I absolutely love my username!

I got it by accident. I asked for something else. I was told "no", "Would you like this username?" I was in a hurry to get online. I knew if I accepted the suggested username I get to be online immediately.

As I used my phone I noticed my username more and more.

Now I'm thrilled to have my username and aspire to live up to it!

When I moved I was super excited for things to be a fresh start, and for the most part I can't even complain. I have things pretty well for myself.

That being said, my recent circumstances within the past few days have left me feeling like I'm in a pit that I can't get out of.

I recently started a new job that I really enjoy, but it isn't paying quite what I expected/what they projected that I would earn. Aside from this, I have been increasingly anxious about even showing up; for hours leading up to when I get in the car, my body is shaking.

My cat had been acting strange for a few days, so I checked the places she liked to hide to see if she had vomited. One of those places was under the bed. While I didn't see vomit, I saw fiberglass on the mattress and floor. I haven't slept in 2 days.

As I was attempting to rest tonight after work, I hear my cat's food bowl scrape the floor. I see a rat. A giant, fucking rat. It ran under my dishwasher, which has been basically unsealed/broken since I moved in a few months back. So now when I call maintenance for the rat issue, I have no idea what they will even be able to do. I'm too scared to sleep now. I don't want my cat killing it, and there are no other rooms I can keep her in.

I'm so exhausted and I feel like things are falling apart so fast. I feel like I can't sleep until everything is fixed.

I hate ads.

I hate ads with a fucking passion. I did not really mind them before and I do not know what changed in me. But I am getting sick and tired of being constantly interrupted by the constant attempts to make me spend money I don't have on shit I don't need.

Not only that, but the ads constantly repeat. Half of them are the lowest effort possible, i.e. making AI write a script and having a random person on Fiverr read it while looking straight into the camera. At least the Preply ads are somewhat interesting and don't make me scratch my ears out.

I have been a huge proponent of consuming media online. I literally stopped watching TV over it. Now? I am seriously considering getting rid of all my streaming services and just going back to living in the woods and plonking my music out of a lute or some shit.

I don’t know what flair to use on this. So here it goes…

My 18yr old daughter started entertaining a 35yr old man. I’m 37. I can’t handle this. It’s going to destroy our relationship. My daughter’s father was 9yrs older than me. I had my daughter at 19. This man is 17yrs older than her and basically my age! This is devastating news for me, I want her to date someone her own age. I feel unsettled and frozen inside. Like I’m trying to find my footing to plan my next move. But on the surface of my skin, heart and chest like goosebumps I feel the urge to scream or cry to cope with how this is making me feel. But instead nothing comes out and I just feel very very nervous/anxious. I have this horrible feeling our relationship will survive this. It’s eating me up inside.

For many years now, i have been questioning my gender. (I'm amab)

But one of the things i've been experiencing lately is that i feel robbed.

I feel robbed of my childhood. I honestly had to hide a lot of what i was feeling. And what i wanted to actually play with and such. I put on a mask as best as i could.

I feel robbed of my identity. Even now as a adult, i feel like i have to put on a mask. And put on a BIG show. I often dress in comfortable male clothes (gym shorts and plain white t-shirt), not because i want to, but its because i fit in without being judged. As for personality, i put on a fake male personality, even though i know deep down, its not who i am.

And feel robbed at life. I was born in a state that doesn't allow me to explore myself (still live in). And born with parents who don't either.(forced to live with them because of the insane job market, economy, and me being sick (non-epileptic seizures)

Just feels like life just said f*ck you, you are on your own.

And it feels like crap

And tbh, idk how much longer i can actually deal with this. I'm hanging on by a thread and fading

I’m a 18M and have never experienced a real relationship, and it’s gotten to the point where I feel like all my effort has been sapped from me.

I’ve never had experience for a long time in my life having anyone interested in me. I was fat all my life up until Sophomore year of high school where I was the happiest I had ever been in my life, traveling with friends, in the best health I had been in yet, and felt happy about my future. Near the end of my sophomore year my acne had gotten horrible and I started to gain that weight back that I lost. Also around this time a girl from my school told a friend of hers she was interested in me and so after getting introduced we started talking. It was the first time I had someone express any kind of interest in me so I was feeling nervous, excited, happy, all of it. We had spent three months hanging out and going on some dates. Around Christmas we were hanging out and I tried to take a chance and make a move with her, and before I left I gave her a small kiss. After I left we were texting for a little, planning when we would see each other again when I texted her I loved her. She didn’t appreciate it and told me that it was way too soon and explained to me that saying things like that can make girls scared or uncomfortable. I felt extremely embarrassed at this point and turned off my phone for the rest of the day and the next day, not responding to anyone. Eventually after I turned my phone back on I glossed over our chat and noticed she hadn’t texted me the whole time my phone was off. So I wrote out a long message to her, telling her I was sorry if I had made her uncomfortable or if I scared her with what I said, that I was just really happy being around her and maybe love wasn’t the right word yet. She never ended up replying and ghosted me. Even if we weren’t officially dating it killed me inside feeling like I ruined something with someone I genuinely cared so much about.

