hi! i have never actually posted on reddit before but something weird happened between me and boyfriend last night. he’s never hit me or beaten me. we have play fought before but it’s never gone far but, im also not the biggest fan of it. but last night he was just giving me small k!sses all over my face for a couple of minutes and then out of nowhere he lightly starts ch0k!ng me. i don’t exactly remember what i felt in the moment i just remember feeling weird, uncomfortable and a bit scared. i told him to chill and he didn’t stop until i asked him again. he then looked at me and asked me if i was alright. the combination of the feelings i was feeling and the situation and the look in his eyes made me start to cry and i explained to him i didn’t like “playing” like that. i just automatically assumed he was playing but i became anxious and scared of the idea that he wasn’t. we later took a car ride and it was silent. and when we got home and took a shower, he then apologized for always “making me upset” and doing things that “made me upset.” i accepted his apology and moved on but deep down, i wish we talked about what happened because it was weird and it felt serious but i took it as a joke because it was light and I don’t have any bru!s3s.

I got choked, dragged, and slapped so hard it took me minutes to try to recollect myself. My boyfriend got mad at me for not wanting to speak and closing the bedroom door on him. I’ve had a temporary restraining order on him the last month. However I’m just an idiot who allowed myself to be manipulated and never extended the restraining order.
I’ve called 911 twice today. They did not show up. I escaped the house with my dog and my emergency stash bag if things did get worse. It’s been 4 hours since my last two calls to 911 asking for help. I live in a high crime rate area but this is disheartening and it’s really driving me to the edge.
I’m really sorry but I’m just posting to vent. I’m now hitting hour 5 and no cop has showed up to meet me where I’ve escaped too for now so I suppose I will be sleeping in the car with my dog.
I contemplated giving up. I don’t have the fight in my anymore when there’s no hope left for me to get help.

​

I had trust issues because of his past, but I still gave him a chance because I genuinely loved him and wanted a future with him. I wanted to marry him someday and thought he was serious about me.

I decided to test his loyalty, and he failed. 💔 I don't want to share personal details, but what happened was enough for me to lose my trust in him.

He'll probably text me tomorrow like nothing happened, but I've already decided to end this relationship. I don't want advice on whether I should leave him because my decision is made.

I just need to know how to move on from someone I genuinely thought I'd marry.

Honestly it seems like I am not able to do anything for myself anymore?!

I mean, apparently I’m not able to do TikTok’s anymore without him, I’m not even able to be creative on my own.

He literally has to INVOLVE himself in everything! I mean everything.

Nothing can no longer be “my thing” or “my dream” no, he now has to have the same dream as me. He tells me it’s not a competition but that’s exactly what it has been with him.

He tells me that it’s not a competition, and yet tells me he’s gonna do this and that and be “BETTER” than me or anyone.

And I am so tired of it. Like I literally can’t do anything anymore.

One of the most painful things is having to carry all your pain alone while the person who contributed to it seems to be living their life as if nothing happened. I spend my days feeling angry, sad, disappointed, and anxious about my future, while he can comfortably sit at home, play video games, and enjoy his own world. It makes me realize how one-sided all this pain feels. I once dreamed of building a happy life together, supporting each other, and achieving our dreams. Now, I have to calculate my debts, savings, and the cost of moving out just to find some peace of my own. What exhausts me the most is not only what has happened, but the feeling that I am the only one carrying the consequences. While he continues living his life, I am grieving the life I thought I would have and trying to rebuild a future for myself.

I’m genuinely asking because I feel like nobody talks enough about how much a psychologically abusive relationship can change you as a person.

I’ve been through what feels like three separate ego deaths, struggled with eating disorders and depression, gained weight, and completely lost my ability to imagine being intimate with someone again.

One of the worst parts is that my ex constantly body-shamed me throughout our relationship. And here’s the thing: I was literally underweight when we were together. I wasn’t fat. Not even remotely. Yet somehow, this person managed to convince me that there was something fundamentally wrong with my body, to the point where I developed serious issues with eating and my appearance.

Now, whenever I look at pictures of myself from that period, I quite literally want to die. Not because of how I looked, but because I can see someone who was already so thin and yet genuinely believed they weren’t small enough. It makes me sick to realize just how much power I gave this person over me, how deeply I internalized their words, and how much of myself I lost in the process.

I look at those pictures and wonder how someone could make me hate myself so much when there was absolutely nothing wrong with me to begin with.

And the worst part is that I’m still living with the consequences. My relationship with my body is completely different now. I’ve gained weight, my self-esteem has taken a massive hit, and I struggle to imagine ever feeling comfortable being vulnerable with another person again.

