My Q learned through therapy that alcoholism is a disease and often runs in family and he is now weaponizing this against me.

For the moment, he is sober. But he has struggled with alcoholism since high school.

He didn’t believe he was an alcoholic for awhile and now he’s weaponizing the fact that it’s a “disease”, telling me that I’m being hard on him because he has a disease, that I’m not there for him “in sickness and in health” because I am still hurt about his actions while drunk, and that I should forgive him because he has a disease.

Am I crazy or is he being a manipulative asshole?

Howdy.

I recently have been going through some pretty intense health problems that resulted in me having to schedule a minor procedure. This whole experience is extremely stressful, and is not the kind of thing I wish to share at meetings. Thus, I've been avoiding meetings for awhile. I've been the most depressed I've been in a long time, and that paired with the constant fatigue and nausea I experience daily with this health flare up, I can't gather the courage or strength to go to meetings. I feel guilty for not going. It's hard on me mentally and emotionally to hear others struggle, and that paired with my own internal struggle feels like too much. I know after this procedure I will feel better and will eventually return to meetings...but am I valid for not going during this time? I am unsure.

My husband has smoked weed every night for years. We have 2 little kids (3 and 1.5) and I'm just sick of it. I have been asking him to stop since we had our first one. While I was pregnant I said, who would drive me to the hospital in the middle of the night if I go into labor? He has stopped for a couple weeks at a time but I won't put up with it anymore. He says it relaxes him and he needs it to sleep, so I said no smoking when the kids are awake and he even does that on the weekends now despite me telling him not to. He also has been prescribed zoloft and xanax for anxiety before our youngest was born. He is still taking daily xanax 18 MONTHS LATER. I don't know how his MD is still prescribing this to be honest. He also ran out on vacation and got 50 1 mg pills from a friend and those are more than halfway gone over the last 2 months. I told him we will have to consider separation (which i do NOT want to do) we don't have any family near us and I genuinely have no idea how that would work. He got pissed off and told me he wants to blast my therapist for putting the idea in my head. Texted multiple people asking if they gave me the idea of an ultimatum. I told him it was my idea. The date I picked it because I'm traveling and he will be alone with the kids (his parents are staying on the property and don't like driving here) and I need someone sober and responsible for middle of the night care. There are many other aspects to our marriage of me needing more help and him saying I'm ungrateful since he works full time and does bath/bedtime every night but he rushes through it so he can go smoke. I have daycare for the kids 1 day a week so I can run my microbakery which truly brings me joy and anytime I'm overwhelmed he tells me to cut down on that. I truly just don't even know where to go from here other than to wait and see what happens in a few weeks. He says hes been making progress but selling his grow equipment and going down from 2 joints a night to 1. But its not progress to me because he always increases then goes back down. And the xanax is another story. I honestly don't even know what I need. Maybe some words from others going through something similar? I feel like pot is looked at as not a big deal but it is ruining our marriage. I think he would sleep better, improve his cognition, his anxiety may decrease. But obviously he needs to make the decision for himself. I'm sick over this. I don't know what options I have other than separation if he doesn't stop.

Hi everyone. I went no contact with my Q (ex 48m) two months ago because he wanted to drink himself to death and I had to save myself. His mom texted that he's in the hospital with 3 bleeding ulcers and rectal bleeding. She said the dr told him he'll die if he drinks anything again. I love his mom and I know she's hurting. Has anyone gone through this? I may send her words of encouragement but I don't think I should be involved with him in any way. Advice please.

Hi everyone. I have been separated from my husband going on two years. He was living with his mother after rehab, as I did not want him home around the kids and myself at that point. He stayed there for a year, and relapsed again and again, until eventually their dynamic got so bad that he moved out and is living in a motel because I still wont let him home. This has not been easy for me as deep down I love him, but he has never properly made amends or taken the program seriously, and when he has it never lasts for more than a month.

During this time, his mother and I became friends, and I trusted her to supervise, but more and more she expected me to come along on the visits with my kids so I could supervise, and she could essentially be the good cop. It got toxic for me, and I am secretly glad he is no longer living there, as I was expected to supervise alone anyway and was tired of her comments standing up for him. Since he has left, she made it clear to him that he can return any time he wants, and doesnt even have to apologize as, "She knows he is sorry." He has never once expressed remorse.