Since that moment I’ve had a tough time opening up with anyone, since I’m afraid that if I don’t think every word through carefully or if get too open and say the wrong thing then something like that would happen again. With that I got really depressed,
started eating again and not caring about my health and letting school slip to the point where I was failing. It took me a long time to get over what happened, and it wasn’t until graduation where I tried to change for the better. I grew the mindset that what happened with her was because I wasn’t good enough, whether it was looks, ambition, accomplishments, so I spent my whole summer improving myself. I worked my ass off at my summer job, lost about 50 pounds in three months, and took multiple summer classes to get ahead for college.

Now that I’ve spent a couple of months here at college the disheartening fact for me is that it feels the exact same. I built up college hoping that maybe with how hard I had worked myself up that maybe someone would notice or people would be more interested in me but it never happened. I tried approaching a few girls at parties where they all kinds brushed me off. But eventually at a party my fraternity was hosting I was talking with this girl with a group of my friends before they left and it was me and her. We talked for a couple of hours and it felt nice talking to her, so we exchanged information. We started to hang out for a couple of weeks where she seemed interested in me where she would touch my arm or hold my hand when we walked, and I thought maybe I was wrong. Slowly her responses over text would start to get dry and sensing that I made the decision I wasn’t going to try to force chemistry with her, hoping that she wouldn’t be as dry or that she would initiate something again, but it just fizzled out and she stopped texting me entirely, completely ignoring me when she saw me on campus. A couple days of complete silence later I went to a party where I saw her, dancing and having fun with another guy already and seeing her kiss him.

The point that I’m at now is that I feel so sapped of energy. It feels like a cycle for me where I really do crave to share with someone a real romantic relationship, but every-time I try to push myself to go talk to someone who interests me it doesn’t end well. Thinking about this doesn’t make me feel like crying anymore, I just feel demoralized, dead, where I just want to find the nearest quiet room and sit down and stare at a wall for 20 minutes. It feels like I’m in a hole where theres no way out, so I give up.

she’s doing amazing. Her sister is an “influencer” with like 100k on tik tok. She goes to an affluent school, and is in a sorority. She is generationally wealthy. Every time I hear about her, she’s on some trip in a tropical paradise. Meanwhile I’m where I am: stuck. Unaware of where or even if these images are still out there. Who she sent them to, etc etc…

We were both just little girls. 10, and 11. I struggle to comprehend how someone could be so evil yet so young. She had a history of bullying like this too. I was the victim of her so many times even before. I just wish it would all go away.

First time posting here but sometimes writing things down helps me cope.

A few days ago I was chatting with my eldest son (11) and the subject turned to when I spent three months travelling about 15 years ago. I told him I'd dig out a specific photo of me on a glacier face in New Zealand.

However, when I went to find my photos on my computer, the folder wasn't there, nor was it on the backup drive I was certain I'd copied it to.

I can't remember when I last accessed the photos but I'm pretty sure it was in the last couple of years, and I backed them up around 2019.

I've tried deep searches, file recovery apps, and just about everything I can think of, including digging out old hard drives and SD cards I knew they weren't on.

I estimate I've lost about 3000 photos in total. Forever. And I am absolutely devastated, not least because I know my kids would love to see them.

Yesterday I was in Cabo Branco, in Paraíba, a wonderful house, ninth floor with a view of the beach while in the pool, I called my friend from the training course who was with her girlfriend hidden as a friend at her parents' house, to see if I could have fun with my friend. It wasn't possible because her father probably suspects that his daughter is a lesbian. I feel alone even though I have friends and want to help them; today I realize that I only wanted to see them happy to empty my own sadness, like a charity that inflates the donor's ego more than it effectively helps the one in need.

