Keeping it simple. 43 dad here with 11 and 9 1/2 daughters. Depression my whole life. Suicide closer than ever. Especially with splitting up with their mom. Let's leave her and that out of this.

I know everyone says leave the kids out of it. It's not up to me to make the decision to end it for them.

My question is which is worse.

Committed suicide myself and my kids have to live with that forever. The holidays, birthdays, seeing everyone with their dad's,going to school. Everything basically.

Suicide myself and taking them with me so they don't have to suffer with all that.

Yes I know think of all the family and people affected if they are gone. I understand that. This is just about is it worse they are still here or just take them with me.

I’m at the grocery store and remembering why I don’t like people - it’s because everyone looks at me funny and seems so judgmental about my appearance

Even other black women. You can tell. It really makes me regret going outside. You think I look tired? Well I *feel* tired and I have anxiety. It makes me regret trying to be polite to people and say hello. I really wish I’d just spent the day at home. You can tell when people are judging your appearance, I grew up with that, with a LOT of that, and it’s partly why I don’t like to be around people. My brother and I, we were not socialized normally. He developed schizophrenia and I am not schizophrenic but don’t trust other people and have felt for years that most people are terrible and won’t help you in life. I regret trying to be decent at the grocery store.

I had to carry the bags and one of them ripped back home myself, because as a woman I cannot rely on my father to do so and I don’t have a real boyfriend or husband who is present and consistent. It made my hands hurt more and I’m at home feeling agitated because I spent over $300 on hair that has gotten less overall compliments than my styles normally do. I was just sitting there thinking about how I have no true friends in life and how awful and untrustworthy most people are. I’ll have to discuss this with my therapist

TW/ I’ve struggled with depression and suicidal ideation since I was very young I was abused in my childhood home until I left for college. I started dating my current boyfriend almost 2 years ago now he is 28 and I am 21.

He has constantly been verbally emotionally abusive towards me. Today he screamed in my face with such rage: “you am worthless, you are stupid, fuck off, Grotesque, bitch, you are nothing.” Referring to me. Among other horrible things truly soul crushing. I can’t even explain how horrific how evil it was in this moment.

I have a college degree but no money of my own to get out. I just wanted to say it’s not like I’m completely useless.

He and others even his family have told me how kind and nice I am yet he told me he is meaner to me than to anyone else ever. He threatens my safety and security all the time.

I am out of gas emotionally my heart my being is out. I have thought of kms so many times recently especially now after he said these things. I have never thought good of myself only bad I grew up thinking I am worthless I am nothing I am all those horrible things. In truth it’s narcissists, abuses, and addictions who have put these words in my head.

I’m struggling to hold it in the worthless the sadness the thought all these horrible feeling could go away my tears and suffering. He knew I was abused he knew I thought about sucude before as a kid he knew how others have treated me yet he did and does the same. He knows I struggle with mentel heath yet he tears me down piece by piece criticizing me on every level. I have done nothing but help him - I drove him to rehab, I sat with in a whole day in a hospital took though I had to drive hours, I cook everything for him, I clean, I build him up; yet he touchers me. It’s so damaging emotionally, I can’t handle being alive I can’t handle the suffering.

Vent ig; F18. TW: Mentions of SH) I don't know what's wrong with me anymore

I've felt this void in my heart since I was 11 and it's a feeling that makes me feel incomplete and just empty. Sometimes, I feel like I won't live past 18 (my current age) because I don't see a future for myself and it's been that way for a while. I've always hated myself. I sometimes avoid looking at myself because I hate everything about me- my looks, body, etc. I never found comfort in myself, not even after being told that I'm "beautiful". I just can't see it. All throughout middle school and until I graduated highschool a few months ago, I never dated anyone. There were a few times in highschool, though, where I thought that I was finally going to get into a relationship but it never happened. It happened more than once- a few times to be specific. The people around my age who I've been around have had something going for them. But never me. Whenever I finally gained hope, it all went to waste because that boy would just stop communicating with me out of nowhere. I hated myself for growing attached so easily. I still do. Everyone I know always tells me that I'll find my person some day. Till this day, I think there's something wrong with me because I haven't found that person. I don't think I ever will, honestly. I lost hope a long time ago and accepted that I might be alone until however long I decide to stay. I've relapsed so many times and I feel like it's the only thing I can turn to so that feeling can go away just for a while. That empty feeling grows and grows everyday, though. I don't have anymore hope for myself. It's just the same thing every day. Do things get better?

