My husband drinks 10-20 beers a day depending on what we’re doing. We’ve been together almost 11 years and I can count on one hand how many days he hasn’t drank. I also know he drank like this before we got together. So I’m going to say all together probably 20-30 years of drinking like this.

He looks like he’s rapidly aging. Super hard beer belly, red nose, cloudy eyes, spider veins on nose. He takes meds for high blood pressure and has gout. He’s 57 and looks like he’s late 60s.

I have done everything I possibly can do to get through to him about his drinking. I’ve cried, screamed, left for awhile, nothing ever changes. We have a 7 year old daughter together and she gets to watch her dad drink that much beer a day. I used to drink too but I’ve majorly cut back and maybe have 1 drink a week.

I’ve basically come to the fact that he’s going to have major health problems at some point and this will be what kills him. But he’s my best friend and I don’t want to leave him, I’m just so exhausted with this. It hurts my heart thinking this will take him away from our daughter at some point and he’s just oblivious to it.

Guess I just came here to vent. I try to block it out and move on with like and just adopt the thought of whatever happens, happens. But it’s going to be such a sad and senseless death.

When I ask her to go to bed she gets beligerant and refuses just like a Child. She looks 10 years older, has the nose veins and no muscular tone because she refuses to move ever, I hardly get her to move a few steps per day, she makes way more money than me and talks down to me in public, she is disrespectful to everything I believe in. She got the bariatric surgery years ago and had a tumor removed from her brain years before that. She says Its like she cannot turn her self off, she says I am weak because I need to sleep. She recently started taking antidepressant and her psychiatrist told her she could still drink alcohol because the pills are not metabolzed by the liver, I think it was very irresponsible from the psychiatrist to enable her like that and would like what can I do. I did my research and found no one should be drinking any type of antidepressant and alcohol under any circumstances. She sleeps until noon and then everything repeats. I know I should leave. Anyone here had been in a similar situation than her and Did you recovered? What is the best way for me to help her?

Unsure if this falls under support or vent…but I needed to get it out.

I’m a 30 year old mother and wife that’s been deeply impacted by my Q, or my father, my entire life. So much so, that when my parents divorced when I was a young teen my mother felt it was necessary to move us across the country for separation. I could write pages upon pages of the damage he’s caused over the years but I want to focus on what unfolded this weekend: the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I constantly struggle with whether it’s even worth to continue a relationship with him, but he makes me so deeply sad. I’m always stuck between whether cutting him off would make me feel better or worse, especially if something happened to him.

Over the weekend I traveled back to my home state for a friend’s wedding. My husband stayed home for another wedding, and my dad was SO excited for us to spend a weekend together, just to two of us, for the first time in over 10 years. Originally, I planned on not telling him I was in town but decided against it at the last minute and agreed to stay with him for one night. How bad could it be, right? Well it was bad. Worse than I could have ever expected. When he picked me up from the airport he became increasingly more agitated by the traffic in the pickup area. I kept telling him it was no big deal and we’d figure it out. From there we went to dinner where he kept repeating how happy he was to see me, so happy that he downed 4 martinis. I watched him decline so quickly in real time and before I could even realize what was happening he was passed out in the booth. The restaurant manager helped me carry him out to his car as I apologized profusely. He gave me that look that I’ve seen so many times before: the pity that I have to shoulder this, and I felt that familiar embarrassment creep over me. I drove us home and somehow got him up the steep steps into the living area of his townhouse. I left him on the couch and went to think about what happened. I felt SO guilty for even letting him drink in the first place, so overwhelmed with emotions, SO mad at myself for even agreeing to this in the first place. I went back out to the living room and there he was, drinking again. After some time he went up to go to the bathroom and I heard a thud; he’d passed out completely naked on his floor. I got him into bed, which was covered in dried vomit in different areas, and set up a bed on the couch so I could listen for him. As I sat there and looked around, I surveyed the many holes in his walls, covered by various patches, plants, light switch covers, all presumably from recent falls. Throughout the night he would wait for me to fall asleep, come out and pour a drink.

The next day we were supposed to meet family for lunch. By noon, I couldn’t wake him up after multiple attempts, but he was breathing, so I packed my bags, hefting my suitcase down his steps once again, called an uber, and got out of there. My suitcase handle broke en route to the uber and I was overcome with the realization that this was not the first time this happened me. I’d been in almost the exact situation when I was 17 years old. I laughed at the absurdity of it all, that I fell for it again. That I thought this time would be different. That I thought my father could be a father. And then I cried. Out of guilt for leaving him in that state and for myself, both now and as the teen I once was.

He called me once in the uber, asking where I was, apologizing, crying, he’s ashamed, so so ashamed. He needs rehab once and for all, he’ll do it for real this time! He told me he’d stop drinking that day, he’d take me to a nice brunch on Sunday after the wedding. We can still save the weekend! Just please, don’t tell your aunt, don’t tell your mom, don’t tell your husband. PLEASE! I did end up telling everyone, all out of pain, fear, anger.

I continued on to the wedding and was able to enjoy myself. He’d texted me that night to not forget about brunch. He’ll pick me up at 11, we’ll have a nice day before he has to take me to the airport! Then comes the 8 a.m. call on Sunday: he can’t walk, he can’t feel his legs, he needs help. I uber over to find my dad, once tall and strong, successful, funny, generous…now tiny, shaking, pale. He had space heaters all around him. He looked so scared. I was so scared. He told me he hadn’t eaten in 5 days. I checked his fridge and there wasn’t any food. He’d poured his remaining vodka out and threw the bottles away. I counted 6 in the garbage. I checked his typical hiding spots and couldn’t find any more, but I’m sure there was. I called 911. He refused. He said he just needed a few days to detox on his own and then he’d get help. He just needed a few days. I begged him, tears in my eyes to not do this, he wasn’t healthy enough but he wouldn’t do it. So I brought in groceries, gave him a hug, and went to the airport. On my way out he told me to wait and handed me a key to his house “for next time”. I was once again overcome by fear, guilt, sadness. Anger. My husband and mother assured me I did what I could. I did all I could.