I’m in senior high in the Philippines and we have this annual intramurals or sports fest. I never played again after 8th grade when I realized it was competitive and not for fun. I don’t want to play and a lot of students don’t want to play because there was always an option to not join, until one of our teachers decided to give “plus points” to whoever joined the intrams for our projects. Like what the f*ck? Then our class president decided to force everyone to panic join any sport, first come first serve, she said. Then those who didn’t pick a sport because they really don’t want to or don’t know anything were put on the spot.

I don’t know how to swim because I almost drowned as a kid, I don’t play the video games chosen for the intrams because I wasn’t allowed to play them. I don’t know any other sports, not even chess or table tennis (because I suck), and most of us were busy. I was forced to join a mobile game instead because the only options left were swimming or Call of Duty. Like hell I wanted myself to die before college so I just chose COD, hopefully I don’t play anything. I don’t want to play, I could’ve just watched from the side but they didn’t want an empty intramurals. Half of us don’t want to play so STOP FORCING IT!!!!!!

I don’t know what to do. Exams are coming next week and after that is intrams. I want to make a special request to my adviser to keep me out of the games because I don’t want to stress myself trying to learn a new game I don’t even want to play. I was forced by the teacher (indirectly) and my class president (who said “So what do you want me to do if you don’t know anything?”) I DONT WANT TO EMBARRASS MYSELF THATS WHAT!

EVERYTHING is harder!

Can openers

Scissors

Writing with a pen

Coffee cups are always backwards

Measuring cups.. also always backwar

Opening cabinets and fridge doors without knocking yourself out

More likely to die while operating heavy machinery

I'm sick of it! The straw that broke the camels back is I'm teaching myself how to crochet and it's SO HARD to learn a new thing when you have to mirror it instead of just copying!

I'm sick of right handed people being so spoiled. Can we sell left handed products for once? I NEED to see a righty use a pair of left handed scissors!

I have almost nothing, not of value, not of anything. Maybe not even a family that ACTUALLY cares about me. Meanwhile I get to see every one of my friends around me sail through life with ease, and a family that loves them. EVERYTHING feels contingent on "how I perform" in life for lack of a better term. My 58 YO Gen X dad fought tooth and nail to stop me from coming back when I was homeless and living in my dying car. His reasoning? He GENUINELY thinks that there are "more resources for homeless people" and now that I am under his roof again "everything will be based on our income and I won't be able to pay for what you need, and you can't be on my insurance anymore because you're too old" I get what he is saying to an extent, but what I need is to NOT be homeless. The fact he would rather me be homeless to get free stuff almost makes me enraged. It's like he thinks those programs are guarantees.

This is on top of the fact that he constantly tells me I need mental help (I probably do) as I am severely depressed and probably also having level 1 autism, but on no medications of any kind due to having no healthcare. As well as comparing me to my 20 y.o little brother who's life is the polar opposite of mine (has a decent job, has a GF, has savings, has a nice car) because he isn't autistic like me and can deal with assholes in the world far easier than I can, which genuinely feels like an unfair superpower when someone else has it and you don't. I have no idea if my dad loves me. Sure, probably to some extent, but HOLY FUCK does he have a hard time showing it or having ANY empathy.. And he's the only one I have left..

He couldn't even be bothered to give me a hug after not seeing me in almost 2 years.. That alone almost fucking broke me.. On top of this. There is a perfectly good guest/spare bedroom that he could let me sleep in, instead I am relegated to the 2nd couch like a 2nd class citizen for some reason. I haven't even asked why because I already know the answer is just going to piss me the fuck off. I already knew when he started bringing up "well I could get you a job at my place if you had your diploma" WELL I'D HAVE MY DIPLOMA IF YOU DIDN'T KICK ME OUT THE SECOND I TURNED 18 OVER SOME BULLSHIT, So I had to DROP OUT OF SCHOOL and work FULL TIME to survive..

When I was homeless, I sold the only thing of value I really had for $1100 (my PC) because I had no choice as I was living out of my dying car in CT and had no income. (I am now back in FL where my dad is) I put in over 200 job applications and got TWO interviews the entire month I was in CT and no jobs offers. I knew some friends in CT which is why I went up there from PA after I became homeless, however circumstances changed and they were no longer able to offer me their couch to crash on unfortunately. So it's not like I didn't TRY to do it on my own.. Hell I've been trying to do it on my own for years! One of the first posts I ever made on this account was to here, venting about losing my long term GF after living in CO and going homeless there too.. Not to be an asshole to my brother but I have tried to do it on my own more than him, by his age I had already moved out the 1st time and was living in CA with my first ex because I wanted nothing more than to be out on my own. So for my dad to not give me credit for at least TRYING has always enraged me.

