I hate people, i love people, i hate myself, im the best ever, i hate work, i love my job, i am the meanest person ever, im so sweet. Everyone hates me, everyone loves me , i want to kill myself, i love life, i hate how fat i am, im so skinny, i hate sex, i want someone to want me.

I am the father who is providing all aspects of treatment for my daughter for BPD, I did not listen to her most of her childhood due to my own mental illness, and she needed me so much. I regret that tremendously. Now that I am better, I am doing everything in my power to help her improve her conditions. Meds and therapy aren't helping much.

What makes me wonder is that she can talk to me for 5 hours straight only to me, not to mom, everyday, mostly about the same issues: friends, hobbies, movies, books and movies, family members. I am so happy that I get to know my daughter now that I can listen. She tells me many things from childhood when I could not listen to her. Although she is always tired due to lack of sleep and lack of food, it's incredible that she has the energy to constantly talk, non stop.

Could it be her way to make up for what she couldn't told me in childhood to make up for the attention she craved? Could it be a symptom of BPD? Could it be a way to avert from the void and emptiness she feels, as she is not working and no in school? I am baffled.

I don’t know if this is a bpd issue or not so I apologize.
I was talking to my mom about problems that I experience. During talking I just felt so aware of how I sounded and felt so disgusted, and it got worse afterwards. It’s like I have a third person observer in my head that matches my perception of whoever I’m talking to. I imagine her perceiving me to be same way you’d perceive an 8 year old singing all girls are the same, I sound so damn stupid and pathetic and idk I can’t find the words. Everything from the way my repulsive ass nasally voice sounds to my speech pattern to what I’m saying. I just feel so fucking disgsuted with myself.
It’s not always like that, but very often I get that. It also extends out to just being around other people, when I’m in public every person I see enters my head as a third person observer and I can just hear all of their thoughts about me. That also means that it’s dependent upon the person I’m around and who I profile them to be.

Hello, i have bpd and bad anxiety.

Weed has become a big part of my life. I have been addicted to it on and off for almost two years now.

I used to be addicted to pens. That didn’t help me at all i was high all the time and my tolerance was really bad at the end i couldn’t feel anything. I have stopped using pens for around a year. Now i only smoke. I was very addicted i would smoke everyday a couple times a day. I have been sober from weed for around 45 days when i decided i felt ready to try it again. I fell back into addiction because it helps me want to live it helps me want to do things and experience life. I was back in addiction for around a month or two. I started smoking once a week then once every couple days then once everyday until i smoked around 4 times a day. Now i am 7 days sober from weed. I do not feel happy about it i am proud of myself but i do not feel like this is the life for me. Weed helps me cope with my life. I am on a waiting list to have mental health support and i take antidepressants and antipsychotics. I also have ativan for when i get bad anxiety attacks but it’s too weak and doesn’t help. I feel like the only thing that helps me live and enjoy my life is weed. I have been struggling with mental health issues since i was a kid and when i found out how weed felt like i discovered that it helped me so much. My family, boyfriend and friends are worried about my addiction but i feel like i am just self medicating and making myself feel good and making myself enjoy life. Without weed i don’t like living i find everything bland and sad and i can’t cope with my emotions. I have bad episodes where i want to end it. Does anybody with bpd feel the same way with weed ? Does anybody have tips to control my usage with weed if i do start again?

So I’ve been in a few relationships over the years ans have been transitioning for a few years and at every time I’ve lost my fp I’ve also sort of detransitioned and retransitioned a few months later.
Is this something you guys have any experience with ?
I’m really not trying to be political here.
Just speaking about my experience as a woman with BPD.
And if so can y’all gimme some advice please it will really help.

Every time he says he feels happy and that he doesn't think that way, I still feel like he doesn't actually like me or want to meet me. These feelings make me scared from time to time. I want to be a lovable girlfriend, but I worry that he doesn't want to see me, even though I really need to see him. So far, he has been meeting me three days a week and calling me every evening, but I just can't believe that he enjoys it.

Does this happen to anyone else? How can you overcome it and believe that your partner really likes you?

How am I supposed to live my life if almost everyone triggers my black and white thinking and I end up not wanting to talk to or be around anybody but I also hate being alone. I can’t see the point in living either of those ways. Anyone else have similar experiences? Has anyone found a way to do something about that?

