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i was so into smoking weed dropping acid and listening to psych rock in high school and college it was so exciting and cool to me

then i went kookoo and had the psych hospital getting sober arc which was a great move, ive outgrown my adolescent glorifying of drugs and have a job and now everything just seems kinda boring. tried having a band it was uninspired.

i enjoy life but i feel like nothings exciting anymore, except maybe the prospect of international travel with a loved one which i should hopefully get to do a bit next year

despite my body hurting all the time and being drowsy all day, its not all negative, having a laugh with good friends or my partner is the transcendent joy i get these days

She's so beautiful oml

I was 11-12 years old with a smartphone and unsupervised Internet access. I discovered this app called Whisper through BuzzFeed videos, which was an "anonymous" platform for people to confess secrets on, and I went ham on there. there was this group called unpopular opinions and I made my persona a middle aged man who sincerely believed that cancer is contagious.

I remember getting flamed for posting that it should be socially acceptable to leave your partner with cancer so you can protect yourself from catching it, and that's why I was divorcing my wife. I had a burner email that I used to create correspondence with a fake cancer researcher to prove my points. I also forgot what bunk science I made up, but I would make alarmist posts about the "truth" surrounding cancer and I convinced a handful of braindead conspiracy types that it's actually contagious. I wonder what those people are up to now.

What do we do when all of our canthal tilts are positive and we’re ALL hot as fuck? Will we have to rely on our own personalities, hobbies, goals and accomplishments in order to persuade others???? Ever consider that???? What will we do then?!?!?!?

- La Jeune Fille et la Mort (Death and the Maiden), Marianne Stokes, 1908
- Kop van een skelet met brandende sigaret (Head of a skeleton with a burning cigarette), Vincent van Gogh, 1886
- 相馬の古内裏 妖怪がしゃどくろと戦う大宅太郎光圀 (Takiyasha the Witch and the Skeleton Spectre), Utagawa Kuniyoshi, 1844
- El Aquelarre (Witches Sabbath), Francisco Goya, 1798
- Giuditta e Oloferne (Judith Beheading Holofernes), Caravaggio, 1600
- Saturno devorando a su hijo (Saturn Devouring His Son), Francisco Goya, 1820

This week ive had stuff I could be going to after work but every single time I get home around 6pm, eat microwaved meal prep slop, lounge around and it hits 8 pm when id already be an hour late

How do I stop doing this its too comfortable but too boring being at home constantly

I just smoked weed and I had to muster the energy to put the clothes on my bed away, calm lil depression vibe hitting and I think I’m gonna rot in bed. Roommate is drunk singing in the other room. Good times 💯

Incredibly mid film, but Meryl Streep looks amazing here, and unsurprisingly acts well too. An underrated beauty. One of those faces that’s better in motion though

Sometimes it feels like my bf wants to see me at every moment of free time I might have. I love him……. but I really wish I had more time alone without feeling like I have to fight for it.

Am I doomed here? Am I supposed to want to spend all my time with him? 🙃

PS: I have communicated this for years. It’s respected kind of sometimes. but he seems to hold the belief that “We’re dating and people who are dating have to spend X amount of time together”. Like it’s owed.

I’m bad at boundaries. ..maybe it’s my fault

who asked for this? there’s already plenty of english shows that do this kind of political humor a hundred times better.

I got this 7” today. Jay Re*tard’s first release. He was 17 I believe. It kills.

she was 52. terribly misanthropic and angry person. pushed everyone away. she left us after divorcing my dad and went to live in small resort town in sinai peninsula, which is where she was for the better part of the last 15 years or so. she despised cairo, categorically refused to come see us there whenever we'd fly in to visit family. and then she'd get angry and ice us out for months because we rarely could make the trip to dahab or nuweiba or taba or wherever she happened to be. she raised goats and ducks and took care of the stray dogs and cats around. she had a tiny little jet black schitzu poodle mix named Ox. she planted roses and jasmine flowers.

she was terrible with money. squandered millions (EGP) over the years, inheritance money and divorce settlement money and state pension money. she died in poverty and alone and in pain. she had an inflamed gall bladder that she didnt have the money to treat. on saturday i got a DM on instagram from a neighbor girl who lived nearby and she informed me they'd heard her screaming in her apartment and rushed her to the hospital. i called her sister who lives in cairo and she rushed to alexandria. she was awake but catatonic, looking around but not responding to anything. she slipped into a coma shortly after. docs found tumors in her liver. her lungs were shutting down so they kept her on an oxygen machine and she held on maybe 24 hours or so before passing away on monday. she always said she wanted to die by the ocean somewhere. she always said she didn't want to die in egypt. she died in alexandria, by the ocean, in egypt.

below are random memories i have of her in no particular order

- she was ecstatic when covid hit and the world shut down. she thought it was justice for the animals. it brought her great relief to hear of people dying in droves. 2020-2022 was her most stable period, she was holding down a job and was calm and kept promises and repaired a lot of her relationships. things started getting bad again once the world opened back up

- during the revolution she took my youngest sister with her to go demonstrate in the street. she would've been 4 years old at the time

- she had legendary mental breakdowns. she trashed my dads apartment once after their divorce. she went through the backyard took a sledgehammer to the sliding glass door broke in and went on a tear

- she had a wonderfully genuine loud laugh and smile. in her better (manic) moods she laughed constantly, all the time. to the point it got kind of obnoxious.