My grandmother recently passed about 2 weeks ago, my grandfather has been dead since 2020. My mom is a useless drug addict fuck that just got locked up for her 5th time in 10 years for being a useless drug addict fuck. Both my aunts hate me because they are unhinged fucks that need to be in a mental facility and can't see outside of their TINY little world views. Ontop of all of this, society just continues to get worse and worse and worse day after day. I don't want anyone to interpret this the wrong way, but some days I just feel completely used up and tired at the young age of 27, like I just don't know what to do anymore and I am tired beyond belief. Pre Covid 19 at 18/19, I had a job making over $20 an hour. A less than 5 year old fully optioned Mazda MX-5 and a generally positive outlook on life. Now at 27, I don't even have the PC I once had to distract me from how SHIT life has become. Now I just have to sit here and embrace it, being miserable while everyone else around me gets to be happy and live fulfilling lives. It's crushing in a way I don't know how to describe.

I have always tried to be a kind, empathetic person that thinks of others too. Only for life to shit all over me 24/7. EVERY TIME I take one step forward, I get sent back two steps somehow. I don't even know why I am typing this at 2 AM right now. Nobody is going to see this or give a fuck, just to vocalize my internal monolouge and make me feel like it's not all trapped inside I guess. Now here I am in FL.. Again.. Trying to find a job in one of the worst economies in history.. Some days I wonder if things will EVER be good again, or if I'll just end up a miserable and bitter old man pissed off at the world that things never quite worked out for me the way they were supposed to. It's a genuinely scary thought, because I am now closer to 30 than I am 20, and my life is less together than a lot of 18/19 year olds. Oh.. and I get to hear my little brother in the other room laugh and have a good time with his GF while I sit here lonely, poor and miserable.

TLDR: I'm a loser and I cry about it.

I feel like I have NEVER been relaxed, my entire life has been a giant ball of stress. My childhood was not the best. Parents constantly fighting, throwing things, leaving in the middle of the night, suicide threats, drinking, manipulation, straight up not speaking to eachother for days on end, every holiday was a battle. I also had a lot put on me, I was often the middle man, at one point I was in charge of making sure my father stayed sober, he would have to ask me if he could drink, I would say no then my parents would tell me I’m not lenient enough, that it’s just once he should drink. I was groomed by my dad (step dad who I grew up with, and not necessarily sexually). Alcohol pushed on me and forced to hide it from my mother, brought to shops for things like lube, absolutely ZERO privacy as a teen, one time he bought a vibrating tounge ring and kept trying to give it to me ( I was prolly 14) I kept saying no he eventually left it on my desk, when I would wear a dress he would say I looking like a whore, he would go through every single message, he would somehow join my private calls, he would constantly accuse me of sending nudez (which I’ve never done). He would buy me a lot of things, I would say I didn’t want it, he would accuse me of using him for money. If I ever tried to set a boundary he would get mad at me. He would spend his nights on his computer reading thought all my online activity, my message logs, my discord, everything. And my mom kinda just ignored it all. They would ask me about if they should get divorced, I would say yes, they would say I’m wrong. I have also struggled with severe social anxiety for ALL of my school days, panic attacks daily, I would almost throw up when pulling up to school. I never ever ever had friends. Teachers would reach out to my mom asking if I was okay. Again all of it ignored by my parents. They eventually divorced and then my mom’s emotional turmoil was placed on me. Her mental breaks were things I had to deal with, I had to calm her down, hold her while she was sobbing, listen to her talk about how much she hates her life, she sometimes would punch things or throw things everywhere in-front of me. And anytime I try to talk about my traumas or things in the past with my dad, she would shut it down say she doesn’t want to talk about the past. One time I found a journal from when I was around 10, taking about suicide I brought it up to her and she said she didn’t want to talk about it and she was sorry I ended up broken. I LOVE my mom, I would die for her, she cares for me deeply, and she does truly love me and she has definitely become a better person. Although to late, I watch her support and protect my younger sisters and I just feel so much resentment, because she was never there for me , there to protect me or acknowledge my issues. I am 18 now and we have finally reached our own form of success, she owns a home, has a stable job, and is focusing on family. And idk I feel so much distance, my sisters are getting a form of a healthy childhood, a good life. I never got that and I truly mourn the mom I could have had. I know this is all over the place I apologize. I feel like I have never been content, I know this stuff might not seem that bad, but allot of this was constant, never stopped, and a lot of my childhood I don’t remember or have blocked out. I know this sound corny, but I don’t really feel anything, I don’t get sad, I don’t cry, it’s like a constant pit in my stomach. My emotions will build up and then I will break, every few months I will break down, it’s usually something small that happens that sets me off. I lock myself in my room and break down, sobbing, yelling, the need to break things, I will curl into a corner and just freeze for quite a while. I feel like I’m not a human being, I feel so separated from everything, I don’t look forward to my future, I don’t see anyone every loving me, and I’m absolutely disgusted with myself. Again I apologize for this being all over the place, I physically cannot be vulnerable with people no matter what, so this is something I’ve never spoken about just needed to get it off my chest.

