I am a 29 year old virgin guy who never had a girlfriend. I only received rejections in real life (in night clubs, bars, friend groups, hobby groups). I've been also using dating apps since 2016 and only went on 4 first dates that lead to nowhere. Since 2023, I didn't even have a single match.

At the end of August, I went to a Latin American country during my annual leave. I was using the dating apps and I matched with many women that I found gorgeous. They were all calling me handsome and wanted to see me. However, I didn't have time to date because of the touristic attractions and I was all the time with my local friend.

Now I am back in my home country and it drives me crazy that I couldn't date anyone in a country where I was highly desired. How do I deal with this feeling or suppress it?

Hello, I’m a 34M and she’s 29F. We were pretty good friends for a yearish or so where we would always joke around, talk daily for maybe 10 minutes-shes a bit introverted but always was super social with me and super jokey and friendly. all of a sudden out of nowhere it’s like she did a complete 360 and started acting really weird around me.

It also can correlate with when I got married, I felt like after that she started acting strange. But then again, I never told her I got married and she heard from around the office, I guess, and congratulated me on it.

She still smiles at me on occasion but she looks very shy and awkward whenever I come around and almost avoids me. Idk what happened and where the complete flip came around. I called her out on it in the beginning in a jokey way and she just laughed and said it’s because I became a manager, but it’s gotten weirder since. She’s still social with everyone else? What happened here?

I have a stall at my schools marketplace that was going to be sumo wrestling and I bought the suits and everything but they said it’s to dangerous so I can do an obstacle course instead. How on earth do I make this happen. I can borrow some stuff from the gym like tires and the like ladder thingy on the ground and cones but I want it to be big and span like the whole oval? Or at least half. And there needs to be two lanes so people can vs eachother. Any ideas?

I'm currently in Grade 12, and I've noticed a big change in myself since Grade 10 going into Grade 11.

Back then, I could motivate myself to work hard. I trained for basketball, studied, and worked on my animations consistently. Eventually, I experienced burnout, but I managed to get some of my motivation back.

Now, though, I struggle to start almost anything. I want to improve at basketball, make the team, grow my storytime animation channel, and do well in school, but I keep putting things off and spending hours watching Instagram Reels instead.

The frustrating part is that I understand the consequences. I know that if I keep living this way, I might miss out on the future I want. I don't want to look back and regret wasting my time, but even knowing that doesn't seem to help me take action.

I've also realized that a lot of my old motivation came from proving people wrong and caring about what others thought of me. As I've grown older, I've stopped caring as much about their opinions, and those reasons don't motivate me like they used to.

At the same time, I want to enjoy my life instead of constantly grinding, especially since life is unpredictable. But I still have goals I'm passionate about, and I don't want to give up on them.

I don't know whether I'm burned out, addicted to instant gratification, or dealing with something else entirely.

Has anyone experienced something similar? What helped you get out of this situation? I'm looking for genuine advice from people who've actually been through this, not just people telling me to be more disciplined.

basically, i (22M) recently graduated and have been working the same part time job since high school while i work on applications for a masters. i work 5 days a week, and this week, a friend from college invited me to an event on a day i was scheduled to work, and one of my coworkers had sent out an open request to cover a shift that day too. my issue is that i feel reluctant to give up the shift out of some odd guilt.

i don’t even know why i feel guilty. i think im a good employee. i do what im asked, ill switch positions if management needs me to, and i feel like im there more often then some of my other coworkers. its not like i think im gonna be fired, i have a nearly identical schedule the following week. but yet i still feel guilty about it.

i’m being offered a chance to see friends i haven’t really been able to see in months, why do i feel guilty about giving up one little shift to do what i would enjoy and how do i stop feeling so bad about it?