I didn’t except to ever hear from him again but he called me the next day. He told me he’s done for good. He took two days off of work and then he’ll talk to them at the end of the week about options to take leave so he can get help. I was optimistic (as always). And then he calls me today. And there’s that twinge to his voice that’s all too familiar. I can’t be 100% sure but I’m at least 80% sure he was drinking again. I know I need to cut contact and not let this weigh on me anymore. As an only child I feel like I have a certain level of responsibility. I’m not sure how to end this post or what even to say, but I’m so sick and tired of him being so sick and tired. If you got this far, thank you.

I went to a meeting last night for the first time in a lonngggg time. It was small, like 7 or 8 people, and there were such long, awkward silences between sharing. I know there is no cross talk or advice giving, but I was just curious if this is typical in meetings, or maybe due to the size? It was just a little uncomfortable since I wasn't used to it. Thoughts?

As I sit in our car, I grieve my life for the 100th time. 

I'm sitting here because you started screaming at me again. Because you relapsed again, on schedule. 

Today is Monday. Wednesday you will tell me that you are going to pull through this time. Friday you won't get home until 3AM. 

As I grieve my life for the 100th time, I reflect on the last twelve years with you. I cherish the man who stood up for me, who understood me, and who had confidence in me before I had it in myself. 

That man became a prisoner three years ago, and the warden is in the form of a bottle. I have waited patiently, I have fought, I have let my entire person become engulfed in saving you from this. 

Despite us losing everything we built together, despite all of the abuse and infidelity.. I still love you. I know you are sick, and that you need help. But I have reached the end, there is nothing left, not for me and not for you. 

You don't know this, but I'm leaving. I've had it planned for a month now. At the end of this month you will come home and I won't be there. I'll be on my way to an address you don't know in a different state. 

I know I have a lot to be grateful for. But right now it doesn't feel that way. I won't have transportation, or my own housing, or even a meaningful source of income. 

But I still have confidence that I can figure all of that out, simply because you won't be there. 

The closer it gets, the more difficult everything becomes. My brain is broken and my nervous system has collapsed. 

As I sit here in our car, I weep and sob in pity for both of us, for the 100th time. I hope that without me you are able to find your way.

DH and I have been to 3 parents meetings. I’ve been to AlAnon about 20 yrs ago when he was my Q. Talking and “sharing” have never been his strong suit. So last night when the topic was “expectations”, he did a mini rant, saying how insulted he was the week before when he admitted he’d enabled our son and one of the members repeated his words back to him- “you enabled him”.
He didn’t like someone telling him that, after he just admitted it. So he did his usual “take offense and get pissed off”. And left the meeting (alone) in a huff. I was blindsided; had no idea he was feeling that way. Several members spoke to me and I know the group as a whole felt bad the situation happened. One person gave me their # and asked me to pass it along to DH if he wanted to talk about it. (He doesn’t)
So when I got home I told DH i was proud of him for speaking his truth, which I am; he rarely speaks his mind. I tried to help him understand no harm was intended and hurling insults (as he sees it) isn’t the way of the program. Knowing him, he’ll be pissed off about this forever.
I know his behavior doesn’t reflect on me. I guess I’m just asking if any of you can give me a slogan, or a concept, or something I can cling to to help me over this bump. Or maybe I just need to let it go and let God? I really don’t know.

I'm hoping to hear from people who have experienced addiction or loved someone who has, because I'm struggling to understand something and would really appreciate some advice.

My Q (24M) and I (25F) have been together for about eight months, and I love him so much. He is genuinely an amazing partner, treats me incredibly well, and is someone I see a future with. I don't want to lose him, and our relationship is otherwise wonderful.

A few years ago, during a period of severe depression and alcohol addiction, he made some self-destructive choices, including paying for sex five times, although he only slept with two of the women. He is now 3 years sober, has done a lot of work through therapy and psychiatry, and feels a lot of shame and regret about that time. He was also celibate for years afterward.

I know the person he is today, but I'm struggling to reconcile his past with the man I love. I want to understand how addiction can affect someone's judgment without using it to excuse their actions or define them forever. We've even discussed attending Al-Anon meetings together to find healthy ways to work through this.

For anyone who has experienced addiction personally or loved someone who has, how did you make sense of their past choices while still seeing the good in who they are today? I would really appreciate any advice or resources.

I filed for divorce, thus shattering the image that we are all happy and perfect and lovely and nothing wrong happens at all.

Not surprising in the slightest that she’s obsessed with maintaining appearances. This is a woman who has been physically and verbally abusive to her children, and continues to be verbally abusive to this day. It was extremely important to not let the “good perfect family” image shatter, less it expose her for the horrible human being she is.

Well, now everyone in our lives knows that he is an addict and it got so bad that I left. Her perfect little family is broken after all.

It just reminds me so much of what you read in the Al Anon literature, about how alcoholics thrive in environments of secrecy, how everyone is conned into playing along and covering up. I have always loved the imagery they talk about where it’s like everyone is standing in a river and holds the addict above their heads so they don’t get wet; when we choose to walk away it disrupts the whole system.

