Does anyone else experience dissociation and brain fog? I seem to experience it when I'm really stressed, and then I become aware I'm experiencing it which makes me more stressed. It feels like an endless loop that I don't know how to escape. Has anyone found something that works for them? Coloring helps me a bit, but it sometimes feels like a distraction and not like it's actually helping.

am i alone in this? i think some of my past friends never even believed me in the first place and i just hate every fibere of my being cause everyone thinks im a liar, i feel like its my fault it happened. i have no remaining evidence from being raped. i cant prove the date and location, i have no way to find the name of my rapist and how i originally linked with him before he preyed on me and raped me as there was a location tracker on the app and i blocked and deleted everything while i was literally running away from him for my life.

the evidence of my vomit on the carpet and in the garbage can, and the sheets completely covered in my bodily fluids, are probably long gone. if anything is left, it may just be the DNA thats on the clothing i was wearing, but still, i have no other cues as to who he is besides remembering what he looked like vaguely and that he said he was a security guard and worked in the town next to mine (which was likely just a lie to lure me in before i was raped).

the circumstances are so hard to prove and it looks like im making it up because he threatened my life and then violently tortured me after i had already gotten into the room with him thats when he made it clear to me he wasnt going to let me leave and i had to do everything he wanted and tolerate any torture he inflicted on me. he has so much plausible deniability.

who would believe me anyway? my behaviors make me incredible as a victim because of my bipolar disorder and also because the courts are biased against trans people. i did have injury, i had terrible pain, i was bleeding for an entire week, but theres no evidence left. i was so terrified of my homophobic community finding out. i waited months before i got an std test thinking i might get a disease or hiv because i was so scared of my homophobic family and not being believed. i didnt go to the hospital to get checked out that night cause i thought theyd laugh at me and not look at the bleeding.

who would believe me now? why would they anyway? its been years. hes already fully ruined my life and credibility, i have nothing left anymore, because of him im a washed up agorophobic recovoerying addict with no remaining friends or occupation. my life is over. i have no excuse to exist anymore. nobody will believe im a survivor, theyll just say im lazy making it up and a failure and i wasnt raped im just pathetic and dont want to work. so why shouldnt i just kill myself? ill never have justice, he will walk the streets completely okay and i will continue to live everyday in hell while he is happily continuing to ruin lives, and ill never have payback. he won

For me it can be visual in my mind or a type of feeling or sometimes headaches and stuff ig.

Is there like other types of flashbacks and im not aware of.

last night i went out and purposely tried pacing myself slow to enjoy the night. I randomly ended up blacking out the last three hours of the night. Just tipsy to blackout drunk like a switch when I had purposely gotten light poured drinks and was watching how many i drank. i remember setting down my last conscious cup down and thinking to myself it’ll be my last and boom waking up in my bed. my friends got me home safe and said I was fine until we got to the next club. i started acting wasted, aggressive, vomiting multiple times, not being able to walk by myself, making a scene in public and drinking dom from the bottle which I never do. I’m the mom type friend, i always designate drive or limit myself to 4-5 drinks. I hate causing scenes in public and know my liquor well so I feel so fucking stupid getting roofied when I constantly talk about safety on night outs. I can handle my liquor and Im a bartender so I know how clubs work. i wasn’t alone and i wasn’t assaulted, which i guess i should be grateful for since im a virgin but my friends still haven’t given me a detailed play by play of the night so Im just left in my brain wondering was I left alone, what did I say, what did I do, etc,. i’m so tired of knowing sexual harassment more than genuine connection and love. Doctor said it’s difficult to know exactly what was used and all the tests we ordered might come back inconclusive but she is absolutely sure I was roofied. she was so sweet to me when she said it. it made me feel better. one of my friends said I acted mean towards her and threw up in her car, she’s not talking to me right now and doesn’t know I just found out I was roofied. I feel so bad I dont know what to do and the hospital said I could connect with police so I can try to find out who roofied me. But i went back and forth between two different clubs last night and it just feels so.. hopeless. Part of me wants to burrow in a hole and let this pass and part of me wants to go to the police station tomorrow. I feel such a mixture of embarrassment, anger, sadness, anxiety and paranoia. I’m cuddling with my cat now eating taco bell that I haven’t touched yet, wishing I could call my mom but I’m no contact with her because she married a convinced 🍇. halloweens soon and I was so excited for it.. i was making my costume by hand. I’m only 22 and sometimes I just feel so exhausted beyond words. I just want to be young and free and happy but instead every single day feels like a humiliation ritual with a disappointed audience

I’ve been in EMDR therapy for quite a few months now and have had weekly therapy now for about 3 years. I feel so numb and apathetic all the time, i feel disconnected from myself, i hate myself, I’m avoidant, I isolate, I’m depressed. I have wanted to let myself cry so many times but my body just feels like a rock, i constantly hold my breath, tense my shoulders and wait for the inevitable bus down the road to come. I’ve had one good cry a few sessions into EMDR but always feel vulnerable and off guard crying in front of my therapist. If anyone has any reliable tips to speed up water works i would greatly appreciate it. Thanks for coming to my tedtalk.