Hello everyone!
I don't really know where to begin, but I need advice from people outside my family. I feel torn between the love I have for my mother, my desire to make her proud by following the path she has chosen for me, and my own desire to choose my future.
A few months ago, I graduated from high school with good results, and I wanted to study computer science. This has been my dream since childhood because I've always been fascinated by the field. I've always been good at mathematics, and I'm particularly interested in cybersecurity.
I've already talked to my mother about my dream, and she was happy about the idea of me becoming a computer scientist. Unfortunately, things have changed, and my mother now wants me to study hospitality and tourism.
She believes this path could offer me good career opportunities and financial stability. I understand her concerns, and I know she probably wants me to succeed and have a comfortable life. I don't think she's deliberately trying to make me unhappy.
However, she seems to have forgotten that I had already told her about my dream. She has even enrolled me in an expensive school specializing in hospitality.
The problem is that I don't want to study hospitality simply because it's the path my mother prefers for me.
I feel as though my future is being decided for me before I've even had the chance to start building the life I want.
Some people might tell me to study computer science later, but I'm afraid that it might never happen.
When I tried to convince my mother that computer science was what I truly wanted, things became very difficult. Sometimes, she would physically punish me, leaving bruises. She would also put me down, telling me that I wasn't capable enough or that I wasn't good enough for that field. She eventually made it clear that she wouldn't spend any money on my computer science education.
I'm still a minor, so I can't simply get a job and pay for my own studies.
I tried looking for comfort and support from other family members, including my aunt, uncle, and cousins, as well as my friends. Unfortunately, they all seemed to agree with my mother. They told me to abandon my dream because it was unrealistic, and some even said that computer science wasn't a field for girls.
It hurts so much to feel that the people around me don't believe in something that has mattered to me since childhood.
I eventually gave in and agreed to study hospitality, but I didn't do it because I had stopped wanting to study computer science. I did it because I felt like I had no other choice.
I'm afraid that the dream I've carried since childhood will become nothing more than a memory, something I'll regret never having had the chance to pursue.
I know computer science is a challenging field. I'm not expecting everything to be easy, and I understand that it takes hard work to succeed. But I genuinely want to pursue it, and it hurts to feel that I might have to give up on it without even getting the opportunity to try.
I love my mother, and I understand that she may have her reasons for wanting me to choose hospitality. I don't want to hurt her or create more conflict within my family. But I also don't want to spend my life wondering what would have happened if I'd been given the chance to follow my own dream.
I'm struggling to accept that the future I've imagined for myself might never happen, simply because I don't have the freedom or financial means to choose it right now.
So I would really appreciate your advice.
If you were in my situation, with your family opposed to your dream and no financial independence, what would you do?
How would you approach this situation without making the conflict with your mother worse, while still trying to preserve the possibility of pursuing your chosen career?
Have any of you experienced something similar, where you felt forced to give up a dream because of your family's expectations? How did you handle it, and what would you do differently?
I'm not asking anyone to insult my mother or tell me that she's a terrible person. I understand that she may want what's best for me. I'm simply asking for advice because I don't know how to deal with this situation anymore.
I want to make my family proud, but I also want to have a future that I chose for myself.
Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read my story and share their advice. ❤️

I (34F) have heard alot of people say 'everything' shower and I have no idea what this means.

Isn't every shower an everything shower? I can wash my body, wash my hair, wash my face, shave everything in about 5-10mins. Am I washing wrong? Am I shaving too much? But how can you stand prickles growing so dont you just have to shave everytime?

If I dont wash my hair, the next day is a oily mess. Im so confused. I dont know if Im doing shower things wrong or if this is just a young slang and im too old to keep up.

Can someone please explain this to me?

