, 2026

Hey, a few years ago we received a random message out of nowhere from a 19 year old named Julian saying he thinks he's my husband's son. Before we even got married, my husband told me he'd gotten a girl pregnant when he was like 19 and that she'd chosen adoption, so honestly a part of me always figured a day like this might come. Except turns out that whole story was a lie. There was no adoption at all he just left her to raise Julian completely alone while he moved on and never looked back. And here's the part that actually broke something in me: when Julian was 13 he found my husband on Facebook and begged him for just one meeting, and my husband's reply (which I only found by accident scrolling an old messenger backup, months later) was genuinely one of the coldest things I've ever read, blaming a literal 13 year old for "trying to ruin his life" and telling him to never message again.

So not only had my husband been lying to me our entire relationship, he'd had real contact with his own son and chose, AGAIN, to throw him away, this time while we were already married with kids of our own. It's honestly been a lot, so much therapy, individually and as a couple, and for the last two-ish years we've quietly been rebuilding something with Julian, completely hidden from our kids. Now that Julian's older everyone wants an actual family meeting, which I was fully on board with, until I found out my husband and his mother had already decided, without me, that the "easiest" move is to tell our kids and everyone else that Julian is just "a family friend's son." Not his brother. Not family. A stranger we know. Hard pass.

I don't care one bit what Julian and my husband privately call each other, that's their business, but I flat out refuse to lie to my own children about who their brother actually is. My husband says I'm choosing drama over keeping the peace, and his mom actually said the lie is more for HIS reputation than for Julian's feelings, which exactly, thank you for proving my point. Even Julian seems hurt by the whole "friend" plan, like he's literally being hidden again after everything, and I definitely don't blame him. So now apparently I'm the villain for saying it's the truth or nothing. AITAH please?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA I don't know how you can trust this man to be the person who is there for you when something goes wrong with you or your children. Will he call Mommy when you or the kids end up in the hospital? Your husband is a coward who runs away. I think you should run away from him and set up a meeting between your kids and their half-brother so they can meet.

OOP: I've had that same 3am worry myself. He says he was a scared kid back then and he's different now, but yeah, actions from years ago don’t just get erased. I'm not at the "leave him" stage over one reddit thread lol, we've got two kids and a whole life together. But the meeting? Pretty sure that's happening regardless of what he decides. My kids deserve to know their brother exists.

Commenter 2: Poor Julian. It seems like you, his stepmom, are the only one with his best interest at heart. Your husband is absolutely disgusting

OOP: He's been let down by adults his whole life and I refuse to be another one. I don’t think my husband is disgusting as a person, just that one choice honestly disgusts me if that makes sense, he's a great dad to our actual kids which almost makes this harder to sit with. But someone has to put Julian first for once, so I guess that’s me right now.

Commenter 3: This breaks my heart. My "father" abandoned us when I was just a tot. Left and didn't call or anything. Met him as an adult. Formed a relationship with him and his wife and step-kids. Was never treated as an equal. Me and my siblings were always treated like second hand citizens. Something in me will always be broken. Your husband is a POS.

OOP: This one hit hard, I'm really sorry that happened to you, no kid should ever have to feel like a second class citizen in their own family growing up. Comments like this are exactly why I refuse to let Julian get brushed off as "just a friend," I don’t want him ever feeling like he has to earn a spot that should already be his. Thank you for sharing that, it really means a lot.

Commenter 4: NTA but your husband is a huge one. A deceitful, dishonourable, cruel one. He want some scared little boy, he was an adult who abandoned his responsibilities without a second thought, and what Julian reappeared instead of facing the music, he responded with cruelty and abuse, to a child. HIS child. I do wonder if you're currently rather absorbed with Julian that you're not properly registering this man has told you possibly one of the most grotesque lies your entire relationship? How will he treat your children if they do something he thinks is wrong or beneath them (or him)? Will he respond with cruelty and abuse he did to Julian? And on top of it all, he's not one jot contrite or remorseful about it, in fact he wants to carry on this shameful lie with your children! You seem to be very okay with that, yet trust is the foundation of a solid relationship. I would wonder if he can so easily carry a lie such as this for so long with zero guilt or shame, what else he has lied about? If it were me I would pit your husband to the post and tell your children who Julian is. Goodness knows all the children but especially Julian deserve some truth and respect from the adults in their lives.

Commenter 5: You and your current husband are a lot alike. Both of you are willing to sacrifice his firstborn for comfort and convenience.

He doesn't want to give up his "future”, so he abandons his child. He was not a 15 year old kid who didn't truly understand how consequences work. He was 19. Old enough to have seen consequences in action even if his trash mother (and father if he was a co-conspirator) made sure he didn't experience them directly. Then, when the child he abandoned reached out to him, he doubled down on the cruelty. Now your coward husband continues to refuse to accept responsibility for his child. Not some family friend's child, but his own child.

And here you come with the he treats my children well so he can't be that bad of a guy bullshit. You, your husband, his mother (and father if applicable) need to face the reality that hubby is a child abandoner and a horrible person who sometimes does good things. You need to face the reality that you are choosing not to push him to do the right thing and fully admit the truth because it would disrupt your life and the lives of your children.

ESH except all of your husband's children. Every adult who conspired against a baby, a teen, and young adult in order to protect their falsely earned reputations as good people deserves to stub their pinky toes every 2 weeks until they do the bare minimum and acknowledge that young man's paternity.

Update: October 11, 2026 (15 days later)

UPDATE: AITH for refusing to help my husband hide his own child from our family, again?

It's been about two weeks since my original post, and things have been tense at home.

A few days later, I reached out to Julian privately and asked how he felt about my husband's plan to introduce him to the family as a family friend's son. He admitted that the idea hurt more than he wanted to let on. He didn't expect everyone to welcome him with open arms, but after spending two years rebuilding a relationship with his father, being introduced as some random person's son felt like being rejected all over again.

That honestly broke my heart. He'd already spent years being treated like a secret, and now we were asking him to play along with another lie just to make things easier for everyone else. I decided to have another conversation with my husband, this time without his mother involved. I asked him directly, "Are you trying to protect our kids, or are you trying to protect yourself from having to admit what you did?"

He immediately got defensive, saying I was making him out to be a terrible father. He didn't want our children to lose respect for him over something that happened before they were born. I reminded him that Julian wasn't just some mistake from his past. He'd abandoned him, rejected him when he was 13 and begging for a relationship, and then lied to me about the whole situation throughout our relationship.

After arguing for a while, my husband finally admitted he was ashamed. He was terrified the kids would ask why he'd abandoned Julian, and he didn't know how to explain it without looking like the bad guy. He'd been hoping the situation would somehow resolve itself without him having to face the consequences. I told him I wasn't asking him to share every ugly detail with the kids immediately. They deserve an age-appropriate explanation, not the entire history of his mistakes. But Julian is his son, and I won't pretend otherwise just to protect his reputation.

We also discussed his mother. My husband admitted she'd encouraged the "family friend's son" idea because she was worried about what the extended family would think. He'd gone along with it because it seemed easier than dealing with everyone's reactions. I told him that wasn't a good enough reason to make Julian feel unwanted all over again.

Eventually, my husband agreed that we need to tell our children who Julian really is. We're still figuring out how to approach the conversation, and Julian will have a say in what personal details are shared with the wider family. My MIL is furious with me. She thinks I had no right to pressure my husband into revealing something that could change how our children see him. She told me I should have let him handle the situation in his own time instead of turning his past into a family issue.

My husband has also remained upset with me. He says I cornered him and didn't give him enough time to figure things out himself. Part of me understands that this is difficult for him, but I'm frustrated that he seems more worried about how our children will judge him than about how Julian feels being hidden yet again. We're still working through everything in therapy, and this hasn't magically repaired the damage to our marriage. We haven't told the kids yet, and I'm nervous about how they'll react. I know this could permanently change how they see their father.

I don't want to hurt my husband, but I also don't think protecting him from the consequences of his own choices should come at Julian's expense. So, AITH for pushing my husband to finally acknowledge his son to our family, even though my husband thinks I should have let him decide when and how to tell the truth?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Good for you. Julian deserves to be acknowledged and accepted. Your husband needs to grow up and deal with the baggage he caused.

OOP: Thank you <3 I think that's what frustrates me the most. He's had years to avoid dealing with what he did, but Julian is the one who's had to live with the consequences. I don't expect my husband to be perfect, but I do expect him to take responsibility and stop making Julian feel like something he needs to hide.

Commenter 2: I just can’t imagine being Julian. Your husband needed more time? Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me. What lessons is he teaching your kids by lying? What else is he hiding from you? I suspect there’s more under the surface. Either way, I hope you’re having a reckoning with your husband. He needs to be a good husband and honest man to all of his kids. I’m curious how the reveal will actually go. Good for you for standing up for Julian and your kids.

OOP: Honestly, I've started asking myself those same questions. If he could lie about something this significant for so many years, it's hard not to wonder what else I don't know. I also keep thinking about Julian and how many times he's had to be the one who suffers because my husband is too ashamed to face his own choices. We're still working through a lot in therapy, and I know telling the kids is going to be difficult, but I want it to be done properly this time. I'll update when that conversation happens.

Commenter 3: I have 4 kids with my ex-husband. Since I left, he hasn’t seen his kids. It’s been 8 years.

Just be aware, that this man will probably do it again if your marriage doesn’t work.

You will be raising those kids alone. Are you okay staying with someone like that? (The irony, right?)

OOP: That's honestly something I've thought about, especially now that I know he had multiple chances to be there for Julian and chose not to. I can't predict what he'd do if our marriage ended, but I can't ignore that pattern either. We're in therapy, but I know rebuilding trust will take more than just promises. I'm sorry you and your kids went through that, and thank you for making me think about this side of things.

Commenter 4: NTA but your husband is. He’s had 19 years to acknowledge this boy. He’s a pos!

OOP: Honestly, it's hard to argue with that when I look at the timeline. What gets me is that Julian gave him another chance when he was only 13, and my husband still chose to reject him. I know shame is part of what's holding him back now, but Julian shouldn't have to keep paying for his father's choices. Thank you for being honest.

Commenter 5: MIL pressuring "in his own time" is wild; it's been 19 YEARS.

Good on you for being a good human.

OOP: That's what I keep coming back to. How much more time does he need when Julian has already spent most of his life waiting for his father to acknowledge him? I understand my husband feels ashamed, but Julian shouldn't have to keep waiting just because the truth is uncomfortable for everyone else

Commenter 6: NTA! I’m just glad Julian has you in his corner. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I love that he is able to trust you and be honest about his feelings. You’re clearly an amazing person and Mom.

OOP: Thank you, this genuinely means a lot ❤️ I think what hurts most is knowing Julian has spent so much of his life feeling unwanted by his own father. I can't undo what happened to him, but I can at least make sure he's not made to feel like a secret in our family anymore. I'm glad he feels comfortable enough to tell me how he really feels, and I want to keep earning that trust.

Commenter 7: Wow. He’s afraid his kids will think he’s a terrible person, so he then proceeds to continue to be a terrible person? Yeah, sorry you’re married to that.

OOP: That's exactly what I've been struggling with. He's so worried about our kids thinking less of him that he was willing to make Julian feel rejected all over again. I keep hoping he'll understand that taking responsibility is the only way to move forward, but it's frustrating that I had to push him this far just to get him to acknowledge it

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Afraid-Wolverine-117

Had a bizarre first date with a successful property guy and I still don’t understand what happened…

Originally posted to r/DatingHell

MOOD SPOILER: Batshit insane

Original Post  Sept 7, 2026

I’m in my 40s and recently went on a first date with a man around my age that I met on a dating app.

His profile described him as very successful and financially comfortable, but “low-key” about it. I genuinely do not care about money, but this becomes relevant later.

We talked on the phone beforehand and he seemed nice, relaxed, and easy to talk to. We originally planned something simple, but ended up meeting near the water instead.

I was late due to a timing mix-up, which was completely on me, and by the time I arrived he had already left because he wasn’t sure I was coming. I apologized, he came back, and once we actually met, the date was surprisingly great.

He was sweet, attentive, and gentlemanly. Conversation was easy. At one point he helped me up and down a sandy slope, and eventually, when we were sitting together, he asked if he could kiss me.

I said yes.

Unfortunately for my future decision-making abilities, he was a very good kisser.

There was some hair pulling. I informed him that I approved. He grinned and pulled me closer.

So now I’m having a fantastic time.

We eventually started making out in his car, and he asked if I wanted to stop by one of his nearby properties.

He works in property investment/management and apparently owns several rental properties. He talks about always looking for his “next project” and describes his schedule as pretty relaxed.

The property he takes me to is a shed.

He plans to renovate it into a small living space.

It is not currently a living space.

It is a shed.

A dusty shed.

Inside is basically a mattress and renovation clutter.

At this point, I do not yet know there is no bathroom.

We start fooling around.

I wasn’t especially enthusiastic about the idea of actually having sex on the Dusty Shed Mattress™, but things were moving in that direction when HE suddenly said something like:

“I don’t know if this is a good idea.”

And then, almost immediately:

“You’re so skinny.”

I still have no idea whether those two thoughts were connected.

For context, he had been extremely complimentary about my body all day, so I don’t think this was him suddenly deciding he wasn’t attracted to me.

Maybe he thought he would break me.

Maybe he conducted an emergency structural assessment of both me and the shed.

I do not know.

Anyway, we do not have sex.

This turns out to be fortunate because I subsequently discover:

THE SHED HAS NO BATHROOM.

He says he plans to install one during the renovation.

Great.

Love that for Future Shed.

Current Shed remains without plumbing.

Then things get stranger.

At some point he becomes very interested in whether we have mutual acquaintances.

He asks about social media connections and seems unusually concerned about whether we know any of the same people.

Then, after we had fooled around, he says something like:

“You’re not going to tell anyone, are you?”

Followed by another question about whether we might know the same people.

Excuse me?

He had mentioned earlier that some members of his family are very socially connected and intrusive about his dating life, so MAYBE that explains it.

I genuinely don’t know.

Also, despite spending hours with this man, I still don’t know where he actually lives.

I know where the shed lives.

He remains geographically mysterious.

But wait.

We still haven’t gotten to the cash.

At some point this allegedly “successful but low-key” man excuses himself to go back to his car and retrieve a backpack.

He comes back with it.

Then takes out rolls of hundred-dollar bills.

And casually remarks that he carries way too much cash.

Sir.

Nobody asked.

There was no preceding conversation in which I challenged your liquidity.

YOU WENT TO THE CAR AND RETRIEVED THE CASH BACKPACK.

At this point, “low-key” is beginning to feel like an extremely flexible concept.

We eventually go get food.

And somehow the date becomes normal again.

We have drinks and appetizers. Conversation is good. I’m genuinely enjoying myself.

Then we start talking about children.

I explain that I cannot have biological children and that this has been painful for me.

To his credit, he is actually very kind about it. He checks if I’m okay and says he’s sorry I went through that.

Then he tells me he has always hoped to meet someone he could have a child with.

Ouch, but fair. I appreciated the honesty.

Then he starts asking whether I’m absolutely sure pregnancy is impossible.

Could I be tested again?

Could I see a doctor?

What about adoption?

This is our FIRST DATE.

For the record, even if pregnancy were medically possible for me, it is not something I would choose at this stage of my life.

So now I’m sitting across from a man I met several hours ago who is effectively troubleshooting my fertility because he is hoping to find someone to have a baby with.

A few hours earlier, this prospective future mother of his child was half-undressed with him on a mattress in a dusty shed without a toilet.

I cannot adequately explain the cognitive dissonance.

He apologized for upsetting me, we moved on, and honestly still had a nice time.

He said he would like to see me again, or at least stay friends.

So now I’m home trying to understand what exactly I experienced.

The facts, as I currently understand them:

He says he is financially successful but low-key.

He owns multiple properties.

He spends his days looking for his next real estate project.

He carries rolls of cash in a backpack and apparently felt compelled to show me.

I do not know where he actually lives.

I do know the location of his dusty shed.

The shed has a mattress.

The shed does not have a toilet.

He is unusually concerned about whether we have mutual acquaintances.

He asked me not to tell anyone we fooled around.

His social media is difficult for me to access while he was interested in mine.

His family is apparently socially connected and intrusive.

He wants to find someone to have a baby with.

He may or may not have decided sex with me was medically inadvisable because I am too skinny.

Also, he has an Android, which I understand is not admissible evidence but feels spiritually relevant.

I actually liked him.

He was sweet to me.

He was respectful physically and asked before kissing me.

He was a fantastic kisser.

He was compassionate when I talked about infertility.

Nothing frightening happened. I never felt coerced or unsafe.

And yet I woke up the next morning thinking:

What the actual fuck was that?

I’m not even particularly invested in whether I see him again.

At this point I mostly want answers.

Where does he live?

Why did we go to the shed?

Why can nobody know about the shed activities?

Why did he retrieve a backpack full of cash?

What was going to happen to me because I was “so skinny”?

And most importantly:

If you are actively searching for the future mother of your children and you allegedly own multiple properties, why are you courting her in the one without a bathroom?

EDIT: I humbly apologize to everyone whom I’ve offended with my comment about Android phones. That comment stemmed from an ongoing joke I have with my friend who has an Android and we tease one another because she is very anti-apple. She was here when I wrote this and suggested I add it in for laughs. I have had an Android phone in the past myself and find nothing “shameful” about them.

Also, y’all need to calm tf down. And to those of you who continue to insult my intelligence, kindly go elsewhere. No one forced you to read my post. Thanks!