Happy to disrupt the system. Happy to sacrifice him for my own sake. After all, he was happy to sacrifice me for his addiction’s sake.

Hello everyone, I’ve been struggling with my fiancé’s drinking issues for about a year and a half. I know how I feel and where I stand- I don’t think that I’m wrong, but I can’t tell what’s going on. Is this how it started for “textbook” alcoholics? How does it progress from here? Am I making a mistake?

Every time I read other people’s posts and experiences, I feel like our problems are small compared to a stereotypical alcoholic scenario. Not to say they aren’t serious, but what I’ve experienced through my fiancé doesn’t feel like true alcoholism.

Of course, beyond the alcohol issues, he’s a great guy. He supports me while I’m in school, provides for us, works 2 jobs, is sweet and kind and loving.. all of that jazz. I hate typing out all of his worst moments or habits because it sounds like a terrible person

Prior to us meeting, he lived more on the wild side. Early 20s, lived in a party city, bad friends, bad environments. He’s said it was more occasional drug use (cocaine, marijuana, rarely hallucinogenic) than drinking. He got out of that environment and stopped doing all of that (except casual marijuana use, which I don’t care about, I do too). But the changes after leaving that were hard on him mentally, (depression, anxiety, lonely), and that’s when it changed to alcohol abuse- primarily beer, liquor more occasionally.

After we started dating it took me a couple months to fully clock it. It caught my attention that he seemed to always have beers on hand, would always get a drink when we would go out- but it seemed pretty controlled most of the time. I never noticed that he couldn’t stop drinking after he started. It was more just that, he wanted to have a drink and if he didn’t have anything else to do, he would do it. (I distinguish this because it’s not the typical “once an alcoholic has a drink, they can’t stop”. He could stop if he wanted to, he just didn’t want to, and he wasn’t getting drunk)

But eventually I picked up that this was a daily thing. It wasn’t always to get drunk. More often than not, he wasn’t drunk. Just having 4-6 beers throughout the course of the whole day, if he was off. Or 2-3 over a couple hours after he did get off.

Saw him get into some arguments with family and then later with me, while drinking- and it felt like it was getting worse. It felt more of an underlying anger issue that was just coming out with the alcohol.

To clarify, it’s not random spouts of anger over nothing. It’s more if any normal argument gets started about anything and he’s getting defensive. Or if the argument was about his relationship with alcohol.

Eventually he hit what I called rock bottom at the time- kicked himself out of his families house (wasn’t a healthy environment regardless of the drinking), I let him live with me with the condition that he does not get drunk at my house. And of course he did. And that’s when I decided he was an alcoholic and I just wasn’t seeing the whole picture until then.

I was always helpful and hopeful with him. Never really angry to his face even when I was. I didn’t want to fight this issue with anger and I’m glad I didn’t. He admitted for the first time that he was an alcoholic and ever since then (June 2025), that part of the issue is long gone. Took a month or 2 off from drinking at all, did some therapy sessions, where the therapist felt he wasn’t an alcoholic, he was just dealing with a lot of shitty life things (very true) and he was using that to cope, and learned some better ways to do so instead.

Everything felt great. When he decided he was okay to have a drink when we went out or maybe have a couple beers at home, once a month or less. Had a bottle of his favorite whiskey for his birthday (lasted a couple weeks). Stuff like that. I didn’t like it, but I understood. And that’s truly what he did/does. He doesn’t get drunk at home.

The problems moving forward is that he will sometimes lie about having a drink. It’s not like he was getting drunk or even tipsy. He says he lied because he knew it could start a fight (I get really on edge when he drinks because of the arguments we’ve had when he’s drinking) or because he doesn’t like that I was questioning him about it in the first place, that he should be allowed to have a drink after work without having to tell me.

Of course the lying made my feelings about it worse. Which causes me to be even more easily irritable when he does drink, which in turn has caused more fights and tension.

Beyond that, there’s been a few times where we’ve gone out with friends or together and we were drinking, and he did get drunk to where I had to take care of him, but no one else was getting that drunk.

But most recently… there’s been a lot of stress in our relationship recently (not alcohol related) and we’ve just been arguing a lot. We went out one night and some of the stressors came up and a few arguments started between us. However, if he hadn’t been drinking, he wouldn’t have overreacted and we wouldn’t have gotten into fights.

By the end of the night we were in a full fight with each other. I’ve never seen him so mad at me, and I was honestly scared. He’s never put his hands on me, but he looked like he could’ve. He was very tipsy at this point, but more quite drunk. I was pretty much sober. It was time to go home.. the fighting in public is just embarrassing. We had driven separately. I stayed in my car for a while to decompress while he drove home. I didn’t think him driving would be a problem. I knew he had driven worse off in the past and been okay (I am NOT saying it was okay for him to do that. If I felt safe to stay longer, I would’ve encouraged us to wait. But I did not feel that i could safely do that. And i definitely didn’t feel safe to have him in my car

Well, as I’m driving home, 1/4 mile from our house he was pulled over. Was pulled over for speeding and got arrested for DUI (.12 BAC). Anyone who’s been through this, knows it’s an awful process. Annoying, expensive, and the emotions that come with it from the spouse.

I didn’t know how I felt anymore. Between the consequences the DUI puts on us, and the drinking being a problem AGAIN I just didn’t know where I stood with our relationship anymore. I took some time and had some extra therapy sessions for that week.