I (20F) have worked with my manager (36M) for over a year now and it's clear he's wanting to have a romantic relationship with me. The first time it came up was pretty early on, we get along well, hes a bubbly friendly guy who can be pretty childish and usually that makes work more fun because he's more laid back and playful for a manager. But he started to make comments about our interactions feeling "like a date", and he kept bringing up past relationships. I figured he was just rebounding after a recent breakup and kept deflecting the comments. Eventually he was more forward and ended up calling me to the office to ask me out, I rejected him (politely) and said I think we're better as work friends. He took it pretty well but over the next few weeks he seemed to sulk and be really self depreciating. I backed off in that time but felt like the awkwardness was just making him more upset so I tried to be more bubbly and playful to cheer him up and get him back to his usual self. It seemed to work but then he tried to pursue me again. This has been the cycle for the last year, if i back off he gets sad, if I'm friendly he thinks I'm flirting (I'm not). Over time I think it really wore on me, I felt like everything I was doing was hurting him and I had a lot on my plate across the year as it was so i think at times I let my guard down. I let him vent, he'd listen on my bad days, we'd talk outside of work about films and tv shows but if i withdrew at any point I was suddenly being "cold". Even if i explained i had things going on outside of work that was on my mind. I just felt like I was justifying everything all the time, I was treading on eggshells because I felt like a bch for rejecting him, I would constantly second guess myself, if I really am sending mixed messages. He told me recently that he tried to kill himself the other week. I didnt know how to help or what to say, I don't know if he said it like it was because of me? Or like it's was a part of why he wanted to do that to himself, he's vented to me about his breakdowns, about him hurting himself and if i try and push him to get support he brushes it off and says he'll be fine. He compliments me for being caring but it just makes me feel so much dread. I think down the line I got mean, I'd let him vent and I'd be supportive as an employee and a friend, but I'd also banter with him. It would always be a jokey tone but sometimes I'd be surprised about how blunt my humour was getting, maybe I was still deflecting when I felt myself getting uncomfortable by how he was behaving with me. When he would be trying to flirt and I'd say something blunt and dismissive in a jokey tone. It would annoy him and I could feel him resent me bit by bit each time. But I'd already tried to reject him respectfully several times, and i just didnt know what to do anymore, if i was happy it was flirty, if i was sad I was cold, if im caring im leading him on, if im distant I'm messing with his head (he's said that ive messed with his head.) I'm just at a loss, I want to leave but I have to get through this season, so just putting in my notice isnt an option right now. What can I do?? I've been as clear as I can and I just dont want to feel like some horrible bch everytime I try and distance myself

A family member reached out last week asking for something fairly big. It is not a dangerous request or anything illegal, but it would take a lot of my time and mental energy. Honestly, I already feel stretched thin with work and other obligations, and taking this on would mean rearranging a lot of things. I care about this person and want to be supportive, but I also know my limits. I am not great at setting boundaries and I worry that saying no will create tension or make me seem selfish. At the same time, agreeing out of guilt could leave me resentful later. I am trying to figure out how to respond kindly without over-committing. If anyone has dealt with a similar situation, I would really appreciate hearing what helped you decide what to say.

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I (17F) need some advice about my relationship because I genuinely don't know how to deal with these thoughts anymore.

Me and my (17M) boyfriend dated for 7 months now, when my boyfriend and I first started dating, he had a bunch of girls on his Instagram, and some of them were OnlyFans models. It made me really uncomfortable, especially because I started overthinking why he was following so many girls like that while he was in a relationship with me.

The thing that hurt me the most was finding out that he had a second Instagram account. When I told him that I was uncomfortable with the girls he followed on his main account and asked him to delete them, he ended up sending their accounts to his second account so he could still look at them there.

That honestly damaged my trust in him. It wasn't just about him following other girls anymore. It was the fact that I thought he had listened to my concerns, only to find out that he had found another way to keep looking at them. He told me that he felt guilty about what he did and that he eventually stopped. I want to believe him, but I still think about what happened, and I can't seem to move on from it.

Now, I find myself having intrusive thoughts about him looking at other girls again. I'm uncomfortable with the number of female friends he has, and I get paranoid that he might be looking at girls behind my back or doing something similar again without me knowing. I don't want to seem controlling but I keep finding myself asking him who he talks to, what he does and who he goes out with each time.

Sometimes, even when nothing is happening, my mind goes back to what I discovered at the beginning of our relationship. I start wondering whether I can genuinely trust him or whether I'm just being naive by believing that he has changed. He has a problem with lying too, and I genuinely feel so overwhelmed with everything.

I don't want to spend my relationship constantly worrying about other girls. I don't want to become controlling, constantly check his social media, or feel like I have to compete with other women for my boyfriend's attention. Because I find myself looking through his following list every week, And it is taking a toll on me.

I want to know how I can stop these thoughts from taking over my mind. How do I distinguish between my own insecurity and a genuine concern about my boyfriend's behaviour? How can I rebuild trust in him without constantly feeling paranoid?

And, honestly, if you were in my position, would you be able to move past something like this? What would you need from your partner to feel secure in the relationship again?

I'd really appreciate honest advice, especially from people who have experienced something similar.

