Hi everyone! This is my first post, but I have been on this journey with my boyfriend now fiancé for over 4 years. My fiance is 34 years old and today is actually his birthday. We have 2 young kids together. He has been an addict his whole life. He has overcome so so much before we got together.

Since we have been together though he has had an alcohol problem. He hasn’t kept a job consistently the longest he held a job was 6 months and that was the longest time he has been sober in our relationship. He has been hospitalized more times than I can count from drinking. I personally do not drink and have never been in the position of being addicted to anything nor has anyone in my close circle so this is all new to me. I have read countless articles and personal stories to try and understand better. I have held down a job even while being pregnant twice. I try to be a constant in his life that he can always trust and know that I’m there if he needs something.

Recently he went to the hospital one night due to getting sick after a 2-3 week long binge. He consistently drinks 15-20 shots a day and his body was no longer tolerating it. He went to the hospital and didn’t take his phone. I called the hospital to check in and they had informed me he had been released around 1 pm. I was calling at 1:20 so he had been released for 20 minutes. I started to panic because he hadn’t called me so I drove to our house and he wasn’t there and then I drove out to the hospital and he wasn’t there waiting. I drove back the way I knew he would walk home and didn’t find him. I called the hospital back and asked to speak to his last nurse. she informed me he had checked himself into a rehab facility over an hour away from home. I felt a wave of emotions in that moment. We have an almost 2 year old and an almost 1 year old at home. The night before he went to the hospital we had a serious conversation about my boundaries and where I felt like I stood in our relationship. I told him I couldn’t let our children grow up in an unsafe house. (He was constantly leaving empty shots laying around or he’d lose his prescription medication because he was too drunk to notice). I told him that I loved him and I cared about him more than I’d ever be able to explain, but our children needed to come first. We agreed something needed to change and quickly or I wouldn’t be able to stay anymore. I didn’t want to put him in that position I didn’t want to make him feel like I had backed him into a corner, but over the past 4 years I have felt more like his mother than his spouse. And then the last 2 years I’ve been taking care of our children and him. Then he had randomly decided to go to an inpatient facility.

My first emotion or thought was I was proud of him. I know how big of a step that was for him to take. Over the years and the hospital trips he has always turned down going to an inpatient facility. He finally did it though and I felt like for the first time in so long I could take a deep breath. I also felt scared. I am very much alone in this journey myself. I cannot always tell him my feelings because I don’t want to make things worse for him during his journey. I have family that I spend time with, but they don’t know what’s going on. The only person I told was my sister and my best friend. they are both supportive and proud of him too, but they have never been in this position and so they don’t really understand the wave of emotions I’m feeling either. The most recent emotion I’ve been feeling is sadness. He’s not here and I miss him. His kids miss him. I have tried my hardest to keep the kids schedules the same, but our oldest still keeps asking where he is. Today being his birthday made this harder it feels like. I had plans to celebrate him today and it just sucks he’s not here to celebrate. His sister and dad have messaged me today telling me to wish him a happy birthday and for some reason it just made me cry. I’m fortunate that I get to talk to him at all, but I do hear from him about 3 times a day for around 5-10 minutes.

Im just so ready for this change for our family and for things to start to turn around. I am also I guess just ranting because I feel alone and I’m hoping someone here has been through something similar and can give me some hope. I think I got everything I needed to into this message, but my brain is so scattered right now that I’m sorry if it doesn’t make sense.

I just made this account to find help.

Hello, I have been struggling mentally lately from what the title says. I grew up in a family of alcoholics, and have been stuck in my hometown with them for a long time. My aunts drinking was the most obvious growing up. My dad’s was bad and he was definitely angry a lot but he only spanked us a little as kids and then the punishments just became screaming a lot. My aunts reached a head about 10 years ago when she started accusing my grandma with dementia of abuse and stealing her and my grandpas money which took a long time to deal with because my dad let her back in the picture again after this, and she even tried accusing us of being the ones stealing from them. So I think that finally ended last year. Her son also dipped his foot in the water, my cousin, but cleaned up his act after he got away with killing a family in a drunk driving accident to which he moved away probably from the shame.

While those things definitely affected me, my 2 older brothers alcoholism has been affecting me more. I used to be a ranger and had to listen to my oldest brother get arrested for drunk driving over the radio as we were tuned to the police radios as well. This was maybe a few years into his alcoholism that was rampant at holidays, regular days, middle of the night drunk fights with his ex who is currently trying to take his kids even though he got sober finally and she is also a drunk. My other older brother in between our ages has done the same but worse, losing multiple cars, totaling mine and blaming the car and wasting 4 years of my life, calling me at all hours of the night with his drunk ex to scream at each other to try and accuse the other of domestic violence which went on for at least 6-8 years. Now he is having alcohol related seizures and entering and leaving the hospital while blaming the hospital just like our older brother for not getting him into rehab or helping him because he doesn’t want to get insurance or claims he cant get it, which he can we live in CA. Theres a lot more to their aggressive behaviors and talks of violence and blaming others for their problems, but this year they heavily directed it at me calling me a deadbeat piece of shit faggot to which I finally blocked them both. The problem is I live with my parents and own a dog that I am bonded to and it’s hard finding a place for us both, were trying to get out so please don’t target me for that part, i have recurring physical injuries from the waist down that have slowed me down since I was 21 and am back in school to finish my degree hopefully by end of next year to get the hell out of dodge (I am in my 30’s now).

