I'm 47 and without my wife i have a complete lack of purpose . Like i have just zero to do. I've long stopped any hobbies years ago so people saying to do things doesn't help because i have zero interest.

W h at are you meant to do without a partner. Im programmed to be with her, its niot just the 15 years i was with her its the remainder of my next 30 years as well that have been taken. It took my whole life to find her. What the fuck do you do when it was only you and her, no kids pets friends, like seriously its just fucking complete nothingness. Do people just sit and stare and stare at a tv for the rest of their life? I dont understand how people do this

Oh how he loved to sing. He sang decades ago when we first met. Won a ton of karaoke contests over the years. Even when he wasn't feeling well he would belt out a beautiful song. He always sang at night before bed. I can't think of how many nights I fell asleep listening to that beautiful voice. Now the house is QUIET, OH SO QUIET. I have plenty of his songs on my phone and more I will get off of his computer.

But I feel like I torture myself listening to him sing - I put on the headphones, pick out a song and the next thing you know I am crying those body heaving sobs that are so hard to stop. It always starts with me missing him, so I load up a song and then I hear his voice and my body just has this visceral reaction of pain deep in my chest. That's when the crying starts.

Will I ever be able to listen to him say, "I love you Mary, this song is for you" without breaking down? I would think they would provide me with comfort but it hurts so fucking bad. I had 29 years with him and it wasn't enough. It never is enough for any of us I am sure. I cried so hard tonight I gave myself a headache. So now my head hurts, my eyes are raw and my chest aches for him so badly.

My husband wanted to start acting after he had his first cardiac arrest. His first time happened when he was 46 - that time his heart stopped for 29 minutes. They were doing everything thing they could to bring him back. I remember being in the room as they shocked him again and again and nothing happened. I had to leave the room. Finally they told me they got a thready heart beat and couldn't even load him in the ambulance until they got him stabilized. When I got to the hospital they told me that he had no brain function and he was on life support. They immediately did that procedure where they froze his body for 24 hours and then gradually warmed him up in an attempt to save his brain function. It worked!! He had long term and short term memory loss but that got better with time. When he turned 52 he started taking some acting classes. He still had problems with his short term memory but he said the acting would help him as he would have to memorize lines and that was good for his brain. After he took all those classes, he was cast in a movie that was out on Netflix. I can sit down and watch the movie any time I want but it doesn't bring me comfort, only pain. After that first movie he was in several cop shows (he just looked like a cop to the core, he wasn't one) and in a few of shows where it was simply re-enactments. He was so happy - finally someone flew us out to LA for him to be in a another movie. I'll never forget it - he was soooo sick on the way home. I had to push him in a wheelchair at the airport. His heart just wasn't in good enough shape. That was the last acting he did and it broke his heart but he had to tell his agent he just couldn't do it any more.

Shortly after getting back from LA we were getting ready for bed. Suddenly his pacemaker/defibrillator went off. I called 911 and this time it wasn't like the first time I had to call when I couldn't even think of our street address - this time I was spitting facts to get him help as soon as possible. He was in the background saying, " Mary I'm gonna die this time, I love you please remember that I love you" and then he would start screaming in pain again. It was constant. When we got to the hospital they read his device and told us the reason it was so relentless was because his heart would stop, he would get shocked, it would start up again and then instantly stop. Seven times at home his heart stopped, seven times he was brought back. The 8th time was in the ambulance and the 9th in the hospital. He needed an emergency bypass and got one. His recovery was a little shaky, it took him a bit longer to be released from the hospital but I was so happy he survived.

He was released from the hospital on December 22nd, by the 24th I was calling 911 again. He had collapsed. I get to the hospital and they have him on advanced life saving measures again. They said his heart bypass was considered a failure and he needed an emergency heart transplant. His ejection fraction was 5 yes 5 and they put an aortic balloon pump in and that made his EF 10. The next few days were a whirlwind of test and procedures and they told us on 12/29 that he was approved and on the top of the list. On New Years Eve (my birthday) I got the best gift ever - they had found a heart for him!!!