I don't think I'm actually depressed necessarily but I've been diagnosed as such and it's been shoved down my throat so I guess we'll go with it. I'm incredibly lonely, I don't have any friends anymore and I don't trust people, I can't talk to my family. I've been to therapy, I've tried meds, nothing works. I drink myself to sleep most nights, and that's nothing compared to how much I used to. I dtont know what to do anymore, I feel like dying is the only option I have left, but I've tried before and I'm scared to fail again,

I genuinely do not know what to do. I have SAD MDD PTSD. i was in a heated argument with a redditor who was twisting another OP’s words on a post and im just trying to defend the OP.
I guess i am not built for reddit… lol…
I got so worked up i just feel impending doom, congrats on that person!
Things aside, i genuinely dont know how to help myself. I am supposed to be on meds but i took for 2 months but stopped… i js cant have the habit to keep eating all this.
Now i am just feeling so disconnected, dissociated, as if i am watching my own body third perspective. I think i had a fleeting moment of wanting to SH but its just a controlled thought. Maybe i should quit reddit.

I am 25 F and I've dealt with major depression since I was maybe 9 or 10 years old. I was abused and neglected my entire childhood, and I didn't think I would make it to 18, let alone 25. I turned 25 last month and I feel hopeless. This year has felt impossible. Even small tasks feel completely insurmountable. I feel useless.

My entire life has felt incredibly lonely. I've never had close connections with other people and I've always wondered what's wrong with me. Friendships fizzle out and I've been abused in romantic relationships too. I've craved being cared for and loved my entire life and I've never felt that. All I'm good at is being abused. Now I have really bad agoraphobia and I can't trust anyone. It feels like there is an impassible wall between me and anyone else, like everyone else has something that I'm missing, something I can never have.

I haven't done anything with my life considering I never meant to live this long. I'm isolated, I don't have anyone to turn to. Ever since covid I've become a hermit. I've told my family about how I don't want to live anymore but they're honestly indifferent to me. The daily realization that no one is going to comfort me hurts so bad. I see other people with best friends or partners that love them and feel so lost. Like, even other people who are struggling have somebody to go to. The concept of "it gets better" makes me feel bitter. I've been like this my entire life and it's only gotten worse.

And any advice I've seen is usually along the lines of "be there for yourself and invest in yourself", but I don't have the energy or will to. Why? What's the point in getting better if you're completely and utterly alone? Is it wrong to wish there was someone to go to when you feel like giving up? Being so starved and desperate for affection and connection makes me feel pathetic. I crave someone to do even mundane things with, someone to just exist with who sees me. I don't want to be pitied, I just wish there was someone who genuinely cared for me, not just those who want to use and manipulate me, but I only seem to attract the latter. Even as a kid I would fantasize about having friends.

I always have this inevitable feeling that I will end it eventually, no matter what. I never had a chance to be 'normal' in this life. I always find myself wishing I was never born. My parents never meant to have me and I wish that they hadn't. It hurts being this way, and people can say "reach out to someone" or "it gets better" or "mental health matters" but in reality, people only care about themselves. If you have chronic and severe lifelong depression and you don't "get better", people will stop checking in on you. People will stop reaching out, people will stop making an effort. Finding community feels like a fantasy that is unattainable and false. The only reason I haven't ended it is because I'm scared of failing. If there was some way to 100% ensure that you fade away and don't wake up, I would have done it by now.

I don't even have some hope of "maybe I'll make it". I just feel completely drained and exhausted. The feeling of being alone and being so lonely for so long is completely crushing. I feel like I'm not a real person, and I feel like I have nothing left inside of me, nothing left to scoop out and mash together into any more motivation to continue. Everyone else my age is living, and I just exist. I can't help feeling like there's so many people who should be alive instead of me. I mean nothing to anyone and it hurts so much. No matter what I'm doing I just can't stop thinking about ending it.