I have been trying to raise the boys alone and balance this dynamic, and I have become less close to her. However, recently my husband went on a bender and was texting me things about both his mother and myself, and I gave her a courtesy call to let her know to not reach out to him, and that he was being cruel. She said to me, "Well, I am actually going to still say good night to him. I do it every night. He needs to know his mama is still there. And deep down maybe he still cares." I got off the phone after she chatted with the kids briefly and felt resigned. She just seems to have blinders on about the situation. This is a man who isnt being a present father or responsible person. He doesnt need any more empathy. I feel at a certain point if you keep showing love when he is mistreating his wife and kids, you're essentially saying it is ok in your book.

So what do you all think of this dynamic? Am I being too harsh by pulling back from her? How do I balance my relationship with her with the fact that she is an enabler? She is my kids grandmother and I love her dearly, but she doesnt seem healthy at all. I am sure I dont either, but it is often unavoidable for me as I am always trying to balance coparenting with the kids.

Thanks to anyone who listened.

My husband is an addict. I am 36 weeks pregnant. I am giving birth in 2 days to twins. I can’t even believe I’m typing this. My husband was addicted to heroin before we met. He went to rehab, got clean.

Years ago I found kratom powder in his room. He explained to me what it was and I was so naive that I believed he would just stop doing it.

We are in NJ, since yesterday I have been having these suspicions of my husband and I found 1000MG Kama kratom tablets in his work bag. I have done research and now I see it’s not just kratom it’s 7OH tablets. It’s a Sunday, I am giving birth Tuesday morning. I’m at my absolute end. This has not been an easy pregnancy for me by any means and it’s my first pregnancy. I never was into any hard drugs, pills. I feel so naive. He’s fully addicted to 7OH. Has been on it for almost a whole year, and has spent thousands.

He wants to go on Suboxone and taper off with medical help, I am petrified of him being hooked on that. I am petrified of everything. Please help me.

He has always had stomach issues I assume from the amount he drinks. Never has normal bowel movements but he also has crohns in his family history as well. His real father isn’t in his life so we don’t know a lot about that history on his dads side. Anyways! This weekend he had severe stomach pain all three days. Slept a lot and was just overall irritated (which the irritation isn’t abnormal) but the severity of his stomach pain is.

I came up with a letter to send while he’s at work (sober) to talk about going to the doctor for his stomach pain. I’ve read about pancreatic problems, ulcers etc so I think it’s really important to get him there to address whatever the cause is.

I’m working on managing myself and my children. “Dropping the rope palms up” Not including my husband. But he will just let his health go if I say nothing. I am scared for him. I’m scared for our kids growing up without a father. I always go to worse case scenarios.. I want so badly to bring him to the doctor as I would one of my kids and tell them the amount he is drinking so they can properly test for this. I’ve read about medical detox and the help they could give him. He worries about losing his job. But they could help him outpatient especially since he works 40 hours a week 10 hour days so he could potentially do it without work knowing.

I guess I’m asking for support and advice on how to approach this gently. It’s so easy to say the wrong thing and get him all riled up, defensive and pissed. He thinks I don’t care when I bring up how I care every single time. I’ve tried explaining because of this addiction I have a wall up, I still care, always will, but I have to protect myself. So maybe I seem cold. But I’m bringing this up because I care. I am not cold. I am. Exhausted. I am scared of losing him. I can’t stand watching someone slowly kill themselves, be constantly blamed, and not be able to do anything about it except “focus on myself and kids”….

I had these children with him with the intention of raising happy, healthy, and loved kids… I want to do this with their father. I want him to be happy and healthy and feel loved. He won’t let us love him. He won’t get healthy. I feel so helpless.

And to think I could go through this with one of our kids. Addictive personalities. Ugh the agony of thinking of the future and possibly having to go through this again with the people I love. It’s like a fucking nightmare guys :/

I (34M) have been with my girlfriend (34F) for about 3 years. We live together. I'm writing because I'm exhausted and I don't know what's real anymore.