- one time before the divorce when she lived with us she pulled us from school and drove us two states over and checked into a motel. i don't remember how long we were there for but it was a while. when i went back to school everybody was asking me where i was and i just said i got really sick

- she was obsessed with my body. i was a fat kid and she made sure i knew it. then when i hit puberty and started lifting and putting on muscle she took a strange inordinate liking to my body. always touching my arms and my chest and stuff. harmless but kind of weird in hindsight

- she insisted on giving both my sisters mullet haircuts. my middle sister and her got in a huge fight once over it because kids were making fun of her and she wanted to grow it out

- she was early on facebook and social media in general. had thousands of friends on there, always talking to people.

- she had a brilliant mind for art and aesthetics. one of the apartments she lived in she filled the walls floor to ceiling with these mandela type designs. you can tell where she would have psychotic breaks because the designs would turn from soft lines and curves to jagged edges. when i started dabbling in writing she was my first reader. i remember she said her ideal novel would be about forest nymphs falling in love

- she was staunchly antinatalist and antitheist. when i got married all she had to say to me was not to have kids. she hated god and hated the religious; i was embarrassed to tell her i prayed . but she loved kids though, was so kind and loving towards babies and kids. i was too embarrassed to tell her my wife is pregnant and i was still mustering up the courage when she died

- my dad told me once they got in an argument while he was driving on the highway. she was in the passenger seat. the argument got nasty and she pulled the handbrake. somehow made it out alive

- my mom found out my dad was cheating. she followed him out of the house one time when he went to go meet with his mistress and assaulted her. there was a court case that i'm unsure of the outcome of

- she hounded my dad through the years after the divorce via email. i was forwarded one of their threads on accident spanning years and years. she'd write him incredibly vitriolic emails thousands and thousands of words long. in between asking him for money she was calling for his death and that she'd come after his second wife when he died. he would go months without replying, and when he would reply it was single sentences, a few words apiece then one time he replied with an essay of his own on facing his mortality and the fear he has of dying and leaving us kids to fend for ourselves. she replied that he was one of the kindest and most generous men she'd ever met, that he's an amazing father and that the only reason she can sleep at night is because she knows we're safe and taken care of with him and that she's sorry for all she put him through

- towards the end of her life she went totally passive. she hardly moved, hardly worked, hardly ate or drank. she lived in a tent on the beach. random hooligans would attack her and sexually assault her. we tried to get her to move to cairo to be close to family which actually worked for a little bit but then one day she had a mental break, told everybody to fuck themselves and hopped on a bus back to sinai

- she made friends with rappers and singers and celebrities, somehow would get invited to elite exclusive parties. she was a known figure in the nightlife and clubbing scene and from what i understand held a lot of sway over powerful people

- she dreamt of living in the amazon off the grid, raising animals and farming for herself. she liked the idea of total independence. talked about it constantly

- the last time i saw her was right after i got married, she came to cairo and said hi to me and my wife. we spent maybe a half hour together before she decided she wanted to leave

i have more but i'm tired of writing now. i might make a part 2

I’m 100% going to see them because the real world doesn’t feel special enough to me. I doubt it’s healthy.

Leaning towards Sailor, where on earth do I find a snakeskin jacket. Iirc the one in the movie was Nic Cage’s personal jacket that he thrifted from a vintage shop. I’d only want to borrow it, new ones are pricey and I don’t see myself wearing it except for as a one-off.

I'm such a little shit I love eavesdropping on strangers and just watching them.

I live in a British city, but not one of the metropolitan ones, where it's small enough that you can bump into people you know but not so small that everyone knows everyone, I spent a lot of time in town today and I saw some real characters.

Earlier today I was sitting outside a café, two men in suits marching past me clearly in a rush and I overheard:

"I didn't ask her gender, I thought we were past all that nonsense." in a worried tone.

In the grocery store there was a group of five boys, four of which were incredibly tall, 6'8+ at least and one who was a regular amount of tall, taller than me at least, the other boy was ~6'1 but looked dwarfed around his friends. The boys all looked the same age and were laughing about something.

The cutest one (and the one that inspired this post) was a guy who looked late 30s, tall, lanky, thinning hair and a woman, looked early 40s, pushing a pram. They were on the other side of the road from me just waiting for the light to change green, then when it did, he began to cross before she tapped him on the shoulder, he turns around and she gives him a kiss, when he turns back to cross the road he had the widest smile on his face.

It's nice when there's so much vitriol towards strangers, this idea that "everyone is an NPC but me." To stop and just see that we're all just people trying our best. It makes me wonder what snippets of my life other people have witnessed and what they think. But maybe I'm just a narcissist.