There was a time when life was on my back every minute.

Work. Kids. Bills. Somebody always needed something. Get up because somebody needed breakfast. Go to work because the family depended on you. Come home because your wife and kids were there. Go to bed because tomorrow was already waiting.

Back then I used to think, Wouldn’t it be great not to have to answer to the clock anymore?

Be careful what you wish for.

My wife died in 2024. We were together nearly 50 years. Even when the kids grew up and life got quieter, we still had each other. Neither one of us ever had many real friends, but that didn’t matter much because we were each other’s fallback. There was always a we.

When do we eat?

What are we doing today?

Do you want to watch something?

Are you coming to bed?

Did you see this?

Do you need anything?

Even doing absolutely nothing had structure because we were doing nothing together.

Now I barely know whether it is day or night sometimes. I can go to bed whenever I want and get up whenever I want because there is almost nothing waiting for me on either side.

And I’ve learned something I never understood when I was younger:

The things you have to do are often the things that give life its shape.

It isn’t really the job, the chores, or the clock. It is having people woven through your day. Somebody expecting you. Somebody you expect to see. Somebody whose life overlaps yours.

If my wife were still here, even if she needed no attention from me at all, this same amount of free time would feel completely different. There would still be a we inside the house.

When the kids were little, our house was full of voices, running feet, arguments, laughter, meals, messes, and somebody always needing something. At the time it could be exhausting.

I would take those days back in a heartbeat.

Because now I understand what all that noise was.

It was my life being full.

I’m almost two years in and staring into the maw of eternity. Regardless of what I do, there is just emptiness. I just keep pushing through hoping there will be a change.

F cancer!

I was leaving my house tonight to go to a support group when my neighbor was in his driveway, talking to another neighbor... so I do a quick wave, get in the car and start to program my GPS and get ready to back out and here is my neighbor, in front of my car, waving at me like he's doing jumping jacks...

So I stop and open my window and the interrogation begins:

How are you making out?

Where are you going? Are you going to the cemetery? Do you visit him often?

Then he says something about how his wife wanted to text me and a few other things.

Then he talks about the new lights he put up outside his house. Then he talks about how my husband would have been impressed.

Like dude... ffs... do you have any friggin idea how hard it is for me to hold myself together at any given moment? I didn't want to go to this meeting tonight but i forced myself out of the house... even though it's a drive and I'm tired... like I know I'm an introvert but damn, how fucking intrusive and inappropriate.

Now I'm going to have to run every time i see him... it was a tough day in many ways but I don't want to feel like i can't step out my door.

I just want to scream...

I fucking hate it when I can’t sleep or get woken up, around this time of night. Everyone else is sleeping and the darkness and the silence is too much. I would be religiously talking on a video call with my husband, during these late/early hours. He was temporarily staying with his brother in the UK, until we arranged his visa to come back to America. How he was 8 hours ahead of me, our call and msg time would always start around 1am. We would talk well into day, until around 10:30-11pm his time. Why is it that we know that they’re not physically here anymore. Yet the reality of it, seems to remind us all over again. Then, when it does, it’s hard to believe it again. Like wdym I can’t call him or msg him and tell him good morning and I love you and miss you like crazy? 😭🙏😩

I'm stuck between longing to die and be with my beloved Tiffany and the promise I made her that I would look out for her autistic brother if something happened to her.

I feel like I'm living this life for someone else.

I have never broken a promise to my beloved Baby Pirate and I'm not going to start now.

I'm stuck. I miss her so so so much.

Life is awfully unfair.

Sometimes it's been years since we lost our spouses, yet it feels like it's just yesterday when they died in front of us or when we found out that they died.

Sometimes it's just been a few days or months since we lost our spouses, but it feels like it's been forever.

Just some random thought that I guess we all can relate.

I don’t give a rat’s ass how you survived your abusive ex. No your dad dying suddenly is not the same as my other half. Just shut up and go away please.

Things I wish I said.

