My brother has been addicted for about five years. He’s sedentary, he drinks alone behind his computer for the point of passing out. Every night it’s exactly the same. He drinks when he wakes up at 3 pm and doesn’t stop until 6 am. Every night we fight because he’s loud, obnoxious, and rude. I’ve heard him lambast me, call me names and say weird inappropriate things to his online friends.

Our biggest problem comes when I ask him to take turns opening doors for our cats who don’t like being next to one another. All I wanted was a good nights sleep, but every single night it turns into an argument. It doesn’t have to be anything bad he will just snap and yell, he cannot be reasoned with. It’s exhausting to deal with. I am going genuinely insane and my mom (we all live together) refuses to do anything about it saying she can’t and this is too hard. I don’t know what to do, it seems like the only option here is for me to leave. But in this economy and recovering from divorce it’s also impossible. I don’t understand how to make her understand. She says she can’t do it and this is not easy. But I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel violent when he speaks at this point. I hate him so much. He ruins the peace and leeches off my mom. He doesn’t work, he had a good job and he’s lying about how he lost it too.

I’m a recovering addict, I know how this goes. And I feel insane because no one is listening to me. I don’t know how to convince my mom to kick him out for our own safety and peace of mind. It’s becoming impossible, living like a hostage in my own home. I tried so many times and I just end up looking like the crazy one and she gets on me for hating my brother. I don’t know what other feelings I should have besides vitriol at the monster that calls me obscene things on the internet. I feel horrible, but I can’t help but wait until he either dies of alcohol poisoning or goes to prison because it genuinely feels like recovery isn’t something he wants.
He already has a dui and that wasn’t enough apparently. My mom won’t give him a rock bottom, and it seems this will keep happening and I won’t see justice unless I do it myself. That makes me want to disappear. This is my last resort, no one in my life is taking this seriously. Everyone treats it like a personal problem. He will die this way and I can’t stop it.

My husband drinks 10-20 beers a day depending on what we’re doing. We’ve been together almost 11 years and I can count on one hand how many days he hasn’t drank. I also know he drank like this before we got together. So I’m going to say all together probably 20-30 years of drinking like this.

He looks like he’s rapidly aging. Super hard beer belly, red nose, cloudy eyes, spider veins on nose. He takes meds for high blood pressure and has gout. He’s 57 and looks like he’s late 60s.

I have done everything I possibly can do to get through to him about his drinking. I’ve cried, screamed, left for awhile, nothing ever changes. We have a 7 year old daughter together and she gets to watch her dad drink that much beer a day. I used to drink too but I’ve majorly cut back and maybe have 1 drink a week.

I’ve basically come to the fact that he’s going to have major health problems at some point and this will be what kills him. But he’s my best friend and I don’t want to leave him, I’m just so exhausted with this. It hurts my heart thinking this will take him away from our daughter at some point and he’s just oblivious to it.

Guess I just came here to vent. I try to block it out and move on with like and just adopt the thought of whatever happens, happens. But it’s going to be such a sad and senseless death.

idk. i’m feeling out of place, but i just went to my first meeting last week. i was at my wits end with it all.

we both have had a traumatic year with awful changes and just the most unfair grief/loss. i thought reconnecting and bringing her into the safe, warm, loving home i worked for years to create would help her.

oldest parentified daughter here, so i compartmentalize my shit well. but she has always had it harder in life than me. truly. we both grew up with c-ptsd, despite the varying intensity and length and context of traumatizing events. even though our situations were so different, we aligned so well on the things we never even had to say.

never got tired of each other, always had our heads on a little more straight than our peers and related on a moral level so deeply. i always rolled my eyes at the “twin flame” discussion til i realized i was living it, as corny as it feels to say it. we always joke that this timeline is the one where we learn every lesson the hard way.

we both struggled with our own shit, including some dabbling in substances which i always thought was circumstantial. i was more familiar with them, but it never severed relationships, prevented opportunities, truly hurt my physical health. i always knew safety came first, more than the average person who dabbles, and always knew when to stop.

so when i realized this year that it had gotten away from both of us, i stopped. i told her. i said what she’s doing is hurting her body, hurting her relationships, even when she’s not drinking. i told her i don’t recognize her. that i needed to step away from our mutual spiral for clarity and just want to help her. that i can take all of her bad feelings, low energy, shitty mood if it means she will be sober during those times. but i can’t be her emotional punching bag whenever she wants to pick a fight to feel something, with no accountability since she won’t remember it the next day.

she said i interventioned her. argued with me, threw things i said out of desperation to help in my face, gave meaningless, backhanded apologies. i told her i want to help but im obviously not equipped for this since she thinks ive already mishandled things, and im drowning in my own struggles.

so we didn’t talk. i realized if she wouldn’t be sober when we did, there was no point in doing so. told her i would be here when she is ready, but im not enabling it and i know i already have which absolutely kills me. she was prideful and destroyed my emotional security in my own home, that i invited her into. made a place for her here. helped her furnish her room, fed her, tried to help her keep her job.

maybe worst of all convinced my partner to invite her in, who cant stand her now. through all of this, the way she’s treated my partner has been the most insulting. every time i think she’s working on things, i tell her that to me, the most important apology is to him, and he’s not going anywhere in my life. she still never has.

months of hiding away in my room, letting chores fall to the wayside in avoidance of interacting. i used to cook for the whole house multiple times a week. i used to host really lovely parties. i don’t invite anyone over anymore.