Vor ziemlich genau einem Jahr begann bei mir eine schwere Depression. Es war ein unglaublich harter Weg, besonders die ersten Monate waren von einem sehr starken Sterbenswunsch geprägt. Rückblickend war es die mit Abstand schlimmste Zeit meines Lebens.
Zum Glück stand meine Freundin immer an meiner Seite. Sie hat mich durch diese unglaublich schwere Zeit begleitet, auch an den Tagen, an denen ich selbst kaum noch Hoffnung hatte.
Nach vielen Monaten voller Höhen und Tiefen ging es mir schließlich langsam wieder besser. Ich wurde stabiler, hatte wieder Freude am Leben und irgendwann auch richtig Lust darauf, wieder arbeiten zu gehen und mir eine Zukunft aufzubauen.
Am 1. September habe ich dann tatsächlich wieder angefangen zu arbeiten. Über eine Zeitarbeitsfirma bin ich in einem Metallunternehmen gelandet. Die eigentliche Arbeit gefällt mir sogar ziemlich gut, und anfangs hatte ich wirklich das Gefühl, dass es endlich wieder bergauf geht.
Leider hat sich das mittlerweile ziemlich verändert.
Der ganze administrative Stress mit der Zeitarbeitsfirma, die Unsicherheit und der ständige Druck belasten mich zunehmend. Mittlerweile bin ich innerhalb von zwei Monaten zum zweiten Mal krank, obwohl mir bereits beim ersten Mal ziemlich deutlich signalisiert wurde, dass weitere Krankheitstage problematisch wären.
Dazu kommen Schlafprobleme, eine enorme innere Anspannung und das Gefühl, trotz völliger Erschöpfung einfach nicht mehr richtig zur Ruhe kommen zu können.
Und mittlerweile sind leider auch die Suizidgedanken wieder da.
Nicht in derselben Intensität wie damals, als meine Depression am schlimmsten war, aber doch so deutlich, dass es mir Angst macht. Was mich momentan vor allem am Leben hält, ist meine Freundin. Ich könnte ihr das niemals antun, gerade weil sie mich durch die schlimmste Zeit meines Lebens begleitet hat.
Was mich aktuell am meisten belastet, ist diese unfassbare Unsicherheit bezüglich meiner beruflichen Zukunft.
Ich möchte doch einfach nur ein halbwegs normales Leben führen, arbeiten gehen, Geld verdienen und irgendwann mit meiner Freundin eine Familie gründen. Aber dafür brauche ich nun einmal eine gewisse finanzielle Stabilität.
Leider habe ich keine abgeschlossene Ausbildung in einem Beruf, in dem ich langfristig arbeiten möchte. Und langsam kommen immer häufiger diese Gedanken auf: Was ist, wenn es beruflich einfach nie richtig funktioniert? Was ist, wenn ich immer wieder an solchen Situationen scheitere?
Dabei möchte ich ausdrücklich sagen, dass ich grundsätzlich gerne arbeite. Auch die aktuelle Tätigkeit macht mir eigentlich Spaß. Es sind vielmehr die ganzen Umstände drumherum, die mich zunehmend fertig machen.
Ich habe deshalb schon darüber nachgedacht, mich erst einmal krankschreiben zu lassen, gegebenenfalls das Arbeitsverhältnis zu beenden und mir zwei bis vier Wochen Zeit zu nehmen, um wieder etwas zur Ruhe zu kommen. Anschließend würde ich gerne einen neuen beruflichen Anlauf starten.
Aber selbst das fühlt sich unglaublich kompliziert an. Die Angst vor einer Kündigung, die finanziellen Folgen und die Ungewissheit, ob es beim nächsten Arbeitgeber wirklich besser wird, machen es nicht leichter.
Ich weiß gerade einfach nicht, welcher Weg der richtige ist. Einerseits möchte ich nicht alles hinschmeißen, nachdem ich mich so mühsam wieder ins Berufsleben zurückgekämpft habe. Andererseits habe ich große Angst, durch das ständige Weitermachen wieder in eine schwere depressive Episode abzurutschen.
Hat jemand von euch nach einer schweren Depression ähnliche Erfahrungen beim Wiedereinstieg ins Berufsleben gemacht? Habt ihr euch damals bewusst eine Auszeit genommen, den Arbeitgeber gewechselt oder versucht, irgendwie durchzuhalten?
Mich würden eure Erfahrungen und Gedanken dazu wirklich interessieren.

I brushed and flossed my teeth. It's only been a week, but before that I literally cannot remember when the last time I did was. I know it sounds so gross, believe me I know, but I have oral hygiene paralysis. I can't bring myself to do it. I hate it and I don't know why.

But I did it. And I feel great :)

I'm so done. I can't keep living this life that I've managed to fuck up so badly in 35 years. I'm a piece of shit and I can't live with myself anymore

What is making my depression so much worse is how much I see the world sucking right now.

Everyone is negative about everything, everyone is fighting, nobody is taking accountability, nobody sees their own flaws in how they act and how much hate they spread, everyone is divided, nobody can have smart conversations, everyone is led by their feelings..

