TW medical trauma, lists of injury related medical terminology. All medical conditions are described clinically and not graphically or in detail.

Two car collision. My C5C6 vertebrae fractured and penetrated my spinal cord. I couldn’t move or feel anything. Smth heavy was on my chest. My body was seizing. They refused to do a scan. Gave me a neck collar. Sent me home.

I developed fatal complications. The fractured bones were shifting. Excruciating pain. Intracranial hypertension. CSF leak. Intrathecal hemorrhage and pressure. Seizures with me conscious or not. Pneumonia on the second day home. An UTI that lead to sepsis because of complete urinary retention. I felt like I was dying an infinite amount of times every hour.

Went back to the ER. They did a CT scan and immediately did emergency surgery. It didn’t really help with symptoms. Spent three weeks in ICU, one month in general ward, and one year in rehab. A C4 complete quadriplegic. I was 21.

I keep thinking that if they had taken me seriously the first time, maybe the spinal shock wouldn’t turn into spinal injury. Maybe the bones wouldn’t shift and further damage what little I had left. Maybe without complications i wouldn’t have my bladder removed, rely on TPN, and dream of death every other night. Maybe I would be walking.

one that has forever opened my eyes to what is really happening and that, with every nightmare that passes before my eyes and is lived through by me again and again, reminds me of what the food chain is and what the right of the fittest is, and that there are no other ideologies in the world besides top-down manipulations coming from above from the monopoly on violence and the power struggle, disguised as social ideas for moving the masses along trajectories determined by the course of history they write for you.

Whatever happens in my life, I feel that from any experience, ordeal, perturbation, observation I have made, and thought I have reflected upon, I draw conclusions focused on physical survival and overcoming any irrational impulses in favor of living as long as necessary, untouched by anything else in life, in order to invent something, to make some contribution that will help bring about a turning point in the struggle of my kind for its survival. I try to be emotionless, and in general I know no empathy or compassion except, strictly speaking, toward my own kind. All of humanity appears to me as mindless biological waste that, through its amorphousness, disorganization, and servility, sustains the apparatus of violence and war, when every tax dollar is effectively a greater crime than the act of violence itself, while trillions of tax dollars support few individual perpetrators of violence. Under these circumstances, guilt is evenly distributed across all of humanity, and my suffering is connected not only with the wars I have lived through, but also with those who ignored them and those who ignore the existence upon the planet Earth of the worst scum imaginable, and I think you all understand whom I am referring to.

Despite the fact that I have already changed many countries, social statuses, jobs, lifestyles, inhabited different skins and occupied different roles and capacities, nowhere do I feel protected from this plague, this scourge of civilization, this hydra whose resources the West feeds upon in exchange for criminal investments and trade with that despotia.

I have witnessed and personally endured, again and again, the worst absolute thing a human being can ever see - extremely senseless, monstrous, and the most perverted violence against children, women, elderly, families, captives, and all forms of life and all civilians in occupied territories in general. I have endured intensified, virulent and senseless indoctrination and reeducation attempts of myself and others in the spirit of being told that I would never be able to leave the zone of control of my tormentors, and that the people’s executioners would forever enjoy power over me and over those who found themselves in my position.

Nevertheless, day after day I continue not so much to look for ways to rebuild my life, forget myself, or take revenge, to live in another country as though on vacation, or to hide, but I look for ways to acquire qualifications that will allow me to influence the course of wars, current and future ones. I consider this the most rational way of dealing with the PTSD left to me by war as a fragment of truth about the actual state of things in the world that I’m being constantly and painfully reminded of.

And I want to see people who have understood this and are pursuing the same thing, and who have succeeded in advancing their qualifications despite psychological limitations in their ability to concentrate on studying scientific, strategic, and technological means of influencing the course of wars. (Which is who I’m writing this missive for).

I want to see this enemy of humankind disappear into history forever, to be remembered only from the literature so that future readers could later indulge their morbid curiosity, get themselves a thrill and a scare by recalling the outrageously disgusting and abysmally inhumane horror and filth represented by almost 100% of the population of these godless swamps that should never have existed in the history of humanity and civilization.

