I am not The OOP, OOP is u/woozlefangirl

I [22F] am getting married soon. My mom had an affair 5 years ago and destroyed our family. We are slowly rebuilding a relationship but it's not close. Dad just told me if she's at the wedding he can't come. Help me!

Original BoRU

Original Post May 13, 2016

I am a long time lurker but a first time poster. I never thought I would be posting to Reddit, but here we are!

Quick  side note, I know my fiance and I are very young but we have been  together for years and were friends since childhood before we became a  couple. Also, hate to say it, but we are religious and it's common in  our culture to marry young. We've been through both pre-marital and  financial counseling so we feel very prepared :)

Anyways,  my issue at hand has to do with the wedding. My fiance, "Steve" and I  are getting married in 8 months. We don't have a lot of money and  honestly neither of us can stand fancy-do's so we are having a very  private ceremony with only his best man and my maid of honor as  witnesses and then we are having a tiny reception afterwards with only  50 people total. So obviously this is going to be quite an intimate  reception.

Here is the thing. My  parents can't really stand each other. Or at least my dad can't stand my  mom. Five years ago, in my last year of high school, my mother was  caught having an affair with her married coworker. It destroyed my  parents marriage.

My father became  a changed man. He was always a happy and confident outgoing guy but he  became quiet, withdrawn and just...empty. It's killed me seeing him like  this.

My mother moved out because  me and my younger brother (who was 15 at the time) basically told her  to GTFO. I have always been close with my mom, loved her to pieces, but  finding out about her affair and seeing what it did to my dad (I've  always known my dad to adore my mother) nuked my relationship with her.

My  brother and I went no contact with her for about a year. I finally  relented when I sent her an invitation to my high school graduation, but  made it clear her partner was not invited. My brother took a little  longer to come around but he talks to her from time to time. Both of us  told the judge we wanted to live with our dad full time which was  granted to us.

My relationship  with my mother is still strained and distant. I know she wants more,  she's constantly trying to talk to me and she sobbed in relief when I  sent her my graduation invite after not talking to her for almost a  year, but I keep her at arm's length and merely make polite casual  conversation now and again. I still love my mother and I don't want to  cut her out completely but this is as close as I want her and I will  never again have a close relationship with her.

As for her affair partner (apparently they are still together after his  wife caught and divorced him) I have never met him and made it clear to  my mother I do not want to. If Mom and I meet for coffee or anywhere he  is not to come, I refuse to see pictures or discuss him with her. If she  brings him up I immediately change the subject. I have no idea if my  mom is happy with him, if they doing well, etc.  I frankly don't care.

As  for my father...in a way we are closer but he clearly has his issues.  It's been 5 years and he's clearly not over the cheating and divorce.  He's not angry or bitter about it, just very sad and depressed. He won't  call my mom or her lover by their names. He calls them "he/him" and  "she/her." He hasn't dated once since the divorce either.

He  won't be around her. For my graduation, they had to be at polar  opposite ends of the bleachers and I had to have my phone on me so I  could text my mom when she was allowed to approach and congratulate me  and then so I could text my dad to let him know my mom left. It will be  this way when I graduate college as well.

So,  my question goes to my wedding. After I told my dad what Steve and I  had planned for our wedding and reception he got very quiet and asked if  I planned on inviting "her and him."

I  said yes I would probably invite my mom even though her partner is not  invited. My dad quietly said it's rude to only invite one half of a  couple. He then said he didn't think he could come if she was going to  be there. That maybe he could be there before or after she comes, but he  just doesn't think he could interact with her in such a close setting.

I was floored and very hurt. I told my dad I would think about it.

Steve and I need to start sending out save-the-dates pretty soon so we need  to get this resolved. I've talked about this with Steve and while he is  very sweet and says he will fully support me no matter what decision I  make, that I'm the only one who can make this choice.

I  also talked to my brother about it and he says he will show up no matter what but he won't have much to do with our mother (if she's  invited) beyond basic courtesies and that he understands dad's position  but thinks he's being kind of ridiculous. He also said technically it's  rude to not invite her boyfriend but it's also pretty rude to destroy  two families by having an affair with another married man so her  boyfriend can go fuck himself and Mother can shove wedding etiquette up  her ass. Personally he'd prefer I not invite her either but it's my  wedding and I can do what I want and he will roll with it (my brother is  a very blunt man and has not been as forgiving of the affair as I  have).

So now I'm stuck. On the one hand if we are being honest, I really do want to invite my mother to  my wedding reception. I absolutely WILL NOT invite her boyfriend  regardless of how tacky it seems. He is not and will never be a part of  our family. And honestly, I'm kind of angry with my dad. Believe me, I understand his pain and hurt but it's been 5 years and I think he needs  to start moving on. It's fine if he doesn't like Mom, I don't much like  her either, but to boycott my own wedding because she might be coming?!? Get over yourself! It's like his hurt feelings are more important than  his only daughter's wedding! He really can't suck it up and just be in a  reception hall with her for a few hours?

On  the other...I really love my dad. I hate seeing him hurt, I can't stand  causing him pain. If I absolutely have to choose between my two parents  I will pick my father every time. Despite him being kind of a wet blanket about the wedding he's a good man with a good heart. My dad and I  are very close and I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with him and I would much rather he be at my wedding than my mother. Plus I'm  thinking since I refuse to invite my mom's boyfriend and it really is  considered a wedding faux pas I just shouldn't invite her altogether. I really don't want my dad to not come.

But, despite how my mom and I are not and will never be close again and how I  think she's getting her just desserts for having an affair...I don't want to hurt her by not inviting her altogether.

I'm  well and truly stuck. I don't know what to do and honestly I've broken down crying over this a few times because it's just so stressful and I feel caught in the middle between two people I love. Please help Reddit.

TL;DR  Mom had an affair 5 years ago and parents divorced. Mom and I have  somewhat reconciled but we aren't very close. I am getting married. My dad is not angry but told me he doesn't think he can come to my tiny  reception if my mom will be there. I want to invite both my parents but  feel torn. My mother's lover is not invited regardless of decisions.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

When asked if her mom was a great mom and has OOP had therapy?

She was actually a pretty great Mom until the affair but it could be she's an asshole AND a good mother.

I  went to my own personal therapy during and after the divorce and  reflecting back on it my dad was always very good to my mom, showed her  lots of affection, gave praise, helped her when she was sick, would  spontaneously buy her flowers and other presents etc. But my mom never  really reciprocated. It's always been obvious to me my dad adored my mom  but thinking back, I wasn't ever sure she loved him because she  certainly never showed it.

My therapist also pointed out that people can be good parents but also  terrible partners and/or people outside of that role and that honestly  helped me come to terms with getting over the affair between reconciling  the mother I knew who I loved and was close with and this selfish  person who did a terrible thing to our family. I really think she is one  of those people my therapist described (good parent, bad partner and/or  person) and that the two aren't mutually exclusive or inclusive.

~

RememberKoomValley

Options as I see them:

1. Invite them both.  Sit down with your dad and say "Look, I love you and I want you to be there. You are going to regret missing it. You won't have to talk to her. If she tries to talk to you I'll have her thrown out. It's important to me that she be there even though we're not close anymore, and it's important to me that you be there, and while the choice is obviously yours, I'm going to be really hurt if you don't come. (With this option, tell your mother that she is not to engage with your siblings or your father, that she's not to attempt to mend any broken fences at the event.)

2. Invite one to the wedding and one to the reception. Or one to the rehearsal and one to the actual day.  Probably your mother should get the reception or rehearsal in that case.

3. Invite neither of them. Nuclear option. "If you can't behave like adults, just don't come." Not recommended. 

It's healthy to avoid certain people being in your life. To some extent I can see where your dad is coming from--I've regularly recommended that someone just not go somewhere that, say, an ex-abuser is going to be in attendance. But if he were here I would almost certainly tell him to suck it up.

I will say that if they end up in the same room, it should absolutely not fall on your shoulders to be texting your dad and telling him when it's OK to approach.  Someone else needs to do that for you, if that has to happen; you're going to be under enough stress.

OOP

This is really good advice.

I've considered inviting my dad to the wedding itself and my mom to the reception but neither Steve nor I really want to do this. It's very nontraditional on both our parts to have a super private ceremony but we have it this way for a reason (we don't want a large audience and it was too hard to pick which people to have there and which to only have at the reception so we said "screw it, just our closest friends as witnesses."

I really do need to sit my dad down and talk to him about this again. I really like your option number one, it's very good, thank you for this whole post.

Update  June 1, 2016 (18 Days Later)

Hi  everyone. Sorry I took so long to post but I got very busy, part of  which was spent graduating college so I'm glad THAT's finally out of the  way. Here is the link for those who need a recap:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4j727c/i_22f_am_getting_married_soon_my_mom_had_an/

WARNING:  This is a VERY long update. Also this post is probably going to get  flamed. Judging how the comments went down as more time went on the  longer my post was up, this is probably going to anger many people. But  there were also lots of nice and helpful people too, especially u/RememberKoomValley

So I was reading all the comments and the more time went on the more angry  and upset I became. People eventually started saying why should parents always have to sacrifice for children, some said I was being a bridezilla and only caring about my day (of course I care! It's my  wedding! It's supposed to be a once in a lifetime event that I want to share with everyone!), many people said my dad had depression and my mother's actions were so evil he was forever off the hook for good. Everyone was giving suggestions on how I could meticulously plan the days to rotate everyone and I felt like screaming.

Steve  eventually told me to get off of Reddit because he hated seeing me so  upset. I couldn't even say exactly WHY I was upset. I just was. Steve said maybe I should go back to my old therapist that I had when my  parents got divorced and talk it out with her. To me, this seemed like a  great idea. I called her up and asked to have an appointment, despite finals being right around the corner.

So I went and EVERYTHING came out. How much I hurt still from what Mom did  and how we can never be close again. And honestly how ANGRY I am at my  father. I never really realized it, but I've gotten so furious and resentful of him. How he never even TRIED to get out of his funk, how  dejected he acted if mom somehow came up, how he never said anything  DIRECTLY bad about her but subtly made me feel so guilty for loving her. Acting mopey, going from fine to depressed if she somehow came up, how I always feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him and how he gets a free pass because he got cheated on; Something that happens to tons  of people every day.

I talked and  talked and talked. I made a couple more appointments. I got through  finals (I want to shout out to Steve here. He is the only reason I got through it all, passed, and got my degree. He is an incredible human  being.)

The tipping point was my  graduation day. Once again, my father made it clear Mom couldn't be sat  near him and he couldn't be near her at all. I had to text her when she  could come talk to me and had to text him once she left.

Her boyfriend was, of course, not invited. But it was so embarrassing  having to contact the officials in charge of the ceremony and ask if my tickets could be changed so my parents could sit far away from each other. They were kind and understanding but that's when I began to get very very angry. My mom has no problem with my dad. She doesn't mind  being near him even though she doesn't love him. I began to think how I'm going to have to rearrange ALL my milestones. My marriage, when I have children, my children's christenings and birthday parties...etc.