My point I guess is has this caused CPTSD in anyone else? I was recently diagnosed with it after a few panic attacks and other outside events from employers and friends with other mental health issues putting me down or stabbing me in the back after years of loyalty. Work has been more difficult than ever. School can cause me anxiety like never before. Sleeping is difficult. I just started and antidepressant but it kept me up all night. If anyone in a similar situation can reach out please offer me some advice other than move out. I know that is step one but we are in difficult times and my parents have only helped my brothers. I guess I should mention my mom enables my brothers until they end up this bad blaming their partners for it and paying their bail every-time meanwhile I have never been to jail or abuse substances like them, I occasionally smoke too much weed but even trying to quit that as its causing me awful anxiety.

Hey there group.. this is reposted and as the title states, I (27F) am here looking for support and advice from people who’ve lived with the weight of alcoholism, particularly from children of alcoholic parents OR alcoholic parents who’ve recovered. This is really hard for me, and I’m unsure where else to turn at this point. If I don’t clarify our situation enough, please ask me anything in regard to this, this is my first post and I hope I got enough info out.. If this isn’t the right subreddit/community, please point me in a better direction.

So, here goes… My little family and I (pregnant me, husband (31), and two children (9&5)) live with my father. We moved back in with him just over a year ago to help ALL of us, it was supposed to be a win/win situation? I guess we didn’t realize how bad it really is and was. I LOVE MY DAD. But he is in the complete depths of alcoholism and it is affecting everyone in the household.
-He’s been smoking cigarettes in the house despite communication that we can’t have that (2 kids and I’m pregnant!).
-He’s not going to work, consistently. He is supposed to work 4 days out of the work week, on average he goes in twice a week.
-He doesn’t talk to us anymore, we are lucky if we can get a response from him most days at all.
-He doesn’t really come out of his bedroom, unless to go buy a gallon of booze or smokes.
-He’s not eating anymore, the occasional snack and maybe 1/4-1/2 a plate of food if we can get him to eat with us at dinner.
-Consistent broken promises/consistent unreliability.
His mental health and alcoholism is worrying and terrifying to me. I want to help him, but how do I get through???

Some background:
Once upon a time, my family system was fantastic. Dad was my best friend, he was fun and hilarious. He loved life and made sure everyone knew it. At least that’s what we saw.
Then, my dad (and all of us) went through a nasty divorce when I was a teenager at 16. Following the divorce, my stepmom took my youngest brother (8 or 9 at the time?) with her and it really affected my dad. He started only seeing my youngest brother on weekends. He turned to more alcohol. Well, the alcoholism progressed and got worse, and my brother got older. My brother witnessed things, some that I do not even know about to this day because I was not there, but that completely traumatized him. Slowly my brother began cutting communication, and now at 18, my brother has completely cut all contact with my dad effectively for the last year. This threw my dad into an incredibly dark place and has made him a shell of who he used to be.
Anyways, none of our family seems to want to help. I’ve called his closest brother and sister, and was met with avoidance. My own siblings do not talk to me anymore, including my brother who cut contact with my dad. (My other brother doesn’t talk to me for completely separate reasons. He calls my dad very occasionally) So I’m here, reaching out to strangers who’ve been there. Who might understand. Strangers who may have advice for a girl who just really misses her dad, the dad he used to be.

I’m getting married soon and expecting our first baby, and I’m struggling with what kind of relationship our child can realistically have with my future mother-in-law. I’ve known her since I was young, and her alcoholism and health have progressively gotten worse. She rarely leaves the house, is on oxygen, and continues drinking despite her doctor telling her she cannot. Her husband is also a functioning alcoholic and generally enables her. She is in her mid 50s and I genuinely don’t know how much time she has.

She has also become extremely agoraphobic and almost never leaves home. We highly doubt she will come to our house to see the baby, and if she did, she would most likely bring beer. We cannot take the baby to her house because they smoke inside and have been unwilling to stop.

She already has one young grandchild whom she has only seen in a few times. Her daughter maintains the relationship mainly through FaceTime. I don’t know if I want to be responsible for doing the same thing, especially if she is drinking during the calls because it’s still not normal.

I grew up with parents who were addicts, so I’m used to being disappointed and feeling like substances come first. I don’t want my child to grow up feeling like alcohol was chosen over them, and I don’t want to spend years chasing someone and trying to convince her to be involved. But I also understand that addiction is a disease, and I’m trying to balance compassion with protecting my child.

What would you do in this situation? Would you allow only sober FaceTime calls and accept that the relationship may never be more than that? Would you make any effort to facilitate visits, or leave that responsibility with the grandparent? I’m not trying to punish her or use our baby as leverage, genuinely don’t know what healthy and realistic boundaries look like here. My husband is also on board with this.

