I just need to type this out because I feel completely lost, hurt, and invisible.

A little over a year ago, my mom passed away from Stage 4 colorectal cancer. Before she died, I stopped working completely to become her full-time caregiver. She was 100% bedridden. I changed her diapers, took care of her every need, and watched her slide away. She passed away just one month before her birthday. Because we had to wait for an insurance check to clear to pay for the funeral, she wasn't buried until a month after her death.

A few weeks after the burial, on what would have been her birthday, I went to the cemetery to place flowers and spend time with her. When I got there, I realized they had buried someone directly next to her, completely blocking her grave. I couldn't visit her on her birthday. I had to wait a few days and come back.

When I finally returned, I noticed the cemetery had a heavy sprinkler setup running over the fresh burial next to her. I walked up to my mom's grave to place the flowers, and out of nowhere, the earth collapsed. A massive sinkhole opened up directly under my feet.

I sank into the ground all the way up to my waist. I was trapped in that hole for what felt like an eternity, terrified, completely drenched by the cemetery water, and covered in thousands of ants that were violently biting me. I eventually had to physically claw and pull myself out of the earth. An ambulance came and rushed me to the ER.

Physically, I survived with a sprained ankle and heavy bruising. Nothing life-threatening. But mentally? My life ended that day.

I was diagnosed with severe PTSD, extreme anxiety, night terrors, and depression. I am trapped on a rotating wheel of prescriptions just trying to survive the night. I recently tried a low dose of Esketamine treatment under medical supervision to fix the depression, and it caused a horrific trip where I genuinely believed I was actively dying.

Because of the anxiety and PTSD, I don't go out anymore. I barely socialize. My relationships are completely falling into the trash. My long-time partner is at their breaking point and might leave me. My kids look at me completely differently now. One of my children moved all the way across the country back East, and he doesn't call me anymore. It has been over a year since the incident, and I miss him so terribly it hurts.

To make a nightmare even worse, the corporate insurance adjuster for the property is treating me like garbage. They are offering a microscopic settlement amount that wouldn't even cover a fraction of the debt and medical bills this nightmare has piled onto me. It feels like they are intentionally hurting me further, dragging this out until I'm broke and buried next to my mom.

I spent my last months with my mother giving her dignity, and this place stole mine. I am so angry, so hurt, and I feel like I'm screaming into a void. Has anyone else ever survived a trauma that cost them their family, their health, and their sanity? How do you keep fighting when the corporate system tells you your soul isn't worth anything because you didn't break a bone?

My brain just works differently now.

Aside from the issues of short-term memory loss (thank you anxiety and sleep deprivation), my brain is just different.

The two Afghanis were sitting on the side of the road on a blanket. They both looked older. They were not MAMS (military aged males), but we stopped to talk anyway.

Our mission was a 48-hour op.

Establish a patrol base.

Conduct patrols IVO (in vicinity of) the Arghandab River, south of what we called Lowy Manarah and west of Kaleshak

Establish contact with any Taliban operating in the area.

By contact, the intent was to walk around and get into a fight

This was the first patrol I led in country. Twelve Americans, and probably ten more Afghan Army guys.

I was 25 years old. An E-5, buck sergeant squad leader. 22 men I was in charge of.

Those two Afghanis did not want to talk to us. All they said was "The Taliban were in the area and wanted to kill Americans."

We laughed it off. Honestly I remember thinking, "Well, here we are. Come get some."

Such bravado

We asked if they were Taliban

They said no.

We asked if they knew where the Taliban was.

They said no.

In hindsight, we should have questioned them harder. Detained them. Used X-Spray to check for gunpower or explosives residue. Afterall, I had gone through a FBI tactical field questioning class (it wasn't interrogation tactics per se, but you know close enough). Hindsight is always 20/20. They knew. Of course they knew.

But I knew no better

We turned the corner, and less than five minutes later Taliban small arms was ripping leaves and limbs from the trees in the orchard we were in

AKs and a PKM. Probably. Thank God there was no RPGS.

Time slowed down.

I remember how the leaves floated so lazily to the ground.

I could hear my heart beating in my ears.