And I don’t just mean physically. I mean emotionally, too. The thought of letting someone know me that intimately, giving them access to my insecurities, trusting them enough to be completely myself around them, feels almost impossible.

Meanwhile, the person who hurt me is apparently out there living their best life and getting into new relationships, while I’m still trying to put myself back together.

And before anyone suggests that I stop checking up on them, I don’t. I genuinely don’t want to know anything about this person anymore. I’ve deliberately avoided updates, and I’ve explicitly told my friends that I don’t want to hear about them. Unfortunately, a friend told me about their new relationship anyway, so now I have information I never wanted in the first place.

The frustrating part is that I don’t even want this person back. I don’t want to reconnect, I don’t want to know what they’re doing, and I don’t want them in my life. Everything related to them is triggering, and I just want to exist without being reminded of that chapter of my life.

But hearing that they’ve moved on while I’ve been dealing with the psychological consequences of what happened really messed with my head.

It feels incredibly unfair that someone can have such a devastating impact on another person’s mental health and seemingly continue living their life without consequences.

And I know that what someone shows on the outside doesn’t necessarily reflect how they’re actually doing. I know healing isn’t a competition. Intellectually, I understand all of that.

But emotionally? It’s exhausting.

I feel like the relationship didn’t just hurt me. It fundamentally changed my relationship with myself, my body, and other people. Sometimes I genuinely wonder whether I’ll ever be able to see myself without hearing the things this person used to say about me.

I miss being able to imagine falling in love without feeling terrified of what that might cost me. I miss feeling comfortable in my own skin. I miss the version of myself who hadn’t yet learned to hate things about herself because someone else repeatedly pointed them out.

How do you stop hearing the horrible things someone said about your body, even after they’re no longer around? How do you become comfortable with intimacy again? How do you stop comparing your recovery to someone else’s apparent happiness?

For those of you who have been through something similar, did you ever genuinely feel like yourself again?

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve actually experienced this, because right now I just want to feel like a normal person again.

Please don’t speculate about my ex’s current relationship or whether they’ll ever face consequences. I really don’t want to know anything else about this person. I’m looking for advice about healing, not about them.

Hello! I am 26(M) and my girlfriend is 23(F). We’ve just started dating again about a month ago after we broke up a few months ago. We broke up as I caught her flirting with other men when we were out together, and she was still going to her exs house and spending the whole day there. She asked me about hanging out with him, though didn’t know the extent of how they’d hang out for so long, at his house too. Though she says nothing happened, and I believed her, she is outwardly very principled on people who cheat and so on.

Now we’ve got back together, she has hit me twice. They’ve both been during times where we’ve been playing a game and she’s been losing, and she’s punched me in the stomach. The first time it happened, I said I don’t like it and that can’t happen again. We usually do little playful slaps on the arm when we are making jokes about each other like if somebody messes up a sentence and we joke about it, though nothing beyond being playful which we both do. She initially played the punch off as her joking, but it was much harder and was followed by really aggressive and angry language, which never happened before. It scared me and I froze up. I’m much bigger than her so it didn’t hurt, but it really hurt me emotionally?

The second time she hit me, I really put up a wall again. She hits me and gets seriously angry in her tone, she seems to switch? Like her facial expression drops, the tone of her voice seems so angry, and it just scares me. To the point of me feeling frozen and unable to do anything. I felt unable to say what the fuck are you doing? It’s just felt so disrespectful especially when I’d already set the boundary of how that can’t happen again? She again insisted it was a joke and she would do it with anybody, though I’ve never seen her playfully hit another person, never talk to anybody in that way, it just seems to be me?

We have a lot of mutual friends and it seems to be a running joke that she’s the angry one, that she’s the one full of rage and so on in the way she talks, but she never takes it out on anybody, she seems to feel fine taking it out on me?

What do I do about this?

My ex broke up with me almost two months ago after admitting he’d lied throughout our relationship. Now I’m left dealing with the financial and emotional fallout alone.
We were denied an apartment because he owed money to a previous residence. They offered to approve me alone, provided he wouldn’t live there or visit, but I felt guilty abandoning our plan to live together. I found another place, got approved, and arranged to add him, but he never signed the lease.
I paid the holding fee, deposit, furniture, internet, and utilities. Now he refuses to contribute or help find someone to take over the lease, even though he lives 20 minutes away. I’ve moved three hours away to be with family because the anxiety was overwhelming. Between the financial stress and having no car or reliable transportation to class, I also had to drop out of school, which I’d been so excited about.
I sacrificed so much for him. When we lived together, I was always home when he got back, making sure the apartment was clean and his food was taken care of. I put so much of my life aside to take care of him.
Meanwhile, there were multiple incidents of him yelling at me in public. One evening, a random family stepped between us and called him out for how he was treating me, they told him to “stop abusing me”After they left, he threw his things at me and threatened to leave me alone in the city at night. I ended up calming him down and ordering us an Uber.
Most recently, I received my school refund check which I think his mom sent it after taking three weeks to do so, I think he is too lazy and ashamed to do anything for me. Like dude I need that money like come on!
He’s blocked me everywhere while I’m left handling the bills, apartment, and disruption to my education. There’s so much I’m leaving out, but it’s been incredibly hard to process how someone I gave so much to could treat me this way. I just needed to get it off my chest.