Graduation  was miserable. I couldn't look in any one direction to see my family as I got my degree and walked the stage because they had to be spread out.

I  had to make sure my phone was on me and fully charged so I could coordinate my mother and father's locations. It was so awkward mingling  with one group and then my mother, knowing both groups were waiting to have their turn.

My brother interacted with my mother and he was kind of cold but cordial  nonetheless. My mother made no complaints, didn't try to argue or force  herself in there, and patiently waited for her "turn" even though I could tell she was dying to spend more time with me. Pictures had to be  rotated. I couldn't have ONE with all my family in there. My father was constantly texting during my time with her asking if she had left yet  and if he could come back now.

It  seemed so...CHILDISH. Honestly, the rest of my family could tolerate my  mother being around. After all, the divorce was YEARS ago. It's time to start getting over it and moving on with life. It was only because of my DAD that I couldn't relax and just be happy and enjoy my graduation  with my family.

I was supposed to  go to dinner with my dad, boyfriend and other family after graduation to celebrate. I told them I felt very sick and I needed to go home. I just  didn't want to be around anyone anymore.

Steve just held me while I bawled my eyes out. I hadn't cried that hard in years. I met with my therapist a couple more times. This is turning into a novel so I will summarize what I came to realize in therapy:

While the initial anger and hate I felt for my mom was real, I never stopped loving her. But, I felt like because my dad had been wronged, I had to  take "his side." My dad has always made me feel guilty for loving my  mother still. While his actions have never been overt, it has been very  subtle manipulation. I felt like I had to give my dad cart blanche whatever he wanted because if I didn't I felt like I would lose him too. That he would reject and have nothing to do with me if I didn't  practically ostracize my mother. My mother was at one point my best friend and that's gone. I couldn't stand losing BOTH my parents. So dad  has gotten whatever he wanted. And I'm realizing that in a subtle way, Dad has been manipulating my brother and I to treat our mother terribly  for years to punish her. My dad has always been a super passive aggressive guy. It's nothing new. He's always guilt tripped people and  made these little comments that twist people up and hurt them. It's his  form of control.

I love both my parents. My mother did a terrible horrible thing but my dad is no saint either. My mom was just more upfront about her awfulness.

My therapist and Steve also pointed out that if my dad IS truly depressed or emotionally damaged etc. he has never sought to get help for it. Instead he has projected his problems and pain onto everyone else and  made it their burden instead of taking responsibility for himself and attempting to go on with life and that is not ok.

I called my mom and asked her over for tea. Steve left to give us privacy. I could list everything we said and talked about but it would make the post longer. Basically my mom never loved my dad and should never have  agreed to marry him. My dad knew mom didn't love him but didn't care and  insisted she would love him eventually. Some very eye opening things  were said that made sense.

My mother never trash talked my dad (never has) but she gave insights as to  why the affair happened. She says she understands it's no excuse for what she did and she is so very sorry for her own selfishness and weakness.

Basically both my parents are human and mistakes were made from both sides. My mom had the affair yes, but it's not like my dad was the perfect man either.

While I still will never again be close to my mom perhaps I don't need to be  quite as harsh with her as I have been. We will still be low contact but  I did decided I DO want her there for the wedding and for the birth of  any children I have, etc. I love my mom. Always have and always will. She may not have been a good wife but she WAS an excellent mother and I  don't want to cut her out completely. I think my kids lives will be more enriched having her in it.

My mother started crying when I told her she was invited to the wedding  (even though I made it clear to her her boyfriend is not invited. She didn't argue with me on that at all) and said she thought I had asked  her to my house to tell her I would NOT be inviting her and she had been  prepared to accept that rejection and understand it. I did tell her that if dad was there she was to stay away from him and not try to mend  any fences at my wedding. She says she understands completely and will  mingle with my grandparents (her parents) and my aunts, uncles and  cousins (her siblings and their children). I made it clear to my mother  that if she even attempted to talk to dad or any of his family she would  be thrown out. She agreed without question.

Steve and I had a final sit down before I called my dad. I asked him to please give me his honest opinion. Steve relented and said while he  thought my mother had done the inexcusable, she actually seemed remorseful and willing to accept the consequences of her actions and to move on and that my dad, while a nice guy, came off as way too sensitive  and just weak. He said that my dad didn't cheat but he had caused me a lot of pain and anxiety since the divorce and it made him very angry and  it was getting hard to like or tolerate my dad and that his family felt the same way, that my dad was actually a master bully in disguise as a  super nice guy.

I called my dad and asked to come over and that I needed to talk about something. I sat him down in his living room (so this talk was in his space where he  could retreat if he needed to) and said basically "Dad. I love you so so  much. You mean the world to me. But after the fiasco of my graduation  I've come to realize I have had enough of feeling like I have to pick sides for you and mom. I'm sorry what happened Dad. I really am. But  that was 5 years ago. You lost a wife, but I didn't lose a mom. I'm sure  you don't mean to, but you've been making me feel like I can't be close  with you if I want to have any kind of relationship with mom.If it's still impossible to even be in the room with her dad, then maybe you  need to talk to someone so you can start feeling better and not be in so  much pain. Is there some kind of abuse that happened that you're not  telling me about that makes this impossible?"

My  dad seemed shocked and then started to get REALLY upset and basically said mom had never hit him or anything but that "she cheated and broke  his heart and that was reason enough to cut her out"

Dad also said I couldn't understand because I hadn't been cheated on, I didn't know what real love was and also implied it was MY fault and my brothers fault because "if we weren't a part of their relationship he  could move on" but we always remind him of her and what they had, how because of us he can't make a clean break since she's in our lives etc.

I'm  sure many redditors will disagree but this is my dad being typically  passive. Insinuating that because my brother and I exist he can't get  better because we are reminders of mother and it's our fault we exist so he can't cut her out totally. I realize that my dad thinks that if he can get me and my brother to cut my mom out, not only will he succeed in  punishing her but he can have us all to himself and not have to share  with her and deal with his hurt. He's getting us to do the dirty work  for him so he doesn't have to take responsibility.

I told my dad that I loved him and wanted him at the wedding but Mother is invited. Her boyfriend isn't but she is. I told dad that I had talked  to her and I promised him she would leave him alone and stay away from  him and his family and could he not just put aside differences for a few  hours to celebrate with me and Steve on our day?

He said absolutely not and that I was being unfair and insensitive and  that my mom had poisoned me against him. That he wasn't the cheat and  she needed to deal with what she had done and not come and by inviting her I was clearly supporting her cheating and that we couldn't be close  if that was the case because I was being too much like her.

I  had had enough. I stood up and said, "Dad, Steve and I really want you there. You are free to come or not. I love you. But if you don't come, it will absolutely affect our relationship going forward. I am not doing  anymore separate celebrations or events. People can either come or stay  home for weddings, parties, births and whatever. It's getting ridiculous and I'm sick of being in the middle. The rest is up to you and Mom."

Then I left. I haven't heard from my dad since. That's been hard, but I feel like I did the right thing.

I also called my brother and told him everything that happened. My brother was very quiet. He then said while he still hates our mom for  what she did and thinks she's a whore that maybe there is more to this  than he realized and that he thinks our dad is being a selfish jerk and  needs to get over himself. He said it's fine mom is coming to the wedding and that he would be nice to her.

So  that's that. I'm sure many will disagree and be angry with me but Steve and I feel we made the right call. Steve loves and supports me and that's all that matters. I talked to my therapist about it and she said it's possible I was harsh but that maybe my dad needed to hear that  since he has been coddled and enabled for five years.

I am fully prepared for my dad to not show up. If he doesn't it's his loss. Thanks again to everyone who gave me input, some of your comments  were very eye opening. I may post an update in the future after the  wedding but I haven't decided yet.

TL;DR  Broke down and went to therapy. Realized my dad is very passive  aggressive and manipulative. My graduation day was horrible but a  catalyst to realize things can't continue this way and I'm tired of  being in the middle. Had a heart to heart with mom, realized my parents  relationship is not a case of saint vs. sinner but two people who are  human and made mistakes. Told mom she's invited but boyfriend is not and  she will be asked to leave if she approaches my dad or any of his  family. Talked to dad and told him he's hurting me with his behavior and  it needs to stop. My dad is not speaking to me and there's a good chance he will boycott the wedding. Talked to brother and he supports me  and says dad is being unfair. I'm just happy I get to marry Steve and  that I don't have to be stuck in bullshit drama anymore.

EDIT:  wow this blew up! Thank you everyone who commented and offered a POV. Except for the people sending PM's of death threats. I've gotten at  least half a dozen of those, plus calling me a whore (ironic since I'm a  virgin) and hoping Steve cheats. You sound like lovely warm people full  of happiness.

I wanted to point out some things that keep coming up:

1. Remember I come from a religion and culture that is very different from most  people here. Divorce is shameful for us. It is humiliating. The only justifiable reason for divorce is an affair for our people. Divorce "because you're not happy" is not an excusable reason. An affair is the only way out. However, that being said, the person who commits the affair has just crippled themselves. Sex is very holy and pure in our  religion and culture. It is to be between husband and wife only. That's it. And if you break up a marriage because of it you are forever blacklisted. While my mother could/should have gotten a divorce without  having an affair, she STILL would have had a scarlet letter on her chest  for getting divorced for "no reason" which is an ultimate act of selfishness. Marriage is very holy in our culture. To divorce for any  reason other than an affair is "to be like an unbelieving sinner" which is, quite simply, not acceptable. I don't necessarily agree with this as I'm a little more liberal than the rest of my family and most people  but it is what it is

2. My  mother did NOT get off Scott free. She is no longer welcome in her church and none of her friends associate with her anymore. Her family, her friends, her church, her entire community has shunned her. She also  lost her job because dipping your pen in company ink is expressly  frowned upon at her former work place. Both she and her lover lost their jobs and had to find new ones

3. Many are saying I need to start including my moms partner in things and saying the fact she has been with him this whole time shows they have  something special. It actually does not. I didn't put this in my post  but my mom and I actually talked about her boyfriend for the first time.  They are on the verge of breaking up and their relationship has been  rocky for awhile. "P"'s family and friends have disowned him too. He is not of our religion or culture (double bogus for my mom for taking a  lover outside the faith) but no one wants anything to do with P. His ex wife has made their lives hell and will not let him see his kids. When he does see them they treat my mother terribly and make their hatred  known. P is also sick of being not invited to every family event on our side and says Mom needs to start demanding he be invited to things. Mom  is of the view point that they brought misery on themselves and need to accept the consequences of their actions and furthermore knows that if  she insisted on bringing P she would burn the last of the bridges she  has with us and will not do that. P is sick of her "not putting him first" and their relationship is falling apart because of it. The only  reason they have lasted this long is because my mom and P only have each  other because no one else wants them. And they both know it. My mom  actually does love her boyfriend but he does not love her anymore and  she knows they aren't going to make it

4. Many  are saying (even explicitly hoping) Steve cheats on me so I understand  my dads pain because I clearly don't since I haven't been cheated on  (hey that's what my dad said!). This experience has actually taught me the opposite. If Steve were to cheat I would be out of my mind with pain  and hurt. I wouldn't be able to function. I don't blame my dad for being unable to be around my mother. At first. If I had children with  Steve, as much as it would SUCK, I would put on my big girl pants and do what needed to be done for my kids. I've gotten plenty of comments and  PM's from people who WERE cheated on and heartbroken and  devastated...and they did what needed to be done. Since I now know what  it's like to have parents that pick their pain over their kids I know I  would NEVER want to put my kids through that. It's just basic human  decency.