My dad is really old compared to how young I am, and he has memory issues. He's always had some mild memory issues but it has definitely gotten way worse the past few years. I'd never blame him for them, but I'm tired of him blaming things he remembers wrong on me.

This week I had to ask him to drive me to and from work at least on a couple days. The bus I usually take is on break this week and no other ones go at good times for me because I live in the middle of absolutely nowhere. I don't have a car or even a licence, and I asked my dad if he could drive me. In my first message asking about it I specifically said I need to be driven to and from work and gave him the times my work starts and ends in multiple messages. He agreed, and I even made sure he knows he doesn't have to drive me every day if he already had other plans. I don't know many people from where I live and even those I do know a little, I don't have the phone numbers of. Last night he told me he doesn't want to wait multiple hours around my work place (around 20-30 min drive from where we live) and asked me if I had a ride back. I told him no, he has to at least drive me back today, but that I could ask around if one of my coworkers could drive me on the two other days we'd agreed he'd drive me on. He blamed me for not having the motivation to be prepared (motivation issues have been a thing with me since my teenage years due to mental health, but I truly am motivated to work and better my life now) and it was a struggle to get him to agree to drive me back from work even just today.

This morning in the car he started asking me about my roomie and I moving. For context, I live with my ex in an apartment rented to us by my brother on a lot that he owns on paper but is more my dad's in practice. We've been trying to get my roomie out for a long time already and he wants to move out too, but we're currently having problems with his older brother not giving us a specific date for when my roomie can move into the new apartment and he has already pushed it forward by months multiple times even with my roomie and I begging him to just give us a clear date so we can get the process started. This also means my move has had to be pushed forward, because I need my roomie out before I can leave myself. I told these things to my dad for probably the fourth time, and he blamed the whole situation on my roomie, saying he's tricking me and playing the victim. I know for a fact this isn't true and know he wants to move too. I didn't want a fight so I just shut down, but that's when my dad started talking about how I'd "already signed off on ending the rent agreement" or whatever (sorry English isn't my first language) and would have to move out no matter what when that date arrives, even though I know I haven't done that. I told him this. He said the "authorities" (probably my brother) that have my lease probably disagree with me. I specified that I haven't talked with my brother about ending the lease yet and DEFINITELY have not given any clear date for when I'd be leaving the apartment. He wouldn't believe me and for the rest of the drive we fell into a tense silence until he dropped me off and didn't even say bye. The most I've said about moving to my brother was a celebratory message in the family group chat months ago saying that my roomie (NOT ME) would be able to move before the end of October which now isn't even accurate anymore because we still haven't been given a clear date. I don't know if he's even picking me up today and I'm definitely not getting to work on any other days based on all of this.

I'm just tired. We've always had problems and as a teenager I even considered cutting him out of my life due to how bad things got, but I couldn't because of pity. Now I know I was partly overreacting to his bullshit as a teen and am usually glad I didn't cut ties, but sometimes things like this happen that just break me. I know I'm not the best son and I know I'm spoiled in some ways, but I just can't take the constant blaming of everyone and everything but himself

i just posted a vent but i needed to post one more

i’ve always been a semi schedule person, I like organization but also don’t. College has put me on a strict schedule and it just sucks. I work 20 hours a week (which isnt bad), I just haven’t worked this many hours while also taking 6 classes. I’m falling behind, not too much but it’s just another thing on my plate.

I know the more I stick to this scheduled work/life/school balance, my energy will even out and it will become easier. But im just so tired right now. Still adjusting. I have hella things to do tonight (read like 6 chapters for a major class 🫩) but I’m going to try to read as much as I can and then sleep :\ i hope i get some reading done.

i just want to see my friends and watch youtube

sorry for tmi

hi yes i am normally very consistent with my birth control. I hooked up with my ex boyfriend almost 2 weeks ago but I had to start my pack late (I did not have access to my new pack)

and I thought I was fine until i started having insane nausea and food aversions. I’ve also had a recent OCD flare so that could be it, but just combined with the unprotected sex I’m just worried. i know these symptoms alone do not guarantee a pregnancy, im waiting to take a test.