Has anyone ever actually managed to communicate after death? Is there anything afterwards? I desperately need to know if he still exists or if death was the end. I need a sign, but I don't see one anywhere. What I knew was going to happen happened: he died, and now nobody is going to defend me from all the mess he never resolved with his ex. People tell me I'm not going to die from this, and that's precisely the bad news—that I'm going to have to live through all this shit

I feel like every now and then the protective numbness pops and all the horrible shit that happened to her in the last three years is suddenly real. No longer a bad dream or some distant impression. The face I see in our photos is suddenly hers, and not just some random people I might have known long ago. And for a brief moment I begin to understand just how gone she really is, and how none of the goals I use to distract myself will change that.

In someways I am grateful for the bubble, but it scares me how removed I've grown from her memory. I don't really care if this is my brains way of protecting me, I think I'd rather be a grieving mess. Without it I don't feel like I deserve the rest I desperately need.

One day, I cut myself while chopping carrots. I rarely have cooking injuries. Last time it happened, she was still alive

She looked concerned. I smile and reassured her it will be ok

I look at my cut, and it reminded me that no matter what happens to me now, it is just me

I am happy, full, warm — just me
I am injured , cold , hungry, depressed—still just me

Friends and acquaintances are like cough syrup. At the end of the day, I still own this. The grief is mine. The tears are mine. The secret of our life together is also mine

I’m 36, and 8 years out, after losing Amy I drank heavily the first 3 years, for about a year and a half it was practically every day. I got Sober and started dating again, that lasted 2 1/2 years. The last year I’ve drank on and off and The last few months have been heavily and at the end of September i decided to stop drinking again.

Since then I’ve been having horrible nightmares, like wake up in a panic soaked in sweat level of nightmares. they’re not always about her, but when they are it always ends the same, she’s crying inconsolably and repeating “Why couldn’t you” and I can’t figure out what it is i couldn’t do… and tonight it’s harder than most to not drink.

I tried to start going to AA but the meeting I was going to go to got cancelled.

We just had the Memorial last Sunday. That day felt kinda like, "now it's time to move on... " Prior to that so much family was here and I was just going through the motions. As long as I'm busy and with other people it's easier. Today I was alone most of the day. I cried almost all day long. Every day has been different. Some days harder, some days not. Just trying to get everything in order (vehicles, bank accounts, our home, etc) has been a lot! I feel so empty but at the same time I feel some kind of contentment knowing that my husband is at peace, no longer in pain, and not just spending every single day waiting for it to be his last. We spent most of our time in the house because he was immune compromised. I spent so much time caring for him and handling everything that was important because he couldn't any longer. I really don't even know how I should feel or what is right. I need to get a job and quick because we were living on his disability while I cared for him. I have no income now and have an interview tomorrow. I keep thinking I'm just going to start crying in the middle of my interview because I'm not emotionally stable right now. My whole life is going to be so different and I don't know if I'm ready. I really just want him to come back home. Even through it was so hard caring for him, we went no where, he couldn't walk so no vacations, a very boring depressing life..... I'd keep doing it forever. I miss him terribly. I feel like he's just going to appear again and this is not reality.

I'm going to vent a bit here, heads to noisy and have to get stuff said. I'm M42 (42 today) I've been very lost , numb, confused lately , I think, don't know how to describe it.

I've been making progress and have been in a good place, more peaceful and positive mind set, and handling my grief, my feelings better. I got sober 5 months ago, I had to, I was absolutely spiraling into a false sense of numbness and self pity. I've made great progress, I can actually admit that , and because of it my kids, ( 2 teenagers) my close family, in laws, friends and my work environment were all benefiting from it. Life actually started to feel, 'good' , peaceful, and i started to feel like the real me again, not just the character I was playing and pretending to be. I actually was able to be myself. This would sound a bit OTT for most people, but I reckon you folks can probably relate ( I hope)

Anyway, this week I've dipped my toe in the dating world, I feel like I'm ready, not because I 'need' someone, to full some void , but because I want to share my time and life with someone that enjoys it the way I do.

But after speaking to a couple of women online, I quickly realised, I might not get the same emotional connection, unspoken intimacy were we know how to fit together naturally and comfortablely. It took years of working and communicating with each other to get to that level of love, the patience the work. Could I actually find that again in another partner, I'm not sure. Then, when I think about being intimate with someone new, ( it's been about 18 months since I last had sex, ) would we be able to get to the same level of comfort and confidence that I once had. I know my mind is just going into over drive , but at this point in my life, I'm worried I'll end up alone or to damaged for some 1 to accept me.