I'm 23F and currently going through a divorce after almost three years of marriage. It's been nearly six months since everything fell apart, and I'm hoping to hear from people who have experienced something similar and eventually found peace.

My husband was active-duty military, and I moved across the country to build a life with him. I loved him and genuinely wanted our marriage to work, even when things became unhealthy.

He struggled with severe alcoholism, and I spent much of our marriage cleaning up after him and dealing with the consequences of his drinking. He would repeatedly wet our bed while intoxicated, sometimes soaking my clothes and clean bedding as well. I would wake up in it and end up being responsible for cleaning everything. Even when he promised to handle it himself, he often left it for me.

I also took care of most of the cooking, laundry, and household responsibilities. I wanted to be a supportive wife, but looking back, I feel like I was taking care of someone who rarely showed me the same consideration.

Earlier this year, I attended a four-day music festival with my childhood best friend. My husband was originally supposed to attend but said military obligations might prevent him from going. I asked whether he was comfortable with me going without him, and he encouraged me to go.

I later discovered that he had been cheating on me while I was away.

What hurts is that I came home completely unaware, continued cooking for him every day, and went about our normal routine while he knew what he'd done.

A short time later, I noticed something suspicious through our shared location and drove to where he was. I found him sitting in his truck with the other woman.

Before I arrived, he'd acted like I was crazy for questioning him. When I confronted him, instead of apologizing, one of the first things he said was, "You always treat me like shit."

I couldn't believe it. I had spent so much time trying to take care of him, and somehow he was blaming me for discovering his infidelity.

That night, the confrontation escalated into physical violence. I later reported the assault, and a military protective order was issued.

In the days afterward, he continued deflecting and blaming me. Sometimes he would tell me I wasn't leaving, and other times he'd tell me to leave and accuse me of using him.

At the time, I was financially dependent on him because he'd encouraged me to stop working and attend college full-time. I was pursuing my education because I wanted us to have a better financial future together.

He would also accuse me of being unfaithful when I attended classes, even though I barely socialized with anyone.

I think one of the hardest parts was how little genuine remorse he seemed to show.

I remember him saying, "We can make this work," but he never seemed to fully acknowledge what he'd done or how much he'd hurt me.

I stayed as long as I did because I was young, scared of divorce, and genuinely believed we could eventually have a happy marriage. I didn't know how to start over, especially without a job or financial independence.

Eventually, I moved back across the country to live with my family.

Now I'm trying to rebuild my life.

I'm working again, saving money, and continuing college. I'm completing my prerequisites for a healthcare program and working toward a career that will allow me to support myself independently.

Academically, I've been doing really well, and I have goals that genuinely excite me.

But emotionally, I'm still struggling sometimes.

I feel relieved to be out of that environment, but I also feel angry about everything I tolerated. I think about how much effort I put into the marriage and how quickly he betrayed my trust.

I also struggle with the lack of closure. I know I shouldn't need an apology to move forward, but part of me still wishes he had genuinely acknowledged what he did and shown that our marriage meant something to him.

Sometimes I miss the future I thought we would have, even though I know I don't want to return to the relationship we actually had.

I've also found myself wanting to experience a healthy relationship someday. I want to know what it feels like to be loved by someone kind, patient, respectful, and emotionally mature.

But before that, I want to enjoy being young, make friends, finish school, travel, and become happy with my own life again.

For anyone who has left an alcoholic or abusive marriage, I'd really appreciate your advice.

How long did it take before you stopped feeling angry or thinking about your ex so often?

How did you let go of wanting an apology or acknowledgment from someone who hurt you?

Did you struggle with feeling behind in life after moving back in with family?

And for those who are a few years further along, what does your life look like now? Were you eventually able to find peace, happiness, or a healthier relationship?

I'm only 23, and I know I have so much life ahead of me. I'm proud of the progress I've made, but some days are still difficult.

I'd really love to hear from people who understand what it's like to start over.

Thank you for reading.