We got good news from the lawyer a few days later, and he decided he wanted to buy a 6 pack to “celebrate”. WHO in their right mind drinks a few days after getting a DUI??? You would think that would be true rock bottom. And mind you, he barely buys beer to have at home. But I didn’t say anything. Just wanted to see how it played out. He had 2 that day and 1 the next. Doesn’t seem like an “alcoholic”, but it also does

Eventually I came down to this. I told him I could not be in a relationship with him if he continued to have a relationship with alcohol in anyway. I don’t want to be with him if he’s going to drink at all. I explained thoughtfully and carefully. He understood and said I’m more important and if that’s what it takes then he’ll do it.

But he had 3 beers left. Next day, came home and caught him drinking one. His first instinct was to lie about it, but I wasn’t playing that shit. Gave me some stupid speech about he just wanted to finish what he had before he can’t drink again blah, blah blah. I was pissed. I didn’t even know what to say. I’m just thinking to myself “do you hear yourself and how stupid that sounds. That’s what an alcoholic would say”. After arguing He said I can throw out the other 2 left and it wouldn’t bother him at all, but he wasn’t going to, and that either way, once those are gone he’s done.

I had so much homework to do, I couldn’t waste my time on that nonsense. At that point I decided I couldn’t control the situation and needed to let God handle it. I didn’t bother throwing the others out and he did drink them.

We ended up having an actually good long conversation about my “ultimatum”. Started off with him saying he was just doing it for me, he didn’t have a choice, and he disagreed with the reasonings but it’s not worth losing our relationship over. I had to explain he DOES have a choice, used the alcohol is equivalent to a 3rd person in the relationship, all of that jazz. And he FINALLY said he understood it and is in agreement about everything.

Obviously, I’m not an idiot, after everything we’ve gone through I’m skeptical. I don’t trust him. And he knows that. We talk about it. He’s trying to repair things (again). It does feel different. I don’t know why it does.

But I’m angry. I’m so angry about everything. I want to move forward. I don’t know how to trust him. I know he has to show and prove things to me. But how do I get rid of that background voice saying he could be lying. I try to be honest when I don’t know if I trust him or not. But for some reason saying that is very hard.

Part of me that feels prepared for everything to end because he probably will have a drink at some point.

Part of me can’t tell if I’m overreacting. Or under reacting.

Am I gonna look back in a few years and realize he was just a regular alcoholic and I was in denial? Am I gonna be years into a marriage still trying to save an alcoholic?

I’m trying to listen to God. Is God literally kicking me and putting more reasons in front of me why this relationship won’t work. Is the devil at play in our relationship?

If you were kind enough to read my whole story, thank you. It was long and hard to write or make short. This is my first post here and I’m just trying to figure everything out 💛

My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers and married for over 20 years. He was the love of my life, and I never imagined we would end up here.

Over the past 2.5 years, his personality has changed dramatically. He has a history of drug and alcohol abuse and addiction and is currently prescribed high doses of Adderall and Xanax. He also uses extremely large amounts of marijuana concentrates daily and psilocybin mushrooms.

He has become increasingly paranoid, irrational, and verbally abusive. He makes bizarre accusations about me, including that I’m having affairs, sending explicit pictures, and conspiring against him. None of it is true, but he is absolutely convinced. There is no reasoning with him.

He hasn’t worked in three years, and I’ve been solely responsible for supporting our family financially. His behavior has escalated to hours-long episodes of rage, screaming horrible things at me, destroying my belongings, reckless driving, threatening suicide, and showing up at my workplace screaming and banging on doors and windows. He has lost significant weight, and his relationships with our four children (three of who are adults) have deteriorated terribly.

I’ve have trying to help him, encouraging treatment, and desperately trying to understand what happened to the man I married. He insists nothing is wrong with him and that I am responsible for everything.

Things finally became so frightening that I filed for a domestic violence protection order, which was granted for myself and our 16 year old son.

I’m devastated. I still love him, or at least the person he used to be. It feels like I’m grieving someone who is still alive.

Has anyone experienced this kind of dramatic personality change associated with stimulants, benzodiazepines, and heavy marijuana use? Did your loved one ever recognize what was happening? Did treatment help? Did the person you knew ever come back?

I’m not looking for anyone to excuse his behavior. I know I have to protect myself and my family. I’m just trying to make sense of something that has completely turned our lives upside down.

My Q learned through therapy that alcoholism is a disease and often runs in family and he is now weaponizing this against me.

For the moment, he is sober. But he has struggled with alcoholism since high school.

He didn’t believe he was an alcoholic for awhile and now he’s weaponizing the fact that it’s a “disease”, telling me that I’m being hard on him because he has a disease, that I’m not there for him “in sickness and in health” because I am still hurt about his actions while drunk, and that I should forgive him because he has a disease.

Am I crazy or is he being a manipulative asshole?

People come out of the damn wood work. Ones you’d never expect. My q’s former coworker, who always tells the story about how they didn’t like each other but became friends. Calls me and just asks about the kid and I and of course, how his friend is doing. I have very little updates to give apart from he isn’t driving the car he bought a few months ago. He had the shakes trying to buckle the toddler into the car seat (I finished it, my car, don’t worry). His friend said that was too bad and I’m doing the right thing. Also kept saying he was here for my son and I, anything we needed. Vacation stay with a pool or just a person to call. And I was so moved, because this man, Jim, has shown more concern and compassion toward my son than even his own dad has over the last 6 months. Tears ensued from the one with the most frequent crier miles. The good people find you and surround you when you need, reminding you that what you feel is valid and you’re not alone.

idk. i’m feeling out of place, but i just went to my first meeting last week. i was at my wits end with it all.

we both have had a traumatic year with awful changes and just the most unfair grief/loss. i thought reconnecting and bringing her into the safe, warm, loving home i worked for years to create would help her.