I haven’t told ANYONE. I just really needed to get this off my chest so bad. It’s making me feel more sick. it’s too early to take a test so I’m just constantly in an anxious loop.

and if i am pregnant, I will post to another community. Because I dont know how to tell my ex or if I even should. Thats another thing keeping me awake at night. He is an amazing guy seriously, we didn’t work out for timing reasons. I know he would respect my decision no matter what, but I’m scared of him turning a 180. I could also just not tell him, but he would hate me if he never found out.

Again I know I don’t need to think about all this, I need to take it day-by-day (because my anxiety is through the roof) it’s just hard. I normally vent to my friends or therapist but everyone’s been so busy, I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had time to rest.

God I hope im not pregnant.

My anxiety has been through the roofs. And I'm genuinely terrified of the future. It's been hard for me to sleep. It's been hard for me to take care of myself, or do anything else, as the future feels so bleaky. Everything feels so pointless.

I have grown up religious too, so everything feeels like a sign of the end of times. Not a single day goes by where I don't feel like the world is ending or something really awful is going to happen. I know this is going to sound crazy to some people, but I do genuinely live in constant fear that the antichrist could appear at any moment. I'm terrified of the biblical prophecies coming. And I'm terrified if they don't and this is all the world will always be. All I want is a minute without being in fear.

My friend (22N) is visiting me (22N) for 2 weeks, and we are officially on week two. I haven't seen them since a year and a half ago in person since they moved away.

I wanna start by saying I do NOT expect them to not talk with their friends, but I think we are losing valuable visiting time because they're talking with their friends for 2-4 hours every single night. I wanna say this has happened for 75% of the days they've been here. If it isn't them they're talking to, then it's their boyfriend for another 1-3 hours during the afternoon. Maybe both in one day.

I get that they only can talk to them online, but it feels... kinda bad?

I was quite literally in the hospital for a GI bleed and high blood pressure while they were visiting their friends for 4 days a few months ago, and they rescheduled their call on me and responded only because I reached out and asked what was going on and why they didn't call me. They only called me once they got to the airport when I was clearly going through something with my health and told them (nicely) how I felt about them ghosting me on that call and taking hours after to respond. Basically only when they weren't around their friends.

I feel like I wasn't asking for much then, I was just sad and scared and needed fifteen minutes of their time, which i also stated clearly. I kinda thought that issue had passed but I'm not sure it has fully.

Now I'm in my room after being told to leave my living room because they're talking to their friends. I feel sad. I wanted more uninterrupted time past the first four initial days. I feel utterly unwelcome in my own home. I felt stupid as I was walking to my room, pillow in my arms. I felt like I was the dumbest person in the entire city. I don't know if there's something wrong with me or if I'm just having a natural reaction.

On top of this, I hear them talking a lot about the stuff they bought here or the food, but I don't hear them talking about me at all. I feel like I'm just that embarassing. I feel 12 and alone again.

I feel so sad. I don't want to come out of my room now, and I kinda wanna cry but can't bring myself to. 5 years of friendship and I just feel tossed away.

I'm sorry if there's run on sentences, I just feel upset. I don't wanna make them sound like they don't care about me at all, I'm just expressing how I currently feel.

I've been depressed and anxious throughout my life, probably since like puberty ages but it has never left me. I'm 27 now and despite trying lots of meds that never worked after a year or so, a couple therapists, nothing has really ever improved. But i don't even feel sad most of the time anymore when it hits. Just empty. Emptier than when they put me on Wellbutrin (and boy did that one suck). It's like a void. Almost like meditation except with weird elevator music of whatever song got stuck in my head most recently. Makes me wonder if my mental health is getting worse. My grandad on my mom's side committed suicide when she was young and I've always had it in the back of my mind one of us (me or my sibling) will inevitably end up like him. I keep up appearances in all aspects of my life but I still often kinda just feel like I'm becoming a shell of myself. I've tried over and over to reignite old passions to generate joy but I lose desire after a short period of time. Maybe it's the company I keep (or lack thereof) or the busting my ass but still feel dirt poor aspect of my life but f*** I need some positivity to come my way soon bc what is this life.

My ex girlfriend and I broke up towards the end of February this year. She took her dog that I helped her care for for three years and I just kinda assumed she’d let me see him sometimes. Well that hasn’t happened and when I asked she said “that won’t help you”.