For a long time we drank together — on a typical night out, 3–4 beers plus 3–4 shots of hard liquor each. At some point I realized this was too much and said we needed to stop. I cut way down myself — these days I only have 1–2 drinks, just to keep her company so she doesn't feel like she's drinking alone. That was about a year ago, and we've been arguing about it ever since. She does pay a bit more attention to how much she drinks now, but not to how often.

For the last two weeks I quietly kept a log of what I saw: she drank on 9 out of 16 days, and on most of those days it was the equivalent of 4–7 drinks (3–5 large beers, a bottle of wine, or a small bottle of cognac). When she says "one glass," it's never one glass. Recently I found an opened bottle that disappeared overnight — I'm fairly sure she hid it.

She's on an antidepressant (venlafaxine) whose leaflet literally says not to drink alcohol. She also has early fatty liver on an ultrasound, and lately unexplained bruises and nosebleeds. In February I found her semi-conscious on the bathroom floor in her own vomit after what she says was only 4 beers. I stayed up all night checking her breathing and went to work without sleep. She said someone must have spiked her drink. She was scared for a few days, then it was back to normal.

Every time I bring it up, she hears it as an attack. In her mind, an "alcoholic" is a homeless person, and since she goes to work, she doesn't have a problem. She says her friends, her psychologist and her psychiatrist all think she's fine, and that I'm the one who's wrong. Tonight it ended with me being "the problem" again.

I'm not perfect either. I've called her an alcoholic in arguments, I've tried to leave 2–3 times and came back each time after she promised to change, and I've gone along with drinking to keep the peace.

I can see that I can't make her stop. I feel like I'm the only "brake" in her life, and I'm terrified that if I leave, things will get much worse for her. But I'm also losing myself — I've stopped my hobbies, I'm always anxious, always checking.

For those who have been here:
How did you stop trying to convince them?
When I go along with it to avoid a fight, am I making it worse?
How did you decide whether to stay or leave?
Did Al-Anon meetings help you, and how did you start?

Thank you for reading.

I´m gonna start by apologizing about my english, no my first language... Anyway, my fiance has finally agreed to start an outpatient programme for his alcoholism. We´ve been together for 11 years, he´s always had too much to drink but in the last couple of years things went out of hand. I´m very grateful that he´s going through recovery, seeing a therapist and trying to pick up new hobbies and stuff, but he´s become extremely selfish and all I can feel is that there´s not enough room for me in this relationship because everything has to do with his recovery and with him avoiding situations, places and everything else where there might me alcohol. I´ve tried to carry on doing things I enjoy (seeing friends, going out) but he seems angry and resentful when I come home because "he can´t drink and go out like I do". I almost feel like he tries to manipulate me by saying "you don´t like me anymore because I no longer drink... you prefer me when I am a drunk"... which is extremely hurtful since I am he´s companion and the only one who´s been extremely supportive about his recovery. To be honest, if it wasnt for me he wouldnt have done the effort to start the programme and I hate the person that he becomes when drunk... but I feel invisible and no longer myself in this relationship. Can anyone relate? Thoughts?

Broke up due to his (45M) alcoholism a month ago. We were together for a decade. The breakup caused him a psychotic episode , and he is drinking even more to cope.

Today we met for a walk, to chat about life in general. He confessed that he met with his old buddies and partied for 3 days straight. I know those people and they use drugs on parties, but he has never, ever in his life tried any and was extremely against it (never even had a cig).

Even though he is extremely autodestructive after the breakup, I never thought he would join them in using drugs. I asked him if he still relies only on alcohol, expecting fully for him to confirm, but... he told me no. I stopped, asked him to clarify, and he full-on confessed that the tried drugs out of desperation to cope with negative feelings. And been using since.

I am devastated. We are broken up, but we were together for a decade, I still love him too much. I know I am not responsible for his decisions but... it literally feels like he would never try drugs if he hasn't met me ever. I am afraid for his health, I am afraid he purposely wants to destroy himself. I am not coping well with that information.