Cross post from AlAnon. I just need advice 🩷

Good morning everyone. I am new to this community and wanted to reach out because I am facing some incredibly challenging times in my relationship. This coming October, I will be celebrating a major milestone: 5 years drug-free and 1 year completely sober from alcohol.

While I am incredibly grateful for my sobriety, my relationship has reached a painful crossroads. My girlfriend continues to drink heavily and party. We don't live together, but we spend most of our time together. Lately, she tells me that I’ve become "boring" now that I'm sober, and she frequently pressures me by saying I can "just have one drink." As an alcoholic, I know that one is never enough and there is no shut-off valve for me.

She frequently comes over completely intoxicated, which makes me incredibly uncomfortable and anxious. When we were both active, our chaos matched, which is why we got along so well. Now that I am sober, we feel like oil and water. I love her to death, but it feels like we are moving in two completely different directions. Her lifestyle is starting to take a massive toll on my peace of mind and my recovery boundaries.

I am realizing I cannot change her behavior, but I need to figure out how to protect my own peace. Has anyone else in recovery had to navigate an active drinker partner while trying to secure their own early milestones? How do you practice healthy detachment when you love someone but are growing apart?

Thank you all for letting me share and for any experience, strength, and hope you can share today.

Posted a few times. We effectively split a year ago. I still haven’t fully healed from all the lies , gaslighting and fact I was put second to a drink

She appeared briefly a couple of months ago after her sister spotted me out on a night out. She posted dating profile ‘ looking for someone who knows how to treat women ‘

Now suddenly she has bagged a new higher paid job in her field covering multi sites and has created a LinkedIn purporting to be an expert in the field , running podcasts, preparing info for professionals and interviewing other leaders in the field

She was sacked from two jobs in this field when we were together . I assume because she was intoxicated

She seems to have elevated since I left and she is intent on letting me know . Her media push couldn’t have failed to reach me

I now find myself doubting the gran mal I witnessed , the drink driving, the loss of morals swearing she wasn’t drinking on her kids lives, the avoidance of me for weeks on end to allow her to drink after work

Is this an upswing ? She hasn’t done any rehab so realistically she’s still drinking

She is determined to make me feel I was wrong

Dear all : first time posting .My ex of 6 years ( 55 Male) im 55 female - .He is very fit - runs swims etc and very slim and healthcinscious.Every weekend its alcohol .Meet his sons for a drink , gobto the sauna for a drink , 2 episodes of excess drinking appeared normal til he got home and verbally abused me - apologisedvthe next day said it wasnt ' him' a xouole of drinks is always 2 - 3 hours of drinking and doesnt like when I want to go home early - every icassion : a football match go for a drink before and afterwards - meet friends is always to drink ? Is he an alcoholic

I am new here, my first post. I don't know who to talk to about this. I live with my boyfriend who is a high functioning alcoholic. I am the primary breadwinner. When my boyfriend gets super drunk he tells me he doesn't need me, that I need to take my shit and get out... I've heard it all and I have been called every bad name. This happens at the most approx once a month, at the minimum approx once every three months.

This scars my heart and hurts me so bad. I don't know what to do. He just acts like it never happened and expects me to just get over it/put it in the past. To heal and get closure of what was said I would like to have a conversation but we don't. He definitely remembers what was said to me, especially when it is in text message form.

I don't know what to do. I feel like every time he does this I love him a little less and my heart gets a little colder.

I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting. I work 40 hours a week and my one way commute is 1 hour 45 minutes. When I am home I cook, clean and take care of the animals (chickens, turkeys, goats). I just don't feel like I can fit meetings into my already full schedule. Any suggestions or advice about any of this would be greatly appreciated.

My partner is a week dry but not sober. He claims he does not need therapy or recovery because he "just liked to drink" and it wasn't an escape or avoidance. He drank for 30 years, with the past two years being the most excessive- 24/7. I can not wrap my head around this.

He baited me into a fight and has now completely cut me off with the frequent "you want drama" argument after asking him for a conversation about the distance I felt like he was creating. I'll admit that I did get upset with him and sent a flurry of texts, all unanswered. My ADD brain gets extremely triggered with silence and being ignored which he knows. I really struggle with regulating my emotions.

I've been through a 10 year ringer with him and his drinking. We split for awhile and recently reconnected. The reconnection was 3 months before being forced to go dry at the risk of losing his job. It was stressful and intense and he leaned on me the whole time with excessive communication all the way up to getting out of detox. I wanted to be there for him and have so much love and concern for him.

I am now beating myself up wishing I had been more patient and should have known he needed space even though he wouldn't communicate that to me. I'm angry at myself for getting triggered and not keeping my composure. I played right into his narrative that I'm drama. When I did ask how he was doing he said he felt great and work was good. But when I brought up the distance he said I should know he's having a tough week because he just went to detox and was at risk of losing his job. He then turned to a past fight and weaponized that into the narrative that I'm crazy.