oldest parentified daughter here, so i compartmentalize my shit well. but she has always had it harder in life than me. truly. we both grew up with c-ptsd, despite the varying intensity and length and context of traumatizing events. even though our situations were so different, we aligned so well on the things we never even had to say.

never got tired of each other, always had our heads on a little more straight than our peers and related on a moral level so deeply. i always rolled my eyes at the “twin flame” discussion til i realized i was living it, as corny as it feels to say it. we always joke that this timeline is the one where we learn every lesson the hard way.

we both struggled with our own shit, including some dabbling in substances which i always thought was circumstantial. i was more familiar with them, but it never severed relationships, prevented opportunities, truly hurt my physical health. i always knew safety came first, more than the average person who dabbles, and always knew when to stop.

so when i realized this year that it had gotten away from both of us, i stopped. i told her. i said what she’s doing is hurting her body, hurting her relationships, even when she’s not drinking. i told her i don’t recognize her. that i needed to step away from our mutual spiral for clarity and just want to help her. that i can take all of her bad feelings, low energy, shitty mood if it means she will be sober during those times. but i can’t be her emotional punching bag whenever she wants to pick a fight to feel something, with no accountability since she won’t remember it the next day.

she said i interventioned her. argued with me, threw things i said out of desperation to help in my face, gave meaningless, backhanded apologies. i told her i want to help but im obviously not equipped for this since she thinks ive already mishandled things, and im drowning in my own struggles.

so we didn’t talk. i realized if she wouldn’t be sober when we did, there was no point in doing so. told her i would be here when she is ready, but im not enabling it and i know i already have which absolutely kills me. she was prideful and destroyed my emotional security in my own home, that i invited her into. made a place for her here. helped her furnish her room, fed her, tried to help her keep her job.

maybe worst of all convinced my partner to invite her in, who cant stand her now. through all of this, the way she’s treated my partner has been the most insulting. every time i think she’s working on things, i tell her that to me, the most important apology is to him, and he’s not going anywhere in my life. she still never has.

months of hiding away in my room, letting chores fall to the wayside in avoidance of interacting. i used to cook for the whole house multiple times a week. i used to host really lovely parties. i don’t invite anyone over anymore.

and so finally, after i go to the meeting, and finally, after i decide it’s time to look into moving out for me and my partners sake, she wants to apologize. she wants to have the hard conversations and give sobriety a try. she wants to be back to normal, and gets upset that i’m going out without her.

like i could trust that she wouldn’t black out and throw up everywhere when i go for casual drinks with some friends. like i could trust she wouldn’t be belligerent to people she doesn’t know, that i do. like i could trust that if i were to get a little drunk, safely with a group of friends and a ride, that she wouldn’t get so drunk she would hurt herself, and it would be my fault in the end because i didn’t anticipate needing to take care of her. i don’t even want to drink anymore, at all.

and now, because i’ve given up and withdrawn after months of trying, she has nowhere to go. her only option is to leave behind her entire support system and everything she knows, and move across the country to live with family. she would never say it, but im the bad guy again for abandoning her, when the reality is that i’ve been the only one truly trying to help her for almost a year now.

and im so angry that she’s leaving. i’m so angry that all of the beautiful plans we had will never happen. i’m so angry that i was robbed of my time to grieve my own personal losses because hers were more important than anyone else’s. i’m so angry that she has burned bridges i cant repair for her, not just in her own life, but mine, too. i feel so responsible for it all, and so angry for her stupid choices, simultaneously.

and it’s so hard not to be in denial. she is a full blown addict. it’s just so hard to believe it is said and done, because it feels like it happened so fast. she will now struggle with this for the rest of her life, even if she becomes sober. and i don’t know if she can survive the weight of guilt and trauma while sober, but i don’t know that id call what she is doing now surviving either.

i feel betrayed. i knew she would eventually come to me and tell me in hindsight how guilty and shameful she felt. i understand addiction, and it doesn’t make it one bit easier. i never want to live a life without her, but ill never forget the ways she has treated me and my loved ones.

this is so, so lonely. i feel neurotic around my other friends. i overthink every choice i made that led us to this point and enabled her. i am filled with regret. i know of the three C’s and at times like this, it’s hard to care. i’ll still go to another meeting, but i don’t think anything will really help fill this hole in my heart, my life. i just wish i had done more, sooner. i hate this so much.

My ex partner caused a lot of damage over 4 years with alcohol to the point I had to call the police so I blocked him for 6 weeks , unblocked him as he had tried to contact me numerous ways after I blocked him so I contacted him to see if he had actually done anything to get help and he was so upset and crying and said he was heartbroken and just wanted to be with me so I said that the only way there would be any chance would be for him to stop drinking for 6 months so I could learn to trust him again and he said he would never stop drinking at weekends and only stick to 4/6 cans but all he ever showed me was that sticking to an agreed amount never worked so he blocked me
Do you think he might eventually changed one he realises he lost me for good ?