and so finally, after i go to the meeting, and finally, after i decide it’s time to look into moving out for me and my partners sake, she wants to apologize. she wants to have the hard conversations and give sobriety a try. she wants to be back to normal, and gets upset that i’m going out without her.

like i could trust that she wouldn’t black out and throw up everywhere when i go for casual drinks with some friends. like i could trust she wouldn’t be belligerent to people she doesn’t know, that i do. like i could trust that if i were to get a little drunk, safely with a group of friends and a ride, that she wouldn’t get so drunk she would hurt herself, and it would be my fault in the end because i didn’t anticipate needing to take care of her. i don’t even want to drink anymore, at all.

and now, because i’ve given up and withdrawn after months of trying, she has nowhere to go. her only option is to leave behind her entire support system and everything she knows, and move across the country to live with family. she would never say it, but im the bad guy again for abandoning her, when the reality is that i’ve been the only one truly trying to help her for almost a year now.

and im so angry that she’s leaving. i’m so angry that all of the beautiful plans we had will never happen. i’m so angry that i was robbed of my time to grieve my own personal losses because hers were more important than anyone else’s. i’m so angry that she has burned bridges i cant repair for her, not just in her own life, but mine, too. i feel so responsible for it all, and so angry for her stupid choices, simultaneously.

and it’s so hard not to be in denial. she is a full blown addict. it’s just so hard to believe it is said and done, because it feels like it happened so fast. she will now struggle with this for the rest of her life, even if she becomes sober. and i don’t know if she can survive the weight of guilt and trauma while sober, but i don’t know that id call what she is doing now surviving either.

i feel betrayed. i knew she would eventually come to me and tell me in hindsight how guilty and shameful she felt. i understand addiction, and it doesn’t make it one bit easier. i never want to live a life without her, but ill never forget the ways she has treated me and my loved ones.

this is so, so lonely. i feel neurotic around my other friends. i overthink every choice i made that led us to this point and enabled her. i am filled with regret. i know of the three C’s and at times like this, it’s hard to care. i’ll still go to another meeting, but i don’t think anything will really help fill this hole in my heart, my life. i just wish i had done more, sooner. i hate this so much.

My ex partner caused a lot of damage over 4 years with alcohol to the point I had to call the police so I blocked him for 6 weeks , unblocked him as he had tried to contact me numerous ways after I blocked him so I contacted him to see if he had actually done anything to get help and he was so upset and crying and said he was heartbroken and just wanted to be with me so I said that the only way there would be any chance would be for him to stop drinking for 6 months so I could learn to trust him again and he said he would never stop drinking at weekends and only stick to 4/6 cans but all he ever showed me was that sticking to an agreed amount never worked so he blocked me
Do you think he might eventually changed one he realises he lost me for good ?

My dad has been drinking pretty much my entire life. I’m 22 now. I’m not in a good position to move out, since I can’t drive, i’m still in college, I don’t have a job, and I don’t have a bank account.
He’s not a terrible person, but drinking makes him terrible. I try to follow all of the standard tips. I try to not take his words personally. I try my best to not clean up his messes (though eventually I have to because I still want to live in a clean space). I’m trying to start exercise, and i’ve built a routine for myself to hopefully follow for a while. I lose sleep often, because he wakes up in the middle of the night and slams things and screams. He only ever wants to talk and hang out when he’s drunk, and he’s very quiet and flat when he’s sober. I don’t really know who he is anymore.
I say all of this to ask how do you not just lose hope? I don’t mean in him specifically. I know now I can’t help him, and I can’t fix him. But I don’t look forward to waking up anymore. I’m not in a crisis or anything, but i’ve become very apathetic. My life is like groundhog day. Maybe he’ll sober up for a week or so, but eventually I return back here. I can’t picture a future anymore. I can’t really picture anything. I feel fine when I’m out of the house, but even then, it feels like I’m on autopilot.
How do you start living for just yourself? Is there any real way to truly ignore it all?
Sorry, this is a really long post. I guess I’m just thinking out loud.

Hello everyone, I’ve been struggling with my fiancé’s drinking issues for about a year and a half. I know how I feel and where I stand- I don’t think that I’m wrong, but I can’t tell what’s going on. Is this how it started for “textbook” alcoholics? How does it progress from here? Am I making a mistake?

Every time I read other people’s posts and experiences, I feel like our problems are small compared to a stereotypical alcoholic scenario. Not to say they aren’t serious, but what I’ve experienced through my fiancé doesn’t feel like true alcoholism.

Of course, beyond the alcohol issues, he’s a great guy. He supports me while I’m in school, provides for us, works 2 jobs, is sweet and kind and loving.. all of that jazz. I hate typing out all of his worst moments or habits because it sounds like a terrible person

Prior to us meeting, he lived more on the wild side. Early 20s, lived in a party city, bad friends, bad environments. He’s said it was more occasional drug use (cocaine, marijuana, rarely hallucinogenic) than drinking. He got out of that environment and stopped doing all of that (except casual marijuana use, which I don’t care about, I do too). But the changes after leaving that were hard on him mentally, (depression, anxiety, lonely), and that’s when it changed to alcohol abuse- primarily beer, liquor more occasionally.