I am so confused and feel crazy. Again, my ADD brain needs to make sense of it all. I am a highly sensitive person and it's easy for me to believe the' I caused this' narrative. Any insight from past experiences or knowledge of recent sobriety welcomed.

My boyfriend and I have been together for awhile. When we first got together I noticed he drank way more than I do but he described himself as "Dr.FeelGood" when I brought up the drinking and that "it is just what blue collar men do". He misses work to recover from heavy drinking weekends, caught him doing cocaine behind my back, has at least 8-9 seltzers after work, won't eat when drinking because it kills the buzz. won't attend events unless alcohol is present, says he's going to quit and switch over to smoking weed instead. Am I crazy for thinking maybe you don't need to be hooked on anything at all? The list of things goes on. His mom knows and identifies him as an alcoholic but as a partner I have no idea how to approach this. I've explained I prefer his personality better when he is sober or just lightly buzzed but he did not have much to say about that. He is not an angry drunk just annoying. No reckless behavior besides the cocaine. Is he truly an alcoholic? Any advice?

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My (34M) partner (31M) has been dry 36 hours after an on and off bender the last 2 months

He tells me the only way to stay sober is to replace the alcohol with something else. He struggled to quit cigarettes last year so that's off the table. He says he needs to micro dose on those legal mushroom chocolate bars (they don't have actual magic mushrooms in there but legal imitation stuff from alkaloid mushrooms)

The thing is that he is basically shizo-effective and is experiencing psychosis according to his psychiatrist. So anything psychoactive can make that worse and harder to come back from.

So since he spent all his money on booze and fast food he comes to me for money for this mushroom chocolate. Basically demanding it of me "otherwise I'll have to drink." What a fucking manipulation.

Meanwhile I'm trying to heed his psychiatrist but my guy won't even take his antipsychotic meds. Why does he want to destroy his body and mind????? And then he tells me he doesn't trust me because I "made him take those pills" bro, I found you a psychiatrist when you were depressed and suicidal and paid out of pocket for your treatment. And this is the thanks I get.

I am so fucking sick of this bullshit

I’m a 33-year-old woman, and I was recently left by my boyfriend, who is the same age as me. We were together, on and off, for five years.

His drinking problem was obvious almost from the beginning. I could see that he drank far too much, but I fell for him very deeply and, at the time, I had no idea where it would eventually lead.

He was a biker, and he introduced me to motorcycles. We used to ride everywhere together. Our bond was very close from the start, and a surprising amount of it formed on the bike. He patiently taught me how to be a passenger, helped me through my fear of leaning into corners, and eventually I learned to read his movements almost instinctively. We also simply loved being physically close to each other.

I don’t even remember exactly when we started living together. It may have been after only a month or so, but it happened very naturally.

For quite a while, I didn’t fully understand the extent of his drinking because I worked shifts. I knew that whenever he drank, he drank too much. At that point, he drank roughly three or four days a week. On a weekday it might be four or five half-liter beers; on weekends, eight to ten. But we still had sober weekends and sometimes even sober weeks.

When he was drunk, he became extremely affectionate, clingy and demanding of attention. When he was sober after drinking, he could be intensely irritable and angry. Still, back then he could get out of bed the next day and function. He could go somewhere, ride, do things.

Our relationship continued to develop, and I repeatedly brought up his drinking. Sometimes it resulted in a short period of him pulling himself together; sometimes nothing changed at all.

Over time, alcohol started taking up more and more of his life. He drank more frequently. Increasingly, he would go to his mother’s place specifically to drink. Plans and promises started falling apart. Eventually, when he was drinking there, he would stop answering his phone.

I begged him to at least send me a message. I kept telling him that answering the phone mattered because one day something serious could happen to either of us — one of us could end up in hospital, and the other person would need to know. I also worried constantly about his health.

Things kept getting worse. We had less and less quality time together, and after almost three years, in the spring, I ended the relationship.

After that, his drinking became much worse. The amounts seemed to triple and he drank every day.

And yet, largely through his initiative, we stayed in very close contact. In some ways, our bond actually became deeper after the breakup. He became extremely open with me and told me things he said he had never told anyone else. We talked about existential questions, death, life, fear, meaning. I often helped him put words to his emotions and understand what he was feeling.

We still loved each other, so we got back together that autumn.

His drinking decreased from daily drinking, but only to around four or five days a week. By then his new normal was roughly eight half-liter beers on a weekday when he drank, and fifteen or more on a weekend.

We no longer lived together.

That was when I really started noticing that many of the things that used to make him happy no longer seemed to do much for him. He had very little energy, and I increasingly felt that I was carrying much of the relationship myself.

Around the four-year mark, he broke up with me because he had no intention of giving up alcohol.

That autumn, we got back together again.

This time I set one clear boundary: we would only see each other when he was sober.

For a while, until around February, we had something resembling a normal relationship. After February, we were seeing each other only about once a month. At the same time, he started talking much more about getting sober, but those conversations never turned into concrete action.