EDIT: I shared this because I thought it was a bizarre, funny dating story and figured other people might get a laugh out of it too. I’m perfectly capable of laughing at myself, but some of the comments have crossed the line from joking into being unnecessarily cruel and abusive. At this point I’m no longer interested in interacting with the post. I will be asking a moderator to disable future comments. Thanks to everyone who laughed with me instead of using it as an excuse to be nasty to a stranger.

TOP COMMENTS

Strip-lashes

Girl, you know where he lives. It's the shed.

Dependent_Mud3325

Its not the shed. He has a wife and kids and the shed os where he sleeps with women. Hes afraid of being found out. Hence the "low-key" aspect

Evening_Analyst2385

I thought this initially, but it screams hobosexual. I know from experience, unfortunately. He lived in a storage unit. Had a great job too. Didn’t want his employer to know.

~

jsojso

Do you know his last name?

You don't know where he lives.

If he's concerned you know the same people, he's married or entangled.

I think there are several red flags here - one being he took you to a secluded shed. The no-bathroom is not even an issue that ranks, given all the other red flags.

OOP

I do know his last name but no, I do not know where he lives. I found a list of properties he owns but he rents most of them out, no idea where he lives.  

Also, the toilet thing is just me using my weird humor to process

~

Character-Bridge-206

The love shack is a little old place where 

We can get together 

Love shack baby 

A love shack baby 

Love shack, baby love shack 

Love shack, baby love shack 

Love shack, baby love shack 

Love shack, baby love shack

doodlebug2727

Tin Roof-RUSTED

Update 1 posted Sept 9, 2026 (Next Day)

UPDATE: know I said I was done interacting with this post, but apparently the universe has ordered one final episode.

Our entire conversation thread on the dating app is now just…gone. His profile is gone too—or, at minimum, I can no longer see it.

Because curiosity has defeated dignity, I Googled his phone number. Nothing. Then I entered the number into Venmo and Cash App just to see whether a name/account would populate. Also nothing.

To be clear, none of this proves anything. He could have unmatched me, deleted or paused his profile, changed his settings, used a number that isn’t connected to those services, etc. There are plenty of completely ordinary explanations.

I am simply reporting that the man who was intensely concerned about whether we had mutual acquaintances, asked me not to tell anyone we fooled around, showed me a backpack full of cash, took me to a shed instead of wherever tf he actually lives, and has now vanished from the dating app has become even less Googleable than the shed.

I continue to know where the shed lives.

The man remains geographically and digitally mysterious.

That is all. If I happen to find out more I will update.

What a fucking weird weekend…

Update 2 posted Sept 10, 2026 (2 Days Later)

UPDATE: because apparently this story refuses to die…

He texted me today around 5:45 in the afternoon and asked how my day was.

I told him it was good and asked how his was.

That was hours ago. He has not responded.

So after disappearing from the dating app, shed guy has apparently reappeared via text just long enough to establish that he is, in fact, still alive.

That is literally the entire update. I have no idea what it means, and at this point I only hope that he responds to my questions when I “casually” text him tomorrow.

Also, for the people saying I made this whole story up with AI: I genuinely don’t know what to tell you. It happened. If I were going to invent a wealthy mystery man for internet attention, I probably would’ve given him a bathroom.

Update 3 posted Sept 14, 2026 (1 week later/Same Post)

UPDATE: Apparently we have entered the hot tub chapter???

For anyone following along: yes, he did eventually text me again.

Yesterday he asked how my day was. I answered, asked about his, and then heard nothing for almost 24 hours. Today he replied that his day was good and that he was feeling a little tired today. (Whether we were still discussing yesterday or had moved on to today, I honestly have no idea.)

I said managing all those properties must be a lot of work, no wonder he’s tired.

He then informed me that he’s putting in a hot tub for the winter and said maybe I could try it out with him.

And my immediate thought was:

NO.

And then I wondered:

WHERE?

Where is the hot tub going, sir?

At your house? WHICH HOUSE?  At one of the properties? WHICH PROPERTY?  Beside Future Shed?  Is the shed getting a hot tub before it gets a bathroom?

How does the shed feel about all this?

I still do not know where he actually lives. I’m going to ask him, I’m just treading carefully now.

So no, I have not agreed to Hot Tub Date.

I am currently just fascinated that every time this man contacts me, he reveals another feature of his property portfolio without revealing where and how tf he lives.

As of now, this is what we’re working with…

Future Shed: no bathroom.  Mystery Property: hot tub pending.  Shed guy: address unknown.

I will update you if he announces the addition of a sauna before telling me where he lives.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/easytoremember199

Originally posted to r/marriage

My (27M) wife (28F) lied about a call from an ex, and now I'm questioning everything

Trigger Warnings: emotional infidelity

Original Post: October 10, 2026

My (27M) wife (28F) and I have been together for 8 years and married for 6. Our relationship has always been incredible. She moved to my country to be with me after initially coming here temporarily for school, and we've built a life together. We're aligned on pretty much everything, barely fight, have complete trust in each other, and have the exact same silly sense of humour. We're best friends, share everything, and naturally operate as a team. We have a puppy we adore and are excited about our future together.

I've been cheated on before, so I'm not exactly naive to the fact that things can come out of nowhere, but she's really never given me a reason to suspect anything.

A few months ago, we were watching TV on the couch after having smoked weed and eaten dinner, which is a pretty normal evening for us. Her phone lit up with an Instagram call. This immediately struck me as odd because she never uses Instagram to call anyone.

She grabbed her phone, turned it away from me, and spent around 30 seconds doing something on it while looking confused. I repeatedly asked what was going on, but she either didn't respond or said things like, "I don't know what's going on, this is weird."

I asked to see the screen, and she said to wait because she was trying to figure it out. Eventually, she put the phone down and told me it was a random spam call and that she'd blocked the person.

Her reaction was completely out of character. In eight years together, she'd never acted this way, and we'd never had issues with trust or hiding things from each other.

The next day, I brought it up again because it was bothering me. She apologized for how she'd handled it, saying it was just a random call, and she was confused, partly probably because she was high. I wasn't entirely convinced, but I let it go.

A month or two later, I asked her about it again. She said she didn't really know why she'd reacted that way and apologized for not letting me see her phone.

Today, we were working on some home renovation projects together, and I used her phone to set up Spotify. I noticed she had a Spotify conversation with a man I didn't recognize.

There were fewer than 20 messages spread over roughly a month and a half, starting a few months ago and ending about six weeks ago. They were sharing songs and there was one Spotify Jam request. Nothing was overly flirty or inappropriate.

She explained that he's a coworker. He lives in another country that she occasionally travels to for work, and he controls the music at their office. He's around our age, they get along, and he's a chill guy.

I wouldn't normally think twice about this. She has friends at work, and I'm not someone who expects her to disclose every conversation she has. What struck me as unusual was that she talks about several of her coworkers, but I'd barely heard about this guy.

Combined with the Instagram incident, though, it made me uneasy. So I brought up the Instagram call situation again.

After I pressed her about the Instagram call, she finally admitted that it had been an ex from her home country calling her. She said she panicked because she felt weird about him contacting her unexpectedly, so she lied about it being a random call.

She said she'd blocked him during that initial interaction. I explained that the lie itself was making it difficult to trust her explanation, and she said she understood and was sorry. Her explanation was that she didn't know why he was calling, panicked, and then felt compelled to maintain the lie.

I asked if I could see her Instagram blocked list. She refused, saying that we don't look through each other's phones and that she wouldn't do it on principle.

For context, we have never had a rule against using each other's phones for ordinary things, and we have shared finances and a very open relationship (as in open to sharing things with each other. I even have access to her email). We just haven't made a habit of going through each other's private conversations.

I pushed back, explaining that the situation was different now because she'd admitted to lying and that seeing the blocked list would help reassure me.

She eventually started saying she couldn't remember whether she'd kept him blocked or might have unblocked him later. We checked the blocked list together, and he wasn't there. She said she thought she must have unblocked him at some point.

I then asked if we could go through her phone together, with her present the entire time. She refused again, saying it was a matter of principle. (She's also very stubborn and her standing on principles when doing the opposite would be easier is not at all out of character).

I told her that if our positions were reversed, I believe she'd also want reassurance, and that I didn't understand why she'd refuse if there was nothing to hide. We couldn't get anywhere with that conversation, and that's where things stand.

I want to be clear that I don't have any other concrete evidence of infidelity. Our relationship is genuinely great. We spend lots of time together, share our lives, trust each other in practically every other respect, and have plans for our future. She's never given me a reason to suspect she's cheating.

There also isn't much unexplained time in her schedule, although she does occasionally travel internationally for work.

The things bothering me are:

\• Her initial reaction to the Instagram call was extremely unusual for her.

\• She deliberately turned her phone away and wouldn't let me see what was happening.

\• She lied about who was calling and maintained that lie over multiple conversations.

\• She said she'd blocked her ex, but he wasn't on her blocked list when we checked.

\• Now that she's admitted to lying, she's refusing to offer any further reassurance by letting me look through her phone.

\• The Spotify messages with the male coworker are innocent on their face, but the timing and the fact that I barely knew about him have made me question things I otherwise wouldn't have questioned.

At the same time, I recognize that refusing to let a partner inspect your phone doesn't automatically mean you're hiding something. I don't want to become controlling or turn a previously healthy relationship into one where we have to prove our innocence to each other.

So, am I being paranoid?

Is this a case of someone panicking over an unexpected call from an ex, making a stupid decision to lie, and then digging in because she feels her privacy is being challenged? Or is the combination of the initial secrecy, the changing explanation about blocking him, and the refusal to let me see anything reasonably concerning?

I'm struggling to figure out how much weight to put on the fact that she's never given me a reason to distrust her versus the fact that she has now demonstrably lied to me about something.

I'd appreciate honest perspectives, including if you think I'm handling this badly. I'm not looking for people to automatically tell me she's cheating or that I'm right. I want an outside perspective on what's reasonable here and how to move forward.

TL;DR: My wife and I have been together for 8 years and have an incredible relationship with no history of trust issues. A few months ago, she received an unexpected Instagram call, hid her phone from me, and claimed it was spam. She recently admitted it was an ex from her home country and that she'd panicked and lied. She initially said she'd blocked him, but he wasn't on her blocked list when we checked. She now refuses to let me see her phone, saying it's against her principles. I have no other evidence of cheating, but her behaviour is completely out of character. Am I being paranoid, or is my concern justified?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: She doesn't remember unblocking him? lol.

OOP: Yeah. Obvious bullshit. That was stupid and was what led me to pushing for the real truth

Commenter 2: Let her know if she doesn’t show you then trust is broken. Not to expect things to be the same. If she deletes she has to find a way to recover them

Commenter 3: “I want to be clear that I don't have any other concrete evidence of infidelity.”

Are you really so sure about that bro?

You caught her lying.

You caught her lying about a call on Instagram from an ex, something you said she never uses.

You caught her lying about blocking him.

She refused to show you her phone on the night of the incident.

She refuses to show you her phone now.

You may not have video footage of your wife with her ankles in the air for another man, but you definitely have concrete proof that your wife is a liar, is shady and hiding an ongoing conversation with an ex. Why on earth would she unblock him unless she was up to no good??

Your house is currently on fire whether you want to admit there is smoke or not.

Commenter 4: .... bad news bears..

She rather protect her secrets.. whatever they are.. then let you see who she is on that phone.

She knows something you won't like so if u know.. u can leave.. or why not show you so u feel better.. because if u look.. u definitely won't feel better. She knows that.

Where were her principals when she was lying.. several times.. seems principals only come up. To cover her ass!

"When I am weaker than you, I ask you for freedom because that is according to your principles; when I am stronger than you, I take away your freedom because that is according to my principles." There are perceptions where ur kindness, will only be ur downfall with them.. they plan on it.

Commenter 5: The problem is she’s still lying, and every time you catch her she lies again, and the lies keep getting worse. People only deceive like this to protect something, so whatever she’s protecting is big enough to lie to your face repeatedly.

“She’s never given me a reason to distrust her.” What are you smoking? She gave you like five. You’re hoping this is that rare case where someone is acting shady about an ex and it isn’t related to infidelity. Sorry, those cases are about as rare as Halley’s Comet, and this ain’t that.

I’d give her one last chance to fess up or I’d walk.

Update: October 11, 2026 (next day)

UPDATE: My (27M) wife (28F) lied about an Instagram call from her ex, and I found out what was really going on

Well, you guys convinced me that something was definitely up. And unfortunately, you were right.

My wife went to bed, but I still wasn't feeling okay about the whole situation. I went upstairs and told her I wanted to see her phone. I told her that the whole "principle" argument was bullshit at this point. She said she'd let me look if I could promise her that we'd be okay afterward. I told her I obviously couldn't promise that before knowing what I was going to find, and that I just wanted to look at the phone.

She stood her ground, so I stormed out and slammed the door, which is extremely out of character for me.

She came running downstairs after me and told me I could look through her phone. She later told me she'd been scared because she thought I was going to do something crazy. For the record, I wasn't going to hurt her or myself. I was just incredibly frustrated and upset.

I went through everything. Instagram DMs, deleted messages, deleted photos, hidden photos, etc. I found nothing.

I then asked her to pull up her ex's Instagram profile. She fumbled around trying to explain that she'd unblocked him at some point but hadn't followed him again. Sure enough, she pulled up his profile, and she wasn't following him.

I then followed the advice one of you gave me and tried to go down the Instagram "download your information" route, and that's when I found something interesting.

She had already downloaded her Instagram data two months ago, on the exact night she received the Instagram call.

Well, shit.

It all came out after that.

As it turns out, the Spotify messages weren't innocent background noise. And the whole situation had nothing to do with her ex.

It was the coworker.

She met him on her last work trip at the end of June. They got along well and started chatting frequently during the workday. Eventually, their conversations moved over to Instagram.

According to her, their Instagram messages were very flirty. Not sexual, but definitely flirty. She sent him a few selfies, and he sent her selfies as well, including shirtless pictures.

I also went through their entire Microsoft Teams chat history. They talk quite a bit, and there are occasional flirty exchanges, although nothing particularly egregious (makes sense, its teams after all). I'm still waiting for the Instagram data download to come through so I can understand the full extent of their conversations.

So, to be clear, I still haven't established that anything physical happened. The message timelines line up with her not having gotten close with him until a good bit after the work trip. I don't know whether there was more to their conversations than she's admitted, and I don't know how far things would have gone if I hadn't confronted her.

But at this point, the issue isn't just a single lie about an unexpected call from an ex. It's the repeated lying, the secrecy, and the fact that I had to push this hard to get anywhere close to the truth.

I came into this with eight years of a relationship that I genuinely thought was rock solid. I never imagined I'd be in this position with her.

I honestly don't know if I'm going to be able to move forward from this. Part of me wants to believe that this was a terrible lapse in judgment that never went beyond flirting. Another part of me is wondering what else I don't know.

For now, I'm trying to process everything and figure out what comes next. I'll update again when I have more information.

What are your thoughts?

Thank you to everyone who took the time to offer advice, challenge my perspective, and help me think through this. I wish you guys hadn't been right, but I'm glad I listened.

Editor’s note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing some for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: This is the kind of thing that doesn't need to be physical to be a complete betrayal. Eight years and she's downloading her own data to cover tracks before you even knew something was off. That takes planning.

The coworker thing always stings worse too because it's not some random. It's someone she sees regularly, built a rapport with, made a conscious choice every single day to keep it going. The flirty selfies and shirtless pics alone would be a dealbreaker for me, teams messages or not.

You're handling this with way more patience than most people would. Just remember you don't need a smoking gun to walk away, the trust is already shattered and she's the one who swung the hammer.

Commenter 2: Bro this!!!! She fucking lied and then went down the hole of downloading all her insta data. Nobody knows how to just do that, so I guarantee she looked up how to. That’s so fucked up

Commenter 3: Yeah, what does that even mean? She deleted it with the option to upload it at another time? Tell me like I’m five.

Commenter 2: Dude even I don’t really have a clue. From my understanding it’s almost like a file of data off insta that you can download to your phone or computer and then delete all the evidence off insta itself.

Bring up a question of why she even wants to keep any of that… I could be totally wrong as well so someone who is more knowledgeable please chime in

OOP: I can give you her stated reason - it was because she was scared I was going to find out, as I was onto her after the call. She found out you can recover deleted data and wanted to see how much it showed.

Commenter 4: She's still only giving you what you can find. If you want to try and salvage your marriage you need to tell her it's time to come clean about any and everything or else you're done immediately. Tell her that any omissions or more lies it's over and see what happens.

Either that or you've already found enough to realize she's not who you thought she was and call a lawyer.

OOP: I did, but you're right. How do I now know there isn't more being hidden that I wasn’t able to confirm?

Commenter 5: Lie, lies, lies and more lies... IF you stay with her, she needs to accept that this guy is NC forever .. and that means that unless she can get her employer to stop sending her on trips near him, she quits the job.

OOP: She's as remorseful as possible and it feels like the full truth finally came out. Now it's on me to decide what to do with the information - we'll see. It was her idea to go no contact and message him directly telling him it's done, but with the trust gone, how do I know she won't continue in a sneaker way?

She's committed to doing absolutely anything and everything possible to regain my trust. She called him a distraction - he was good lucking and she put it all up to enjoying the attention from him.

Commenter 6: Ask for a written timeline of the affair - ALL intimacy listed...

OP... There needs to be consequences for her if you want to avoid a reoccurrence...

She's agreed to quit the job if that's what it takes to ensure she'll never meet him??

She's agreed to open device policy forever???

OOP: No, she hasn't agreed to those things specifically, because I haven’t asked for that yet. I told her I need to think about it.