I really beat myself up for being an enabler. Here's what I wrote today to get it off my chest (I write in second person as an emotional distancing measure):

You would catch him pouring whiskey in his iced tea. 9 in the morning. 11 at night. Time was truly immaterial in his house, a passing shape, a shadow, and to attempt to exist inside of it, to attempt to impose reason on the everyday way things were done, proved impossible. 

Alcohol did most of the work. You could have sworn that it was rubbing the numbers off of the clock, that your phone was always dying, or about to die, and that you were preparing to step into a twilight zone that didn’t concern the outside world at all. 

Terrifying, to fall asleep in a place like that. More terrifying still to step out onto the rotting porch and feel the entirety of your life, your heart, sag underneath you at the sight of blue grey smoke haloing his beautiful thundercloud of hair. 

Of course you asked him if he was alright. Of course you said that he should go to the doctor, if his back was hurting that badly. But any mention of the doctor was the emotional equivalent of drawing a knife: fear quickly suppressed by anger and worse, righteous indignation. The doctors are useless. Their tests are expensive. 

He would drive out to the little ranch house in the country and let the man he met on the internet contort his body every which way, pulling the muscles back to where they should be. You just sat in the car, of course. Watching the wind in the trees. Maybe stoned, maybe not, because let’s not pretend you were on your best behavior either, back then. 

(You knew if you said anything, really said anything, or argued, he would ask you to leave. He wouldn’t be able to stand you. And yet already he couldn’t stand you. The sound of your feet. Your laugh echoing from another room. That’s why he drinks, you sometimes told yourself. You had to keep your distance. You tied your tongue in the tightest knot you knew, the one they taught you in school. You couldn’t bear it, if he asked you to leave). 

He told you he could hear someone calling his name from off in the forest and together you would try to find whatever it was. Only frogs ever turned up, tiny fish in the deep pockets of the creek, and then you’d usher him back inside like a mother chasing her son through the door so they don’t get caught in the arriving storm. 

When it got cold he would set a lawn chair in the attic and fill an old Simply Orange container with gin, rum, and peach juice. You listened to the sound of grenade explosions and gun battles coming through the hatch in the ceiling, like a jaw bone permanently swung open. Voices from the back of a throat. Smoke would pour down too, and you would marvel that he could stare at his phone screen that long, piloting fictional ships through fictional space. You’d wait for the sun to set and then he’d come down, smoothly, as if he wasn’t drunk at all, and declare that he’d like to go to bed. You didn’t have the heart to remind him that you had made dinner plans. He remembered next to nothing that you told him, but for you it was impossible to forget the sting of his annoyance, the handful of times you did try to remind him of things like this. Dates you had planned. A repair on your car. A message from his mother. 

You were a mosquito. A house fly. An irritation beyond measure. He thought you were trying to manipulate him. He thought you were making things up. He would cry, even, complaining that his mind was entirely mist. So you shrank. You stopped asking. And one day you were small enough to fly right out the screen door.

You tell yourself, thank God no one got hurt. But you did, didn’t you? Why isn’t that hurt enough?

My mom (44 F) has been an addict since before my sister (20 F ) and I (22 F) were born.
So was my dad. But after he passed away in 2011 things got even worse. She didn’t get custody back of us until she could prove she was sober and that didn’t happen until 2018. Since then she relapsed and now that I’m an adult I can see how bad it actually is.
About a year and a half ago she told us to at she was short for her portion of rent ( we live in a two bedroom apartment, my sister and mom have a room, and I live in the dining room). At the time I had no problem covering her part for a month or two as this was the first time it had ever happened. However now it’s been a long time since she even gave me 100 for rent and it is starting to really take a toll on me.
I have always wanted to live out, but rent where we live is insane and I would end up having to be a roommate to random people, so I have always just chose to stay since my sister helps pay a little less than half of rent.
Since she relapsed there of course have been the continuous promises of getting sober with no steps or actions to show for it.
Since my dad is dead I have always found it hard to draw strict boundaries with her as I would hate for her to end up dying out in the streets or to be so mad at me she wouldn’t want to talk to me. But with the types of men she brings into the house sometimes I get really close to having enough. Often times I don’t feel safe.
The day before yesterday she had to call the cops on her bf who barricaded himself in her room and who has previously been abusive and stole stuff from her (and hit on my sister when she was only 19).
I don’t know what to do anymore or where to go from here.