I'm looking for outside perspectives because my family and I are genuinely worried about my sister, and I'm not sure what we should do.
My sister is a recovering addict and has been sober for a little over a year. She's a single mom with two sons by two different fathers, and she's currently pregnant with another baby by her second son's father. She's due in January.
Her first child's father is struggling with drugs, and her current boyfriend was recently arrested and jailed over child support. Apparently, he owes around $18,000 in child support for another child. He told my sister he only owed around $500, and she had no idea about the actual amount. She also recently found out that he had known about his warrant and had his driver's license taken away since 2021. He had apparently been hiding all of this from her.
The timing couldn't be worse. My sister is currently on bed rest after going into preterm labor at 26 weeks. The day after she went into preterm labor, her boyfriend went to jail.
She currently lives in a home for single mothers, but she'll have to leave by August and find somewhere else to live with her children. She's now facing the possibility of having another baby without the partner she thought she could rely on, while dealing with a high-risk pregnancy, financial uncertainty, and an uncertain housing situation.
What makes this especially frightening for our family is her history. The last time she relapsed, she ran away with her other child's father and left her son behind. She disappeared for over a month. It was an incredibly scary experience, and we're terrified of going through something like that again.
She's worked hard to get more than a year sober, and I don't want to assume she'll relapse or act like her past defines her. But we've seen how badly things can go when she's overwhelmed, and right now it feels like everything is crashing down on her at once.
Our family is worried that the stress of her boyfriend going to jail, finding out he has lied to her about major things, being on bed rest, and eventually losing her current housing could push her into a crisis.
I don't know how much we should intervene, what kind of support would actually help, or how to prepare for the possibility that she struggles again. We want to support her recovery without enabling bad decisions, and we want to make sure her children are safe without making her feel like everyone is against her.
Has anyone been in a similar situation with a loved one in recovery? How did you help them through a major crisis without pushing them away? And what practical steps should our family be taking now, before things get worse?

Hello. I’ve never posted here but am doing so from a hotel after my Q’s recent episode. This is not the first time. My Q (42M) and I (43F) have been together nearly five years, married for two. Long story short- I didn’t see the signs until I was already engaged and moved into my Q’s house.

For backstory: Q and I are both remarried. I asked for a divorce after 13 years. He was “informed” (his words) he was getting a divorce after seven years. From what Q has told me, his ex-wife took issue with his alcohol abuse and was a problem to the point where they saw a marriage counselor and counselor told Q he was an alcoholic. Q’s sister told me that her brother and his ex-wife would drink and start arguments with each other.

About a year into my relationship and on vacation for my 40th out of country, I asked my Q to head back upstairs from the bar after a long day. He immediately reacted and became angry at being asked to leave (did not want to, wanted to keep drinking). He became belligerent. Some random guy staying at the resort heard him talk to me and caught my eye sympathetically. Having never encountered this with my Q before I was flabbergasted and spent wasted energy trying to reason with him. He showed little remorse and minimized the impact of the situation. I thought it was a blip. I was wrong.

Shortly after getting engaged and moving into Q’s home (have moved many times in past few years so exhausted by this) I realized this blip was a pattern. I talked with my therapist about how to approach and once again tried to reason and communicate negative impact. Same response - defensiveness, projection, gaslighting, belligerence. My Q struggles to moderate on vacation, at concerts and sporting events, etc. He is like his mother, also an alcoholic whose own alcoholic mother lost her children to addiction. Both like drama and attention, especially in public. I’ve dealt with scenes from both.

Things came to a head in June 2024 while at a conference for work. My Q came with me as we were close to extended family, and my Q wanted to visit after the conference. Once again my Q wanted to stay longer at a bar and became combative when asked to leave. My room at the hotel was next door to my colleague’s. My Q, combative and belligerent, came off the elevator saying loudly he didn’t care if i got fired because it didn’t affect him (asked him to lower voice). Again, flabbergasted.

After more futile conversation to point out these repeated patterns, we drove back to our house (he owns, key). The next day more alcohol abuse. I came to a point that day where I told him- if you can’t or won’t do the work to moderate, I can’t marry you. He swore he would, went so far as to go to an addiction specialist, and then went back to the same patterns.

Things have gotten worse and cycles continue. I have put in place boundaries around not being around him if intoxicated or engaging in unhealthy behaviors and go into our spare room. I try not to engage. We agreed that he do certain things- take the prescribed pill on vacation, etc. and do the work consistently to not get intoxicated and seek out alcohol. This past weekend we took our dogs for a trip. He did not bring the pill but did bring a bottle after I asked him not to. He uses cigars as excuses for alcohol and insisted on both while away. When confronted he minimizes and is in a lot denial. Hence the hotel.

I’ve come to a point where I’m trying not to debate and not react. He is in denial and not going to convince him otherwise. I have some hope and there are good things about him- why I stay. I also stay because I am not on equal footing with him and need a plan before leaving.

Thank you for listening. I don’t know what I am asking for other than support. I am new to Alanon and have been to a few meetings. I have not previously been in a serious relationship with an alcoholic and am struggling.

My husband has been mostly sober for about 2 years (2 mild relapses that each lasted 2 weeks) but our relationship is super Rocky.

I’m not sure we’ll make it. To help my 3yo daughter cope with just general anxiety, I am taking her to a child psychologist, but nervous I’ll say something to trigger the therapist to call cps.

Most of my daughter’s anxiety is night time related - she can’t sleep alone. But I’m sure the household chaos plays a big part.

Does anyone have any recommendations or wisdom ?

I left my husband for good a couple months ago. I posted about my desperation and situation here.

As expected his drinking spiraled and he ended up with a dui. His work forced him into rehab and he completed his time and is sober. The down side is he is desperately trying to save our marriage. I have of course firmly declined. He did knowledge that he would have never gotten sober if I hadn’t of left. It’s still early days but I hope for our kids it sticks. DUIs in my state are quite strict, so hopefully the consequences have caught up.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/s/tEk81OTcXW

My brother has been addicted for about five years. He’s sedentary, he drinks alone behind his computer for the point of passing out. Every night it’s exactly the same. He drinks when he wakes up at 3 pm and doesn’t stop until 6 am. Every night we fight because he’s loud, obnoxious, and rude. I’ve heard him lambast me, call me names and say weird inappropriate things to his online friends.