Anyway, I've kinda "relapsed" and currently between pity party and feeling all sorry for myself . I hope this made any kind of sense. To the fellow widows here that are still getting up every day, crying in the car on the way home to do all the housework, You are freckin awesome, you are warriors winning battles every day without any reward. You are the real heroes, that clean dishes and get the laundry done 💪

My wife died of breast cancer 3am, Dec 13, 2013...first fought with chemo, then painful radiation, finally surgery.. This slowed the cancer, never healed it....13 years later..no cure, no successful treatment, no hope.. That fact alone tears me up

It's been over 2 years since my S.O. passed away from metastatic breast cancer. I miss her so much every day. My life has taken a spin ever since. Just a year and a half ago I was living in the US, trying to figure out how to move on and also navigating having moved to a new area. Things didn't panned out. Now I'm living with my mom, back in my home country, trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

I'm not old yet, but I'm not young anymore. I read about ai and whatnot and it makes me even more anxious about what the future holds. Today I cried for a while in the bathroom when I was reminded of her. She was the most wonderful person I've ever met and her absence weighs on me too much.

Just wanted to share these words tonight.

Ci sono giorni o intere settimane in cui non riesco a fare nulla perché la sua mancanza è così forte da lasciarmi senza fiato. È l’amore della mia vita. A volte quel suo amore, la sua risata, le sue attenzioni mi mancano così tanto da desiderare di voler andare via. Ma ci sono giorni come oggi in cui non sento nulla, in cui guardo le nostre foto, i nostri video e mi sembra di non riconoscere nulla. Non riesco a realizzare cosa gli è successo e se ci penso mi sembra di provare “indifferenza”. Come se non toccasse me. Non so perché il mio cervello lo faccia. Ma è una delle cose che fa più male. Come se il mio cervello mi dicesse “non esisteva tutto quello, sei sempre stato così, triste e senza futuro”. E mi spaventa, ho paura che questa sensazione possa restare per sempre e dimenticarmi di lui. Non so se succede a qualcuno di voi, mi sento impazzire, ma allo stesso tempo so che mi manca, immensamente.

Last night I watched an episode of the television show "Best Medicine" in which a magician suddenly loses his assistant and love of his life and has to deal with the consequences. At the end of the episode he asks the doctor "How do I go on, living with that hurt?" and the doctor, who suffered a similar fate many years ago replies "Like we all do. One magic trick at a time!" Like we all do. All of us here. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time.

I'm supposed to go to an annual conference tomorrow for one of the professional groups of which I'm a member. It's an annual meeting I've attended with no problem for each of the past ten years and would probably gone to for the next ten years without giving it a thought. But I just don't feel like going this year. Like I don't feel like doing a number of other things any more because what's the point? I just can't see myself going to a meeting where speakers will speak; attendees will sit and listen; and things will continue as they have in the past and as the will in the future while I'm approaching the first anniversary of the end of my life.

"Like we all do," but not like any of us want to do. My son, watching the show with me last night, asked partway through the episode if I wanted to switch to something else. He, like my other two children, know what I continue to go through every day. I told him it was okay and I wanted to keep watching. I could do that because I push the past away as if it never happened to me and, maybe because of my medication, I don't feel much emotion anymore. I go through the days for my kids' sake but I don't feel much of anything anymore. No highs, no lows. A day is now just another 24 hours. Like yesterday's 24 hours was and like tomorrow's 24 hours will be. No more and no less. Like it is for many of us now.

Há 10 meses perdi a minha linda e doce namorada. Eu tenho 23 anos e ela tinha 24 anos. Éramos um casal de duas meninas. Estivemos juntas por 2 anos e meio. Ela faleceu na semana em que concluiu a faculdade de direito. Isso é tão doloroso e injusto. Desde que ela se foi eu só sobrevivo. A vida ficou vazia e silenciosa. Não sei mais quem eu sou e qual o sentido da vida, ela levou com ela todos os meus mais lindos sonhos e planos. Eu escuto muito que sou jovem e logo irei arrumar outra pessoa, o que eu acho devastador de ouvir, pois falam isso como se ela fosse um objeto substituível. Eu a amo com toda minha alma, queria tanto minha menininha de volta.