My Q is in her 40s, has 2 siblings, and parents. She is going to rehab soon and no one on her side of the family has reached out to me? We live far away from them. I’m starting to think am I supposed to reach out to them? Or is it strange I haven’t heard from them? My Q set clear expectations that they can call me if they’d like, I figured they would by now but maybe I’m wrong in thinking that? Not sure how to handle this and honestly I’m feeling pretty ignored by them, but I’m not sure if that’s wrong of me.

For context my W has gone sober before, but not rehab. And when she did her family did call me to check in. Im not sure why this time is different? I also think they all abuse alcohol so that could have something to do with it?

TIA

My brother had a tonic colonic seizure months ago from drinking a ton of little new Amsterdam vodka shooters. We after a bad hangover he’ll stop drinking almost a week and then go back to daily drinking only now he’s on naltrexone, and my mom makes sure he takes it daily. So rather than seeming happy when drunk he seems more zombie than anything. Becomes really slow too, and I don’t think he’s aware of how intoxicated, or dehydrated he is at times. He also just got a new car so he’s behind the wheel. The worst of it I think may be his sleep apnea, that he gets REALLY bad when he goes to bed drunk. He doesn’t breathe very well and I think it’s rendering him even more exhausted.

Any and all advice on how to help him is appreciated. I don’t wanna lose my little brother

My Q came home stumbling drunk after hanging out with a friend all day. The friend is here from out of town and is also an alcoholic. Husband hung out with this friend the last time he was in town and was able to control himself. I trusted him.

After he was gone for way longer than I thought he’d be, I texted and asked if he needed a ride. He told me no, he was fine. Again, I trusted him. We’ve been in marriage counseling and the counselor has told me I need to start trusting what he says when he tells me something (generally speaking).

I was enraged. I had to stop myself from going upstairs where he passed out and screaming at him and kicking him. That’s not like me and I hate that I felt that level of anger. I’m just so disgusted with him.

I feel stupid for trusting him. I feel partly responsible for him driving home. I should have known better and insisted on picking him up.

I called his mom and told her what was going on. She’s coming in from out of town this weekend. He won’t listen to me. He thinks it’s not a problem because he stopped getting drunk every day. Maybe his mom can get through to him.

This might be the end of my marriage and I’m so overwhelmed.

Today’s the day we take my bf to rehab in Oklahoma . This will be my first time being with someone who had an alcohol addiction like his . My sons father was a drinker too and not a nice one but never to the extent of him having withdraws etc . So this is all a first for me . We been together almost 3 years. And the relationship has been rocky . It’s not easy being with someone who is an alcoholic .. I feel like I put so much energy and effort to make this relationship work. Look past the addiction and be patient. But doing that for so long and not much has gotten resolved or better or even addressed . And this makes it ten times harder . Part of me wants to salvage and part of me is exhausted and disappointed I let things slide like I have been . Like it’s to late … but I don’t want it to be . But it’s put me in a spot to where my mind set is saying well if it works out it works out if it don’t then it DONT … am I a bad person for feeling this way .. is it normal to feel this way in this situation ? Fck

Hi, I'm 23m, and unfortunately, almost everyone in my extended family is an alcoholic. Both of my grandfathers were alcoholics, my father was an alcoholic and a drug addict, my stepfather is an alcoholic, and one of my grandmothers also has problems with alcohol.

My parents divorced because of my father's addictions. I still visited him sometimes, and I often saw him in a terrible state. Almost every time. It was awful. Sometimes he'd leave the house so I wouldn't have to see him like that.

After the divorce, he lost his job and didn't work for more than six months. For most of my life, I remember him being unemployed. Once, when I was a child, I saw him going through withdrawal. I didn't understand what was happening, but I was terrified.

When he was sober, though, he was a really good person, and I genuinely loved him. I both loved and hated him. And the most frightening part was that I resembled him my whole life, and I thought I'd end up just as pathetic.