5. I  am not on any parents side. I don't love either of my parents more nor do I think either should be demonized and bashed or out on a pedestal and coddled.My parents are human and imperfect. They are both great  people. And they both have done some really shitty things. That's it and  that's all

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Afraid-Wolverine-117

Had a bizarre first date with a successful property guy and I still don’t understand what happened…

Originally posted to r/DatingHell

MOOD SPOILER: Batshit insane

Original Post  Sept 7, 2026

I’m in my 40s and recently went on a first date with a man around my age that I met on a dating app.

His profile described him as very successful and financially comfortable, but “low-key” about it. I genuinely do not care about money, but this becomes relevant later.

We talked on the phone beforehand and he seemed nice, relaxed, and easy to talk to. We originally planned something simple, but ended up meeting near the water instead.

I was late due to a timing mix-up, which was completely on me, and by the time I arrived he had already left because he wasn’t sure I was coming. I apologized, he came back, and once we actually met, the date was surprisingly great.

He was sweet, attentive, and gentlemanly. Conversation was easy. At one point he helped me up and down a sandy slope, and eventually, when we were sitting together, he asked if he could kiss me.

I said yes.

Unfortunately for my future decision-making abilities, he was a very good kisser.

There was some hair pulling. I informed him that I approved. He grinned and pulled me closer.

So now I’m having a fantastic time.

We eventually started making out in his car, and he asked if I wanted to stop by one of his nearby properties.

He works in property investment/management and apparently owns several rental properties. He talks about always looking for his “next project” and describes his schedule as pretty relaxed.

The property he takes me to is a shed.

He plans to renovate it into a small living space.

It is not currently a living space.

It is a shed.

A dusty shed.

Inside is basically a mattress and renovation clutter.

At this point, I do not yet know there is no bathroom.

We start fooling around.

I wasn’t especially enthusiastic about the idea of actually having sex on the Dusty Shed Mattress™, but things were moving in that direction when HE suddenly said something like:

“I don’t know if this is a good idea.”

And then, almost immediately:

“You’re so skinny.”

I still have no idea whether those two thoughts were connected.

For context, he had been extremely complimentary about my body all day, so I don’t think this was him suddenly deciding he wasn’t attracted to me.

Maybe he thought he would break me.

Maybe he conducted an emergency structural assessment of both me and the shed.

I do not know.

Anyway, we do not have sex.

This turns out to be fortunate because I subsequently discover:

THE SHED HAS NO BATHROOM.

He says he plans to install one during the renovation.

Great.

Love that for Future Shed.

Current Shed remains without plumbing.

Then things get stranger.

At some point he becomes very interested in whether we have mutual acquaintances.

He asks about social media connections and seems unusually concerned about whether we know any of the same people.

Then, after we had fooled around, he says something like:

“You’re not going to tell anyone, are you?”

Followed by another question about whether we might know the same people.

Excuse me?

He had mentioned earlier that some members of his family are very socially connected and intrusive about his dating life, so MAYBE that explains it.

I genuinely don’t know.

Also, despite spending hours with this man, I still don’t know where he actually lives.

I know where the shed lives.

He remains geographically mysterious.

But wait.

We still haven’t gotten to the cash.

At some point this allegedly “successful but low-key” man excuses himself to go back to his car and retrieve a backpack.

He comes back with it.

Then takes out rolls of hundred-dollar bills.

And casually remarks that he carries way too much cash.

Sir.

Nobody asked.

There was no preceding conversation in which I challenged your liquidity.

YOU WENT TO THE CAR AND RETRIEVED THE CASH BACKPACK.

At this point, “low-key” is beginning to feel like an extremely flexible concept.

We eventually go get food.

And somehow the date becomes normal again.

We have drinks and appetizers. Conversation is good. I’m genuinely enjoying myself.

Then we start talking about children.

I explain that I cannot have biological children and that this has been painful for me.

To his credit, he is actually very kind about it. He checks if I’m okay and says he’s sorry I went through that.

Then he tells me he has always hoped to meet someone he could have a child with.

Ouch, but fair. I appreciated the honesty.

Then he starts asking whether I’m absolutely sure pregnancy is impossible.

Could I be tested again?

Could I see a doctor?

What about adoption?

This is our FIRST DATE.

For the record, even if pregnancy were medically possible for me, it is not something I would choose at this stage of my life.

So now I’m sitting across from a man I met several hours ago who is effectively troubleshooting my fertility because he is hoping to find someone to have a baby with.

A few hours earlier, this prospective future mother of his child was half-undressed with him on a mattress in a dusty shed without a toilet.

I cannot adequately explain the cognitive dissonance.

He apologized for upsetting me, we moved on, and honestly still had a nice time.

He said he would like to see me again, or at least stay friends.

So now I’m home trying to understand what exactly I experienced.

The facts, as I currently understand them:

He says he is financially successful but low-key.

He owns multiple properties.

He spends his days looking for his next real estate project.

He carries rolls of cash in a backpack and apparently felt compelled to show me.

I do not know where he actually lives.

I do know the location of his dusty shed.

The shed has a mattress.

The shed does not have a toilet.

He is unusually concerned about whether we have mutual acquaintances.

He asked me not to tell anyone we fooled around.

His social media is difficult for me to access while he was interested in mine.

His family is apparently socially connected and intrusive.

He wants to find someone to have a baby with.

He may or may not have decided sex with me was medically inadvisable because I am too skinny.

Also, he has an Android, which I understand is not admissible evidence but feels spiritually relevant.

I actually liked him.

He was sweet to me.

He was respectful physically and asked before kissing me.

He was a fantastic kisser.

He was compassionate when I talked about infertility.

Nothing frightening happened. I never felt coerced or unsafe.

And yet I woke up the next morning thinking:

What the actual fuck was that?

I’m not even particularly invested in whether I see him again.

At this point I mostly want answers.

Where does he live?

Why did we go to the shed?

Why can nobody know about the shed activities?

Why did he retrieve a backpack full of cash?

What was going to happen to me because I was “so skinny”?

And most importantly:

If you are actively searching for the future mother of your children and you allegedly own multiple properties, why are you courting her in the one without a bathroom?

EDIT: I humbly apologize to everyone whom I’ve offended with my comment about Android phones. That comment stemmed from an ongoing joke I have with my friend who has an Android and we tease one another because she is very anti-apple. She was here when I wrote this and suggested I add it in for laughs. I have had an Android phone in the past myself and find nothing “shameful” about them.

Also, y’all need to calm tf down. And to those of you who continue to insult my intelligence, kindly go elsewhere. No one forced you to read my post. Thanks!

EDIT: I shared this because I thought it was a bizarre, funny dating story and figured other people might get a laugh out of it too. I’m perfectly capable of laughing at myself, but some of the comments have crossed the line from joking into being unnecessarily cruel and abusive. At this point I’m no longer interested in interacting with the post. I will be asking a moderator to disable future comments. Thanks to everyone who laughed with me instead of using it as an excuse to be nasty to a stranger.

TOP COMMENTS

Strip-lashes

Girl, you know where he lives. It's the shed.

Dependent_Mud3325

Its not the shed. He has a wife and kids and the shed os where he sleeps with women. Hes afraid of being found out. Hence the "low-key" aspect

Evening_Analyst2385

I thought this initially, but it screams hobosexual. I know from experience, unfortunately. He lived in a storage unit. Had a great job too. Didn’t want his employer to know.

~

jsojso

Do you know his last name?

You don't know where he lives.

If he's concerned you know the same people, he's married or entangled.

I think there are several red flags here - one being he took you to a secluded shed. The no-bathroom is not even an issue that ranks, given all the other red flags.

OOP

I do know his last name but no, I do not know where he lives. I found a list of properties he owns but he rents most of them out, no idea where he lives.  

Also, the toilet thing is just me using my weird humor to process

~

Character-Bridge-206

The love shack is a little old place where 

We can get together 

Love shack baby 

A love shack baby 

Love shack, baby love shack 

Love shack, baby love shack 

Love shack, baby love shack 

Love shack, baby love shack

doodlebug2727

Tin Roof-RUSTED

Update 1 posted Sept 9, 2026 (Next Day)

UPDATE: know I said I was done interacting with this post, but apparently the universe has ordered one final episode.

Our entire conversation thread on the dating app is now just…gone. His profile is gone too—or, at minimum, I can no longer see it.

Because curiosity has defeated dignity, I Googled his phone number. Nothing. Then I entered the number into Venmo and Cash App just to see whether a name/account would populate. Also nothing.

To be clear, none of this proves anything. He could have unmatched me, deleted or paused his profile, changed his settings, used a number that isn’t connected to those services, etc. There are plenty of completely ordinary explanations.

I am simply reporting that the man who was intensely concerned about whether we had mutual acquaintances, asked me not to tell anyone we fooled around, showed me a backpack full of cash, took me to a shed instead of wherever tf he actually lives, and has now vanished from the dating app has become even less Googleable than the shed.

I continue to know where the shed lives.

The man remains geographically and digitally mysterious.

That is all. If I happen to find out more I will update.

What a fucking weird weekend…

Update 2 posted Sept 10, 2026 (2 Days Later)

UPDATE: because apparently this story refuses to die…

He texted me today around 5:45 in the afternoon and asked how my day was.

I told him it was good and asked how his was.

That was hours ago. He has not responded.

So after disappearing from the dating app, shed guy has apparently reappeared via text just long enough to establish that he is, in fact, still alive.

That is literally the entire update. I have no idea what it means, and at this point I only hope that he responds to my questions when I “casually” text him tomorrow.

Also, for the people saying I made this whole story up with AI: I genuinely don’t know what to tell you. It happened. If I were going to invent a wealthy mystery man for internet attention, I probably would’ve given him a bathroom.

Update 3 posted Sept 14, 2026 (1 week later/Same Post)

UPDATE: Apparently we have entered the hot tub chapter???

For anyone following along: yes, he did eventually text me again.

Yesterday he asked how my day was. I answered, asked about his, and then heard nothing for almost 24 hours. Today he replied that his day was good and that he was feeling a little tired today. (Whether we were still discussing yesterday or had moved on to today, I honestly have no idea.)

I said managing all those properties must be a lot of work, no wonder he’s tired.

He then informed me that he’s putting in a hot tub for the winter and said maybe I could try it out with him.

And my immediate thought was:

NO.

And then I wondered:

WHERE?