I’ve been hungry for a sense of community lately, i want to talk with my fellow weird people. I feel so alone in my daily challenges, and i just want to feel understood.

So i’m thinking a group chat, discord maybe?

I keep going through this cycle of telling myself I’ll think before I speak and act, then all of a sudden I’m running on adrenaline and saying random things, lying about random things, acting on emotion, etc. and then lying awake at night screaming about whatever I did that day. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was contained to my personal life, but work is getting harder and harder because my symptoms are slowly bleeding into my work “persona” and the real me is coming out :( I’m starting to feel like every job for me will be me going through a quiet phase, slowly feeling comfortable being myself and people accepting me, then feeling too comfortable and letting my issues show. I’m at the point where my managers are so cautious of telling me things because I have a tendency of crying when I make mistakes and not being able to hide it very well. I’m by far one of the hardest orders there and I’m constantly proving that I truly care about the work I’m doing, but I’m still struggling with being hard on myself so even the smallest mistake makes me spiral.

I had a breakdown a few months ago where I had to do an Intensive Outpatient Program because I couldn’t stop crying at work and talking to myself out loud to quiet my OCD intrusive thoughts about my work performance. I had my meds adjusted but it felt like a countdown started to when I would eventually april again, and the countdown just ended. Yesterday I essentially begged my manager to help me get on the opposite shift at job, which in hindsight was extremely inappropriate since that’s not his job and I’m essentially asking for his help to be down a worker. Anyone else struggle with this? I feel hopeless and I’m constantly worried about losing my job, which makes me even more anxious at work and the cycle just continues.

Its amazing that when you've struggled for 20 years with a debilitating disease, and you've finally learned methods of coping with it. You sit down and get some perspective on the life that you were living, the choices you made, and who you were holding on to that maybe you should not have.

After suffering and illness, then hopelessness and despair before actively trying to heal and help yourself. Or even learning what that entails.

You will find out who your friends are. And for me personally, as I gaze back at the decisions ive made and the people that ive kept in my life. I have realized that the ones I chose to keep are in fact the people who were making me sick. They were making me ill without me knowing. Because people use emotional abuse and manipulation as a tactic for getting what they want from life. And I was being used for my kindness when I thought that I was being a good person. I thought that I was helping others. But really I was just being drained and left with nothing.

What I called being generous and supportive was actually burning myself out in order to show up for others. What i told myself was love was actually just manipulation that others used against me. To get what they want.

Im not trying to be bitter. I am bitter. But what astounds me the most, is that you truly never know who your real friends are. And even when they're gone the doubts still remain.

​

aaaaaaaa!

i am so tired of people telling me this! “think about being single the rest of your life. accept it. grieve that pain. then you’ll be free. it doesn’t mean you won’t find anyone!” WHY WOULD I TORTURE MYSELF LIKE THAT! i don’t want to be free from needing love, because i want to be loved!

“once you’re comfortable with yourself and okay on your own, THEN you’ll be ready to find someone.” why do i have to suffer like that! why do i have to be so fucking alone before i’m worth being loved!

i don’t want to cope with being single! i don’t want to be content being single! i don’t want to have to give up the only thing i’ve looked forward to in life and “grieve it”! i want to fall in love and get married like everyone else! i want to stop being alone! i don’t want to be content like this!

eta: does anyone else get this? or just frustrated by the love yourself rhetoric in general?

Ive been dealing with BPD for years now and i have had other professionals say i might be neurodivergent or have CPTSD (abused/neglected at home, bullied at school)

Whatever it is that I have, I cannot forget the wrongs the people in my life have done to me.

My own best friends humiliated me, hit me and bodyshamed me. I have endless stories about how insecure they made me be. I truly believed i was the wrong one for decades. I became a shell of a person. Nobody realized or cared enough to understand where it came from.

Well today all i can think about is telling them that i remember and i want to understand why they did that to me. Did i seem different? Did they want to humble me bc they saw something in me? Was I easy to bully bc i let yall do it time and time again?

We are going to drink as a group sunday. I am dying to get this off my chest.