I m worried about his wellbeing. He told me his family takes away his electronics. Last week we had a horrible fight, the worst ever. we both said really awful things to eachother. we were then okay, playing games and decided on a break so playing games and having fun but... last night... i asked him if he fulfilled his promise.... he didnt. i was angry he always broke it for 6 months continously but he was visiting his parents and i broke up with him and blocked him on whatsapp. I emailed him, whenever we fight we email eachother ... i asked him if he is ok and he hasnt responded. His family knows we have been fighting for months. I try not to cry but he cries a lot and he told me his family blames me despite having context its natural for them to be bias and so the last week fight was reallly bad. really really bad. i exploded. he said hurtful things i said it back. i didnt want to disturb my neighbours so he would say t\stuff on call and i would text... when i look back. it looooks so horrible. I m scared what if his parents are angry with him. He never ghosts me. But... i scared. i would rather we never talk then me being left worried if he is okay or not.

Hi. I'm autistic and a highschool freshman (I don't live in the US) and I really want to make friends. I'm not very fond of my classmates (though I interact with them fine) so I really want to look into extracurriculars... There's no school clubs for me to get into since we don't really do that here.

I like art and literature and I'd prefer something like parallel play. I find it really awkward to go up to people and talk with them for the sole purpose of talking to them so I want something that I can discuss. I'd also prefer something calmer and more slow paced. Any recommendations?

I (M20) go to this restaurant somewhat often with my family. There’s a hostess that I’ve seen there a few times and I think she’s cute but idk how old she is, if she’s single, or anything about her. I was there a few weeks ago with one of my friends and she apparently remembered that and asked if it was a table for two again but I said no cause I was with my family. I can’t remember exactly but I think she said something like “oh I’m wrong again” or something. She was smiling and I think she was laughing. She seemed super nice but idk if that’s cause of me or just cause she’s working.

I’d wanna try to talk to her but I have no idea how, or if I should. I can’t tell if there’s any chance she’s interested or if she was just being nice. The only thing I was surprised by was her remembering me because the last time I was there was three weeks ago I think.

Freshman in college, birthday coming up. I don’t know if I’m too old to be throwing a party but I was telling my friends that it makes me sort of sad we never really celebrated my birthday growing up so they said I should throw one for myself. I can’t really back out now because two of my friends who were going to go home for the weekend are now staying to celebrate. However, I have like 5 friends I can think of to invite maybe 6. 4 of them are really close and 1 of them doesn’t know the rest so I’m worried it’ll be awkward.

Anyways, that feels too small and I don’t even know what to do. Do I buy myself a cake I don’t know the etiquette for this stuff? Is that sad? Growing up I got socks and a pat on the back for my birthday I don’t know what I’m doing I’m worried it’ll be bad and awkward. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things I know, but I’d appreciate advice on wether I should I try to do this?

TLDR;
I feel no form of grief when people in my life die. But somehow, I’ll shed tears for a character in a movie. How can I fix this?

Every time a person or pet in my life dies, I don’t grieve in the same way everyone else does. I know grief is supposed to be different for everyone, but I don’t even think what I experience is even grief at all.

My pet passed while I was away at college recently, and I wasn’t there when it happened. I can’t help but sense I should have felt something about not being there for her in her final moments. I should have missed her, been upset, shed a few tears, been thinking about her for days on end. But when I got the call all I felt was a bit of disappointment that I wouldn’t see her again and that was it- the moment passed and I don’t really feel any sort of way when I think about her now.

I also had a family member pass away a few months back, and all I can remember feeling (and I know how horrible this sounds) was annoyed. Going to the funeral meant having to miss school, travel out of state, and pretend to feel emotions I wasn’t feeling at all in front of the rest of the family the whole time. I honestly feel like I had more compassion (even though it was slight) for my pet than I did a human being.

I’m not even sure what exactly causes this, because when I see people die in movies or shows, I will feel so many more emotions and even cry at times. But for people I actually know, I don’t feel this in the slightest.

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone can relate to this? Is this a bad part of myself I should keep to myself, or is it something I should work on?

I’ve gone through 3 pairs of wireless Bluetooth earbuds (two AirPods and one pair of Sonys) and they all break in the same way: some piece of hardware inside (maybe the microphone or something) gets damaged, causing the sound coming out of the earbud to be way quieter than it should be and loaded with static.

As far as I can tell this is caused by me sleeping with them in (I listen to asmr content to fall asleep to) and laying on top of the ear with the bud inside.

Is there anyway to stop this from happening again or do I just have to stop listening to stuff in bed?