Even at that point, when our relationship was already falling apart, he would still call me a “good girl” and tell me I was the smartest woman he had ever met.

At the end of March, I ended up in hospital. I couldn’t reach him.

Three days later, he broke up with me by text.

Nine days after that, we met again and spent a very passionate night together. Whatever else was happening, the feelings and attraction between us clearly had not simply disappeared. But afterwards he told me that we really were breaking up this time.

A few days later, he brought me my belongings. We both cried and could barely pull ourselves away from each other.

Later, I found out that after dropping off my things, he went to meet the woman who is now his girlfriend.

I don’t know exactly when she entered the picture. There is a possibility that something had already started between them while we were still together, but I cannot know that for certain.

What makes it even stranger is that for about two weeks after our breakup, he still contacted me. He was mostly the one initiating it — he messaged me and even called me. Then the contact simply stopped. There was no final goodbye, no conversation about not being able to speak anymore. It just ended.

His new girlfriend is considerably older than both of us and is also a biker. From what I can see, they mostly party and drink together, go to motorcycle events, and they do not live together. She seems almost completely opposite to me in many ways, which makes seeing them together particularly strange.

And this is the part I am still trying to understand.

What exactly was the relationship I spent five years in?

How can he now feel at home among people and in a lifestyle that, when I knew him, often wouldn’t even have appealed to him?

Did he actually love me?

Who was the man I spent five years of my life with?

Because this wasn’t a relationship in which we never imagined a future. We talked about having children. I wanted children with him. The one thing I always said was that I could only do that if he stopped drinking.

And now I’m left trying to reconcile the man who could be deeply attached to me, emotionally open with me, passionate, affectionate and capable of talking about the deepest parts of himself — with the man who ultimately chose to leave, continued drinking, and built a completely different kind of life with someone else.

My partner was sober 3 days. last night the mean drunk came out even though he hadn't yet had a drop. It was scary seeing the angry drunk come out of a sober person

I don't know how else to describe it other than I knew he was sober the last 3 days and yet he was acting mean and aggressive like when he is drunk. I think it triggered me..my brain reacted as if he was drinking because that's what I'm used to I guess?

We fought and he went out and bought booze because he says I upset him. I cried all night

Up until 2 months ago he had been sober almost 3 years. I can't believe this is my life now. I want nothing more than to just disappear

I suffer from anxiety, especially health anxiety in terms of those I care about. My husband drinks 4–6 drinks every day. it makes me anxious for what he’s doing to his health. I shared my anxiety with his many times and recently he said he’s happy with his lifestyle and doesn’t plan to change. I love him and don’t want to leave him, but I am constantly monitoring his drinking and getting anxious. I’m trying to stop monitoring because I know I can’t control him, but when I stop, it feels like I’m giving up on him. He also recently admitted he’s been lying about how much he drinks. He’s a great guy, hard worker and has a great heart except when he’s had some drinks- then he often gets argumentative or becomes mean and usually only with me. We get into fights about his drinking and lately the fighting has increased a lot. I know in theory i can’t control his decisions but it really hurts that he doesn’t care that it’s affecting my life this bad. The anxiety is crippling at times even with the meds I am taking. I don’t know how to handle this

Partner of 11 years. He says he's good with drinking and he can make it work. As if his coworkers and probably his boss can't tell he's wasted while on shift. He was drunk when he said this so I really shouldn't put much stock in it. Then again he has said similar things before. How am I supposed to take this? If he's only being sober for me it will never last. So if I leave him he'll be a drunk on the street and lose everything? Fuck this man. I am so emotionally exhausted I just want to curl up in my bed and never get up and cry forever

How do you navigate life when someone has a drinking problem? How can I show my support? It’s really been affecting our relationship because all he does is hang out with his friends and drink.

What if they don’t want to stop or do it in moderation? I know they won’t stop if they don’t want to and won’t get help and truly heal unless it’s something they actually want to do for themselves but how do you navigate through that as someone’s partner?

Hey y'all, newcomer here, just got back from my 4th ever meeting. The consistency and structure has been nice. But I have been witholding from my Q (partner of 11 years) that I have been going. Besides he's been too active in his addiction to really notice, I've had other appointments on the same days so just didn't mention where else I was going.

Well, this morning he invited me to go to a dance class with him (after he was horrendous to me while drunk last night; did not apologize) and instead of telling him I couldn't make the class because I have my weekly AlAnon meeting (I was afraid of more conflict) I lied about meeting up with a coworker instead.

At the meeting I bought some of the AlAnon literature this time- like the 12 steps book- and want to try to learn more about the program before I get a sponsor.

I assume he's going to see the book, and I also feel guilty about lying where I was going this morning. I want to tell him but I'm afraid it will cause more conflict.

Tl;dr I'm afraid to upset my partner by telling him I've been going to AlAnon.