I will never be able to know or imagine anything worse than the faces of those I encountered. At times it seems to me that in this life there are absolutely no problems or challenges except these inhuman creatures, and that all other obstacles and barriers in life are kindergarten exercises, solvable at will and on a whim, unlike that brutal, insurmountable force that irreversibly and irreparably breaks and corrupts the lives of millions and leaves behind the bitterest and most corrosive memories of all, forever destroying the souls, thoughts, prospects and wishes of the entire generations to come.

I can feel and know how entire substrate of people I might once have related to have now been utterly gutted. It feels as though everyone on planet Earth you could have had anything in common with has been taken away from you, leaving only the military and veterans who have been through the same, but who are now approaching inevitable paralysis of actions, mental confusion, clouded consciousness and death.

After the birth of my second child I’m now in a really crappy place mentally. I keep on having flashbacks about the abuse I suffered as a child. It’s so bad and I really do want it to end but unfortunately I don’t think it ever will.

I’m so tired of being constantly thrown back into my past trauma when I’m trying my hardest to move ahead. I thought that I was healed well enough.

I’m in therapy but idk the realization that I might get better but it won’t ever fix what’s wrong with me permanently and I might have flashbacks for the rest of my life is so fucking depressing.

Hi everyone - can people please talk about what actually worked to heal their ptsd? Mine was a one off event in March this year and I am still stuck in fight or flight mode. I am not sure how long I can carry on with this level of disruption to everything in my life. Thank you so much

CW: SA

As a child (6-8yrs old), I made some claims that my father raped me and I drew pictures of it. We ended up going to court but after months of not seeing him I cried for him to come back. We dropped the claims because I said i was lying and my mom believed me and said she thought i saw it on the internet.

Now as an adult I dont remember anything except waking up without pants after sleeping next to him and it hurting to pee. I also remember the feeling of my old house's carpet pressing against my back and remembering that feeling makes me sick, I dont know why though. That carpet floor was in my childhood room and my parents room/closet.

Just to note, my father was a horrible man who prioritized drugs and alchohol over his own family. He abused my mom and maybe me and my sister and left us very often. When i was young my mom took me and my siblings out in the middle of the night to go find him because he had left again. When i was a teen he had a breakdown and went crazy and shattered our door and fought the cops. After that incident he went into a weird religous phase after being non religous for so long.

I dont get disgusted by touching myself, only when others touch me. Its not really getting disgusted just being repulsed. I tense up whenever my dad hugs me and same with my mom.

I'm not sure what to do now because I have so many signs of ptsd but i dont remember trauma. Any advice on what to do now?

TW: DV, death

I don’t really know where else to ask, and I don’t know if I’m a person who would technically qualify as someone with PTSD, but every time I look up the reasons/themes for my nightmares I keep being brought back to PTSD as a cause.

Without getting into too much detail I went through a string of rough relationships and finally got out around 7 years ago. I was young (17- 27) and have been in therapy since. I did experience the death of a parent during Covid shortly after ending my last abusive relationship and moving back in with my parents (death due to aggressive cancer) and because of the pandemic we opted out of hospice care and kept them at home. I saw a lot more of the “dying” and “palliative care” part than maybe most people see that I know that affected me deeply. My parent only lived about three months after I moved back in with them and most of it was caretaking, and I’m grateful that I had that time with them even though it was difficult.

I feel confident that most of that is behind me and I have dealt with everything as well as a person could. I feel stable, more confident and self assured now than I ever have in my life, but these nightmares keep coming up.

I used to have them more when I was in it, probably twice a week. Deeply disturbing, gory, themes of torture and physical suffering around me and not being able to do anything to stop it, just trapped in whatever house, mall, warehouse etc. It’s never happening to me just happening around me, and nobody else cares or seems phased by it and I can’t escape or get anyone to listen to me.

I’m not a fan of horror movies and absolutely hate (verging on becoming physically ill) gore and torture movies. I swear my nightmares include things I’ve never even fathomed or heard about in real life or movies and I’m scared there’s something wrong with me.

Compared to other peoples stories I don’t feel like I’m entitled to slap a PTSD diagnosis on myself. My therapist suggested it as a possibility once but I’ve never felt like my experience was severe enough to label it that way.