Things are changing too much, too. I don't do well with change at all, even if it might not even matter in the grand scheme of things.

The rise of AI, the future of critical thinking, human authenticity, and the future of human social connection look bleak as well.

Honestly, I could regurgitate everything I find worrying about the world and the future of humanity for hours.

It is making it 1000 times worse to rid myself of depression and I know I am not the only one thinking this.

There’s no guarantee that life will ever get better. The demographic which you hear that phrase from is very positively skewed . You hear from the ones who haven’t taken their own lives. The ones that are still able to function in a work setting. The ones who have the confidence to speak openly about their struggles to others. So many successful people who have struggled are sitting on the tip of an iceberg of complete failure and suffering, consisting of people in their exact situation who were not as fortunate. It’s really daunting how arbitrary fate is.

However, the opinions on this subreddit are also very negatively skewed. Just because someone’s life hasn’t gotten better doesn’t mean yours won’t. Many of the people here are venting and commenting at some of the worst points in their lives, where they haven’t gotten used to the pain they are feeling from the blow life recently dealt them. Life itself won’t get better, but if it doesn’t get any worse, you will start to feel better. Because you’ll get used to living how you live day by day. You’ll feel numb from it eventually if you have enough patience.

This isn’t a hope post or a depressing post, it’s just my thoughts on how I see life at the moment. I don’t think it’s worth living for a lot of people, but idk it may be worth giving tomorrow a chance.

i really really wana end myself but i am afraid i survive and have to explain.

It’s no surprise I’ve reached this dead end really. There was something not right about me from the get go. Too highly strung and flimsy. Needing to work so hard just to survive, make friends etc. I needed everything to go right and I made bad decisions putting myself under pressure. And then I cracked. Never to be the same.

I did not expect myself to come on this. This morning, I told myself I wasn't depressed. I am an artist trying to find and create meaning. I planned to write a book. Multiple. I had stories to tell. For the past 8 months I've been sitting at home without anyone to talk to, focusing on things that no longer matter.

I was clinically depressed a few years ago during high school. It completely crashed my academic career, and in short - after many second chances, I am now a high school drop out. I have no friends, but I don't want friends. I don't talk to my parents, and I've even distanced myself from my little sister. The thought of being alone, fighting this on my own, figuring things out, reading books, putting my soul onto a piece of paper - That has given me semblance of meaning. I'm like a fucking religious pilgrim from the Middle Ages, saying 'fuck it' and going barefoot across the entirety of Europe. Except the world is ugly now. I'm not in Europe. I can't even walk across it because I don't have a VISA. I've been out of school for 8 months, having spent a few weekends working. I quit, and spent all my money. Recently, I took my GED and applied to university in Scotland, to be an English major. Why? Because I love English.

Just a few moments ago, I was recovering from pretty traumatic writer's block, causing me to sit in silent thought for at least 2 hours. I randomly went on reddit to read peoples' perspectives on authorship. I found out that it's practically impossible to make money off of selling a book. Oh, and the competition is insane. Chances are, no one will read your book.

That's lovely. The 8 month illusion - or, delusion - of being able to shrug off the chains of labor and toil by doing something I love - while simulatenously finding meaning, is gone. Just like that. Disappeared out of my hands as I was looking at it. Now, I can't even bring myself up to the topic. Of course, I know that art is meant for the self. Part of what I 'discovered' I already knew. The point is, I felt suicidal for the first time in a long time. Genuinely suicidal. I realized that I was shipping myself to Scotland for no apparent purpose. I know that an English degree won't be viable. Nothing is. I know that I'll never be content working any job. Not even a relatively high-paying job; I want to be in nature. And I can't even do that, because I don't have money. And even if I did, I know I won't ever be happy, because I'll be alone. I want love, but I know it won't happen. I want to be an animal, but I can't even bring myself to walk. This morning I had hope while typing away. Now I have none. Yesterday I was afraid of death, thinking of how terrifying it is that you could die in your sleep. Now I want to die.

This is a rant to nobody. I don't feel right putting this down in a journal or doc. I am hopeless. I am an ascetic at heart - I know that money will not provide me happiness. But I can see no future where I am happy. I watch Ghibli films one at a time and at the end of each film I want to shoot myself because of how beautiful the world and story is. I want to cry at the end of every movie knowing that the protagonist gets to live a quiet life on a farm somewhere in the mountains with a lover, and that their love will be true and everlasting.

As is the case with my creative writing, this essay is shit and leaps around.