Hi everyone, 23M here. I was violently abused as a child by my father. It hurts still today. I frequently was pee the bed from bad dreams and its emberassing. Does anyone else have that lingering effect?

No matter how much drugs you take cam help it only reduces it. Example with my slep meds they help but im still walking up frequently and shit but it is better than nothing.

Same with my adhd meds they help with anxiety and stuff but they will never be a hundred percent (also includs my ADHD)

Idk about dbt like it helps ig but idk i havent seen improvements others have but i havent. When i do turn 18 i am going to be in trauma type therapy see horw that gose.

Im not saying that they dont help im just saying mainly medication isnt a hundred percent

20f, I have ptsd from sexual abuse from a teacher as a young child. And maybe that’s the cause of all this but idk.

I keep seeking sex, at clubs at parties. I’m attractive I know I can easily find someone who wants to sleep with me. But idk I don’t want to? I feel so ill in the morning and disgusted with myself but I don’t stop doing it. I want to stop doing it. The more I do it the more I hate it. I want to find real love but how can anyone take me serious.

Three weeks ago I was raped. I was hooking up with a guy pretty regularly and even though the relationship was becoming stressful (he had severe drinking problems) and I didn’t find him attractive and the sex wasn’t even good or satisfying I couldn’t stop seeing him. Well we got drunk together one night and I threw up in his bathroom. Like really really drunk. We had sex afterwards which was fine whatever. But later that night I woke up to him inserting himself into me. And I told him no twice and I moved away and I cried but I didn’t fight him. Just kept crying and after a bit he stopped. And that was it. We never talked about it or mentioned it again. And I still saw him for another week after that. I don’t know why. I didn’t really even get very upset.

Last night I was out clubbing. And took a guy home. I didn’t find him attractive at all and was kind of a bitch to him to be honest. I was kind of rude and cold and mean. I was drunk I guess, but I feel bad. We hooked up and when he finished I started sobbing like hysterically sobbing. I couldn’t stop. He didn’t touch me he didn’t ask about it but I was absolutely howling. I cried until I went to sleep. We hooked up again in the morning. Which I initiated again but mid way through I was so disgusted with myself I stopped him. I hardly said a word to him I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. And he left.

Sometimes I have flashbacks during sex but those are different from this. And they don’t happen very often.

These kinds of things keep happening to me. I keep putting myself in these dangerous situations. But they happen even when I’m careful. When I’ve known the guy well, and seen him regularly. Serious boyfriends too,
Not rape, but violence and coercion, emotional abuse cheating.

I’m so tired of it. I like men I want to keep being a kind person and I want to stop this behaviour but I don’t know how.

I recently had a psych evaluation done; I was diagnosed with a variety of things I knew I already had or was previously diagnosed with, but C-ptsd was one that somewhat surprised me. I thought my PTSD symptoms from SA subsided, but I’ve come to realize that the c-ptsd comes from being abused by my father throughout my adolescence. I’ve always been on edge/have difficulty relaxing, incredibly jumpy to loud sounds or being around people who yell. I never once connected it to childhood abuse from 20 years ago until now. My father terrified me to the point where I’d run out of the house to hide in the trunk of a car or in the bushes… always yelled at me if I asked for help or simply yelled at me for existing.

I never can find peace even in my own apartment unless it’s late at night when my neighbors are asleep. All throughout the day they’re dropping heavy items on the floor above me or stomping and it keeps me on high alert. Really any sudden sound spikes my cortisol. How do you all cope? How do you find peace in your home?

I was out with a friend last night. Some guy on the street made a comment about my breasts as I was walking by and then doubled down on it when I tried to laugh it off. I’m in recovery for sexual assault and rape and have been for about two years. I’ve just been feeling really unsafe in my own body today and I’m disappointed because I’ve been doing so well lately. I’m disappointed by the way I responded too. I wish I had told him to fuck off.

I was threatened with violence in my own home yesterday by my roommate's father (who was staying here for a week). I called the police and he left yesterday. Since then, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I keep replaying what happened, and I'm constantly listening for signs that the person might return. How have you guys dealt with feeling unsafe in your own homes after a frightening experience? Any advice?

Hi everyone! I am a graduate student studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and I am looking for a volunteer willing to discuss their experience recovering from a traumatic event for a Crisis and Trauma Counseling class assignment.