On New Years Day he got his new heart. I really thought things would be so much better for him. I was wrong. The first time I saw him post surgery his chest was still wide open Apparently it is not unusual for the transplanted heart to swell due to the trauma it goes through in the transplant. 24 hours later they were able to go back in and close him up.

The hospital had a extra bed/sofa and TV behind a curtain in his room so I was allowed to stay with him. On the 3rd of January his new heart stopped. Jesus Christ - they were doing CPR on him again. My world was falling apart. They got his new heart beating again and I was so relieved. That was until it stopped again on the 5th and I watched them doing CPR again. His poor chest. He still had had staples in his chest from the bypass when he got the heart transplant. They just popped off the staples and went back in. That is so much trauma for a body to go through. They figured out what it was - the new heart had 3rd degree heart block. That is where the top of the heart doesn't send electric signal (communicate) with the bottom of the heart. They had a fix for that - they put a pacer on his new heart and said that should more or less "jump start" the process. It didn't jump start it, but it did fix the problem. They had to go back in and put a pacer on the other side of his heart because if not, one side would have had to do a lot more then the other side and that wasn't good.

I was so relieved - they fixed the problem. Unfortunately, he soon developed kidney problems in his normally healthy kidneys and he went on dialysis. That was a real bad time - I started wondering if he would ever survive this. He finally came off the dialysis and that is when I just knew he was going to survive. I was so relieved. The next morning we were talking and I noticed his breathing seemed off. Well the doctors noticed it also and they told me that he had caught COVID in the Transplant ICU and that both of his lungs collapsed and he needed to go on a ventilator. Couldn't he catch a break? Well he was on the ventilator and had to get a tracheotomy but ultimately survived that scare.

All in all he was in the hospital for 8 months before he was finally released. I was with him for every night of that 8 months. He was so much weaker then he had ever been. Rail thin and he had to learn how to walk again - his muscles had wasted from him being in bed for so long. My husband was muscular -- when he was younger he had been in body building contests and even though he stopped going to the gym decades before that residual muscle was always there. Another thing that happened? His hair was jet black when he went in. When he woke up his hair was white - and he had a white beard. He said he felt like Rip Van Winkle. The nurses said they had seen it happen to other patients before although it was pretty rare.

I would like to say it was smooth sailing from there, but it wasn't. For the next three years he was in and out of the hospital numerous times but always bounced back. So If you are counting my husbands heart had stopped 12 times since this had all started. That is a whole lot of luck, and skill and divine intervention. He would joke and say that the Grim Reaper was scared of him because he came for him so many times and he just refused to die.

In August we went to the hospital so he could get a thorough check up. They tested everything, did his labs, sonogram and this time they even biopsied three pieces of this heart instead of the normal one. He got his results back - he passed everything with flying colors. We were so happy. When he first got released from the hospital I was scared to leave him alone and I wouldn't for the first 2 years. If I had to go ANYWHERE I made sure one of our kids was with him so I could grocery shop, etc.

Finally at the start of the 3rd year I relaxed some. l would leave him alone while I went to the store and then I started going over to our kids house on Sundays (they share a house because - cost of living) . They had taken a back burner while I focused on him and so I was giving our kids some much needed TLC on Sundays. We would hang out, watch Netflix, cook meals, talk and just have a good time. He would stay home with our dogs while I went there. He insisted I go because he knew how much I looked forward to it.

So a few Sundays ago I went over for the night as usual. He had a 3pm doctors appointment (One thing anyone who has had experience with a transplant will know is that the new normal is tons of doctor visits) the next day. I stayed at the kids house a bit later then normal that day - I was doing some work on my laptop. I texted him when I was on my way home to make sure he didn't forget about the appointment but I didn't get an answer. I figured he was in the shower or something.

I came in and the house was quiet, but our dogs were going crazy and jumping all over me and whining. I went down the hallway to talk to him and walked right by the office (his singing studio) to drop my stuff down in our bedroom and noticed he had fallen asleep in his chair. I went in to give him a kiss and my baby was dead. There was no missing it. He was relaxed, his hands were on the armrests in a relaxed posture. His eyes were closed. HIs face looked peaceful. There was no groping at his chest, grimacing, etc. WHY THE HELL DID I LEAVE HIM ALONE? Why did he go through all of that and then just die??