I had posted about a month ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/cheating_stories/comments/1vdihzu/gf_cheats_on_me_with_someone_she_had_met_three/

but the main points are :

• My ex had anger issues. She got pissed off that I wasn't playing / interacting with her kids (5 months into the relationship). this was during a crisis period for me - house flooded, father died in sept, hand needed surgery etc. she didn't give AF

• She then started to give me ultimatums - start playing with the kids or I'm leaving. Also, I had to get a therapist, which I needed, but my life was utter chaos due to the flood and need for surgery + working 10 hour days trying to fix the house.

• I couldn't cancel plans - she would get angry / silent treatment. So she would show up at my place 5x a week sometimes. I had very little control of my scheudle. She booked a trip without confirming and I asked to cancel due to my hand injury. She wouldn't cancel. ended up going on a trip in severe pain , afraid to tell her I wanted to go home. The pain was so bad that I couldn't shower or even go into the cold air.

• she would bombard my inbox with messages, messenger, text, insta. one message very 20 mins or so for a year. the reason I knew she cheated was that the texts stopped for an evening.

• she was taking gifts from me and my family days until the cheating.

• she came back to my house post cheating and offered to let me fuck others as payback or whatever. I was revolted.

• Post cheating she came back to my place and agreed we should get married.

• I was walking on eggshells constantly. Worried that I'd piss her off if I contradicted her or if I voiced my concerns. At first the yelling wasn't frequent. The last two weeks of the relaitonshp she yelled 3x 4x at me.

• I knew she made a date at the end of the relationship. She yelled at me claiming it wasn't a date. She then cheated on me and claimed it "just happened"

• She yelled at me because I wouldn't let her sleep over - she snored and I would be utterly sleep deprived. I lost a toenail once because of this. Blood everywhere - was stumbling around from sleep deprevation. This was the first time I stood up to her and I voiced my concerns about the lack of sleep. She didn't give a fuck and yelled at me.

• I asked to have seperate rooms in that last trip and she got angry. she was insistant we sleep in the same bed - she would get angry if she felt rejected (ie me sleeping in a different bed)

• Towards the end she told me that she was going to fuck this woman and I had to suck it up. She gave me a two week countdown. This has really fucked with my sexuality going forward. It felt.... like an assault. the other woman was extremely permiscous and was involved in various high risk activities.

• Post breakup, I emailed her and told her she was emotionally abusive. She got pissed and threatened me with a false accusation. That's my last contact with her (august).

There were other issues as well.

Since then, I've basically had a 3 month mental breakdown. July was horrible. I couldn't sleep. Maybe 2 hours a night, but it didn't matter, it felt like I was on a massive dose of stimulants/steriods or something. I would walk 25k steps daily and work out 5-7 hours until I collapsed. I was in a constant state of panic and flashbacks. Eventually, the flashbacks would show up at 3AM every night. That's when I'd wake up and start running.

Recently, as in the past two weeks, I started using a cold tub + hot tub. It seems to have helped a bit. I'm sleeping a bit better.

However, I can't stop repeating the story. I can't stop telling people around me what happened. I can't stop ruminating. Some of this sure sounds like PTSD, but I also wonder if it's OCD as well. Does it matter?

Anyway, I have been completely taken over by thoughts of what happened. Anger from not being able to fight back. A desire to write her another letter telling her the damaged she caused (I'm not going to, but fantasize about it).

Furthermore, I have rejected any notion that this was abusive. Why? I'm not sure. Re-reading what I just wrote, it seems pretty obvious. Was it the worst case? No. but as I've learned and read from others, it doesn't matter. Abuse is abuse. yet I still strugal with the idea it was abuse. Crazy.

And perhaps even more crazymaking, I deeply, deeply long and miss this person. I felt like this was a once in a lifetime match. She was my soulmate. We were both on the spectrum. Some have called it "limerance"?. And it may be. Nonetheless, all I can do is think about her. No matter how many negatives I can come up with, I'd take her back in the blink of an eye.

Some have said, I'm simply waiting for her to come back and fix this mess. She would often cause a problem (sleep deprevation) and then come fix it (she took care of my foot that night when I smashed it)... This up and down cycle fucked my nervous system and perhpas that's why the cold tub has helped a bit.

Nonetheless, I look at myself and I think.... are you fucking nuts.... re-read what you just wrote. She was a monster at times. It doesn't matter how similar you were with movies, music or tv or whatever. She was awful... Yet I can't shake it. And I have no idea if it's OCD or PTSD or if I really just do miss her. Maybe it's all of the above? I stayed and took all of this BS for a reason, i did love her..

I'm confused. I don't get it. I want to forget all of it. the other woman, my ex, all of it. She's still hurting me months later.