We were fighting in orchard vegetation so thick I wondered if this was what it was like to fight in the jungles of Vietnam. I remember seeing my squad all laying in a ditch. Our Afghan Army partners were shooting in every direction. Of course, the comms went down. It was chaos.

I never saw where they were. I imagined our attackers were at the far end of the orchard between us and the river. A small trail ran back there. Or maybe they were on our flanks. I remember shooting a few rounds over the wall, just in case

I stood up to move to the head of our column.

I was scared. You will never forget the sound of incoming small arms fire, but I had to. That was expected. Close with and destroy the enemy by means of fire and maneuver. Can't do that lying in a ditch.

I started moving up the line. "CIBs for everybody," was all I could say. Of course I was making jokes. My guys looked at me like I was crazy as they laid in the ditch.

That phrase became the squad motto.

We never caught up to them. The fight became a running gun battle up the river until they finally faded away, lost to the orchards. So many things happened in those intervening hours.

Things that I blacked out.

Things that happened that I do not recall. Like... how did I get that one specialist over that wall? I remember rage. I remember being so angry at one of my guys I almost snapped. I remember hitting him because he refused to move under fire. I remember the new private dropping to the ground because he was tired. I remember how angry I was he dropped his SAW barrel first into the mud. I remember carrying his weapon and dragging him to Kaleshak, also carrying a 200 round belt of 240 ammo.

Everything was so heavy. And I was so tired. But there were things my guys asked me later I did not have a response for. But I do know it changed me.

I remember thinking I will never trust surface answers again from people.

I started to analyze behavior more closely.

I started looking for patterns. Changes. Facial expressions.

Words and actions and actions and words.

I knew we were lucky, but it was just that. I could have pressed more on those two Afghans.

What if one of my guys had been killed because I took things at face value?

I have no doubts that Taliban fighters were relaxing with those men, minutes before we rolled up.

I have no doubts we were lied to.

And luckily, no one died.

But it changed me

I listen now. I analyze. Patterns, Subtle shifts. People do not realize how much they say when they are not talking.

And those skills made me very good at what I did for the Army in recruiting. I was very proficient at reading people.

But those same skills that made me how I am now, that made me so successful, haunt me.

I see people and my relationships with them differently.

I analyze every conversation.

I look for danger in words and actions that might not be warranted

But the fact remains.

I am changed.

My intrusive thoughts aren't about events.

My intrusive thoughts are about words. Conversations. Patterns. What are they not saying? Is there more to the story?

Am I in danger?

I don't know if this is PTSD, but I do know that things are not the same. 2009 was a long time ago.

I shouldn't still be like this.

I'm a 35 year old male and I'm still struggling with the trauma of my abuser and I go through everyday and every day and I cry here. I'm always checking if I'm going crazy or insane in my head and I just go over things in my head a lot. My abuser would say things to me to hurt me. They would say things about my weight and physical appearance and just call me crazy. I hurt really deep inside and I try to give myself permission to move on but I can't. I feel like I've cried so much I don't have anything else in me anymore. My life really isn't over? I really don't know what to do?

paranoia is probably my biggest symptom when it comes to my PTSD, im paranoid every day and sometimes it can cause me to have delusions, like im being tracked by aliens or someone is watching me from cameras everywhere, theres time i can ground myself from these but i have had episodes where i’ve truly believed them and acted. one time i believed my mum was sent to finish me off, even having auditory hallucinations that were telling me she was evil, i locked myself in a neighbours house and tried to jump out the window if my mum even got near me. i havent had anything as severe since then but i still get these delusions from time. ill step outside and think im not wearing any pants even tho i can see i have pants on and that everyones mind is corrupted to believe i have pants on, sounds so stupid but i have this alot when i go outside. there is times i just cant seem to grasp reality, am i real? are other people real? what is real?, ive been thinking of going to the doctor but im really against medication even though i know it might help. im just so lost and sick of not being able to tell what is real. does anyone else experience this? if so does anyone have any advice?