Every time things went south I was always on hand to call 911. How could he have just died when he always beat the odds? You know the night I left we were talking beforehand. He said, "I can't believe I am going to be 60 next year!" Then he said, "Hey that's our 30th anniversary too - next year is going to be a better year for us!" Next year will not be better. They asked me if I wanted an autopsy. I said no, they have already cut on him way to much and never again! I know it had to have been his heart but I don't understand how all of his test results had come back just fine.

He fought so hard to live. He went through hell and back to stay alive. I can't believe that he is gone. I miss him so damn much. My songbird has been silenced.

I'm having a bad day today, I just miss her so much.

It's been 4 years and sitting here at work looking at a picture of her because I don't want to do anything else, I can still feel her, I can feel her warm cheek as I run the back of my fingers down it like she liked me to, I can feel the mole on the left side of her forehead as I run my hand across it softly, feeling her bony shoulder under my hand as we lay together, her hand in mine fingers locked together while we sit and watch TV or go for a walk together.

The only way I can describe it is it's like a phantom pain, I can still feel every inch of her even after all this time but I can't physically touch her, it's so painful and i'm just so sad and lonely, I miss her so much.

I didnt protect her and i just cant live with it. She would be here if i wasnt so lazy and drinking. I still cant believe she is gone its been 8 months now. I am on medication i do therapy.

I have a boring job, i just have nothing to live for. I feel sick all the time and scared to just be alive. I feel like im just waiting to find the courage because i simply can not be here without her in this constant agony. There is nothing to do except stare at a tv and read this forum to try and distract myself. How long can i keep this up. I cant go back to our rental its to painful. Im just rotting away on my fathers couch making him depressed. Life cant show me anything without her.

I dont know why i keep posting but im screaming for an answer that i know nobody can give me. I cant do this life alone without her

It's coming up to my wife's funeral and I'm having a very difficult time with my mother in law. From the moment my wife passed she seems to have turned on me. I have been left to do all the funeral arrangements on my own, including figuring out how to pay for it, as well as the usual post death admin like registering her death, informing those who need to know etc. I have tried to include my wife's family at every point in the process but she has been evasive, she refuses to see or speak to me, she's been snarky, critical and hurtful. She seems to be trying to spin a narrative that I have excluded her. I became so paranoid about whether I'd done anything wrong I put our whole whatsapp and email exchange into chatgpt and asked whether either party was being unreasonable, just because I was desperate for any kind of impartial view of things.

I googled around about this and a few posts came up from here that were eerily similar.

Did you experience this?

My husband was verbally abusive to me for years. I told him I wanted a divorce multiple times, but he always talked me out of it by either gaslighting me or promising to be better. In the last five years his health was terrible but he never went to a doctor. He essentially quit working and I was supporting us financially by about 95% of the bills. He quit helping with the mortgage, etc. Despite that and his efforts to be nicer, there wasn't a day that went without some passive jab. Moving my coffee pot a few inches out of my reach, fussing at me over how I walked the dog (his dog), complaining I made too much noise cleaning house as he slept til 11am on Saturdays. I work FT and so Sat mornings were the best day to clean.

Anyway all this to say, he passed a few weeks ago from a heart attack, which was probably the source of his health issues. I was very upset at finding him. We'd been married 38 years and I held onto the good times. The last few months he was actually coming out of a deep dark depression (untreated) and was working again, quit smoking, putting the effort into our relationship. But I'm sad for what our relationship was when we got married and what it could've been.

Still, I have so much relief now that he's gone. I can shop, watch TV, listen to music without judgement and criticism. I can make decisions about the house and schedule repairs, that he was always "going to get to" but never did. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. But people want me to be the bereft widow and I can play that character, but it isn't my truth. I don't want to bash him to people that didn't know how horribly he treated me. ( you never know what goes on behind closed doors).

Yet, I wept when I was at the DMV transferring his truck title so I could sell it. It's a messy mourning. It isn't "the love of my life is gone, I can't function". It's relief and then I feel guilty over moments where I have real joy.