Grandparents, parents, aunt,and finally my husband who passes 10 months ago. All the ones I was a caregiver for have journeyed on. There were times I prayed for just a few minutes for myself, now I have all the time and I’m lost. What do I do?

For the past 3 years, I’ve had the best birthdays. I turn 23 today, broken by the quietness. No birthday hug, no birthday card, nothing.

Just a vast emptiness in my heart. It’s been six months since I lost her.

No words for this pain.

Two days ago, I was sitting in my car trying to play a Playlist of music and an old voice note from my hubby in heaven played.

He was telling me how much he yearned to be with me and that he misses me. I have been broken into a million pieces since.

He passed away 8.1.24 and recently I think I have been... okay..I have definitely had distractions.

But... along with this hurt, there is a divorced man I have been entertaining. He has the same chinese zodiac sign as my husband in heaven. The year of the Dog. I started to catch feelings because he was really sweet but he is an avoidant. He is also talking to other people. He love bombs me but never answers when I call. He never calls back. Only texts. He used to plan dates until that fell off and we just hang out at the house occasionally. Mind you, the highs and lows of this connection have been worsening my grief because I constantly remember how "good I am used to having it".

I did a special holiday treat/gift for him recently including giving him a red rose and his favorite liquor. I also spent money I don't have on snacks for us recently... and I feel like I have just been people pleasing. I have been soo lonely and trying to not feel so alone. I also had a little bit of hope for my heart to be handled properly if I actually tried.

Well yesterday I didn't want to talk to the new guy. Why? Because it can easily be 4 to 8 or more hours before I get a text back. I get frustrated even bothering. Unless he wants something or unless its convenient for him, he takes hours and hours to text back. I cant even get a call. He is so just... in his own world. It doesn't feel like he cares and that triggers me to miss my husband even more.

Today one of the women he is dating posted that she just got roses from him & she seems so happy. Yes I lurk. It hurts because he has not given me flowers in months, never roses, and roses are my favorite.

Bringing all of this back to the voice note. My dear husband in heaven told me he misses me. I miss him achingly. He never made me feel like an option. Always gave me flowers. Weekly date nights. So much validation and reassurance.

I drink so much now. I am also starting to wish I could be where he is, although I will never hurt myself. I just really wanna be with him. I have pushed everyone away again. The new guy's phone is broken and we had been talking online. But I deactivated the site we use this morning. I wanna scream how much I hate him for wasting my time. For not choosing me. For accepting my kindness and using it without reciprocating. For buying another woman roses but telling me she isn't good enough! I didn't need to know but yes he told me he doesn't want to be with her because she gets on him about dating other women.

I feel angry. Nausea. Depression. Empty... mostly empty. I keep playing the voice note. It comforts me in a way that should be studied. His voice is so healing and I miss him so much.

I know nobody can ever replace my husband.

I feel so drained for even trying to open my heart to someone so reckless. I'm just so tired of grief, loneliness, and ppl pleasing.

I have zero friends or family other than a few in laws who continue to check in. No kids. This is the longest I have been single. I cant even say I am looking forward to holidays coming up.

I just don't know how to go on like this. I just drink, and drink, and drink when I'm not working... oh and my job is extremely depressing because its crisis work.

😆 I really just needed to vent. I think I need a hug. I hope all of us having a tough time find relief very soon. 🫂

Today is what would have been our 4th wedding anniversary. We were together for 8 years. He passed away in March of this year. I’m not sure what to do today. What did everyone else do on their first wedding anniversary without their spouse?

Also to note we have a few friends and family who have birthdays today. We didn’t really think about that when we picked this as our wedding date because we eloped to Hawaii and liked the sound of 10/22/22 and not that it truly matters anyway. I don’t have plans with the birthday folk today but I feel like I’m haunting my house not truly knowing what to do or how to feel. Normally we’d go out to a really nice dinner.

Let's try to make a mega vent thread. Being a parent is hard enough. Let alone dealing with the loss of a spouse. I'm making this post as a safe space to just vent away or ask questions , that maybe some other widowed parents can answer to.