The interview would cover the general nature of the experience, its impact on daily functioning over time, the recovery process, current triggers or coping strategies, and advice for future counselors supporting trauma survivors.

You do not need to share graphic details or anything you are uncomfortable discussing. I am happy to respect your boundaries and let you skip any questions.

If you would be interested in participating, please comment or message me. Thank you!

last weekend I was out with some friends and when I got back from the restroom a guy had ordered me a cocktail and I genuinely know it was stupid but he’s a guy I go to college with and a good friend of my friends and I didn’t want to make it awkward so I drank it. my memory is completely blank from about ten minutes after that until I woke up the next morning anyway nothing bad happened apparently I started throwing up and acting really drunk so two of my friends took me home and that guy came with but they all left together and they said he stayed out of my room while they got me changed. I know nothing happened but waking up in different clothes without remembering has really messed me up and I think it kind of triggered me or something but I don’t know do you think something bad happened to me that I don't remember? when I was a kid after | learned what virginity was I remember wishing | still had mine and hating myself because I somehow felt sure that | wasn't a virgin even though I don't have any memory of ever having sex. I don't know where that feeling came from I just know it was there and on my mind a lot. I started making myself throw up when I was 9 and was diagnosed with anorexia at 10 then at 14 | was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and was self harming. I've also always had really exaggerated reactions to people touching me I had a complete meltdown when I got home from a party in college after a guy only started to feel me up over my clothes while we were dancing but | felt like | was totally breaking down. I hate the idea of having sex and I can't stop myself from starting to cry even if I get near to trying to talk about my fears about this. does anyone have any advice for how I should deal with this? I’m scared that I’m making myself upset over nothing because nothing actually happened last weekend and I don’t remember something bad happening before that but this has really upset me and I’m not sure what to do.

hey,

several months ago, i had quite the traumatic experience with a few men which, over time, consequently resulted in a really deep fear/disgust of the male genitalia. i feel like throwing up my insides when i think about it, and i feel trapped in my own skin - i really feel like wanting to die in these occasions. it is difficult to truly encapsulate, but for the sake of brevity, i just feel terribly disgusted.

recently i've started learning about the male anatomy - my degree requires this of me, and it is absolutely compulsory for my course - it will continue to be that way. however, i genuinely feel sick when i go over these lecture slides and feel so, so nauseous.

my academics are of utmost importance to me (i want to get into medicine), but i'm seriously considering completely abandoning this module and failing this section of my course.

has anyone else ever experienced this feeling ? how did you get over it ?
some advice would be really helpful.

thank you

I recently fell off scaffolding at work, 13 feet down onto a concrete floor. I hit chains and platforms on the way down, which beat the living shit out of me, but, did save me without a doubt. I did not hit my head and I did not break any bones. I walked out of the hospital and went to work the next day. I have some severe contusions, and some tweaked or pulled muscles but that's it. I went to work, and at the end of the day, I got back on the scaffolding, top level, and proceeded to lose my mind. They've since fixed the fault that caused me to fall (loose bolts) and replaced all the platform hardware. It's sturdy. But it still sways and moves and makes noise, and I just couldn't handle it. I've been pretty happy go lucky about the whole thing, it's just how I am. I was joking with the emts and laughing when they wheeled me out. But when I got back up, I did one task, realized I was losing it, and quietly got off the scaffolding, went to the bathroom, sobbed, and went outside, cried more, and got in my car, zoned out for 30 minutes in silence, and went home, zoned out more in the driveway, and went inside. Curled up on the couch and just shook and cried until I got the bright idea to start drinking. That stopped it. I took a shower, had some more to drink, and called my friend. Drinking and talking to someone brought me pretty much out of it. But I have to get this taken care of. I can't be losing my shit every time I have to go up there. Since I got back on I feel like I unlocked some dark stuff. My mood is different, I hate being alone, and I'll just zone out and try to remember to fall, which I can't. Just the last moment before I hit the ground. And again, I didn't hit my head. This is making me feel really weird and vulnerable and I don't really want to approach my boss about it, but if I can't fix this I don't know what I can do. Should I try to get back on again? I measured 13 ft at home and that was a mistake, cause I started shaking again and getting all anxious. Is this PTSD? How do I get past this? Preferably quickly and on my own? I didn't expect this. Yeah it was a bad fall, but I'm fine. Why is my brain stimming on this? I've never feared heights before. Now I just about pee myself.

EDIT: The fall happened 3 days ago

I'm 23 years old, and I genuinely cannot remember a time in my life when I could fall asleep normally at night.

I don't think my problem is ordinary insomnia. I believe my nervous system has been conditioned since early childhood to associate nighttime and sleep with extreme danger. I understand why this happens to me, but I have absolutely no idea how to reverse it.

Here's my background.