We work together. There’s this guy at work that she convinced to adopt a dog from another coworker who was moving and couldn’t keep the dog. She now walks this dog with this guy throughout the day and will have this dog attached to her (leash wrapped around her waist) sometimes. My problem with this is that she doesn’t take care of her own dog.

He’s an Australian shepherd whom I love very much. She never walked him unless I made her, she didn’t play with him, and she very likely still doesn’t. I don’t even really care about her anymore. I just want to give my boy the best life he could have especially since she doesn’t do shit. I don’t mean I want to take him from her completely, I just want to be able to see him and take him on hikes and play with him.

She took her bosses dog on a hike but has never done that with her dog. Like, how avoidant can you get.

I want to take him, I feel like she doesn’t deserve to take care of an animal. But I don’t want to take his mother from him. Not like I even have the option to do so through a legal route or let alone see him. But still I feel like she shouldn’t have an animal. She just gets home and plays games then sleeps.

I know I need to just move forward. But I hate seeing her take care of other peoples dogs when she can’t even manage her own.

I tried messaging her on Instagram a month or two ago and she just blocked me. Tbh, kinda rightfully so. I was a dick to get the last time we talked, and I sent texts apologizing for things a couple times. I get that can be weird and annoying. I just wanted to try to get closure and maybe she’d respond and tell me that I wasn’t the only one who did something wrong or something. Never happened, but whatever.

I just want to see my dog again. I walked him when I could (I stopped after a while because of the relationship dynamic, which I did use an excuse but I’ve learned from it), I played with him when we got home from work, I sat with him every weekend when she was never home. I couldn’t leave to see my friends or family for months at a time and I felt like I couldn’t walk him because she’d get mad at me sometimes and the dynamic thing so I just sat in our bedroom petting him. I felt like I had to because if I left he’d bark (which was always an issue even before me) and I didn’t want to annoy our roommate. I also felt like he’d feel the same way I did when we were both gone and I didn’t want that.

A week after I brought up how I felt and what I was doing and how I spent most of my summer crying in our room with our dog trying to keep him from barking, that’s when she broke up with me. I know that’s not why she did, but I feel like it’s a part of it. Idk

I would get another job, but there’s nothing that would pay the same. And I just bought a house, so I kinda need to just deal with it. I haven’t and would never bring it up at work btw.

Thanks for reading my rant. Sorry it’s all over the place.

I miss you Taz

"of course you don't"

What are you trying to imply? So I gave her what she needed but i told her to make sure she tells what transpired, repeated what happened, meaning, don't fucking try to spin or twist the narrative. YOU made the mistake, we have a duty to cross check. We are not in your time, we are in our time.

The interaction was totally aggressive from her end. I don't respond well to threats, so I just mirrored that behaviour in a diplomatic fashion.

Sounded exactly like my mother....so, what I can't say is:

Take accountability of your mistake, get the fuck away because you're trying to threaten my team for a mistake you've done. So wait for us, we won't wait on you.

Ive kinda given up around 2-3 years ago. I dont dress up when i go out, i don’t wear makeup except when I really feel like it. Sometimes its just kind of draining to look for an outfit or to try to look good when I know I don’t.

right now I’m really upset. I was doing good keeping these insecure feelings/thoughts away but they just keep coming back. Hung out with my friends, they all dressed up, they joked about how I wear Pjs all the time. I say it’s because I’m lazy And that I don’t really care anymore. I think they think it’s a confidence thing, but it’s the complete opposite. I feel like I really am the DUFF of my group.

when I feel at best, I feel completely average. Which isn’t the best feeling either I’ll admit. But I’ve recently come to the realization, that I am probably a bit below average, and that’s just kinda set me off this whole week.

i dont really get compliments, if I do it’s I’m funny, my eyes, or my hair. When I do try and dress up then that too. But now that’s probably Due t people not expecting me to dress up. I actually don’t remember the time someone told me, “You’re pretty.” sometimes I joke about how I look (in a fairly obvious way) trying to gauge my friends reactions. usually they babytalk to me saying I’m not. Idk how to feel about that.

It’s freeing, accepting what you are. but sometimes I wish I were something more. and that freeing feeling can also feel like I just escaped a cage only to be trapped in a building with no doors. Yes I accept my ugliness, but, im ugly.