After we started dating it took me a couple months to fully clock it. It caught my attention that he seemed to always have beers on hand, would always get a drink when we would go out- but it seemed pretty controlled most of the time. I never noticed that he couldn’t stop drinking after he started. It was more just that, he wanted to have a drink and if he didn’t have anything else to do, he would do it. (I distinguish this because it’s not the typical “once an alcoholic has a drink, they can’t stop”. He could stop if he wanted to, he just didn’t want to, and he wasn’t getting drunk)

But eventually I picked up that this was a daily thing. It wasn’t always to get drunk. More often than not, he wasn’t drunk. Just having 4-6 beers throughout the course of the whole day, if he was off. Or 2-3 over a couple hours after he did get off.

Saw him get into some arguments with family and then later with me, while drinking- and it felt like it was getting worse. It felt more of an underlying anger issue that was just coming out with the alcohol.

To clarify, it’s not random spouts of anger over nothing. It’s more if any normal argument gets started about anything and he’s getting defensive. Or if the argument was about his relationship with alcohol.

Eventually he hit what I called rock bottom at the time- kicked himself out of his families house (wasn’t a healthy environment regardless of the drinking), I let him live with me with the condition that he does not get drunk at my house. And of course he did. And that’s when I decided he was an alcoholic and I just wasn’t seeing the whole picture until then.

I was always helpful and hopeful with him. Never really angry to his face even when I was. I didn’t want to fight this issue with anger and I’m glad I didn’t. He admitted for the first time that he was an alcoholic and ever since then (June 2025), that part of the issue is long gone. Took a month or 2 off from drinking at all, did some therapy sessions, where the therapist felt he wasn’t an alcoholic, he was just dealing with a lot of shitty life things (very true) and he was using that to cope, and learned some better ways to do so instead.

Everything felt great. When he decided he was okay to have a drink when we went out or maybe have a couple beers at home, once a month or less. Had a bottle of his favorite whiskey for his birthday (lasted a couple weeks). Stuff like that. I didn’t like it, but I understood. And that’s truly what he did/does. He doesn’t get drunk at home.

The problems moving forward is that he will sometimes lie about having a drink. It’s not like he was getting drunk or even tipsy. He says he lied because he knew it could start a fight (I get really on edge when he drinks because of the arguments we’ve had when he’s drinking) or because he doesn’t like that I was questioning him about it in the first place, that he should be allowed to have a drink after work without having to tell me.

Of course the lying made my feelings about it worse. Which causes me to be even more easily irritable when he does drink, which in turn has caused more fights and tension.

Beyond that, there’s been a few times where we’ve gone out with friends or together and we were drinking, and he did get drunk to where I had to take care of him, but no one else was getting that drunk.

But most recently… there’s been a lot of stress in our relationship recently (not alcohol related) and we’ve just been arguing a lot. We went out one night and some of the stressors came up and a few arguments started between us. However, if he hadn’t been drinking, he wouldn’t have overreacted and we wouldn’t have gotten into fights.

By the end of the night we were in a full fight with each other. I’ve never seen him so mad at me, and I was honestly scared. He’s never put his hands on me, but he looked like he could’ve. He was very tipsy at this point, but more quite drunk. I was pretty much sober. It was time to go home.. the fighting in public is just embarrassing. We had driven separately. I stayed in my car for a while to decompress while he drove home. I didn’t think him driving would be a problem. I knew he had driven worse off in the past and been okay (I am NOT saying it was okay for him to do that. If I felt safe to stay longer, I would’ve encouraged us to wait. But I did not feel that i could safely do that. And i definitely didn’t feel safe to have him in my car

Well, as I’m driving home, 1/4 mile from our house he was pulled over. Was pulled over for speeding and got arrested for DUI (.12 BAC). Anyone who’s been through this, knows it’s an awful process. Annoying, expensive, and the emotions that come with it from the spouse.

I didn’t know how I felt anymore. Between the consequences the DUI puts on us, and the drinking being a problem AGAIN I just didn’t know where I stood with our relationship anymore. I took some time and had some extra therapy sessions for that week.

We got good news from the lawyer a few days later, and he decided he wanted to buy a 6 pack to “celebrate”. WHO in their right mind drinks a few days after getting a DUI??? You would think that would be true rock bottom. And mind you, he barely buys beer to have at home. But I didn’t say anything. Just wanted to see how it played out. He had 2 that day and 1 the next. Doesn’t seem like an “alcoholic”, but it also does

Eventually I came down to this. I told him I could not be in a relationship with him if he continued to have a relationship with alcohol in anyway. I don’t want to be with him if he’s going to drink at all. I explained thoughtfully and carefully. He understood and said I’m more important and if that’s what it takes then he’ll do it.

But he had 3 beers left. Next day, came home and caught him drinking one. His first instinct was to lie about it, but I wasn’t playing that shit. Gave me some stupid speech about he just wanted to finish what he had before he can’t drink again blah, blah blah. I was pissed. I didn’t even know what to say. I’m just thinking to myself “do you hear yourself and how stupid that sounds. That’s what an alcoholic would say”. After arguing He said I can throw out the other 2 left and it wouldn’t bother him at all, but he wasn’t going to, and that either way, once those are gone he’s done.

I had so much homework to do, I couldn’t waste my time on that nonsense. At that point I decided I couldn’t control the situation and needed to let God handle it. I didn’t bother throwing the others out and he did drink them.

We ended up having an actually good long conversation about my “ultimatum”. Started off with him saying he was just doing it for me, he didn’t have a choice, and he disagreed with the reasonings but it’s not worth losing our relationship over. I had to explain he DOES have a choice, used the alcohol is equivalent to a 3rd person in the relationship, all of that jazz. And he FINALLY said he understood it and is in agreement about everything.