IS OT BETTER TO SPEAK OR TO DIE OMG

I'm really trying my best not to lose it. But he's disappeared again without a word even when I've already said a simple gesture of telling me why or where would be better for me and lessen my hurt... just a simple little text would mean the world to me just to know he's okay...I have promised myself not to do sh again but it's really hard when none of my usual resets are working. Rn the urge is so strong I dont think i have any otther options left. I just want the torture to stop. I don't understand why and how to live with these feelings. Sometimes i think about leaving just to let myself breathe and finally be free but that's impossible for me because leaving would feel like the end of the world. I would rather get hurt again and again rather than lose him completely but god I'm so fucking tired I can't take it anymore :(

Usually when I split I will isolate and be a total wreck on my own, I will struggle to find ways to soothe myself.
However, nowadays I will usually look at pictures of my bf and it calms me down. Sometimes I’m splitting because of him cuz he’s busy and I wish we’d text more tho I know he’s busy. But I still enjoy checking pictures of him and fangirling about how cute he is.
Anyways, I just wanted to write this thought down I guess.

I have never gotten over an FP by myself and this healthily before. There was no splitting but there was definitely some mild demonising (idk what the word is when you stop putting them on a pedestal and start viewing them negatively instead). I don't actually see them negatively - they are just a very normal friend to me now. I was so so proud of myself.

Part of the reason I was able to get over this fp was a realisation (from like a week ago) that all my fps have had a personality reminiscent of my abusive mother. Not saying my fps have been abusive just that I have been attracted to people who could fill this volatile but addictive attachment need in me and I was in this constant cycle of perpetuating my own childhood abuse dynamics onto myself. It was a huge revelation for me and it understandably brought up some really hard feelings and I have been slowly working through them. In this discomfort though I realised that I really have no one to comfort me. And I don't have this feeling of safety and connection that having an fp once gave me.

I think I am in distress more than anything and I can't really control my behaviour rn. Over the last few days I have not been able to stop trying to just have chats with so many different people or watching videos or spending time on here. I think i'm trying to fill the FP void or trying not to sit with the discomfort. I can't concentrate. I need to be applying for jobs but I can't. I feel numb. A little unmoored. I just feel so unsteady and it has occurred to me that maybe this is because it is just an adjustment/processing period but I am also worried that I can't go without an FP.

Idk what i'm asking tbh I think I just need someone to reassure me that I can exist without an fp? I can't tell for sure but I don't think I have ever not had one. I also lost the last few months because of this FP. They gave me things as well, that I enjoy but I lost sight of myself and a lot of things that I love just trying to be someone they liked rather than myself.

I know I've not been healthy and i'm probably just spiraling. I've had a rough few months and revelation after revelation. Its all been a bit much. I've also had a cold, my period is coming any day now and due to some weather things I have not been able to go outside and breathe fresh air or exercise for about a week now. I let my routine slip. I know all these things I just want to know I can exist without an fp or without someone in my life who makes me feel this way. I don't think i've ever had that. And I logically really want that. But then I also think...will I never feel close to anyone if I successfully never have an fp again?

Im posting here because I am hoping to hear from fellow people w/BPD. As the title states, I [30F] have been with my fiance [39M] for seven years. Over the years I have had a lot of unsuccessful battles with my disorder which he has always stood by me throughout.

Before I sought a diagnosis and therapy, I would become very emotionally abusive while episodic. The things I said to him were evil and inexcusable. The fallout after would always lead to the same conversation.

A few months ago I started intensive DBT which has changed everything. But then I also discovered that he was chatting with people online. I am feeling betrayed and there is no excuse for responding to my behavior/feelings of loneliness with these actions. But can anyone relate to being mutually problematic and understanding where a partner may have been coming from when they made a horrible decision in the wake of your own actions?

I’m not saying he was right at all and we are currently working on the logistics of an amicable breakup (we have a home together and many pets, I make considerably more money at this time and we only have one vehicle). We are sitting down for a discussion and to exchange letters in a few days time and as I type my document to give to him, I realize he probably felt all the same emotions I did when I treated him like shit and used my episodes as an excuse to do so. I have realized a lot through my therapy. I have not been a good partner either.

There are so many complex layers here and my wheels are just turning. He opted to stay through my episodes because he knew I could achieve my goals and get mentally healthier. But at what cost? Why not tell me you had urges to seek validation elsewhere?

Almost all my interests are attached to my fp or close friends. If they were not in my life anymore, i could drop all those things in an instant easily.