Hi everyone,
I’m writing here because I’m going through a situation that, to be honest, is starting to take quite a toll on me, both personally and professionally. I’d really appreciate some advice from anyone who may have been through something similar.
Basically, I work in the same office as a girl I’ve dated on two separate occasions. Both times, things ended badly, even though we had come very close to starting a proper relationship.
The main problem is that I still have strong feelings for her, probably stronger than I’d like to admit.
After the second time we dated, she gradually started cutting off all contact with me, to the point where she now barely speaks to me unless it’s strictly necessary for work-related matters.
What hurts me the most is that the second time things ended partly because she had started talking to her ex again. On top of that, lately I’ve noticed her being quite friendly and familiar with another male colleague at the company.
Obviously, I’m fully aware that she’s free to do whatever she wants and that she doesn’t owe me anything. But I’d be lying if I said that witnessing certain interactions doesn’t hurt.
I’m also aware that some people might say I brought this on myself, and to some extent, I agree. Especially the second time around, I was the one who decided to give things another chance, even though I knew perfectly well what the consequences could be if things went wrong again.
The issue is that this situation is now starting to have a real impact on my work.
I’m finding it much harder to concentrate, I get distracted constantly, and I catch myself thinking about her and everything that happened between us. Most importantly, I feel like I’m no longer able to perform at the level I used to.
And that’s probably one of the things that bothers me the most, because I genuinely care about my job, and the last thing I want is for a personal situation to negatively affect my professional growth and career.
I realize that the best solution would probably be to distance myself emotionally, stop dwelling on everything, and move on.
I don’t want to change jobs because of this situation, but at the same time, I can’t keep feeling like this.
So I’d like to ask: has anyone here ever experienced something similar, especially in the workplace?
How did you manage to get through it? Do you have any practical advice on how to regain some peace of mind, improve my concentration, and, most importantly, stop feeling hurt every day when I have to see someone I still have feelings for?

A close friend of mine recently shared that a conversation we had about a month ago made him question our friendship. He told me that he had genuinely considered whether he should remove me from his life entirely or give me the benefit of the doubt and view my comments as ignorance rather than malice.
The topic of our conversation, you may ask? Immigration.

My approach was simply to ask questions and understand the why behind certain perspectives. However, what I intended to be an engaging conversation may have come across as an attack on him personally as an immigrant. That was never my intention, and it genuinely makes me sad that my words made him feel that way.

What has been weighing on me the most, though, is the thought that he considered cutting me off completely, as if I were replaceable or expendable. That feeling doesn't sit well with me. When I consider someone a close friend, I believe the bond we share is worth protecting. For me, the things that would fundamentally break that bond would be someone saying something truly hateful or hurtful about me, physically harming me, or harming someone I love. Having a difficult conversation or disagreeing on certain topics, especially when you know the person's heart and character, doesn't seem like something that should automatically end a friendship.

My friend mentioned that he has moved past the situation, but he also shared that, for about a week afterward, he felt depressed and sad about our conversation. I sincerely apologized and explained that I never intended to make him feel that way. I also asked him to communicate with me when I say or do something that hurts him or touches on a sensitive subject. My thinking is that if I'm unaware that something I've said is hurtful, how can I recognize it, learn from it, and make an effort to change that behavior?

I understand that good intentions don't always prevent us from hurting people, and I'm not trying to dismiss his feelings. At the same time, I think friendship requires room for honest conversations, misunderstandings, accountability, and growth.
I guess what I'm trying to figure out now is how to move forward without allowing this situation to affect our friendship. How do I reconcile the fact that someone I consider a close friend could question our entire relationship over a conversation I never intended to be hurtful? And how do I continue being comfortable expressing my thoughts and asking questions without feeling like one wrong conversation could cost me a friendship?

I value this friendship, and I don't want this situation to create distance between us. But I also want to understand how to navigate these moments in a way that allows both of us to feel heard, respected, and safe enough to be honest with each other.

I’ve never been in such a bad place until now. I’m the eldest daughter and the breadwinner. I am usually very goal driven and would find ways to remove blocks no matter how hard life gets. The last time I was depressed and having very dark thoughts was in 2013, when I was juggling being a breadwinner after my parents have separated, and performing well at a new company. I went into therapy and healed my relationship with family because I wanted to be a healed kind loving mother in the future creating a peaceful home with my partner. Then I went into a 10 year relationship thinking his family was the family that I never had but my ex had no dreams, no career goal, and relied on me the entire relationship. He never took care of his health and I knew we were never going to have kids. We got married and a year into the relationship, I knew I was going to grow old unhappy. He didn’t know how to hold me at my lowest and expected me to still pull my self together. When my first redundancy at work hit, he didn’t know how to support me emotionally and financially and so after almost 2 years into marriage, I separated with him and filed for an annulment. Afterwards, I rebuilt my self again. I lost weight and thought I got more vibrant. I also had work opportunity shortly after and in the last two years I was healing and was devoted to sports.