When I was very young, my parents fought constantly. When I was around 3, my father remarried a woman who was an alcoholic.

My father was involved with the Bandidos motorcycle club and has severe antisocial personality disorder. He never physically hurt me, but the environment I grew up in was extremely unstable and dangerous.

Police raids were a regular occurrence in our home. There were illegal firearms in the house. My stepmother would experience what appeared to be psychotic episodes when she drank alcohol, and she would sometimes chase us with knives.

I have countless childhood memories of lying in my bedroom, absolutely terrified for my life, while my father tried to calm her down.

I believe that's where my sleep problems started.

A lot more traumatic things have happened throughout my life. I eventually became involved in crime myself, and my life has been extremely chaotic. I dropped out of school when I was 10 years old.

But that's not the main point of this post.

Here's what happens to me every single night.

I don't have trouble staying asleep once I'm actually asleep.

My problem is FALLING asleep, specifically at night.

During the day, I can fall asleep relatively easily.

But around 10 PM, something changes in my body.

It's like a switch flips and my entire nervous system enters danger mode.

- My eyelids become tense. I literally feel like I have to force them shut.

- I become hyperaware of every tiny sound around me.

- I feel like someone is searching for me and I'm hiding from them in my apartment.

- My body fills with adrenaline the moment I try to sleep.

- I feel physically incapable of letting my guard down.

It's not that I'm consciously afraid someone is coming to hurt me. I know I'm safe. But my body doesn't seem to know that.

This continues until around 6–7 AM, when the sun comes up.

Only then can my body finally relax enough to fall asleep.

And here's something important: I almost never actually feel sleepy.

I just stay awake until my body physically cannot take it anymore and eventually shuts down.

I can stay awake for over 24–36 hours, trying to reset my sleep schedule, and STILL be completely unable to fall asleep at night.

No matter how exhausted I am, the adrenaline overrides everything.

It's also significantly worse in my bed. I find it easier to fall asleep on the couch, which makes me wonder whether I've developed a conditioned fear response specifically associated with my bed.

I've been living like this for approximately 20 years.

This has destroyed my ability to function normally. My entire life has revolved around this problem.

Regarding medication and substances:

I've tried melatonin and quetiapine (Seroquel). I don't want to rely on sleeping medication.

At the moment, I use tramadol and cannabis/hashish to help myself fall asleep. I KNOW this is not a safe or sustainable solution, and I don't want to live like this.

I'm in Sweden, and I've experienced serious barriers to accessing the care I need because of my cannabis use. I feel trapped: I need help to stop relying on substances, but I also need help with the nighttime hyperarousal that makes me rely on them in the first place.

This is what I desperately need help understanding:

I believe my nervous system learned at a very young age that nighttime means danger, and that falling asleep means becoming vulnerable.

It's almost as if my brain has been programmed with one rule:

"If you fall asleep at night, you might die. Stay awake."

And that rule has been running in the background for my entire life.

I have a lot of insight into my own psychology. I understand the connection between my childhood experiences and what happens to me at night.

But understanding it intellectually hasn't changed my body's response.

How do I actually retrain a nervous system that has associated sleep with danger for 20 years?

I'm particularly interested in hearing from trauma-informed sleep specialists, psychologists, psychiatrists, or anyone who has experienced something similar.

Has anyone successfully treated trauma-related sleep hyperarousal, especially when it's been present since early childhood?

Would trauma-focused therapy, EMDR, CBT-I, or another approach be most appropriate for something like this?

I'm not looking for another sleeping pill or generic sleep hygiene advice. I need to address whatever is causing my body to enter survival mode every night.

I'm only 23. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.

If anyone has any insight, relevant research, professional experience, or personal success stories, I would be incredibly grateful.

Thank you for reading.

I’m 19F and have past sexual trauma. I’ve cried during sex with my boyfriend twice now, both times during the second round. I wanted to have sex and felt safe with him, but still got overwhelmed and started crying. He stopped immediately and held me.

This time the breakdown wasn’t as intense, but the aftermath has been harder. I’ve thought about it several times today and keep feeling embarrassed and angry at myself. We were enjoying ourselves, and I’m frustrated that it happened again, even though I know I didn’t choose that reaction.

I have a therapist, but I wanted to hear from people who’ve experienced something similar. How do you deal with the embarrassment and self-blame afterward? Has anything helped you feel more comfortable with intimacy?