Short and sweet how does one open up to others when after they’ve had a narc sister for so long? It’s hard to see yourself but my boyfriend says I come off as shy which I find to be true with new people, this only came after 10 years of my sister being a cunt to me and never really knowing how to stick up for myself. Anyway spare you the drama, I want to communicate and connect with others but I’m afraid to be seen at times, and think people don’t like me at times so I don’t keep trying to talk with them and also included I have some bpd so my emotions and thoughts can be intense when I’m talking to people, I take the blame for a conversation not going super well etc.

Some of this is in my head because my mom didn’t even know I had anxiety and my bf says I overthink when I talk to people. I just don’t feel like I connect with people often which makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. Small talk is difficult as I get bored sometimes and stop listening.

Have any of you on an abusive relationship ever gotten back with your partner and things have actually improved/never went bad again? If they did counselling, worked on themselves, etc. I am curious if there are positive stories such as these. I feel like you would never be able to ask someone in person as they would likely lie to avoid shame.

context:

-I've been with my partner for 8 years.

-On all fronts we're a supportive team navigating life, the downside is he's emotionally abusive.

-I just finished grad school, the market is tough, I keep getting ghosted/rejected, I rely on him financially.

-I don't have family, nope, none, zip.

-I don't have close friends (no, not because of him, because life got in the way of my closest friendships, then I realized I prefer to save my energy and not socialize. So, now, all my "friends" are more like acquaintances)

abuse:

-every few months during intense stress in his life he lashes out on me. Instead of looking inward, he reflects on me through criticizing me and throwing my biggest fears/insecurities at me. Yes, I've told him to stop. Yes, he's said he will. No, he hasn't actually stopped.

-for the most part im able to handle it calmly, but sometimes a person can only take so much. because im autistic, when pushed to my breaking point or triggered i have a meltdown. I pull my hair, I hit myself, cut myself, try to self soothe.

-for the past few instances spanning the past 2 years, that trigger is that im alone. He will throw in my face that i have no close friends or family, why family, friends, parents have all abandoned me. This is my trigger. This is what makes me self harm.

-I know he's right. My deepest fear is being unloved when I love so hard. That despite always caring for others, no one has ever actually emotionally cared for me. I've consoled friends, family, I've directed them to resources, I've checked in on them, more importantly I've listened when they just needed someone to care.

-This has been exceptionally hard recently because I feel trapped, I depend on him, out of everyone in my life he's the only one who hasn't left. But he's also the one who reminds me of how everyone else has.

-I know this is trauma bonding, he's the only one I have to comfort me even if he's the one inflicting the trigger.

-I know he doesn't care when I hurt myself. But I so desperately want someone to care. I just want to be consoled, hugged, loved. The logical adult I am knows to do this for myself, but the child within just wants to be cared for. Not by a stranger, but someone who sees me, as a person. But I don't have anyone, so all I can do is turn to you, the internet.

telling someone was therapeutic, thank you reddit strangers, even if you didn't read it all because i know it's a lot. i appreciate your presence.

I already had C-PTSD, Anxiety, Depression and ADHD diagnosis before this relationship. It lasted 10 months, she could yell at me, spit in my face and say to me , give me these cigs bitch; throw suitcases at me, almost threw the boiling water bowl at me, she demolished whole flat that I had to cover the costs of the damage to the landlord cos she was broke all time. I was paying for every shit, home, food, cigs, drugs, alcohol. She was a horrible alcoholic. I tried to help her with it but it was impossible, I started even putting 0% beers between her alco beer series. Nun worked out, I didn't wanted to buy her wodka she started yelling at tmw throwing shit around the flat. Saying that I don't love her that she would leave the house and go visit other city. Time to time she even disappeared for once, I went to grab cigs packs from petrol station. She was mad at me for not even me causing the problem but other person It has nun to do wit me. I was looking for her around neighborhood places where she could be. I texted her where ar eya she told me. I am not here anymore, bye. I found her on bus stop and she's been sitting there she said; um I wanted to drive somewhere. Always gaslighting, saying that I am mentally ill that I need help, projecting her faults to me. She one grabbed the belt in toilet and wrapped around her neck and told me ; look straight in to my eyes! I would do it and I would write the note that I died cos of u and that's only part of the story. She been sayin I earn too low money she wants her eyebrows done, she didn't respect that I pay for everything and I was buying her shit. I have been with her cos I loved the good part of her which was disappearing slowly through our relationship. Any advices how to speed up recovery process? I am waiting for Ptsd emdr therapy but how can I make it go easier. Any advices?