Has anyone been through this kind of situation? How did you handle this? Thank you for any insight 🙏🏼

Fifteen months ago, I met someone. I was in a time of my life where I was incredibly lonely and hated where I lived. We immediately clicked when we both admitted to each other on the first date we both hated the city we lived in and wanted to move after we both finished grad school (a year later). I felt very seen by this person and understood in a way I felt like I really needed. I was incredibly lonely, and just had a huge falling out with my best friend of ten years where I knew the relationship would most likely not recover.

The second or third time we hung out, he admitted he relapsed from being sober after almost four years (alcohol and cocaine) and was drinking and smoking weed. He told me he would get back on the wagon, since he was already sober for years. I believed him. I looked the other way, ignored the huge red flag, and kept dating him. Even when at this time, I knew how codependent I am on others.

Long story short, our relationship was never healthy. He continued to relapse again and again. I dragged him to rehab last September. He went to rehab again last December. I kept sticking with him because I didn't want to be the person who leaves someone when they are struggling and I loved him very much as a person. But during our whole relationship (April 2025- June 2026) we got into a toxic cycle of fighting and making up; as one could imagine a codependent and addict together would. I began to completely pour everything into him to try to make sure he was OK and physically safe. Even once I rushed over to his apartment to make sure he wasn't ODing when he wasn't returning my texts. I tried to tell him how great he is as a person, and how much I love and care for him. I think I thought subconsciously that if I loved him enough he would be ok and be sober and love me too. (I am SO codependent I know).

Anyways, in the last seven months, he broke up with me and said he couldn't date during his first year of sobriety. He went to a sober living house, only to leave about two months later and immediately relapse after 100+ days sober. Even though I wasn't technically his "girlfriend" in his eyes, we continued our relationship. We both didn't mean to but we were already deep in this cycle of getting sucked back together from both of our unhealed, toxic patterns. He would tell me he didn't love me anymore and I still stayed. He would tell me he loved me and be affectionate and warm, just to deny his feelings and diminish our connection a few days later. This happened repeatedly. His actions and words would never match up. He would say he didn't love me romantically anymore, only to act like he did and nothing changed. I don't know if it was to try and convince himself he wasn't following AA guidelines to not date, but overall I've seen his complete lack of ability to be honest with himself over his addiction and his feelings. (especially with me).

Again, he relapsed and was drinking heavily (he would buy a fifth of vodka and drink it straight at all hours of the day or night) and started doing cocaine again. One morning, at 7 am, I poured the vodka down the drain. He called me a "cunt" and "bitch". Another time he pretended to punch me multiple times in the stomach for making him wake up after sleeping literally all day to make him eat something.

He refused to stop going on Grindr. He said he wanted to be "selfish" and that he wanted to do whatever he wanted. He wanted me in his life without the responsibility for our relationship. I asked him to compromise on Grindr, slow down or come to some mutual decision that felt good for the both of us. He refused. I told him I no longer wanted to sleep with him if he was on Grindr. He didn't care. He chose Grindr over me. He said he was "happy with his sex life" and would continue using Grindr even if it meant not having intimacy with me. I feel totally devalued.

6 weeks ago, I finally snapped. My abandonment fears totally took control, and I was sobbing crying on the phone with him begging for him to come over. He said he wanted to celebrate with his friends (for graduating with his MA) even though I knew he would get more fucked up. I made him promise to come over after being with his friends, partying...even if it was in the middle of the night. He promised. He didn't come. I felt the very little trust I had left with him completely leave my body. I still rushed to his apartment to see if he was somewhat OK or even home, and we fell asleep together. In the morning, I wrote a note to him telling him I loved him but it wasn't enough and that I no longer feel safe or secure with him or trust him. I told him I was finally done. I left it on his desk while he was asleep. I cried and kissed his face/forehead goodbye. Later, he texted me saying he was going to get sober and wanted to spend the summer with me. I told him it was too late.

He has been in rehab again the past 6 weeks (three rehabs in less than 12 months). I know he doesn't have any emotional availability or capacity for me. I know he needs to focus on himself. I know we both need space. I know he can't give me any safety, security, or reciprocity I need and deserve. I know it's his disease, but I am resentful, angry, hurt.

I oscillate between being sad (for him, for me) and being angry. Angry for putting up with such chaos and toxicity for over a year. Angry for putting up with his continuous disrespect. Angry that he made me feel undervalued, under appreciated, unloved, not considered. Angry that I let someone treat me so badly and I still stayed. But mostly angry for trying so hard to make him feel loved and supported and what I got in return was being treated like trash.

My (34M) partner of 11 years (31M) says I caused his recent 2 relapses after 2.5 years sober. I told him I didn't make him drink, he chose to do it. He agreed, but said I was still the cause to make him want to drink, because I did things that upset him

How can I go on with someone who says this? I am trying to be supportive but then he blames me for his actions. I'm so emotionally drained, and now I feel guilty too.