So basically back in November 2024 I was assaulted by a guy I was talking to at the time. I had spoken a little with him in September over Snap but it wasn’t anything serious.
After that, one day (we went on the same school bus) he messaged me and told me to follow him or he’d do awful things to me and my family.
Stupidly, I followed him. I still blame myself for this every day because if I had ignored him and carried on walking the opposite way, surely he couldn’t have done it?
After following him he pulled me into a really bushy fenced off area behind some trees, behind a supermarket.
I was scared so I agreed to suck him off just to get him to leave me alone (end of October 2024-start of November 2024). Then he asked me to do it a second time, so I thought “okay it wasn’t too bad I can handle it.”
He asked over snapchat if I’d ever have sèx with him and I said no and he said that’s okay.
So I reluctantly go again, just to suck him off, so hopefully he leaves me alone, but instead he wrestled me to the floor when we were out of sight in the bushes and pulled my school skirt up, ripped the crotch of my tights, called me a whòre and pushed himself in me.(11/11/24)
I still struggle as to whether to call it ràpe because it was only a few seconds of me repeatedly telling him to stop and he pulled out.
He also groped at my chest that day and bit me there, which I told him was too hard and he told me “well my last girlfriend liked it so you need to take it”. The bite marks didn’t clear for a week.

After that I stopped talking to him but almost exactly a year later he contacts me and goes “if you have sèx no condom with me I’ll date you”. I replied and said no because I felt safe to say no to him, at this time he wasn’t on my bus anymore or in my life at all, as he was in year 11 when he assaulted me and had left school.
After that he threatened me and said he’d do horrible things which I’m not sure I can type on here. I’m still scared to tell anyone as he said he’d “do it again” if anything “got out”.
Sometimes I see him around town, not so much anymore, but he used to follow me around the shopping centre a fair amount, just staring at me.
I still have nightmares every few nights about it and I think I’m just more anxious now as 11/11/26 approaches.
I often wake up sweating and hyperventilating, I cannot walk alone even in daylight because I feel watched and followed even when I’m not being followed and end up having panic attacks.
I struggle in public settings because I tend to panic if anyone is behind me/ close to behind me, especially when there’s men nearby.
I distinctly remember being in the supermarket and muttering to my mum that I moved (because she asked why) because I “didn’t like people behind me” and a random dude (in his 40s/50s) told me “you better get used to the world, girl. Especially a pretty one like you”.
My mum, being an absolute legend, said something quite awful to him which I won’t repeat. For context, I was in leggings and a hoodie, probably 15 at the time.
I just don’t know what to do because every time I feel like I’ve made some progress I end up feeling worse again.
I don’t sleep properly because of the nightmares.
I can’t get any help without a parent knowing, can I? I just don’t know what to do so any advice would be welcome.

I feel like most of the time that I don’t have any agency whatsoever in my life, that all of my opinions and beliefs must be approved by someone else. Part of me hates that, and tries to fight back, but that makes me feel like an awful person when I do that.

Throwaway for privacy. I deeply, deeply distrust physicians because of several negative experiences as a child, ranging from what felt like forced intimate exams to emotional in-patient abuse. Because of that, I decided that I only wanted to trust myself to make final decisions about my healthcare, leading me to develop a passion for medical sciences. Several years later, here I am.

I am about to start my first placement in family medicine, but I am terrified. I have only had negative experiences in family medicine clinics and generally distrust physicians that I see as a patient. I’m not too happy to say this, but I have to be honest, I think it’s a big reason I don’t want to do family medicine and have somewhat of a prejudice against the field.

Honestly, I don’t want to feel this way, but it’s been eating me. I want to trust physicians, I’ve been trying, but I just feel like I can’t. All my classmates talk about stories of how physicians saved their lives, they feel so grateful and honoured to be here, but honestly, the reason I’m here is because 1) I love medical sciences and 2) I feel I owe it to my young self to use these experiences to stand up for others, otherwise, I just suffered for no reason.

How do I do this?

Every time it hits September October time there seems to be an automatic countdown to the anniversary of my trauma that has literally ruined every single thing I had built. It doesn't help that an extremely close family member died on this day also so it's a double bad day really.

Does anyone else experience this completley involuntarily?

Yesterday, I (72F) was in the Emergency Department waiting area of our local hospital. I had taken my SO (87M) there for some back and hip pain he was having. After a two hour wait, they got him in a wheelchair and took him to X-ray. I was doing a newspaper crossword puzzle to pass the time.

Suddenly, a woman from half-way across the large waiting area made eye contact, got up and rapidly came at me with her hands in front of her like she was going to grab me. She had a too-excited look on her face, a huge, toothy, open-mouth grin and she was saying something about my crossword puzzle. She wasn't slowing down so I screamed, got up, yelled "get away from me!!" and walked quickly away, past a security guard who had already responded. He was asking what happened. I told him that she came at me and I got scared. He got in front of the woman, blocking her way. I went to the ladies room and locked myself inside until I caught my breath and my heart stopped pounding.

