r/R4R30Plus • u/Necessary_Tree5340 • 1h ago
44 [F4M] Europe/US/Canada – To the hopefully last person I will ever date
I’ll just start off by saying that I thought I already found you a few times in my life. It turns out that not every deep love lasts forever, and people change over time. Who knew? Certainly not me in my 20s and 30s, for one.
So here I am, 44 and single, but with a life I love. I have a great job, I own my own flat, I have two cats and a dog, I love the few close friends I have, and I and my family are healthy. I really don’t need anything. I am perfectly content.
And after my last really long-term relationship ended I thought, “I have everything and then some. What more could I want? I don’t need a partner. My life is truly good.” And I did me for a while. It was nice.
And yet, there is the quiet, nagging feeling that a piece is missing. I miss having someone to snuggle with, to watch movies with, game with and trade banter with. To try new recipes with, share books with, get lost in the woods with. To have deep talks and silly laughs with. To rely on and to have them rely on me. A lover, a true partner, a best friend. To have and to hold, and all that sappy, wonderful shit. And that’s what I’m looking for.
What I am decidedly not looking for:
- Bigots
- People who don’t yet know what they want in a relationship.
- People that don’t realize that their value comes from within. You can’t start a serious relationship with someone if you don’t love yourself to begin with (thanks, RuPaul). Making someone else’s approval the source of your validation and worth is a lot of pressure to put on someone, and it is a recipe for disappointment.
- People not fully over their last relationship. I don’t just mean that you aren’t in love with the person anymore and dating sounds OK. That’s the easy part. I mean sitting down with yourself and looking through *all* the parts of the relationship and its ending that you didn’t like. And then working through those to the point that when you talk about the relationship, you don’t start ranting. In short, if you’re still talking shit about your ex, this point is about you.
- People whose idea of a reasonable end to a romantic relationship is ghosting (if they are not in immediate danger). I don’t have time or space in my life for that level of cowardice and lack of respect. I can’t even believe that this is a thing nowadays. Maybe I am just old.
- Lovebombers and future fakers. Don’t waste my time; I am not some diversion for your boring Sunday afternoon. Time is the most precious thing there is and once given, you can never get it back.
(An aside: I am so, so sorry to have had to include this ranty ass list, but honestly, dating these days is a minefield that I never could have anticipated.)
An additional point: I would be remiss in saying that looks don’t matter. They do. I really appreciate someone who takes care of themselves, and is clean, healthy, and (truly) active, because I am. But something I’ve learned with age is that what someone finds physically attractive is mostly subjective; it changes with time. And what matters more is the ability to connect, really connect, and feel like both people (please excuse the upcoming hippy dippy crap) are vibrating at the same frequency. At any rate, I’ve included a single picture of myself from about a month ago to give an idea of the visual.
So maybe we start slow. We exchange some messages. And we take our time. Weeks, months, however long it takes. Distance isn’t a factor if the intentionality is there. What matters is that the goal is the same, and we are aligned on it and reaching it together. And it means having the emotional availability to pursue something together, and the time and willingness to do so. Oh, and painfully open and honest communication. :-)
So here I am, and I’m not going anywhere. Where are you?
Some interests of mine: books (especially anything Victorian, dark, and spooky), video games (not too picky, love historical but not a huge fan of online FPS), movies (literally any genre, but Interstellar is one of my favorite films), hiking, pilates, linguistics (yeah, nerd shit!), getting a great night’s sleep, cooking with friends, comedy (I love standup), and cutting banter. That’s just to get started, there’s a lot more to me.
If something resonated with you, send me a message telling me what exactly resonated and why, and one current picture of you.
(P.S. I’m located in Europe.)