It’s been a rough day today. I haven’t been able to do most things. I’m incredibly fearful and my body feels like it’s someone else’s. I’ve been sitting on the floor with my mouth agape for hours just trying to breathe. My head hurts and is full of pressure and I feel like I’m falling. I’ve switched between different parts of myself a lot today and it’s caused a lot of confusion and fear. I feel so disabled I don’t know how I’m ever going to get a job if I can’t take reality seriously. It just doesn’t feel real enough to me to really give a shit. The only thing that feels real is the structure of my mind, and I wish I could spend my life exploring that rather than working an endlessly terrifying existence. I want to disappear for good from this world

A month ago I was triggered and had a breakdown.

I feel like I lost who I was before. It came unexpectedly, one minute i'm me, the next I'm this. I stopped talking to everyone in my life, I want nothing to do with them anymore. I relapsed. I just want to get worse. I have no interest in anything I was working towards before this.

This has happened before. And it took many, many months to get back to a reasonable level of saneness.

How many fucking times do I have to rebuild myself? With no one, fucking no one there to support me.

Cracked and blurted out to various friends about past trauma, addiction problems. Its fascinating how suddenly, they don't wanna know me. Maybe I came across as a nutjob. I haven't been hiding my scars lately, and I am aware I have a 1000 yard stare and can speak in odd ways. Maybe they think I am dangerous and its best to keep distance from my sort.

Specifically if you have sh scars you'll know what Im talking about. Mine are bad. When people see them they totally go awash with.. something. Its an emotion i don't recognise myself. Since I am on the 'side' of people that has such vices and understands why people do it, I don't clutch my pearls when I see signs of a troubled mind. Its fascinating how normies switch up when they find out you're 'mentally ill' lmao.

I am so ill, I didn't notice how much degeneracy I've racked up. Addict, self harmer, has ptsd, very skinny. The polite society I blended into views my sort as sub-human.

I'm hurting. Well I ain't, I'm numb, but underneath I can tell I'm hurting. i stopped talking to everyone in my life.

How do you handle it when people don’t get how awful it feels and disregard your symptoms?

I generally do fairly well but every once in a while I get very frustrated and need to step back and be alone to reset. Very rarely, I’ll encounter someone who doesn’t understand this and continue to press a conversation. Only to get upset when I have the reaction I know I’ll have. I’m never mean towards them I just get frustrated within myself and it’s different than my usual kindness.Their general response is it’s not an excuse and I never think it is, but it’s also not okay to force someone into a conversation they know they can’t have. To me, it feels like throwing someone into water knowing they can’t swim then being mad they splash/go under.

I do everything I can to limit my interaction with people like this but sometimes it happens. Do you have any tips, research, experiences so on of how I can explain or disengage better.

Hi. I have PTSD involving medical stuff from a few years ago, which up until now was practically in remission aside from a few moments of stress.

Unfortunately, a few months ago I did some really stupid shit involving large quantities of drugs (not a suicide attempt, but definitely caused by mental illness) and I went to the hospital thinking I was going to die because my heart was beating erratically and I was on the verge of passing out. At the moment I decided to go to the hospital, I really did think I was going to die. I had this awful clarity that I was eighteen and stupid and I was going to die because of an overdose.

Obviously, this did not happen. The doctor said by the time I got to the hospital I was out of the 'danger zone' for that particular drug and what happened was just heightened by anxiety. Even still, I am super fucked even 2 months out from it. I am constantly checking my heart, wondering if it's beating weird, afraid I'm going to go into sudden cardiac arrest, trying to keep my heart rate down for fear that it'll just stop, etc. I'm scared of going up the stairs because my heart will start beating harder and I'll feel it and it'll remind me of how scared I was and then I'll have a panic attack and die. I am constantly checking my heart but at the same time if I'm not actively checking it I'll become distressed just by feeling it beat in my chest.

I've had more panic attacks since than I've ever had in my life, some so bad I went to urgent care for meds, but then refused to take them because I was scared they were going to slow my heart rate and I was going to die. My chest will suddenly start burning after I have a 'bad thought' and the panic is so bad that my whole body will shake and I won't be able to move. I'm well aware that these are irrational thoughts, but I can't get them out of my head.

It is SO MUCH WORSE than the last time. Last time, the avoidance and negative changes in thinking were the most intense, with flashbacks/reliving being a rare but highly unpleasant phenomenon. This time, the reliving happens frequently and protractedly enough that I have a routine for what to do (lie down in bed, phone a friend, drink some water and try to distract myself until I'm not completely focused on my heart rate, etc).