Once calm, I went back to the waiting room, explained to the woman (who had re-taken her seat) that I was sorry for my reaction, I have PTSD, that I know she was only being friendly, that she could not have known her behavior would scare me like that. As I was doing this, I saw that she was still very activated and she told me she had only wanted to talk about my crossword puzzle. She was holding her hands up again, waving them around and almost standing up out of her chair. I cut the conversation short and went to sit as far from her as possible. Then I started to shake. The shaking went on for about two hours. When my SO came back, he noticed the shaking and knew I was upset but I didn't tell him anything about what happened until today.

My Thoughts:

There are lots of crazy people out there who think it is okay to run up on someone they don't know.

I must look like a fun, approachable person. Not such a bad thing, I suppose, but I think there is a certain amount of disrespect there. They don't know that I practice martial arts and am a sheep rancher. Despite my age, I can still throw a 200 pound raging ram on the ground and sit on him in less that 3 seconds.

I don't think she has any idea what PTSD is. She seemed to go blank when I told her I had it and I have had several encounters with people who say they have never heard of it. How can this be? I live in New Mexico, USA. It is 2026. She seemed to be around 50 years of age.

I am glad that I have situational awareness but I wish I could have more control over my reactions. I like that I told her to get away from me but I could do without the screaming. I will say, however, that the screaming makes people back off and it gets the attention of those in a position to help.

That security guard is very well trained. He responded in less than a second and protected me from that woman. He immediately saw that she was the aggressor and got in front of her. Good job! This will be noted in the patient satisfaction survey that is always sent after a medical visit.

I think I will find a more non-descript pastime for myself. Maybe listen to music with an ear bud in one ear.

It takes a toll on me every time this happens and it happens often enough. People just seem to want to interact with me in a most energetic, boundary stomping and assuming way. They think it is okay to get inside my personal space, grab me and tell me what to do. They don't do this when my SO is with me. I get shaky for hours and then have a relapse of nightmares and trouble falling asleep.

All comments and suggestions are welcome!

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother mostly has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but there's just so much I need to unpack.

I really need to get as much advice, perspective and support etc as possible before I do anything drastic or make any major decisions.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. To be honest I'm pretty desperate for advice and support and don't have anywhere way safe to get an unbiased perspective.

My parents split almost 10 years ago. I have had some great moments with them but they both were often quite toxic and abusive even.

I'll start with my Dad. A few months after my parents split he took me to spend the weekend pretty much out of the blue with his new girlfriend which he didn't actually tell me she was until we were only a few minutes away. One time while we were on holiday quite a few years ago during an argument he started bashing me with a Coke bottle. Afterwards he was full of apologizes and burst into tears. Also one other time during a row he threw my phone against a wall causing it to break. Also when he was winging about his situation I told him at least he owns his house and he pretty much laughed in my face. A few years ago while we were on our way back home from the movies he started going crazy and shouting at me and I was really scared. I tried to reason with him but it wasn't working. I can't even remember how the hell it all started. He even phoned my mum and told her he couldn't handle me and wanted her to pick me up. When I messaged my mum saying I wanted to leave she said she wouldn't teach him a lesson as they were both human and didn't deserve to be treated like crap. I was so upset and confused. When often she's the one badmouthing him to me. I have a strained relationship with my Dad and don't see him often I feel really let down as he was never really a proper father and only did the really bare minimum. He's never really stepped up and has always been useless with money. It actually makes me feel quite unlovable.

Now onto my mother which is by far the much longer list. She would blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well. Most nights by the time I went to bed she was often at least very visibly tipsy and I have flashbacks about her when blotto and actually makes me very upset to be honest. I just wonder how can get so unshamefully drunk whilst been alone in the house with her child and I feel it was very irresponsible.

I did even have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum and pretty much everyone we know such the teachers at school believe that. I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at my grandparents. I think we had a disagreement but I can't even really remember it now but my best memory is that she was on the phone to my grandmother and I'm pretty sure she was badmouthing me then my grandparents spoke and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

About a year later when I vaguely recall when was enjoying myself in the bath she started abusing me and said she and everyone else was going to wash their hands of me if I didn't start living her way or something. I remember I was struggling with getting ready and then she started shouting saying I was taking advantage and then called her mother to say I was really horrible.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A few weeks ago now in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? For example I'm starting to remember when I was very young she'd make threats of sending me over to a new mommy. I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she had a complete disregard and no sympathy for them.

PS another red flag i noticed was when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off. Also when my Gran had a fall she said to me in the car "trust me to have parents that live forever then I could get my inheritance".

Towards the end of my parents marriage I was 10 and she told me that my Dad was been very controlling and making her life a misery. I now look back at that with adult eyes and I'm starting to feel that she may of at least bent the truth. I'm starting to think that she manipulated me and tried to turn me against him and I do blame her partly for the fact I don't have the best relationship with my Dad. He's often let me down and been emotionally unavailable. Also he's very bad with money. I just wish for effort instead of excuses.