Where is the hot tub going, sir?

At your house? WHICH HOUSE?  At one of the properties? WHICH PROPERTY?  Beside Future Shed?  Is the shed getting a hot tub before it gets a bathroom?

How does the shed feel about all this?

I still do not know where he actually lives. I’m going to ask him, I’m just treading carefully now.

So no, I have not agreed to Hot Tub Date.

I am currently just fascinated that every time this man contacts me, he reveals another feature of his property portfolio without revealing where and how tf he lives.

As of now, this is what we’re working with…

Future Shed: no bathroom.  Mystery Property: hot tub pending.  Shed guy: address unknown.

I will update you if he announces the addition of a sauna before telling me where he lives.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

when Satan’s intern comes to stay

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

Original Post  July 24, 2011

I work in a field that’s big on mentoring — at one point or another, everyone in my field had to intern. In fact, the program I graduated from requires a 6-week internship in the final year. I had some great experiences that really helped shape my career as an intern, so now that I’m doing well and am in a position to pay it forward, I did. After giving a skype-talk to students at the university I graduated from, I was contacted by one of them asking to intern with me. She was quite aggressive and had a lengthy portfolio and resume, as well as good references from people I trust at the university, so I agreed.

I’m based overseas, and I explained to her multiple times that while she’s welcome to come, my company was not able to cover her travel or living costs while here, nor were we able to pay her for the internship (this isn’t uncommon — most internships in my field are unpaid). I said this to her verbally as well as in writing, and my manager repeated this information as well.

I work from home, so in the interest of giving her the best experience, we worked out that she’d be based with me for the first half, then go with me to the main office in another city, where she’d finish the internship. At some point in the lead up to this, she asked if she could stay at my house while she was job shadowing me, and somehow, in a fit of wanting to help her out, I agreed.

Once she arrived, it quickly went downhill. I discovered that not only had she not booked any sort of hotel in the other city she’d be staying in, but she hadn’t even researched costs in that city — and it’s pricey, and lacking in hostels or other cheap, safe ammenities. While, during work hours, she was flipping out about this, I gave her a couple of possible solutions and reassured her as much as I could, and came up with a solution that I’d actually used when I first moved overseas to that city.

I gave her a few tasks, and was generally unimpressed — it took her far longer than it should, and she didn’t even bother to spellcheck her work before submitting it to me. But I thought “ok, she’s young and it’s her first day.” I also looked the other way when she asked me or my flatmates repeatedly about the “party” scene in our city and seemed more interested in going out and meeting guys than, you know, working. Her first day, I cited first-day jitters and jet lag for the weird behavior. But over the next two days it plummeted even more. Not only was she not performing (to the point I had to basically spoon feed her every tiny task, and was told by my flatmate that, while I was out on work meetings, she’d come back home for lunch at noon to find the intern. . . still asleep), but I had several panicked phone calls from the university — turns out the intern was sending back emails to them basically freaking out that she couldn’t afford this internship, and it was my, my company, and the university’s responsibility to make sure she could. Emails she’d also sent to my boss.

Meanwhile, two days away from home and she was sobbing and crying in my living room . . . The final straw, however, was when one of her friends back home started tweeting about how dare my company not pay our interns and expect them to shell out x amounts for the pleasure of being our slaves, how dare I, personally, treat her this way, and what a horrible horrible company and organization we were to do this to the poor girl. . . tagging both myself, the university, and my company. We’re a media company, so our Twitter feeds are actually part of our online brand and we have thousands of followers. Who all got to see this vitriol. Including my boss’s boss, when our web guy, confused as to what this was, alerted other managers to it, trying to find the culprit so we could get the posts deleted. When both I and the school contacted the intern, she didn’t seem to see why this behavior was such a big deal — and she declined to get her friend to remove the posts.

We had no choice; we had to fire her. I felt horrible about it, and she left … taking with her work she hadn’t completed, as well as my spare phone I’d lent her for her stay. And for the next two weeks more posts went up from her and her friend, tagging my company, about how horrible we all were, how unprofessional, and how I should be fired.

Fast forward several weeks and she’s back home, trying to find another internship (she needs the credit to graduate, and while if she had completed the projects I’d given her I would have counted the week she was with, since she finished barely half a day’s work in total with me, I just couldn’t), as well as get a job post-graduation. And since her blog and online portfolio which she’s sending out still says she’s going to be interning with my company, and my field back home is fairly small, I’ve gotten a few calls.

My questions are: what responsibility do I have to this girl and her new employers? It’s possible she just freaked out completely — people at the university say this behavior was out of character for her — how much tale-telling am I allowed or obligated to do? I am totally disgusted with her behavior and her friend’s behavior, who both seem to have come out of this feeling self righteous and put upon. I’m 26, I’m on facebook, twitter, etc and I’m careful about it. . . but these kids, barely younger than me, seem to think they can do or say anything they want, and that offends me. Moreover, they have both damaged my credibility with my company — not only did they behave badly on my watch, but they tarnished the reputation of the institution my degree comes from. What can I do to repair that? And is there anything I can do to make sure these two children don’t do this again to someone else? I wasn’t fired — although if I had written those tweets I could have been — but the next person might not be so lucky. Finally, as someone whose name and reputation is crucial to my field, it’s now still sitting out there in cyberland that I’m some sort of horrible unprofessional ogre. What can I do?

Update  Dec 14, 2011 (5 Months Later)

Alas, there’s no heartwarming tale of redemption here. She never called me to apologize and tearfully profess how much she’d learned from the experience, there was no metaphorical hug-and-share-and-love-and-grow moment. Professionally I know that can’t be expected. this isn’t a Sweet Valley High book, even if she did behave like a teenage.

What did happen: after we fired her, she absconded back home, taking with her my spare phone I might add, as well as never turning in the last few assignements she had assured me she had finished. My first week in my main head office was a little rough: I was nervous people were going to hold her behaviour against me. Thankfully, they were mostly just baffled. i took the advice of your readers and either didn’t bring it up, or addressed it directly with my boss and my web guy head on privately. They were incredibly cool and sympathetic about it. I later found out through the office grapevine that my boss, who is based in the main office and only sees me in person once or twice a month, had railed against the intern privately to some coworkers at after work drinks one night, along the lines of how dare she do this to me, after everything I’ve done for her. So it turned out he actually had my back pretty well, and it’s all settled fairly nicely. I’ve also been in touch with the school, and after our last conversation about this, the head of the internship program (who incidentally was one of my professors while I was at school) said as an aside how ‘impressed she was with how professionally and reasonably I handled this.” So, as some of your ever-helpful readers speculated, I may have even increased my own reputation by not melting down over this.

As for the intern herself, I did keep a few tabs on her after she left. The tweets eventually stopped. After speaking with my boss and HR, they thought it would be less confrontational if I approached the Twitter Fiend Friend directly, to ask her to remove the tweets. She’s also an alum from my university, so I think the thinking was that would be casual and have it all stop with a minimum of drama. Her response was acres of vitriol, demanding to know what had happened and why the intern was ‘really’ fired before she’d even consider removing her posts (I informed her that that sort of thing was confidential between the intern adn the company, and ended that email chain). She was in dragon slaying mode for a long time though, and I still occassionally get tagged in posts from her, usually when she’s in an Occupy Wall Street mode and I apparently become the empodiment of the entitled ‘man’ keeping she and her special little snowflake friends ‘down’. I mostly try to laugh at these now, as she doesn’t seem to realize I’m no where near the age, affluence etc of this evil corporate figurehead she seems to want to battle. She is deeply involved in the whole no-more-unpaid-internship movements and I’m told by friends that I’ve even been referenced in a megaphone speech at a rally as a symbol of what will eventually destroy our industry. And that people like me should take our bloated salaries and bonus’ and use those to pay our slaves (um, what bonus? Has she looked at salary expectations in our fields? Anemic, not bloated. I’m lucky I can afford cheese). I’ve heard she’s since had a hard time finding full-time employment: my guess? She comes off a little too radical, hard to work with, etc, which is clear the minute you google her and see her blog and twitter accounts. And trust me, people in my field are googling.

As for the Intern herself. . .My company’s name still appears on the online portfolio she is sending to employers. She never removed it, and the way it has it phrased makes it sound like she completed the entire internship with us. Soon after all of this went down, I was having a conversation with a friend back home about it. I didn’t use names, just called her the Evil Intern, adn in the middle she stopped me and said ‘wait, is this so and so?’ Turns out Intern had pulled similar all sizzle and no steak drama at my friend’s workplace the summer before, but since that wasn’t an internship set up by the school, no one ever knew about it. As my friend told it, Intern swooped in and pushed her way into the centre, taking on projects and pitching ideas and claiming she’d do all this amazing stuff. . . and then never delivered in person. Then one day she just stopped turning up at all.

Soon enough, another friend approached me because she had been contacted by the school to have Intern finish her six weeks with her company. The school had briefly told her that Intern hadn’t worked out with me, and my friend wanted to find out why. I told her as diplomatically as I could, just the facts, keeping out the emotion, but Intern didn’t get that posting either. I eventually found out she got one in another city, and through aquaintences found she scraped by there. She finished the program, however I’ve been told by profs at the school who I keep in touch with that several of them turned her down when she approached them to be references: which is crucial coming out of school, as professors are often the only industry-related recommendations you have. She’s since gotten a job, not in our field, but in one of those periphery-to-it type jobs, where she’s ironically enough in charge of their website and social media.

As for me, in the almost-year since this went down, I’ve been promoted :) SO I guess this didn’t ruin my reputation as much as I’d feared!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ExpertHoeee

Originally posted to r/AITH

AITH for refusing to help my husband hide his own child from our family, again?

Trigger Warnings: child abandonment/deadbeat parent, emotional abuse

---

Original Post: September 26, 2026

Hey, a few years ago we received a random message out of nowhere from a 19 year old named Julian saying he thinks he's my husband's son. Before we even got married, my husband told me he'd gotten a girl pregnant when he was like 19 and that she'd chosen adoption, so honestly a part of me always figured a day like this might come. Except turns out that whole story was a lie. There was no adoption at all he just left her to raise Julian completely alone while he moved on and never looked back. And here's the part that actually broke something in me: when Julian was 13 he found my husband on Facebook and begged him for just one meeting, and my husband's reply (which I only found by accident scrolling an old messenger backup, months later) was genuinely one of the coldest things I've ever read, blaming a literal 13 year old for "trying to ruin his life" and telling him to never message again.

So not only had my husband been lying to me our entire relationship, he'd had real contact with his own son and chose, AGAIN, to throw him away, this time while we were already married with kids of our own. It's honestly been a lot, so much therapy, individually and as a couple, and for the last two-ish years we've quietly been rebuilding something with Julian, completely hidden from our kids. Now that Julian's older everyone wants an actual family meeting, which I was fully on board with, until I found out my husband and his mother had already decided, without me, that the "easiest" move is to tell our kids and everyone else that Julian is just "a family friend's son." Not his brother. Not family. A stranger we know. Hard pass.

