Hey girls, I need some advice from women who actually understand this industry because I’m genuinely at a crossroads.
I’m 22, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend (26) for about five months. I was already dancing when we met, so he knew exactly what I did from day one. As our relationship progressed, he expressed that he wasn’t comfortable with me dancing long-term.
I understand why some men feel that way, and I genuinely love him. He’s a good boyfriend in a lot of ways, and I see a future with him. The thing is, I don’t even want to dance forever. I’m pursuing acting, modeling, and music, and dancing has always been a way for me to make good money while having the flexibility to pursue those things. My plan is to transition into bartending or bottle service while building my creative career.
We agreed on a six-month transition period where I could continue dancing while actively searching for another job. We’re still within those six months.
But here’s where I fucked up. I barely danced during that time because I knew how uncomfortable it made him. I prioritized his feelings and our relationship, even though I could’ve been working and stacking my money.
When we met, I had significant savings, so I wasn’t pressed to immediately find work. But I’ve been paying my living expenses out of those savings, and I’ve also overspent on clothes, eating out, etc. I have ADHD and have struggled with impulsive spending since I started working at 15, regardless of how much money I was making. I’m 22, still learning to manage my finances, and I fully acknowledge that I need to get my spending under control.
At this point, I have about four months of financial runway left, and I’m getting increasingly anxious about continuing to pull from my savings.
I’ve been seriously applying for high-volume bartending, serving, and bottle-service positions. I have hospitality experience, and I know those jobs can pay well, but as many of you probably know, getting into the right establishment can take time.
So I recently asked my boyfriend how he’d feel if I went back to dancing for just ONE MONTH while continuing to look for another job.
He told me he’d prefer I didn’t and that I should just get another job.
And I’m sitting there like… girl, WHAT? 😭
I’m literally trying to get another job. But until I get hired somewhere that can actually cover my expenses, I need money coming in.
He keeps bringing up my spending habits and how I need to be more financially responsible. And I AGREE. But my spending habits have been an issue whether I was making minimum wage or thousands a month. That’s something I need to work on regardless of my occupation.
Dancing is an income source I already know how to access. I can work a few nights a week, rebuild my savings, and still have time for auditions, classes, and everything else I’m pursuing.
And here’s the part that’s really starting to bother me.
I’ve carried the overwhelming majority of the financial load in our relationship.
He was unemployed for several months, and I’ve paid his rent at least twice, totaling several thousand dollars. I’ve bought him food, necessities, and helped him financially whenever he needed it. He’s been comfortable asking for and accepting that help.
I did all of that willingly because I love him. I understand he wasn’t in a position to contribute equally, and I don’t hold that against him. I’ve also recently stopped covering his miscellaneous expenses because I need to prioritize my own finances.
But it’s frustrating that I’ve been willing to support him financially while simultaneously limiting my own earning potential to make him comfortable.
Now that I’m the one concerned about money, he still doesn’t want me returning to an established source of income, even temporarily.
And the thing is, he isn’t in a position to cover my expenses. I don’t expect him to. But that means I’m the one who has to absorb the financial consequences of continuing to accommodate his discomfort.
I genuinely believe he wants what’s best for me. He encourages my creative ambitions and thinks I should focus on building a career outside the club. We actually agree on that.
But I don’t understand why working in the club temporarily while transitioning is such an issue, especially when that was our original agreement.
I would choose a future with him over dancing as a long-term career. But right now, I’m trying to establish financial stability, and dancing is a practical bridge to where I want to be.
He’s made it clear that continuing to dance could cost me the relationship, and that’s what makes this so difficult.
I know I made the decision to stop dancing, and I take responsibility for that. I also know my spending contributed to where I am financially.
But I can’t help feeling resentful that I’ve sacrificed so much financially to accommodate his feelings, and now that I need to earn money, there’s very little flexibility on his end.
I love him, but I’m starting to question how much of my financial independence I’m willing to compromise to keep this relationship.
So, dancers who have been in relationships with men uncomfortable with the industry, how did you handle it? Did you transition out? Did you continue dancing? Did your partner eventually become more understanding, or did it become a fundamental incompatibility?
And genuinely, am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? I’d appreciate honest advice, even if it’s something I don’t necessarily want to hear.