With the current job market and a mortgage to pay, I don't exactly want her to quit her job either.

I'll have to figure it out, but I understand the intent of your message. You're right.

Some of OOP's responses to a long thread about the text exchanges between OOP's wife and the co-worker

OOP: Not really, but all I've seen so far was on teams. I’m mentioned, but there's absolutely no venting, complaining, or anything close. In fact if anything, it's positive.

It's so hard to give all of the details of our conversations and our relationship dynamic through reddit, but yes. I believe there's a potential path forward where I could trust her again. It would take time + couples therapy, but I know she's 100% committed to gaining the trust back. The decision I have to make is whether this was already bad enough for me to seek divorce.

+

OOP: Yes to all of your first three questions. She's absolutely destroyed about this, while simultaneously understanding I’m not here to make her feel okay right now.

She suggested directly contacting the coworker, ending things, going no contact. We got into the 'why' and it was a bit long to add into my post, but essentially she said it was "nothing" (as in emotionally). That she thinks she just enjoyed the attention, but that she realizes it was insanely stupid and not at all worth it. (for what it’s worth, this guy is unfortunately VERY good looking, hahaha).

I'm currently waiting on the Instagram data to be sent over by Meta, so time will tell what I'm able to see. It's being sent directly to me without her having access beforehand, which she was completely fine with.

She's dealing with this the best way she can now, but the problem is all the lying it took to get to this point.

+

OOP: Semantics - I worded it that way, but to be clear, she meant it was "nothing" as in nothing emotionally. She acknowledges the hidden flirty photo-sending relationship they have is still extremely wrong. She was referring to messaging him and telling him they can't talk anymore.

+

OOP: Apparently calls never happened, and it was a pocket dial. She asked him the next day, and he confirmed it was an 'accident'. It happened at a time where it might have been around 3am for him though, so it was also potentially him drunk calling.

Because I’ll have access to the Instagram logs soon, I'll be able to confirm that. If that was a lie, this is 100% over. If it was not a lie, I’m back to "it's likely over but there's a chance it's not".

Nothing about the story changed after realizing I'd have all the data.

The message you suggested she send? She already committed to doing that (on her own accord, I hadn't asked for that yet).

He is single, however I'm also planning to message him and get his account of things.

+

OOP: He might not be truthful - I'm going to come at it nice and see what he says. We'll see. I'm looking to see if the stories match.

She was forthcoming about the fact that shirtless photos were sent by him, but again, she's been trickle-truthing so much, what’s to say worse photos and messages weren't sent.

+

OOP: Unfortunately no, I wasn't able to see the texts. Instagram data was downloaded but conversations with him are missing. I looked into it and it seems impossible she managed to do this herself - seems more a case of the messages all being deleted so quickly they never had a chance to be archived.

On the trickle truthing, there's one thing she trickle truthed post-full confrontation. She said the last message was 2 weeks ago, and then decided to tell me it was 3 days ago. At the time she believed the messages to be unrecoverable (which it seems they may be), but she 'decided, I guess' to tell me the truth. I don't know.

+

OOP: She said they were regular selfies - that some definitely had cleavage, but a regular amount based on what she would have been wearing that day.

What about the ex? Did OOP's wife lie about him? Has things gone too far with the wife's lying?

OOP: She didn't lie about an ex - the ex story was a cover-up about this guy. Also, I never said I believe that nothing would have ever happened had I not caught this. I explicitly said that's the part I struggle to believe.

You're right. Maybe things would have progressed further, and she just hasn't yet had a chance to show me just how much she is willing to disrespect me and disrespect our relationship. I'll have to figure out if the risk of that is something I'm willing to put up with or not.

Does the coworker really live aboard? Did things happen on the day of the trip?

OOP: He does really live abroad. I checked her teams, I checked his LinkedIn. It all lines up.

On your second point, I can't confirm that things didn't happen the day she met him, but I can confirm that they started messaging often after the trip, like she had said, and I noticed the messages were more innocent at first, leading me to believe this was a build-up.

Is OOP's wife leaving her job?

OOP: The one thing she doesn't agree with is leaving her job. I haven't pushed for that or made it an ultimatum though. She absolutely loves her job/company and is in a good place. Some detail I haven't shared yet - the guy is in IT and she is in Marketing. She doesn't really have a real reason to connect, they only met at the office, not even at a conference or work event where they would HAVE to be together. Of course though, I brought up the fact that she will still have to travel to where she lives. Her solution: she would reach out to her company and tell her she can't travel to that country anymore.

Her response to the "no easy fix" right now is that she 100% understands, and will stick through doing what she needs to do as long as it takes to rebuild my trust.

Commenter 7: Did she tell him she was in a relationship or was she pretending to be single?

OOP: He knew she was married.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/throwaway-7772552

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Original post - posted 2022-11-08

English isn't my first language so sorry for any mistakes!

Quick backstory: I (27M) am a result of a one night stand. My mom already had 4 kids from her deceased husband before I came along. She has never liked me, and always treated me like garbage. I used to live with my birth father in (the country where he's from) until I moved with my mom when I was 16. It was her life mission to make me miserable. But I moved out when I was 18 to go to college.

Now, here's the situation. I have three half-brothers (30M. 35M. 47M.) my (35M) brother was the one getting married. When I lived with my mom, he was nice to me when he visited, the other two absolutely despised me.

I haven't spoken to him much in the last years, but to my surprise, he asked me to be the best man at his wedding, I agreed because he was the only good thing about my miserable childhood.

The day of the wedding was the first time I saw my mom and other half-siblings in the last 9 years. They still don't like me.

After I've given my best man speech, I stayed with my fiancée for most of the wedding, since I barely knew MY family let alone the bride's. When I was standing alone my mom approached me and started talking down to me, I was used to it so I just let her talk her talk. Until she said that my brother only asked me to be the best man because he got in a huge fight with the other two over who gets to be the best man, so he asked me just to spite them, and that I wasn't even getting invited in the first place.

I was more hurt than I expected, then asked him if it was true. He said yes guiltily and kept apologizing, saying he was glad I was there. I was still furious so I excused myself and left with my fiancée, but then he texted me a day later saying I'm an asshole for leaving, and that everyone kept questioning why I left, also saying I ruined the wedding for him.

I kind of feel bad now, maybe I overreacted. So, AITA?

Sorry if this is all over the place, once again, English is not my first language!

EDIT/UPDATE: so, i actually deleted the app when i was deemed not the AH. But apparently my brother made a whole post about the situation, so i logged in one last time to read it and safe to say everyone made my day. And my incredible fiancée put him in his place. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. To everyone who commented supportive things to me or my fiancée. And to my brother, I hope you find peace in your life, and also a therapist. bless. :)

Commenter:

NTA. It was very kind of you to show up and prepare to be there for someone you cared about, even after drifting apart. I can’t imagine the punch to the gut it must have been to learn that your kindness and goodwill was taken advantage of in an attempt to get at other people—you showed up with your best foot forward, only to learn that your brother just wanted you there to send a message to other people. How awful. I hope your fiancée’s family can show you the consideration your family can’t, and I wish you the best! <3

OOP responds:

thank you so much for this lovely comment! My fiancée's family is amazing, I've spent every christmas with them for the last 4 years. :)

----

And the half-brother (u/groomthrowawayy) responds!

AITA for making my half brother my best man to piss off my other siblings then telling him he ruined my wedding? - posted 2022-11-11

Since my half-brother wanted to bring family issues to social media. Here we are.

My brother posted a few days ago about my wedding. Here's the whole story.

I (35M) asked my half-brother (27M) to be the best man at my wedding because I got into a disagreement with my other brothers over who gets to be my best man. I wanted them to be pissed that neither of them stood with me at all. Not even as groomsmen. AH move. I know.

The day of my wedding was great until he left. He gave quite the emotional best man speech. Brought me to tears if I'm being honest.

The family kept approaching him but he's always been shy. He said hi to some of them but he seemed out of his element. I kept trying to stay with him as much as I could. He, my wife, and his fiancée really hit it off. I was glad. When he excused himself to grab some champagne, I saw our mom approach him, and immediately got worried.

I'd already felt horrible about all the stuff he went through when we were younger, and didn't want him to know the real reason why he was the best man. Our mom kept talking to him, but I couldn't hear what she was saying.

He suddenly looked shocked, and asked me if he was only the best man to make our other siblings pissed. I said yes, I'm not the best liar. I kept apologizing and begging him to forgive me. All of this was away from the guests.

I never said he wasn't getting invited. Our mom did. His invite was one of the first to go out.

He didn't make a scene, but he did leave with his fiancée, everyone saw them leaving and kept questioning us why he left, including my wife. I told her the truth and she got very mad at our mom. The whole atmosphere was awkward from that point on.

I did text him after the wedding. I told him he could've just stayed and then we would've chatted later. But he said that he didn't want to talk to me and blocked me.

The real AH is mostly our mom.

Our sister sent me his post and told me to look at the comments, I was getting bashed left and right. I couldn't text him about it so I thought maybe he'll see this. Still think I'm the AH?

----

OOP returns:

WIBTA if I don't invite my siblings to my wedding after we reconnected? - posted 2023-03-01

Hey, you may know me from an older post on this subreddit about my brother's wedding, you'll find it if you click on my profile.

Let's get to the point. First of all my "brother's" post turned out to be a troll account, we chatted about three weeks ago, and he told me he doesn't even know what reddit is. So that's that.

So, I recommend reading my old post before this one. But here's an update/a WIBTA situation.

Once again, I had initially deleted the app forever, and so did my fiancée (now wife). But I trust this subreddit's judgement a lot. So here I am one more time.

So, I (28M) and my wife got married a month ago, just the two of us.

I have quite a bad family situation, I had gone NC with them ages ago, but I have three brothers and a sister.

They heard news of my marriage and reached out to congratulate me, and we reconnected after the whole ordeal at my brother's wedding. However, my wife and I are throwing a wedding party soon with all our friends and family. I invited my dad's side of the family but not my mom's. I just don't feel comfortable enough to have them at my wedding, we're just starting to reconnect.

But, I feel like I'd be an AH if I don't invite them (just my siblings). I feel like it'll ruin everything with our reconnection path, and we'll be back to point zero all over again.

My wife thinks it's fine, but I'm just anxious. So, WIBTA?

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/jbanelaw

Originally posted to r/talesfromtechsupport

"How Did You Get This Number??!!!" - "You Realize You Are 'On Call' Right?" - posted 2021-11-13

Despite almost doubling my rates for new clients (and that rate was not bargain basement either to begin with) the work keeps on coming in. I know this wave isn't going to last forever, so am taking full advantage of the shortage in the labor market while I can do so.

This means an average work week for me in around 70-80 hours, but again, I'm getting paid by the hour so I don't really care it is pretty much sleep, eat, work, repeat. I'm starting to feel like Scrooge McDuck and his money bin with the good times rolling. I just need to make sure to put enough away so when the bottom falls out of the this labor market and the leads dry up, I've got enough to go lean on for awhile.

Anyway, here is a quick one that I just experienced. Enjoy.

The Scene

"Hey IT Guy! When can you get to that new server we were talking about???" the manager screamed over at me while I was tending to a network issue across the cubicle farm.

"Yeah, it is going to be sometime here..." I say looking at him annoyed.

"Well, I need it up by the weekend if possible. Feel free to do any of the work at night if that helps."

"Actually it does....I might have some time this weekend...Who is my technical contact after hours"

"Great. We really need that up by Monday. If you have any hangups just ping the on-call tech. They are usually around on the weekends anyhow..."

Saturday Night

I remember when I used to have a social life and hated it when a job took me for weekend work. But, that seems like ancient history here approaching year two of a pandemic. Now a Saturday night is just like any other evening. This one though I was about four cups of coffee in and knew sleep was not in the cards. So over to my client's office I go to finally tackle that server I had been promising him.

Should be a 4-5 hour job to get it into production. Nothing special here. Just decommission the old one. Restore a backup. Optimize some stuff. And boom I should be done. Home by midnight. Client will be happy and I'll get a few more hours to bill this week.

First things first, I show up and go to the location where the server was supposed to be. It is just gone. I look around in all the usual places - nothing. Check the not so typical places where some of the in house guys will put stuff - nothing. Hmm....stumped but not wanting to go home, I remember there is an on call tech. I look through my email and see the announcement about who it is this weekend and give his number a call.

Rings through to voicemail. Sounds like a personal phone number, so I leave a message. Call back time says one hour or less in the protocol so I hunker down doing some odd tasks waiting for the return call.

An hour later I don't have a call, so I ring the number again. Once more through to voicemail. I leave another message asking if this is not the right person to please let me know, but I have a job that needs to be finished tonight so give me a call back ASAP.

"How Did You Get This Number!!!!!"

I went to the bathroom and left my cell phone on a desk. When I come back there are 5 missed calls. Thinking something is wrong I page through the call logs to see it is the same number 5 times in a row in about 7 minutes. Hmmm....so I give it a call back thinking it might be the on call tech.

Firs thing out the mouth of the guy who answers - "How Did You Get This Number!!!!!"

"Ummm....." taken aback.... "You called me five times in a row just now...."

"No I didn't....." "Put me on your do not call list!"

"Hey look you called me figured it might be a return call for XXXXX company, I'm a contractor doing some work tonight...."

"You just can't go calling people in the middle of the night because you want to work!"

"Ummm according to the office email you are the on-call tech...."

"I told my boss I don't do call anymore!"

"Well, tell that to the office admin who put down your name....."

The guy is clearly really annoyed and this is a new client. I don't want to get a bad reputation, so I just try to make nice, but he would have none of it.

"You contractors are all the same...." blah blah blah as he dumped on contractors for five minutes.

"Look guy I just need to know where the server might be. Someone moved it today and I would really like to just get it up tonight...."

"This isn't why we have an on call person on the weekends. It is for emergencies only and you wanting to work ungodly hours on a Saturday night is not my emergency!"

At this point in time, I just want an exit strategy.

"OK got it. I'll just let my contact know that we couldn't locate the machine and see what he wants to do on Monday..."

"Got that right bud. Don't call me again unless there is an actual emergency!" Click.

Emailing the Boss

As a consultant I know it is best to keep EVERYTHING in writing if at all possible So I start an email to my contact who is the site manager:

"Hey Manager Guy - I was at XXXXXX company just now to get that server deployed and the physical machine is missing. I contacted the on call tech (if you remember you told me to reach out to them with any problems) to see if they had any insight into its location. Unfortunately, the interaction I had with him was less than positive and I don't think I'll be able to locate the server to get it up by this weekend. Let's talk on Monday. Sincerely - IT Guy."

Figured that was about a diplomatic as I could put it even though I was mildly annoyed to have wasted at least 2-3 hours that night with the whole drama.

I didn't hear back for the rest of the weekend, but figured he might just be waiting until he saw me on Monday morning.

Monday Bloody Monday

Turns out the site manager didn't email me because he was livid at the on call tech. He and that guy had a history of duking it out over on call assignments and other office related politics. So, the manager was taking full advantage of this situation and set up the tech to be fired Monday morning.

Apparently it was "fireworks" galore, but unfortunately I got there about 15 minutes after a few tables got flipped and the police had to be called. And also apparently everyone hated this guy for a long time (I wouldn't know why.....). Word got out that the tech was sacked mostly because I "complained" about him. Now I have people coming up to me thanking me profusely for getting rid of the guy like I actually fired him.

It was an odd way to curry favor with a new client, but hey if it gets me more work I'll take it. Also the random people treating me like some sort of hero, seeking me out to say "Thank you IT Guy" is icing on the cake.

----

The Case of the Missing Server - posted 2021-11-18

You all thought I was going to leave you hanging there, didn't you? Don't worry The IT Guy would never do that to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

So, just to review, the guy who was supposed to be on call got fired Monday morning for failing, officially, performance issues, but unofficial, because he was a jerk too many times. I show up to a round of "high fives" because people think I advocated for getting the guy fired, when it was instead the site manager who had a beef with him. Doesn't really matter now. It looks like actually no one who currently works there actually likes the guy and it is like I just landed a big giant house on the big bad Witch of the East. Whatever, I'll take it.

But, that leaves me, your friendly IT services consultant, still with a job to do....

"When can you deploy that server," the Site Manager throws at me in the late afternoon.

"As soon as you can find it...."

"Yeah, no one seems to know where it might have gone. Can you check the (fancy hardware location application - going to be vague with this one for corporate reasons) logs and see if it has any history?"

"Ummm, sure wasn't aware you had that kind of visibility on the equipment. Where can I get access?"

"I emailed corporate security to have them create you a login and you should be able to find the machine profile by doing a search for the asset tag."

"OK...I've never used (or really even heard of this system) but I'm sure I can figure it out...."

"Yeah IT Guy I'm sure you can...."

Location, Location, Location

OK I've got to be a little vague here because what I will call an asset tracking system is FANCY and I don't want to even hint at anything that might touch a non-disclosure. I've never seen anything like it. Looks custom to a capital C and like someone high up at one point in time had some OCD about hardware, corporate espionage, or security, or something then threw a ton of money at a solution. Anyway, trust me. This thing is NICE.

So, just as the site manager said I get my login credentials, pop the asset tag into a query, and poof the whole profile is right there. Has a history of checking in on the internet and hey look there even GPS coordinates. This ought to be easy as long as the GPS is accurate...

"Hmmm....those coordinates aren't anywhere close to any of our offices...." I think to myself.

Looking at Google Maps, it sends me to a residential section of town about 30 minutes away.

"That can't be right, I can see the delivery confirmation here in the profile. This isn't on the back of some truck still out for delivery....." I continue thinking as I mull over the possibility.