I don't care one bit what Julian and my husband privately call each other, that's their business, but I flat out refuse to lie to my own children about who their brother actually is. My husband says I'm choosing drama over keeping the peace, and his mom actually said the lie is more for HIS reputation than for Julian's feelings, which exactly, thank you for proving my point. Even Julian seems hurt by the whole "friend" plan, like he's literally being hidden again after everything, and I definitely don't blame him. So now apparently I'm the villain for saying it's the truth or nothing. AITAH please?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA I don't know how you can trust this man to be the person who is there for you when something goes wrong with you or your children. Will he call Mommy when you or the kids end up in the hospital? Your husband is a coward who runs away. I think you should run away from him and set up a meeting between your kids and their half-brother so they can meet.

OOP: I've had that same 3am worry myself. He says he was a scared kid back then and he's different now, but yeah, actions from years ago don’t just get erased. I'm not at the "leave him" stage over one reddit thread lol, we've got two kids and a whole life together. But the meeting? Pretty sure that's happening regardless of what he decides. My kids deserve to know their brother exists.

Commenter 2: Poor Julian. It seems like you, his stepmom, are the only one with his best interest at heart. Your husband is absolutely disgusting

OOP: He's been let down by adults his whole life and I refuse to be another one. I don’t think my husband is disgusting as a person, just that one choice honestly disgusts me if that makes sense, he's a great dad to our actual kids which almost makes this harder to sit with. But someone has to put Julian first for once, so I guess that’s me right now.

Commenter 3: This breaks my heart. My "father" abandoned us when I was just a tot. Left and didn't call or anything. Met him as an adult. Formed a relationship with him and his wife and step-kids. Was never treated as an equal. Me and my siblings were always treated like second hand citizens. Something in me will always be broken. Your husband is a POS.

OOP: This one hit hard, I'm really sorry that happened to you, no kid should ever have to feel like a second class citizen in their own family growing up. Comments like this are exactly why I refuse to let Julian get brushed off as "just a friend," I don’t want him ever feeling like he has to earn a spot that should already be his. Thank you for sharing that, it really means a lot.

Commenter 4: NTA but your husband is a huge one. A deceitful, dishonourable, cruel one. He want some scared little boy, he was an adult who abandoned his responsibilities without a second thought, and what Julian reappeared instead of facing the music, he responded with cruelty and abuse, to a child. HIS child. I do wonder if you're currently rather absorbed with Julian that you're not properly registering this man has told you possibly one of the most grotesque lies your entire relationship? How will he treat your children if they do something he thinks is wrong or beneath them (or him)? Will he respond with cruelty and abuse he did to Julian? And on top of it all, he's not one jot contrite or remorseful about it, in fact he wants to carry on this shameful lie with your children! You seem to be very okay with that, yet trust is the foundation of a solid relationship. I would wonder if he can so easily carry a lie such as this for so long with zero guilt or shame, what else he has lied about? If it were me I would pit your husband to the post and tell your children who Julian is. Goodness knows all the children but especially Julian deserve some truth and respect from the adults in their lives.

Commenter 5: You and your current husband are a lot alike. Both of you are willing to sacrifice his firstborn for comfort and convenience.

He doesn't want to give up his "future”, so he abandons his child. He was not a 15 year old kid who didn't truly understand how consequences work. He was 19. Old enough to have seen consequences in action even if his trash mother (and father if he was a co-conspirator) made sure he didn't experience them directly. Then, when the child he abandoned reached out to him, he doubled down on the cruelty. Now your coward husband continues to refuse to accept responsibility for his child. Not some family friend's child, but his own child.

And here you come with the he treats my children well so he can't be that bad of a guy bullshit. You, your husband, his mother (and father if applicable) need to face the reality that hubby is a child abandoner and a horrible person who sometimes does good things. You need to face the reality that you are choosing not to push him to do the right thing and fully admit the truth because it would disrupt your life and the lives of your children.

ESH except all of your husband's children. Every adult who conspired against a baby, a teen, and young adult in order to protect their falsely earned reputations as good people deserves to stub their pinky toes every 2 weeks until they do the bare minimum and acknowledge that young man's paternity.

 

Update: October 11, 2026 (15 days later)

UPDATE: AITH for refusing to help my husband hide his own child from our family, again?

It's been about two weeks since my original post, and things have been tense at home.

A few days later, I reached out to Julian privately and asked how he felt about my husband's plan to introduce him to the family as a family friend's son. He admitted that the idea hurt more than he wanted to let on. He didn't expect everyone to welcome him with open arms, but after spending two years rebuilding a relationship with his father, being introduced as some random person's son felt like being rejected all over again.

That honestly broke my heart. He'd already spent years being treated like a secret, and now we were asking him to play along with another lie just to make things easier for everyone else. I decided to have another conversation with my husband, this time without his mother involved. I asked him directly, "Are you trying to protect our kids, or are you trying to protect yourself from having to admit what you did?"

He immediately got defensive, saying I was making him out to be a terrible father. He didn't want our children to lose respect for him over something that happened before they were born. I reminded him that Julian wasn't just some mistake from his past. He'd abandoned him, rejected him when he was 13 and begging for a relationship, and then lied to me about the whole situation throughout our relationship.

After arguing for a while, my husband finally admitted he was ashamed. He was terrified the kids would ask why he'd abandoned Julian, and he didn't know how to explain it without looking like the bad guy. He'd been hoping the situation would somehow resolve itself without him having to face the consequences. I told him I wasn't asking him to share every ugly detail with the kids immediately. They deserve an age-appropriate explanation, not the entire history of his mistakes. But Julian is his son, and I won't pretend otherwise just to protect his reputation.

We also discussed his mother. My husband admitted she'd encouraged the "family friend's son" idea because she was worried about what the extended family would think. He'd gone along with it because it seemed easier than dealing with everyone's reactions. I told him that wasn't a good enough reason to make Julian feel unwanted all over again.

Eventually, my husband agreed that we need to tell our children who Julian really is. We're still figuring out how to approach the conversation, and Julian will have a say in what personal details are shared with the wider family. My MIL is furious with me. She thinks I had no right to pressure my husband into revealing something that could change how our children see him. She told me I should have let him handle the situation in his own time instead of turning his past into a family issue.

My husband has also remained upset with me. He says I cornered him and didn't give him enough time to figure things out himself. Part of me understands that this is difficult for him, but I'm frustrated that he seems more worried about how our children will judge him than about how Julian feels being hidden yet again. We're still working through everything in therapy, and this hasn't magically repaired the damage to our marriage. We haven't told the kids yet, and I'm nervous about how they'll react. I know this could permanently change how they see their father.

I don't want to hurt my husband, but I also don't think protecting him from the consequences of his own choices should come at Julian's expense. So, AITH for pushing my husband to finally acknowledge his son to our family, even though my husband thinks I should have let him decide when and how to tell the truth?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Good for you. Julian deserves to be acknowledged and accepted. Your husband needs to grow up and deal with the baggage he caused.

OOP: Thank you <3 I think that's what frustrates me the most. He's had years to avoid dealing with what he did, but Julian is the one who's had to live with the consequences. I don't expect my husband to be perfect, but I do expect him to take responsibility and stop making Julian feel like something he needs to hide.

Commenter 2: I just can’t imagine being Julian. Your husband needed more time? Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me. What lessons is he teaching your kids by lying? What else is he hiding from you? I suspect there’s more under the surface. Either way, I hope you’re having a reckoning with your husband. He needs to be a good husband and honest man to all of his kids. I’m curious how the reveal will actually go. Good for you for standing up for Julian and your kids.

OOP: Honestly, I've started asking myself those same questions. If he could lie about something this significant for so many years, it's hard not to wonder what else I don't know. I also keep thinking about Julian and how many times he's had to be the one who suffers because my husband is too ashamed to face his own choices. We're still working through a lot in therapy, and I know telling the kids is going to be difficult, but I want it to be done properly this time. I'll update when that conversation happens.

Commenter 3: I have 4 kids with my ex-husband. Since I left, he hasn’t seen his kids. It’s been 8 years.

Just be aware, that this man will probably do it again if your marriage doesn’t work.

You will be raising those kids alone. Are you okay staying with someone like that? (The irony, right?)

OOP: That's honestly something I've thought about, especially now that I know he had multiple chances to be there for Julian and chose not to. I can't predict what he'd do if our marriage ended, but I can't ignore that pattern either. We're in therapy, but I know rebuilding trust will take more than just promises. I'm sorry you and your kids went through that, and thank you for making me think about this side of things.

Commenter 4: NTA but your husband is. He’s had 19 years to acknowledge this boy. He’s a pos!

OOP: Honestly, it's hard to argue with that when I look at the timeline. What gets me is that Julian gave him another chance when he was only 13, and my husband still chose to reject him. I know shame is part of what's holding him back now, but Julian shouldn't have to keep paying for his father's choices. Thank you for being honest.

Commenter 5: MIL pressuring "in his own time" is wild; it's been 19 YEARS.

Good on you for being a good human.

OOP: That's what I keep coming back to. How much more time does he need when Julian has already spent most of his life waiting for his father to acknowledge him? I understand my husband feels ashamed, but Julian shouldn't have to keep waiting just because the truth is uncomfortable for everyone else

Commenter 6: NTA! I’m just glad Julian has you in his corner. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I love that he is able to trust you and be honest about his feelings. You’re clearly an amazing person and Mom.

OOP: Thank you, this genuinely means a lot ❤️ I think what hurts most is knowing Julian has spent so much of his life feeling unwanted by his own father. I can't undo what happened to him, but I can at least make sure he's not made to feel like a secret in our family anymore. I'm glad he feels comfortable enough to tell me how he really feels, and I want to keep earning that trust.

Commenter 7: Wow. He’s afraid his kids will think he’s a terrible person, so he then proceeds to continue to be a terrible person? Yeah, sorry you’re married to that.

OOP: That's exactly what I've been struggling with. He's so worried about our kids thinking less of him that he was willing to make Julian feel rejected all over again. I keep hoping he'll understand that taking responsibility is the only way to move forward, but it's frustrating that I had to push him this far just to get him to acknowledge it

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/throwaway-7772552

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Original post - posted 2022-11-08

English isn't my first language so sorry for any mistakes!

Quick backstory: I (27M) am a result of a one night stand. My mom already had 4 kids from her deceased husband before I came along. She has never liked me, and always treated me like garbage. I used to live with my birth father in (the country where he's from) until I moved with my mom when I was 16. It was her life mission to make me miserable. But I moved out when I was 18 to go to college.

Now, here's the situation. I have three half-brothers (30M. 35M. 47M.) my (35M) brother was the one getting married. When I lived with my mom, he was nice to me when he visited, the other two absolutely despised me.

I haven't spoken to him much in the last years, but to my surprise, he asked me to be the best man at his wedding, I agreed because he was the only good thing about my miserable childhood.

The day of the wedding was the first time I saw my mom and other half-siblings in the last 9 years. They still don't like me.