Last time, my startle reflexes were heightened, but I was really the only one who noticed. This time around, I scream when people walk into rooms too quietly and tear up at loud noises. It feels like an electric shock running through my entire body and zapping my heart. I'm constantly exhausted by this physical alertness. I just want to feel normal again.

I want to bring it up to my psychiatrist, my therapist, literally anyone who could help, but I'm worried they're going to tell me I can't be traumatized by something I caused that didn't even end up being actually dangerous to me. Which, like, yeah, that's literally part of the criterion. But I'm experiencing these stupid fucking symptoms again regardless. I'm so fucking tired of being afraid all the time. I don't know what to do.

Something that’s been so hard for me is my dad wasn’t all bad. He was really great in some ways. Even though he brutally abused me for years, leading to my therapists labeling it as torture.

He played like Bandit from Bluey did.
He went almost all in, played any role. Since he was a doctor, he played the best Doctor game ever. He taught us soccer. How to bike. Coincidentally, my favorite game was Monster. It was basically tag with him acting like Sully from Monsters Inc.

But he also withheld snacks and water. Made me cook for him. (TW: violence, child abuse) Molested me. Raped me. Kicked me. Hit me. Threw my body into things. Suffocated me. Hit my head into things.

So trying to reconcile this literal monster of a father with the dad who went all in when playing monster brings up confusing feelings to say the least.

And I think that may be part of what’s missing in my trauma therapy. I’ve never grieved the dad I missed out on by disclosing the abuse. He was the only adult who I felt truly loved me. He got me books about my special interests. Took me to museums and let me spend hours at my favorite exhibits. He taught me more about my special interests.
But I lost all that when I told my therapist what he was doing to me.

A little context: I also have cPTSD from my mom though she’s never actually done anything “wrong”. She was an adequate parent for my sister, but because of my neurodivergencies, disabilities, and mental health she was unable to provide for all my needs and thus cPTSD. So in essence, I lost the only parent I ever had, even though he was also (TW: CSA, trafficking) raping me and potentially letting his friends abuse me too.

hi and I have a question about ptsd so i googled a bit and think I might have ptsd (I know just googeling doesn’t prove I have ptsd) because I get like intense fear when hearing a certain sound and i instantly want to like go away from that sound and just not hear it anymore like I can’t I just get that intense fear does anyone know if you can get tested on ptsd or something if yes please let me know thanks in advance for anyone who can provide information

now that my trauma has compounded, getting through each day proves to be a massive feat.

it’s to the point where just looking after my two dogs throws me into a complete state of utter burnout. it feels impossible to to do anything but look after myself, and even that is questionable.

is this an actual phenomenon or just unique to me?!

Hey all, for the past year or so I’ve been working with my new therapist who specializes in behavioral therapy. I have a lot of problems with self worth, confidence, positivity (it comes and goes), socializing and like ten thousand other things. My therapist have been giving me really good resources to help, most notably a gratitude worksheet and stuck point worksheets to for my mind to have a more realistic approach to things rather than be black and white. I’ve done it on my own and put it into Google Docs but it’s been inconvenient. I was curious if there’s any iOS apps that I can use with my therapy? Something to for example do a gratitude practice three times a day, or to do stuck point practices on. If anyone has any recommendations I’d greatly appreciate it!

My symptoms started taking over my life this year I tried to ignore it for months and started missing work first it was 2 absences in the month then 3 the next then it was everyweek I was using a sick day, not I've worked here for 4 years I barley call out unless my kids are sick I had and still have plenty of sick time and pto to cover being out, I work in a group so there is nothing not being completed if I have to be out. In March my boss put me on an action plan and I was not allowed to have anytime off for 45 days. I did good and got through it but i was burnt out at the end and started using my pto and sick time again, my big supervisor scheduled a meeting to fire me and my supervisor met with me first and recommended applying for medical leave on an intermittent schedule. I completed that and felt good I atleast wasnt going to be fired. Then all of a sudden I started getting in trouble for other things for co text I wear the same 6 outfits for work and cycle them, from January to August no issues with those cloths. Now im on leave and im dress coded for my clothes being to tight on my body and wearing Jean Capris on Jean day. I reached out to HR and they told me my big supervisor can decide whatever she wants for dress code because my company doesn't have a dressc9de. On days I come into work I struggle to get here before my start time witch is 8am. I normally arive between 8 and 8:03. If I drive at 8 or just after I am now not aloud to clock in until 8:30. I feel like im constantly on thin ice to the point thinking about going to work increases my symptoms. Im so upset because this company has been amazing until I started having issues with my mental health.