For reference I have hurt him a lot in the past unintentionally and its reduced his tolerance for conflict. We recently had a really rough argument bc i was missing him and communicated in an insecure way when we had to sleep. But the argument that followed has me questioning the relationship. I listed some behaviours below - not all are repeated, some are. I wanted to ask whether my boyfriend is abusive or not. This is my first relationship.

List;
- Saying things like shut up during conflict (one off)
- Low tolerance for my feelings bc ive hurt him in the past
- Talking to me like im a child (multiple times)
- Insulting my capability to have a healthy relationship
- Getting angry when I share my feelings about the way he communicates his hurt to me
- Verbally silencing me during conflict and giving me a lecture like I’m inferior
- Repeatedly bringing up a past thing I did to hurt him (feels like eternal punishment)
- Getting angry during conflict when I tell him to do something despite telling me what to do
- Strong language during conflict (you messed up)

At some point, he always did it when he stayed at my house. He mainly ruined my clothes (visibly enlarging them)

Has this happened to you too? I feel so stupid. I don't understand why he would do that.

We would get together in the morning to "cuddle" again and then he would leave my house

We would pretend to fall asleep at night while I actually feel asleep

I was isolated and then abused by the guy i was talking to then in a relationship with over a 2 year period. A few months ago before i fully cut contact i sent a message a huge paragraph saying exactly how i felt and his only response was “ik i made a mistake i wont do it again” and i just feel like i went through all that like i was some kind of experiment and i feel like i will look crazy if i speak out because the next girl will be treated better

Context: my boyfriend and I went out for drinks and he was so angry and trying to get into fights the whole time. We got back and he wouldn’t tell me what’s wrong and kept hiding under a blanket. I tried pulling it off of him and he hit me in the face, and then pushed me into a wall. I thought it was an accident so I kept trying and then he pushed me head first off of his bed and I have a goose egg and bruise. He’s drunk and swears he would never mean to hurt me and that it’s nothing but I feel sick.

I'm sorry if my post doesn't fit but I've been composing a list of things that I started remembering after my mom made me feel like a piece of shit because I didn't want to hang out with someone she introduced me to.

I just wanted to do some cathartic journaling. I understand that this is absolutely crazypants, but you are welcome to point out specifically how in the comments.

Background: After the 2016 presidential election results were announced, I felt a profound, crushing personal guilt for not giving up my job to campaign, agitate and organize. I deeply believed that I 1. could have affected the outcome if I'd dedicated myself to it and therefore 2. had failed future generations with my moral obligation to do so. I suspect this may be out of proportion, but I *knew* this, with certainty. It took me weeks to recover from the debilitating self-disgust I felt for failing... to personally alter the course of a US national election.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I'm having the same issue with my partner's emotional abuse.

I believe that if I'm simply a more effective manipulator, I could set up a system of interlocking imperatives and constraints where he has no option but to stop berrating and terrorizing me and become the partner I want. A former (abusive) partner described it as me trying to put my hand up his butt to work him like a puppet. Genuinely, I feel an overwhelming desire to control every aspect of his recovery.

Failing to install such a solution feels like it is indeed simply a negative review of my own intelligence and efficacy.

I both feel that I can prevent my partner from being abusive and also that I have a moral obligation to do so, since I clearly can't turn him lose out into the world when he's very, very obviously going to abuse again.

I get that you can't do someone else's recovery for them. I don't give a shit. He needs to fix this NOW and it is not fucking optional.

I think part of my challenge here is this: my mom is a lovely woman who is also a narcissist. I have to intentionally do some manipulative things to manage my relationship with her and to make it the relationship I want. I carefully currate our boundaries and the information she gets so that she does not have the power over my life that she is constantly trying to get her hands on.

My best friend is an ex who was abusive when we dated (dated for 3 years, overall friends for 10 including before and after). We now have boundaries that have created the relationship I want with him. To his credit, he's *not* a narcissist and has helped to maintain those boundaries.

To me, love has always been primarily about leaveraging power and circumstances so that a difficult, harmful person gives you what you want for the least pain. So it's not like this situation is new to me and should therefore *be easier*.

This to say, I know it can be done and it's really pissing me off that I haven't managed to get my current partner to stop being intentionally cruel to me, then defensive and reactive when I confront him about something he did that's clearly bullshit. This feels like an embarrassing failure on my part.

I want him to stop abusing me and all I can think about is how I can set up processes and controls to prevent it from happening. I'm kind of obsessed with it? And with cataloging and presenting examples of his disgusting behavior as illustrations of what he needs to change. Telling him in a calm tone about how childish a batshit unreasonable thing he said to me was is, weirdly, one of the most compelling parts of the relationship at this point. I think it's humiliating for him. Good. It better be. You should feel bad for mistreating me during sex, keeping me from my friends, and making fun of me for a developmental disability. I hope he feels like shit for the ways he's mistreated me so that he'll FUCKING STOP DOING IT.