Obviously, I’m not an idiot, after everything we’ve gone through I’m skeptical. I don’t trust him. And he knows that. We talk about it. He’s trying to repair things (again). It does feel different. I don’t know why it does.

But I’m angry. I’m so angry about everything. I want to move forward. I don’t know how to trust him. I know he has to show and prove things to me. But how do I get rid of that background voice saying he could be lying. I try to be honest when I don’t know if I trust him or not. But for some reason saying that is very hard.

Part of me that feels prepared for everything to end because he probably will have a drink at some point.

Part of me can’t tell if I’m overreacting. Or under reacting.

Am I gonna look back in a few years and realize he was just a regular alcoholic and I was in denial? Am I gonna be years into a marriage still trying to save an alcoholic?

I’m trying to listen to God. Is God literally kicking me and putting more reasons in front of me why this relationship won’t work. Is the devil at play in our relationship?

If you were kind enough to read my whole story, thank you. It was long and hard to write or make short. This is my first post here and I’m just trying to figure everything out 💛

my Q has been all over the place with sobriety. he's abused alcohol, kratom, and eventually street drugs. Ive found him with needles, bottles, blood, passed out, enraged, inconsolable, literally on the brink of death. he went to rehab, detox, and got arrested for drug possession. he moved out six months ago, finally got a job to pay his own rent. in those months since, he got arrested for assault, went to jail, was seen by mutual friends drinking, has a mental breakdown with a welfare check. he promised a change, I'm allowing space for a chance. I told him show me your drug testing history. he said okay, and would get it to me that day- then proceed to fight with me about it every time I asked where it was. he's been flakey, he looks spacey, acting sketchy. he told me once he was on his way over to my house and then fell asleep for six hours and completely blew me off. another time I crawled into my bed to cuddle and I found a needle, which he said were from his testosterone shots and must have stuck. we've gotten in multiple fights over the drug tests paperwork, i haven't seen him in weeks. I deserve proof, right? well he finally dropped it off today when I was at work. with a note on the back.

"due to jail and a missing trail, these are all they had. I asked about kratom, they said I did have a bit in my urine. I'm sorry, you're right, im a fuck up. let me know if you ever want to talk again. I got let go from work. I really liked it there. I'm not going to go on a bender because of it. I'm just a bit broken up about it. if you don't hear from me today , it's because I am not happy about any of this. and I going to scream into a pillow for a night. I am scared it will affect my court.. sorry for being me. I hate it. love, Q"

uh alright. so I read it and it's one drug urine panal a month, but there were huge gaps in between. he told me it was once a week, and this barely is anything. the kratom testing is at a different clinic, and I didn't see that. it shows positive for amphetamine, which why is he even on adderall? and positive for fentanyl once at a time he said he had surgery, but that was five days before he was tested, and it was for a cyst removal on his chest. but a week after that test, I know he was seen at a festival doing drugs and drinking. it just doesn't add up. and yeah, he has a court date in front of a jury for having a breakdown and hopping the fence to punch his neighbor or in the face. it's so dumb, this doesn't make sense and I still feel like he's hiding things from me. I haven't said anything. so then he texts me this.

"sorry. I just feel like failure right now and a loser. I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm sure you're angry, and I am sorry. I'm trying to cope instead of making things worse like I would normally do. Losing that job feels like a decapitation. I actually felt like I belonged for once. I didn't get trained well enough to even apply at other jobs, even with them as references.. fuck"

okay. what am I even supposed to think. all I can say is I knew this was happening, I knew he was doing something behind my back. he tried to make me feel like I was controlling and making the relationship toxic, and that I should just be proud he's doing okay with probation. I just feel like I deserve the truth.

My husband has been mostly sober for about 2 years (2 mild relapses that each lasted 2 weeks) but our relationship is super Rocky.

I’m not sure we’ll make it. To help my 3yo daughter cope with just general anxiety, I am taking her to a child psychologist, but nervous I’ll say something to trigger the therapist to call cps.

Most of my daughter’s anxiety is night time related - she can’t sleep alone. But I’m sure the household chaos plays a big part.

Does anyone have any recommendations or wisdom ?