Our biggest problem comes when I ask him to take turns opening doors for our cats who don’t like being next to one another. All I wanted was a good nights sleep, but every single night it turns into an argument. It doesn’t have to be anything bad he will just snap and yell, he cannot be reasoned with. It’s exhausting to deal with. I am going genuinely insane and my mom (we all live together) refuses to do anything about it saying she can’t and this is too hard. I don’t know what to do, it seems like the only option here is for me to leave. But in this economy and recovering from divorce it’s also impossible. I don’t understand how to make her understand. She says she can’t do it and this is not easy. But I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel violent when he speaks at this point. I hate him so much. He ruins the peace and leeches off my mom. He doesn’t work, he had a good job and he’s lying about how he lost it too.

I’m a recovering addict, I know how this goes. And I feel insane because no one is listening to me. I don’t know how to convince my mom to kick him out for our own safety and peace of mind. It’s becoming impossible, living like a hostage in my own home. I tried so many times and I just end up looking like the crazy one and she gets on me for hating my brother. I don’t know what other feelings I should have besides vitriol at the monster that calls me obscene things on the internet. I feel horrible, but I can’t help but wait until he either dies of alcohol poisoning or goes to prison because it genuinely feels like recovery isn’t something he wants.
He already has a dui and that wasn’t enough apparently. My mom won’t give him a rock bottom, and it seems this will keep happening and I won’t see justice unless I do it myself. That makes me want to disappear. This is my last resort, no one in my life is taking this seriously. Everyone treats it like a personal problem. He will die this way and I can’t stop it.

my Q has been all over the place with sobriety. he's abused alcohol, kratom, and eventually street drugs. Ive found him with needles, bottles, blood, passed out, enraged, inconsolable, literally on the brink of death. he went to rehab, detox, and got arrested for drug possession. he moved out six months ago, finally got a job to pay his own rent. in those months since, he got arrested for assault, went to jail, was seen by mutual friends drinking, has a mental breakdown with a welfare check. he promised a change, I'm allowing space for a chance. I told him show me your drug testing history. he said okay, and would get it to me that day- then proceed to fight with me about it every time I asked where it was. he's been flakey, he looks spacey, acting sketchy. he told me once he was on his way over to my house and then fell asleep for six hours and completely blew me off. another time I crawled into my bed to cuddle and I found a needle, which he said were from his testosterone shots and must have stuck. we've gotten in multiple fights over the drug tests paperwork, i haven't seen him in weeks. I deserve proof, right? well he finally dropped it off today when I was at work. with a note on the back.

"due to jail and a missing trail, these are all they had. I asked about kratom, they said I did have a bit in my urine. I'm sorry, you're right, im a fuck up. let me know if you ever want to talk again. I got let go from work. I really liked it there. I'm not going to go on a bender because of it. I'm just a bit broken up about it. if you don't hear from me today , it's because I am not happy about any of this. and I going to scream into a pillow for a night. I am scared it will affect my court.. sorry for being me. I hate it. love, Q"

uh alright. so I read it and it's one drug urine panal a month, but there were huge gaps in between. he told me it was once a week, and this barely is anything. the kratom testing is at a different clinic, and I didn't see that. it shows positive for amphetamine, which why is he even on adderall? and positive for fentanyl once at a time he said he had surgery, but that was five days before he was tested, and it was for a cyst removal on his chest. but a week after that test, I know he was seen at a festival doing drugs and drinking. it just doesn't add up. and yeah, he has a court date in front of a jury for having a breakdown and hopping the fence to punch his neighbor or in the face. it's so dumb, this doesn't make sense and I still feel like he's hiding things from me. I haven't said anything. so then he texts me this.

"sorry. I just feel like failure right now and a loser. I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm sure you're angry, and I am sorry. I'm trying to cope instead of making things worse like I would normally do. Losing that job feels like a decapitation. I actually felt like I belonged for once. I didn't get trained well enough to even apply at other jobs, even with them as references.. fuck"

okay. what am I even supposed to think. all I can say is I knew this was happening, I knew he was doing something behind my back. he tried to make me feel like I was controlling and making the relationship toxic, and that I should just be proud he's doing okay with probation. I just feel like I deserve the truth.

I really beat myself up for being an enabler. Here's what I wrote today to get it off my chest (I write in second person as an emotional distancing measure):

You would catch him pouring whiskey in his iced tea. 9 in the morning. 11 at night. Time was truly immaterial in his house, a passing shape, a shadow, and to attempt to exist inside of it, to attempt to impose reason on the everyday way things were done, proved impossible. 

Alcohol did most of the work. You could have sworn that it was rubbing the numbers off of the clock, that your phone was always dying, or about to die, and that you were preparing to step into a twilight zone that didn’t concern the outside world at all. 

Terrifying, to fall asleep in a place like that. More terrifying still to step out onto the rotting porch and feel the entirety of your life, your heart, sag underneath you at the sight of blue grey smoke haloing his beautiful thundercloud of hair. 

Of course you asked him if he was alright. Of course you said that he should go to the doctor, if his back was hurting that badly. But any mention of the doctor was the emotional equivalent of drawing a knife: fear quickly suppressed by anger and worse, righteous indignation. The doctors are useless. Their tests are expensive. 

He would drive out to the little ranch house in the country and let the man he met on the internet contort his body every which way, pulling the muscles back to where they should be. You just sat in the car, of course. Watching the wind in the trees. Maybe stoned, maybe not, because let’s not pretend you were on your best behavior either, back then. 