Now he's gone. He's been gone for three years, and in that time, I've experienced being just as pathetic myself—not because of alcohol or drugs, but because of depression. I spent two years lying around and doing nothing, and the memories of my father tormented me.

But that's behind me now. I've realized I'm different, and I don't feel that way anymore. I've forgiven him. He never wanted to ruin my life. He was weak, just as I can sometimes be weak.

He was a terrible father, but sometimes he was a good dad.

My two grandfathers are gone as well. They both passed away shortly after my father—one a month later, the other six months later. They were kind, wonderful people when they were sober, too, but alcohol turned them into aggressive animals.

I don't really know why I'm writing all this. Seeing what alcohol did to my family as a child, I swore I would never drink, smoke, or use drugs. And to this day, I don't.

This shit destroys families.

I (35F) and my wife (37F) have been together for 11 years. My wife is an alcoholic and drinking pretty much daily.

In April of this year, my wife confessed she had tried to “come onto” her friend on NYE. She was at a NYE party with friends and they all were drunk and she tried to hit on and kiss this friend. This wasn’t a random person; it was someone my wife had feelings for (emotionally and sexually). I wasn’t at the party because I was home recovering from surgery. She insists that “nothing happened” with this friend. She says the friend is straight and rejected her on NYE.

She and this friend work together— different departments, but there is overlap from time to time. I care about those interactions but there’s nothing I can do because it’s work. However—She hangs out with and talks to and drinks with this friend frequently outside of work. She INSISTS on staying friends with this person because “nothing happened” and “I don’t have feelings anymore for her”. Also, this friend has been an affair partner with another person for over a year (per my wife) so “of course nothing happened.” That did little to reassure me.

No matter how many times I tell her that I feel extremely uncomfortable about this friendship, she continues to insist on remaining friends with this person. She says “This person is very important to me”. She always follow up with “and you’re the most important to me.”

It also doesn’t help that my wife is an alcoholic, has unaddressed mental health issues, AND has a brain tumor that is very much affecting her judgement and mental health right now.

I feel so much betrayal and pain. I don’t understand why she won’t cut off the friendship because she knows how much it hurts me. I have told her repeatedly how uncomfortable I am. I have told her repeatedly how every time she hangs out with this person, it feels like a scab being peeled off my skin. The scab never heals.

I just need some support. I just want my story to be seen and feel like I’m not crazy for wanting the friendship to end. Right? I’m not crazy right?

My husband (40m) and I(35f) have been married for 3 years, together for 10. We have been struggling to have children. I recently changed my diet, I work out, and highly motivated to do whatever needs to be done in order to conceive. My husband expressed that he’s on board with our plans to conceive but I think he’s lying. I had an honest conversation with him about his drinking. I think it’s gotten a lot worse in the past year, so he agreed to cut it out as we try to conceive. Fast forward to yesterday, I used his car to run a quick errand. I noticed a medium size cooler in the trunk. When I opened it I found 5 full size bottles of vodka on ice. I’m in shock, I don’t know how to move forward.

I moved out almost 3 months, still need to get the majority of my stuff, but I couldn’t stay in that environment anymore. Tale as old as time…he has continued abusing drugs and alcohol. I went on a business trip this past week and ended up blocking him due to his behavior and the name calling, blah blah blah. He’s still blocked…but forgot to block him on instagram.

Flash forward to today and his behavior really ramped up. Blaming me, being a nasty person, and now attempting to emotionally manipulate me by saying he’s not going to be around much longer. I said he needs to reach out to a mental health professional and if he needs help to call someone.

Of course I know this was just a manipulation tactic on his part but good lord this is exhausting. His favorite line is you’re not better than me, and I’m not smarter than him. I gave up on us, I’m a cold hearted bitch, the list goes on.

Sooooo thank you sir, but I will officially start the divorce process by reaching out to a lawyer this week.

It’s like that song goes…I can see clearly now the crazy is gone…or something like that. They are absolutely and utterly exhausting individuals.

TLDR: My mom has struggled with addiction my entire life. After years of rehab, relapse, overdoses, and me constantly worrying about her, this weekend felt like my breaking point: she drove home drunk on Friday, then got blackout drunk the next day and slept through a dinner with my friends that she had been excited about for weeks. I no longer want a relationship with her while she is drinking or using. I'm also very close to my stepdad, who may finally be considering divorce, and I'm struggling with how to step away from her without losing him or continuing to feel responsible for her.