The last almost 2 years have been ups and down with my partner (35M), me (27F) good times and bad times due to his drinking. When we met he was very transparent about working on himself and having an addiction but if I’m being honest I didn’t understand how serious it really was until it was too late. The past 4 months I would say have been the worse, he resigned from his job due to the overwhelming amount of stress drinking was having on him and work. Which I then supported us both for 2 months during that time. It got so bad the week before he resigned I called the cops to remove him from my apartment we share because I was working from home on a meeting and he was yelling random things in my background which made me rage. After it broke my heart into pieces, I hated hearing him outside of the door trying to reason with me and the cops to let him in. I didn’t I told them to escort him away and it was either jail or the ER and he chose the ER where he yelled about wanting to kill himself then was placed on a 72 hour hold. During his hold in the hospital he was away for 5 days and I only visited him for 2 hours total because I was so upset and hurt it got to this point. And wanted to make a point I would never be back visiting him for something he caused poisoning himself. After he was released I let him back in despite so many people telling me not to but I couldn’t do it, I let him in under an ultimatum that blew up in my face. Fast forward to today and I’ve began going to Al-anon but my partner is still trying to convince me he’s ready to quit and do the work but he’s not while I was at my meeting he took that as an opportunity to go to the bar with a friend who is aware of his struggles and it completely shook me it felt like a spit to the face. I’m here because of your actions and my lack of boundaries that let you get this close to begin with. I just kept asking why do you do the same things that end with us back here. I just can’t, tonight I blew up again and told him I’m done he’s sleeping on the couch and again I feel bad, but this is what he deserves I told him he traded me in for the bar and friends who don’t care. And I meant that he’s got a ton of support in AA and real friends but doesn’t go as he used to before he met me. And no I’m not the issue it’s self and ego. Coming from a friend of his who used to see him try, I just wish he’d try again, he’s done it before without me I just want him to go again. I told him things won’t change until he does which means staying to his routine and finding things he likes outside of drinking. I love him sooo much it hurts but he is aware I can’t fall with him, but god does it pains me to let him go. And a little background about me I drink socially but am not into alcohol what so ever we don’t bring any inside of our home, I’m extremely supportive of my partner as he’s a capable brilliant loving man with such a shit disease we like to stay active and do things together as well, we are two ppl who really enjoy each others company and during that time he’s sober but when I’m not around those are the times he’ll drink not all the time but many, he used to do it to where he’d pass out on the couch but that’s slowly stoped because of the nagging and fighting and again I won’t live like that I have a life too that shouldn’t be dictated by senseless drinking I hope his high power gets a hold of him before I’m gone.

People come out of the damn wood work. Ones you’d never expect. My q’s former coworker, who always tells the story about how they didn’t like each other but became friends. Calls me and just asks about the kid and I and of course, how his friend is doing. I have very little updates to give apart from he isn’t driving the car he bought a few months ago. He had the shakes trying to buckle the toddler into the car seat (I finished it, my car, don’t worry). His friend said that was too bad and I’m doing the right thing. Also kept saying he was here for my son and I, anything we needed. Vacation stay with a pool or just a person to call. And I was so moved, because this man, Jim, has shown more concern and compassion toward my son than even his own dad has over the last 6 months. Tears ensued from the one with the most frequent crier miles. The good people find you and surround you when you need, reminding you that what you feel is valid and you’re not alone.

Hello. I’ve never posted here but am doing so from a hotel after my Q’s recent episode. This is not the first time. My Q (42M) and I (43F) have been together nearly five years, married for two. Long story short- I didn’t see the signs until I was already engaged and moved into my Q’s house.

For backstory: Q and I are both remarried. I asked for a divorce after 13 years. He was “informed” (his words) he was getting a divorce after seven years. From what Q has told me, his ex-wife took issue with his alcohol abuse and was a problem to the point where they saw a marriage counselor and counselor told Q he was an alcoholic. Q’s sister told me that her brother and his ex-wife would drink and start arguments with each other.

About a year into my relationship and on vacation for my 40th out of country, I asked my Q to head back upstairs from the bar after a long day. He immediately reacted and became angry at being asked to leave (did not want to, wanted to keep drinking). He became belligerent. Some random guy staying at the resort heard him talk to me and caught my eye sympathetically. Having never encountered this with my Q before I was flabbergasted and spent wasted energy trying to reason with him. He showed little remorse and minimized the impact of the situation. I thought it was a blip. I was wrong.

Shortly after getting engaged and moving into Q’s home (have moved many times in past few years so exhausted by this) I realized this blip was a pattern. I talked with my therapist about how to approach and once again tried to reason and communicate negative impact. Same response - defensiveness, projection, gaslighting, belligerence. My Q struggles to moderate on vacation, at concerts and sporting events, etc. He is like his mother, also an alcoholic whose own alcoholic mother lost her children to addiction. Both like drama and attention, especially in public. I’ve dealt with scenes from both.

Things came to a head in June 2024 while at a conference for work. My Q came with me as we were close to extended family, and my Q wanted to visit after the conference. Once again my Q wanted to stay longer at a bar and became combative when asked to leave. My room at the hotel was next door to my colleague’s. My Q, combative and belligerent, came off the elevator saying loudly he didn’t care if i got fired because it didn’t affect him (asked him to lower voice). Again, flabbergasted.

After more futile conversation to point out these repeated patterns, we drove back to our house (he owns, key). The next day more alcohol abuse. I came to a point that day where I told him- if you can’t or won’t do the work to moderate, I can’t marry you. He swore he would, went so far as to go to an addiction specialist, and then went back to the same patterns.

Things have gotten worse and cycles continue. I have put in place boundaries around not being around him if intoxicated or engaging in unhealthy behaviors and go into our spare room. I try not to engage. We agreed that he do certain things- take the prescribed pill on vacation, etc. and do the work consistently to not get intoxicated and seek out alcohol. This past weekend we took our dogs for a trip. He did not bring the pill but did bring a bottle after I asked him not to. He uses cigars as excuses for alcohol and insisted on both while away. When confronted he minimizes and is in a lot denial. Hence the hotel.

I’ve come to a point where I’m trying not to debate and not react. He is in denial and not going to convince him otherwise. I have some hope and there are good things about him- why I stay. I also stay because I am not on equal footing with him and need a plan before leaving.

Thank you for listening. I don’t know what I am asking for other than support. I am new to Alanon and have been to a few meetings. I have not previously been in a serious relationship with an alcoholic and am struggling.