(You knew if you said anything, really said anything, or argued, he would ask you to leave. He wouldn’t be able to stand you. And yet already he couldn’t stand you. The sound of your feet. Your laugh echoing from another room. That’s why he drinks, you sometimes told yourself. You had to keep your distance. You tied your tongue in the tightest knot you knew, the one they taught you in school. You couldn’t bear it, if he asked you to leave). 

He told you he could hear someone calling his name from off in the forest and together you would try to find whatever it was. Only frogs ever turned up, tiny fish in the deep pockets of the creek, and then you’d usher him back inside like a mother chasing her son through the door so they don’t get caught in the arriving storm. 

When it got cold he would set a lawn chair in the attic and fill an old Simply Orange container with gin, rum, and peach juice. You listened to the sound of grenade explosions and gun battles coming through the hatch in the ceiling, like a jaw bone permanently swung open. Voices from the back of a throat. Smoke would pour down too, and you would marvel that he could stare at his phone screen that long, piloting fictional ships through fictional space. You’d wait for the sun to set and then he’d come down, smoothly, as if he wasn’t drunk at all, and declare that he’d like to go to bed. You didn’t have the heart to remind him that you had made dinner plans. He remembered next to nothing that you told him, but for you it was impossible to forget the sting of his annoyance, the handful of times you did try to remind him of things like this. Dates you had planned. A repair on your car. A message from his mother. 

You were a mosquito. A house fly. An irritation beyond measure. He thought you were trying to manipulate him. He thought you were making things up. He would cry, even, complaining that his mind was entirely mist. So you shrank. You stopped asking. And one day you were small enough to fly right out the screen door.

You tell yourself, thank God no one got hurt. But you did, didn’t you? Why isn’t that hurt enough?

I F26 am currently have been with my boyfriend M36 for a little over a year now. He is amazing sober- funny , kind, etc. All the things that made me fall in love with him. But since early on in the relationship I have been trapped in a cycle- he binges, acts crazy when drunk, promises to change, is sober for a short period of time , all is well, then it starts again.

When he drinks he is irrational and mean. Often starting arguments with me over nothing or going on long rants about how the world is against him. Slamming doors and storming out of the house. He’s driven drunk often with me in the car or just by himself , open containers in the car, etc. These binges last for a week or so then he’s sober for maybe two weeks or so rinse and repeat.

Everything really came to a head as he just got fired from work for drinking on the job(not the first time but this was just the final time). The cameras caught him drinking on the job and he was acting irrational at work. He also got kicked out of housing as right now we’re on a seasonal position and have employer housing.

He is staying in a hotel right now, I just visited him after not talking for a few days. He is begging me to stay and promising change. Saying he will be accountable this time. We will make a contract with each other for him to stay sober, he will get help, etc.

He has not drank since but also has not been sleeping or eating really (probably withdrawal from both alcohol and weed) he’s crying alot , begging for my forgiveness.

I’m empathetic and it breaks my heart to see anyone hurting, and it breaks my heart knowing I have the power to make him feel better by forgiving him. BUT I don’t want to let myself be an idiot. I don’t want to make a decision I will regret. I am drowning though mentally and emotionally being stuck in this cycle.

My sister is an addict so I know how the story can go, but I also know people do get sober.

Why is it so hard? Why is it so confusing?

It is 2.30 am. I broke with Q a few weeks ago, but still on occassion talk to him.

He is in a very bad state. I feel these are his last moments and I cannot find it in me to reconnect. I am tired, griefing, and so done. But he will die. How can I not be there for him? It is all so horrible. The guilt is horrible.

So many tears and uncertanty on what to do.

Not sure what the purpose of this post is. I guess just to see if someone listenes. All my friends applaud me for breaking with him. That makes me ao sad. They applaud me to leave someone who is in the last stages his life.i feel horrible.

Sorry for the typos. Tears Block my view.

Esit: yes to al anon. Yes to 3 c. This post is not about that

My sister used to have interests before her drug addiction. She would read, she was really good at playing at the flute, she swore up and down that she wanted to grow up to be like my grandma: drug free.

She’s an adult now. Her drug and alcohol use is basically her personality.

Getting high is her biggest goal. Getting drunk is the most fulfilling thing she does.

She works out and does yoga. But, other than that there isn’t much to her. She can be funny. She likes astrology.

There are ways drugs change people’s personalities. She’s impulsive, self serving, neurotic, angry.

How lame is it that instead of developing themselves people just become addicts.

My dad has been drinking pretty much my entire life. I’m 22 now. I’m not in a good position to move out, since I can’t drive, i’m still in college, I don’t have a job, and I don’t have a bank account.
He’s not a terrible person, but drinking makes him terrible. I try to follow all of the standard tips. I try to not take his words personally. I try my best to not clean up his messes (though eventually I have to because I still want to live in a clean space). I’m trying to start exercise, and i’ve built a routine for myself to hopefully follow for a while. I lose sleep often, because he wakes up in the middle of the night and slams things and screams. He only ever wants to talk and hang out when he’s drunk, and he’s very quiet and flat when he’s sober. I don’t really know who he is anymore.
I say all of this to ask how do you not just lose hope? I don’t mean in him specifically. I know now I can’t help him, and I can’t fix him. But I don’t look forward to waking up anymore. I’m not in a crisis or anything, but i’ve become very apathetic. My life is like groundhog day. Maybe he’ll sober up for a week or so, but eventually I return back here. I can’t picture a future anymore. I can’t really picture anything. I feel fine when I’m out of the house, but even then, it feels like I’m on autopilot.
How do you start living for just yourself? Is there any real way to truly ignore it all?
Sorry, this is a really long post. I guess I’m just thinking out loud.