My mom has struggled with addiction for most of my life, and I think I may actually be at a point where I need to step away for good.

She had a very traumatic upbringing and became a mother extremely young. I have a lot of empathy for what she went through, but I also grew up dealing with the consequences of her addiction.

As a kid, I was constantly worried about whether she was safe, whether she would come home, whether she was drinking, and whether something terrible had happened. Over the years, her issues have involved alcohol, pills/opioids, gambling, and kratom. She has had serious consequences before, including an alcohol related accident that resulted in a felony, and I have also had to call 911 for her in the past when she was barely responsive after overdosing on who knows what.

For a while, things seemed stable after she met my stepdad. For the first time in my life I didn't worry. He is a really good person, and I consider him my dad. But over the last several years, her addiction has gotten worse again.

She has been to rehab, outpatient treatment, AA, and therapy. She has had periods of sobriety, but they never seem to last. There is always some reason a program or group doesn't work for her, and the cycle starts over again.

Prior to Friday, I thought she was somewhat stable. Not completely sober, but not actively spiraling either. We have always been very close, and we recently took a trip together where she was sober the entire time. Last year, I set a hard boundary that I would not be around her if she was intoxicated, and to her credit, she has been respectful of that boundary. Because of that, I think I had started to believe things were at least slightly under control.

However, this past weekend felt like a breaking point for me.

On Friday, I called her after work and immediately realized she was drunk while driving home. Thankfully she made it home safely. I was (and still am) furious.

The next day, I had friends coming over to my parents' house for dinner. My mom had been excited about it for weeks, she was so excited to meet them. I thought there was NO WAY she would disrespect me like that. I had plans to talk to her afterwards about the drinking and driving situation. When I arrived, my partner discovered that she was blackout drunk and completely incapacitated. She ended up sleeping through the entire get together while the rest of us had dinner upstairs.

We had a great time with my friends, and my stepdad was such a rock during the whole ordeal, but I was really shocked, disappointed, and hurt.

My stepdad mentioned divorce for the first time. Honestly, surprising it's the first time considering all that he has put up with over the years. He has spent years helping her financially, paying for treatment, cleaning up messes, and trying to support her. I would not blame him if he decided he was done.

My mom has since apologized and said she knows she messed up and will get better. I know she feels ashamed and embarrassed. I haven't responded to her, and I don't plan to either.

At this point, I don't want to have a relationship with her while she is still drinking or using. My previous boundary was that I wouldn't be around her while she was intoxicated, but that doesn't feel like enough anymore.

I am tired of checking on her, worrying about whether she is alive, wondering what she is taking, trying to rescue her, and waiting for the next crisis.

I am also very close to my stepdad, which makes this more complicated. I don't want to lose my relationship with him because of her addiction.

I would really like to hear from people who have dealt with an alcoholic or addicted parent.

How did you know when it was time to step away or cut contact? How did you stop feeling responsible for them? And if you had another parent or stepparent you were close to, how did you maintain that relationship without getting pulled back into the addiction?

More than anything, I just want to hear from people who understand what this feels like.

Last night me partner was drunk and snoring I asked him to roll over and was pushing his arm to get him to roll over as he wasn't waking up. He yelled "I'm going to break your face" I was really shocked and yelled back that I just want him to roll over to stop snoring and he said he's going to "break my fucking neck". I said he is being just like his Dad which I shouldn't have said and he left the room, he also denied threatening to hit me only a few minutes after saying it.

Earlier today we both apologised, he went for a bike ride and hasn't returned tonight he is out drunk and is angry again.

I am in shock and have been really upset just wanting his support. What should I do

My husband is my Q, we’ve been together for 7 years, and about 3 years ago I realized, that his drinking problems are more than just fun social drinking. Today he drinks almost every day, he lies a lot, and I feel like I don’t know this person anymore. It feels like living with someone who looks like the man I love, talks like him, bur it’s just some kind of brain eating parasite who imitates the person he used to be, and it breaks my heart

Can this actually work long-term, or am I fooling myself?