Sorry for the rant

My best friend (42F—we’ll call her M) is an alcoholic, and I feel completely out of my depth.
I know this is long, but I feel like the context matters because this didn’t happen overnight.
M has been with her now ex-husband since they were in junior high. They became parents young, got married, had more kids, built careers, and from the outside looked like they had a successful life together.
The marriage wasn’t healthy though.
He isn’t a bad person, but he wasn’t emotionally supportive, and she spent years feeling like she always came last. She worked, cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids, stayed in shape, supported his career…and she felt completely taken for granted. They did therapy. They did marriage counseling. Nothing really changed.
To be fair, she wasn’t innocent either. She had multiple affairs over the years, including one with his best friend. He found out about both of them and still tried to save the marriage.
For the five years I’ve known her, she’s been saying she wanted out. She used to joke that she wished he’d either agree to an open marriage or come out as gay so they could just stay friends.
Bottom line—they were toxic together.
She’s always called herself an alcoholic, but she was what everyone would call “high functioning.”
She was incredible at her job. An amazing mom. The funniest person in the room. One of those friends you could completely be yourself around. We have a tight-knit group of four women, and we’ve always been able to tell each other anything without judgment.
Then about a year ago, something changed.
Her drinking stopped being something she joked about and started controlling her.
The first time I was genuinely embarrassed was at a large community gala where I invited her as my guest.
She got so drunk that she kept wandering around during the keynote looking for something she’d misplaced. She’d come back to the table, seemingly forget she’d already looked, then get back up again. This happened four or five times.
Then she started loudly commenting about the speaker’s “mouth noises” and making fake gagging sounds during the presentation.
I finally texted her husband to come get her.
After that, things escalated.
I stopped inviting her to networking events because I never knew what version of her would show up.
She started missing deadlines at work.
She’d forget conversations we’d had the day before.
She’d tell stories that didn’t add up.
People started calling me because they’d see her drunk somewhere and didn’t think she should be driving.
I’d go pick her up.
Then she decided to leave her husband.
She had an apartment lined up and was genuinely excited.
Moving day came…and she stayed because, according to her, he guilt-tripped her.
She lost a lot of money on the apartment, became severely depressed, and finally agreed to see a doctor.
She was prescribed anti-anxiety medication, antidepressants, and sleeping pills.
Around the same time she started seeing another man.
The problem is…she doesn’t even seem to like him.
From day one she’s complained about him, but keeps going back anyway.
Eventually her husband agreed to the divorce she’d wanted for years.
Instead of being relieved, she completely unraveled.
She started insisting she’d “only had two drinks” no matter how intoxicated she obviously was.
We were there. We knew she was lying.
She couldn’t understand why her ex wasn’t fighting for her anymore—even though she had a boyfriend, had been asking for a divorce for years, and was seeing other men too.
I’ve never been the friend who sugarcoats things.
I told her, gently but honestly, that he DID fight. For years. Eventually people reach their limit.
She didn’t want to hear it.
Our friend group has always had one rule: we’ll support you through anything, but we won’t validate bad decisions.
Eventually she made it clear she didn’t want our opinions anymore, so we mostly just listened.
Then we found out she’d gotten a DUI.
She never told us.
Small town…word got around.
We never confronted her because we were trying to keep communication open.
Her ex eventually started dating.
She absolutely lost her mind.
She became obsessed with why he had “moved on,” despite spending weekends with her boyfriend and seeing other men herself.
Nothing made sense anymore.
She’d send us dozens of messages saying nobody loved her, she’d never be happy, she couldn’t stop crying…while refusing every suggestion to get help.
The lies became constant.
Her ex eventually contacted our friend group because he was genuinely scared.
He showed us screenshots of messages that honestly looked unhinged.
At that point we realized all of us had been getting different versions of reality.
Then we learned the DUI was much worse than we’d realized.
She’s now on probation for a year with strict orders not to drink.
She continues drinking anyway.
Her car has new dents every few weeks.
She recently hit someone’s parked car while drunk, and the owner chose not to involve police.
She started messaging the woman her ex is dating.
The messages were cruel, explicit, and designed solely to hurt both of them.
Then everything came to a head this past weekend.
At 9:30 Sunday morning she asked our group chat if anyone wanted to meet her at a bar.
We all declined.
She went anyway.
Throughout the day she’d send messages implying she wanted to kill herself, then immediately unsend them.
Unfortunately, unsending doesn’t erase notification previews.
We all saw them.
That evening her ex called me almost in tears.
She was cycling through:
“I love you.”
“I just want you to hold me.”
“Why won’t you answer?”
“I can’t do this anymore.”
“Tell the kids I love them.”
Then repeating it over and over.
Finally she texted that she was going to take 18 sleeping pills.
We advised him to call for a welfare check.
Instead he called 911.
She was placed on an involuntary psychiatric hold.
She was furious.
During all of this I spoke with her mother.
The next day I sent her a very honest message explaining everything we’d witnessed over the past year: the drinking, the lies, the escalation, the suicidal messages, and the fact that people in our community had started noticing something was seriously wrong.
Her mom thanked me.
She said I’d confirmed what she’d been afraid of.
Unfortunately, M managed to get herself released in about 24 hours by convincing someone that her ex had done this out of spite.
She called me immediately afterward.
I answered every question honestly.
She insisted it was all a misunderstanding.
That her ex had set her up.
I reminded her that WE had also seen the suicidal messages.
She immediately changed the subject.
So now we’re here.
She doesn’t think she has a drinking problem.
She blames everyone else.
She refuses therapy because, according to her, therapists always tell her she’s “already self-aware.”
I don’t believe that’s actually what’s happening.
Our friend group knows everything now.
We’ve spoken with her ex.
We’ve spoken with her mom.
We’ve all compared notes.
The only person who still thinks she’s successfully hiding everything…is her.
One of my friends thinks we should never tell her we know the full story because she’ll completely shut us out.
I think honesty has always been the foundation of our friendship, and hiding what we know feels wrong.
But I’m terrified that if we confront her, she’ll isolate herself even more.
I’m not asking how to force someone into sobriety.
I know we can’t.
I’m asking what the right move is for those of us who love her.
Do we let her keep lying because it keeps us close enough to make sure she’s alive?
Or do we finally tell her we know everything and risk losing her completely?
I don’t want to abandon her.
I also don’t want to become someone who’s unknowingly enabling her.
Has anyone been through something like this? What actually helped…and what made things worse?