If your still here thanks for listening to my rant.

I have pelvic floor issues due to trauma and somehow it is more embarrassing for me to explain to people/partners that I have issues using the bathroom than triggers around sex. Any tips for getting over this weird shame?

I 21F, had been visual hallucinations and nightmares for the past 3 years or so, on and off. they always last for a few moments and then they disappear. it's mostly shadow people or creatures/animals. sometimes it startles me but I mostly ignore it. it sometimes gets worse when im anxious, especially at night. i get paranoid like someone is out to get me or im being haunted by ghosts which i know is unlikely but im not able to fully reject this possibility. in addition to this, whenever I get on instagram i keep getting creepy videos/conspiracy theories which freak me out even more and make me more anxious.

idk if this can categorised as delusional thinking since I feel like maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me. but I feel like this is not how a normal brain should work. sometimes I have brain fog and im kind of a superstitious person in general. also I have been diagnosed with adhd and my psychiatrist said the hallucinations might be because of ptsd and asked me to come back for further consults after starting my adhd meds. I have a history of child sexual abuse.

but I wanted to ask. what do you all think? does any of this sound familiar?

i’ve been with my current partner going on 3 years now. they’re absolutely amazing and they’re aware of my past experiences with abuse and SA , so they’re very careful to make sure i’m okay with what we do in bed.
i have a hard time with anything where i have to take control, i feel like i become too aware of what’s going on and then it causes me to spiral into a panic attack. i only really enjoy sex when i get into a mindset where i can kinda zone out and turn my brain off? i know that doesn’t sound good lmao. but i don’t know.. its so fucking confusing because i will want to have sex. i’ll initiate it. and then i can only enjoy it if im not fully present.
i don’t remember when, but we started having intimacy after i took edibles (fully consensual, it was my idea beforehand because i’d hoped it would help me be able to relax and enjoy it without my mind rushing off to bad memories and feelings) … and it worked! but… kinda too well i think? now i feel really gross and bad when we do things and im sober. i’ve been unable to get through intimacy, having to stop halfway through (which then makes me feel guilty as hell and then makes everything worse.)
last night this happened and it sent me into a panic attack that lead to me getting sick and throwing up :P

i was just wondering if anybody has experienced something like this in relationships after experiencing SA … maybe if you’ve overcame it lmk what helped ? or any ideas? idk. i’m getting really tired of it feeling like there’s two sides of my mind that can’t agree on what it wants.

Earlier this year my grandma was murdered in our family home. I was home when it happened, I found her and had to call 911 and my parents and everything. That entire day is permanently burned into my skull and there really isn't a day that goes by that I don't relive the memories at least partially.

I recently got formally diagnosed with PTSD by a psychiatrist. Everything I described to the psychiatrist ticked the qualifications for being diagnosed, and I've had speculation about having it for months. Nobody I knew was surprised by my diagnosis, but the more I think about, it the more invalid I feel.

I feel like I don't deserve to be diagnosed with such a thing. Growing up, I always imagined PTSD as something you got if you were sent off to war or if your parents physically abused you as a child. I've had rocky patches with my parents but nothing violent or abusive, and I've never been to war, so why the hell would I of all people be diagnosed with it? I know that's a ridiculous mindset to have, but I'm just in disbelief about everything that's happened still. I don't know how to process it.

I've been told not to use the diagnosis as an excuse by my dad, which I understand what he means but now when I feel legitimately shitty or depressed or whatever I feel like I'm just making it up. I'm extremely paranoid and depressed, I worry about my safety everywhere I go, I'm constantly on edge—all of this and I still feel like I'm just being dramatic.