The GPS location is solidly in a house, so I do a quick property tax record search to see who might be the owner of that address and poof it all makes sense.

"I'll be damned if this is right...."

The address comes back to one owner - Mr. I Got Fired This Morning.

Quickly I think my options are:

1. Call the Site Manager and tell him I think the server has been stolen
2. Call Corporate Security and make a report
3. Hey I have the guy's number from the weekend, I can just give him a call and see if he will give me the server.

Yeah I know I should have done option #1 or #2, but I'm feeling frisky for some reason. Figure might as well text him and give him a chance to give up the goods. Guy has already had a bad day, last thing he needs to do is catch a theft charge on top of it all. Maybe he had a legit reason why he took it home....

"Hey This is the IT Guy..."

So I start a text.

IT Guy: Hey, this is XXXXXX. You yelled at me this weekend when I called asking if you could help me locate a server. Security software is showing it at your house. If you have it for whatever reason just drop it back off at the office. All I want to do is get this thing in production tonight.

Jerk Guy: Fuck you. I don't have shit.

IT Guy: Fine by me. I'm going to report it to corporate security and the police.

Jerk Guy: Wait, wait.....I might have something but I didn't steal it. Had it to do some work and needed....(long, desperate explanation here)

IT Guy: Look, I don't care why you might have had it. I just need to have it and tonight. If it appears and everything looks good, I don't care how it shows up.

Jerk Guy: OK, so if I drop it off you are fine with this just going away.

IT Guy: Look I'm not going to lie if asked but in my mind all that people need to know is that the server has been properly installed.

Jerk Guy: I'll drop it off (location at side of building) after hours tonight.

(OK before you security guys jump all over me. The thing was going to get completely wiped anyhow and I made sure there was no tampering. This guy was not some kind of criminal mastermind looking to defraud the company. I think he just had an expensive piece of hardware and after getting axed probably was planning on keeping it.)

About two hours later.

Jerk Guy: Server is by the side door. I kept my part of the bargain, please keep yours.

Sweet Irony

In the end, the on call guy still found me the server and ended up personally delivering it. All that it cost him was his job (which was probably in doubt anyhow since he was a jerk). There was something wholly ironic (or maybe that isn't actually irony - Alanis Morissette anyone?) about him ultimately finding it for me. But, I digress....

Server was still in the box, sealed. I spent the next few hours getting it up and running. Emailed the site manager that night to tell him the job was done and was just going to leave it at that unless asked for further details.

The next morning:

"That was some quick work IT Guy, where was the server?"

"I found it by the side door."

"Huh....that is strange. Maybe one of the guys moved it thinking it was something else."

"Yeah....who knows. Anyway job is done. What is in store for the rest of the week?"

"Thanks IT Guy. I've got a few more projects for you to tackle over here...."

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Mother-Associate1654

Originally posted to r/neighborsfromhell

timeline:

• Original post: 2026-02-01
• First update: 2026-02-22
• Final update: 2026-05-19

Original post posted 2026-02-01

My girlfriend and I were long distance for 2 years. Last Fall, we finally closed the gap, and I am fortunate enough to be able to afford "luxury" apartments in our area. We were the first people to move into this brand new unit, and couldn't have been more excited.

The very first night we moved in, we heard extremely loud noises from our upstairs neighbor. Since we had moved in that morning, I assumed he was doing the same. But the noise over time continued. Extremely loud stomping, what sounded like furniture constantly being moved, jumping, things that literally make my walls shake. And these often occur during quiet hours.

After our first noise complaint did absolutely nothing (in fact, made it so much worse), I decided to knock on his door and politely ask him to refrain from making such intense noise. His kids (roughly 10 years old) were literally jumping off their kitchen chairs onto the floor (my ceiling). He was extremely defiant and by the time I got back home, the noise was even worse.

I am fully convinced each time we report the noise, he retaliates by purposely making even louder noises. It really feels like he instructs them to jump and stomp loudly after we replrt him. He, and his kids, are now incapable of walking without stomping as loud as they possible can. They slam doors and sprint around their apartment like a track meet.

This has had a significant effect on my relationship and my mental health. I despise actually being in my apartment, and the stress of nonstop thunderous stomping has lead to more minor arguments with my partner.

We have documented this issue endlessly, but each time he retaliates and it becomes even worse.

After endless reports, our property manager said he may allow us to move units. Unfortunately it would have to be the same floor plan, meaning I would have to continue to pay the same rent (I am currently on the 2nd to top floor) while moving all the way down the 2nd floor, and swapping a view of our pool for a view of a busy road.

Just overall a very shitty situation. I have lived in apartments for over a decade and NEVER experienced anything like this. Lesson has been learned, I will never be renting an apartment again.

This weekend we finally snapped posted 2026-02-22

So earlier this month I posted about how my upstairs neighbors have completely ruined my apartment due to their excessive stomping and banging. Management has basically offered us 2 paths to fix this issue: call the cops every day or move to a different unit in our building on a lower floor and no longer facing the water, while still paying the same rent. I was very close to taking this deal but Reddit made me realize that is totally bullshit, so we are still in the original unit.

Anyways, this weekend my partner and I had our 2 year old at his grandmother's. We finally had some time to spend with just one another, and around 10pm on Friday our upstairs neighbor got home and began stomping extremely loud. This completely deflated our mood. On Saturday morning, we were awoken with the loudest stomping and slamming yet, starting at 8am. This noise literally went on non-stop until 11pm last night. This isn't just someone walking loudly. You have to literally go out of your way to be this loud (and destructive, we can literally hear the ground cracking and our walls shaking). Today, it was the same thing, with the addition of a thunderous sound I can only equate to picking up a fully packed luggage bag and dropping it above your head onto our ceiling. That is exactly what it sounded it, every 20 minutes or so.

Now, my partner did a much better job at handling this mess than I did when it began. But we are stressed, sleep-deprived, and yesterday her friend came over and was exposed to how bad the noises are. When she was awoken early today by the noises, she was not having it. After a few hours, she snapped. She grabbed the broom, smashed our ceiling back, and yelled "SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THE NOISE". Somehow, this worked. The noise completely stopped and has been quiet for hours now. I am sure it will return, probably even worse, shortly. But good for her. We are done sitting back and letting this person ruin our lives.

Today, she also sent an email to our manager saying we need to be let out of our lease immediately, citing the noise and us having to wear headphones to sleep. She is only 110lbs but this issue has her like a rabid dog, and I love it. I will update when we hear back from management about breaking our lease.

Neighbor from Hell has been EVICTED! posted 2026-05-19

In part 1 of my posts on here I described how my shitty upstairs neighbor & his out-of-control kid have ruined my brand new apartment. He would constantly stomp, run, slam things and make noises so loud my walls would shake and my wifi would go out. This noise started at 6:30am and would legitimately go on until 1am, sometimes even as late as 3am.

I reached my first (of many) breaking points on Thanksgiving eve when the noise was so bad my girlfriend legitimately thought they were going to fall through the ceiling. I politely knocked on his door to ask him to limit the noise and he was completely defiant. From there, his behavior was completely retaliatory, meaning the noise was incredibly worse. When walking to the bathroom, he would purposefully stomp instead of walk like a normal human.

We eventually got management involved, and they told us he actually accosted the 65-year-old woman manager when she called him for the first time. They also found out his kid(s?) were never put on his lease. Both of these things, in addition to his noise, resulted in him getting multiple lease violations.

Unfortunately, nothing changed. The noises never got better. The only solution management gave us was to forfeit our water view on the 5th floor, and move into a 2nd-floor unit facing the street while paying the same price.

We passed. After weeks of never-ending stomping, I wrote how my girlfriend finally snapped in part 2. After this incident, our neighbor began racking up even more lease violations. One incident included him going at least 30mph in our parking garage and nearly hitting my girlfriend.

Well, after 8 months of torture, he has finally been evicted. All of his bullying, lying, evading, and endless noise finally caught up to him. It is bittersweet, however, because we are leaving this complex in a few months ourselves. So our lasting memory of our first apartment together will be nothing but the loudest stomping and slamming that we put up with for nearly a full year.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/JjzMerheb

TIFU by opening up to my boss

Originally posted to r/tifu

Original Post  Feb 21, 2019

So Fridays are usually a casual day here in the office so our lunch breaks are sometimes longer than usual. Today My boss and i were the only ones in the office, so we decided to have lunch. I've been working here for 2 years but we don't communicate that often on a personal level. ​

He rode along with me to grab lunch and we started talking about random things that we like. We got along on the topic of science and the anatomy of the body which was pretty cool. Then we spoke about the eye which led to talk about sleep and REM or rapid eye movement, which led to talks of lucid dreaming. That's where i fucked up. ​ I decided to tell him about how i had a dream once and i realized i was dreaming so i turned myself super saiyan ( powerful and able to fly ) and another where i was going to jail for something i didn't do. I noticed it got awkward and he looked at me kind of judge-y in a way so i tried to change the subject a little. So i then asked him if he had any thoughts that helped him sleep and he just blandly said "No". I told him how i think about how sleep is just like time travel and you close your eyes and the next time they open 8 hours have passed by. He laughed a little then had got up and said he had to get back to work. ​

I stayed to clean the table and heard an email pop up on my computer. I finished what i had to and sat on my desk. Turns out i may have opened up a little too much. How do i know? He sent me an email that was actually meant to go to the accounts guy talking about how weird i am. ​

I figure iv'e got another hour till he realizes, or maybe more who knows. All i know is i'm not looking forward to the confrontation. ​

Tl;dr: My boss and i were the only ones in the office. We got lunch and ate it. I said a bunch of weird things about my dreams and how sleep is like time travel and he sent me an email by accident about how i'm a weirdo. The email.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

IllyriaGodKing

Dude, if that's the "weirdest shit"  that he's heard, he needs to get out more.

smokingkrack

Yup. And the fact he felt the need to gossip with another grown man about it. Dude must have a miserably boring life.

~

BlueBubbleGum

Well, now you know that you need to be 100% professional with your boss. He is not your friend or buddy at all.

I think it’s strange that he ran as soon as he realized he sent the email to you. Seems immature and cowardly, but he’s probably very embarrassed.

I’m sorry he said those things about you. The conversation didn’t seem weird to me.  Maybe he’s the weird one. ​ Update: First off I'm really grateful for the positive response. I thought I was going to keep quiet about this but you guys have convinced me otherwise.

I walked past his office on my way out and he wasn't there. The receptionist told me he had to head out for a " family emergency" ( I didn't buy it). I called him and he didn't answer but called me a couple of minutes later. I mentioned I wanted to talk about an email he sent me by accident and he said " I know, look I'm sorry mate and I know you're probably upset, it was just a bit of harmless banter. Take Monday off and we'll talk Tuesday first thing". He didn't even sound sorry.

I'm not sure why he gave me Monday off, should I be worried about what I'll hear on Tuesday? My whole weekend is ruined now.

Edit: thanks for the gold anon, you kinda made my day.

Update  Feb 25, 2019 (4 Days later)

Over the weekend I had a lot to think about. I began looking for other jobs (As some of you guys mentioned to me). I applied for a few and got some calls back on Monday which was interesting. I particularly like the looks of one job which pays the same however there is bonuses to be earnt & the hours are a little better.

I did go in on Monday but just casually made it look like I was only there to pick up my hard drive ( which I use for work and private things). So when I first walked in I walked straight past his office and he was on the phone, then on the way out he called my name and told me to come in. He asked if I was taking the day off and told me the reason he told me to take the day off is because he wants to speak to me about what happened before I get back to working, and he's busy with meetings.

Today (In Aus it's tuesday) I went into work and saw him first thing. He started off by saying how he was sorry and they always joke around with each other and how he didn't really mean it. He mentioned that he didn't say anything and how it was a bit of a wake up call for him. He asked me if I was still upset or if I still felt like I didn't want to work and I told him I'm not upset, I just expected more from my manager. It felt good to put him in his place like that, even if it wasn't much. He asked me what I wanted to happen so I though about it. Im not reqlly happy with this job anymore and this is a good opportunity to try and go for that new job I mentioned earlier, however they have a 1 week training and examination period before you get hired.

Previously we've never been allowed to take more than 1 or 2 days off consecutively, because we're a small office and don't have the resources to replace someone who's sick/ taking leave.

So after considering my options I told him that if I'm successful in being accepted to do the training and assessment at this new job, that I'd want to take 1 week leave and if I am not successful I'd come back to work. He agreed which is awesome because now I have the opportunity to leave my job and I have my position covered if I don't get the job.

He spoke to me on a personal level and told me that whatever happens he doesn't want hard feelings, and that if I don't get the job nothing will change. I asked him if he could send it in writing and he sent me an email saying my leave was approved. ( thanks to some redditors for reminding me to keep myself covered).

I guess I wasn't expecting this outcome but it worked to my advantage and it could've been much worse.

TL;DR : I opened up to my boss and he sent me an email by accident saying how I'm weird. 3 days later I've got him to accept to me taking a week off work to apply for a new job and my position is secure if I don't make it.

OOP Made a little update March 12, 2019 (2 weeks later)

Update: Got the job! Sorry I didn't update you guys earlier but I've been occupied with it. Tbh I'm pretty happy with how everything turned out, so far so good. My old job and boss are out the window!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/throwthisaway7886688

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for distancing myself from my girlfriend after she told me she used to be a bully at school

Trigger Warnings: mentions cancer

Original Post: May 27, 2020

I (26M) had been dating my girlfriend (23F) for a few months. We were at her house tidying the attic and then we found some pictures of her as a teenager with some friends. I asked her how popular she was at school. I was quite popular, had a lot of friends, and was just wondering.

What she said turned my mind around. She said she used to have some sort of "mini gang" of friends who were always criticising and insulting this other group of girls. I asked why. She said one of the girls in the other group lost a parent to cancer and had since been upset, not talkative, and randomly crying. She said the girl was a crybaby in a 15 year old's body and should just "get over it". The other girls apparently always were comforting the upset girl. She called them the four teen mums due to their hugs and support.

I was upset about this. I've lost two grandparents to various cancers, and I was very upset when it happened and I understood what it was like to be the girl who was upset. I also didn't think my girlfriend had any remorse or regret for what she had done judging by how she spoke of the girl and her friends. We finished tidying the attic and then I went home later that day.

I had since been only responding to some of her messages, and our country has went in lockdown. When she asked about my constant inactivity, I told her the truth. She was angry and yelled at me on the phone that her past shouldn't matter to me and that the girl shouldn't be important. As someone who has lost loved ones to cancer, I disagree. She has since been cold with me, I have tried talking to her several times and calling her, but she just ignores me. AITA?

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. Your girlfriend isn't a teenager anymore. She's well past the age where she should realize that shit isn't okay. I would have said everyone sucks here if she felt bad about who she used to be, and you didn't give her a chance. But it sounds like she has no remorse. In which case, yeah. She's the asshole.

OOP: I only really distanced myself from her because she had no remorse, if it was just some stuff she had done when she was 15 and immature and she was sorry I wouldn't have cared. But she still refers to the girl as a crybaby and other insults. Thank you.

Commenter 2: What’s your goal here? You distanced yourself from her, you’ve ignored her messages, which makes sense if you think she’s an unrepentant bully. But if so, why are you calling her or upset she doesn’t respond?

What do you want? To stay with her while feeling morally superior?

OOP: I was more of wondering if I was TA for wanting to distance myself from her because of what happened years ago, and whether the fact she does not regret it is a good enough reason.

Commenter 2: If it’s a good enough reason for you, it’s a good enough reason. There aren’t objective rules about feeling affection.

OOP: Okay, thank you.

Commenter 3: Ok cool, so you're ghosting at 26 and your criticizing your partner for acting childish as a child.

OOP: I am not ghosting her. I have tried calling her to talk to her, and I only went cold with her initially to think things through.

Commenter 4: NTA. If she got to 23 and doesn't understand that her bullying was wrong, she might still be a bully. Red flag.

Editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post

Update: May 29, 2020 (two days later)

I called my then-girlfriend last night and told her that I wouldn't be able to continue the relationship with her because of her lack of empathy and she was still a bully. She did not beg me to stay, in fact she yelled at me down the phone that she was better off without a guy who "obsesses over her past" and she hopes I "enjoy being miserable without her" at that point I called bullshit on talking to her again and hung up.

While I enjoyed the relationship before I saw her true colors, I decided to block her and unfriend her on all social media I have. I didn't want her to ever talk to me again. As I said, I lost loved ones to cancer just like the girl she bullied lost a parent to, and it offended me a lot.

One of our mutual friends texted me and told me my ex had put up a post on Instagram claiming she broke up with me because I criticised her too much. Luckily her account's private so not the whole world can see but I was outraged and told her the truth. She was shocked and followed to make a post on her Instagram telling the truth about it and I made one on mine. My ex's like count and follower count dropped. Several people also say they have blocked her too. It serves her right.

This morning, one of our mutual friends has left me, but all others have stayed by my side. It turned out the one mutual friend who left me was in fact one of the girls in the photo we found in the attic, who also partook in the bullying, but she changed her style a lot when she left school, at least a couple of my other mutual friends told me some of whom also went to the same school but weren't bullies.

I'm enjoying my life now. I haven't looked back and I hope after the lockdown I'll find someone new.

Thank you everyone.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Mean_Conference7340

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole + their own page

Previous BoRU by u/LucyAriaRose

[Old New Updates]: AITA for refusing to cook for my family’s Christmas event?

Trigger Warnings: child abuse, verbal abuse, exploitation, destruction of property

RECAP

Original Post: December 23, 2025

Throwaway account because I’m pretty sure some of mt family scroll on reddit.