Throwaway account to keep things on the DL as much as possible, but really needing support. Hoping this is the right place to post.

I (37F) have been with my partner (42M) for over 7 years, living together for nearly 5. No kids, just pets. We have a solid relationship, we each own a rental property respectively, and have many common interests (biking, dining out, hiking, etc.) Some differences between us are that I am very outgoing, social, career focused, and am the breadwinner of our family. He is more introverted, does better in smaller groups, works hard but isn't deeply invested in his work like I am, and also isn't as motivated/driven as I am. To me, none of these variances are dealbreakers in any way; however, he often brings up how "different" we are.

That brings me to why I'm here. We both enjoy various drinks, and for the majority of our relationship partake socially. There would be the occasional time where someone would be drunk, but nothing unmanageable or harmful (uber home, etc.), and largely we have had fun memories around going out and drinking socially and responsibly. I still tend to largely drink occasionally and socially, but always responsibly. Over the last 3ish years, my partner has turned to drinking more and more at home, often having 3-4+ drinks over the course of a night, often just liquor over ice. All in all not too crazy at first, but there have been progressively worsening days/weeks/months where it goes beyond that and he becomes a completely different person. He gets angry at the drop of a hat, screams and yells at me (with no memory the next day), has threatened to harm me and himself, has even gone on rampages in our home where he has punched/broken windows and doors, harming himself in the process before passing out drunk in bed. I have called the police twice, and they came to our home to do a wellness check on him while he was naked, slurring beyond comprehension, and threatening to kill himself. HORRIFIC and traumatizing beyond anything I've ever experienced. I've also called 988 more times than I can count when these episodes happen to make sure I have the resources to assist him when he is threatening to hurt himself. He also reeks of alcohol constantly, particularly his breath - which is a HUGE turnoff to me, and has impacted our sex life negatively because I don't want to be participating in that while he is a) inebriated and reeking of booze and b) beyond levels of comprehension...that this has lead to him asking if we can "explore an open relationship" or if he can "hire a hooker" or "have a hall pass" to have that part of his life fulfilled again. Gut punch, and soul crushing for me.

In all other ways, we have a super solid relationship (beyond what this post may suggest) and I genuinely thought/maybe still think I would marry this guy. I've been having horrendous doubts over the past few months and have sunk into such a deep depression over this that I feel completely hollow and so unlike myself. We have had several conversations about this topic, more frequently than not, and he promises to change and get it under control. We had a really long conversation this weekend - we hashed out a lot of things, and he promised to pursue therapy and tone down on drinking and do more of the things we loved together. It was very emotional for me and difficult to do, but I felt like THIS time it would really make a difference. I also communicated that I'm pretty much to a breaking point and will pursue other living options and likely a breakup if this continues. Just when I thought things were good, we went to a local event last night and he was drunk beyond comprehension, slurring, yelling that the event sucked (he said he was joking, but it was SO loud when he said it!), and then pushed me away when I said I wanted to get an Uber home. I had a ride coming for us and when it was about 5 minutes away, he pushed me away and said I was ruining his life and ran off. WTF! I got home safely, left the front door unlocked, left a snack, Gatorade, and Tylenol on the counter for him and got into bed in our spare room. I heard him arrive home about 45 minutes later, stumbling, and drunk. This morning he left without saying goodbye, but texted about 3 hours ago saying he was sorry for last night and didn't remember anything that happened. I am absolutely crushed, broken, embarrassed, and hurt.

I honestly have no idea what I should/could do (if anything) to get him help and support, and at this point if staying is the right thing to do. I'm gutted to even say that, but I feel like I'm at a loss to think of anything else. I do feel that if he WANTED to and was READY TO get help he could make incredible progress and beat this addiction, but would genuinely appreciate any insights, encouragements, or wisdom ya'll could share. Means the world.

TLDR; my boyfriend's drinking is out of control and I'm not sure what to do.