She died five weeks ago and I haven’t remembered any dreams until last night when she showed up. I was sleeping in our bed, as I always do.

Suddenly, she walks into the room and to her cupboards where she keeps her clothes, talking to me like nothing has happened.

I talk with her and the only part of the conversation I remember is myself saying to her “I know you aren’t really there cause you’re dead”.

The odd thing about it, was that it didn’t make me sad, it felt like I saw her again and brought me the absolute smallest amount of happiness possible when you are so new to this.

I wonder if some of her is still out there, I am not a religious person at all, but I have made a conscious decision to believe she’ll be on the other side when I arrive.

I send my condolences to all those who are here with me, I’m glad I’ve found you.

I’m 53, she was 51, it was a vicious year post cancer diagnosis.

Today marks 1 year since my Wife died suddenly and unexpectedly at home. I posted here in those early weeks and months. I believe this group really helped when it seemed nothing would.

I’ve been emotional all morning. I booked the day off work a long time ago and glad I did. I drove my son to college, he’s 16 and I’m not sure the significance of today has registered yet. I’ll mention it once he’s home. My 20 year old daughter recently got a new job and is only a couple of weeks in, she called in sick this morning. I’m don’t blame her for that, if she needs the day then she should take it.

I’ve done the Facebook post. I generally don’t like that sort of thing but I also want to make people remember her.

It’s been hell of a year. We moved house, My son passed his GCSEs exams. My daughter quit uni in the aftermath and is still trying to figure out her future.

The house move only happened because she died. Life insurance was thankfully in place (the only sensible financial decision we ever made together). I only took it out because I wanted them to be ok if anything happened to me. I wasn’t supposed to be the one claiming on it. Buying a house was never on the cards for us, and the conflicting emotions in being able to buy a very nice one is jarring. At least we’ve now been able to provide something for the children’s future. She would’ve been thrilled about that. She’d also have loved the decorating and room designing etc. That hurts, that she’ll never enjoy what a view as half hers still.

The general advice for the first year was not to make any large financial decisions. We were renting and the desire for security and stability superseded that very sensible advice. I also couldn’t stay long term where she had died. Where I had to perform CPR on her despite knowing she was gone. It also gave us a project to focus on in our grief. On reflection I think it was a good thing for us.

Any advice for the 2nd year?

Strength to all of you. Thank you for the support.

Today, my granddaughter has a pumpkin festival at school for grandparents. My beloved wife and I attended for the last two years. Her other grandparents, who are very lovely people, will be there too. Unfortunately, three months after my wife passed away, I just don't have the strength to go. I have very fond, powerful memories of it.

1 year today the angels took you away.

I love you forever and i miss you.

I will see you soon my love 💔💜

Everything seems to be going better in my life. Finally. My job has become almost perfect. I feel like I'm really thriving in it now.

I finally have some tiny amount of money to my name, so I can finally address those issues causing me pain throughout my life.

The apartment has had a renovation and I haven't had issues in a while. I'm spending more time than ever before with my friends. Trying hard to keep everyone happy.

Yet a part of me still thinks my entire life was a mistake. That I'm a mistake. That if only he had a better partner.... Someone who could afford to get him to a real surgeon and not the butcherer who murdered him. Someone that would have taken the time off, so the nurses couldn't ignore him to death because Christmas was around the corner, he needed extra care, and they wanted that time off....

My whole life has been spent with two feet. One in the grave and the other just wanting to try to see what life is about before both feet must meet. It's so difficult and no one really truly understands. I still can't understand it. He was a larger-than-life sorta person. It's hard to really describe the absence. It's hard to describe my life without him in it. It's been nearly three years and nothing really truly feels "better." It just feels like I'm trying to distract myself until I'm dead, too. It still feels like I've lived far too long already. I just don't enjoy life anymore, no matter how hard I still try.

I keep grasping at straws. I am SO tired of trying to pull myself together during the day and then spending my "free" time going back to dealing with the loss of my husband/best friend. I keep on trying to adjust to life without him but it's just not happening.