If anyone has any other insight or experience I would appreciate hearing it, TIA

TLDR; having terrifying nightmares after abusive relationship and parental death

I know full well I ain’t the only one in this community that struggles with an eating disorder. Some of it stems directly from trauma for me, like my first dose of an ED was after a significant sexual trauma as a child during lower grade school. I am extremely easily trigger by things of a sexual nature when I am involved in it, sex is often extremely difficult and ends due to it triggering flashbacks. My ED is often how I cope, i take that trigger and use it to restrict or like waking up from flashbacks nightmares or when in an episode I often would purge. It got it out in a physical way that i found brought me relief, one that wasnt self harm as i have kicked that habit thank the gods. If i was uncomfortable or having often nightmares and flashback I would engage in behaviors like restricting, purging, or occasionally binge/purge. I have worked a lot on my ED and Trauma responses, I am i no way recovered at the moment or healthy but with this last relapse I have avoided behaviors like purging. I rarely got the urge to though it’d occasionally mill about in my mind.

I don’t know if I can hold out with the holidays starting, the urge is there because this is such a difficult time of the year for me. Other traumas have been popping up and I love my uncle and our hang outs but he often brings up his son that sexually abused me. I have not shared that with him, it would devastate him, so i grit my teeth when he gets mentioned. Every time i get upset or depressed lately my brain screams at me to purge to regulate. I’m in a hold rn with my ED, but my brain wants me to fall more into my anorexia to have something that I can “rely on” and function. My brain wants the relief of purging. I want the torment to stop. I know that if I give in, i will fall all the way in with purging as if it was a kiss from Dr. Pamela Lillian Isley (Poison Ivy in Batman for non nerds). It gets bad, and quite fast as it becomes an addictive coping mechanism for me to handle life, dreams, memories, etc…I know I’m not the only one.

TW: DV mentioned!
Snap has been reminding me of when I ran for my life from my abusive ex and those photos also have me wanting to do a bunch of things, most very not good. I tried to avoid them when the pictures of me battered started popping up. I feel the fear, I feel the anxiety of barely making it out on time when he had acquired a gun and was coming back to kill me, as he had tried many ways and failed. I’m scared of people possibly approaching me just because I am so on edge from it. My cat has sent me into a panic with her paw too close swatting near my face. I keep seeing the blood i used to clean up off the walls and floors since I moved back to where I was in this situation. I eye the corner of one of the worst beatings/rapes he inflicted and I just can’t stop seeing it, even if most of the wall is hidden but my cat’s tower, he gave me her. I cant move ro another living place either, I cant afford the rent elsewhere as the place i am living at is a family own residence. I keep hearing his footsteps but there’s no one there. Every person who is just a smidge of his appearance, even hood up only build, sends me to panic. I got every toy in the book for self defense but if I wasnt quick enough on the draw he would easily overpower me.

The nightmares have become frequent again, its screwing with me tough and purging was how I know to knock those memories out enough to get through most of the day before it comes back. It creeps into my thoughts when I lay down to sleep or I wake in the morning but havent opened my eyes. It knocks out what i want to be thinking about and loops. I have broken some but its hard. I reduced my drinking since my partner is going sober and its made things a bit harder to do without a mid afternoon sip to calm the nerves and a nightcap to ease sleep anxiety. It was numbing me to have a drink or two i suppose, def could be a major player in why these behaviors are knocking on my door. I feel like I am binging when allowing myself to eat non “safe” amount and my brain goes “Oh hey, you could plan this and have the relief of both the food you want to deny yourself of and the physical release of it all.” It sounds so perfect, but I know that hell well.

Sometimes, on rare occasion, it feels like they are winning when i engage in my ED behaviors, like they stilll have power over me, but i havent been able to flip this feeling as its not commonly in my mind phrased and framed this way. My mind uses the ED to cope, its what it knows after 20 years of this shit, and sometimes it’s what keeps me alive from the partial relief it can provide. The delay or pushing it out so that right then it doesn’t destroy me, but shit builds up.