After I've given my best man speech, I stayed with my fiancée for most of the wedding, since I barely knew MY family let alone the bride's. When I was standing alone my mom approached me and started talking down to me, I was used to it so I just let her talk her talk. Until she said that my brother only asked me to be the best man because he got in a huge fight with the other two over who gets to be the best man, so he asked me just to spite them, and that I wasn't even getting invited in the first place.

I was more hurt than I expected, then asked him if it was true. He said yes guiltily and kept apologizing, saying he was glad I was there. I was still furious so I excused myself and left with my fiancée, but then he texted me a day later saying I'm an asshole for leaving, and that everyone kept questioning why I left, also saying I ruined the wedding for him.

I kind of feel bad now, maybe I overreacted. So, AITA?

Sorry if this is all over the place, once again, English is not my first language!

EDIT/UPDATE: so, i actually deleted the app when i was deemed not the AH. But apparently my brother made a whole post about the situation, so i logged in one last time to read it and safe to say everyone made my day. And my incredible fiancée put him in his place. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. To everyone who commented supportive things to me or my fiancée. And to my brother, I hope you find peace in your life, and also a therapist. bless. :)

Commenter:

NTA. It was very kind of you to show up and prepare to be there for someone you cared about, even after drifting apart. I can’t imagine the punch to the gut it must have been to learn that your kindness and goodwill was taken advantage of in an attempt to get at other people—you showed up with your best foot forward, only to learn that your brother just wanted you there to send a message to other people. How awful. I hope your fiancée’s family can show you the consideration your family can’t, and I wish you the best! <3

OOP responds:

thank you so much for this lovely comment! My fiancée's family is amazing, I've spent every christmas with them for the last 4 years. :)

----

And the half-brother (u/groomthrowawayy) responds!

AITA for making my half brother my best man to piss off my other siblings then telling him he ruined my wedding? - posted 2022-11-11

Since my half-brother wanted to bring family issues to social media. Here we are.

My brother posted a few days ago about my wedding. Here's the whole story.

I (35M) asked my half-brother (27M) to be the best man at my wedding because I got into a disagreement with my other brothers over who gets to be my best man. I wanted them to be pissed that neither of them stood with me at all. Not even as groomsmen. AH move. I know.

The day of my wedding was great until he left. He gave quite the emotional best man speech. Brought me to tears if I'm being honest.

The family kept approaching him but he's always been shy. He said hi to some of them but he seemed out of his element. I kept trying to stay with him as much as I could. He, my wife, and his fiancée really hit it off. I was glad. When he excused himself to grab some champagne, I saw our mom approach him, and immediately got worried.

I'd already felt horrible about all the stuff he went through when we were younger, and didn't want him to know the real reason why he was the best man. Our mom kept talking to him, but I couldn't hear what she was saying.

He suddenly looked shocked, and asked me if he was only the best man to make our other siblings pissed. I said yes, I'm not the best liar. I kept apologizing and begging him to forgive me. All of this was away from the guests.

I never said he wasn't getting invited. Our mom did. His invite was one of the first to go out.

He didn't make a scene, but he did leave with his fiancée, everyone saw them leaving and kept questioning us why he left, including my wife. I told her the truth and she got very mad at our mom. The whole atmosphere was awkward from that point on.

I did text him after the wedding. I told him he could've just stayed and then we would've chatted later. But he said that he didn't want to talk to me and blocked me.

The real AH is mostly our mom.

Our sister sent me his post and told me to look at the comments, I was getting bashed left and right. I couldn't text him about it so I thought maybe he'll see this. Still think I'm the AH?

----

OOP returns:

WIBTA if I don't invite my siblings to my wedding after we reconnected? - posted 2023-03-01

Hey, you may know me from an older post on this subreddit about my brother's wedding, you'll find it if you click on my profile.

Let's get to the point. First of all my "brother's" post turned out to be a troll account, we chatted about three weeks ago, and he told me he doesn't even know what reddit is. So that's that.

So, I recommend reading my old post before this one. But here's an update/a WIBTA situation.

Once again, I had initially deleted the app forever, and so did my fiancée (now wife). But I trust this subreddit's judgement a lot. So here I am one more time.

So, I (28M) and my wife got married a month ago, just the two of us.

I have quite a bad family situation, I had gone NC with them ages ago, but I have three brothers and a sister.

They heard news of my marriage and reached out to congratulate me, and we reconnected after the whole ordeal at my brother's wedding. However, my wife and I are throwing a wedding party soon with all our friends and family. I invited my dad's side of the family but not my mom's. I just don't feel comfortable enough to have them at my wedding, we're just starting to reconnect.

But, I feel like I'd be an AH if I don't invite them (just my siblings). I feel like it'll ruin everything with our reconnection path, and we'll be back to point zero all over again.

My wife thinks it's fine, but I'm just anxious. So, WIBTA?

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/jbanelaw

Originally posted to r/talesfromtechsupport

"How Did You Get This Number??!!!" - "You Realize You Are 'On Call' Right?" - posted 2021-11-13

Despite almost doubling my rates for new clients (and that rate was not bargain basement either to begin with) the work keeps on coming in. I know this wave isn't going to last forever, so am taking full advantage of the shortage in the labor market while I can do so.

This means an average work week for me in around 70-80 hours, but again, I'm getting paid by the hour so I don't really care it is pretty much sleep, eat, work, repeat. I'm starting to feel like Scrooge McDuck and his money bin with the good times rolling. I just need to make sure to put enough away so when the bottom falls out of the this labor market and the leads dry up, I've got enough to go lean on for awhile.

Anyway, here is a quick one that I just experienced. Enjoy.

The Scene

"Hey IT Guy! When can you get to that new server we were talking about???" the manager screamed over at me while I was tending to a network issue across the cubicle farm.

"Yeah, it is going to be sometime here..." I say looking at him annoyed.

"Well, I need it up by the weekend if possible. Feel free to do any of the work at night if that helps."

"Actually it does....I might have some time this weekend...Who is my technical contact after hours"

"Great. We really need that up by Monday. If you have any hangups just ping the on-call tech. They are usually around on the weekends anyhow..."

Saturday Night

I remember when I used to have a social life and hated it when a job took me for weekend work. But, that seems like ancient history here approaching year two of a pandemic. Now a Saturday night is just like any other evening. This one though I was about four cups of coffee in and knew sleep was not in the cards. So over to my client's office I go to finally tackle that server I had been promising him.

Should be a 4-5 hour job to get it into production. Nothing special here. Just decommission the old one. Restore a backup. Optimize some stuff. And boom I should be done. Home by midnight. Client will be happy and I'll get a few more hours to bill this week.

First things first, I show up and go to the location where the server was supposed to be. It is just gone. I look around in all the usual places - nothing. Check the not so typical places where some of the in house guys will put stuff - nothing. Hmm....stumped but not wanting to go home, I remember there is an on call tech. I look through my email and see the announcement about who it is this weekend and give his number a call.

Rings through to voicemail. Sounds like a personal phone number, so I leave a message. Call back time says one hour or less in the protocol so I hunker down doing some odd tasks waiting for the return call.

An hour later I don't have a call, so I ring the number again. Once more through to voicemail. I leave another message asking if this is not the right person to please let me know, but I have a job that needs to be finished tonight so give me a call back ASAP.

"How Did You Get This Number!!!!!"

I went to the bathroom and left my cell phone on a desk. When I come back there are 5 missed calls. Thinking something is wrong I page through the call logs to see it is the same number 5 times in a row in about 7 minutes. Hmmm....so I give it a call back thinking it might be the on call tech.

Firs thing out the mouth of the guy who answers - "How Did You Get This Number!!!!!"

"Ummm....." taken aback.... "You called me five times in a row just now...."

"No I didn't....." "Put me on your do not call list!"

"Hey look you called me figured it might be a return call for XXXXX company, I'm a contractor doing some work tonight...."

"You just can't go calling people in the middle of the night because you want to work!"

"Ummm according to the office email you are the on-call tech...."

"I told my boss I don't do call anymore!"

"Well, tell that to the office admin who put down your name....."

The guy is clearly really annoyed and this is a new client. I don't want to get a bad reputation, so I just try to make nice, but he would have none of it.

"You contractors are all the same...." blah blah blah as he dumped on contractors for five minutes.

"Look guy I just need to know where the server might be. Someone moved it today and I would really like to just get it up tonight...."

"This isn't why we have an on call person on the weekends. It is for emergencies only and you wanting to work ungodly hours on a Saturday night is not my emergency!"

At this point in time, I just want an exit strategy.

"OK got it. I'll just let my contact know that we couldn't locate the machine and see what he wants to do on Monday..."

"Got that right bud. Don't call me again unless there is an actual emergency!" Click.

Emailing the Boss

As a consultant I know it is best to keep EVERYTHING in writing if at all possible So I start an email to my contact who is the site manager:

"Hey Manager Guy - I was at XXXXXX company just now to get that server deployed and the physical machine is missing. I contacted the on call tech (if you remember you told me to reach out to them with any problems) to see if they had any insight into its location. Unfortunately, the interaction I had with him was less than positive and I don't think I'll be able to locate the server to get it up by this weekend. Let's talk on Monday. Sincerely - IT Guy."

Figured that was about a diplomatic as I could put it even though I was mildly annoyed to have wasted at least 2-3 hours that night with the whole drama.

I didn't hear back for the rest of the weekend, but figured he might just be waiting until he saw me on Monday morning.

Monday Bloody Monday

Turns out the site manager didn't email me because he was livid at the on call tech. He and that guy had a history of duking it out over on call assignments and other office related politics. So, the manager was taking full advantage of this situation and set up the tech to be fired Monday morning.

Apparently it was "fireworks" galore, but unfortunately I got there about 15 minutes after a few tables got flipped and the police had to be called. And also apparently everyone hated this guy for a long time (I wouldn't know why.....). Word got out that the tech was sacked mostly because I "complained" about him. Now I have people coming up to me thanking me profusely for getting rid of the guy like I actually fired him.

It was an odd way to curry favor with a new client, but hey if it gets me more work I'll take it. Also the random people treating me like some sort of hero, seeking me out to say "Thank you IT Guy" is icing on the cake.

----

The Case of the Missing Server - posted 2021-11-18

You all thought I was going to leave you hanging there, didn't you? Don't worry The IT Guy would never do that to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

So, just to review, the guy who was supposed to be on call got fired Monday morning for failing, officially, performance issues, but unofficial, because he was a jerk too many times. I show up to a round of "high fives" because people think I advocated for getting the guy fired, when it was instead the site manager who had a beef with him. Doesn't really matter now. It looks like actually no one who currently works there actually likes the guy and it is like I just landed a big giant house on the big bad Witch of the East. Whatever, I'll take it.

But, that leaves me, your friendly IT services consultant, still with a job to do....

"When can you deploy that server," the Site Manager throws at me in the late afternoon.

"As soon as you can find it...."

"Yeah, no one seems to know where it might have gone. Can you check the (fancy hardware location application - going to be vague with this one for corporate reasons) logs and see if it has any history?"