I (15f) really like baking and cooking food. Most of the time I’m making everyone little treats to try or I’m cooking dinner for my family from our background and it’s sort of one of mt love languages, often I’ll bring food to family events because my aunts and uncles are busy all the time and have little time to make food before they host parties and stuff and because I’m not working yet I have more time to make all this fun stuff.

So on Christmas we typically open presents at home then all have lunch and /or dinner at someone’s house. But this year my mum said we wouldn’t all be together. was a bit upset but was like alright, that’s fine with me. then my aunt calls me and asks me if I’ve thought of what food I’m making for Christmas night. I asked what she meant and she told me she’s having a party and mt mum promised I’d make food for everyone. I didn’t really have a problem with that, as I said I love cooking and it was early notice. So I was just like “oh I’ll get ready at this time, and then I’ll have time to make the food”. She asked why I’d be getting ready.

She said it’s an “adult” party, but then I asked for more info, and she mentioned cousins my age were going. So I was kind of upset and asked why I was the only one not going. She said my mum thinks I just not mature enough for a late party. I told her it honestly just sounded like an excuse. then I hung up. I went to my mum, and she didn’t see a problem with me not going, but I told her there’s no way I’m putting effort into that if I’m being excluded. I started crying atp and it made my mum angry, and she said I was being selfish and acting like a child.

I kept pressing for a proper reason, but my mum kept saying “I don’t want you going and I’m your mother so that’s that”. My tone was very rude by this point because I was on the verge of tears and my mum said if I don’t make the food they’ll have to order food, and I’ll inconvenience everyone. I said, “then order it.” and ended the convo. I called my dad and he’s saying he’ll come down to where I live and we can drive up to his for Christmas so I can be with family that wants me there. So even if I wanted to help now I will be two hour drive away.

But basically they have no food plans for the party now. I suggested local chicken shops that do delivery, or even buying frozen food from the shops, but they’re saying they don’t wanna do that. While they didn’t want me there, I know everyone was counting on me for food and now from their perspective I’m saying no and being selfish because I wanted to spend Christmas with dad. and I’m usually one to try see both sides but this is really difficult, cus ofc I’m biased and my feelings are hurt so outside perspective would be nice. Thank u for any feedback :) p.s sorry if this is confusing pls feel free to ask like extra things I didn’t mention I’m incredibly tired rn and may have left some details out.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA, I'm very glad that your dad at least is there for you and actually wants to spend Christmas with you. I'm assuming your parents are divorced, who has primary custody or is it split 50/50? Could you talk to your dad about staying with him, since it seems like your mom doesn't want you around?

OOP: Yes they’re divorced and have been for a little bit of five ish years. Most of the time it’s 50/50 but my dad got a promotion at work and so he works more often and just lets me stay at my mums when he’s extra busy. But he does say even if he is at work I'm always welcome in his house so I think he would not mind if I was there all the time.

Commenter 2: Just curious ... are the cousins your age that are attending male or female?

OOP: all guys.

Commenter 3: Has your mom done other things like this recently? Basically using you for her own gain?

OOP: Not that I’ve noticed or had a problem with. She often volunteers me to be making the food or babysitting and things like that during family events but at least I’m usually invited to those ones. Anyway there’s not much other situations that REALLY bothered me or made me upset that I can think off the top of my head

Commenter 4: Your family sounds like they might be of an ethnic background that has different values. If not, then they are real AH’s. Good for you for standing your ground. Merry Christmas anyway.

OOP: we have a Balkan background but it’s not the case where this is a sort of custom. Also I think there’s more Australian born than actual European born in my family by now. Merry Christmas to you ! :)

Commenter 5: NTA. You are old enough to cook for the party, but not old enough to actually go to the party? That's not how it works. Who does your family think you are, Cinderella?

Update #1: December 26, 2025 (three days later)

Hi guys! I had comments and pms asking for an update, so here it is quickly. This next part is also fluff and random stuff about fun things from my Christmas, so feel free to skip. I separated it to hopefully make it easier to read.

I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas. Feel free to chat in the comments about what you got I love talking about the holidays :) I for one got a vintage car from my dad which was INSANE and I started crying. When I say crying I mean I was balling my eyes out. For anyone who knows cars, it’s a ford falcon XY. I can’t drive yet but all I talk about is cooking and cars. He said I can have it for “collection

until I can start driving it around and insinuated I can have even more cars when he frees up his storage shed near his work. I couldn’t not cry I was so insanely excited. By far my best Christmas.

---

I took a lot of comments into account with advice and also the nice messages as well, so I was feeling confident in my decisions. So yes I did end up spending Christmas with my dad. I was at home and mum was at work on Christmas Eve, he drove the hours and picked me up. I left mum a little message letting her know I was with dad. My message was followed by 34 messages of her just telling me I’m the worst daughter ever basically. She didn’t say those exact words. I blocked her and removed the conversation. But she was basically saying how dare I leave without telling her, how dare I spend Christmas with not my family. Then it was a spam of messages telling me she was going to smash my things, and she better not see me at new year’s because she’s furious and doesn’t want to look at my face. I’ll copy and paste from my notes the message I wrote back.

“I look forward to my Christmas with dad’s side who were happy to see me. And guess what? I don’t even have to cook for them. They aren’t relying on a teenager to feed 30 people. They’re ordering food like normal people. Like people who actually care about the people around them?? Mum idk what your problem was but that whole situation hurt so bad and you are the one person who’s meant to be on my side if no one at all. I will see you after new year’s and maybe we can talk.” My dad helped me write it out. She kept messaging but then I blocked her, so I’d stop getting spammed and cried a little but then I felt better. Me and dad got to the house and you guys. Along with the car there was so. Many. Presents. I have never seen such a crowded Christmas tree in my LIFE. like I was ecstatic I felt like a toddler in a toy shop.

---

Christmas was overall so nice. My dad’s girlfriend is very sweet, and her son is really funny and he’s one of those people that you can tell are gonna make a cool uncle one day, if that makes sense. I saw some comments suggesting making food and posting it to piss off my mum. My dad had the exact same idea and laughed when I told him my friends had also said that (it was you guys, but I think if he knows I posted it he’ll be angry a little bit but it’s okay). So I did end up baking, but it was with my dad’s girlfriend. Her name is Annie. She looks a lot like Jennifer Aniston. We made the classic Christmas trifle (Aussies know) and Biscoff cheesecake which literally had me foaming at the mouth. She also likes baking and bought me a really cool book with fun difficult recipes to try. I posted them on Facebook and my dad’s girlfriend posted some to her Instagram that my aunt stalks with a photo of me pretending to lick the cakes and stuff. It was a fun little photoshoot more than anything.

I say all these nice things, so you know my Christmas was really good, even with what I’m about to say happened during/after.

---

My aunt decides to post a long message on Facebook complaining about not having me there, saying I abandoned the family. Then started talking bad about my dad, calling him names. I reported the post then called her and basically told her to take it down if she wants to speak to me ever again and to not talk bad on the one person that actually wanted me for Christmas, and he did ten times more than she was willing to give me with support and all this other stuff. I was kind of spewing words because I was upset. I don’t care about her Facebook friends talking shit about me, but my dad deserved better than that. She didn’t say anything just hung up and 20 minutes later it was deleted. A lot of family members continued to message me to yell at me. my dad said just block them and enjoy Christmas but then came the spam calling. I did sort of have a panic attack at Christmas dinner, so he had to calm me down and take my phone for a bit till all the notification stopped. They only stopped at midnight when I guess everyone was tired of it. I think it’s safe to say I’m going to live with my dad full time. I’m upset and nervous because school and everything is down with mum but hopefully if I can’t live with dad, I can stick out four years at mums and when I get my full driver’s license I can be at dads whenever I’m not at school.

Thanks for reading my word vomit. Happy holidays and new year’s to everybody! :))

Edit: I retrieved the messages after some commenters advice! Thanks for anyone who let me know it was smart to keep them

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: It wasn't wise to remove your mom's messages... You might need them if child protection services are involved, and it's highly likely they will, because it's definitely child abuse. Living with your mom won't be easy from now on, because you've put your foot down and abusers hate it. Your adulthood is very soon, it will be better then. :) Good luck!

OOP: Thank you! I recovered the messages after seeing some of these comments and screen recorded it all with her number in it as well

Commenter 2: My stepfather had a vintage Falcon that he had restored. It’s a really cute car!

OOP: I love mine so much!, glad my dad was able to even find one

----OLD NEW UPDATES----

Editor’s note: the next three posts are over nine months old, and they have not been posted here onto the sub

Update #2: January 5, 2026 (10 days later)

Hey guys, I tried to post this earlier today, but it kept glitching.

This is gonna be my last update for a while until I have more info but imma tell you what happened post new year’s. Also I keep seeing pms of people asking me if it’s fake. Why would I get on this app and pretend to be in a family crisis to do with food if it isn’t making me money? Think about that before you comment! :) anyway onto the semi update.

So my dad did go and get my things. A lot of my belongings are destroyed. He saw things like makeup packaging and stuff broken on the floor, and my mirror was shattered mostly. As well as a part of my wall was obviously punched in. He couldn’t salvage my picture frames, I had glass ones sitting on my side desk and in my wardrobe of family photos and friends. Those ones also cost lots of money to get done for some reason. But anyway she also destroyed my laptop, camera and a lamp. It was the prettiest pink flower lamp so honestly I’m incredibly pissed but my dad has offered to replace everything. I feel bad but he keeps insisting so at least I know I’ll be getting those things back. My grandma was there while he was retrieving what was left and was berating him and yelling at him and saying all these really mean things to him. I feel bad for making him go alone.

On my dad’s way back home my mum called me and said her and dad had talked. She said she knew I wanted to live with dad and not to worry cus she wasn’t gonna fight it. She was very monotone about all this. Which I know I wanted to stay with dad, but it upset me that she sounded like she didn’t care. She said it was easier than the 50/50 we have going on and it would be easier to just visit sometimes. I said, “well you can’t just choose when to be my mum what do you mean you’d just visit?” I know I said I didn’t want contact with her but it’s like make up your mind? And she was just talking so like matter of factly. I told her it was a really hard decision to choose living with dad full time and it sounds like it wasn’t really all that hard for her. She said “well, it wasn’t. I think we need space.”

ATP I started balling my eyes out lol. If you couldn’t tell already I’m quite sensitive. Trying to not be tho. Anyway I hung up and an hour later my dad came home to me and his gf on the couch doing breathing exercises, which was very embarrassing. I honestly really hate having panic attacks in front of people. They were both very nice about it but ughh I hate being seen as someone who needs help!!! But that night my dad’s stepson I guess you’d call it, drove me to kfc and I felt a lot better after that.

As I’ve said, thanks for all the sweet messages. They really mean a lot to me. Seeing then TikTok comments on the og post that got posted made me tear up, everyone was being so nice and gushing about the car which made me happy. again I prob won’t update for a while until everything’s settled or unless something happens again. If I don’t end up coming back thank you so much for ur help! :) happy holidays

Edit: not sure if I had to remind people in the comments who said “update me” or if commenting that sends them a notification or something but um.. ignore the spam of “it’s posted” messages! idk if they’re asking me or reddit to update them

2nd edit: sorry if I do not reply! Not on this post but I get a lot of pms or comments after I post and I try to quickly just reply to you guys when I can. But I do read every single one of them. Thank you :)

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I’m so sorry having a power hungry abusive parent is so hard and horrible especially in your teens (ask me how I know lol). I’m so happy and relieved that you managed to get away from her and are now with you dad full time, normally once they breach the boundary of being physically intimidating through punching walls and smashing stuff their next step is then getting physical with you. Would it be possible for you to move schools at all to one closer to your dad?

Did you ever confront your family on how they treated you compared to your cousins that were the same age? And were there any other signs of sexism going on or are you the only girl in the younger generation of the family?

Also as a heads up your story is now circulating on TikTok by a pretty big page so if you get a sudden influx that’s why.

OOP: Thank you! She did used to get physical with me, but it sort of stopped when I got to high school. So this isn’t really surprising to me lol. And yes I am moving schools!

I’ve never brought up the sexism thing because honestly I’d never seen it as much as other families with our same background, but it is a thing where boys are excused for a lot of things and girls get put under a microscope if that makes sense.

I did see that TikTok, I’ve been trying to tell everyone thank you because the comments were so sweet!

Update #3: January 11, 2026 (six days later)

hey guys, this one’s gonna be really short and most likely my final update.

I’ll stay logged in but I just don’t think anything will happen or at least not for a long while and people have also stopped asking me for updates lol

so I’m in hospital right now. last night I had back to back seizures and so I’m here getting tests and everything. I’m feeling okay I think! but I’m including this as an update because my mum tried to take me from the hospital. At first I didn’t know how she knew I was here, my location is off on everything and she’s blocked on everything. but one of the nurses that work here is my mums uncles cousin or something and she’s been telling everybody I’m missing. like wtaf.

she tried to sign me out, but my dad saw her and told the lady that she’s not allowed to see me, but my mum managed to charge up to my floor. that lady has a bulldozer switch on her I swear. I was asleep when all this happened, but basically the police got called on her by the hospital staff. She hit a nurse on the way up to my floor, so my dad has said she’s probably going to be charged with assault or something, but we obviously don’t know if the nurse pressed charges. the police were there tho, and they talked to me about my mum. but this has pushed my dad to get me some sort of no contact or restraining order or something. he’s working on it. I’m not entirely sure what he’s doing but he’s working on it.

I hope whoever wanted to see this sees it, and thanks for all the well wishes and advice I’ve been getting! it’s much appreciated. :)

small edit: thank you for all the well wishes <3 my doctors said it was most likely stress related seizures and I will stay to be observed but I should be okay

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this latest update

Editor's note: I am adding a tangential post related to OOP's health from the previous post to share how things were going.

stress seizures: January 20, 2026 (nine days later)

hi guys :) hope everyone had a nice day.

so I don’t have epilepsy nor have I ever had a seizure before this year. I’ve had five seizures this year. First, I had a stress related seizure, two back to back. I was in the hospital and have now been here in for like a week. I’ve had some tests done but my doctors say the results are inconsistent with one another. I have no clue what that means. I’m wondering if anyone else gets stress seizures epileptic or not. I’m feeling a little down. it’s summer where I am and this is not how I thought I’d be spending it. but hopeful

OOP shares on what has taken place so far when she was admitted to the hospital

OOP: I have had five tests done across this week! Some were tests for I think they said neurology stuff and then I did some blood testing as well :)

Commenter: Functional or epileptic seizures are still real no matter how they present. If you don’t understand your results ask questions. Have the questions written down as you think of them.

I think stress lower my seizure threshold. I have been proven to have epileptic seizures. It’s hard to control life around to keep the seizures “away”. I am usually very active during the summer. Last summer I spent a lot of time not doing things. I am going to try and find ways to live life. Instead of being someone who watches life pass. It’s hard to process life and adjust post seizures. My first documented seizure December 2024.

OOP: I like that way of looking at it! My dad is mostly talking to my doctors about everything and tries to explain it as best he can. Good luck by the way :)

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/TinyRascalSaurus

Originally posted to r/neighborsfromhell

Original post posted 2025-09-06

Was bringing in groceries today when my neighbor from two houses down approached me, completely without preamble, and said 'I could have you arrested.'

I've never spoken to this woman. I don't know her. I only know where she lives because I've seen her in her yard.

So, of course, I say 'I don't understand, I've never done anything to you.'

'YOU SHOWED MY SON YOUR TITS. I COULD HAVE YOU ON THE SEX OFFENDER REGISTRY'.

Now, I'm like, WTF, I have never stepped one foot outside my house without proper breast coverage. Yeah, I wear low cut tops and a couple shirts that lace up the front and show the inch of skin between my breasts, but I don't walk around with my boobs on display.

I tell this lady I have NEVER shown my breasts to anyone but my doctor and that her son must be mistaken (read:lying) because that's not something I'd do.

'Well he was walking through your yard last night and says you lifted up your shirt and showed him your tits.'

Guys, I wasn't outside at all last night. I was inside, in my armchair, playing Expedition 33. So, of course I tell this lady that, and she fires right back with 'you did it through the window'.

Now, all the windows in the sides of my house facing the road and my left and right neighbors have opaque curtains or blinds. The back of the living room has windows with no curtains so my cats can look out, but my backyard has a privacy fence on all sides.

So this kid, to have seen me at all last night, had to have been in my private backyard, looking in my open windows.

I have eczema. It itches like hell sometimes. And sometimes I lift up my shirt and scratch my chest and back. This kid probably saw me scratching my boobs, which I feel comfortable doing in my living room because, again, privacy fences on all sides of my backyard. Where this kid should not have been.

I'm trying to explain to this crazy lady the setup of my windows and how I had no idea anyone was in my PRIVATE backyard, and she's insisting I knew her son was there and gave him a private show and I should be on a registry.

She finished with 'well I'm going to talk to the police and see what they'll do about this'.

Do about what? Her kid peeking in my windows? Her kid walking around my backyard without permission? Like, come on lady. Can't a girl scratch her boobs in the privacy of her own home?

If my kid went in another neighbor's yard and saw something they shouldn't have seen, I'd be having a talk with them about giving people privacy in their own homes and asking before exploring a yard.

But, nope, apparently I'm the devil for scratching a skin condition.

Our local police force are mostly decent and I doubt this is going anywhere, but it pissed me off. I guess now I have to watch out for this kid in my backyard every time I want to watch a movie with nudity or walk through the house in my underwear to get something out of the dryer to wear.