Most people love this time of year but me, I hate it because it just reminds me of being sexually abused especially as a child when some specific gnarly childhood sexual trauma on holidays which triggers all the other abuse I lived through. Anyone else have their ED flare around this time? How do you manage? If recovered from it, how do you get through? Any ideas on ways to cope that actually fucking work so I dont purge or dont SH either? (SH is next to never my go to now but still a risk to be conscious of for myself. And irrational mind can lead you to many things, especially if desperate for reprieve )

Idk if this is quite the right place for this post, i tried to get support in the ED subs over the behaviors coming to tempt me but not a single person commented on either of my posts. There was no reply to my post in the CPTSD. Feels really shitty, like i’m insignificant or not worth caring for, not worth another person’s time, don’t deserve help/support, but I tried, I needed support, I reached out in many pleases even! I still want support or to talk to someone who also understands, someone who gets it. It made me feel like I don’t matter and ”what does it matter if i do give into these behaviors I have avoided in this relapse. I know i shouldnt go to the internet for validation or expect anything of anyone, let alone a friendly voice but my circle is very small and i hesitate strongly bringing these things up with most of them. I do have a therapist, not an ED one, and she’s working to become trauma informed, and a psych who is lovely. They have groups i might look into going to since i work with a case management team but i don’t discuss my ED. I work on the underlying trauma that has partially fueled my ED for 20 years/

I wish I could cry, but i can’t even do that while alone. If you read this far, esp comment, even a “I hear you”, may the gods bless you. I’m a hot mess and tired of fronting like I am fine, coping well, and positively dealing with the other current medical issues well, and the trauma issue is hidden behind the black curtain . Hell, they convinced it aint any part ED in my social/fam. Thank you for letting me share. I just wish I was important, to someone else, to my own self sometimes, this has made me feel less important to personally care for. I always tell people “you are important and you need to be the most important person to you” but i feel like a hypocrite.

If i accidentally broke any rules please let me know and I will correct it, i know being upset isn’t an excuse but I may have overlooked something, only human. Appreciate it being nicely brought up and no issue with fixing it. Safe spaces and healthy ways about things is important.

am i alone in this? i think some of my past friends never even believed me in the first place and i just hate every fibere of my being cause everyone thinks im a liar, i feel like its my fault it happened. i have no remaining evidence from being raped. i cant prove the date and location, i have no way to find the name of my rapist and how i originally linked with him before he preyed on me and raped me as there was a location tracker on the app and i blocked and deleted everything while i was literally running away from him for my life.

the evidence of my vomit on the carpet and in the garbage can, and the sheets completely covered in my bodily fluids, are probably long gone. if anything is left, it may just be the DNA thats on the clothing i was wearing, but still, i have no other cues as to who he is besides remembering what he looked like vaguely and that he said he was a security guard and worked in the town next to mine (which was likely just a lie to lure me in before i was raped).

the circumstances are so hard to prove and it looks like im making it up because he threatened my life and then violently tortured me after i had already gotten into the room with him thats when he made it clear to me he wasnt going to let me leave and i had to do everything he wanted and tolerate any torture he inflicted on me. he has so much plausible deniability.

who would believe me anyway? my behaviors make me incredible as a victim because of my bipolar disorder and also because the courts are biased against trans people. i did have injury, i had terrible pain, i was bleeding for an entire week, but theres no evidence left. i was so terrified of my homophobic community finding out. i waited months before i got an std test thinking i might get a disease or hiv because i was so scared of my homophobic family and not being believed. i didnt go to the hospital to get checked out that night cause i thought theyd laugh at me and not look at the bleeding.

who would believe me now? why would they anyway? its been years. hes already fully ruined my life and credibility, i have nothing left anymore, because of him im a washed up agorophobic recovoerying addict with no remaining friends or occupation. my life is over. i have no excuse to exist anymore. nobody will believe im a survivor, theyll just say im lazy making it up and a failure and i wasnt raped im just pathetic and dont want to work. so why shouldnt i just kill myself? ill never have justice, he will walk the streets completely okay and i will continue to live everyday in hell while he is happily continuing to ruin lives, and ill never have payback. he won

I went through a traumatic spinal surgery that was unfortunately only half completed because my surgeon underestimated the amount of bone that needed to be removed. I can’t live my life with a half fixed spine, so I am returning to the operating table in the spring to have the other half fixed.

I was very delirious after surgery and had to be pinned down by nurses after trying to get out of bed. In my semi conscious haze I thought I was being restrained and attacked. Once I properly woke up, I was under medicated for postoperative pain for two days but was made by the physical therapist to get up from bed anyways. I remember screaming and crying from the pain of rolling onto my side, sitting up, and eventually standing (nearly passing out from the pain a couple times).

