The first woman says: "My husband puts his entire hand in my vagina during sex"

The second woman says "Oh yeah? My husband puts his entire arm up to his shoulder inside my vagina"

The third woman says "Bob, come out, I won".

First Guy said "You all have nothing on me. I go to a bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have an 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than a 1,000 women"

Second Guy said "Oh yeah? Well I'm a top gynecologist at the most highly rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women."

The last guy said, "I have you all beat even though I have a small penis and am dead broke - I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."

First guy says "First time, I was so drunk that after sex, out of habit, I handed her $50. She slapped me and called me a whore monger."

Second guy says, "The same thing happened to me, but I was stoned. After sex I handed her $60. She slapped me and didn't talk to me for a week"

Third guy says, "It was much worse for me."

"Why? How did she react?"

"I was drunk AND stoned. After we had sex, I gave her a $100 bill."

"She slapped you too?"

"No. She gave me $30 in change."

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

Autocorrect jumped in and changed it to "Shirley, you can't be serious."

I was baffled for a moment, then I realized...

I had left my phone on Airplane! mode.

And into the barber shop walks a boy about 5 years old.

The barber leans to the man and says "Watch how dumb this kid is."

The barber calls the little boy over and says, "Do you want this 1 dollar bill? Or would you rather have 2 shiny quarters?"

The little boy proudly exclaims "2 is better than one of course!" And takes the 50 cents and leaves.

As the man leaves the barber shop, the boy is standing on the street and the man says "hey, young man, you know that $1 is worth more than 2 quarters, right?"

"Yes sir" replies the kid, "But the day I take the dollar, he stops doing it. I make $2 a week this way!"

are construction workers on a high rise. They sit down and open their lunch pales one by one.

The German says “Sausage and sauerkraut again! If I get sausage and sauerkraut one more time I’m jumping off of this building.”

The Brit says “Bangers and mash! I swear if I get bangers and mash one more time I’ll be jumping off here with you.”

The Newfie says “Fish cakes again! I’ll be joining you fellers tomorrow if I get fish cakes again.”

The next day they open their lunch pales and get the same thing as the day before and jump off of the building.

At their funeral the Germans wife says “I don’t know why he did this, he told me he loved sausage and sauerkraut.” The Brits wife says “Same here, bangers and mash were his absolute favourite.” The Newphie’s wife chimes in and says “I don’t know why he jumped, he makes his own lunch every day.”

and not using commas.

Hello hello hello

and confidently said it was Colonel Mustard, in the Billiard Room with the candlestick.

But Argon doesn't react.

A woman who is devastatingly ugly, blisteringly stupid, fatter than humanly possible,

but also gets fucked more than anyone on the planet.

When I returned to the classroom to get it, it was on the flop and some jerk was standing on it.

He didn’t notice that he was standing on it because he was too busy harassing a female student.

So I puffed up my chest, walked over to him and got in his face.

I said “look bro, you’re not going to stand here and harass this girl”

“NOT ON MY WATCH”

Pop.

Because they cum in pears.

Of course, that's 45 with wind chill.

Not surprising, really. Many tall birds are ostrich-sized.

But we’re working out the kinks.

"No shit,Sherlock!"

What is Jean-Ralphio Saperstein's favorite thing about Germany?

It's the wuuuuuuurst~!

A robber stole $1000 worth of phone chargers from an electronics store. The police had to drop the case as they couldn't find any leads.

So he goes to the check-in counter and the agent asks if he has any luggage he'd like to check.

"No," replies the vulture, "all I've got is this carrion."

£0.80

It was on fire when I went in there.

And using extra commas.