My current goal is to prevent him from ever having a moment of peace. We are not in a happy relationship and I refuse to pretend anymore. I am constantly being tortured by the memories of things he's said/done and I don't know why he shouldn't be in that with me. He did this. I'm no longer interested in engaging in the honeymoon part of the cycle. It requires me to abandon myself and pretend to forget the abuse happened and I've lost the energy to pretend. He's complaining that I'm "ruining a good time" - it isn't. It isn't a good time for me because just yesterday you left the house in the middle of an argument and were gone for hours with no communication and ruined our evening plans. And now I'm supposed to be all lovey? Fucking pass.

The end of my rope happened when there was a really bad abusive incident back on 9/5 and since then I've had to start 2 new anxiety drugs, we've completely stopped having sex and I've unintentionally lost over 10lbs (I'm 5'8" and was 145). I'm sick every single day. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I got a blood test for something unrelated and it showed that I was chronically hperventilating, like all day every day because I am flat out panicked. All I want, all I can think about every waking moment, is to force him to stop abusing me. It's just *so stupid*. He could live his whole life exactly the same, minus his cruel childish outburts. It's ridiculous. It's insane.

I've been working to make his abuse so unpleasant for both of us that I don't see he could possibly keep doing this. It's in no ones best interest. If you say some piece of shit thing to me, we're going to end up talking about it for 3 hours until you apologize, which you will hate, so whyyyyyyyyy. Why do this. Why drastically inconvenience both of us. I catalogue every event and then remind him about them later. If you don't want to hear about it, then great, you can simply stop doing it.

I suspect that he knows he's losing the verbal argument and is soon going to escalate to physical abuse because there's nothing left he can say to me. I'm smarter than he is and we both know it. He's admitted it. I've won the argument and my reward is probably that he's going to physically hurt me because he's being an unreasonable, childish, self-defeating moron. Honestly, my failure to control him makes me worry that I would be a bad parent, because somehow he's still getting away with doing whatever he wants and the incentive structures I've tried to set up haven't solved it.

Anyway, rant over. Idk why I'm like this but I'm so convinced I should be able to fix it and I'm frankly offended it's even this hard for me.

Hi everyone,
Healing from domestic violence is rarely a straight line. Often, just getting to "Day 1" of choosing yourself and your mental health takes an immense amount of strength. It can feel completely overwhelming to figure out what comes next when you are trying to rebuild your life, your boundaries, and your sense of self from the ground up.
Because of this, I wanted to create a dedicated space for survivors to process, heal, and slowly start to grow again at their own pace.
I’ve just released **Reclaim Your Path**, a supportive domestic violence workbook designed to guide you through that exact transition—from those heavy early days to a place of genuine, long-term healing.
**What’s inside the workbook:**
Guided prompts to help you unpack and process your experiences safely.
Actionable mental health exercises to rebuild self-esteem and rediscover who you are.
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A gentle, non-judgmental approach that reminds you it's okay to "bloom right where you start."
It is currently available in both **Paperback** and **Ebook** formats so you can choose whichever format feels most private and comfortable for your personal healing journey.
If you or someone you care about is currently walking this path, I truly hope this resource can serve as a gentle watering can for your mental health. You don't have to have it all figured out today—just starting is enough.

The link to check it out is available.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0HP387PBL?dplnkId=a495e177-93dc-4472-9dc0-46521b8b10e6&nodl=1

Thank you all for being such an incredibly supportive community.

I'm looking for honest opinions. My 18 month old son came home from his grandparents house on Thursday, where my mil was looking after him while my husband smoked shisha. The next morning, I noticed red marks on his back and inner arm (photos attached). I've never seen marks like these on him before.

My husband says he was playing a lot, but I tried squeezing my own skin with my fingernails and got similar-looking marks. My son was behaving normally.

I'm especially worried because my MIL was very toxic towards me during my first pregnancy and caused a major argument between my husband and me after our son was born.

I'm pregnant again, this time with a girl. My MIL has three sons and has always wanted a daughter, which makes me feel even more uneasy about the situation.

I don't want to accuse anyone without proof, but I can't stop wondering what happened.

Do these marks look like they could be from fingernails? Am I overthinking this, or would you be concerned too?

I'm planning to have a doctor examine him. I'd appreciate honest opinions.