I felt so violated whenever the nurses had to help me use the restroom and wipe my genitals. I was not allowed more than 2-3 hours of sleep at a time because of vitals checks and IV changes. Overall, what was supposed to be an overnight stay in the hospital after surgery turned into 6 days of hell due to unmanaged pain and difficulty making progress with PT.

Needless to say, I’m traumatized and terrified shitless to undergo the same kind of surgery again. I spent several months afterwards drinking and abusing narcotics until I couldn’t feel my emotions every night. 2 months ago I quit drinking cold turkey to start EMDR, but still use narcotics a couple times a week to be able to sleep. While my back pain has improved by leaps and bounds, I am still in considerable pain every day at work when I sit for too long.

I have a tough time sleeping anywhere except my couch because my bed brings me back to the hospital bed, and even with clonidine, I can only manage 6 hours a night. I dissociate a lot and have emotional flashbacks from my hospital stay at night. I feel utterly hopeless and broken, and I am tempted to end my suffering right before my time for surgery comes.

I’m in EMDR to help process these traumatic memories, but I still look forward to the day I make myself disappear. My life is generally very good otherwise and I don’t want it to end like this, but the idea of death and nothingness forever is so alluring and tempting to me. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way and how to be my old self again. I should be over the first surgery by now.

I want to start with I’m not sure if this is SA and i’m too nervous to ask a real person so I thought I would post here and maybe get some answers. Sorry if this isn’t explained well i just want answers and I’m tired of wondering if this is really SA or if I’m being dramatic. I know other women have had it so much worse than me so I don’t want to say something that isn’t true. But feedback would be greatly appreciated and I can provide more details if necessary.

Okay, i was texting this guy for months I was 23 at the time and he was in his mid to late 40s. i am a female and he was much bigger than I am. He was a business man and he has nice cars and A nice house and he invited me over many times but I was hesitant because I had never met him before but over text i would text him in a freaky manner because he would text me in a freaky manner and at the time i was low on money and didn’t have a job so I was desperate. He would send me money for food and gas which totaled to about 1,000 dollars or so. he said he could help me find a job in the city so I finally went over to his house. He was intimidating and I could tell he wanted to do spicy things with me. we started conversating when I got to his house but he hardly let me get a word in and at first it was all business talk. I complimented him and told him he looks good and he proceeded to show me around his house and then we went into his bathroom and he was showing me his tub it was a deep tub and he told me to look over in it and see how deep it was. When i looked over he got behind me and was showing me the tub from behind me like his stomach was on my back he was so close. I was a little nervous and shocked but I didn’t say anything. After he showed me the tub he asked if he could kiss me and I said yes so we kissed then he asked me if I wanted to do spicy things with him and I said idk it’s been awhile for me idk if we should tonight. he told me we’ll go at your pace and I said okay. I never gave a firm no but if it were up to me we wouldn’t have had spicy times that night or at least not at that very moment because I didn’t know him very well and we were in his house so i felt like if I said no he would be forceful possibly and I was already nervous and intimidated. We started having spicy activities and I stayed there for hours after but the whole time we had spicy activities I was uncomfortable and it wasn’t until after that I felt more comfortable with him. I even kept texting him for weeks after this. When i brought it up to him and I told him how when he asked me to have spicy activities with him that I said idk if we should he said I was making untrue allegations and proceeded to ghost me and we haven’t talked since. His reaction to this made me feel like what i was feeling was true I felt he really did S A me after seeing his reaction. I can’t stop thinking about it and it makes me upset to think about it. It’s been months now and I can’t seem to let it go. Is this considered s A even though I went to his house and I put myself in that situation?

35m, I'm still struggling because of the abuse that was done to me. It's kind of hard to explain and I'm still going over it but my abuser would try to make me out to be the stereotypical male abuser or whatever. They would also try to place stereotypes on me or just say things about me. I know in my heart that is not true but I still feel ashamed because of it. I really don't have to feel the shame.

Hey new here. 27 female. I had to go see a psychiatrist due to some life events happening and she mentioned I have several ptsd symptoms when it comes to my stress response. I was also 1 question short of being diagnosed with ADHD. I am married,and have 2 young kids. I am also adopted if that adds anything to this. Anyway I get overwhelmed when I am with my kids at home/in the car. They could be just playing and being loud like little kids. And im trying to cook dinner/do laundry and I just want them to stop being loud. I feel panicky and have this weird feeling and then I end up yelling at them. I feel like shit afterwards and hate that I am like this.

