Autocorrect jumped in and changed it to "Shirley, you can't be serious."

I was baffled for a moment, then I realized...

I had left my phone on Airplane! mode.

First Guy said "You all have nothing on me. I go to a bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have an 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than a 1,000 women"

Second Guy said "Oh yeah? Well I'm a top gynecologist at the most highly rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women."

The last guy said, "I have you all beat even though I have a small penis and am dead broke - I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."

And into the barber shop walks a boy about 5 years old.

The barber leans to the man and says "Watch how dumb this kid is."

The barber calls the little boy over and says, "Do you want this 1 dollar bill? Or would you rather have 2 shiny quarters?"

The little boy proudly exclaims "2 is better than one of course!" And takes the 50 cents and leaves.

As the man leaves the barber shop, the boy is standing on the street and the man says "hey, young man, you know that $1 is worth more than 2 quarters, right?"

"Yes sir" replies the kid, "But the day I take the dollar, he stops doing it. I make $2 a week this way!"

The first woman says: "My husband puts his entire hand in my vagina during sex"

The second woman says "Oh yeah? My husband puts his entire arm up to his shoulder inside my vagina"

The third woman says "Bob, come out, I won".

First guy says "First time, I was so drunk that after sex, out of habit, I handed her $50. She slapped me and called me a whore monger."

Second guy says, "The same thing happened to me, but I was stoned. After sex I handed her $60. She slapped me and didn't talk to me for a week"

Third guy says, "It was much worse for me."

"Why? How did she react?"

"I was drunk AND stoned. After we had sex, I gave her a $100 bill."

"She slapped you too?"

"No. She gave me $30 in change."

A woman who is devastatingly ugly, blisteringly stupid, fatter than humanly possible,

but also gets fucked more than anyone on the planet.

Hello hello hello

are construction workers on a high rise. They sit down and open their lunch pales one by one.

The German says “Sausage and sauerkraut again! If I get sausage and sauerkraut one more time I’m jumping off of this building.”

The Brit says “Bangers and mash! I swear if I get bangers and mash one more time I’ll be jumping off here with you.”

The Newfie says “Fish cakes again! I’ll be joining you fellers tomorrow if I get fish cakes again.”

The next day they open their lunch pales and get the same thing as the day before and jump off of the building.

At their funeral the Germans wife says “I don’t know why he did this, he told me he loved sausage and sauerkraut.” The Brits wife says “Same here, bangers and mash were his absolute favourite.” The Newphie’s wife chimes in and says “I don’t know why he jumped, he makes his own lunch every day.”

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

But we’re working out the kinks.

Mr. Bus

and not using commas.

Not surprising, really. Many tall birds are ostrich-sized.

But Argon doesn't react.

His wife brings him a cup of coffee.

He takes a gulp and winces:

Programmer: Darling, can't you remember I hate coffee without sugar?

Wife: Of course I remember that, love, but I missed your voice so much...

Curious, he walks into the yard and sees a Golden Retriever sitting on a rug.
"Is it true? You can talk?" the man asks.
"Yep," the dog replies in a smooth, cultured voice. "I discovered my gift when I was a pup. The CIA recruited me, and I spent ten years in covert ops wiretapping foreign embassies. After that, I did security for the UN, saved three kids from a burning house, and now I'm just enjoying retirement."

The man is completely blown away. He runs up the porch stairs, hands the owner a ten-dollar bill, and says, "Why on earth are you selling an extraordinary dog like this for ten bucks?!"

The owner rolls his eyes and says, "Because he's a fucking liar. He never did any of that shit."

Apparently holidays to the arctic and Antarctic are the same cost as last year. The prices have been frozen.

When I returned to the classroom to get it, it was on the flop and some jerk was standing on it.

He didn’t notice that he was standing on it because he was too busy harassing a female student.

So I puffed up my chest, walked over to him and got in his face.

I said “look bro, you’re not going to stand here and harass this girl”

“NOT ON MY WATCH”

When you walk through the produce department, you smell the scent of fresh buttered corn on the cob. A few steps away, you smell the scent of sautéed peppers and onions. And in the next aisle, you smell the scent of hot apple pie.

The produce department also has a water misting system to keep the herbs and lettuce fresh. Just before it turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and you smell the scent of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk case, you hear cows mooing and you smell the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear chickens clucking and you smell the scent of bacon and eggs frying.

When you walk past the baking ingredients, you smell the scent of fresh bread and muffins.

When you walk past the laundry detergent, you smell the scent of clean linens.

I refuse to buy my toilet paper there.

Because they cum in pears.

and confidently said it was Colonel Mustard, in the Billiard Room with the candlestick.

Of course, that's 45 with wind chill.

Pop.

"No shit,Sherlock!"

An old lady named Rose, with dementia, liked riding her scooter around the old folks home.

It only did 5MPH, but in her mind she was moving at breakneck speeds.

The other residents and staff liked to humor her.

One staff member held out her hand like a cop, pulling her over. She said "Rose, you were speeding. I'll need to see your driver's license."

Rose pulls a picture of her grandchildren out of her purse and hands it over. The staff member tells her she's free to go.

Resuming riding, she's soon pulled over by Mabel, one of the other residents. Mabel informs Rose that there have been reports of a stolen car matching the description of Rose's scooter. "I'll need to see your registration."

Rose pulls an expired coupon out, Mabel inspects it, and informs Rose that she's free to go.

Rose zooms off down a hallway and accidentally makes a turn into George's room, another resident, instead of the next hallway. She crashes into his coffee table.

George, hearing the commotion, comes running out of the bathroom, dick in hand.

Rose yells out, "Not another breathalyzer test!"