And then all of a sudden, my role was made redundant again. My world is crashing, my walls are getting smaller. The properties I purchased and paying monthly are now at risk, the safe space that I built I might potentially move out of, and I might not be able to afford my annulment fees if I can’t find work soon. Everything is just one battle after another and I’m depleted, exhausted with every challenge thrown at me. It doesn’t seem to make sense now and my only dream of having kids and a family of my own just keeps getting harder to reach. I don’t know how to start over again and I’m just drowning with negative thoughts. Could you give me some advice how to get back on my feet? It feels different now than everything I’ve gone through.

We both meet daily through an online class.So what could be the signs ??

My girlfriend has what we suspect to be some form of hypersexuality. She told me she gets these intrusive thoughts about having sexual intimacy with other people which she finds horrifying and she has reassured me that it’s not because of me and that this has been a thing for her even before we started dating but I am her first partner and now that she still has these thoughts she feels disgusted in herself. Can you guys give me any advice on how I can comfort her about this? It really doesn’t make me love her any less, I know these thoughts are involuntary. I just want her to feel a bit better about this and maybe help us work through this together. I’m really not sure how I’d begin to work through this or what would help but I just need advice in general. I love her more than anything and want to assure that she’s always safe with me

I'm unable to feel joy, pleasure, connection, a "high" from anything I do and it makes it so I can only see the bad in life. I have no beauty keeping me uplifted. I'm so negative bc nothing ever produces good results for me, no matter the therapy or med I try.

How does one cope and move through the day like this?

I also have schizophrenia and don't work, so I'm either lying down hallucinating or lying down zoning out.

I have nothing to live for without any joy.

How can I make it so I don't turn into the Grinch?

Today I moved into a new house that’s 650 square feet bigger than my last place and had a couple friends help move my stuff. After my friends saw my new place, one of them insinuated that him and his girlfriend should move in to help pay rent. I just laughed and didn’t respond, as we were in the middle of the move, but now it’s really bothering me and I’m not sure if I should say something or just wait until he asks later.

Their current living situation is falling apart and they live pretty dirty and pretty much smoke and drink all evening after work. They also fight a lot and are very draining socially so the last thing I’d want is to live with them. They are good friends and times are tough but it’s hard to sympathize when they aren’t doing anything to improve their situation besides the bear minimum.

Is it just me or is it uncalled for to make this assumption? He said it like he’d be doing me a favor also but I don’t need their help nor want to live with them. I’m not sure if I should just message him now so he doesn’t think that’s an option in the future.

There have been multiple times where it has come up in passing that my (23F) boyfriend (23M) has some sort of dark secret he is keeping from me. He has mentioned that he told his closest friend about it before.

What is bothering me is we have known each other for multiple years since grade school and have been dating for 7 months now. We see ourselves getting married and making a family and everything. He mentioned that he has has opened up to his best friend about it before but for some reason refuses to tell me. It would be different if I knew it was something that happened to him but rather, through context clues I know that it’s something he has done.

The other day I jokingly mentioned that we should share the worst thing we have ever done based off of this movie we watched where the characters did that and he almost immediately said no. I told him that I do have a secret and he just said “no no you don’t have to tell me. just take it to the grave”.

Should I have a serious sit down conversation with him about how I’m growing increasingly concerned? I don’t know it’s just so odd to me and it’s throwing me off. I don’t know if I’m setting myself up by really wanting to know now. I feel like if I want to marry him and have kids with him, I would want to know something like that