I need help with maybe coping skills? I just want this to stop

Does anyone else experience dissociation and brain fog? I seem to experience it when I'm really stressed, and then I become aware I'm experiencing it which makes me more stressed. It feels like an endless loop that I don't know how to escape. Has anyone found something that works for them? Coloring helps me a bit, but it sometimes feels like a distraction and not like it's actually helping.

Just feeling out of fight, idk my ptsd has gotten better over the years or at least feels less visceral. But the support from my family has vanished, most if the dont speak to me partly because im suicidal partly because im non binary and theyre not accepting of that. I just cant seem to make and keep friends, when I tell them about my past and how I got ptsd they just....dont care. I do my best to show up for others, go out of my way for them as much as I can, bend over backward, and idk no one ends up sticking around. Im sure im the problem but everyone is so "nonconfrontational" that they won't tell me if there's something ive done wrong. Im just, so fucking empty, so numb, meds won't fix it 10+ years of therapy won't fix it. I think about death everyday, because im do tired and burnt out it feels like the only rest that could fix it is death. No solid plan to unalive myself, but I know it would just take one more bad day to push me to jump off a bridge. I keep reaching out to me parents asking for help, telling them im feeling suicidal and they just dont really seem to care. I cant afford a hospital and im taking 17 credits at my college so I dont have time to ask for help anyways. Idk, ive done what I can, asked for help, and im just not doing okay and at the 10 year mark of my best friends suicide, it doesnt get better. Or if it does, it just very quickly gets worse. Idk what I want to hear, what help I want, just needed to get this off my chest. I really want to want to die, but I know my family wouldnt check on me until I rotted through the floor boards and I dont want to leave them with that image.

The most memorable instances are my father hitting my mother with a truck and i don’t remember many details and my mother holding a gun to her head. I hadnt had many symptoms when it happened other than constantly asking my mom if i had made her mad. But i held alot of anger in that nearly a decade later i am dealing with. What do i do? I dont want them to feel blame for this as they have changed but i need help.

most years, but these past few years have been particularly rough, i get so anxious and depressed around the anniversary of my trauma. i can tell you exactly how i feel, and exactly why i feel it, since i know the anniversary is coming and that is a common issue people with PTSD have, but i can’t wrap my head around it. logically i have nothing to be worried about. it happened in the past, it can’t hurt me now. even though i know that, i still have such strong feelings of impending doom, and it just feels like a countdown to the end of the world. i don’t understand the mind and body disconnect

Hi all, does anyone have experience with nutrition-related research/programs related to TBIs and/or PTSD, especially with military/veteran communities? I'm a dietitian and just attended a summit about nutrition work with the military- it would be great to become involved in areas around TBIs/PTSD. 

For me it can be visual in my mind or a type of feeling or sometimes headaches and stuff ig.

Is there like other types of flashbacks and im not aware of.

last night i went out and purposely tried pacing myself slow to enjoy the night. I randomly ended up blacking out the last three hours of the night. Just tipsy to blackout drunk like a switch when I had purposely gotten light poured drinks and was watching how many i drank. i remember setting down my last conscious cup down and thinking to myself it’ll be my last and boom waking up in my bed. my friends got me home safe and said I was fine until we got to the next club. i started acting wasted, aggressive, vomiting multiple times, not being able to walk by myself, making a scene in public and drinking dom from the bottle which I never do. I’m the mom type friend, i always designate drive or limit myself to 4-5 drinks. I hate causing scenes in public and know my liquor well so I feel so fucking stupid getting roofied when I constantly talk about safety on night outs. I can handle my liquor and Im a bartender so I know how clubs work. i wasn’t alone and i wasn’t assaulted, which i guess i should be grateful for since im a virgin but my friends still haven’t given me a detailed play by play of the night so Im just left in my brain wondering was I left alone, what did I say, what did I do, etc,. i’m so tired of knowing sexual harassment more than genuine connection and love. Doctor said it’s difficult to know exactly what was used and all the tests we ordered might come back inconclusive but she is absolutely sure I was roofied. she was so sweet to me when she said it. it made me feel better. one of my friends said I acted mean towards her and threw up in her car, she’s not talking to me right now and doesn’t know I just found out I was roofied. I feel so bad I dont know what to do and the hospital said I could connect with police so I can try to find out who roofied me. But i went back and forth between two different clubs last night and it just feels so.. hopeless. Part of me wants to burrow in a hole and let this pass and part of me wants to go to the police station tomorrow. I feel such a mixture of embarrassment, anger, sadness, anxiety and paranoia. I’m cuddling with my cat now eating taco bell that I haven’t touched yet, wishing I could call my mom but I’m no contact with her because she married a convinced 🍇. halloweens soon and I was so excited for it.. i was making my costume by hand. I’m only 22 and sometimes I just feel so exhausted beyond words. I just want to be young and free and happy but instead every single day feels like a humiliation ritual with a disappointed audience