Uggghhhhhhhh.

Edit: The son is approximately 8 and possibly neurodivergent from the number of autism bumper stickers on her car. I think he's just a victim of a mom who won't teach him appropriate behaviors.

Update posted 2025-09-07

So, I had a lovely visit from a local deputy this afternoon. Mrs. Neighbor Lady made true on her word and called the police to report me for exposing myself to a minor.

Long story short, officer talked to both of us AND her husband and I'm in no trouble. And I have a better understanding of what's going on.

The kid is AuDHD and his older brother was the one he connected with best. Well, older brother got into a top college and went away for school, and kiddo is having a lot of trouble adjusting.

Sneaking out and running away from home are two of his new problem behaviors. As is talking back and taunting his parents.

The story the officer got from the husband, who seems to be a reasonable dude, is that kiddo snuck out the bathroom window and apparently wandered the neighborhood, including my yard, for about 2 hours until the husband tracked him down and brought him home.

Mom and kiddo got in an argument and at some point kiddo threw mention of my 'boobies' in his mom's face as a 'you can't control me' move. And it escalated from there.

Now, you would think, great news, issue solved, right? Just a kid struggling with a big life change that he wasn't ready for.

Mom STILL wants me on the registry because she thinks I intentionally flashed her son. Apparently she doesn't believe that it was just coincidence that kiddo was in my yard when I had my shirt up.

I'm in the Southern USA. It's hot as the devil's taint outside and my bra makes me sweat right where a bad patch of skin is. I've been scratching my boobs like crazy lately. Come winter, it'll be my legs. I probably had my shirt up several times that night.

So I'm avoiding the wife and having sympathy for the husband because I get that this is a big family adjustment and clearly his wife isn't taking it well. And I do feel bad for everyone involved because kiddo is clearly hurting, mom and dad are having a hard time, and the son at college probably feels bad for leaving his little bro.

But, c'mon lady, don't take it out on your neighbor who just scratched her itchy boobs at the wrong time.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Sea-Throwaway03309

Me [24F] with my roommate [28F] at a loss for how to handle her.

Original Post  Aug 5, 2015

Throwaway to be safe and some details have been altered. But otherwise wall of text incoming.

I met (let's call her Jane) at work. I was moving out of my parents place and she was looking to move too. We got along really well at work, and after talking for awhile we decided to move in together. We find a place, life is wonderful for about 2 months.

Then drama starts. Let's being with Jane and my best friend who we will call Matt. Jane met Matt while helping me moving in. They hit it off and start date about 2 weeks later. Fast forward 6 weeks he dumps her, for a number of reasons. Matt said she got clingy quick, and that she was immature for her age among other things. He was civil about it though and just told her it wasn't working out sorry. She lost it, and I mean lost it. Crying about he was the one, she was so sure of it. She was convinced she was pregnant, took a test but it came out negative. For the next month she proceeded to "ban" his name from the apartment and grill me any time I was hanging out with him.

Now things have changed, Matt is "allowed" to come over now. She has "moved on". She has been bringing a different guy back every weekend for the last 2 months, apparently she meets them online. No judgement sleep with whoever you want but, she got a new job which she tends to work mornings. So she leaves and let's the guy stay. I don't know him and she barely knows him, I've tried talking to her but she just brushes me off saying that it's okay I trust him. Seriously? You barely know him!!!!!

Secondly aside from her relationship drama, she always complains about how money is tight or she doesn't have money for food, but she comes home with new clothes every damn week from stores like Nordstrom or Victoria's Secret, those bras ain't cheap! I've been buying the bulk of food and other shared stuff. I'm gettin tired of spending most of my money on food. Once again say something and I get brushed off.

Finally she is not neat. We both have a cat. Mine is an older cat, about 5yrs. Hers is a kitten about 8months. We have three litter boxes, one in each of our rooms and one in a common area. I clean mine regularly and we are suppose to take turns for the shared space one. I can smell her box all the time. She cleans it maybe once a month, never the shared space one. She never cleans her dishes, or the bathrooms, anything! I feel like I am always cleaning.  I've tried talking to her and she always says she will try but we are almost 6 months in and nothing.

Any advice on how to approach her on these issues? I have started dreading coming home, which I don't like. I don't have family close, I have friends but I want to be able to relax in my own him. I am not planning on renewing the lease with her unless I see some drastic changes, but I have 6 months still to go.

tl;dr roommate has boy drama, cleanliness issues, and complains about money, advice on what I should do since talking has yet to work?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TheGreatAvacado

Break your lease or sublet and move out. There are too many problems to address in a reasonable time frame and think of any losses incurred as recuperated by all her food you won't be buying anymore + the peace of mind that your roommate isn't crazy.

OOP

I've been thinking of subletting, I can't afford to break the lease unfortunately.

Update  Aug 6, 2015 (Next Day)

First off thank you everyone for the advice, after sitting down writing everything out and rereading it I feel stupidly naive for letting this go on for so long. But that is my fault.

Wall of texting coming, apologies this is part anger and ranting, but also asking for some advice.

Edit for my other post:I said I moved out of my parents place, but I have no family close. I needed to move because my parents decided to move to a different state for my fathers job. I could have gone with them or find my own place. I was in my last year of college, been saving up and had a promise of a full time position once I graduated, so I found my own place. Yay for being an adult. On to the disaster of a day.

Thursday's are days I get off work early, and I know she has them off. So I sent her a text telling her we need to talk, she replied with ok. So I headed home prepared to talk to her, and hopefully work this out at least until the lease is up

We live in a nice apartment complex. A Few downsides, everything is electric. Heat and hot water included in that, which is somewhat nice since that means we only have two household bills so to speak. Internet and electricity. We split the bills, internet is in my name electricity in hers and each month we tell the other person what their half is. We also do not have a washer or dryer in unit, it's shared for the whole complex. This is important.

As I walked down the hall to our door she passed me and said she just needed to go change her laundry over. Okay we will taklk when she comes back. As soon as I walked into our apartment I knew some thing was off. I sorta of glanced around and then it hit me, we have no power, fridge isn't running, lights won't turn on, all the little humming sounds of power are gone. Hallway lights are on so the building has power. Check the breaker box, everything is fine. She hasn't come back I called her cell, no answer.

Our power company has the option for online billing, where a statement is emailed instead of getting a hard copy every month. That what she does, I have it for the Internet too no big deal. Well now I am wondering why we have no power. So I called the power company and give them as much information as I could. Surprise they couldn't talk to me, but I asked if they could at least give me a vague reason as to why our power was off. Which the lovely lady said, there is an overdue payment on the account, I can't tell you how much but that is the reason. Jane had yet to come back so I sent her a text message that said I know the electric bill is over due, I want the username and password for the online account. She gave it to me. First and only response I have gotten since we passed in the hallway. Used my phone to log in. The account is over due by $600. Checked the payment history, she hasn't paid since the first month, so they cut the power until the entire bill is paid.

With no power, there is no hot water, no way to cook, and obviously no lights or anything.

So I am done. Not even going to try talking to her. I called my parents told them what was going on and as much as I don't like asking for help, I asked them if the would lend me enough so I can break the lease and just get out. They are both very upset, my father was raging in the background about how selfish and irresponsible she is. They agreed to lend me the money. I called the leasing office explained the whole situation to them and am going over tomorrow first thing to fill out the paperwork.

As far as I know she hasn't gone back to the apartment, I don't know where she is, she won't answer my calls or texts for an explanation. I got my friend Matt to come help me move everything out. Thankfully I don't own much.  He is letting me store my stuff and letting me and my cat live with him until I find a new place to live. Awesome guy I tell you.

I have no idea what will happen with her and I don't care. Call me selfish or mean but that was the last straw I will not live with someone who steals from me, which in my mind is what she did. I was going to try some of the suggestions made from people in my last post and wait out until our lease was up but nope. Last straw not doing

Not sure if I have any options for getting back the bill money but at this point I don't care. I've already cancelled the Internet and I think I will just cut my losses on that front.

tl;dr found out roommate hasn't been paying the electric bill when the company cut our power, am leaving as quickly as I can.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

armony-

What happened to her kitten?

OOP

I didn't mention her kitten mainly because I suppose it could be considered stealing? I don't have her kitten (my cat and her kitten got along well but Matts house isn't that big and he already has a cat) but one of my other friends has her. I couldn't leave her there, she is such a sweet loving kitten. My friend has totally fallen in love her too.

Update 2  Aug 11, 2015 (6 Days Later)

There were few questions in the comments I thought I would clear up, and also and update as to what happened.

There were several people who asked about her kitten. I do not have her kitten, a good friend of mine has been taking care of the kitten. The apartment we lived in was all electric, and with no power (or indication the bill was going to be paid) that meant no way to cool the apartment. The windows all faced one direction so no chance for a nice cross breeze. Our apartment would heat up quite a bit without the air on and it is summer. It has been very hot and humid, so yes I took the kitten. There is more on the kitten to follow.

I debated, spoke with the father of a friend who is lawyer and weighed my options on getting the money back. Frankly in the grand scheme of things its not that much money, and I would rather be done with her and just move on that deal with her crazy.

Onto the update!

So the day after my update I went to the leasing office to take care of business. A lovely gentlemen who I will call Mark must have over heard me talking with the lady who was helping me with the paper work, because he came over and started asking questions about what was going on. Because I have stopped giving a shit about Jane and her life and who knows what kind of person she is, I told him what was going on. Now I assumed Mark was another employee curious about the drama he overheard. Nope when I finished my story and he introduced himself as the owner of the leasing company and building. He asked if he could come along for the walk through, sure why not.

We went and looked at the apartment, her room is a disaster but other than the apartment was just how I left it. I don't think she ever came back.

When we got back to the office Mark sat me down and explained that he owned quite a few of the apartment buildings in the area.  He told me that he dealt with a shitty roommate once upon a time and felt for me. Told me if I wanted to he would wave the fees for breaking the lease, take my half of the security deposit put it towards a new one and only one month rent (instead of first and last month rent) if I wanted to choose one of the other locations. Which means I would only need to pay half a security deposit and one month of rent. Awesome deal but I asked him if I could think about it and he gave me his cell number, said he completely understood.

I went back to Matt's, told him what happened and we did some looking at the other buildings Mark owns. Found one I liked good area, close to work. No pool or gym but I can live without those. Called the lawyer I spoke with before and he told me as long as I get everything in writing it sounds like a good deal. So called Mark, told him which property I was looking at and he told me there was a once bedroom coming available at the end of September. Matt told me I was welcome to stay with him until then. So Matt and I went to the new building met with Mark, and the leasing agents there, everything is in writing and signed. Yay for me.

As for Jane, she finally texted me last night. Asked me where my stuff was and what was going on. She kept bothering me to talk so I finally told her to meet me at a local coffee place. And we could talk. We sit down and I just laid it out for her, told her she was a shitty roommate, she 'stole' from me, and that I was done. I am moving to a different apartment, and I don't care what you do. She of course denied stealing from me, and I just sort of stared at her, and said that I gave you money for the power bill and you obviously didn't use it for that so yea you kinda did. After while her reactions got amusing, she kept going from angry trying not to scream in my face to sad you should pity me. Trying to get me not to move, telling me all sorts of lies, how Matt hates me, all my friends hate me, blah blah blah. I was on the verge of tears trying to hold my laughter back. Of course me trying not to laugh mad her more angry than upset. Finally she told me that I was just jealous of her looks and ability to get guys, and that she was planning on moving into [insert random guy here]'s house because they are in love. I said okay, finally I asked her about her kitten. I told Jane that her kitten is with a friend and what does she want to do with it. Apparently [insert random guy here] is allergic to cats so she was planning on getting rid of it anyway so friend can have it. I just smiled, pulled a note book out and wrote down that she was freely giving up the kitten to my friend, and asked her to sign it.  No idea if that will be any good should she decide she wants the kitten but it is better than nothing. I left after that, wished her a good life and said never contact me again.  

My friend was thrilled to be able to keep jane's kitten. My friend has named her Nala.

That is it, I have a new place to move into, Matt is being awesome and letting me live with him until I can move in, the kitten has a new wonderful home, and I don't care where Jane is anymore. Not my problem :)

tl;dr: Everything worked out amazingly for me and I really have no care for how things are working out for Jane

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Scared_Search_9029

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Original post posted 2024-01-16

I think it would be easy to mention that I was never the family's favorite. I know there's a stereotype that the youngest sibling gets the most affection from the parents. Maybe it only applies to my family, but that's a complete lie. And I also know why my family treats me like that. They make no secret of it.

I wasn't a wanted child for the simple reason that my parents only wanted a boy and a girl. So two children and no more. The fact that I was then born as a second son didn't fit into their family's predetermined picture. For this reason, I was always ignored at birthdays. I wasn't even allowed to be in family photos because they wanted to give the impression that their picture-book family was the way they had imagined it. They never let go of this image. And just as an aside. Compared to my siblings, my parents punished me much more severely for little things. My sister once stole money and was grounded for a week, while I was beaten up for leaving my room at night.

I put up with it over the years because even though my parents didn't really pay attention to me, I always had a good relationship with my siblings. When my eldest brother got married a few years ago, I was still a minor and even though I was offended, I wasn't allowed to attend the wedding on the grounds that it would be a child-free wedding. I was 15 at the time and no doubt there would have been no reason not to let me attend.

Even though I was hurt that I was the only one not allowed to attend, I accepted it. I'm now 19 and my sister wants to get married. She gave birth to a daughter last fall and she and her partner wanted to get married. I was really looking forward to the wedding and bought myself a nice suit. At some point, however, I received a message from my sister that I couldn't come to the wedding because they also wanted to have a child-free wedding and they needed someone to look after their daughter, my niece.

I knew that wasn't true as they had a babysitter. Said babysitter was a friend of hers who wanted to earn some extra money while she studied. When I pointed this out to her, she explained that the babysitter didn't have time because she had to study. Which was also a lie, by the way, as I had previously sent the babysitter a friend request on Facebook and she even wrote a post on the day of the wedding saying that she was enjoying her day off.

I asked her if she had anyone else who could look after the child as I really wanted to be there after missing my brother's wedding. Suddenly she got angry and told me I was being selfish and if I was a good brother I would say yes without argument and if I didn't say yes I wouldn't be allowed to come to the wedding under any circumstances. It felt like a punch in the stomach. I couldn't understand why she didn't want me at the wedding. In the end I agreed, but still contacted my parents again.

They also told me not to be so selfish, as the day wasn't about me and my sister was deciding the guest list anyway. Then I also realized for the first time that my attendance was never planned from the beginning because I was the only one who didn't get an invitation. Yesterday was the wedding and I cried when I saw all the photos posted in the WhatsApp family group. Everyone had a great time.

Even when my sister dropped her daughter off at my place and I wanted to give her my wedding present, she didn't even give me a glance. She didn't even say thank you. Neither for the present nor for babysitting. I want out of this family. I love them but I can't stand being treated like this any longer. I'm about to be promoted at my homeoffice job and when that happens I'm going to move far away and break off contact.

They'll have the image of their perfect family back that I ruined and I'll have my peace. A win-win situation for both sides.

Update posted 2024-01-19

I didn't plan to make an update but so many people asked me to so here we are. My original post is now three days old and a few things happened in that timespan. Lets start by saying that I followed your advice. I contacted the local police and told them about the situation just in case anyone was looking for me. One day after I posted it I packed my things and drove to a friend of mine who lives far away. I haven't seen him in a while but he agreed to let me stay with him until I have an apartment. And before you ask, I decided not to wait for my promotion. I wanted to get out of there immediately.

Thats when I started to read all of your comments. Thank you for your support. I appreciate it. Apparently my story made it to TikTok as well. But you probably wanna know whats up with my family right now. Well I blocked their numbers. Even though you guys told me not to leave a message I left one but not the way you think. My family has a spare key for my apartment. If for some reason they care enough to check on me they find a message in my apartment. I wrote this because I wanted to tell them everything I felt and let them know about their wrongdoings towards me.

And to my surprise my friend got a call from my mom yesterday. I don't know if she found the message or just noticed that I was gone like that. But I assume she did. She said she was worrying about me and that she had called everyone of my friends because she wanted to know where I was and if he knew where I am. He lied to her and told her he didn't know and then she hung up. While some could see this as an effort I know my mum better than anyone else. She is not worried about me. She is worried about her own image and how people would react if they saw how she failed as a parent.

However she was the only one who I know tried to reach out so far. To be fair I blocked their numbers so I'm not saying its entirely impossible they tried but still. My friends mom had invited me for dinner this sunday. His family was always very welcoming towards me and I'm just glad I'm not alone. I would also be lying if i said this situation left me cold because the truth is that i cried for most of the first two nights.

I want to leave all of this behind me and start a new life. Thank you for your support. If anything essential happens I will try to update you.

Marking as CONCLUDED because it's been almost 3 years with no further updates.

This is my first attempt at a BORU, I hope everything is formatted correctly!

Original BORU posted by [u/bestupdator](u/bestupdator) 6 years ago

I AM NOT OOP. OOP IS [u/ineedhelp993](u/ineedhelp993)

I need someone to talk to. Help a brother in need. Please help me

Originally posted to [r/army](r/army)

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicidal Thoughts

MOOD SPOILER: Sad at first, ends full of hope

Glossary of terms and further context provided by u/ms_ellery

1LT - First Lieutenant 2LT - Second Lieutenant (lowest officer rank)

CPT - Captain

XO - executive officer, second in line under the commanding officer

MAJ - Major

CoC - chain of command

BH - Behavioral Health

BOLC - Basic Officer Leadership Course

SF - Special Forces

NTC - National Training Center

So, essentially, OOP was straight out of officer training and his first assignement threw him into the position of acting Captain (position basically 2 ranks above his own) and not properly supported by the chain of command above or below him. 