My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers and married for over 20 years. He was the love of my life, and I never imagined we would end up here.

Over the past 2.5 years, his personality has changed dramatically. He has a history of drug and alcohol abuse and addiction and is currently prescribed high doses of Adderall and Xanax. He also uses extremely large amounts of marijuana concentrates daily and psilocybin mushrooms.

He has become increasingly paranoid, irrational, and verbally abusive. He makes bizarre accusations about me, including that I’m having affairs, sending explicit pictures, and conspiring against him. None of it is true, but he is absolutely convinced. There is no reasoning with him.

He hasn’t worked in three years, and I’ve been solely responsible for supporting our family financially. His behavior has escalated to hours-long episodes of rage, screaming horrible things at me, destroying my belongings, reckless driving, threatening suicide, and showing up at my workplace screaming and banging on doors and windows. He has lost significant weight, and his relationships with our four children (three of who are adults) have deteriorated terribly.

I’ve have trying to help him, encouraging treatment, and desperately trying to understand what happened to the man I married. He insists nothing is wrong with him and that I am responsible for everything.

Things finally became so frightening that I filed for a domestic violence protection order, which was granted for myself and our 16 year old son.

I’m devastated. I still love him, or at least the person he used to be. It feels like I’m grieving someone who is still alive.

Has anyone experienced this kind of dramatic personality change associated with stimulants, benzodiazepines, and heavy marijuana use? Did your loved one ever recognize what was happening? Did treatment help? Did the person you knew ever come back?

I’m not looking for anyone to excuse his behavior. I know I have to protect myself and my family. I’m just trying to make sense of something that has completely turned our lives upside down.

As I sit in our car, I grieve my life for the 100th time. 

I'm sitting here because you started screaming at me again. Because you relapsed again, on schedule. 

Today is Monday. Wednesday you will tell me that you are going to pull through this time. Friday you won't get home until 3AM. 

As I grieve my life for the 100th time, I reflect on the last twelve years with you. I cherish the man who stood up for me, who understood me, and who had confidence in me before I had it in myself. 

That man became a prisoner three years ago, and the warden is in the form of a bottle. I have waited patiently, I have fought, I have let my entire person become engulfed in saving you from this. 

Despite us losing everything we built together, despite all of the abuse and infidelity.. I still love you. I know you are sick, and that you need help. But I have reached the end, there is nothing left, not for me and not for you. 

You don't know this, but I'm leaving. I've had it planned for a month now. At the end of this month you will come home and I won't be there. I'll be on my way to an address you don't know in a different state. 

I know I have a lot to be grateful for. But right now it doesn't feel that way. I won't have transportation, or my own housing, or even a meaningful source of income. 

But I still have confidence that I can figure all of that out, simply because you won't be there. 

The closer it gets, the more difficult everything becomes. My brain is broken and my nervous system has collapsed. 

As I sit here in our car, I weep and sob in pity for both of us, for the 100th time. I hope that without me you are able to find your way.

I left my husband for good a couple months ago. I posted about my desperation and situation here.

As expected his drinking spiraled and he ended up with a dui. His work forced him into rehab and he completed his time and is sober. The down side is he is desperately trying to save our marriage. I have of course firmly declined. He did knowledge that he would have never gotten sober if I hadn’t of left. It’s still early days but I hope for our kids it sticks. DUIs in my state are quite strict, so hopefully the consequences have caught up.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/s/tEk81OTcXW

It is 2.30 am. I broke with Q a few weeks ago, but still on occassion talk to him.

He is in a very bad state. I feel these are his last moments and I cannot find it in me to reconnect. I am tired, griefing, and so done. But he will die. How can I not be there for him? It is all so horrible. The guilt is horrible.

So many tears and uncertanty on what to do.

Not sure what the purpose of this post is. I guess just to see if someone listenes. All my friends applaud me for breaking with him. That makes me ao sad. They applaud me to leave someone who is in the last stages his life.i feel horrible.

Sorry for the typos. Tears Block my view.

Esit: yes to al anon. Yes to 3 c. This post is not about that

I F26 am currently have been with my boyfriend M36 for a little over a year now. He is amazing sober- funny , kind, etc. All the things that made me fall in love with him. But since early on in the relationship I have been trapped in a cycle- he binges, acts crazy when drunk, promises to change, is sober for a short period of time , all is well, then it starts again.

When he drinks he is irrational and mean. Often starting arguments with me over nothing or going on long rants about how the world is against him. Slamming doors and storming out of the house. He’s driven drunk often with me in the car or just by himself , open containers in the car, etc. These binges last for a week or so then he’s sober for maybe two weeks or so rinse and repeat.

Everything really came to a head as he just got fired from work for drinking on the job(not the first time but this was just the final time). The cameras caught him drinking on the job and he was acting irrational at work. He also got kicked out of housing as right now we’re on a seasonal position and have employer housing.

He is staying in a hotel right now, I just visited him after not talking for a few days. He is begging me to stay and promising change. Saying he will be accountable this time. We will make a contract with each other for him to stay sober, he will get help, etc.

He has not drank since but also has not been sleeping or eating really (probably withdrawal from both alcohol and weed) he’s crying alot , begging for my forgiveness.

I’m empathetic and it breaks my heart to see anyone hurting, and it breaks my heart knowing I have the power to make him feel better by forgiving him. BUT I don’t want to let myself be an idiot. I don’t want to make a decision I will regret. I am drowning though mentally and emotionally being stuck in this cycle.