"Ummm, sure wasn't aware you had that kind of visibility on the equipment. Where can I get access?"

"I emailed corporate security to have them create you a login and you should be able to find the machine profile by doing a search for the asset tag."

"OK...I've never used (or really even heard of this system) but I'm sure I can figure it out...."

"Yeah IT Guy I'm sure you can...."

Location, Location, Location

OK I've got to be a little vague here because what I will call an asset tracking system is FANCY and I don't want to even hint at anything that might touch a non-disclosure. I've never seen anything like it. Looks custom to a capital C and like someone high up at one point in time had some OCD about hardware, corporate espionage, or security, or something then threw a ton of money at a solution. Anyway, trust me. This thing is NICE.

So, just as the site manager said I get my login credentials, pop the asset tag into a query, and poof the whole profile is right there. Has a history of checking in on the internet and hey look there even GPS coordinates. This ought to be easy as long as the GPS is accurate...

"Hmmm....those coordinates aren't anywhere close to any of our offices...." I think to myself.

Looking at Google Maps, it sends me to a residential section of town about 30 minutes away.

"That can't be right, I can see the delivery confirmation here in the profile. This isn't on the back of some truck still out for delivery....." I continue thinking as I mull over the possibility.

The GPS location is solidly in a house, so I do a quick property tax record search to see who might be the owner of that address and poof it all makes sense.

"I'll be damned if this is right...."

The address comes back to one owner - Mr. I Got Fired This Morning.

Quickly I think my options are:

1. Call the Site Manager and tell him I think the server has been stolen
2. Call Corporate Security and make a report
3. Hey I have the guy's number from the weekend, I can just give him a call and see if he will give me the server.

Yeah I know I should have done option #1 or #2, but I'm feeling frisky for some reason. Figure might as well text him and give him a chance to give up the goods. Guy has already had a bad day, last thing he needs to do is catch a theft charge on top of it all. Maybe he had a legit reason why he took it home....

"Hey This is the IT Guy..."

So I start a text.

IT Guy: Hey, this is XXXXXX. You yelled at me this weekend when I called asking if you could help me locate a server. Security software is showing it at your house. If you have it for whatever reason just drop it back off at the office. All I want to do is get this thing in production tonight.

Jerk Guy: Fuck you. I don't have shit.

IT Guy: Fine by me. I'm going to report it to corporate security and the police.

Jerk Guy: Wait, wait.....I might have something but I didn't steal it. Had it to do some work and needed....(long, desperate explanation here)

IT Guy: Look, I don't care why you might have had it. I just need to have it and tonight. If it appears and everything looks good, I don't care how it shows up.

Jerk Guy: OK, so if I drop it off you are fine with this just going away.

IT Guy: Look I'm not going to lie if asked but in my mind all that people need to know is that the server has been properly installed.

Jerk Guy: I'll drop it off (location at side of building) after hours tonight.

(OK before you security guys jump all over me. The thing was going to get completely wiped anyhow and I made sure there was no tampering. This guy was not some kind of criminal mastermind looking to defraud the company. I think he just had an expensive piece of hardware and after getting axed probably was planning on keeping it.)

About two hours later.

Jerk Guy: Server is by the side door. I kept my part of the bargain, please keep yours.

Sweet Irony

In the end, the on call guy still found me the server and ended up personally delivering it. All that it cost him was his job (which was probably in doubt anyhow since he was a jerk). There was something wholly ironic (or maybe that isn't actually irony - Alanis Morissette anyone?) about him ultimately finding it for me. But, I digress....

Server was still in the box, sealed. I spent the next few hours getting it up and running. Emailed the site manager that night to tell him the job was done and was just going to leave it at that unless asked for further details.

The next morning:

"That was some quick work IT Guy, where was the server?"

"I found it by the side door."

"Huh....that is strange. Maybe one of the guys moved it thinking it was something else."

"Yeah....who knows. Anyway job is done. What is in store for the rest of the week?"

"Thanks IT Guy. I've got a few more projects for you to tackle over here...."

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/easytoremember199

Originally posted to r/marriage

My (27M) wife (28F) lied about a call from an ex, and now I'm questioning everything

Trigger Warnings: emotional infidelity

---

Original Post: October 10, 2026

My (27M) wife (28F) and I have been together for 8 years and married for 6. Our relationship has always been incredible. She moved to my country to be with me after initially coming here temporarily for school, and we've built a life together. We're aligned on pretty much everything, barely fight, have complete trust in each other, and have the exact same silly sense of humour. We're best friends, share everything, and naturally operate as a team. We have a puppy we adore and are excited about our future together.

I've been cheated on before, so I'm not exactly naive to the fact that things can come out of nowhere, but she's really never given me a reason to suspect anything.

A few months ago, we were watching TV on the couch after having smoked weed and eaten dinner, which is a pretty normal evening for us. Her phone lit up with an Instagram call. This immediately struck me as odd because she never uses Instagram to call anyone.

She grabbed her phone, turned it away from me, and spent around 30 seconds doing something on it while looking confused. I repeatedly asked what was going on, but she either didn't respond or said things like, "I don't know what's going on, this is weird."

I asked to see the screen, and she said to wait because she was trying to figure it out. Eventually, she put the phone down and told me it was a random spam call and that she'd blocked the person.

Her reaction was completely out of character. In eight years together, she'd never acted this way, and we'd never had issues with trust or hiding things from each other.

The next day, I brought it up again because it was bothering me. She apologized for how she'd handled it, saying it was just a random call, and she was confused, partly probably because she was high. I wasn't entirely convinced, but I let it go.

A month or two later, I asked her about it again. She said she didn't really know why she'd reacted that way and apologized for not letting me see her phone.

Today, we were working on some home renovation projects together, and I used her phone to set up Spotify. I noticed she had a Spotify conversation with a man I didn't recognize.

There were fewer than 20 messages spread over roughly a month and a half, starting a few months ago and ending about six weeks ago. They were sharing songs and there was one Spotify Jam request. Nothing was overly flirty or inappropriate.

She explained that he's a coworker. He lives in another country that she occasionally travels to for work, and he controls the music at their office. He's around our age, they get along, and he's a chill guy.

I wouldn't normally think twice about this. She has friends at work, and I'm not someone who expects her to disclose every conversation she has. What struck me as unusual was that she talks about several of her coworkers, but I'd barely heard about this guy.

Combined with the Instagram incident, though, it made me uneasy. So I brought up the Instagram call situation again.

After I pressed her about the Instagram call, she finally admitted that it had been an ex from her home country calling her. She said she panicked because she felt weird about him contacting her unexpectedly, so she lied about it being a random call.

She said she'd blocked him during that initial interaction. I explained that the lie itself was making it difficult to trust her explanation, and she said she understood and was sorry. Her explanation was that she didn't know why he was calling, panicked, and then felt compelled to maintain the lie.

I asked if I could see her Instagram blocked list. She refused, saying that we don't look through each other's phones and that she wouldn't do it on principle.

For context, we have never had a rule against using each other's phones for ordinary things, and we have shared finances and a very open relationship (as in open to sharing things with each other. I even have access to her email). We just haven't made a habit of going through each other's private conversations.

I pushed back, explaining that the situation was different now because she'd admitted to lying and that seeing the blocked list would help reassure me.

She eventually started saying she couldn't remember whether she'd kept him blocked or might have unblocked him later. We checked the blocked list together, and he wasn't there. She said she thought she must have unblocked him at some point.

I then asked if we could go through her phone together, with her present the entire time. She refused again, saying it was a matter of principle. (She's also very stubborn and her standing on principles when doing the opposite would be easier is not at all out of character).

I told her that if our positions were reversed, I believe she'd also want reassurance, and that I didn't understand why she'd refuse if there was nothing to hide. We couldn't get anywhere with that conversation, and that's where things stand.

I want to be clear that I don't have any other concrete evidence of infidelity. Our relationship is genuinely great. We spend lots of time together, share our lives, trust each other in practically every other respect, and have plans for our future. She's never given me a reason to suspect she's cheating.

There also isn't much unexplained time in her schedule, although she does occasionally travel internationally for work.

The things bothering me are:

\• Her initial reaction to the Instagram call was extremely unusual for her.

\• She deliberately turned her phone away and wouldn't let me see what was happening.

\• She lied about who was calling and maintained that lie over multiple conversations.

\• She said she'd blocked her ex, but he wasn't on her blocked list when we checked.

\• Now that she's admitted to lying, she's refusing to offer any further reassurance by letting me look through her phone.

\• The Spotify messages with the male coworker are innocent on their face, but the timing and the fact that I barely knew about him have made me question things I otherwise wouldn't have questioned.

At the same time, I recognize that refusing to let a partner inspect your phone doesn't automatically mean you're hiding something. I don't want to become controlling or turn a previously healthy relationship into one where we have to prove our innocence to each other.

So, am I being paranoid?

Is this a case of someone panicking over an unexpected call from an ex, making a stupid decision to lie, and then digging in because she feels her privacy is being challenged? Or is the combination of the initial secrecy, the changing explanation about blocking him, and the refusal to let me see anything reasonably concerning?

I'm struggling to figure out how much weight to put on the fact that she's never given me a reason to distrust her versus the fact that she has now demonstrably lied to me about something.

I'd appreciate honest perspectives, including if you think I'm handling this badly. I'm not looking for people to automatically tell me she's cheating or that I'm right. I want an outside perspective on what's reasonable here and how to move forward.

TL;DR: My wife and I have been together for 8 years and have an incredible relationship with no history of trust issues. A few months ago, she received an unexpected Instagram call, hid her phone from me, and claimed it was spam. She recently admitted it was an ex from her home country and that she'd panicked and lied. She initially said she'd blocked him, but he wasn't on her blocked list when we checked. She now refuses to let me see her phone, saying it's against her principles. I have no other evidence of cheating, but her behaviour is completely out of character. Am I being paranoid, or is my concern justified?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: She doesn't remember unblocking him? lol.

OOP: Yeah. Obvious bullshit. That was stupid and was what led me to pushing for the real truth

Commenter 2: Let her know if she doesn’t show you then trust is broken. Not to expect things to be the same. If she deletes she has to find a way to recover them

Commenter 3: “I want to be clear that I don't have any other concrete evidence of infidelity.”

Are you really so sure about that bro?

You caught her lying.

You caught her lying about a call on Instagram from an ex, something you said she never uses.

You caught her lying about blocking him.

She refused to show you her phone on the night of the incident.

She refuses to show you her phone now.

You may not have video footage of your wife with her ankles in the air for another man, but you definitely have concrete proof that your wife is a liar, is shady and hiding an ongoing conversation with an ex. Why on earth would she unblock him unless she was up to no good??

Your house is currently on fire whether you want to admit there is smoke or not.

Commenter 4: .... bad news bears..

She rather protect her secrets.. whatever they are.. then let you see who she is on that phone.

She knows something you won't like so if u know.. u can leave.. or why not show you so u feel better.. because if u look.. u definitely won't feel better. She knows that.