Original post August 27, 2019

Throw away because my account for for sure give me away

I’m losing my god damn mind, I’ve only here for a month but i am so tired of the isolation I feel as an officer.

I’m miserable, and I do my best to hide my miserable self from my wife so she doesn’t worry. She’s training at the moment, and the only reason why I haven’t killed myself is because she doesn’t deserve to come home to me in a closet, but I’m so damn close to just offing myself somewhere else so she doesn’t have to see me when she gets backs.

If I go to my chain as a freshly arrived LT I’ll probably not be taken seriously about these issues, I feel cornered with no one to turn to.

I want to talk to someone get shit off my chest because it’s heavy

Sorry for the long rant, But so tired of feeling like this, I’m not happy and I want it to end

Thank you for taking the time to read this Your friendly butter bar

I’ll have a 20 pc McNugget with large fries and a diet Dr Pepper

UPDATE: To those who reached out to me Thank you so damn fucking much for the support

From talking to everyone from Private to Field Grade and everyone in between I can’t thank you enough for the encouragement and support.

I’m staying with a fellow LT and will be going tomorrow to seek help regardless of what my CoC thinks.

Again thank you ladies and gentlemen for your words. I’ll be updating you all soon

OOP left two top comments on his own post:

OOP: I’m afraid to be honest that they’ll boot my ass cause I’m seriously contemplating it. I did heavily last night and it’s hard to not show up.

And I see people messaging me, but I’m currently at work and am projected to get off at 1800 so I’m sorry for the delay in responses

Commenter's reply: Nobody gets booted simply for having some suicidal thoughts. That's just not how any of this works. We wouldn't have much of an Army otherwise. So get some help. If you're paranoid about your chain of command, start with a chaplain. But honestly, you probably need the full BH range of treatment options. And that's okay.

BTW, more than one of my former LT patients, who have been hospitalized for BH, have gone on to win combat decorations for valor. The lesson learned should be, the Army wants you fixed up and in the fight. Having you secretive, and dead, doesn't do any good for anybody. Least of all you, but also your wife. Get better then. For her and for you. The Army would appreciate it too.

DM me if needed.

OOP: Im afraid man, just pop smoke tomorrow and tell my boss “hey I’m going to BH now sorry you weren’t tracking these issues” I have no clue what the fuck to do. Was never counseled on what the fuck to do and I’m winging it in a CPT slot. The constant shitting on when I don’t know shit “well no shit ds I’m a 2LT fresh out of BOLC In a CPt slot”

Commenter's reply: Yeah, that's exactly what you need to do. Your boss isn't going to give a flaming crap that he isn't tracking that you had any issues. It is SO not unusual for people to hide the turmoil behind some social mask - a decent human is going to be more concerned about your welfare.

I get it - you want the pain to go away. And right now, you feel like you're out of options.  But you haven't run out of options. At all.  Call the hotline. Call the Chaplain. Call Military OneSource. Go to the nearest emergency room.  And get help. Because you CAN get better. You owe it to yourself (and your wife) to get help.  DM me if you want to talk.

Other comments OOP replied to:

Commenter 1: Leaders need to take care of themselves first.  You can’t lead if you’re falling apart.

I was diagnosed bipolar after suffering for 15 years of service.  Go to behavioral health get yourself checked out, you probably don’t have anything chronic, but I never dreamed I would have a serious chronic illness either.

Here I am chomping on lithium and enjoying retirement.

OOP: The last bit gave me a chuckle I appreciate that.

Commenter 2: Update? How are you doing OP.

OOP: After talking to a Warrant and Captain I trust within my unit, I spoke to my boss. Both the XO and him took me to the ER to make sure I got the help I needed. At first I was pissed because all I want to do today is get back to work, but they both told me “The work will be there, but if you’re not we can’t get another you LT.

I’m doing better, my pride is getting in the way of me seeing the benefit of all of this, But I know it’s for the better

Update: I didn't do it June 22, 2020 (9 months later)

Thank you all, for those who reached out to me, Thank you so much.

If you don’t know why I’m saying thank you, look at my post history and you’ll know I wanted to off myself last year. My wife was gone to NTC, and I thought it would have been a perfect time to end it all.

I posted on here to reach out for some help and the community reached out to me and picked me up when I was down.

Thank you for all the people who reached out from the private who shot the shit with me on the phone , to the full bird who kept in contact with me, and didn’t berate me but talked to me like a son. To the female MAJ who treated me like her own and kept checking in monthly. To the SF dude who sent pics about trails he went on, in the local area when he was stationed here and gave me some solid life advice And the countless others.

Now instead of being 6 feet under and my wife a widow, I have a kick ass position, just bought a home with my beautiful wife, and I’ll be promoting to 1LT soon.

Thank you again, happy Monday everyone.

Edit: Jesus this blew up. Thank you again for the words of encouragement. You are all kick ass people and know when you’re down you have hundreds of people who want you here even if they don’t know you.

Have a fucking kick ass week people

OOP replied to many comment, these are a few:

Commenter 1: So glad you're still with us and congratulations on all your life achievements so far! I'm sure your wife is very proud of you as we all are :)

OOP: Thank you! She is, and I’m proud of what she’s doing . kicking ass and taking names

Commenter 2: That’s awesome man. Seeing this makes me happy. Life sucks sometimes but the support we receive from strangers is truly amazing sometimes

OOP: It really does make a difference even when shit sucks we as a community, will go through hell to make sure we’re safe. Thank you for the help

Commenter 3: This honestly put a huge smile on my face and made my day. I'm glad you're doing better, but if I may give some unsolicited advice I highly recommend you speak to a therapist, just to have someone impartial you can talk to every now and then should you need it.

Anyway, keep it up! Life can be really fucking shitty at times, no matter what happens please remember that people care about you.

OOP: I definitely do! I got fed up with the Armys wait time with BH. (After I made an appointment the opening was 2-3 months out) So now I see a non Army therapist, and this will be month 10 with him. I wanted to get better and wasn’t going to let the wait time stop me.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Electronic_Act7658

Originally posted to r/AITAH

tw: misogyny, abusive behavior

Timeline:

• Original post: 2025-01-30
• First update: 2025-06-04
• Second update: 2025-06-08
• Final update: 2025-08-09

Original post posted 2025-01-30

Okay so I know the title makes it sound bad, but hear me out. This is a throwaway account. I (28M) have been married to my wife Lindsey (25F) for two years, we’ve been together for 7. Our marriage is great. Despite us both being busy with work, we still make time to go on dates and be intimate with each other whenever we can. I work in engineering and Lindsey is an RN, so I pay for most of the bills and utilities. We “split the bills” but I pay for majority of the costs because I make more. Lindsey usually fully covers grocery costs and the wifi which isn’t much because it’s just the two of us. I feel that since I make and spend more money, Lindsey should make up for that in housework.

I’m not some traditional wife desiring asshole, I think it’s great that she works and has goals for her career, I want her to. I feel like our chores are split fairly. It changes day by day depending on our schedules, but typically, Lindsey cooks our meals (she is much better than me, trust me, you don’t want me anywhere near a kitchen) but it’s nothing fancy or requiring a lot of effort. She does the dishes and vacuums but it’s not daily. It’s more like an “as needed” basis. I take out the trash weekly and wash our cars about once a month. This has always seemed fair to me, but recently I’ve felt frustrated with her.

I’ve been at my current job for 6 years and I’ve developed really great friendships in my time here. There’s a few of us that always get together on break for lunch and whatnot. One of my coworkers, “John” (35M) has been married to his wife “Claire” for about 10 years if my memory serves correctly. About a month ago John invited me and the rest of the gang + our wives to have dinner at their house. Claire is a stay at home mom so she handles everything at home while John works and brings home the bacon. I know this sounds bad, but I was jealous. Not because she’s a stay at home mom, I don’t want kids, but because John has a wife that actually puts effort into her food and cleaning.

Their house was IMMACULATE, completely spotless, no dishes left in the sink, little knick knacks left out on countertops, nothing! I couldn’t believe it. Claire set the table and waited on everyone. She was thoughtful and made sure everyone’s glasses were always full and would ask if she could get us more food, etc. She made filet mignon with mashed potatoes and roasted vegetables on the side. It was amazing and I can’t remember the last time Lindsey put any effort into our meals. It’s always something lazy like pasta, a lot of chicken centered meals, tacos, quesadillas, everything requiring little to no effort.

On the drive home, Lindsey made a comment about how Claire is an amazing cook and said she would like to have dinner with them again because they’re great people. I agreed with her and said something along the lines of “you could also be more adventurous with your meal choices so we can eat good at home too.” She took offense to this and said she didn’t realize her food was so bad. I said it wasn’t, but it’s nothing compared to Claire’s because she puts no effort into it. She stopped talking to me and was pouting like a child. She went to bed without speaking to me that night. I ended up apologizing the next day when she got home and she forgave me.

Fast forward a week later and I became more and more frustrated. She was working 12 hour shifts more than usual and as a result, her house work suffered. She would leave at 7am and come home at 7pm, and on some nights she went straight to bed without making dinner. I ended up getting takeout on those nights. Dishes were piling up in the sink, the carpets were becoming noticeably dirty, and she just sat in bed scrolling on her phone or sleeping. I tried to be understanding at first but at this point she’s used to working 12 hour shifts so there really is no excuse.

I ended up having a talk with her and was brutally honest. I told her that I’m not satisfied with her level of house work anymore and I want her to do more. I want her to come home and make dinner and I want her to put more effort into it. I gave her some examples of meals I would like to eat and suggestions for ways that she can clean before going to bed, such as drinking coffee or energy drinks on the way home. I thought she was receptive to my ideas at first but then I realized she looked pissed. She very coldly asked me if I feel this way because of John’s wife and I answered honestly and said yes. I told her I would be embarrassed if my friends came over to have dinner with us after that dinner at John’s.

She started tearing up when I said this and I felt kind of bad for being so harsh. She didn’t say a word to me and just left the room. I came out a short while later and saw her maniacally scrubbing a stain out of the carpet on her hands and knees still crying. I asked her what she was doing and she screamed “WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!” The stain she was scrubbing was pretty much gone but she continued for what felt like hours.

I started feeling sorry for pushing her to that point but then I remembered something …. something that could work out great for me or go horribly wrong. When she was in high school, she was baker acted (I will not disclose details out of respect) and was in a psych ward. She told me she used to neglect herself when she felt really depressed but after being in the ward, she obsessively cleans when she feels depressed or overwhelmed because of the habits they drilled into her. I almost felt like a DC villain because of the huge smirk that crept on my face.

So, the next night she got home at 7pm. I told her I had something to confess to her and she looked petrified. I told her I was sorry, but I watched porn while she was at work because I was lonely. She ended up throwing up from crying so much but just as I thought, she started cleaning. She washed all the dishes BY HAND instead of using the dishwasher. She dusted everything, every fan, every TV screen, every shelf. I didn’t want it to be too obvious so I started limiting this trick to 4x a week max.

Skip to present day, I made a joke at lunch with my coworkers about how I trained by wife to love cleaning. Everyone was laughing and asked for the secret, so I said “all I have to do is make her cry and she can’t wait to clean!” “Daniel” asked me what I mean, and I told him about how her response to being upset is to clean so I’ve been upsetting her on purpose. Everyone was silent while I was still laughing. “Adam” asked why in a very unamused tone. I spilled the beans about how Claire made me realize how unmotivated my wife is and I wish Lindsey was more like her. The rest of lunch was pretty awkward and I felt like I made everyone uncomfortable.

I ended up texting John to ask if I did something wrong because he didn’t come by my station before leaving like he usually does. He told me he felt really weird about the way I was treating my wife and idealizing his. He told me I was being an asshole and “emotionally abusing her” when I should just communicate. I argued against this because I DID communicate. I told her exactly what I wanted from her and all she did was make excuses about being tired from work and needing sleep. She even suggested that I should clean more if the state of the house bothers me so much and that I should learn how to cook before criticizing her.

We wouldn’t be able to afford the house we live in if it weren’t for me. The lifestyle we live is because of ME so why can’t she just show appreciation by cleaning and cooking better meals??? It’s been three days now and I am now sitting alone at lunch. When I sit with my usual group everyone stops talking. I feel like I really fucked up and want to make things right with my friends, but at the same time I feel like what I’m doing is okay because it’s not for no reason. She’s actually cleaning more and I’m so proud of her. Am I the asshole because I want to keep doing it?

Edit: I understand that I'm the asshole now and no, this is not fake. Sorry to bring deprive you of that comfort. It's impossible not to recognize something is wrong with you when a good 80% of the comments are calling it fake or hoping it is. I understand now that I mentally abused my wife and I do want to fix it. Thank you to the two people who actually took the time to offer constructive feedback and advice. As much as I hate the thought I am going to seek out a professional. It isn't possible for everyone to be wrong and I'm right, even though that's what my brain is telling me. I know something is wrong with me even though my brain is saying there isn't. Thank you all for helping me realize it. As per request, I will update in the future if there are any changes.

Update posted 2025-06-04

So, hi. It's been a while. I don't have a lot to say, but I was asked to update if I ever decided to try therapy and I did. I didn't like it. I dropped out of individual therapy after two sessions (my therapist was more interested in my childhood than giving me actual advice) but stuck with couples therapy. I tried, I really did. The therapist and my "wife" would gang up on me. The therapist changed my wife a lot. She went from being kind and soft spoken to rude and brazen. She would snap on me for absolutely nothing and constantly bring up things I've done in the past to use against me in an argument to try and make me submit.

Remember how my "wife" is an RN? Yeah, well she was fucking cheating on me with some ugly c*nt working the same shifts as her. She confessed to that in therapy and said if I could forgive her she could forgive "all the things I've done." NOTHING I have ever done has been close to this. I HAVE NEVER CHEATED. VOWS MEAN NOTHING APPARENTLY.... she also shared a lot of things she never told me, like her last grandparent passing away. In her words, "he wouldn't care." Yes I would have if she told me. She had no reason not to. I wouldn't have been so harsh about the housework if I knew she was grieving, but no, go ahead please, don't tell me anything and then use it against me later because THAT makes sense.

I thought couple therapists were supposed to be neatural. Isn't their entire purpose bringing couples together and helping them understand each other? Since when do they call their clients manipulative? How is that allowed? Anyways, back to the b*tch "wife," I can't forgive a cheater. She is staying with her parents for now as we are separated. I don't want her back in my house. It makes sense now why she didn't want to have sex anymore. We stopped going on dates. Our intimacy suffered. All because she cheated. Therapy was a waste of time and money, but I guess it was worth it in the end because I learned what kind of person she really is. She disgusts me. I did NOT want therapy but I tried my best for her and to change. That is clearly not what she wanted because she cheated. I learned this information last month and I have finally come to terms with it.

As for my "friends," I'm still cool with a few of them, others clearly look down on me so I don't interact with them anymore, but we don't eat lunch together anymore. I sit elsewhere now and it's not too bad honestly. I'm meeting new people. Maybe I'll find love again soon but who knows. My reputation at work in regards to personal matters is kind of shit now.

Well, that's really it. Thank you for reading.

Edit: Holy cow, why is this blowing up the next day? How are people even finding this with 0 upvotes... Anyways, I just need to clarify something. When I wrote this post I was speaking out of anger. I don't want to erase my words and rewrite something better. I said what I said and I'll own up to it. But what I will say is that is not how I feel on the inside. I don't think it's okay that she cheated on me when I was committed to couples counseling. However, I can admit that I'm the true evil here. Yes you can argue her actions were a reaction to mine, but it doesn't seem fair considering she waited months to do so, if I'm believing her timeline of events. I do want to be better. I know I lack empathy and was cruel. I know. I know I sounded like a jackass with how I wrote this. I shouldn't have written an update post in a blind rage but I did. I can't change my past actions but I can try to move forward to be a better human being.

Anyways, I have made up my mind. I can forgive my wife. A user I engaged with yesterday shared their story with me and it really touched me. They could relate to me on some levels. I am taking what they said to heart. I need to be a better person before I do anything else regarding my wife. I did talk to her this morning. I called the same therapy office I went to before and scheduled an appointment for two weeks from now on Wednesday. I apologized profusely for the way I reacted to her being honest with me and for everything else I did in the past. A lot of users told me to look up "battered woman's syndrome" and I did. It made me feel sick. I'm not expecting sympathy from anymore nor do I want it. I know I don't deserve it. I deserve the ridicule and the hate. I won't get any better acting like a jack ass to save face.

Thank you to everyone who sent me mental health resources. I'm not going to hurt myself but I appreciate the concern. I'm committed to being better and I appreciate everyone who saw the humanity in me. Thanks everyone. I'll reply to comments soon, I just got home from work.

I was asked so here's a timeline of her cheating:

Assuming everything she said is the truth here is what I know. She started cheating on me in March shortly after we started our sessions but the flirting started long before that. She couldn’t tell me a date but said it had gone on for weeks. She said it was nothing serious but he initiated everything even knowing she was married. He is also a nurse by the way. He would compliment her, buy her food, and touch her hair like she was a fucking pet. Nurses are required to have 2 30 minute lunch breaks if they work more than 10 hours in our state and I don’t think I need to say this but she would spend them with him if they ever had the chance to break at the same time. They got to pick their break times at the start of their shift and would write the same time down. My wife said this wasn’t very often though because there were a lot of times she refused breaks and sign a waiver stating a break was offered and refused to continue whatever she was doing for work.