I can't even really explain it to anybody else because nobody I know has gone through this experience. Yeah, my family did, but not in the same way as me. Words can't properly express the emotions I felt finding her. I don't even know if she was already dead or not, but that immediately influx of such intense anxiety and panic is something that sticks. The image of her laying face down on her bedroom floor haunts me everywhere I go. Nobody will ever fully understand my perspective.

I think it's partially because I'm still functioning, too. I go to university, I have responsibilities, I study and complete homework find, I can feel happiness and I laugh and I have some decent memories from this past year.

It confuses me having so many feelings at once. I don't want to have PTSD. Who the fuck does. I feel broken and confused and scared and I worry that I'm dangerous because of it. I feel like when I turn 18 everything that I feel will just be further invalidated because I'll be an adult. I fear nobody cares. There's so much shit that I feel it just leaves me exhausted and sad.

At the end of the day, I understand that it is valid and that everything I feel and experience is, too. I just don't know how to start believing that.

for context, i was in a really horrible roll over car crash a couple years ago that really had me thinking i was gonna die. This week i’ve been off my meds and last night i had a dream where i fell asleep at the wheel and crashed horribly and the dream ended abruptly when i died i guess. it’s just never ending with trauma and ever since the crash i’ve been convinced i will die young and likely in a crash. i always feel like i’m going to die, and it’s just to scary to be this on edge all the time. does it even get better? it’s been two years now. but i see it in my head all the time, every time someone speeds up, or overtakes, or goes in a pothole etc. someone i know just died in a crash too and it just lives in my head all the time :( i just hate being scared all the time

So my boyfriend is significantly older than me, we’ve been together for a few years now, and honestly this has been an ongoing issue in our relationship where he just doesn’t know how to take no for an answer.

He had just came back home yesterday from spending a week out of town and last night he kept begging me to come over even though I told him I was exhausted and didn’t want to have sex because I was in the middle of treating some slight BV.

He kept reassuring me that we didn’t have to do anything and that he just missed me so much and just wanted my company and to cuddle, so eventually I gave in and went over.

Of course, once I was settled in and were cuddling, he starts kissing and touching and eventually asked me to give him head. I reminded him that I said I didn’t wanna do anything, and he said, just for minute, and I did it just so it could satisfy him enough to where he wouldn’t try to fuck me.

And then after a little while of head, he starts asking me multiple times if he can fuck, and I didn’t even say anything. I’m just looking at him with a face that is so deadpan and showing my lack of wanting. Eventually he just asked me to get on the bed.

The sex only lasted for a few minutes, but I literally just laid there with a dead face waiting for it to be over. Wasn’t comfortable or pleasurable, I wasn’t even moaning.

Afterward, I was visibly upset, and he actually acknowledged that he crossed a boundary and apologized. Explaining to me that he originally didn’t plan to have me do anything and that he had already given himself a pep talk about how he was just gonna leave me alone despite how much he missed me and despite how good I looked, blah blah blah.

I’m so lost on where to go from here, but overall I’m just wondering does this count as sexual assault? With the fact that I felt extremely pressured and slightly forced?

Don't want to go into too many details about my situation here, but I have been through a lot, enough to be diagnosed with PTSD, and I'm also autistic, applying to study medicine in Europe. One of the biggest motivations I have had for undertaking this career is to fight how horribly I have been treated by certain medical professionals throughout my life, and give more of a voice to disabled and traumatized patients. However, I have already been encountering just so many situations, where it's apparent my future colleagues, supervisors, etc, just simply do not understand trauma.

A huge example of this, is trying to push that invasive procedures and examinations should be the standard, just because it is status quo. Something I really want to do is try to encourage accommodations, and changing the way we think about these things. Is something actually required, or are we saying it is due to convenience? As well as giving patients more power to say no, when they feel uncomfortable with something. I have found that a lot of people in the profession do not consider whether a certain intervention will be traumatic for a patient. Traumatized individuals are not invited to participate in many studies, and I find the general understanding of how trauma impacts people differently to be lacking, things are always considered from a "normal, healthy" population level.

I am realizing more and more people have no idea about trauma, or they think certain things aren't traumatizing if a doctor or nurse does them. I'm feeling very discouraged, especially having to open up about my own background to defend my position here. It feels like my view is nowhere near a majority, and I'm questioning my decision to go into this field.