Everyday is hard without my wife but Sundays are especially hard because that was always our stay at home day. When we were both working we had Sundays to look forward to because we would usually just stay home, be with each other, catch up on chores, watch TV together and just be together. Now my Sundays are filled with emptiness, loneliness and sadness. I miss her so much, I'd give anything to have her back.

20 weeks 140 days and if you give me a moment I would probably count the minutes.

You're with me, I see you in my dreams, I can smell you sometimes and it means everything to me.

I find myself trying not to think of you so I can keep it together, but in the dark quiet moments you cross my mind and the pain crushes me. You left a cavity in my world that's too deep and wide to cross, so I'm stuck with but you visit me, so I'm taking that as a sign that this is okay. I love you more than anything and you're still my favourite human. I miss you aren't strong enough words and I love you had never been adequate. Yet it's all I have. I love you baby and I miss you

I lost my wife of 39 years on the 3rd of this month, following a protracted illness. She was 63, I am 65.

I'm not a boo-hoo mourner, but I have been dealing with it by being busy with cleanups and legalities. Probably the worst was the first three nights when I couldn't sleep because my mind was racing trying to figure out what needed to be done.

Y'all will get more of my story in the coming weeks, so I won't play all my cards right now.

Mostly saying hello for now.

I lost my boyfriend on September 1st. the amount of grief I have experienced is smothering me slowly. where I once accepted death as a part of life after I lost the love of my life, I now daydream and feel warm at the idea of dying. I’m feel I’m at a point thinking about the people I love no longer matters anymore. I just have no interest in continuing this life. I was robbed. I don’t know if I even plan to read any feedback from this post. nor am I saying I have a plan and this is goodbye. I just don’t know where to place these feelings.

For most of the past 8 months, most of my time has consisted of me seeing him dying and or see his hospital bed, and it breaks me. But I’ve been trying to teach myself that I didn’t die with him that day. That I am still here, living and breathing, even when wracked with guilt and pain and complete and utter despair.

I think about it constantly. Going over the months of chemo destroying his body, the weekend he became septic, and the day in the hospital, and then, his death. When they told me they wanted to stop CPR to staring at him dead in that the room for hours, curling up with him in his bead so that I could hold him one last time.

But I think I just realized, that I spend so much time trying to wrap my head around the fact that he died, that I haven’t even begun to grapple with the idea that his is dead. He’s not coming back.

I will never look him in the eyes again, seeing them look back at me with so much love and admiration. I will never hear him laugh at anything again, and feel my chest lighten at the sound. I will never be held by him, feeing him wrap his arms around my middle and hold me close like he never want sit let me go. My beautiful, intelligent, sweet, nerdy hilarious, remarkable best friend, is gone. And I don’t know how to been being to accept that. To know want to run to him at every opportunity, even now.

I think can survive him dying, drag myself to therapy to try not to see it all glaze over my vision the second I let my brian have a moment of stillness.

but how can he never be coming back to me?

Someone I know told me that their close friend (middle aged) had died of suicide recently. They left behind a spouse and young children. This person was obviously in shock and irritable which was understandable. I didnt really say much apart from telling them that walking when things became hectic helps. I strangely also did not ask if I could help with anything. I didnt really say the usual simple response "I'm sorry for you loss" and in a hindsight, I wonder why I didnt and was surprised by my response.

Have I become emotionally detached or numb to the concept of death and dying?

His photo came up just now in my phone feed. Whenever it does, I blow the pic a kiss. I was so lucky to be with someone who loved me so much.

Sometimes I'm angry at losing him too. And sometimes mopey because I feel ignored and alone. He would hate to see me so blue.

Since he used to drive our shared car primarily, when it was only me, I made a few missteps and the car has scrapes and minor dents. Instead of being ashamed of my overfamiliarity with the pole in our parking space, I look at those as evidence that I loved him.

Sometimes I need that reassurance because I haven't cried much even these almost three years (and I am a crier). Somehow my body is holding on, not willing to acknowledge his loss. Doesn't that sound crazy?