Hello, this is my first post here. Sometimes i (20f) wonder if i’m overreacting or if my relationship was abusive, because i tend to talk myself into saying it wasn’t.

my experience was very short, around seven months but in those seven months my ex put me through a lot more than what i could manage. i think a lot of times when i hear about abuse in relationships it’s always years that it’s gone on for. he never did anything physical towards me until the end where he’d pull my hair, bite me, and hit me. but there were multiple time he’d get upset i was with my friends or stand over my shoulder while i spoke to them on the phone urging me to hang up. or how he’d call me out of my name almost every day, or tell me how i deserved to be slapped. sometimes he’d even keep me awake knowing i had class or lab in the morning because i refused to have sex with him. and he wouldn’t let me sleep until i gave in. one time i told him no and he left my apartment angrily while calling me out of my name and calling me slurs, while flipping me off before he came back 30 minutes later and proceeded to ask until i gave in again.

i will say, things started out good with him and then it was like one day a switch randomly flipped. when things were good they were really good and then it got bad and i felt like i was too invested by then to leave.

i wish i could recount ever thing i experienced in those seven months. it’s been a lot with him and i feel bad that i can’t recount most of it but my brain tends to block traumatic things out , which probably adds to why i question if it was even abuse. but overall a lot of what i went through was emotional and verbal.

also, when our relationship ended it was because he stole my things. my friends had gotten involved and after that i just knew i couldn’t keep seeing him. i found out after going no contact that he lied to me about his age. when we met he said he was 24, but i learned at the end he was really 34. maybe it’s my fault for not noticing that he looked older, but he was a heavy smoker and i just assumed that was what aged him. but if i had known his real age i would have never gone through a relationship with him. i genuinely feel disgusting with myself at times because of it. all of this could have been avoided too if i had known his real age.

I was born to parents who...

Ever since I was a kid, I would get hit and beaten up, especially by my mother, using various objects or even her bare hands. I always knew something was wrong, but whenever I complained to my grandma or uncles, they would blame me and say I was small-minded for hating that my mom hit me.

I was always hit for getting bad marks, or because teachers complained that I was shy and didn't speak much in class.

I remember once, when I was a kid, I was at the barber with my older brother and uncle. I finished getting my hair cut before my brother, and I asked my uncle if he would get me a Kinder Joy egg. I don't remember if he asked me first or if I asked him, but I went home happy. Once we got home and my mom found out what had happened, she threatened to beat the shit out of me after I finished showering. I remember shaking heavily and hugging my nanny begging her to take longer in the shower. My mom proceeded to beat me severely. I don't remember much after that, except apologizing to my uncle for asking him to get me the candy.

Ever since then, I've never asked anyone for food. Even as a kid, when I wanted candy or crisps or food in general, I would get my younger sister to ask my father for them instead. Looking back now, it explains a lot about me.

I was also repeatedly beaten by my mom for getting bad marks, being shy, or dozing off in class. The thing is, she only made everything worse. I became even quieter and started dozing off even more in class. If I hadn't memorized whatever she wanted me to memorize within the time frame she gave me, she would beat the shit out of me.

It got even worse when other people, like my grandma, were around. Once, when I was a kid, I couldn't memorize something properly and kept forgetting it. My mom beat the hell out of me. Coincidentally, my grandma came over to our house for something, and my mom continued hitting me in front of her, scolding me to kingdom come. After I finished studying, she told me we were going to apologize to my grandma for her having to "see this sight."

None of those things really clicked for me back then.

Now, as a 20-year-old, whenever I express even the slightest discomfort or criticism of my mom, or sometimes show a preference for my dad, who also used to hit me, just nowhere near as much as my mom did, they ridicule me. They tell me that everyone gets hit, that my mom sacrificed everything for me, and that I don't deserve her.

It actually makes me feel guilty. I hate that I'm unable to love my mom. I see all these people who say they're willing to die for their moms, and I want to love mine too. But something inside me just can't. My older brother is out of the country, and my sister studies in a different city, but I am the only one still living with my parents, I can't bear sharing the house with her anymore.

I don't see her as a mother. As cliché as it sounds, I don't see her as a source of comfort or safety. She's a monster. That's all I see. I am still in her shackles, I can't seem to leave her and her abusive family behind. I hate her and resent her with all my heart.

I was just a kid.

Mine used to do this always. I’d try to de escalate, solve it, or just tell him for us to stop and talk about the issue later.

He’d just keep pushing and pushing until I explode. Even after I’d ask again and again for him to stop because I couldn’t handle it.

This one time I got so overwhelmed I started screaming and hitting myself. Then he shook me violently claiming he wanted to “get me back to my senses”.

Another time I had the same reaction, he pinned me to the bed and hit my head with his knee, then claimed it was an “accident”.

Edit: Wow I am shocked by the responses. Used to think of him as this mentally ill person but it seems they all do this deliberately to torture us!