My mother often calls him a narcissist. I just feel that it's very wrong for someone to say to a child that one of their parents is a narcissist even if there is any truth to it.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so proudly and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She with absolutely no filter tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

She loves been the martyr and does seem to feel like an innocent hard done by single mum who's done her best and pretty much everyone including teachers at school believe that. As I said I do feel for her then I think but what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could my parents have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

A few years ago she said things like "I should top myself" and around that time during a really heated argument she threatened to kill herself with a knife so I did actually hide the knives. That's actually really traumatized me. She's also said one night a couple of years ago when she had a meltdown that when she dies hardly anyone is going to be at her funeral. I mean like why the hell would you say things like this to your own child?

A few other things. I remember once when Dad was picking me up a few years out of the blue she said just F off and even Dad said to me in the car that he didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me and when I told her that during a later argument she just said "yeah whatever" and something like that. Also one time when Dad came by to bring something she said "make sure that you show him that you're really happy to be back home". A couple of months ago when Dad took me out for a pub meal when I came back home the next night she said in sort of like a wise-ass way "you know he won't be able to afford that often". I do realize that but her saying that actually really annoyed me to be honest. As I'm making small steps with him it feels like she was deliberately trying to ruin my mood.

PS I remember one night years ago she accused me of looking like I wanted to hit her and went crazy. I may of had a tired look because it was late and I tried explaining that. She starting banging ornaments and shouting and was just impossible to talk to. Also I remember a few years ago one time she started saying she was worried my Dad was going to try to spend more time with me and that it would affect my schooling and life and said if I fall for it I would never see her again and all of the family will hate me. She's also said that before when I threatened to walk out during arguments. She's also said many times during these tirades that I was dead to her.

Also something that really upsets me is whenever I try to reason with her she often just goes "I need more alcohol to deal with this".

Almost a year ago my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started shouting and carrying on. When I went after her I tried to explain myself but she said I was been passive aggressive and even trying to manipulate her. I reason with her but she just wasn't having it and kept carrying on. When I tried to explain that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend without her treating me like this. She said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down yet again. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet still emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that. I mean can anyone make sense of that?

A couple days after that weekend one of my teachers asked to have a word with me and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother and been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who the hell said what to him and that's something that's still REALLY baffling me. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He reassured me and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc). I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I graduated in December and I now do a certificate course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time.

Her next meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?". She was been very cold and unreasonable. I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her but no. I'll admit I finally snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. After I said about been my own person she said "you'd be nothing without me". I do regret that as it did actually make me look crazy as we were in public also afterwards she was all calm and innocent. I tried to explain calmly that she can't guilt me and tried to make her realize how her sarcastic comments and quite frankly mean attitude was upsetting me but that wasn't working. I even said that she's been narcissistic with her comment about me been nothing without her but it was like talking to a brick wall. She then said "look everyone thinks you're crazy and as you're an adult now I can get the police over here". She then just suddenly called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I then just ran off into the sea but all of my excitement was ruined and I was feeling very sad and confused about what just happened. I was starting to feel that maybe I overreacted or am remembering things wrong and my mind was feeling very fogged. I really wish I had just walked away and still kick myself. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say were all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

A couple of weeks ago I've told her that I wanted to do another certificate course at that school next year and she tried to make me feel bad by putting on the guilt trip and giving me the cold shoulder. I've tried to blur it out to be honest but I remember she said that I was been selfish and told me how she wanted me to live my life. I tried to explain to her that I can't just do what she expects and the expense of my own happiness and well-being. I feel like she is trying to control how I live my life and I told her that she couldn't do that or tear me down or change my mind. She then said (this felt like reverse psychology and emotional blackmail) fine do whatever you want and I'll do the same. Also shouted and carried on saying things like F me and I'm hopeless and that. I also told her that I would love to be a teacher but she said i wouldn't be able to go to university, scoffed and said that I would be useless. I feel like she's trying to damage my already limited self esteem, confidence and spirit. Also she had been fairly good up to this. I was dreading telling her but I do feel that a weight is lifted as well. It seems funny that whenever I tell her something she doesn't like or she can't control she goes back to her bad self. PS she's also upset that she can't get paid for me doing that and wants me to just do what's best for her financially. I find it quite ironic her making me feel bad for not getting a job straight away while she's unemployed. PS it was the school ball that night which was brilliant but I'm disappointed that it went so quickly and also I feel a bit down about my social anxiety and that I didn't ask anyone to dance or make more conversation with my teachers and peers.