She said nothing became physical until April when they had sex in the car that I BOUGHT FOR HER (2024 Porsche 718 Cayman in all black) before coming home. She said she felt extremely guilty and dirty afterwards and that she regretted it but slept with him on 3 additional occasions after this. I asked if he knew she was married and she said yes. I asked why he didn’t care and she said she would vent about the things I was doing to her to him and he “just wanted to help.” By fucking her apparently because that’s a great help. She told me the flowers she brought home every single day for Nurse appreciation week (May 6 - May 12) were from him. Every single day that week all were from him and I would ask who got her those she would lie out of her ass and say patients some days, one day it was her boss, the next it was physicians, never a coworker. I believed it because who wouldn’t.

This is what she told me in the session and swore it was just physical and there were no emotions behind it but after what the comments were saying and typing this out I don’t think that’s true. She told me he made her feel pretty again even though I never insulted her appearance and I still complimented her and he made her feel special. She told me she would cease all contact with him outside of work because it’s not possible for them to never interact again at work. That’s when she begged for forgiveness and told me she could forgive my actions if I could forgive hers and I told her to keep fucking him for all I care and left.

She assured me it was physical with no emotional connection and said that they both agreed to it being just sex but after recounting all her lies I don’t know if this is true. Probably not. I haven’t thought much about the details of this but now I’m feeling conflicted with my emotions once again. She told me the last time they slept together was a week before our last session which was the last week in May, so the last time she cheated was in the third week of May. Not sure how much of this is true now that I'm reflecting on it. I accepted in my mind that she fucked someone else but is that really all. She said he made her feel pretty and special and that she liked the attention from him. Sounds more than just physical. I don't know anymore. I might ask her but not now. I'm too enraged.

My thoughts and Goodbye posted 2025-06-08

This may be the last post I ever make, and I want to explain my thoughts and plan of action as accurately as I can without being an asshat in the comment sections. I am also here to clarify certain misunderstandings among other things. I’m not sure if anyone will read this because of how long it is, but it’s here.

Regarding my posts on the infidelity subs… when I learned she cheated on me, I did not want to work things out. I felt like the marriage was over at that point because she cheated, which to me shows that she wanted something other than me. I told her I wanted to separate, and I offered to rent an apartment while she stays in the house (I would continue paying the bills) and she opted to stay with her parents while I stay in our house. Her parents are well off, and they are supporting her financially. She continued to contact me daily, even when I wouldn’t respond. I told her our marriage was over when she cheated, and asked what the point in going to marriage counseling was if she was going to actively cheat on me.

She apologized profusely and continued to assert that she wants to save our marriage and that it’s worth it to her and should be worth it to me, because we’ve had an amazing 7 years besides these past 5 months of Hell and if she can forgive me for the stunt I pulled (her words), I can forgive her for seeking outside pleasure. With that being said, this is why I sought advice strictly regarding the infidelity and how to move forward and trust your partner when they are working with the person they cheated with. I didn’t ask how to hurt her and get revenge, nor was I interested in comments telling me to do so. Someone did mention reporting the affair to HR, and I asked “would they both be fired for that?” I asked because I wanted to know. I don’t want her to be fired from her job. That would permanently stain her record making it harder to find employment not to mention humiliate her and she’s not the one I would want to be punished, it’s him, so I wouldn’t do anything like that.

The advice I found helpful is to ask her if she’s willing to relocate. She said she would do anything if it means I would be open to saving our marriage again. What I want is for us to continue seeing a marriage counselor (and let her pick if we continue with the same counselor because she opened up a lot with her or meet with someone new) and for her to relocate, because I feel sick knowing they still work together. I think we should continue living separate for the time being until we seriously make progress in therapy and until I have been in individual therapy for some time (given I’m making good progress). If she seriously wants to move forward after everything that’s happened (my action and hers included) those are my terms. She has also agreed that I need to continue individual counseling, but I have not asked about relocation yet. Many commenters have said I’m trying to have “full financial control of my victim to keep her trapped” I don’t want her to be jobless. If it came down to her being jobless versus still working at the same hospital, I would accept her continuing to work. I wouldn’t want her to quit her job until she has another one lined up and secured.

She is not in my control nor dependent on me, she is with her parents who are supporting her financially, and she can afford to live on her own if she wanted or needed to. She makes $130,000 annually, which is great money. I just make more ($215,000) which is why I paid for most of our bills. I have stated this several times but everyone still says the same thing like it’s fact, when it is seriously so far from the truth. My wife has always been an independent woman. I understand that abuse can make people feel weak and like they need to depend on that person and we have talked about this. She said that she doesn’t need me, she wants me. She assured me she doesn’t feel like this is stockholm syndrome or like she is trauma bonded to me, and this is her rational decision knowing the full truth behind everything I did. I don’t want her to be so traumatized she is staying with me because she feels like she has to which is why we talked for hours about this and why she wants to stay. She told me she could live without me if she had to, but that she doesn’t want to.

The situation I posted about was the only time I have ever acted that way and had thoughts like that. How do I know this is true when I couldn’t realize something evil I was doing was okay, and a mean spirited prank at best, you may ask. I wondered the same thing. I felt panicked trying to search my mental library and think about any time I’ve ever done something like this or hurt her intentionally and I couldn’t think of anything. That alone was not proof enough. We discussed this EXTENSIVELY in therapy, and our therapist was the one who initiated it. Our therapist asked her to recount other times when I exhibited abusive behavior in the 7 years we’ve been together (she didn’t say “abusive” when asking, this was majority of our one hour session and the therapist was asking her about certain traits and almost like a checklist of actions/behaviors that meet the criteria for abuse). She said there were none which is why it affected her so deeply. She couldn’t understand where this came from because I’ve never treated her like that and I felt the same way. She felt confused because she didn’t know what she did wrong and what happened to me to make me hurt her like that. She even compared me to people that have TBI and do a complete 180.

I have not been abusing her for years like many commenters are saying, and I am not just saying it myself. Me clarifying the timeline is not my attempt to justify anything or skirt responsibility. Abuse is abuse, and abusing her for a few weeks versus a few years doesn't matter because she should have never been abused by me in the first place. What I did was egregious. My wife is intelligent and she knows the full scale of my actions. I was very honest and shared more than what was in the post. I am scared of myself and how I wanted to and was able to intentionally traumatize my wife through emotional abuse, weaponizing her mental health and trauma against her without seeing it’s wrong. I don’t want to be that person ever again which is why I am actively taking steps to improve myself. I may not have made enough progress for you but I am on the right track. I have so much work I need to do on myself before we can truly work on our marriage. Recognizing my behavior and seeking treatment is a lot better than not accepting it and wanting to keep doing it. When I made comments about how I’ve made progress, I was referring to marriage counseling. I clearly did not make progress in individual therapy because I quit after feeling uncomfortable.

In marriage counseling, we examined and challenged a lot of my beliefs. I also want to reiterate that I have never in my life done something like this, and it was only a few weeks, less than a month in the 84+ months we’ve been together. This is not me saying I am better now or that I’ve made a large amount of progress, nor do I believe I deserve praise. I have an extremely long way to go. Even though I have never done this before, what I did was INSANELY abusive and I need to find out why and work through that.

I was able to look my wife in my face while she cried and not feel a shred of empathy because I was getting something I wanted out of it. Me not recognizing the true effects and severity of my actions in the moment while seeing exactly what was happening to her is what raises a huge flag for me. It is scary to be honest. I’ve seen a lot of comments calling me a sociopath, and on another subreddit where this was reposted there were a lot of therapists that responded. I read what all of them had to say, and they also had the same consensus. A lot of people still thought this was rage bait because “no one can be that dense” and they talked about clients they’ve had that are just like me that are narcissistic sociopaths, and it scared me even more.

I looked up sociopathy which is ASPD, and it’s pretty in line with how I acted and my mindset… I’ve always had trouble relating to the emotions of others and truly empathizing with them even though I’ve tried. I do care about others, I care about my wife way more than I’ve ever cared about anyone else, more than my own family, and I have always thought I cared about her feelings. I always did, until it came to her mental health being used for my benefit. I could not have possibly cared about her feelings in that moment if I was able to look at her in a traumatized state and think “good, she’s cleaning.” It’s psychotic. It came from a place of envy and feeling like I was competing, and she was the competitor versus what I viewed as competition (Claire).

We talked extensively about how I view household chores and finances, and I have a different view on it now. I should have been doing more house work than her because I was home a lot more. The amount of money one is making should nothing to do with how housework is split. I don’t like failing which is why I never bothered to learn how to cook after my disasterpieces. If we eventually live together again and keep working on our marriage, that will change. A commenter had a wonderful idea regarding this and shared that learning how to cook meals together would be perfect for bonding. The expectations I had of her weren’t fair to her at all. Even before Claire, she still should not have done most of the cleaning, dishwashing, and all of the cooking. She never expressed feeling overwhelmed by it and needing me to do more, and thinking reflectively, it might be because she’s determined to be independent and wants to do everything herself. She doesn’t like asking for help from others which is why she shouldn’t have asked- I should have done it.

We also defined my definition of abuse, and our therapist compared it to current research. I have learned a lot about abuse as a whole, and individual types of abuse. I abused her. I emotionally and psychologically abused my wife. There’s no justification for that, there’s no excuse, and there’s nothing that can make that better. Looking back on my childhood, I’ve always lacked empathy for others and found it hard to understand why people were crying and would be upset by certain experiences. This was never addressed in childhood and it carried into my adult life. I have an appointment set up for individual therapy with the same therapist I saw for two sessions. I didn’t give her a proper chance because I had false expectations of what therapy was, and I was panicked when it felt like she was making vulnerable.. I am ready now. My childhood needs to be explored.

I’ve learned that the way I react is a defense mechanism. When I feel attacked I become condescending and have an inflated ego, which leads to me insulting others. This is something I learned in therapy and am trying to work on. I can handle criticism a lot better, but when I’m insulted and for the comments specifically, when someone states their opinions that are wrong as a fact (saying I only want therapy to gain tactics to abuse my wife, for example, or the financial control debacle) I go full defense mode. I also became angry and defensive when I was told I'm not trying, my efforts aren't genuine and that I'm going to continue to abuse her. I’m going to go back to therapy for myself. I need to, and I want to be a better person. I never want to treat anyone this way again, ESPECIALLY my wife. I don’t know what went so horribly wrong with me. Even if my wife decides to leave me in the time it takes me to work on myself, I will respect her decision and continue treatment for myself.

There are not enough words in the English dictionary to accurately describe how heinous and cruel my behavior was. I was extremely abusive and the way I used her trauma response as a tool to manipulate her into doing something so insignificant and unnecessary (cleaning) is incredibly disturbing. Me having the thought to do something like this in the first place was already disturbing. Me doing this ONCE was extremely disturbing. Me seeing what this was doing to my wife and feeling proud of it, thinking I was clever, is sick. Continuing to do this for weeks at the expense of my wife’s mental health (without even recognizing it as something that is actually costing her) is egregiously disgusting. It is bottom of the barrel, despicable evil. I know this, and my wife knows it as well. She has torn me a new one and she has every right to, and she deserves to do that and more to me whenever she needs to. Honestly, I think she could k*ll me and she would be justified to do so.

With the help of our therapist, she described how deeply I truly hurt her. How I ripped open closed wounds only to make them bleed more than they have before. She explained how I made her question reality, and how she wished she was in a nightmare and would wake up soon. She started seeing me as the evil twin of her husband. She explained how I became a stranger to her, someone she didn’t recognize, and how it was conflicting. I saw her experience raw unfiltered emotions. She told me that what I did is unforgivable and it’s worse than anything she has ever been through because I used the trauma response of everything she has been through against her, for the sake of trying to morph her into another woman. When she was explaining how I made her feel about herself, I cried a little bit. I don’t think I have cried since I was 5 years old. I did something despicable and there's nothing that can atone for that. She deserves more than me, but she wants me, so I will continue working on myself and identifying harmful belief systems in order to change them.

I will explore my childhood with my therapist and learn more about empathy and if that’s something I can develop more of. I will be fully honest in therapy about my thoughts and actions so I can be held accountable and accurately receive guidance in order to understand and change my behavior. Even if I am uncomfortable, even if I am vulnerable, and even if I feel attacked in therapy, I will do my best to retain an open mind. I will never quit, I will never run away, and I will never give up on becoming a better person. This is my promise to myself and to my wife.

I only talked about negative things in a very aggressive way to the point where commenters accused me of not liking my wife, so I’d like to share some things about her. My wife is the most precious human to ever grace the Earth with her existence. She is kind, generous, patient, understanding, and loves helping others. Before she became an RN, she loved volunteering at animal shelters and reading with the elderly at nursing homes. My wife is a huge animal lover, and she treats them like they are human babies which I find adorable. I have always admired her selflessness and her passion for her interests and goals in life. She is an avid book reader (when she has the time which sadly isn’t much anymore, and time I have robbed her of in my selfishness), a coffee addict, and a gardener. She loves to go on nature walks and explore the outside world. Her face lights up and she experiences childlike joy when she finds a pretty rock or a pretty leaf. If I ever stumbled across one, I would give it to her. She would protect the leaves like they were the essence of life themselves, and she still has them on her shelves in our work/study room. My wife is hilarious, and she makes corny Dad jokes that make her laugh harder than anyone else.

She is beautiful inside and out, and if souls had a color hers would be gold. She is extremely supportive and is my inspiration to work hard in life. I have always wanted to provide for her and give her everything she could ever dream of and more. I was always thinking in terms of grandiosity, overlooking what truly brings her the most joy in life: the little things. My wife is not materialistic. She likes thrift shopping and antiques. She is very passionate about our environment and I forgot to mention this, but my wife is the person that likes to clean up trash off the beach. We would do this anytime we went. She loves to watch the sea turtles hatch and crawl back into the ocean. Anyways, I always thought that my value was my money. I didn’t think that of her, only myself. She sees a different me that I can’t see. I’ve always had a strong urge to protect her from everything in this life, with how precious and fragile she is, and it makes me even more sick that what she needed protection from was me. She wants to heal our inner children together. I don’t know what she sees in me that makes what I have done worth working through. She is beautiful, smart, and the kind of girl you would interact with for 2 seconds in a grocery store and remember her forever, regretting that you didn’t try to get her number.

I deeply appreciate everyone I have interacted with. So many of you have provided me with invaluable information and insight to myself. I even appreciate those of you that teared me a new one, because I deserve no pity, no sympathy, no understanding. The only person deserving of that is my wife. I deserve the hatred, the insults and divine punishment. I’m sorry to everyone that was triggered by my posts, I’m sorry to the people that have cried reading my posts, and most of all I will always be deeply sorry, regretful, and ashamed of how I abused my wife. I handled myself horribly and my bruised ego controlled me.

This is goodbye for now. The only post I will ever make in the future is an update if I am diagnosed. A lot of users suspect I have NPD or ASPD. I still want to read everyone’s comments because they took the time out of their day to say something to me, regardless of what it is.

My Diagnosis + Therapy and Mini-Life Update posted 2025-08-09

Well hello if anyone is reading this, it’s been a while. This will likely come as a surprise to no one but I have been diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder with narcissistic traits. I have learned a lot about myself in therapy and I’ve come to agree with what a lot of commenters said: if I loved my wife I would leave her. So I did. We resumed couples counseling shortly after I started my individual therapy. I waited until we were in a session to express my thoughts so she could have support and I would as well with navigating this situation. After learning of my diagnosis and what that entails, she ultimately agreed it was for the best.

I learned that I love her in my own way but it’s not the love she deserves. I did love her, but I have to admit what I truly loved was what she could do for me. Her value to me was the benefits having her in my life provided. Even after this I am still in therapy and I think I will stay for a long time, as long as needed. My therapist doesn’t judge me (at least not openly) and she helps me understand myself more every session. I am not seeing the same therapist I saw the first time- not a great fit. I saw another therapist after her, but respectfully he did not seem very educated in his field. I felt like giving up but I am glad I didn’t because afterwards I met with the therapist I am seeing now.

Me and my ex-wife still keep in touch but it’s not romantically. It’s more so a mental health check in, I suppose. She asks how my treatment is going and I ask the same. The ultimate goal (for us) is to be friends but not to force it. If it’s possible for us to stay friends, great but if it doesn’t feel right for us we can’t force it. We met for coffee last week after increasing our communications to calling about work and other aspects of our lives but it was extremely awkward and she looked uncomfortable. I understand why.

Many people wanted to know more about my wife’s perspective. I am not her so unfortunately I cannot delve into the deepest parts of her mind but I can relay some of what she shared with me. Certain things she said to me the day we mutually agreed to end things have stuck with me and sometimes resurface to the forefront of my mind. She looked sad but relieved at the same time. I remember vividly how her face looked in that moment. She said that she is rediscovering who she is because being with me destroyed her.

She is spending more time with friends, looking into new programs/specialties at work, and moved out of her parents home into an apartment once we decided to get divorced. We are still legally married but separated. I offered the house to her but she declined. I will be moving out as well. Being here depresses me. Oh yeah, I also told her she shouldn’t feel guilty for cheating on me because I deserved it. I wasn’t a good person or husband at all. I told her I was glad she found solace in someone when I was treating her so terribly. Me being happy about it was a lie but I hoped it would make her feel better and it seems like it did. I meant what I said about me deserving it and how she shouldn’t feel guilty though.

I honestly like having an anonymous space to vent. I don’t really have friends and I only talk to my therapist about things like this. I think I will update from time to time or post here about my thoughts and feelings. Thanks for reading.

Reminder: I am not the OOP