Maybe when I grow up I’ll glow up lol. I know I should work on myself, I know I should be more confident. I shouldn’t be thinking like this, there’s worse things out there. And I should probably take a break from social media.

i find it’s nice to kind of vent here where other people share the same things instead of talking to myself in my notes app.

Hi guys!

Well yeah as the title says, there's not much to say really hahaha, I'm 5'0 and my life is a living hell.

Before I continue, if possible I just want people to spare me the typical comments of toxic positivity, handsome/healthy people have never understand what I've gone through and those comments of "love yourself" are not only tone-deaf but straight up hurtful, so please just save them for yourselves, this is not the place for that.

With that said, man I got fucked hahaha, I'll never be a dream man, only a nightmare man, you know?

Ignoring all of the abuse I've received across the years, at some point of my life I understood that this whole thing of love/relationships is not something that's in my path, so with that in mind I've thought that maybe I should try something that only I can do if that makes sense, like skydiving or cave... diving? hahaha, you know because I won't have a family and it's okay if I just go missing.

To be honest, I've been thinking for a while on what can make me happy at this point in life, and I know it sounds sad, but I just don't think that being happy is an option for me, do you know what would make me happy? Being born properly HAHAHAHAHAH, sorry, I'm kind of crying while writing this, you don't have to take this seriously, but yeah, for better or for worse the world stops for no one, I can't just stay still and rot away, well I can, but I don't want to!

Even if I can't be happy, I think I can be entertained, so I'll try to focus on finding things that keep me entertained even if lonely.

for some reason i feel sad again, perhaps because i haven't taken my medication but i awfully feel sad again. I can't even participate in groupings with my classmates, seeing them do the presentation without me makes me feel left out but I couldn't blame them, i didn't do anything to contribute anyways.

idk what to do, my grades are failing because i can't get productive 😿

I am a freshman (gasp) at one of the most prestigious universities in my state (go Bears). It was my absolute DREAM to go here since I was ~15, and I worked my ass off to earn an acceptance. And I did, and was so excited to start over.

Let's dive into some IMPORTANT lore.

I come from a pretty small, monocultural area, where going off to university isn't an especially sought after goal. However, it was very important to my family, especially my mom, that I go. So, I gradually became self-sufficient over the course of HS in order to prove to myself that I was ready for a change like university. While my mom is supportive of whatever I do, and luckily the parent I lived with before moving to university, my father is not supportive whatsoever and does not keep in contact with me.

I was SO excited to start school. But over the summer, my life kind of fell apart. My mom and step-dad, who were together since I was six years old, separated due to an emotional affair and gambling issues (step-father) out of nowhere a week after graduation. My father officially kicked me out of his house and forced me to move my things out 2 weeks before I left home. My supposed best friend abandoned me because I was 'too much' during this time. All while I was working 40+ hours weekly, trying to save up the money that would help me escape this hellhole of a summer.

Thankfully, I had my boyfriend of two years (love u king) and my mom/siblings to support me during this time. Now, though everyone is a phone call away, i have no one physically, and no where to truly come undone.

And I did! I escaped. But I'm unhappier at UC Berkeley.

I have made one close friend, regularly socialize with my roommates/classmates, and have attended protests with my socialist club on campus. I've branched out.

I consistently attend class, go to the gym regularly, and was able to find a new job a week after move-in day (but subsequently got fired), and then found another job in just a few weeks, because I want to make this work. I want to be that prestigious university girl, who can juggle work and school effortlessly. But I'm already tired, and I'm only two months in.

Every weekend I find myself throwing myself at my boyfriend or distracting myself with homework to avoid the inevitable; that I'm unraveling, and my body is screaming at me that this new place is NOT my place. I don't enjoy the student/campus culture, or the party scene, or the payment deadlines breathing down my neck, and I miss everyone at home so much.

I would usually just stick it out, but I also have somewhat shaky finances. Due to some generous relatives, my first semester is covered, but after that, who knows? My new job will not make me enough, and my money will eventually run out from what I have saved. The financial aspect of UC Berkeley is especially unappealing, considering how many people around me are here on scholarship or have the familial means to pay. I would be miserable spending my years working and working while trying to be a model student. I dream of the financial independence CC would bring, with 2ish years to work concurrently and save the money.

I just want to go home. I want the material comforts of my bed, the physical support of my mom and friends, and the security that a stable job brings (which is guaranteed if i come home and do CC). I don't have the money to waste, to find out what I want to do if i keep paying UC Berkeley tuition (which is only possible if I take out loans). I have that freedom at home.

Maybe I'm being a huge baby. Maybe I'm being realistic? I don't know.