I (20F) have been dating my boyfriend (20M) for around eight months. We are in a serious relationship and have discussed moving in together, getting married, and having children in the future.
However, for the past four months, we’ve been arguing constantly about his friends, especially a girl I’ll call Val, who has been his friend for five years.
I’m writing this because I genuinely need outside perspectives. I love my boyfriend, but I’m exhausted, confused, and starting to question whether our relationship is healthy.
The problems with his friends
My boyfriend has a close group of friends, including Val and another friend I’ll call Dylan.
Over the past few months, several incidents have made me feel deeply disrespected.
Dylan made racist and extremely offensive comments involving my deceased father. My father died when I was 13, so this was particularly hurtful.
Val has also insulted me multiple times, including after I suffered a miscarriage. She has called me toxic, made comments about me not having friends, mocked my past romantic experiences, and criticized me to my boyfriend.
She has also insulted one of my own friends.
I felt humiliated, especially because my boyfriend continued being close to these people.
To be completely transparent, I haven’t always behaved perfectly either. I’ve criticized his friends and said negative things about them, particularly when I was angry or hurt.
However, I did this privately. I didn’t directly contact them to insult them or attack them personally.
I understand that criticizing someone’s friends can still be hurtful, and I’m willing to acknowledge my responsibility in these conflicts.
Why his friendship with Val bothered me
Val and my boyfriend have been friends for approximately five years.
They regularly texted, spent time together, and went on outings.
At first, I tried to accept their friendship. I don’t believe that men and women can’t be friends, and I don’t want my boyfriend to have no female friends.
But after the insults and everything that happened, I became increasingly uncomfortable with their closeness.
For example, he continued spending time with her even after knowing how much the situation was affecting me.
He went to her horse-riding activities, and they continued communicating frequently.
At one point, I discovered messages between them where he complained about our relationship.
He told her things along the lines of:
“She controls my friendships.”
“I’m not happy, but I don’t want to leave her.”
Meanwhile, she was criticizing me too.
This was particularly painful because I felt that he was sharing our private relationship problems with someone who had repeatedly disrespected me.
There were also situations where I felt he wasn’t completely honest about their communication.
Over time, my trust started deteriorating.
Four months of arguments
For approximately four months, we repeatedly argued about Val.
I explained that I didn’t feel comfortable with how close they were, especially after the insults.
He kept defending their friendship and telling me that nothing inappropriate was happening.
He eventually promised to establish boundaries, but I didn’t feel that much changed.
I started feeling like I had to constantly explain why certain situations hurt me.
I also want to mention that he previously asked me to stop communicating with someone from my romantic past.
I respected his request, even though it was emotionally difficult.
Because of that, I struggled to understand why he considered my concerns about Val unreasonable.
His younger brother, his younger brother’s girlfriend, and his parents have also expressed concerns about the situation.
I know their opinions don’t automatically prove that my perspective is correct, but it reassured me that I wasn’t the only person finding the situation uncomfortable.
The incident that changed everything
A few days ago, I discovered a conversation between my boyfriend and Val.
Apparently, Val had gained weight and sent him a picture of her thighs to show him.
I didn’t read the entire conversation, so I don’t know every detail or exactly how the subject came up.
However, I saw his response.
He wrote in French:
“C’est incroyable les grosses cuisses vraiment.”
Which roughly translates to:
“Thick thighs are genuinely amazing.”
I was extremely upset.
I understand that discussing weight gain with a friend can be completely innocent.
However, considering their history, I felt that sending him a picture specifically of her thighs was inappropriate.
His response made me even more uncomfortable because it sounded like he was expressing physical appreciation for her body.
When I confronted him, he insisted that it wasn’t cheating and that he hadn’t done anything particularly serious.
I explained that even if he didn’t consider it cheating, I still felt betrayed.
We argued for approximately two hours.
Eventually, we called two mutual friends, a man and a woman, to ask for their opinions.
Both agreed that the interaction was strange and inappropriate, particularly given everything that had already happened between us.
The ultimatum
After months of arguments, I reached a point where I felt I couldn’t continue dealing with this situation.
I told him that if he wanted to remain friends with Val and keep her on social media, he was free to do so, but I wouldn’t be able to continue our romantic relationship.
I wasn’t trying to force him to stay with me.
I genuinely felt that I couldn’t remain in a relationship where I constantly felt disrespected and anxious about the same person.
However, I understand that giving someone an ultimatum about a friendship is a serious thing.
His reaction made me feel terrible.