Feeling i was dying getting into coma. Severe (and first ever) panic attack. Severe extremes body heat/temperature changes. Ptsd diagnosis by a psychiatrist. A year before i took the exact same amount (100mg) and felt nothing. This time the weed ruined it all. It was the last joint i had. I keep regretting it and blaming myself all day for ruining my whole life. If i just didnt have that tiny joint none of that wouldve happened. My life became extremely worse. Yea, mdma GAVE me ptsd instead of healing it. I wanna off badly.

My brother was in a bad explosion when he was 13 and I cleaned up a lot of the aftermath….

Took me a year to eat lasagna which was a weekly food at my college I was attending at the time. Skin looks like cheese when I sloughs off the body.

It’s been over 10 years and I’m long past that trigger - for the most part - except a few minutes ago I went to eat a stray piece of cheese that fell off my frozen pizza and onto my plate.

For a split second I’m right back there.

For a split second it’s not cheese I’m about to eat.

I know it’s gruesome, but it’s a hard topic for those around me to hear, and I can’t afford a therapist.

And it doesn’t hit me often if at all anymore, but no matter how much I work through that trauma, it still hurts sometimes.

I’ve struggled with ptsd my entire life. I went through some sexual abuse as a kid, but I remember being a paranoid kid even before that. Life was always unstable for me. My mom kept getting with abusive men, we were homeless a couple times, we’ve had her exes threaten us/stalk us/hurt us/etc etc. I’ve never truly known peace and what it feels like to let your guard down.

Recently, I moved in with my partner and I still find myself struggling with constant paranoia despite being in a safer, controlled environment. They’re so sweet to me and never make me feel unsafe. They work long hours, specifically at night. Nighttime is for sure when I’m more vulnerable. Most traumatic events happened for me late at night.

Whenever he goes to work I have a ritual of turning every single light in the house on, making sure every window and door is locked, curtains closed, phone stays by my side, and anything creating a loud noise is turned off. My brain sees any little noise as a potential threat. I have a compulsive urge to check through holes in the blinds to see if anyone is watching me. My thoughts always snowball. It starts off as an unsuspecting noise and then it turns into me thinking there’s an intruder actively breaking into my home.

Even when my boyfriend is home at night I still find myself getting paranoid, just not as bad. I’ll start drifting to sleep and suddenly bolt up and stare at the bedroom door, trying to notice if it’s moving or opened. I’ll lay in the darkness and listen for any noise my brain deems suspicious. I talk about these thoughts and feelings with my boyfriend, but he doesn’t seem to take it too seriously. He’s not mean about it, but he just tells me it’s fine and that I’m just overthinking. Sometimes he tries to make me laugh by saying we’re safe because he fought off the “boogeymen” before he went to bed. Sometimes this does cheer me up.

I don’t know. I’ve heard that a lot throughout my life. Being told that I’m overthinking and that I’m fine. It’s always in a dismissive tone. And the person usually goes about their day or goes to sleep right after saying so. It doesn’t help me feel better. I feel like it should though. I know you shouldn’t feed into someone’s fears.

I’ve been in and out of therapy almost my whole life. My last therapist was awful and kinda put me off of therapy for a while. But I’m currently trying to apply for different insurance so that I can try to find a new therapist at a new facility. I just hate struggling with constant paranoia and insomnia. I’ve lived with it my whole life. The only time I’ve been able to manage it was when I lived with my family and things were good. It was a full house, there was always someone up making noise. Always a tv playing. Always a light on. It made me feel at least somewhat safe. It’s hard going from that to a home with just me and my partner. I do have my cat and he has a dog. They definitely help some. Just not a lot.

I hope more therapy and medication can help. I’ve only ever tried zoloft. I tried seeing a new psychiatrist at one point and told her I’d try anything but zoloft because every time I take it I just feel bad. It makes me feel empty. I talked for almost a full hour about everything I struggle with. (I also have anxiety and depression, but I don’t struggle with them as bad as the paranoia) And right after I finish talking and tells me she’s just going to put me on zoloft again. I felt so unheard. Never went back there again.

So anyways, thank you for listening to this long winded rant. If you got to the end please tell me some tips and tricks to help manage your ptsd. I’d appreciate the advice :)