Then a few nights later my mum was going out for the night and she seemed a bit tipsy so I did ask out of concern if she was fit to drive. She immediately got defensive and bit my head off and said I was having a go at her. I only asked out of concern and worry and I tried explaining that a hundred times but she just wasn't having it. I also tried to explain that her getting defensive if anything proves my worry is valid but she started saying I was harassing her and she was sick of my bullshit and sick of putting up with me and she couldn't wait to get away from me. She also just suddenly pulled her shirt off showing her breasts ( believe it or not that's something she has done once or twice before ages ago). I was just shocked and looked away quickly as possible. When I tried to ascertain why she got so defensive she said that I think I can just say whatever I like to her and for her to just take it. I swear I didn't mean any ill-will or malice and of course I tried explaining that too but no. I just don't know for the life of me how she can turn on me just like that and treat her own son like that.

Both that and that previous thing a few nights before she said we're not going on holidays again this year and she brought up that incident from the January holiday I talked about and said that she hated been isolated there with me while I was been horrible to her. Wtf when she was the one belittling me and having a go at me which made me snap and I did apologize for that. She genuinely seems to think that she's actually the victim when she gets defensive and treats me like shit. Then when she left and i was starting to second guess myself and was thinking that maybe I am in the wrong and am a bad person. I was left alone for the night I'm feeling very isolated and confused. PS since that holiday she was actually been fairly good but after both that night after the school ball and that incident both only within a few days has left me feeling blindsided and like the rug has been pulled from under me also feel like I'm back at square one. Basically I really can't fathom how someone can treat their own child like this. Just beggars belief to say the least.

Now when she came back the next day I tried to start a conversation about the last night and she did get teary and said she was sorry but still when I tried to get her to take some accountability and realize how exactly she hurt me she was just like "I said I was sorry didn't I?" and said I just kept going over the same thing and said she was sick of me bringing up the past. She started not making much sense and playing dumb a bit. I just wanted her to realize how she upset me and also the previous incidents and she said "i guess I'm just the worst mother ever". Am I justified for feeling as though she hasn't really taken accountability? We have sort of made up now I suppose but I just stopped talking about it to keep the peace really.

I should add that last incident was a week ago now and it really bothers me how she's all happy now and acting like that never happened whilst I'm carrying emotional scars and still feel as though I haven't really had any closure or true accountability. Also her harsh words and still deeply wounded in me and I'm feel like a piece of shit and like I'm unlovable.

Like I've said she go from been genuinely the most nicest person to the most horrible.

I stayed with my father the other night and the next day he started carrying on and had a meltdown because he's only got like $30 left. I hope this doesn't sound too selfish but I felt very disappointed and let down that he couldn't even go a whole day without carrying on about his issues especially as I don't see him often. I don't think spending money on pot, cigarettes and vapes helps does it? That's what really burns my hide is that he has enough to spend on his terrible habits but when it comes to buying basic food when I was there for only a night he has very little. I mean is it too much to ask that when he does rarely see me that he can be on his best behaviour? It stresses me out and adds to my anxiety when I hear about my parents issues. He then rambling that he's been cursed since his father died young and if he was still alive they'd all be millionaires. Of course I feel really bad and am sorry that he died young. Though to be fair he has apologized and explained that he wasn't upset with me he was just very disappointed that he didn't have much which I really do appreciate. I just wish he could get his act together.

I'm starting to feel that the good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting them sometimes for all of the mental anguish they've both put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by my mother as she's the one who adds to it and I pretty much don't know anything about my own bank details. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known. She has said that I'm her number one. I think if that's how you treat your number one.

I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and are quite messed up. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also does their substance abuse issues made them this way as well do you think? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and she also vapes and my father smokes pot and cigarettes.

Also as my father struggles financially I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

I must admit I do feel very down sometimes as my father barely makes an effort with me and my mother treats me as like an emotional punching bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable. I wonder what I've done to deserve this.

Honestly one of the most frightening things is that they genuinely don't seem to remember most of even any of it so that's why I'm too scared to call them out. Also they seem to feel their behaviour is ok.

PS I'm really good at covering up my anxiety and pride myself on putting on a cheerful front and everyone at school thinks I'm the most happiest and optimistic person ever. I feel scared to let my guard down or if they knew otherwise.

Also none of the family have a clue and I just know they wouldn't believe me and I fear if I did distance myself from her they'd think I was an evil person.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've wasted a lot of my childhood been isolated with my mother a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

I swear I sometimes feel as though I've been given the most selfish, toxic, messed up, irresponsible and emotionally immature parents ever. I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do about everything am I?

PS before anyone says anything about therapy I did try that once a few years ago but really struggled to open up. I struggle to do that with people I know nevermind a stranger.

To be honest I can't help but feel really resentful sometimes when I see people with proper and decent parents also when I see others living life to the fullest and I don't know how to be like them.