My sister is an addict so I know how the story can go, but I also know people do get sober.

Why is it so hard? Why is it so confusing?

I ( 40 f ) found my husband has invited escorts to home when he was drunk ( extremely) . I found out later . Can this s justified because he was drunk at that time ? Can he be given a chance ? Or he may have done when he is sober also ?

I’m in a really rough situation with my partners drinking and our future and feel like I would benefit from advice. Unfortunately my situation is very specific - it wouldn’t make a lot of sense if I generalised it. He uses Reddit and I don’t want him to inadvertently find my post, until I’ve had the chance to decide what to do next myself.

I’m really sorry if this isn’t allowed, but if it is can I ask if there are any other forums outside of reddit that people find helpful?

I filed for divorce, thus shattering the image that we are all happy and perfect and lovely and nothing wrong happens at all.

Not surprising in the slightest that she’s obsessed with maintaining appearances. This is a woman who has been physically and verbally abusive to her children, and continues to be verbally abusive to this day. It was extremely important to not let the “good perfect family” image shatter, less it expose her for the horrible human being she is.

Well, now everyone in our lives knows that he is an addict and it got so bad that I left. Her perfect little family is broken after all.

It just reminds me so much of what you read in the Al Anon literature, about how alcoholics thrive in environments of secrecy, how everyone is conned into playing along and covering up. I have always loved the imagery they talk about where it’s like everyone is standing in a river and holds the addict above their heads so they don’t get wet; when we choose to walk away it disrupts the whole system.

Happy to disrupt the system. Happy to sacrifice him for my own sake. After all, he was happy to sacrifice me for his addiction’s sake.

My partner (24F) is an alcoholic and I (24M) don't know how to deal with it.

As per title. I (24M) have been with my girlfriend (24F) for just under 3 years now, she suffers from a lifelong disability and also battles depression because of it.

When I first met her she was battling grief due to the death of a loved one. As time passed she coped better with these feelings. In March 2025 we moved in together and in June 2025 we got a dog together.

Throughout this time she was drinking and hiding it from me. It was a couple of months after we moved in I first began to fully notice the extent of it. She would hide the cans/bottles wherever she could, she'd hide them in wardrobes, under the kitchen sink etc. We have argued so much because of it and recently it has been getting worse.

She's recently been laid off and is unemployed so we're relying on me to pay for the bills. During all of which she is spending what little money she has on buying more alcohol. She lies to her parents to get money to then spend on drinks, she tells them it's for bills etc.

I have tried reasoning with her, I've tried arguing and giving her tough love. Her family have been involved and nothing seems to be helping. She says she will sort things out but the drinking is still going on. We have tried going to the GP, she's been prescribed antidepressants which she has been taking but it hasn't helped with the drinking.

I am going crazy, I love her and I want us to get through this but she doesn't seem to be willing to change her actions. When she's sober she seems genuinely apologetic and wants to change but for the little that she tries it still goes back to the same old situation.

What is the best course of action here? Do I have any chance of saving this relationship?

Broke up due to his (45M) alcoholism a month ago. We were together for a decade. The breakup caused him a psychotic episode , and he is drinking even more to cope.

Today we met for a walk, to chat about life in general. He confessed that he met with his old buddies and partied for 3 days straight. I know those people and they use drugs on parties, but he has never, ever in his life tried any and was extremely against it (never even had a cig).

Even though he is extremely autodestructive after the breakup, I never thought he would join them in using drugs. I asked him if he still relies only on alcohol, expecting fully for him to confirm, but... he told me no. I stopped, asked him to clarify, and he full-on confessed that the tried drugs out of desperation to cope with negative feelings. And been using since.

I am devastated. We are broken up, but we were together for a decade, I still love him too much. I know I am not responsible for his decisions but... it literally feels like he would never try drugs if he hasn't met me ever. I am afraid for his health, I am afraid he purposely wants to destroy himself. I am not coping well with that information.

I really beat myself up for being an enabler. Here's what I wrote today to get it off my chest (I write in second person as an emotional distancing measure):

You would catch him pouring whiskey in his iced tea. 9 in the morning. 11 at night. Time was truly immaterial in his house, a passing shape, a shadow, and to attempt to exist inside of it, to attempt to impose reason on the everyday way things were done, proved impossible. 

Alcohol did most of the work. You could have sworn that it was rubbing the numbers off of the clock, that your phone was always dying, or about to die, and that you were preparing to step into a twilight zone that didn’t concern the outside world at all. 

Terrifying, to fall asleep in a place like that. More terrifying still to step out onto the rotting porch and feel the entirety of your life, your heart, sag underneath you at the sight of blue grey smoke haloing his beautiful thundercloud of hair. 

Of course you asked him if he was alright. Of course you said that he should go to the doctor, if his back was hurting that badly. But any mention of the doctor was the emotional equivalent of drawing a knife: fear quickly suppressed by anger and worse, righteous indignation. The doctors are useless. Their tests are expensive. 

He would drive out to the little ranch house in the country and let the man he met on the internet contort his body every which way, pulling the muscles back to where they should be. You just sat in the car, of course. Watching the wind in the trees. Maybe stoned, maybe not, because let’s not pretend you were on your best behavior either, back then. 