Two years into my relationship, I’m becoming increasingly concerned about my partner’s drinking. It took a while for me to really see it as a problem.

He works, handles his responsibilities, rarely gets hungover, and generally doesn’t seem drunk. But he drinks often, and sometimes quite a bit.

The thing is, I never know what drinking is going to look like. Sometimes it’s two beers. Sometimes it’s a giant margarita at dinner, a shot of tequila, and then another two beers at home. Once he starts, I don’t know how far it’s going to go, and I really struggle with that.

He’s different when he drinks. More talkative, more affectionate. But I prefer him sober. When he’s sober, I don’t question his affection or the things he says. When he’s drinking, I find myself feeling sad that alcohol seems to make it easier for him to let his guard down.

He’s told me drinking has been an issue in every past relationship. He’s been given ultimatums before and has chosen to leave rather than change his drinking. He has a very strong sense of independence, and any suggestion that someone is telling him what to do tends to make him defensive.

I understand that I can’t control his drinking, and I don’t want to. But I recently told him that just as he gets to make his own choices, I get to have feelings about those choices. His drinking changes my experience of our time together, too.

Lately, he’s started giving me a heads-up when he’s going to drink, which I genuinely appreciate. I’m trying to handle things differently by removing myself from situations that make me uncomfortable.

Last night, I went to bed early while he stayed up drinking at my house. Tonight, he invited me to stay over, and I really wanted to go. But he told me he’d be drinking, so I decided to stay home. I didn’t want to go over, start wondering how much he’d drink, and eventually have to make the painful decision to leave.
And honestly, that part sucks. I’m giving up time with someone I love because I don’t want to be around his drinking.

I also told him I’m concerned about us getting into a cycle where he drinks, I get upset, he gets upset about my reaction, and then drinks more because he’s upset. He seemed to understand what I was saying.

I’m finding that making my own choices instead of trying to influence his is helping me feel calmer. But I’m also wondering what kind of relationship we’re going to have if I keep choosing to remove myself.

I love this man. I want a future with him. But I also know I have to make decisions based on who he is today, rather than who I hope he might become.

Can this actually be sustainable? Can you have a healthy, connected relationship with someone whose drinking makes you uncomfortable, even if you’re learning to detach from it?

I’d really like to hear from people who have been in this situation, especially those who have stayed and made it work.

My partner and I have been together almost 3 years. He's been drinking heavily on and off the whole time.

I didn't see it clearly in the first year because we were long distance. He'd be unreachable for stretches, and much later he told me he was blacking out regularly back then. Almost a year in, he told me he'd been drinking before work. Looking back, I was naive. I just believed he had it under control.

When he moved in with me after getting laid off (unrelated to drinking), he brought a few bottles of tequila with him. That first month was rough. He was blacking out almost every night, stumbling, falling, dropping things. I was working a global job with night meetings, and I'd often hear him stumbling during them. It felt embarrassing that I was on a work call while he was sloshed in the room next door. He stopped for about four months, and it was a relief, but then I found out he'd been hiding drinking from me. He even went through a special bottle of mezcal I had been saving

Today he isn't drunk all the time, but it still happens. Occasionally, I'll come home and he's clearly drunk. He's been hiding it regularly, and I can usually sense it. When I ask, he gets defensive and says he's not. Then I start to doubt what I'm seeing. I feel like I'm making things up, like my reality isn't real. Because why would he lie to me.

Once, when I was really sick, he told me he was going on walks. He was sharing his location with me, and it showed him driving. When I asked, he said the location was glitching and he'd been walking. He kept that up for a week. Come to find out he was going to his truck to drink. After that, I've felt hypervigilant all the time and it feels like he believes I need to move past it because he’s apologized (the behavior hasn’t changed).
We're nearly 3 years in, and I'm reaching my limit. I can't keep second-guessing what I see, and I don't want to live in constant hypervigilance.

I don't know what to do. I feel really lost. He’s a remarkable human when he’s sober. One of the most compassionate and creative people I know. And he accepts me so deeply. It sucks. I feel horrible