TL;DR: I'm a lazy shit whose last glimmer of hope in 'success' is dead, and now I truly see no future where I can be happy. I'm lonely and want to talk to someone, but not anyone I know. A magical forest guru, like in Avatar. I'm scared of death and simultaneously want to die. The oscillation happens daily. Also, watching Ghibli films make me want to kill myself.

I'm at the point where I dread waking up as I go to sleep every night

I'm in a vulnerable place right now. I really am, if someone on here could make me cry like this. I haven't been on reddit that long, and I'm not usually bothered by strangers being rude or whatever but the worse I'm doing in real life the more sensitive I'm becoming. I'm going through the dark night of the soul. I'm trying to recover from being in the hospital recently. I just, I need a hug, real affection, to hang out with someone, but it seems like I'm disappearing. I don't want to do this anymore. I just don't know what's going on. It feels like I'm at the bottom of a hole every day and I'm watching the world, but I'm not a part of it. So many people describe drug overdoses like falling asleep. Seems like the best way to go.

I can’t keep friends for more than two years and I can’t date either, it always ends up horribly.

I know now I can’t meet people without it turning out badly but I still want to be with people

what can I do? is there a way to train yourself to not crave human connection? can I somehow be content with being alone?

I M18 live alone. Family cut ties with me after I wanted out of religion. The only person I got is my dog. And yes I count my dog as a person… 2 days ago I finally had the guts to confess my feelings towards a classmate who I’ve had in my classes for a while now but we haven’t talked. I asked her out on a date and she looks at me and stood up and left. I went back home and I just sat behind my computer screen trying to not think of what happened. My friend posted a story… it was him and the same girl who I asked out 2 days earlier. I don’t know what to do… I’m thinking it’s because I’m not tall or handsome which is a possibility. I just don’t know if I can make it another week. I see couples everyday and everywhere and it just reminds me how lonely and fucking depressed I am. The only time I socialize with people is on my soccer team. Even there I’m quiet but I’m the captain so I have to speak.. it takes a lot. I always get made fun of my height and specially looks. I am always the shortest person in the group and the most vulnerable. I’ve been bullied and abused all my life.. people are shitty and I just wanna go to sleep and not wake up or I’m just going to end my shitty life myself.

Hi, I’m 26 now but my birthday will be this weekend.

I’m normally not excited about my birthday, it’s been years since I don’t care about it.

I’m feeling overly depressed right now, if you know what I mean. I haven’t felt this way in years and I feel so guilty for feeling the way I do.

Apart from this, I’m getting tested tomorrow to see if I have a glaucoma on one of my eyes and if I do, it’s over.

I also haven’t been able to find my antidepressants anywhere and my mental health has declined so bad, I’ve been thinking about harming myself but haven’t done it because I know it’ll hurt my parents and my boyfriend.

Apart from my parents, my relationship with my family is very complex, I’m always the one at the end of thought. My family always prioritizes my cousins, but when I do something they brush it off.

I feel myself drifting away from everyone and don’t know how to fix this, I don’t have energy to do anything after work or school, I don’t have the energy to go on a party bender anymore, I just don’t have energy to exist.

The situation in my country (Latin america) is very shitty right now, I’m afraid of what the future holds.

I’m years away from graduating, I’ve been studying and working at the same time for 6 years, and my career is almost completely replaced by AI.

I feel so whiny by complaining when I know there’s people who have it worse than me, but after years of having thoughts I think they’re winning this time.

I don't know if it's because I'm uncomfortable with my life. but a while ago I wanted to kill myself and I had a knife in my room for like 5 weeks.and I couldnt decide if I wanted to because I know that my life wasn't useless and that Tomorrow it could be better but I was thinking about it and I really think the reason I'm alive is that I valued my life so little that I didn't want to have to cause my family the annoyance of my death. it's gotten better since than. I was so close to grabing that knife and just pushing a little deeper into my skin than I ended cutting my self.. witch my parents still don't know about it's healed but it hurt a bit. I was so close to killing my self and I don't know if I feel. good in my own skin I feel like I don't belong as how I am. and I don't know what to do. do I just wait? will it get better?

I'm tired. I'm sick of being funny. I always joke and joke in my head. I've had depression for years. It only gets worse. Everything always seems to snowball. There is never peace. Always on alert. Look in the mirror and see something disgusting. Everyone calls me the wrong name. You don't see me, but only my distorted frame. I have no friends, never had any. The love of my life left me long ago in an abusive relationship. I'm not a good person. I'm stuck in a house with the very people who don't move me. They think I'm some figure they made up in their sick minds. I don't even have online friends either.