(You knew if you said anything, really said anything, or argued, he would ask you to leave. He wouldn’t be able to stand you. And yet already he couldn’t stand you. The sound of your feet. Your laugh echoing from another room. That’s why he drinks, you sometimes told yourself. You had to keep your distance. You tied your tongue in the tightest knot you knew, the one they taught you in school. You couldn’t bear it, if he asked you to leave). 

He told you he could hear someone calling his name from off in the forest and together you would try to find whatever it was. Only frogs ever turned up, tiny fish in the deep pockets of the creek, and then you’d usher him back inside like a mother chasing her son through the door so they don’t get caught in the arriving storm. 

When it got cold he would set a lawn chair in the attic and fill an old Simply Orange container with gin, rum, and peach juice. You listened to the sound of grenade explosions and gun battles coming through the hatch in the ceiling, like a jaw bone permanently swung open. Voices from the back of a throat. Smoke would pour down too, and you would marvel that he could stare at his phone screen that long, piloting fictional ships through fictional space. You’d wait for the sun to set and then he’d come down, smoothly, as if he wasn’t drunk at all, and declare that he’d like to go to bed. You didn’t have the heart to remind him that you had made dinner plans. He remembered next to nothing that you told him, but for you it was impossible to forget the sting of his annoyance, the handful of times you did try to remind him of things like this. Dates you had planned. A repair on your car. A message from his mother. 

You were a mosquito. A house fly. An irritation beyond measure. He thought you were trying to manipulate him. He thought you were making things up. He would cry, even, complaining that his mind was entirely mist. So you shrank. You stopped asking. And one day you were small enough to fly right out the screen door.

You tell yourself, thank God no one got hurt. But you did, didn’t you? Why isn’t that hurt enough?

Hi everyone. I went no contact with my Q (ex 48m) two months ago because he wanted to drink himself to death and I had to save myself. His mom texted that he's in the hospital with 3 bleeding ulcers and rectal bleeding. She said the dr told him he'll die if he drinks anything again. I love his mom and I know she's hurting. Has anyone gone through this? I may send her words of encouragement but I don't think I should be involved with him in any way. Advice please.

My mom (44 F) has been an addict since before my sister (20 F ) and I (22 F) were born.
So was my dad. But after he passed away in 2011 things got even worse. She didn’t get custody back of us until she could prove she was sober and that didn’t happen until 2018. Since then she relapsed and now that I’m an adult I can see how bad it actually is.
About a year and a half ago she told us to at she was short for her portion of rent ( we live in a two bedroom apartment, my sister and mom have a room, and I live in the dining room). At the time I had no problem covering her part for a month or two as this was the first time it had ever happened. However now it’s been a long time since she even gave me 100 for rent and it is starting to really take a toll on me.
I have always wanted to live out, but rent where we live is insane and I would end up having to be a roommate to random people, so I have always just chose to stay since my sister helps pay a little less than half of rent.
Since she relapsed there of course have been the continuous promises of getting sober with no steps or actions to show for it.
Since my dad is dead I have always found it hard to draw strict boundaries with her as I would hate for her to end up dying out in the streets or to be so mad at me she wouldn’t want to talk to me. But with the types of men she brings into the house sometimes I get really close to having enough. Often times I don’t feel safe.
The day before yesterday she had to call the cops on her bf who barricaded himself in her room and who has previously been abusive and stole stuff from her (and hit on my sister when she was only 19).
I don’t know what to do anymore or where to go from here.

I (34M) have been with my girlfriend (34F) for about 3 years. We live together. I'm writing because I'm exhausted and I don't know what's real anymore.

For a long time we drank together — on a typical night out, 3–4 beers plus 3–4 shots of hard liquor each. At some point I realized this was too much and said we needed to stop. I cut way down myself — these days I only have 1–2 drinks, just to keep her company so she doesn't feel like she's drinking alone. That was about a year ago, and we've been arguing about it ever since. She does pay a bit more attention to how much she drinks now, but not to how often.

For the last two weeks I quietly kept a log of what I saw: she drank on 9 out of 16 days, and on most of those days it was the equivalent of 4–7 drinks (3–5 large beers, a bottle of wine, or a small bottle of cognac). When she says "one glass," it's never one glass. Recently I found an opened bottle that disappeared overnight — I'm fairly sure she hid it.

She's on an antidepressant (venlafaxine) whose leaflet literally says not to drink alcohol. She also has early fatty liver on an ultrasound, and lately unexplained bruises and nosebleeds. In February I found her semi-conscious on the bathroom floor in her own vomit after what she says was only 4 beers. I stayed up all night checking her breathing and went to work without sleep. She said someone must have spiked her drink. She was scared for a few days, then it was back to normal.

Every time I bring it up, she hears it as an attack. In her mind, an "alcoholic" is a homeless person, and since she goes to work, she doesn't have a problem. She says her friends, her psychologist and her psychiatrist all think she's fine, and that I'm the one who's wrong. Tonight it ended with me being "the problem" again.

I'm not perfect either. I've called her an alcoholic in arguments, I've tried to leave 2–3 times and came back each time after she promised to change, and I've gone along with drinking to keep the peace.

I can see that I can't make her stop. I feel like I'm the only "brake" in her life, and I'm terrified that if I leave, things will get much worse for her. But I'm also losing myself — I've stopped my hobbies, I'm always anxious, always checking.

For those who have been here:
How did you stop trying to convince them?
When I go along with it to avoid a fight, am I making it worse?
How did you decide whether to stay or leave?
Did Al-Anon meetings help you, and how did you start?

Thank you for reading.