I’ve been in EMDR therapy for quite a few months now and have had weekly therapy now for about 3 years. I feel so numb and apathetic all the time, i feel disconnected from myself, i hate myself, I’m avoidant, I isolate, I’m depressed. I have wanted to let myself cry so many times but my body just feels like a rock, i constantly hold my breath, tense my shoulders and wait for the inevitable bus down the road to come. I’ve had one good cry a few sessions into EMDR but always feel vulnerable and off guard crying in front of my therapist. If anyone has any reliable tips to speed up water works i would greatly appreciate it. Thanks for coming to my tedtalk.

its 4:20 AM rn i woke up literally crying because of the loud moaning noise outside my room. mind you, im already 20 and this still bothers me. my mom and her boyfriend always does this knowing me and my brother could hear them. this has been going on since i was probably like 12 years old.

it started when my mom and her first boyfriend back at our old apartment and back at our old apartment we could her them have sex like a loud speaker (my younger brother and i sleeps in the same room). my mom is fully aware that we can hear her though because there’s no damn way she isn’t aware when she would always shout from the other room to call us in.

and what’s traumatizing about this was her and her boyfriend also used to fight a lot. they would fight so loud, and i would often hear glasses shattering, shouting, etc. and my mom? she’s always pouring out her anger to us by being mad, annoyed, and shouting at us. after a year or so (during pandemic) my brother moved in to my grandma’s house (and even if we didn’t talk about it, i knew he just wanted to get away from the subtle abuse my mom was doing to us). mind you, the rest of the family doesn’t know that she has a boyfriend and she’s making us LIE to everyone. because she knows that my grandma would absolutely flame her, knowing she gets all crazy when she has a boyfriend.

so i endeared alone the loud disgusting sex noises. and thinking about it alone makes my skin crawl and my chest twist. idk if this is considered sexual abuse, but it affected me in ways that are deep and concerning. idk how to explain it but ever since i would hear it, i felt like i just wanted stab my ears to death to stop hearing it. it seriously triggers some suicidal thoughts as well. and knowing that she’ll act like shit the other day to me is just worse. because of these i definitely developed some issues regarding sex and how i approach it. (im also questioning the fact if im neurodivergent because i read similar stories but i feel like this has been affecting me 10x stronger)

i felt like i was raped without even being in the scene.

it continued throughout the present. im 20 years old now as i mentioned and me and my mom and brother moved into our new house. mom broke up with her first boyfriend and i got rest for a few weeks. then she has a new boyfriend—and i caught them being all lovey dovey in the morning one day. which… of course triggered some trauma. then the sex noises at night continued, and it was the same effect that it affected my sleep and wake cycle. i would lose sleep on endless days just thinking about how much i hate and despise my mom, how disgusted i was by her which was obviously getting excessive.

the worst part was i would wake up in the middle of the night just to hear them having sex. then i would wake up again in the morning like a fucking alarm clock to them having sex. it’s exhausting and traumatizing, and i feel like i would explode from rage and disgust everytime.

because of this i have a hard time responding verbally to her boyfriend. her boyfriend is nice now but still—i find myself in a position where i am unable to accept him. i’ll never accept him. not ever, deep down. and not because i hate him but because he’s deeply intertwined with my mother and that makes me uncomfortable and disgusted. affection makes me uncomfortable.

and regarding my mom, i developed a deep disgust for her touch. it started when i was younger, everytime she would kiss me or touch me i would feel so disgusted that i would physically revolt and pull away. she probably thinks im overreacting but my stomach genuinely revolts. so, i just never truly touch her even holding hands. it feels like i’m touching a virus or something.

and to help with this info—i feel very much heard and resonated with this character named helaena targaryen from house of the dragon. though of course that’s different, i watched it a year ago and i felt so seen with her relationship with her mother and how she pulls away from her touch. i haven’t talked to my therapist about this yet because im not open to confronting my own feelings because it’s embarrassing for me and my mother.

sorry i rambled too much. but its so early in the morning and my brains getting all hyper active again but yea i just needed to get this off my chest.