He kept saying things like:
“We’ve been friends for five years.”
“My life is going to suck without Val.”
“I’m just going to stay locked inside my house.”
He explained that most of his outings involved Val and another friend, Ylan, and that without Val, he wouldn’t really go out anymore.
I felt incredibly guilty.
I started wondering whether I was ruining his social life and taking away someone important to him.
I was also upset because while I was trying to explain how much the previous months had hurt me, I felt that the conversation focused mainly on what he would lose.
Eventually, he decided to delete and block Val on every platform.
But things haven’t improved the way I expected.
Instead of feeling relieved, I feel guilty and emotionally exhausted.
I know that losing a five-year friendship can be painful.
I don’t expect him to celebrate losing someone who mattered to him.
But I also don’t think I should have to feel responsible for his entire social life.
His behavior afterward
Since blocking Val, my boyfriend has seemed noticeably colder toward me.
Normally, when we finish a phone call, he says something affectionate, like “kisses,” and we talk naturally about our days.
Now, he sometimes ends calls without saying anything affectionate.
When I called him after work, as I normally do, he barely seemed interested in talking.
He asked when I would arrive home, but didn’t really engage in our usual conversation.
I eventually told him that I felt like he was making me pay for what happened.
He replied:
“I’m not making you pay for anything, but I’m not going to jump for joy either.”
I understand that he’s sad.
But I feel like his sadness has turned into emotional distance toward me.
I reminded him that when he asked me to stop talking to someone from my past, I was also sad, but I tried not to let that affect the way I treated him.
I don’t want him to pretend everything is fine.
I just want to feel that we’re still partners rather than opponents.
The conversation with his friend
Recently, I looked through his tablet while he was away.
I know this was an invasion of privacy. I’m not proud of doing it, and I recognize that it reflects how much my trust has deteriorated.
I found out that he had spoken to one of his male friends on the phone for approximately 30 minutes about the situation.
I don’t know what they discussed during the call.
However, I saw some messages afterward.
My boyfriend apologized to his friend about the situation.
His friend responded with something like:
“I’m not the person you should be apologizing to.”
There was also another message along the lines of:
“You’re going to tell her, but what exactly are you going to say?”
I don’t know exactly who they were talking about, and I don’t want to assume something without evidence.
Still, discovering that conversation made me anxious.
I started worrying that my boyfriend might secretly contact Val again.
And that fear scares me because I don’t want to become someone who constantly checks her partner’s phone.
My own responsibility
I want to make it clear that I don’t believe I’ve handled everything perfectly.
I’ve criticized his friends.
I’ve become increasingly jealous and suspicious.
I gave him an ultimatum.
I looked through his private messages.
And sometimes, during arguments, I’ve let my emotions influence how I communicate.
I understand that these behaviors can damage a relationship too.
I also understand that my boyfriend has a right to friendships and that losing someone he’s known for five years can be genuinely upsetting.
I don’t want him to be isolated.
I don’t want to control who he talks to.
And I don’t want a relationship where either of us feels trapped.
At the same time, I don’t think being in a relationship means accepting repeated disrespect, dishonesty, or situations that make you uncomfortable.
Where we stand now
I still love him.
I still want a future with him.
And I genuinely believe that I could gradually rebuild my trust if we both made consistent efforts.
But I don’t know how to move forward.
For four months, we’ve been arguing about the same person.
Now that she’s blocked, I thought things might finally improve.
Instead, I feel guilty, he seems unhappy, and our relationship feels more fragile than before.
I’m afraid he resents me for losing Val.
I’m afraid he might eventually contact her behind my back.
And I’m afraid that even if he doesn’t, I’ll continue worrying about it.
I don’t want to spend my relationship investigating my boyfriend’s behavior.
I want to feel loved, respected, and emotionally secure.
I also want him to feel happy and free to have friendships.
I just don’t know whether we’ve reached a point where too much damage has already been done.
What I need advice on:
How can I tell the difference between setting a reasonable relationship boundary and being controlling?
How would you interpret the picture of Val’s thighs and my boyfriend’s response, considering their history?
How much time and emotional space should I give him to process losing this friendship, while also addressing the coldness I’m experiencing?
How can we rebuild trust without checking each other’s phones or constantly questioning each other’s intentions?
How should we handle the resentment and guilt that seem to have developed on both sides?
Based on everything I’ve described, what would a healthy attempt at repairing this relationship actually look like?
I’m not looking for people to automatically agree with me.
I genuinely want constructive criticism, including about my own behavior.
I love my boyfriend, but I don’t want either of us to stay in a relationship where we’re constantly hurting each other.
Any advice would be appreciated.