I have no dreams, i only work and study because i have to. I feel no emotional connection to anything i do purely for myself. I feel like i do not exist outside of other people. I am so hollow that i take my personality from everyone else. My friends and fp have noticed, but they don't understand how deep it really goes or why

(25, F) I screamed at my boyfriend 2 weeks ago. Then I got really mad and broke some stuff. And now I can’t stop screaming every time we argue. And can’t stop throwing stuff, it scares him. I cuss at him, and tell him he’s horrible… I hate it. I, I just can’t seem to stop.

And it tears me down, because it’s been almost 2 years since I was like this. I used to have everything under control. I acted against emotions, I paused and breathe everytime I was angry, sad, insecure. I was so proud of not being what I used to be….

Now it all came back. I’m slowly turning into everything I swore I wouldn’t be anymore.

I’m so tired if being this way, it’s exhausting. And I just cant seem to stop. It sucks because my psychiatrist won’t give me any meds because she says there are no medication for BPD, and my psychologist is not really treating me for BPD. I starting to choose not to control my impulses. It scares me.

I don’t want to be the monster I used to be.

Hello BPD friend
Anyone with BPD suffering with SH and SI , and if yes what medication are you taking that helps ease the symptoms? Would love to hear about your experiences and how do you feel after the medication

i have been doing an outpatient program for about a month now. i also haven’t seen my partner for a month until yesterday. they have been witness & victim to many of my outbursts/episodes. since starting my program & new meds, i’ve felt like i was making a lot of progress in terms of logical thinking & regulation. but yesterday i let my jealousy & insecurity get the best of me & today i fell apart in front of my partner. i felt like i wanted to focus on each other in the time we were spending together after not seeing each other for a month, but that they were not fully present with me. they claimed that i was in my bpd mindset of believing i can’t be loved & that i lack awareness in these situations. they said some hurtful things but i know it was from a lack of patience in the moment. in the past this would have made me spiral, i would have hurt myself or drank. but i don’t have that urge, i just want to be closer to my partner & make up for the hurt. i thought i was regulating well until i felt rejected & insecure. this bpd diagnosis is fairly new to me but i guess what i’m describing is part of splitting. i’m trying to be present. i wish i didn’t exhaust my partner with my insecurity of feeling unloved. i know we can be so hypercritical of ourselves we think its awareness. i want to help make my partner aware of splitting without using it as an excuse. i will be discussing this in therapy but just wanted to get off of my chest because i’m disappointed in myself after feeling like i have been making progress, but i know the path is not linear

Hey guys,

so for a while I have this conflict in my head on how to approach BPD and life in general.

Should I focus on what I can do in the present or should I try to integrate the past?

I have tried both. DBT focuses a lot on the here and now and mindfulness practices helped me a lot. But there is always this lingering thought that its just a more healthy way of dissociation of my real internal problems.

I have also tried to go into past memories but this just fucked me up for good. I became so resentful, guilty, ashamed and became way more disfucntional than before.

Of course a big problem is/was that I had not adequate enough help from psychologists to help me do this in a healthy way due to overloaded systems and money problems.

But even in psychotherapy it seems like those are the too camps in general:

Camp one: All your problems are from past experiences and we have to heal those.

Camp two: the only productive way is focusing what you can do in the present internally or externally to get better.

Would like to hear your thoughts on this.

I was thinking right now. I am struggling a lot in my relationship because just the things I would expect from my partner my intended husband doesn’t align with how he thinks and is wired. Especially around responsibilities before marriage we’re planning on getting married. It was supposed to be December but now he told me more like January February, and basically to him if we’re not married, I’m not his responsibility at all and at times it leaves me feeling very lonely, which I have told him. Granted I’m tying to respect that but at the same time the way I would love my favorite person to understand and love me in the way I like being loved. So I was wondering what if I just find somebody else with BPD and they be my favorite person and then I could still be in this relationship without feeling so empty at times.

Has anyone figured out why they latch onto the people that they do?

I’m trying to break the cycle of having FPs, and in order to do that, I gotta figure out what I’m getting from them. But it feels so random. I don’t know how to describe it, I just INSTANTLY feel an intense bond with some people, even before really getting to know them.

It’s not just because they show me love and care. I have multiple friends who do that, but the feeling is not the same at all. It doesn’t feel addictive like it does with an FP.