No matter how much drugs you take cam help it only reduces it. Example with my slep meds they help but im still walking up frequently and shit but it is better than nothing.

Same with my adhd meds they help with anxiety and stuff but they will never be a hundred percent (also includs my ADHD)

Idk about dbt like it helps ig but idk i havent seen improvements others have but i havent. When i do turn 18 i am going to be in trauma type therapy see horw that gose.

Im not saying that they dont help im just saying mainly medication isnt a hundred percent

20f, I have ptsd from sexual abuse from a teacher as a young child. And maybe that’s the cause of all this but idk.

I keep seeking sex, at clubs at parties. I’m attractive I know I can easily find someone who wants to sleep with me. But idk I don’t want to? I feel so ill in the morning and disgusted with myself but I don’t stop doing it. I want to stop doing it. The more I do it the more I hate it. I want to find real love but how can anyone take me serious.

Three weeks ago I was raped. I was hooking up with a guy pretty regularly and even though the relationship was becoming stressful (he had severe drinking problems) and I didn’t find him attractive and the sex wasn’t even good or satisfying I couldn’t stop seeing him. Well we got drunk together one night and I threw up in his bathroom. Like really really drunk. We had sex afterwards which was fine whatever. But later that night I woke up to him inserting himself into me. And I told him no twice and I moved away and I cried but I didn’t fight him. Just kept crying and after a bit he stopped. And that was it. We never talked about it or mentioned it again. And I still saw him for another week after that. I don’t know why. I didn’t really even get very upset.

Last night I was out clubbing. And took a guy home. I didn’t find him attractive at all and was kind of a bitch to him to be honest. I was kind of rude and cold and mean. I was drunk I guess, but I feel bad. We hooked up and when he finished I started sobbing like hysterically sobbing. I couldn’t stop. He didn’t touch me he didn’t ask about it but I was absolutely howling. I cried until I went to sleep. We hooked up again in the morning. Which I initiated again but mid way through I was so disgusted with myself I stopped him. I hardly said a word to him I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. And he left.

Sometimes I have flashbacks during sex but those are different from this. And they don’t happen very often.

These kinds of things keep happening to me. I keep putting myself in these dangerous situations. But they happen even when I’m careful. When I’ve known the guy well, and seen him regularly. Serious boyfriends too,
Not rape, but violence and coercion, emotional abuse cheating.

I’m so tired of it. I like men I want to keep being a kind person and I want to stop this behaviour but I don’t know how.

I recently had a psych evaluation done; I was diagnosed with a variety of things I knew I already had or was previously diagnosed with, but C-ptsd was one that somewhat surprised me. I thought my PTSD symptoms from SA subsided, but I’ve come to realize that the c-ptsd comes from being abused by my father throughout my adolescence. I’ve always been on edge/have difficulty relaxing, incredibly jumpy to loud sounds or being around people who yell. I never once connected it to childhood abuse from 20 years ago until now. My father terrified me to the point where I’d run out of the house to hide in the trunk of a car or in the bushes… always yelled at me if I asked for help or simply yelled at me for existing.

I never can find peace even in my own apartment unless it’s late at night when my neighbors are asleep. All throughout the day they’re dropping heavy items on the floor above me or stomping and it keeps me on high alert. Really any sudden sound spikes my cortisol. How do you all cope? How do you find peace in your home?

I was out with a friend last night. Some guy on the street made a comment about my breasts as I was walking by and then doubled down on it when I tried to laugh it off. I’m in recovery for sexual assault and rape and have been for about two years. I’ve just been feeling really unsafe in my own body today and I’m disappointed because I’ve been doing so well lately. I’m disappointed by the way I responded too. I wish I had told him to fuck off.