I hate sleeping. Every night I wish and plead that I wouldn't have to sleep just to wake up to continue the cycle. I'm stuck in an endless cycle. Every day the world seems to twist differently every time, just small enough to drive me insane. Everything looks different sometimes. The smallest texture or material changes. The smells change. But it never changes for the better. The days tick by like watching a clock tick slowly to just the next minute. I don't see a future. I don't know what would make me happy. I don't know what a happy life before could even be. I only know I can never forgive the people in my life. I'm emotionally stunted, permanently. I'm scared I'll watch my "best" young years tick away. I feel helpless. I've tried everything to make friends. Everything to make them stop hurting me. Nothing works. I'm sick of waking up with no messages. It's easier to be better when at least you have someone.

I crave the love I once had. I just wish one person cared about me enough to say "hello". Or the decency to say my name and not some fake title given by false love. I only make them laugh for selfish reasons. I'm tired. I want a reason for all this suffering. There has to be something, but what is the something? I just don't want to do this again and again.

I 23M have always worn my heart and passion on my sleeve. Im Gay and have been hurt by alot of men and i try to stand up for myself but i never win and i just meet another asshole.

With my own personality i talk alot and im really opinionated especially about topics im passionate about like my love for animals.

I guess im just ranting and thinking alot tonight. I cut myself alot because i feel like i deserve it.

Maybe im always destoned to be used and hurt. I wonder if accepting how im treated will help me.

A little context. I’m 18, learning comes very easy to me, so I often don’t need to try at stuff. It all started when I was 16. I had got a girlfriend and I was very happy. Then she randomly broke up with me -fine - but I didn’t handle it well. Right after that was summer and I got two jobs. I was never home, I was never able to actually process my emotions to her dumping me. Then my senior year rolls around and I have to see her again. All the feelings flood in. Whatever - it’s been a few months, still not over her it’s okay. Then comes student council. I think it’d be a fun idea, so I run. I genuinely try. First time I’ve really tried and lost at something. But guess who wins a spot? My ex. Oh well, coincidence. Basketball season comes and goes, we’re terrible, oh well. Finally it’s time to graduate and I get an opportunity to run for valedictorian. Sure. I state my case. Again, really trying. I’m not sure why I cared so much. None of my friends thought it was a big deal. But I did. So when I lost, I got down. Then an award id been gunning for all year goes to someone else. Seems like a lot. Whatever. I spend my summer working full time again, all my friends and siblings separate for school and then I’m alone, working all the time. Recently I see my ex on instagram and I realize I still miss her. Nearly two years later. Gang, am I cooked?

So my manager got let go today due to budgeting cuts. I am really devastated. She was my champion, making sure that the higher ups didn't dump too much work on me. I have to drive a lot for my job which is hard because of my health issues so she helped me schedule things so I didn't have to drive so much. She advocated for me my first year, and I got a 10k raise which I'm sure people don't usually get because she wanted them to keep me.

I feel lost now that she is not here. She isn't even allowed to come to get her things.

On top of that I have majorly fucked up at work, not doing work in am supposed to be doing or keeping up with documentation notes...why? I wish I had a reason. Its like there are things I know i have to do and I'm being told to do it and I know there are consequences. I hate getting in trouble which makes me confused as to why I feel IDAF. Have been having major procrastination, memory issues, inattention. Someone thought maybe its undiagnosed ADHD but I barely have time to see my doctor.

My chronic pain is bad to the point where I just try to sleep just to get an escape from it. Slept 4 hrs on Saturday because the pain was bad and I just needed an escape.

The only thing I can say is I am trying to be better at work. I can't go back and do previous work but have been just starting for the past few months to be consistent. I don't know how I let it get to this point. Like I blinked and I am 2.5 years into a job and I fell so far behind I gave up on trying. I am shameful I have let it get this bad and can't seem to motivate myself to start really trying.

I get into panic spirals and just shame that fills me when I think about how disorganized I have made my life. I can't remember basic things, I have no motivation and consequences don't seem to motivate me. I feel like a piece of shit.

What kind of person have I turned into? Why am I not doing things that are required of me even if I know better, and knowing this could have signicant consequences? Why can't I keep track of things in my schedule even with calendar reminders.

I know all I can do now is try to be better. I am making some changes. But I'm really not in a good place and I feel hopeless.