Where were her principals when she was lying.. several times.. seems principals only come up. To cover her ass!

"When I am weaker than you, I ask you for freedom because that is according to your principles; when I am stronger than you, I take away your freedom because that is according to my principles." There are perceptions where ur kindness, will only be ur downfall with them.. they plan on it.

Commenter 5: The problem is she’s still lying, and every time you catch her she lies again, and the lies keep getting worse. People only deceive like this to protect something, so whatever she’s protecting is big enough to lie to your face repeatedly.

“She’s never given me a reason to distrust her.” What are you smoking? She gave you like five. You’re hoping this is that rare case where someone is acting shady about an ex and it isn’t related to infidelity. Sorry, those cases are about as rare as Halley’s Comet, and this ain’t that.

I’d give her one last chance to fess up or I’d walk.

 

Update: October 11, 2026 (next day)

UPDATE: My (27M) wife (28F) lied about an Instagram call from her ex, and I found out what was really going on

Well, you guys convinced me that something was definitely up. And unfortunately, you were right.

My wife went to bed, but I still wasn't feeling okay about the whole situation. I went upstairs and told her I wanted to see her phone. I told her that the whole "principle" argument was bullshit at this point. She said she'd let me look if I could promise her that we'd be okay afterward. I told her I obviously couldn't promise that before knowing what I was going to find, and that I just wanted to look at the phone.

She stood her ground, so I stormed out and slammed the door, which is extremely out of character for me.

She came running downstairs after me and told me I could look through her phone. She later told me she'd been scared because she thought I was going to do something crazy. For the record, I wasn't going to hurt her or myself. I was just incredibly frustrated and upset.

I went through everything. Instagram DMs, deleted messages, deleted photos, hidden photos, etc. I found nothing.

I then asked her to pull up her ex's Instagram profile. She fumbled around trying to explain that she'd unblocked him at some point but hadn't followed him again. Sure enough, she pulled up his profile, and she wasn't following him.

I then followed the advice one of you gave me and tried to go down the Instagram "download your information" route, and that's when I found something interesting.

She had already downloaded her Instagram data two months ago, on the exact night she received the Instagram call.

Well, shit.

It all came out after that.

As it turns out, the Spotify messages weren't innocent background noise. And the whole situation had nothing to do with her ex.

It was the coworker.

She met him on her last work trip at the end of June. They got along well and started chatting frequently during the workday. Eventually, their conversations moved over to Instagram.

According to her, their Instagram messages were very flirty. Not sexual, but definitely flirty. She sent him a few selfies, and he sent her selfies as well, including shirtless pictures.

I also went through their entire Microsoft Teams chat history. They talk quite a bit, and there are occasional flirty exchanges, although nothing particularly egregious (makes sense, its teams after all). I'm still waiting for the Instagram data download to come through so I can understand the full extent of their conversations.

So, to be clear, I still haven't established that anything physical happened. The message timelines line up with her not having gotten close with him until a good bit after the work trip. I don't know whether there was more to their conversations than she's admitted, and I don't know how far things would have gone if I hadn't confronted her.

But at this point, the issue isn't just a single lie about an unexpected call from an ex. It's the repeated lying, the secrecy, and the fact that I had to push this hard to get anywhere close to the truth.

I came into this with eight years of a relationship that I genuinely thought was rock solid. I never imagined I'd be in this position with her.

I honestly don't know if I'm going to be able to move forward from this. Part of me wants to believe that this was a terrible lapse in judgment that never went beyond flirting. Another part of me is wondering what else I don't know.

For now, I'm trying to process everything and figure out what comes next. I'll update again when I have more information.

What are your thoughts?

Thank you to everyone who took the time to offer advice, challenge my perspective, and help me think through this. I wish you guys hadn't been right, but I'm glad I listened.

Editor’s note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing some for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: This is the kind of thing that doesn't need to be physical to be a complete betrayal. Eight years and she's downloading her own data to cover tracks before you even knew something was off. That takes planning.

The coworker thing always stings worse too because it's not some random. It's someone she sees regularly, built a rapport with, made a conscious choice every single day to keep it going. The flirty selfies and shirtless pics alone would be a dealbreaker for me, teams messages or not.

You're handling this with way more patience than most people would. Just remember you don't need a smoking gun to walk away, the trust is already shattered and she's the one who swung the hammer.

Commenter 2: Bro this!!!! She fucking lied and then went down the hole of downloading all her insta data. Nobody knows how to just do that, so I guarantee she looked up how to. That’s so fucked up

Commenter 3: Yeah, what does that even mean? She deleted it with the option to upload it at another time? Tell me like I’m five.

Commenter 2: Dude even I don’t really have a clue. From my understanding it’s almost like a file of data off insta that you can download to your phone or computer and then delete all the evidence off insta itself.

Bring up a question of why she even wants to keep any of that… I could be totally wrong as well so someone who is more knowledgeable please chime in

OOP: I can give you her stated reason - it was because she was scared I was going to find out, as I was onto her after the call. She found out you can recover deleted data and wanted to see how much it showed.

Commenter 4: She's still only giving you what you can find. If you want to try and salvage your marriage you need to tell her it's time to come clean about any and everything or else you're done immediately. Tell her that any omissions or more lies it's over and see what happens.

Either that or you've already found enough to realize she's not who you thought she was and call a lawyer.

OOP: I did, but you're right. How do I now know there isn't more being hidden that I wasn’t able to confirm?

Commenter 5: Lie, lies, lies and more lies... IF you stay with her, she needs to accept that this guy is NC forever .. and that means that unless she can get her employer to stop sending her on trips near him, she quits the job.

OOP: She's as remorseful as possible and it feels like the full truth finally came out. Now it's on me to decide what to do with the information - we'll see. It was her idea to go no contact and message him directly telling him it's done, but with the trust gone, how do I know she won't continue in a sneaker way?

She's committed to doing absolutely anything and everything possible to regain my trust. She called him a distraction - he was good lucking and she put it all up to enjoying the attention from him.

Commenter 6: Ask for a written timeline of the affair - ALL intimacy listed...

OP... There needs to be consequences for her if you want to avoid a reoccurrence...

She's agreed to quit the job if that's what it takes to ensure she'll never meet him??

She's agreed to open device policy forever???

OOP: No, she hasn't agreed to those things specifically, because I haven’t asked for that yet. I told her I need to think about it.

With the current job market and a mortgage to pay, I don't exactly want her to quit her job either.

I'll have to figure it out, but I understand the intent of your message. You're right.

Some of OOP's responses to a long thread about the text exchanges between OOP's wife and the co-worker

OOP: Not really, but all I've seen so far was on teams. I’m mentioned, but there's absolutely no venting, complaining, or anything close. In fact if anything, it's positive.

It's so hard to give all of the details of our conversations and our relationship dynamic through reddit, but yes. I believe there's a potential path forward where I could trust her again. It would take time + couples therapy, but I know she's 100% committed to gaining the trust back. The decision I have to make is whether this was already bad enough for me to seek divorce.

+

OOP: Yes to all of your first three questions. She's absolutely destroyed about this, while simultaneously understanding I’m not here to make her feel okay right now.

She suggested directly contacting the coworker, ending things, going no contact. We got into the 'why' and it was a bit long to add into my post, but essentially she said it was "nothing" (as in emotionally). That she thinks she just enjoyed the attention, but that she realizes it was insanely stupid and not at all worth it. (for what it’s worth, this guy is unfortunately VERY good looking, hahaha).

I'm currently waiting on the Instagram data to be sent over by Meta, so time will tell what I'm able to see. It's being sent directly to me without her having access beforehand, which she was completely fine with.

She's dealing with this the best way she can now, but the problem is all the lying it took to get to this point.

+

OOP: Semantics - I worded it that way, but to be clear, she meant it was "nothing" as in nothing emotionally. She acknowledges the hidden flirty photo-sending relationship they have is still extremely wrong. She was referring to messaging him and telling him they can't talk anymore.

+

OOP: Apparently calls never happened, and it was a pocket dial. She asked him the next day, and he confirmed it was an 'accident'. It happened at a time where it might have been around 3am for him though, so it was also potentially him drunk calling.

Because I’ll have access to the Instagram logs soon, I'll be able to confirm that. If that was a lie, this is 100% over. If it was not a lie, I’m back to "it's likely over but there's a chance it's not".

Nothing about the story changed after realizing I'd have all the data.

The message you suggested she send? She already committed to doing that (on her own accord, I hadn't asked for that yet).

He is single, however I'm also planning to message him and get his account of things.

+

OOP: He might not be truthful - I'm going to come at it nice and see what he says. We'll see. I'm looking to see if the stories match.

She was forthcoming about the fact that shirtless photos were sent by him, but again, she's been trickle-truthing so much, what’s to say worse photos and messages weren't sent.

+

OOP: Unfortunately no, I wasn't able to see the texts. Instagram data was downloaded but conversations with him are missing. I looked into it and it seems impossible she managed to do this herself - seems more a case of the messages all being deleted so quickly they never had a chance to be archived.

On the trickle truthing, there's one thing she trickle truthed post-full confrontation. She said the last message was 2 weeks ago, and then decided to tell me it was 3 days ago. At the time she believed the messages to be unrecoverable (which it seems they may be), but she 'decided, I guess' to tell me the truth. I don't know.

+

OOP: She said they were regular selfies - that some definitely had cleavage, but a regular amount based on what she would have been wearing that day.

What about the ex? Did OOP's wife lie about him? Has things gone too far with the wife's lying?

OOP: She didn't lie about an ex - the ex story was a cover-up about this guy. Also, I never said I believe that nothing would have ever happened had I not caught this. I explicitly said that's the part I struggle to believe.

You're right. Maybe things would have progressed further, and she just hasn't yet had a chance to show me just how much she is willing to disrespect me and disrespect our relationship. I'll have to figure out if the risk of that is something I'm willing to put up with or not.

Does the coworker really live aboard? Did things happen on the day of the trip?

OOP: He does really live abroad. I checked her teams, I checked his LinkedIn. It all lines up.

On your second point, I can't confirm that things didn't happen the day she met him, but I can confirm that they started messaging often after the trip, like she had said, and I noticed the messages were more innocent at first, leading me to believe this was a build-up.

Is OOP's wife leaving her job?

OOP: The one thing she doesn't agree with is leaving her job. I haven't pushed for that or made it an ultimatum though. She absolutely loves her job/company and is in a good place. Some detail I haven't shared yet - the guy is in IT and she is in Marketing. She doesn't really have a real reason to connect, they only met at the office, not even at a conference or work event where they would HAVE to be together. Of course though, I brought up the fact that she will still have to travel to where she lives. Her solution: she would reach out to her company and tell her she can't travel to that country anymore.

Her response to the "no easy fix" right now is that she 100% understands, and will stick through doing what she needs to do as long as it takes to rebuild my trust.

Commenter 7: Did she tell him she was in a relationship or was she pretending to be single?

OOP: He knew she was married.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP