the Mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

The madam whispers to her assistant, "They're too wasted to notice. Put blow-up dolls in their rooms."
An hour later the two guys stagger back out.
First guy: "I think mine was dead. Didn't move, didn't make a sound."
Second guy: "Mine was worse. I think she was a witch."
"A witch?"
"I gave her a little bite on the ass. She farted in my face and flew out the window."

Three holy men were sitting together and discussing how they decide how much of the collection money goes to God and how much they keep for their own expenses.

The Pandit (Hindu) said, "It is very simple. I draw a line on the ground. Then I take all the coins and throw them into the air. Whatever lands on the right side of the line belongs to God, and whatever lands on the left side belongs to me."

The Maulana (Muslim) shook his head and said, "No, no, that is not the right way. I draw a circle on the ground. Then I throw the money into the air. Whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside the circle is for me."

The Sardarji (Sikh) smiled and said, "You both have it all wrong. Your methods are too complicated. I have a much more honest and spiritual way."

The other two looked at him curiously and asked, "Oh really? What do you do?"

The Sardarji replied, "I just take all the money, look up to the heavens, and throw it as hard as I can straight up into the air. I say, 'God, take whatever You want!'... and whatever He doesn't catch and falls back to the ground, I keep for myself."

*Edit: my two cents worth... this joke was first told to me by a Punjabi woman who had referred to it as a sadarji joke. There are quite a few jokes known in India as sadarji jokes, many of them told by sadarjis themselves because they are quite comfortable at having a good laugh at themselves. I would compare them to Newfoundlanders from Canada, who also enjoy a good poke at themselves.

The irony is that both the Sikhs and Newfoundlanders are smart, industrious, hard-working people who enjoy a good laugh, not at the expense of others but at themselves because they, unlike so many uptight people that can't take a joke, are quite relaxed and comfortable with who they are.

**Edit I've removed the suggestion that this be read/ heard in an Indian accent. I'm assuming all you offended, neutral minded people when you read this joke that there won't be a trace of an accent that comes into your thoughts. The joke is funnier when a sadarji tells it.

So the doctor says “you my friend are in luck .. I just so happen to have a new machine in the back that can diagnose anything w a urine sample !” So the guy rolls his eyes and gives him a sample .. the doc takes his sample and says I’ll be right back .. after 10 min he comes back and says you got tennis elbow ! .. now take it easy w that elbow come back in 2 weeks and bring me another sample .. here’s a new cup to bring it back in ..
so the guy goes home starts thinking about this a bit more and says this doctor is a quack ! Machine in back .. whatever …that’s bullshit .. I’m gonna get him … so he gets some urine from his wife some from his daughter , goes to garage gets some oil out of his truck … then finally jerks off into the cup .. his appointment day arrives and he delivers his sample ..
the doctor says” thank you I’ll be right back “ sure enough after 10-15 minutes the doctor comes back and says “ Sir, your wife has VD, your daughters pregnant, you need a new head gasket and if you don’t stop jerking off you’re never gonna get rid of that tennis elbow !! “

My friend gave it to me just before he died; it seemed very important to him.

I sat down next to a beautiful blonde and she kept looking at me and my bulging pockets.

Finally, after many puzzled glances from her, I said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at me for a very long time, thinking deeply about what I had said.

Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.

They're talking about their marriages and the conversation turns to "pleasing the missus". The first guy says, "I have this great trick. After having sex I rub moisturising cream all over her body and she feels like she's floating an inch above the bed."

"Impressive," the 2nd guys says, "but after making love with my wife, I rub baby oil all over her body and it makes her feel like she's floating a foot abovew the bed."

"That's nothing," the 3rd guy says, "after sex with my wife, I get up and wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the fuckin' roof!"

Knock knock
Who’s there
Ah
Ah who
Werewolves of London

When birds woke up the parrot screamed “my wings they’re gone! They mustve ripped off by a predator!”

The dove screamed “my beak it’s missing! Someone must have sawed it off!”

The crow screamed “my feet theyre gone. Someone must have violently torn them off in a horrific and complex surgery!”

The owl looks at the crow and says “actually it was just a cream. And it only costs 13 dollars at Macy’s”

Once there was a catholic scribe who was hand copying one of the many important church manuscripts. When the Overseer walked by the monk said, “Father, I have a question.”

The Overseer, stopped and said, “What is it my son?”

The scribe said, “When I started as a scribe it was explained to me that in order to preserve the original manuscripts we never use them, we always make our copies from older copies.”

The Overseer nodded, “That is correct.”

The scribe continued, “I have always wondered if we never look at the original how do we know that someone didn’t make a mistake and we have just perpetuated that mistake again and again.”

The Overseer thought for a moment and said, “Please excuse me a moment my son.”

Soon all the monks heard the sound of crying and wailing coming from the basement of the Monastery.

They hurried down the stairs to find the Overseer weeping uncontrollably over a pile of the original manuscripts.

“What is wrong Father?” They asked in alarm, never seeing their Overseer given to any emotion.

The Overseer worked to collect himself and finally managed to say, “…the word is celebrate!”

"You don't get to ask a woman about that!"

"Come on, at least give me the first three numbers."

Gerry hat-trick

Is tightening Mrs. Potter's corset.

She asks, "Well, how are you doing back there?"

Groucho, tightening furiously replies "Don't worry. I used to be a riveter on the Golden Gate Bridge!"

I just needed an outlet.

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old.

My name is Mary, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, just on the off chance, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School .

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1991. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly, balding, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked:

"What did you teach?"

His first day he goes into the office. There's naked men and women everywhere, in groups having sex in full public view. Its all two men and one woman.

Naturally he's shocked and goes to the CEOs office, where a man and a sweaty naked woman are just leaving.

He says to the CEO, that all this sex and nudity isn't in his contract.

"sure it is" replies the CEO "why else do you think its called double-entry bookkeeping?"

Me: I saw a wolf of the way to work today.
Wife: where?
Me: no, the other kind.

It’s a real pain in the ass.

The teacher asks the children: – What does the word OBVIOUS mean? Little Marko comes in: - Well, teacher, here it is... My father drives a MERCEDES, my mother drives a BMW, and my grandmother drives a JEEP - OBVIOUSLY - we have money! Teacher: - Well done, Marko, you explained this very well! Let's see, who's next? Peter! Come on, Peter, explain to us what the word OBVIOUSLY means?

My grandmother goes to the meadow every morning. She carries ALLGEMEINE ZEITUNG under her left arm, and WASHINGTON POST under her right. Teacher (confused): - So what, Peter?

Well, nothing. Grandma doesn't know German, and she doesn't know English either - OBVIOUSLY she's on her way to take a shit!

A man walks in a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

The man answers, "A scotch on the rocks, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars."

"What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this," the man replies.

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he has a point there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender, now pissed off, says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for this one. But don't ever come back here again!"

A few days later, the same man walks into the bar.

The bartender says, "What do you think you're doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The man says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. I feel like you were here a few days ago. You must have a double."

To which the man replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

Inspect her gadget

A married couple is traveling to visit family. After almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decide to get a room. They only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they go to check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate'. The man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for use.

"But we didn't use them!" the husband says.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager. The manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows" the husband pleads.

"Well, we have them, and you could have" the manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentions, the husband replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gives up and agrees to pay.

He asks his wife to pay the manager. She pulls out $50 cash and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised. "But ma'am, this is only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replies. "What? I didn't sleep with you!" exclaims the manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have!"

will stop at nothing.

I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.