My partner passed away nearly 4 weeks ago. I've been so avoidant and focusing on doing things because when I stop, I think about her. We were such a great match I couldn't believe how lucky i was. She was doing an amazing job of fighting cancer for 2.5 years but we had very bad news mid year and then terminal news end of August. We have a young daughter, I won't say her age but she had to stop breastfeeding when my partner was diagnosed and was wheelchair bound.

I've not been good at coping and have had quite a few big booze blow-outs, which I'm stopping now. (Don't worry daughter was always looked after)

This is going to sound perverse but, I don't want to date someone, but i just want to lay down and cuddle.

And yet I know this is just another piece of self fulfilling avoidant behaviour. Another way to make myself feel better. I don't want to do it, and yet its what I am craving?

I feel horrible for even writing this let alone feeling like this.

Like it's makes me feel so fucking gross that I am not respecting her and when I think about her it just makes me fill with pain.

Has anyone else felt like this?

My fiancé died in August. We had just gotten engaged in May. He went into the hospital for a various smattering of symptoms in mid July only for us to discover he had a heart attack weeks ago if not longer. He was on dialysis and in need of a kidney and was always some flavor of unwell for duration of our relationship.

The process of him dying was hell. He had cardiac arrest multiple times and was on a ventilator, pacemaker for over a week before they had to operate on his abdomen (distended) and they determined nothing else could be done. I’ll never forgive his evangelical Christian mother for saying unhelpful things in the hospital; “my therapist is God” (invalidating my own therapy) “God will see him through this or will take him if He’s ready” (a horrid thing to say.) etc. She shared with me in the hospital that she didn’t approve of his “lifestyle” but only wanted to see him happy. The pastor she got for the funeral didn’t invite me to speak or even acknowledge our relationship. I skipped the burial because I couldn’t deal with bullshit theology.

I’ve been trying so hard to stay positive and keep going…and admittedly I think I’ve been doing a decent job. But this month I’ve found I’m losing my patience and have called in my therapist for additional sessions.

I’m left to grieve the loss of someone I loved, the relationship we had, the future I hope we would have, and how things just fell apart like sand out of fist at the end. I’m angry because he was increasingly passive aggressive even before he went into the hospital, and his mother encouraged it. I took it on the chin instead of standing up for myself because I knew he was hurting. I’m angry because I feel like shit and just have to live with it. I’m sad because I go to text him and realize I can’t. I’m sad because even in the struggle I think we could’ve figured it out…or at least I hope we would. We weren’t perfect but damn I just had so much hope. It’s just so complicated.

Cherry on top…one of my cousins got married today. Thankfully everyone understood why I passed on it but I’ve started to get more internally snarky anytime I see anything wedding related online.

Ugh…thank you for reading.

I feel lonely and want the intimacy

I genuinely appreciate those who have taken the time to open up and share how they are navigating their grief, loss, and pain.
Thirteen months ago, I came home and found my best friend, my soulmate, my everything—my wife of more than 25 incredible, unpredictable, and oh-so-memorable years. She had reached a point where she simply couldn't go on and took her own life.
I have yet to go through any of her belongings. Our home remains exactly as it was when she was here. I still sleep on my side of our bed, even though it’s now just my bed.
I feel stuck, and I honestly don't know what's normal anymore. How do you even begin?
Her purse is still sitting on her nightstand, zipped closed, exactly where she left it. Throughout our marriage, I never looked through her purse. It was a matter of respect, a value I always held. And even now, something about opening it feels like crossing a boundary.
But I've decided that opening her purse will be my first step toward slowly letting go of some of the physical attachments I've held on to.
Mentally, I've finally accepted that she's not coming back. Emotionally, however, accepting that reality and going through the things she left behind are two very different challenges.
I'm not looking to erase her presence from our home or my life. I'm simply trying to figure out how to move forward without feeling like I'm leaving her behind.
I would genuinely appreciate hearing from others who have experienced something similar. How did you begin? What helped you take those first steps? And how did you know when you were ready?
Thank you for allowing me to share a little of my journey and for sharing yours. It helps more than you might realize.
Strength, Love, and Peace. ❤️